The Intern

So I think this movie’s heart was in the right place and there’s a very appealing sweetness to it. I just…I don’t know WHY this movie exists. What does it want from us? It’s like some dude in an undergrad discussion section that natters on and on about a subject that is potentially interesting, but then finishes talking without making a single point and the TA is silent for a few seconds and just like “…ok, thanks for that.” And the dude is attempting to think in a feminist way but he just can’t quiiiite get there. It’s nobody’s fault and everyone is trying their best. That’s actually a killer title for a Nancy Meyers movie. Someone call Diane! 

***

[it is a SANITIZED WORLD where EVERYONE is PLEASANT]

Robert De Niro [in V.O.]: I am an old man. But I’m spry! I retired a few years ago and then my wife died and I feel adrift, but not in a depressing way. I wonder what could give my life meaning again.
[there is a MONTAGE of him DOING TAI CHI and GOING to FUNERALS and CHILLING at Starbucks]
Robert De Niro: Why, it’s a job posting for a seniors internship program, which makes perfect sense, since high-performing tech start-ups in 2015 are always posting fliers on community bulletin boards. 
[he carefully SELECTS a TIE and is HIRED due to his CAN-DO spirit and EXPERIENCE as a phone book EXECUTIVE]
Andrew Rannells: Welcome to our fashion tech company in the world’s most artful Brooklyn loft. We’ve only been open for 18 months but somehow have the footprint and staff of a company that’s been operating for a decade! Don’t overthink it.
[De Niro MEETS his SCRUFFY intern COMPATRIOTS who are AWED by his SUITS and BRIEFCASE]
Andrew Rannells: I’ve assigned you to our founder and HBIC, Anne Hathaway. That’s her, on the quirky office bike!
[we SEE her being CAPABLE and RULING the OFFICE with KINDNESS and ATTENTION to DETAIL] 
Anne Hathaway: I’m so busy and stressed, and even though my outfits are on point and I appear to be endlessly patient, I don’t have time for this intern!
Robert De Niro: Reporting for duty, ma’am!
Anne Hathaway: I’m good, thanks. 

Robert De Niro: Okey dokey! 
[he READS the PAPER and DOLES out LOVE ADVICE to the NERDS and is GENERALLY AGREEABLE, as is his WONT]
Renee Russo: I’m the office masseuse and see that you’re a little tight in the hips, you silver fox.
[she RUBS him DOWN in a OVERLY FAMILIAR way and he POPS a BONE, which was a SURPRISE for us ALL]
The Scruffy Interns: Hooray!
[De Niro RESCUES Anne Hathaway from her DRUNKEN town car DRIVER and DRIVES her around, PROVIDING WISDOM like Kevin DID for Bethenny on RHONY]
Anne Hathaway: Thanks for dropping me off. Don’t you love my house? It looks like a picture book because this is a Nancy Meyers movie. 
[De Niro MEETS her ADORABLE CHILD and USELESS, neck-bearded HUSBAND]
Anne Hathaway: It's so hard being a working mom. I'm trying to #leanin but you all seem disappointed in me. 
Useless Neckbeard: I’m attempting to be supportive, but am really doing the “death by a thousand cuts” routine. Remember how I gave up my career so you could chase your dreams?
Anne Hathaway: I’m just so BUSY! They want me to hire a CEO for the company, but I think I can do it all myself!
[she and De Niro BOND over LATE-NIGHT work pizza and she CREATES a Facebook ACCOUNT for him and they GENERALLY bro out]
Anne Hathaway: I really appreciate your platonic friendship and the fact that you’re not Jack Nicholson, who would have insisted on a rewrite where I bang you. 
Robert De Niro: I’m just here to be your Manic Pixie Dream Grandpa! 
[they LOOK at EACH OTHER with MUTUAL FONDNESS and ADMIRATION]
Anne Hathaway: Oh no! I’ve accidentally sent an email to my mom calling her a fucking bitch, as one does.
Robert De Niro: The scruffers and I shall retrieve it!
[he and his INTERN BROS GO to her MOM’S house where HIJINKS ENSUE and DELETE the EMAIL]
Anne Hathaway: You’re my favorite employees ever! Let’s get drunk!
[De Niro TAKES her CHILD to SCHOOL and then SEES Ol’ Neckbeard TRYSTING in a CAR in FRONT of his OWN HOME like a GENIUS]
Robert De Niro: [SHAKES HEAD in DISAPPOINTMENT]
Anne Hathaway: I have something shocking to tell you, Robert De Niro - my husband is cheating on me. I think I have to hire a CEO to protect his oh-so-fragile masculinity.  

