Anna Karenina (2012)

Have you guys ever noticed how much Keira Knightley gasps in movies? Seriously, it's a thing. She's like a skittish deer, constantly being happened upon and shrieking. I had a roommate like that once and it was annoying as hell. Look alive, Knightley! 

***

[it is IMPERIALIST RUSSIA, but also a giant THEATER because this MOVIE is HIGH-CONCEPT]

Matthew McFayden: It's me, Sexy Darcy! I grew a hilarious mustache and have strayed from my loyal wife. Little do I know the eventual tragic consequences of my wandering wang.
His Wife: [SOBS HYSTERICALLY]
[he WRITES a LETTER to his BELOVED SISTER to ASK her to come and CHILL OUT his wife]
Keira Knightley: Oh, that scamp! Husband, may I go?
Jude Law: Yes, but I and my receding hairline disapprove.
[she BOARDS a TRAIN bound for MOSCOW, where the THEATER concept is USED CREATIVELY]
Matthew McFayden: Why it's my dear friend, country bumpkin Levin! What brings you to town, old chum?
Domhal Gleeson: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW AND MUST DECLARE MY INTENTIONS, THOUGH LOVE IS PROVINCIAL.
Matthew McFayden: Splendid! But I must warn you, she is in love with a hunk.
Domnhal Gleeson: I MUST SHOW HER MY LOVE AND ALSO MY WIG.
[meanwhile, Keira Knightley GETS OFF the TRAIN and CATCHES a GLIMPSE of an OFFICER in the BLONDEST, CURLIEST WIG ever COMMITTED to film]
Keira Knightley: Gasp! I'm intrigued. But first I must shame my sister-in-law into forgiving my brother.
[she DOES, kind of]
Matthew McFayden: Hurrah! Let's all go to a ball!
Domhal Gleeson: HELLO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, WILL YOU MARRY ME.
Alicia Vikander: Sorry, but no.
Domhal Gleeson: NOW I WILL REJECT ALL FEELINGS AND GO TEND THE FIELDS OF RUSSIA FOREVERMORE.
[the theater OPENS up to SAID FIELDS, kinda DESTROYING the MOVIE'S theater-logic, but it is BEAUTIFUL anyway]
Alicia Vikander: There's my suitor with the flaxen curls! Wait, where is he going?

Count "Original Ramen" Vronsky: I noticed you from across the room, Keira Knightley. Let us dance.
[they do a WEIRD, arm-centric DANCE as the room SPINS FRANTICALLY]
Keira Knightley: Gasp again! My feelings!
[she GAZES in the MIRROR and IMAGINES a FORESHADOWING locomotive RACING at her]
Keira Knightley: Thus begins my storyline, just 20 minutes into the movie.
Count "Platinum Labradoodle" Vronsky: I have followed you to St. Petersburg because I love you. Such is the power of arm-dancing.
Keira Knightley: Do not pursue me at every social event!
[he DOES]
Jude Law: Your not-so-furtive glances at 2002 Justin Timberlake are attracting attention from society.
Keira Knightley: I don't know what you're talking about!
[she GOES to Count "Young Amy March" Vronsky's HOUSE and they BONE]
Keira Knightley: Finally I know happiness! Let us liaise all over St. Petersburg!
[there are MANY super-tight SHOTS of their WIGS TANGLING mid-LOVEMAKING]
Count "But Why is it SO Blonde" Vronsky: I shall race for you, my lady, on my beloved horse.
[he CARESSES the Horse's FLANKS for TOO LONG]
Lady Mary Crawley and that Lady from "The Affair": You are scandalous, Keira, and we love it.
[Count "I Might Be Hot But There’s No Getting Past This" Vronsky FALLS off his HORSE and he has to SHOOT it and it is the most UPSETTING thing to HAPPEN thus far]
Keira Knightley: NOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone: O.M.G.
Jude Law: You have shamed me publicly. I'm furious but my voice will never raise above a whisper.
Keira Knightley: Well, I'm pregnant and it's not yours, because you insist on using a weird 1890s condom.
Jude Law: If only it was 1998. My golden curls would have wiped the goddamn floor with Time-Traveling Spencer Pratt over there. This cuts the deepest.

[he TOUCHES his BALD HEAD sadly]

Jude Law: You are depraved* and can no longer see your son that you never really saw anyway.
Keira Knightley: I am distraught! Also I think that Count "Mama Rose and her Hollywood Blondes" Vronsky is cheating on me!
[she STARTS to DIE in CHILDBIRTH for ATTENTION but is EVENTUALLY fine and has her BABY]
Meanwhile in SUBPLOT-LAND...
Domhal Gleeson: I HAVE TRIED TO SOOTHE MY ANGUISH WITH GRAIN THRASHING BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH. I MUST GO AND TRY TO WIN ALICIA VIKANDER’S HEART AGAIN.
Alicia Vikander: I was a foolish child to love Season Two Felicity instead of you.
[they VISIT and PLAY some kind of SCRABBLE game with GIANT blocks for like, EVER, and I GUESS they AGREE to get MARRIED]
Keira Knightley: I want to rejoin society. I'm not ashamed of what I've done, though I've spent the last 20 minutes of this film weeping.
Count "I'm Just...I'm Out of Ways to Describe it" Vronsky: Yeah...you’re teetering on the edge at all times so maybe that’s not the best idea.
Keira Knightley: I KNEW IT, YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME.
[she IMAGINES him BONING Cara Delevingne, who’s is RANDOMLY in this MOVIE]
Keira Knightley: There is only one way to be at peace.
[she WALKS in SUPER-SLOW MOTION through the THEATER because OH RIGHT, this is in a THEATER and THROWS herself under a TRAIN]
Everyone: [SADNESS MONTAGE]
[a BE-HATTED Jude Law SITS in a FLOWER FIELD while his son and Keira's SCANDAL daughter PLAY]
Director Joe Wright: My concept was amazing until it wasn't. Hope you enjoyed the wig parade.

*actual line from movie

Guest Post: Nine

From a chat dated 1/11/10:

Laura: so what will be the first UCM of the teens?me: oh man, i don't knowi saw sherlock holmesLaura: oh godhow's that?me: i've just been watching so much jersey shoresherlock holmes is finelike, not expectation-breakingthere were many punchesand slight gayness/hottness
and like quick cutsLaura: lolwell, that's somethingit's manlyyet gayyou need to see nineme: i know!Laura: because i need to hear your opinions on its awfulness

It is now over two weeks later and no Sherlock Holmes for you, my lovelies. But my darling guest poster Laura McClain has provided you with a breakdown of what everyone I spoke to said was dreck: Nine. Be Italian!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the GLAMOROUS 1960s]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Watch me smirk and smug my way through this grainy black and white press conference footage.
Audience: This movie looks so artsy!
[he GOES to a SOUNDSTAGE in the DARK]
Daniel Day-Lewis: I will smoke soulfully and rub my brow. Acting!
[a SEDUCTIVE figure MOVES from the SHADOWS and KISSES him]
Audience: Art!
[SUDDENLY, 50 lingere-clad chicks APPEAR and start GYRATING while TOSSING their HAIR like EXTRAS in a WHITESNAKE video]
Audience: Oh, right. Rob Marshall directed this.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. I’m at such a crossroads in my life. I’m a world-renowned director with a bevy of beautiful women living in Milan. However, my facial stubble indicates my despair.
His Producer: Come to work, Guido. You must direct this movie, as it is your job.
Sophia Loren: Hello, my son. I am a ghost here to try to explain why you’re fucked up about women? Or something? At least I’m authentically Italian.
Daniel Day-Lewis: My life is too empty! I must run away to a spa.
[he DRIVES his SPORTS CAR up the SIDE of a MOUNTAIN in MILAN and you’re like “boo fucking hoo, Guido”]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Alone at last! Now, to sulk in the spa.
[the PHONE RINGS]
Penelope Cruz: Hola, Guido. I will sing you a sexy, sexy song while writhing in my Victoria’s Secret underthings.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my mistress.
[the PHONE RINGS AGAIN]
Marion Cotillard: Bonjour, Guido.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my wife.
[he goes and CHILLS with Judi Dench, his COSTUME DESIGNER and IMAGINES her SINGING a FOLLIES number]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh dear. Why do I only daydream in glitzy production numbers? Gaaaay.
[he REMEMBERS how Fergie SHOWED him her BOOBS when he was a CHILD and then HUMPED a CHAIR and THREW sand in his FACE]
Fergie: You know there’s a problem when I’m the best performer in your musical.
Penelope Cruz: Hey! I’m here in my trashy mistress outfit! I love you Guido, though you are extremely unlovable!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Eeeek! You go stay in the dilapidated motel next to the train station. We’ll have sex there. But you have to put on whore makeup first.
Marion Cotillard: Hi, honey! I decided to come join you on your spa retreat!
[she SINGS a DIGNIFIED song in an ATTEMPT to SAVE the MOVIE but it is TOO LATE]
Penelope Cruz: Here I am, in my hooker heels. I’ll just sit near you and your wife having dinner. Not obsessive at all.
Marion Cotillard: Guido! For shame!
[she STORMS off]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh man, my wife is so pissed. A trip to the bar will cure what ails me.
Kate Hudson: Heeeeeeeeey Guido. Why am I here? Man, I look orange and bloated.
[she SINGS the WORST SONG ever RECORDED to SEDUCE him]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Wait a second….that’s Kate Hudson.
[he RUNS AWAY]
Penelope Cruz: You bastard! You ignored me and put me up in a hovel! Now I will kill myself.
[she DOESN’T]
His Producer: Hey, could you stop fucking everything in sight for like, two seconds and come make this movie? Your star is here.
[Nicole Kidman and her FROZEN FACE enter]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my Nordic muse with her mangled Australian accent.
[they GO for a CAR RIDE and she SINGS a SONG about how he is her EVERYTHING and you’re like “Really, everyone?? This guy?”]
Nicole Kidman: I don’t want to be your fantasy anymore, Guido. PEACE.
Daniel Day-Lewis: I have to find a new star. Beloved wife whom I constantly cheat on, will you come watch screen tests of nubile Italian women with me?
Marion Cotillard: Yes, for some reason.
[they WATCH a SCREEN TEST where he HITS on more CHICKS and it REMINDS Marion Cotillard of when she was a SUCKER and FELL for HIM]
Marion Cotillard: DONE. Now, to remove any remainder of subtlety from this movie.
[she DOES a RAUNCHY striptease that REPRESENTS their MARRIAGE or SOMETHING]
[a YEAR PASSES]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. All alone. Clearly I have changed, as I grew a beard and am chilling with the Dench in a non-sexual way.
Judi Dench: Go get your wife back. Make a boring art film.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Brilliant!
[he GOES to the FILM STUDIO and once again HALLUCINATES about LADIES in their PANTIES, only now everyone is looking at him all BENEVOLENTLY and it is WEIRD]
Marion Cotillard: Oh Guido! You have truly changed!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Yes. Yes, I have.
[he has NOT]

Funny People

I think this UCM makes this movie sound worse than it is. It's actually pretty funny, and I thought the casting was great. It's a little long, yes, and it has the whole Apatovian man-boy thing happening, but it's pretty solid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is LA in the 80s]
Adam Sandler: Look at me! I'm young! And kind of funny when I make prank phone calls to AmEx! This is actual footage of me when I'm young! But now I am old, and live in a sumptuous house with no love in my life.
[he MOPES ABOUT, though he is RICH]
Seth Rogen: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
RZA: As your black friend from work, I must say: you crazy. You ain't funny.
[he KIND OF ISN'T]
Jason Schwartzmann: Look, just because I'm more successful than you doesn't mean you should be sad. But I will fuck that girl you like in 10 days if you don't.
Seth Rogen: But! I! I mean, I know I lost a bunch of weight recently, but I'm still not as cute as you. I don't look like Jackson Browne.*
Jonah Hill: I am also your roommate, and funny.
[meanwhile, in a MEDICAL FACILITY]
Adam Sandler's Doctor: So, you have cancer. You should probably tell your friends.
Adam Sandler: I have none. My life is so empty.
[he goes to a SMALL CLUB and does some STAND-UP but it's SUPER DEPRESSING and ALIENATING]
Seth Rogen: So...that was depressing, right?
[Adam Sandler tries to RUN HIM OVER]
Adam Sandler: Dude, I'm sorry I tried to run you over. Why don't you and your friend, the fat version of you, write some jokes for me?
Seth Rogen: Well, I'll write jokes for you, but I'm not going to tell my friend that you even requested his services. I'm sure that won't come back to bite me in the ass.
Adam Sandler: Sounds like a plan. Let's go tell jokes at a MySpace company meeting.
[they DO, to the strains of JAMES TAYLOR, who is ACTUALLY PLAYING, because MySpace is TOTALLY RELEVANT]
Seth Rogen: Do you ever get tired of playing the same songs?*
James Taylor: Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?*
Seth Rogen: No. Here's another dick joke.
Adam Sandler: Be my friend! I have cancer!
Seth Rogen: Uh, okay?
Adam Sandler: Also, help me sort out my issues with the woman I cheated on long ago.
Seth Rogen: Uh...okay?
Leslie Mann: That's me. Now I love you again because you have cancer or something.
Adam Sandler: Cool. But I'm in remission.
Leslie Mann: Oh. I still love you again. I guess.
[they RECONNECT, kind of, but then he is a DICK again]
Eric Bana: Are you hitting on my wife, cancer guy?
Adam Sandler: She loves me, not you!!
[they FIGHT in the FRONT YARD]
Leslie Mann: I am going to divorce him. I'll tell him at the airport.
Seth Rogen: I must stop her, because of my loyalty to my boss/friend/mentor-type person.
[he SPEEDS to the AIRPORT, but they already MADE UP]
Adam Sandler: Stop messing in my business!
Jonah Hill: You betrayed me!
Jason Schwartzmann: I fucked that girl you like!
That Girl He Likes: But I still like you anyway, Skinny Seth Rogen. Let's kiss on a promontory.
Seth Rogen: Gah! This is too much! I'm going back to work at the grocery store with my black friend.
Adam Sandler: Sorry I was a dick before. Let's write jokes together.
[they form a MAN-LOVE that will LAST throughout ETERNITY]