Robert De Niro: Don't sell yourself short, homie. 
[they go on a BUSINESS TRIP and WATCH Singin’ in the Rain in MATCHING hotel robes and CRY and she RELUCTANTLY hires a CEO]
Anne Hathaway: I've taken all the weep-baths and I still don't know if made the right choice. Bobby D will set me straight!
[Renee Russo ANSWERS his DOOR because there was a ROMANTIC SUBPLOT that was SO UNNECESSARY I didn’t even INCLUDE it]

Robert De Niro: Anne Hathaway, I think you can be your own CEO based on this one time I watched you show warehouse workers how to fold tissue paper. You care so much!

Anne Hathaway: But my MARRIAGE!
[her LOW-STATUS husband SHOWS UP at the OFFICE]
Useless Neckbeard: I cheated on you and it was so wrong but I support your dreams. Please keep bringing in that sweet fashion tech money.
Anne Hathaway: OK, I’m going to fire that CEO and be a badass #girlboss. But where is Robert De Niro, who I now realize is my best friend?
[his DESK is EMPTY and for a SECOND I thought that he had PULLED a FULL Mary Poppins and BLOWN AWAY with the WIND to HELP another rich WHITE woman REALIZE her POTENTIAL]
Anne Hathaway: Oh wait, he’s just here in the park, doing tai chi.
[they do TAI CHI together FOREVERMORE]

Anna Karenina (2012)

Have you guys ever noticed how much Keira Knightley gasps in movies? Seriously, it's a thing. She's like a skittish deer, constantly being happened upon and shrieking. I had a roommate like that once and it was annoying as hell. Look alive, Knightley! 

***

[it is IMPERIALIST RUSSIA, but also a giant THEATER because this MOVIE is HIGH-CONCEPT]

Matthew McFayden: It's me, Sexy Darcy! I grew a hilarious mustache and have strayed from my loyal wife. Little do I know the eventual tragic consequences of my wandering wang.
His Wife: [SOBS HYSTERICALLY]
[he WRITES a LETTER to his BELOVED SISTER to ASK her to come and CHILL OUT his wife]
Keira Knightley: Oh, that scamp! Husband, may I go?
Jude Law: Yes, but I and my receding hairline disapprove.
[she BOARDS a TRAIN bound for MOSCOW, where the THEATER concept is USED CREATIVELY]
Matthew McFayden: Why it's my dear friend, country bumpkin Levin! What brings you to town, old chum?
Domhal Gleeson: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW AND MUST DECLARE MY INTENTIONS, THOUGH LOVE IS PROVINCIAL.
Matthew McFayden: Splendid! But I must warn you, she is in love with a hunk.
Domnhal Gleeson: I MUST SHOW HER MY LOVE AND ALSO MY WIG.
[meanwhile, Keira Knightley GETS OFF the TRAIN and CATCHES a GLIMPSE of an OFFICER in the BLONDEST, CURLIEST WIG ever COMMITTED to film]
Keira Knightley: Gasp! I'm intrigued. But first I must shame my sister-in-law into forgiving my brother.
[she DOES, kind of]
Matthew McFayden: Hurrah! Let's all go to a ball!
Domhal Gleeson: HELLO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, WILL YOU MARRY ME.
Alicia Vikander: Sorry, but no.
Domhal Gleeson: NOW I WILL REJECT ALL FEELINGS AND GO TEND THE FIELDS OF RUSSIA FOREVERMORE.
[the theater OPENS up to SAID FIELDS, kinda DESTROYING the MOVIE'S theater-logic, but it is BEAUTIFUL anyway]
Alicia Vikander: There's my suitor with the flaxen curls! Wait, where is he going?