Match Point

[it is LONDON, and NOT New York]
Voiceover: This movie is about luck. FYI.
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: I would love a job at your chichi tennis club, as I have many tennis skills.
Tom, His Handsome Pupil: What ho! You're a tennis coach, but you like opera? I am astonished. Please to escort me to the opera, no homo.
[they go to the OPERA and Emily Mortimer GAZES at JRM in an extremely OBVIOUS MANNER]
Tom, His Handsome Pupil: You have proven to me through your love of opera and Dostoyevsky that you are worthy to come to our country house. Also, my sister wants to bone you. So there's that, also.
[they go to the SWANK country house and do some CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION]
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: What's this I hear? Ping-pong sounds emanating from an empty room? I must investigate.
ScarJo: Hello. Are you enjoying my breasts? I certainly am.
[they LOOK at each other MEANINGFULLY for WAY TOO LONG]
ScarJo: Has anyone ever told you you play a very aggressive game?*
JRM: Has anyone ever told you you have sensuous lips?*
Tom, His Handsome Pupil: Oh, I see you've met my fiancee! She's delightful, no?
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: Your fiancee! I must have her.
Shaun of the Dead's Mom: Tut tut tut. These children of ours are dating such dilettantes. First Tom with the starving actress with the killer rack, then our daughter and this - tennis coach! Tut!
Brian Cox, AKA "That Guy Was in X-Men": But you realize that I could groom this young man to be the perfect husband for our daughter! He may be Irish, but we won't let that get in the way.
[they give him a BUSINESS JOB where he does BUSINESS THINGS and wears a BUSINESS SUIT]
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: What exactly does this company do?
Brian Cox: Ho ho ho! My boy, that doesn't matter! Globalization! Finance! BUSINESS!
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: But...I want those boobies.
[he RUNS INTO ScarJo on the STREET, because London is SUPER SMALL]
ScarJo: Hey. I was going to an audition. I'm really nervous. Mostly because I'm shitty at acting.
JRM: Even though we are dating siblings, I will come with you for "moral support." Then we can get a drink.
[she BUSTS him for LUSTING after her INSANE TA-TAS]
JRM: Oh well. I guess I'll just marry Emily Mortimer, since she loves me and her dad gave me a business job.
[they go BACK to the country house and SHOOT some SKEET with SHOTGUNS]
Shaun of the Dead's Mom: Tut tut! This actress is annoying!
Tom, the Handsome Pupil: [literally not raising his voice AT ALL] I'm sorry to raise my voice at you, but please don't speak of my lady that way.
ScarJo: What-EVER! I'm just going to go run across a field in the rain in this white top!
JRM: And I'm going to run after her! In the rain!
[inevitably, they BONE in a FIELD and it is MODERATELY HOT]
ScarJo: Okay, this needs to be done. PEACE.
JRM: Nooooo!!! The most wonderful breasts ever! Gone!!
Emily Mortimer: I want a baby!
JRM: God, stop bothering me. It's like we're married or something.
Emily Mortimer: We ARE married! Pay attention to me! Oh, and by the way, Tom dumped that crazy-ass American.
[SOMBER OPERA MUSIC plays to denote Jonathan Rhys-Meyer's MOOD as he LOOKS intensely at NOTHING]
ScarJo: Sup. I'm back from America. Can we fuck some more?
[they DO, and although there is SHIRT-RIPPING, which is HOT, it is still PRETTY TAME, as the PASSAGE of TIME is shown through SCENERY]
ScarJo's Neighbor: Mousetraps work better with a bit of peanut butter than they do with cheese! I might seem like a hilarious, yet insignificant character now, but just you wait!!
Emily Mortimer: I want a baby! Still! That is my throughline!
ScarJo: I have something to tell you. And, since I am a woman who has been proven to be sexually promiscuous, that thing is obviously that I am pregnant. LEAVE YOUR WIFE!
JRM: I will! God! Stop bothering me, women.
[they have this discussion like FIVE MORE TIMES]
JRM: I'm, uh, in Greece. Yeah. Greece. For...vacation.
ScarJo: TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT US. I AM CLEARLY INSANE.
[she SEES him on the STREET and he is BUSTED for not being in GREECE]
ScarJo: You're a liar! YOU'RE A LIARRRRRR!
[repeat AS NEEDED]
JRM: Wait a minute...there was a gun earlier in this movie! The solution is so obvious!
[he HIDES the gun in his TENNIS BAG, and is ALMOST CAUGHT with it, but is NOT CAUGHT]
JRM: Oh. Hello. I know you. we talked about peanut butter and cheese.
ScarJo's Neighbor: Oh, come on in. Your flimsy excuse to enter my apartment is totally believable.
[he fucking SHOOTS her with the fucking SHOTGUN and makes it look like a ROBBERY and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK]
The One Black Dude Who Has Ever Been in a Woody Allen Film: Old lady? Are you okay? Are you okay? I'm just going to keep asking. Okay, I guess you're dead.
ScarJo: La, la, la. Oh, hello, black neighbor. I'm just going home.
[JRM fucking SHOOTS her too, destroying the most PERFECT BREASTS since Princess Buttercup's]
Emily Mortimer: Oh god! That poor girl! We knew her! But...back to me. Let's have a baby. BABIES. BABIES BABIES BABIES.
Scottish Detective: Hmm. This case seems like a cut-and-dried drug robbery gone wrong...but perhaps it's not. Oh look...this foxy lass has a diary!
[they QUESTION JRM because he is all up in that DIARY, which is full of STEAMY SECRETS]
JRM: I had an affair, but I didn't kill her! I will just continue to reiterate that fact unconvincingly...until I have convinced you.
Scottish Detective: I'm not convinced.
JRM: I better get rid of all this evidence. Step 1: Put it in my pockets, where anyone could find it. Step 2: Throw it in the Thames.
[he THROWS it all, but the old lady's WEDDING RING bounces off the RAIL in the manner of a TENNIS BALL, thus proving that LUCK IS EVERYTHING]
JRM: Now I am rid of this burden for once and for all.
[JRM gets up in the NIGHT, as he is RACKED with GUILT, even though he has successfully IMPREGNATED Emily Mortimer so she will STFU already]
ScarJo: You killed me! Youuuu killlllllled meeeeee!! Now I am haunting you, but there is no lipgloss in the afterlife, so please excuse my chalky lips!!
ScarJo's Neighbor: Youuuuu killllllled meeeeee tooooooo!! Sppoooookkkyyyyy!!
[the SCOTTISH DETECTIVE sits BOLT UPRIGHT in bed]
Scottish Detective: My dream has solved the case!!
Other Detective: No, it hasn't. We found some junkie with the old lady's wedding ring. He must have done it.
Scottish Detective: Well...but...maybe JRM threw all the evidence away and this junkie found it!
Other Detective: Ha ha! That is wholly preposterous! Let's go have some fish and chips!
JRM: Suckaaaas!!
Emily Mortimer: More babies!!
[everyone LAUGHS, but only because they are SO FUCKING MISERABLE]

Oscar Watch '09: Revolutionary Road

[it is the 1940s]
Kate Winslet: Hi. I want to be an actress. You seem interesting and vivacious.
Leonardo DiCaprio: I guess I am. Let's dance.
[like TEN YEARS pass]
Kate Winslet: So now we live in the suburbs and I do bad community theater.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Don't listen to any of those idiots who say you're bad. You're better than them.
Kate Winslet: I don't want to talk about this right now in the car. Let's just repress our feelings. That's what people in the suburbs do, right?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let's talk! Please!
[he PULLS OVER and they have a HUGE FIGHT on the side of ROUTE TWELVE]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Well, I'm off to my soul-sucking job in the city, filled with nubile secretaries.
[he BANGS one of the NUBILE SECRETARIES]
Kathy Bates: Suburbs! I brought you a plant! I'm nice! Oh, AND...would you be willing to meet my crazy son?
Kate Winslet: Of course. Thanks for asking, and for having some stilted, Oscar-worthy conversation over coffee.
[she has a FLASHBACK to HAPPIER TIMES, when she was MORE BOHEMIAN]
Kate Winslet: I just had the best idea! Let's move to Paris.
Leonardo DiCaprio: But that's so...impetuous! And does not fit with our suburban life.
Kate Winslet: That's why it's great! I mean, look at us. Give me an Oscar...I mean...a chance...to explain my Paris plan to you.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let's do it. And I mean "let's move to Paris" but also "Let's fuck against the kitchen counter in a totally hot way."
[they BONE and it's ALMOST as hot as THIS]
Kathryn Hahn: Come over for dinner! We're your best friends! Your neighbors! Let's hang!
[her husband OGLES Kate Winslet in the MOST OBVIOUS MANNER EVER]
Kate Winslet: So...we're moving to Paris.
Kathryn Hahn and her Husband: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!
[she has a PRIVATE BREAKDOWN, because that is what you DO in the SUBURBS]
Leonardo DiCaprio: I'm moving to Paris!
His Work Buddies: Whaaaaaaaaaat?!?
His Boss: But we're giving you a promotion, based solely on this piece of bullshit work you did earlier.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Allow me to display the conflict in my soul...with my eyes.
[he DOES]
Kathy Bates: Hello! Hellooooooo! We're here with our crazy son!
Michael Shannon: I am the crazy son. Allow me to act circles around you by being subtly creepy and awesome.
Kate Winslet: DO NOT DISTRACT THE AUDIENCE FROM MY OSCAR-WORTHY PERFORMANCE, SHANNON.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let him talk. He is the only one who understands our ennui. And he is clinically insane.
Kate Winslet: If wanting to get out of this town is crazy, I don't want to be sane.*
[they start PACKING]
Kate Winslet: Shit. I'm pregnant.
Leonardo DiCaprio: That's fine, actually, since I haven't actually quit my job yet, since I'm a spineless, personality-free kind of dude. We have a couple weeks to decide if we want to abort it, though, right?
[they have YET ANOTHER FIGHT]
Everyone: Well, it's probably best you don't move to Paris.
Kathryn Hahn: We'll go out for a night on the town! And I'll get sick! And leave my husband alone with our hot neighbor who he is obviously attracted to!
Kate Winslet: And then we'll fuck in the car...the OS-car!!
Kathryn Hahn's Husband: Dude, Kate, we get it. Let's fuck.
[they BONE and it is AWKWARD but still HOT]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Is this an abortion tube?
Kate Winslet: Yes. I was going to abort our child. The first was one basically a mistake.
[they have ANOTHER FIGHT with lots of SHOUTING, which is apparently the same as ACTING]
Kathy Bates: We're here again!
Michael Shannon: I have no societal restrictions on asking you two tough questions to bring up the issues you're having.
[he RILES them and Leo goes BONKERS]
Kathy Bates: Oh my! My repressed suburban nature! It is breached!
Leonardo DiCaprio: I wish you had gotten rid of that fetus when you had the chance!!
Kate Winslet: I'm going out to the woods. Don't follow me. I hate you.
Leonardo DiCaprio: No you don't. Don't leave!
[she is in the woods for a LONG TIME but FINALLY comes back and looks STRICKEN]
Kate Winslet: Good morning. I have prepared a fine, fine breakfast for you with fresh-squeezed orange juice and polite, civil conversation.
Leonardo DiCaprio: So you don't hate me?
Kate Winslet: No. No, I don't. I'm only acting all weird like this because I know I will never see you again.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Oh. I sensed that, via your acting.
[she attemps a HOME ABORTION and it FAILS and she DIES]
Kathryn Hahn: Oh, yes. They were lovely people. But so troubled.
Kathy Bates: My repressed suburban nature is unshakable! UNSHAKABLE!
[her HUSBAND turns down his HEARING AID to drown out the DRONE]

Classic Musicals Week: The King and I

[it is SIAM, which we know as THAILAND]

Deborah Kerr: Oh my! This country is so barbaric! I shall "whistle a happy tune" to pretend I'm not afraid!

[she goes to the PALACE because she wants a HOUSE, as per her AGREEMENT with the KING]

King: I no promise you no house! And get your head lower than mine!

Deborah Kerr: Fine! Then I am leaving!

[a BUNCH of SIAMESE CHILDREN march up to her and it is TOO ADORABLE for her to RESIST]

Deborah Kerr: Well, I would like to spend some time "getting to know you," but first, I have to say "hello, young lovers." [she TURNS to some YOUNG LOVERS] Hello.

Rita Moreno: My lover and I are both from Burma. Seriously. I am not at all Puerto Rican. I was given as a present to the king, and I don't like it here.

King: Why does she not like it here??? "Is a puzzlement"!!

[the children LEARN things, but refuse to believe in SNOW]

Deborah Kerr: Your children are adorable, but frustrating! They take after their father.

King: Please write a letter to President Lincoln, and tell him I will send him several pairs of male elephants.

Deborah Kerr: Only male elephants, your majesty?

King: You fill in the details.* YOUR HEAD MUST BE LOWER THAN MINE GET ON THE FLOOR.

Lady Thiang, the First Wife: Sometimes he says "something wonderful." This...wasn't really one of those things. But he's a good man. For reals.

[meanwhile, in the GARDEN]

Lun Tha: "We kiss in a shadow," so that we're hidden.

Rita Moreno: Yes, I know. Please stop singing so we can make out.

King: I have learned that the English think we are barbarians. Help me put together a delicious banquet to prove otherwise.

Deborah Kerr: Okay. But we mustn't forget undergarments for the wives.

[they FORGET UNDERGARMENTS and it is SCANDALOUS]

Rita Moreno: Here is a Siamese depiction of Uncle Tom's Cabin, "Small House of Uncle Thomas." This is not intended in any way to be a reflection of my current state of affairs.

[they do a SHOW and it is AMAZING]

King: I SEE THIS ALLEGORY!!

Deborah Kerr: Hey...don't get mad. "Shall we dance?"

[they DANCE and it is ROMANTIC but they NEVER KISS]

Prime Minister: Your new present girl tried to escape, but we found her, and we killed her lover.

Rita Moreno: Ay dios mio!! I mean...something in...Siamese.

Deborah Kerr: You really ARE a barbarian!! I'm leaving!!!!

Lady Thiang: But he is dying.

Deborah Kerr: Oh. Then I'll stay.

The Crown Prince: No more bowing to the king!!

King: Yes. Yes. My son is now king.