Count "Original Ramen" Vronsky: I noticed you from across the room, Keira Knightley. Let us dance.
[they do a WEIRD, arm-centric DANCE as the room SPINS FRANTICALLY]
Keira Knightley: Gasp again! My feelings!
[she GAZES in the MIRROR and IMAGINES a FORESHADOWING locomotive RACING at her]
Keira Knightley: Thus begins my storyline, just 20 minutes into the movie.
Count "Platinum Labradoodle" Vronsky: I have followed you to St. Petersburg because I love you. Such is the power of arm-dancing.
Keira Knightley: Do not pursue me at every social event!
[he DOES]
Jude Law: Your not-so-furtive glances at 2002 Justin Timberlake are attracting attention from society.
Keira Knightley: I don't know what you're talking about!
[she GOES to Count "Young Amy March" Vronsky's HOUSE and they BONE]
Keira Knightley: Finally I know happiness! Let us liaise all over St. Petersburg!
[there are MANY super-tight SHOTS of their WIGS TANGLING mid-LOVEMAKING]
Count "But Why is it SO Blonde" Vronsky: I shall race for you, my lady, on my beloved horse.
[he CARESSES the Horse's FLANKS for TOO LONG]
Lady Mary Crawley and that Lady from "The Affair": You are scandalous, Keira, and we love it.
[Count "I Might Be Hot But There’s No Getting Past This" Vronsky FALLS off his HORSE and he has to SHOOT it and it is the most UPSETTING thing to HAPPEN thus far]
Keira Knightley: NOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone: O.M.G.
Jude Law: You have shamed me publicly. I'm furious but my voice will never raise above a whisper.
Keira Knightley: Well, I'm pregnant and it's not yours, because you insist on using a weird 1890s condom.
Jude Law: If only it was 1998. My golden curls would have wiped the goddamn floor with Time-Traveling Spencer Pratt over there. This cuts the deepest.

[he TOUCHES his BALD HEAD sadly]

Jude Law: You are depraved* and can no longer see your son that you never really saw anyway.
Keira Knightley: I am distraught! Also I think that Count "Mama Rose and her Hollywood Blondes" Vronsky is cheating on me!
[she STARTS to DIE in CHILDBIRTH for ATTENTION but is EVENTUALLY fine and has her BABY]
Meanwhile in SUBPLOT-LAND...
Domhal Gleeson: I HAVE TRIED TO SOOTHE MY ANGUISH WITH GRAIN THRASHING BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH. I MUST GO AND TRY TO WIN ALICIA VIKANDER’S HEART AGAIN.
Alicia Vikander: I was a foolish child to love Season Two Felicity instead of you.
[they VISIT and PLAY some kind of SCRABBLE game with GIANT blocks for like, EVER, and I GUESS they AGREE to get MARRIED]
Keira Knightley: I want to rejoin society. I'm not ashamed of what I've done, though I've spent the last 20 minutes of this film weeping.
Count "I'm Just...I'm Out of Ways to Describe it" Vronsky: Yeah...you’re teetering on the edge at all times so maybe that’s not the best idea.
Keira Knightley: I KNEW IT, YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME.
[she IMAGINES him BONING Cara Delevingne, who’s is RANDOMLY in this MOVIE]
Keira Knightley: There is only one way to be at peace.
[she WALKS in SUPER-SLOW MOTION through the THEATER because OH RIGHT, this is in a THEATER and THROWS herself under a TRAIN]
Everyone: [SADNESS MONTAGE]
[a BE-HATTED Jude Law SITS in a FLOWER FIELD while his son and Keira's SCANDAL daughter PLAY]
Director Joe Wright: My concept was amazing until it wasn't. Hope you enjoyed the wig parade.

*actual line from movie

Annnnnd we're sort-of-back-post: Breakfast at Tiffany's

Remember when I was all "I will save the blog-child and she will thrive"? Like, a year ago? Whoops, sorry about that. Here's something for y'all - a movie from 1967 that we're all sick to death of! Happy holidays?