[he DIES]

The Princess Bride

I've been trying to write this one for years. YEARS, I tell you. I just love it so much, and have seen it so many times, and know so many lines...it's like trying to describe every mole and freckle on your own body to someone. A daunting task. Then today, in the shower, inspiration. Simple. To the point. Not my usual formula, but for this movie, I had to scrap convention. God, I love this movie.
~~~
[it is the 80s]
Peter Falk: I brought you a book.
Fred Savage: Is this a kissing book?
[meanwhile, in THE BOOK]
Buttercup: Fetch me that pitcher.
Westley: As you wish.
Vizzini: Inconceivable!
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
[they RIDE AWAY on WHITE HORSES, after KISSING]

Son of Rambow

[it is ENGLAND in the 1980s]
Christian Kid: Sigh. My religion is so crazy. I can't even watch TV at school.
Badass Kid: Smokin' in the movie theater! Pirating Rambo for my big brother! I'm a badass!
[they MEET via FORTUITOUS circumstances involving a BROKEN goldfish bowl]
Badass Kid: Now you have to give me your dead dad's watch and help me make a movie wherein we do extremely dangerous stunts!
Christian Kid: Okay. I'll pray about it, too.
[they FILM some stunts and it is CUTE]
Chuck from Gossip Girl: Oi! Li-ull bruvvah! Bring me my bacon!
Badass Kid: But I gave you this watch for your birthday! Now you can see why I am such a bully...my brother is mean and my parents are always in Spain.
[meanwhile, at SCHOOL]
Redheaded Nerdy Kid: I really hope I get a cool French exchange student buddy. That would give me so much cred.
[the COOLEST FRENCH KID EVER steps off the bus, displaying his BRIGHT RED BOOTS]
Cool Frenchie: Bonjour...l'Angleterre.*
[meanwhile, at CHRISTIAN HOME]
Christian Mom: You need to stop hanging out with those mainstream kids. Here is a story about how I loved pop music as a girl and how it destroyed my relationship with the freaky religious community to which we belong.
Christian Kid: Okay.
[INSTEAD, he becomes BLOOD BROTHERS with the Badass Kid, who builds him a FLYING DOG]
Cool Frenchie: Je suis bored out of my mind. Find me something to do besides test out all the girls at this school by making out with them.
Redheaded Nerdy Kid: Look! A flying dog!
[they get INVOLVED with the MOVIE, wherein Cool Frenchie plays a character named WOLF]
Badass Kid: I thought we were blood brothers! I tried to give you a present! But you like Cool Frenchie more than you like me!
Christian Kid: But I'm cool now! We're in the SIXTH FORM common room! It's AWESOME!
[many SIXTH FORM students are shown with EIGHTIES FASHIONS and lots and lots of EYELINER]
Christian Kid: Okay, everyone, let's go to a highly dangerous deserted lot and finish filming the movie!
[they DO, and he falls in a HOLE filled with OIL and everyone BOUNCES, but the Badass Kid SAVES him]
Badass Kid: Whatevs, I still hate you! At least my brother is there for me!
[he gets CRUSHED by FALLING SHIT but doesn't DIE]
Christian Kid: It's all my fault!!
Christian Sister: I found a present in the yard. It's the watch you gave your friend.
[everyone's HEART is WARMED]
Christian Mom: Your dalliance with the mainstream world has made me realize that our way of life is kind of fucked up.
[she REMOVES her HEADSCARF to show that she is DONE with the weird religion]
Christian Kid: Now I just need to make everything right.
[he goes to the BIG BROTHER and they EDIT the movie and SURPRISE the Badass Kid with a showing at the LOCAL THEATER]
Badass Kid: Now we are friends again.

The Fall

[it is LOS ANGELES]
Insanely Adorable Child: La, la, la...my arm is broken, so I have to be in the hospital, which I apparently can wander around all the livelong day. But where is that note I wrote to the nice nurse?
[she wanders into a ROOM with a HOT MAN in it]
Broken Lee Pace: Is this your note? Am I super-attractive even though I am in a hospital bed? The answer to both things is yes.
Insanely Adorable Child: Tell me a story.
Broken Lee Pace: Perhaps I can use this child to my advantage. Once upon a time, there were some bandits...
[he DESCRIBES the bandits, who have BRIGHTLY COLORED COSTUMES, and Charles Darwin is involved and wears a CRAZY FUR COAT]
Black Bandit, Played by a Random: Yes, my friends, we shall escape this tiny island! I must avenge my brother's death!
Insanely Adorable Child: Why is the black bandit talk like that? Make him talk normal, like you.
Black Bandit Lee Pace: Let us go, my band of...bandits! We are tied together by our hatred of Governor Odious!
[they TRAVEL over SWEEPING VISTAS and LUSH SCENERY for, like, EVER and find some NATIVES who do a DANCE to show them the WAY]
Broken Lee Pace: Now go get me some morphine from the dispensary. I need it to sleep. And I can't tell the story if I can't sleep.
Insanely Adorable Child: Why?
Broken Lee Pace: Because you are too young to realize that I am manipulating you. Also, I want to die.
[she GETS the MORPHINE, but not ENOUGH, but he CONTINUES the story ANYWAY]
Black Bandit Lee Pace: Look! Governor Odious' caravan! Let's travel across this stunning visual and attack it.
[they DO, and find a PRINCESS who is played by the NICE NURSE]
Black Bandit Lee Pace: I have to kill you, because you are Governor Odious' fiancee.
[he TRIES, but the bullet is STOPPED by her LOCKET]
One of the Bandits: The locket says "whoever can open this locket is the person to whom my heart belongs, and when you find that person, you should hold on to him, forever and...
Black Bandit Lee Pace: It says all that in that little locket?*
One of the Bandits: Si.*
Black Bandit Lee Pace: Let's get married.
Princess Nurse: Okay.
[they DO, but are BETRAYED by the PRIEST]
Governor Odious' Men: You are captured!
[the BANDITS all get CAPTURED and TIED UP in a SWEEPING VISTA]
Insanely Adorable Child in a Mini-Black Bandit Costume: It's me! It's me! I'm here to save you!
Broken Lee Pace: Okay, now get me that medication, and once I go to sleep, get lost, kid. I've used you as much as I can.
[he DRIFTS OFF and you see a BODY BAG and you TOTALLY think it's him but it's his ROOMMATE]
Insanely Adorable Child: Finish the story! Finish the story! I'll get you more medicine! Just finish the story!
[she goes BACK to the DISPENSARY and SLIPS on something and FALLS and it is AWFUL and there is a FREAKY-ASS MONTAGE of DOLLS and BUTTERFLIES and WEIRD SHIT]
Broken Lee Pace: I'm sorry I used you to try to commit suicide.
Insanely Adorable Child: FINISH THE STORY!
[he DOES, and systematically KILLS OFF every CHARACTER, starting with Charles Darwin's PET MONKEY and it is SO SAD]
Black Bandit Lee Pace: So, Governor Odious, it is down to you, and it is down to me.
[they FIGHT and he LOSES to Governor Odious, who is PLAYED by the ACTOR who played a JERK who stole Broken Lee Pace's GIRLFRIEND]
Insanely Adorable Child: GET UP! HE CAN'T DIE! HE CAN'T LOSE! GET UP!
[he DOES, and WINS]
Hospital Staff: Now, let's all watch the movie that Lee Pace was making when he hurt himself.
[the CHILD returns to the ORANGE GROVES and tells the audience about many STUNTMEN]

All About Eve

[it is NEW YORK in the 1950s]
Gay-but-not Columnist: Here is a bunch of exposition about these people. But who you're really going to hear about tonight is EVE, who's accepting an award. This is...ALL ABOUT EVE.
[flashbackflashbackflashback]
Mrs. Playwright: Why, child! You're out in the rain! I have noticed you stalking my friend, the great Broadway star, before. Why don't you come in and do your stalking out of the cold!
Eve: Gee, shucks, golly, thanks a bunch. I couldn't begin to tell you how much this means to me. Shucks. Golly.
[they go INSIDE and she is AWED]
Bette Davis: WHAT DO YOU WANT? I'M PUTTING ON MY COLD CREAM.
Eve: Well, I just wanted to meet you. You're my hero. I'm just a young Army widow from Wisconsin who used to work at a brewery. When you're a secretary in a brewery, it's hard to pretend you're anything else. Everything is beer.*
Thelma Ritter: What a sad story. It has cracked even the veneer of this sarcastic, no-nonsense character I always play, but always awesomely.
Bette Davis: Hmm...perhaps you could be of use to me, child. I have been looking for someone I can kick around without feeling very bad about it.
[she HIRES her as some sort of GIRL FRIDAY/PROFESSIONAL FAN]
Eve: [STARES at her WEIRDLY and acts STALKERY]
Bette Davis: This is weirding me out. Let's just have a party for my 8-years-younger boyfriend, the director, who has been in Hollywood. I'll get raging drunk. It'll be fabulous.
[she DOES, and it IS]
Director-Boyfriend: Eve's quite interesting, isn't she? I sort of like her.
Bette Davis: FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS...IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY NIGHT.*
[she gets DRUNKER]
Gay-but-not Critic: I brought this very beautiful girl as my date to cover up my gayness. She's a graduate of the Copacabana School of Dramatic Art.*
Marilyn Monroe: I'm gonna be famous!
Bette Davis: I'm so oolllldddd!!!
[she gets EVEN DRUNKER and MORE FABULOUS]
Eve: Oh golly gosh gee willikers. I sure would love to be Bette Davis' understudy.
Mrs. Playwright: That sounds perfectly logical, and not at all creepy and stalkery. I'll talk to the producer behind my best friend's back to help you.
[she DOES, and it is SCANDALOUS]
Director-Boyfriend: Oh, hey, sweetie. Eve read your part during Miss Copacabana's audition and she was better than you ever were. SUCKA!
Bette Davis: I WILL NOT BE PLOTTED AGAINST.*
[Director-Boyfriend PUSHES her on a BED to more STRONGLY prove his POINT]
Mrs. Playwright: Hmm...perhaps Bette Davis needs to be taken down a notch.
[she plans a TRICK so that Eve will PERFORM instead of Bette Davis and they get STRANDED in the COUNTRY]
Bette Davis: I'll take this opportunity of being stranded in a car to tell you my entire philosophy of being a woman in show business.
[she DOES]
Bette Davis: Slow curtain. The end.*
The Press: We love Eve!
Bette Davis: I HATE YOU ALL.
Gay-but-not Critic: So, Eve, looks like your plan is working pretty well. We should hang out. Maybe I'm not gay. No one knows.
[they go to the CUB ROOM and EVERYONE is there and DRAMA ensues in the BATHROOM]
Eve: If you don't tell your husband to give me the part in his new play, I'll tell everyone about the trick you played and you'll be ruined. RUINED!
[she does a lot of INTENSE LOOKING to show she means BUSINESS]
Mrs. Playwright: All right. I'll do what you ask, you contemptible little worm.
Bette Davis: Guess what! Director-Boyfriend and I are getting married!
[she RETIRES because she is MARRIED and you can't KEEP HOUSE and ACT as well]
Eve: MY PLAN IS FALLING INTO PLACE. Now, for the playwright!
[she has an AFFAIR with the playwright and tries to CONVINCE him to leave his WIFE, because she hasn't done ENOUGH DAMAGE]
Gay-but-not Critic: Ohhhh, no you don't. You're mine now! I know all about your made-up story. Dead husband? PLEASE. You're a LIAR.
[Eve LAUGHS and he SLAPS her in the WORST STAGE COMBAT ever to be FILMED]
Gay-but-not Critic: Now remember as long as you live, never to laugh at me. At anything or anyone else, but never at me.*
[we are RETURNED to the original TIME FRAME, where Eve is ACCEPTING her AWARD]
Everyone: [stares ICILY]
Bette Davis: Nice speech, Eve. But I wouldn't worry too much about your heart. You can always put that award where your heart ought to be.*
[Eve RETURNS to her HOTEL ROOM to BASK in her DECEIT and GRANDEUR]
Some Random: Hi. I snuck into your room, and then fell asleep in it. Can I please become your protege in much the same way you did with Bette Davis, and form a Machiavellian scheme to basically take over your life?
Eve: Sure.
[the RANDOM puts on Eve's CAPE and LOOKS at herself in a 360-degree MIRROR for, like, EVER so you KNOW it's come FULL CIRCLE]

Quills

Upon posting this, I realized that this week has included two teen movies, two racy (or rather, one racy and one that wished it was) period movies, and a teen movie that uses a racy period novel as its inspiration. Thanks, Cruel Intentions, for tying this week together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the FRENCH REVOLUTION]
Some Girl: You may think that I am having sex right now because of the words and sounds you are hearing, but in reality I am about to be guillotined. JUXTAPOSITION!!!
Geoffrey Rush: Yes...YES. Pain and pleasure. Synonymous, no? I shall watch the beheading from my gilded tower. Nothing shall ever confine me.
[it is YEARS later]
Geoffrey Rush: Shit, this insane asylum is rather confining. Good thing I have this pretty laundress to ogle.
Kate Winslet: Here's some more paper and ink. Do you have any more of those racy, racy stories to give me?
Geoffrey Rush: Do you want to give me a kiss? ON MY PENIS?!?!
Kate Winslet: I find you compelling, but repulsive! Just give me the damn story.
Joaquin Phoenix: [gazes LONGINGLY at her in his PRIEST'S collar]
[she TAKES the STORY to a DUDE on a HORSE who is all FLIRTY, who gets it PUBLISHED, secretly]
Geoffrey Rush: Hey, priest! Come have some wine with me! We'll talk about my recovery and I'll make lewd jokes! It'll be fun!
Joaquin Phoenix: Wine? It's, like, 11 in the morning.
Geoffrey Rush: Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.*
[the STORY is a HUGE HIT in ALLEYS and BARNS and HAYSTACKS, but NOT in the PALACE]
Napoleon: This is TRAAASH! I am a tiny little man who detests trash! BURN THEM! ALL OF THEM! Also, send Michael Caine to that asylum. He has developed a new method of torture...I mean, therapy, that I think could be beneficial in killing...I mean, curing the Marquis.
Michael Caine: All right, I'll go. I just need to stop at a convent and pick up a 15-year-old girl to marry.
[he DOES, and it is GROSS]
Kate Winslet: Have you heard??? The new doctor has a bride that could be his granddaughter. How scandalous!