***

[it is the SWINGING 60’s]
Audrey Hepburn: Croissants and diamonds really go together well. Nom nom.
[she GOES home to her SWEET brownstone and is ASSAULTED by a NERD]
Nerd: Where’d you go, baby? I gave you money for the powder room! You owe meeeee.
[she BUZZES her NEIGHBOR’S buzzer and things get pretty RACIST]
Mickey Rooney: I am Japanese! Miss GoRiiiiiiiiiiigtry!!!
Audrey Hepburn: Hello DARLING! Don’t be cross with me!
[he FORGIVES her, as EVERYONE does]
George Peppard: Hi, I’m new here. Sorry I buzzed you, but I didn’t pick out this apartment for a mysterious reason. Where’s your furniture?
Audrey Hepburn: I’m naked! And sleeping in the middle of the day. Hello, cat! The phone’s in the suitcase! Oh no, I have to go to Sing Sing!
[she RUNS around QUIRKILY]
George Peppard: I am intrigued by this woman- child.
Audrey Hepburn: My DARLING friend Sally has to give me the weather report. It’s innocent! Bye!
[she RUNS off in a GIVENCHY GOWN]
Patricia Neal: Paaaaaul daaaaarling. Do you loooove the house? I couldn’t resiiiiiist.
[she is OLD and LEAVES money on his DRESSER, after they DO IT]
Audrey Hepburn: Hi. I saw your lady john leave money on your dresser. Can I come and lay in bed with you, since we are both subtly whores? I will call you Fred now.
George Peppard: Uh, ok.
Audrey Hepburn: You’re a writer. Why aren’t you writing more? I can’t imagine what could possibly inspire you here.
George Peppard: Keeping my hair perfectly shellacked takes a lot of time. But maybe something around here could be inspirational…
Audrey Hepburn: Darling! Come to my sexy party!
[there is a PERFECT party SCENE involving CAFTANS and GAYS and EYE PATCHES and CRYING into MIRRORS, while Hepburn DUMPS booze on people UNWITTINGLY]
The Guy Who Gets Face-Slashed in Psycho: Ah, that tomato really is something. A real genuine phony.
[the PARTY ends with COPS and Mickey Rooney RACISM, as ALL good PARTIES do]
Audrey Hepburn: [sits on FIRE ESCAPE and sings "Moon River" to SHOW how PERFECT and WOUNDED she is]
George Peppard: Gaaaaaaaze. Oh, my lady john is here.
Patricia Neal: Daaaaarling…there is a strange maaaaan outside your apartment building. I think my husband hired goons to waaaaatch you.
George Peppard: I’ll put a stop to this!
[he GOES to MENACE the MAN though he could not be LESS menacing]
Man in Stetson: Hi there, son. I’m here for my wife, Lulu Mae. Let me tell you the backstory, while I eat this Cracker Jack.
[he tells a LONG and BORING story about how Hepburn was a HICK who MARRIED an OLD DUDE when she was like NINE, but RAN AWAY to be a CITY floozy]
Man in Stetson: Also, I’ve been takin’ care of her dumdum brother, and I can’t do that no more. He’ll have to go into the army.
George Peppard: Though I have known Holly for roughly five minutes, I am somehow personally betrayed by this story. I will bring you to her!
Audrey Hepburn: I just CAN’T go back with you, darling! Here’s some money for my beloved dimwit brother. Take care of him.
[they put Stetson on a BUS to the STRAINS of "Moon River"]
Audrey Hepburn: I feel guilt and want to get drunk. Let’s go watch some 60s-bodied strippers.
[they DO and she acts like a JERK]
Audrey Hepburn: Sorry I was a jerk last night. It’s just my jam. Let’s spend the day doing new things! Isn’t it great how we are both whores and don’t have to worry about day jobs?
[they STEAL from a five-and-ten, go to the LIBRARY and harass Mr. Banks at TIFFANYS where they get a CRACKER JACK ring ENGRAVED]
George Peppard: Everything is amazing. Now I will kiss her into a camera smeared with Vaseline. And break up with my lady john.
Patricia Neal: Oh, so it’s like thaaaaat, huh?
[she BURNS him in an ELEGANT way and you SUDDENLY wish the WHOLE movie was about HER]
George Peppard: I love you, Holly!
Audrey Hepburn: Oh darling, don’t be silly, I couldn’t possibly be with you. I have to marry for money!
[she GETS herself ENGAGED to a HOT, RICH Brazilian dude]
George Peppard: Nerd rage!
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME later…]
Audrey Hepburn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Hot Brazilian Dude: Please to help, man resembling Ken doll! The weird woman-child is loco!
[he FINDS her DESTROYING her APARTMENT because her BROTHER is DEAD and it is SAD, but also, maybe Audrey Hepburn isn’t SUPER great at ACTING?]
George Peppard: I’m sorry about your brother. Let’s hang out one more time before you go to Brazil.
[they have a PLEASANT time, but then she gets ARRESTED for the MOB thing that happened like, HOURS ago]
George Peppard: I bailed you out of jail because I am a classic “nice guy” who thinks he’s being a great friend but is really just trying to blackmail you into loving him. Anyway, your filthy foreign fiancé is dumping you because you are scandalous.
Audrey Hepburn: Whatever. I’ll go to Brazil anyway and have an adventure.
George Peppard: No! You have to stay here, because you belong to me, because I am a creep!
Audrey Hepburn: No! I am free, just like the nameless cat!
[she LETS the CAT out of the CAB and then INSTANTLY runs after it]
Audrey Hepburn: This rain-soaked cat has made me realize that I love you.
[they MAKE out and I hope that he SELLS a STORY or SOMETHING, because they are STILL both WHORES]