Geoffrey Rush: I shall take a tip from Hamlet and present a play that will hit him where it hurts. Ha HA!
[they STAGE a play that DEPICTS the EXACT story of the new DOCTOR and it is RACY]
Kate Winslet: Help! I'm backstage, being raped by the hugest man ever!
[she CLOCKS him with a HOT IRON]
Joaquin Phoenix: Are you all right? Let me hold you...as a child of God, I mean. Not as a beautiful woman. I'm a priest. I'm CELIBATE. YES.
[meanwhile, at Michael Caine's STATELY HOME]
Michael Caine: Give my child bride whatever she wants. I mean, I pretty much rape her every night. Peruvian marble is the least I can do in exchange for her childhood.
Hot Architect: All right! Biggest budget ever!
Mrs. Marquis de Sade: Can't you help my husband? At all? I do love him, even though he makes me go buy dildos at the dildosmith's, and beats me for not bringing him a fucking pen.
Michael Caine: Of course I can help him. Just give me all your money.
Hot Architect: SWEET!
Child Bride: Who is this Marquis? And what are these books? My teenage heart is curious. I shall procure this novel, thus learning the ways of the wang.
[meanwhile, Geoffrey Rush has NO PENS or INK or PAPER, so he writes a NOVEL on a SHEET, and then when they take THOSE away, he uses his OWN BLOOD and CLOTHING]
Kate Winslet: This sheet story is the best ever!
Michael Caine: You helped him! I can tell! You're going away!
Kate Winslet: You're just mad because your child bride totally ran off with the hot architect! And she totally blew him! And not you! Suckaaaa!
Michael Caine: OUUUUUUUTTTT!
Kate Winslet: Please, just tell me one last story to remember you by, Marquis.
[they set up an ELABORATE telephone-like CHAIN so that Geoffrey Rush can DICTATE from his CELL and Kate Winslet can TRANSCRIBE in the LAUNDRY ROOM]
Pyromaniac: FIRE!!!!!!!
[he sets EVERYTHING on FIRE and everyone ESCAPES]
Joaquin Phoenix: Where is Kate Winslet? We almost kissed the other night and it's been awkward.
[she is FLOATING in a LAUNDRY VAT full of BLOOD because the HUGE DUDE killed her]
Joaquin Phoenix: Noooooooooooooo!!! PUT THE MARQUIS IN THAT ONE CRAZY CELL WE HAVE THAT'S LIKE A DUNGEON! YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I MEAN! THAT ONE! WITH THE STAIRS!
[he has a DREAM that he is having SEX with ALIVE Kate Winslet and then with DEAD Kate Winslet and it is ICKY]
Geoffrey Rush: [silence; his TONGUE has been CUT OUT]
Joaquin Phoenix: Well. I like how you used your own shit to write a story on the walls. Very inventive. Now, I'm going to give you this cross to kiss so you can die absolved of your sins.
Geoffrey Rush: [SWALLOWS the cross and CHOKES on it]
Joaquin Phoenix: Fuck, man! Well...guess I better go crazy too. I'll live in the cell that the Marquis used to occupy. How poetic.
Billie Whitelaw: Here, have some paper. FULL CIRCLE!!

Guest Post: Being Julia

Acting is hard. But acting like an actor? That's the hardest of all. So much meta-performance. Laura McClain lets us in on a secret: diva-fits are the way to get what you want, always.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is LONDON in the TWENTIES]
Annette Bening: So tired! Being a grande dame is EXHAUSTING! I need a break from my adoring public and critical raves!
[she HAS the FIRST of many HUGE DIVA-FITS]
Jeremy Irons: Can you believe how light and humorous I am in this movie? So droll and surprisingly attractive!
[he INTRODUCES Julia to a YOUNG American]
Young American Chap: Gee, Miss Julia, you sure are swell! What other quaint American slang phrases can I use to illustrate how apple-pie, aw-sucks gosh-darn charming I am?
Annette Bening: You remind me of my youth. And I like that you think I' m hot, though I 'm old enough to be your - no, I won 't say it!
[they GET it ON]
Annette Bening: This scandalous affair with a near-teen has invigorated me! I want to drink beer and exercise and raise the timbre of my deep man-voice!
[she DOES all these THINGS while BRAVELY smiling and SHOWING her DEEP laugh lines, EARNING the RESPECT of those who are ANTI-BOTOX]
Annette Bening: Wooo! Let' s have a picturesque party on a lake! I 'll bring my husband and boy-toy! It 's somehow accepted in prim English society!
[her boy-toy FLIRTS with a PRETTY yet DUMB girl]
Annette Bening: Aargh! Baaaah! DIVA RAGE!!!!!
Jeremy Irons: Let' s produce a new play. I must find a young ingénue to play opposite you, Julia.
Young American Chap : Um - I have this "friend " that would be perfect.
[he MAKES Julia HIRE the PRETTY yet DUMB girl, and then BREAKS up with HER]
Jeremy Irons: Sounds great! I think I shall have my own scandalous affair with this pretty young piece.
[he DOES]
Annette Bening: You may think you have won, husband and boy-toy, but my wrinkles shall have the last laugh!
[she ACTS really NICE, thus EARNING the TRUST of the PRETTY yet DUMB girl, then hilariously HUMILIATES her on OPENING NIGHT by UPSTAGING her and EXPOSING her AFFAIR]
Jeremy Irons: That was evil and awesome. I love Julia again.
Pretty Dumb Girl: That cow! I never want to act again!
Jeremy Irons: Sorry, you signed a lifelong contract.
Pretty Dumb Girl: NOOOOO!
[Julia BASKS in her REVENGE and WISDOM and DRINKS a HUGE glass of BEER at a RESTAURANT, because LEARNING to love YOURSELF is the GREATEST love of ALL]

Classics Week: Gene Kelly Twofer

We love us some Gene Kelly. The dancing, the million-dollar smile, the hotness, the stunts, Xanadu...okay, maybe not that last one. But we have many fond memories of Gene, singing and dancing, occasionally inexplicably, in many a classic musical. So today, for Classics Week Friday, we have not one, but TWO Gene Kelly films.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is PRE-TALKIE Hollywood]
Gene Kelly: It’s me, Gene Kelly, stuntman within a movie star within a movie star! Also, I’m not sure if you knew this…but I’m a dancer too.
Donald O’Connor: Hells yeah! Let’s get craaaazy! But silently crazy, because movies don’t have sound yet.
Squeaky-Voiced Leading Lady: Good thing, too, because if anyone ever heard my voice, they’d be in for a big surprise! I sure hope nothing happens to disrupt our happy silent movie way of life, and also my love affair with Gene Kelly.
[everyone tries to RIP Gene Kelly’s CLOTHES off, so he ESCAPES by jumping into Debbie Reynolds’ MOVING VEHICLE]
Gene Kelly: Hey there, sweetcheeks.
Debbie Reynolds: You don’t impress me. [sing-songily] Here we are, Sunset and Camden!* [angrily] Get out.
Gene Kelly: She was feisty…I liked it.
[everyone goes to a SEXY PARTY where Debbie Reynolds DANCES with a CRAZY HAT on and then throws CAKE at the leading lady]
Gene Kelly: SO FEISTY!! Love it.
Donald O’Connor: I’m hilarious, and I’m going to sing about it!
[he DANCES with a DUMMY and does various PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE things]
Some Movie Executive: Talkies! Talkies! Talkies! It’s all the rage!! We need to outfit your costume with the hugest flower ever so that we can hide the microphone in it.
Gene Kelly: Uh…are you aware that this chick sounds like an unoiled subway car running over a dying cat?
Squeaky-Voiced Leading Lady: I caaaaan’t staaaan’ ‘em.
Voice Therapist: [in AFFECTED British accent] I – can’t – stand – him.
[there is a SPEECH THERAPY-related song and dance which CULMINATES in a bunch of STUFF being PILED on the speech therapist, including a PLACARD showing you how to PRONOUNCE the letter A]
Gene Kelly: I just realized something!! I love that girl with the crazy hat!
[he SINGS to HIMSELF in the RAIN]
Debbie Reynolds: You’re lame!
[he SINGS to HER on a SOUNDSTAGE]
Debbie Reynolds: No, wait, you’re not.
[they KISS]
Gene Kelly: Hey, you’re an awesome singer…I have a plan.
[they CONTRIVE to DUB the leading lady’s voice with Debbie Reynolds’, but accidentally THWART their own PLAN when they raise the CURTAIN, revealing their SECRET VOICE]
Audience: Whaaaaa? Scandalous!
Debbie Reynolds: Yes, it’s me. You know, Marnie Nixon is going to totally make a career out of doing this dubbing thing, so just get over yourselves.
Some Movie Executive: Wait, you’ve got a lovely voice AND you’re cuter than that other leading lady? Let’s make a movie!
[they DO, and SING about it. And KISS]


*For some reason, this line has been in my head forever, such that when I arrive places, I have said, "Here we are, Sun-set and Cam-den!" and people have looked at me all crazy. It's a small price to pay for movie musical magic, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After reading this version of An American in Paris, I'm pretty sure Laura McClain has been harboring a Gene Kelly fantasy for a looooooong time. Haven't we all, though...haven't we all?

[it is post-war Paris]
Gene Kelly: I 'm a hot ex-GI who has remained after the war to paint. By the way, I'm also a swell dancer.
[he is CLEARLY about 20 years TOO OLD to be an ex-GI, and POSSIBLY the WORST painter EVER]
Friendly Parisian Neighbors: Bonjour, Gene Kelly! Voulez-vous chanter et danser?
Gene Kelly: Mais oui!
[he SPEAKS French and dances NIMBLY with ADORABLE Parisian CHILDREN]
Gene Kelly: Time to go sell my paintings on the side of the street in a charming way.
Rich Slut: Damn, Gene Kelly...I'm very interested in your ass - I mean, "paintings."
[she BECOMES his PATRONESS, which is 50's-speak for ATTEMPTED FEMALE JOHN]
Gene Kelly: Hello, adorable, 18-year old Leslie Caron. I will beg you to go out with me in a charming/creepy manner, and consistently mispronounce your French name.
Leslie Caron: Ooh la la!
[they FALL in LOVE, though BOTH have SECRETS]
Rich Slut : How dare you love another girl!
[she ACTS all CRAZY and POSSESSIVE and BUYS him many GIFTS to OBTAIN his LOVE] Oscar Levant: Ha ha, friend. You are a man-whore.
Gene Kelly: No way. I' m in love with the Parisian waif.
[he SINGS many SONGS that REINFORCE this FACT]
Leslie Caron: Oh sorry, I' m engaged to another guy. And we 're getting married tomorrow.
Gene Kelly: I will mask my pain by emotionally messing with my "patroness."
[he DOES, and TAKES her to an AWESOME black-and-white BALL where they SEE Leslie Caron]
Gene Kelly: Why must it hurt so bad? I shall go to the roof and think of Paris.
[he has the BEST FANTASY EVER in which he DOES many HOT dance MOVES, including dancing SEXILY in a FOUNTAIN which EJACULATES water, and WEARING a yellow BODYSUIT, that SORT of EXPLAIN his LOVE and LIFE, but is REALLY just an EXCUSE to do some BADASS dancing]
Leslie Caron: Just kidding, I came back!
[they HUG, and PRESUMABLY live FOREVER in CHARMING Parisian POVERTY]

Guest Post: Center Stage

Like the main character in the 2000 schlock-fest Center Stage, Laura McClain's tenacity and determination have taken her far in life. Also, she has befriended many gays, but is probably a better dancer than young Jodie Sawyer. Please enjoy this guest post by Laura as she transports you to a place where dreams come true, and everyone is a cliche wrapped in a stereotype with a creamy one-dimensional sauce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 2000]
Jodie Sawyer: I hope they will accept me into the prestigious yet fictitious American Ballet Academy!
Auditor: Wow, she has bad feet and no turnout, whatever that means. Although we will continue to berate her about these things she cannot change, we will accept her.
[she ACCEPTS Jodie into ABA]
Jodie: Wow, New York is so different from the plains of the Midwest! I hope my naivete will not stand in the way of my dreams.
[a GAY dancer RIDES up on his HOG]
Cooper Nielson: I will help you with your bags, if you and the rest of the viewing audience will pretend that I 'm not the queeniest part of this already gay movie.
Jodie: [DROOLS]
Eva Rodriguez: I smoke! And I'm black and Latina! I'll cut a bitch, and refuse to conform to ABA's dress code!
Maureen Cummings: Wow, I'm a huge bitch. I wonder if my cold frigid exterior and clinical dancing masks an inner pain.
[they have a CLASS and Jodie DANCES TERRIBLY]
Peter Gallagher: I am the head of this school, and a former ballerina! Shut up, I totally am! If you don't dance well enough to be in the workshop at the end of the year, I will not accept you into my company!
[he RAISES and LOWERS his MAGNIFICENT EYEBROWS for EFFECT]
Jodie Sawyer: Oh, why am I such a bad dancer?
[she DESPAIRS]
Charlie: Although I am also gay, I will take you salsa dancing and proclaim my love.
[they salsa dance HOTLY, but Jodie cannot FORGET Cooper Nielson]
Cooper: Allow me to spirit you off to a borough on my hog, for some painful flirting and unconvincing lovemaking.
Jodie: Cool!
Cooper: Dance in my workshop piece. It's totally gonna blow everyone's mind. It's a direct rip-off of my painful relationship woes.
[they REHEARSE, and Cooper BERATES Jodie, who cries, yet gets her SPIRIT BACK through the POWER of dance]
Maureen: I can't believe I ate that tiny cup of frozen yogurt!
[she THROWS UP under the PRESSURE of her OVERBEARING MOTHER]
Maureen's Boyfriend: I want to help you!
Maureen: [UTTERS the best line of the movie] I am the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy? Who the hell are you? NOBODY!
[The day of the WORKSHOP]
Maureen: Dance my part in the workshop, Eva. I hate ballet and all it stands for. And my mom.
[Eva DOES, to great ACCLAIM]
Peter Gallagher: I was wrong about so many things. Let us watch this new alterna-ballet.
Only Out Gay Male Dancer: I have injured myself! The understudy must go on for me!
Cooper: He is unworthy. Only I can dance the part!
[Cooper's ballet is PERFORMED with many physically IMPOSSIBLE costume changes, and other ridiculous ELEMENTS, such as a HOG on the STAGE and BALLET SEX]
Jodie: I've been redeemed! Peter Gallagher, I don't need to be in your company - I'm better than that. I will be a principal in Cooper Nielson's new company!
[she makes an IMPASSIONED SPEECH]
Peter Gallagher: Which one are you again?
[Jodie REJECTS Cooper and MAKES OUT with Charlie to THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]