 

Guest Post: My Week with Marilyn

Once again, Laura McClain picks up the slack where I have let it fall. Also I had NO idea Emma Watson was in this AT ALL until I read this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is 1956]

Freckled Youth: Jolly good. Though my family is rich and I literally live in a castle, I have decided that I want to shame them and go into the movie business.

His Dad: Good luck, son. FYI, you can come back to a boring research job when your stupid dream is dead.

[he GOES to LONDON to try to WORK for Laurence Olivier's PRODUCTION COMPANY]

Freckled Youth: Cheerio! I'd like a job, sir! It's fine if it's unpaid, for I am a rich boy!

Olivier Lackey: Hmph! No jobs in the movie business here!

Freckled Youth: No worries! I'll just wait in the office until a job comes along.

[he WAITS on a LEATHER COUCH and FETCHES Noel Coward's PRIVATE NUMBER to show his PLUCK]

Kenneth Branagh: Hello! Though I am a celebrated Shakespearean actor, I am an astonishingly poor choice to play Olivier.

Julia Ormond: I'm worse! You won't even realize I'm playing Vivian Leigh until it's expressly stated. Hello, my boy. We know your parents. Give him a job on your movie, Larry.

Kenneth Branagh: Right-o! You are now third assistant director, sort of due to your pluck, but mostly due to nepotism. I am getting ready for a new movie, starring.....MARILYN MONROE.

Freckled Youth: Guhhhhhhhhhh.

Assistant Director of the Movie: You will be my bitch on this film! Do as I say!

Hermione Granger: I work in the costume shop and will not date you!

Freckled Youth: Please?

Hermione Granger: OK.

[they GO on a DATE and it is BORING]

Kenneth Branagh: Come to the airport to greet Marilyn.

[a MILLION flashbulbs GO OFF, BLINDING the MOVIE AUDIENCE]

Michelle Williams: Why hello! Boo-doo-dee-doop!

[she CHARMS everyone at a PRESS CONFERENCE]

Freckled Youth: She's amazing.

Michelle Williams: I am adorably damaged, like a sexy baby. Here is my acting coach. She's basically around to soothe my fears. I sure have a lot of them!

[her ACTING COACH gives her METHOD line readings at a TABLE READ, REMINDING everyone how DUMB method acting is]

Michelle Williams: I am too damaged by life to learn my lines or be punctual.

Judi Dench: I get to be nice in this movie. Everything you're doing is perfect, Marilyn. You are perfect. Let me kiss your fine, fine ass.

[Marilyn FUCKS UP a LOT and Branagh is ANNOYED]

Kenneth Branagh: What the fuck is wrong with her? Why is she always twelve hours late to everything? Go get her, freckled youth.

[he SEES her NAKED and is all "guhhhhhh" AGAIN]

Michelle Williams: I am wounded! My husband is writing a cruel character based on me. LITTLE GIRL LOST!

Arthur Miller: Blerg. I'm going back to America. You deal with her, Freckles.

Freckled Youth: And how!

[they BEGIN an INNOCENT friendship CONSISTING of CONSTANT praise on Freckles' PART]

Michelle Williams: I don't understand this character! How can I play her??

Kenneth Branagh: Darling, just be sexy! Isn't that what you do?

[she FLIPS OUT]

Michelle Williams: Everyone here hates me because they love me, but they don't really love me and they hate me. Or something. Life is so hard for Marilyn Monroooooe. I can't even go shopping.

[this is TREATED like the TRAGEDY it is]

Hermione Granger: So I guess we're not dating anymore?

Freckled Youth: Um....kind of trading up.

[he and Marilyn have a GLORIOUS day of VISITING castles and boarding schools where she LOOKS at PAINTINGS and SHAKES her ASS for the COMMON folk]

Michelle Williams: I feel so free! Let's swim naked for exactly two minutes!

[he GETS a WATER boner]

Kenneth Branagh: Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up. She's much better on set.

Acting Coach: Marilyn is wigging out again.

[she WEEPS a LOT and TAKES more PILLS and STARES FORLORNLY at THINGS]

Freckled Youth: I love you, Marilyn. I want to take care of you.

Michelle Williams: My mother was in an institution. Here is a picture of Abraham Lincoln. I pretend he is my father, cause i don't know who my father was. Also I am smart based on this copy of Ulysses on my nightstand. I AM ALL THINGS.

[she PASSES OUT]

Everyone in the Movie: She will BREAK YOUR HEART.

Freckled Youth: Everything will be fine!

Michelle Williams: I lost a baby! Maybe? Nobody will ever discuss this again!

[she WEEPS and is CATATONIC some more]

Kenneth Branagh: Well, we finished the movie. Arthur Miller is coming back to pick up his wife. Bad luck, old chap.

Freckled Youth: Maybe she still loves me? Or something?

Michelle Williams: I don't. But thanks for taking pity on me and then building up my self-esteem, though that is pretty much impossible.

[he CRIES and everyone is like "duh"]

Michelle Williams: Bye! I will kiss you, which is kind of mean.

[he and Branagh WATCH CLIPS of the movie, which LOOKS genuinely TERRIBLE]

Kenneth Branagh: Haha. She's the greatest actress ever. I hate her. What a week, right?

Freckled Youth: Week?

How Do You Know

Yes, I have loved Paul Rudd for about 15 years now. Yes, Reese Witherspoon is charming and likable and I actually liked Legally Blonde. Yes, Owen Wilson has his moments. And yes, he's Jack Nicholson.

However: this movie is so, so, so much less than the sum of its parts. But my best friend is leaving for Kenya today, and she wanted to see it, and I wasn't opposed (well, I kind of was, but Paul Rudd) so we went to the luxury cinema where you get free popcorn. Big ups to iPic at Bayshore Mall!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reese Witherspoon: I love softball! I love it more than anything and I am really good at it! But I’m not good…AT LOVE.

Paul Rudd: Hey – I got your phone number from your friend? Because you are bad at dating, maybe? But I just wanted to let you know that I have a girlfriend.

Reese Witherspoon: Uh…okay? I’m going to go out on a date with and possibly have a relationship with Owen Wilson, famously roguish pitcher.

Owen Wilson: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[they DATE but don’t actually seem to LIKE each other that much]

Cousin Larry: Oh, hey, Paul Rudd…you are being investigated by the federal government for lying about business.

Paul Rudd: What!?!?! What the FUCK kind of subplot is this?!

Jack Nicholson: I’m your father slash boss, and this is terrible. I am in this movie for some reason.

[there is a LONG-ASS SCENE about INDICTMENTS and LAW and it is LITERALLY a lesson in how NOT to write a MOVIE SCENE]

Kathryn Hahn: I am also in this movie! And I want to punch Jack Nicholson, and I almost did just now, because assistants routinely take swings at CEOs.

Paul Rudd: It’s ok. You’re pregnant. That might come up later.

Paul Rudd’s Girlfriend: So…I think we should break up, because I don’t want to be involved with you because of your federal investigation. Byeeeeeee.

Paul Rudd: What to do? I guess I will get drunk and sing a Teddy Pendergrass song about hot oils.

[he DOES, and it is ALMOST cute enough to make the rest of the movie WORTH IT, but not actually]

Paul Rudd: Hi, let’s go on a date now.

Reese Witherspoon: Uh, okay? I thought you had a girlfriend? I am just continually sort of confused in this movie?

[she gets CUT from the SOFTBALL TEAM, which is her LIFE]

Reese Witherspoon: I will stare at my mirror full of inspirational sayings and I will GET PAST THIS. Because I am STRONG. YES. Then I will go on this date.

[they DO, and do not TALK, but GAZE a lot, and Rudd is INTO IT, but Reese is NOT]

Owen Wilson: I think we should move in together, though up to this point everyone probably thought we were just fuckbuddies? Because I am a cad.

Reese Witherspoon: Okay! But I will just bring like 4 suitcases and not actually move out of my apartment, I think.

[he cleans out a SOCK DRAWER for her which proves he is NOT READY for cohabitation]

Reese Witherspoon: Let’s make this work, though clearly it is not working slash will never work!

Paul Rudd: Hey! I’m still being investigated by the feds. And I might love Reese Witherspoon? After one date? Because that is a thing that happens.

[he RUNS INTO HER in the ELEVATOR in the BUILDING that both his DAD and her BOYFRIEND live because COINCIDENCES]

Paul Rudd: OH MY GOD, HI.

Reese Witherspoon: Oh, hey. Am I still in a movie? I feel like I just wandered on set and was given lines to say. Want to come in?

[he DOES, and Owen Wilson gets JEALOUS, and Reese MOVES OUT]

Reese Witherspoon: Let me hang out at your place, platonically.

Paul Rudd: YES OKAY PLEASE.

[they get DRUNK and he GAZES at her a lot, which is a sign of LOVING]

Paul Rudd: I touched your leg.*

Me: [genuine laughter]

Reese Witherspoon: Oh, I am going back to my boyfriend now, sorry!

Paul Rudd: Of all the thoughts I had about you over the past few days, and there were millions, the one that never occurred to me was that my mind would be exaggerating about you. And it wasn’t.*

Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!

Jack Nicholson: Federal investigation! Still happening! I could go to jail. Or you could go to jail for me! Please decide.

Paul Rudd: GIVE ME A SECOND.

Owen Wilson: Come back to me, baby.

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. But: are we monogamous? Because we haven’t had that conversation, apparently, though we are living together.

Owen Wilson: Sure, baby, yeah…we are now! Bye!!! I’m going on the road! I will probably not cheat on you!

Reese Witherspoon: I’m moving out again!

Paul Rudd: With all these hijinks, you would think this movie would be more hilarious, but it really isn’t. Sorry. At least I’m dreamy.

Reese Witherspoon: Can I come hang out with you again? Platonically? Even though I know you’re in love with me?

Paul Rudd: Yes, of course! I’m just waiting to see if my friend has her baby.

[the phone RINGS]

Paul Rudd: Oh, she had it, just now. Let’s go to the hospital!

[they DO, and film the BABYDADDY proposing, but then the CAMERA isn’t ON, and they RE-DO it, and it is apparently HILARIOUS, but really just terrible and boring and awful]

Kathryn Hahn: My life is fine now because I have a baby and a fiancé!

Reese Witherspoon: I don’t think I want those things, but I don’t know! Oh, epiphanies!! Oh, and my birthday was tonight. Tomorrow, my boyfriend or whatever he is is throwing me a party.

Paul Rudd: Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Let me come to your party. Then I will declare my love for you and decide if I want to go to jail for my dad. If you love me, NO JAIL.

[there is a FANCY PARTY full of LITERAL BALLERS]

Owen Wilson: I got you this diamond watch that proves I will spend a lot of money on you. Also, I didn’t let you take your time unwrapping it, which also proves I am wrong for you.

Paul Rudd: I got you this Play-Doh and the story of how Play-Doh was invented, and how with one small adjustment, your life could be perfect. Also I let you unwrap the present at your own pace.

Reese Witherspoon: Of course! These metaphorical differences between the two men who are pursuing me prove everything! I love Paul Rudd.

[she follows him to the BUS STOP and they KISS because they are PERFECT for each other because SURE SOULMATES RIGHT FINE]

Jack Nicholson: I’m going to prison for fraud LOL

Guest Post: It's Complicated

Since I keep dropping the ball, my frequent contributor Laura McClain has picked up the slack. I even SAW this movie and was uninspired to write about it. It's...pretty dumb. But no one can resist La Streep and the Best Baldwin AND Steve Martin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the PRESENT]

Meryl Streep: I can’t believe my kids are all grown up and out of the house. As a warm earth mother/wildly successful caterer, my life is so hectic!

[she RUNS INTO her ex-husband Alec Baldwin at a PARTY]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, Meryl. You’re such a great lady. Look at you, being all 60-something and independent.

[he GRABS the ASS of his TROPHY wife]

Rita Wilson: I still can’t believe he left you for that young idiot.

Mary Kay Place: I know, right? Men are the worst.

Meryl Streep: Eh, I’m basically over it.

[they CLINK their GIANT glasses of WHITE WINE]

Meryl Streep: Aging sure is “complicated”. Plastic surgeon, do you think you can help me with my droopy eyelid?

Plastic Surgeon: Sure. We can cut your face open and staple your skin to your skull.

Meryl Streep: [RUNS AWAY]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, hello Meryl. Funny running into you in this elevator.

[he HIDES a PAMPHLET on INFERTILITY]

Meryl Streep: Ha! I can’t believe he’s going to try and have another child. Especially since our creepy, “Children of the Corn”-esque children are all in their 20s!
[they GO to NY to ATTEND the GRADUATION of one of the CREEPY KIDS]

Creepy Kid #1: Mom, we’re all going to go party tonight! Laters!

Meryl Streep: Ah, empty-nest syndrome. I will go to the bar to drown my sorrows.

Alec Baldwin: Why Meryl! What are you doing here? Let’s have wine. And scotch. And martinis. Maybe a tequila shot? Now we will dance awkwardly to this Jimmy Buffet song.

[they FUCK in his HOTEL room and it is both GROSS and extremely ENTERTAINING]

Alec Baldwin: [GRABS her VAGINA] Home sweet home!*

Meryl Streep: [BARFS in a DRAWER]

Creepy Kid #2: I’m so glad our whole family is here in New York! It’s like old times!

[the KIDS and John Krasinski, CREEPY #1’s fiancé, LOOK at each other in a NAUSEATING way]

Meryl Streep: This never happened, Alec! We’re going back to California and never speaking of this again!

Alec Baldwin: Whatever you say.

[he THRUSTS his HIPS in a GROSS/HILARIOUS manner]

Meryl Streep: Well, I’m glad that crazy weekend is over! Time to focus on building a giant addition to my house, which makes perfect sense, now that I’m the only one living here.

Steve Martin: Hello! I am your low-key, modest architect. You sure are pretty, elderly lady.

Meryl Streep: Your gentle humor is a welcome change from my blustery ex-husband! Let me make you a fancy sandwich in my catalogue kitchen.

[they EAT a MEAL that is FOOD PORN]

Alec Baldwin: Zounds! Why is this white-haired rascal sniffing around my woman?

[he LURKS outside the WINDOW, HILARIOUSLY]

Alec Baldwin: OMG, I thought he’d never leave.*

[they BONE again, and it is CUTE because they are both LESS HOT than they USED to be]

Alec Baldwin: Here, Meryl. Take this giant blunt. We will smoke it together someday.

Meryl Streep: Whatever you say, big guy.

[she WIGS out a BIT]

Meryl Streep: Friends, I must tell you! I’m sleeping with my ex! I’m a bit of a slut!*

[they all CELEBRATE and SPILL their WHITE WINE and like, DANCE around a DINING table or SOMETHING]

Alec Baldwin: Let’s bone at this hotel!

[John Krasinksi SEES them TRYSTING in the ELEVATOR in a LUDICROUS coincidence]

Meryl Streep: I will now disrobe in front of you, Alec. Please don’t comment on my age.

[he STARES at her in WONDER and then has a PANIC attack or SOMETHING]

Doctor: I have made a house call to this hotel, because that is a real thing that happens. You should start taking this embarrassing old-man medication.

Alec Baldwin: But that will reduce my sperm count! I mean….

Meryl Streep: Yes….I prefer a lot of semen.*

[they WATCH Oprah, like the OLD FARTS they are]

Steve Martin: Hello, Meryl! I have the new plans for your ridiculously huge home addition. Now you can see the ocean from your window. The ocean that is blue like your glorious eyes.

Meryl Streep: Would you like to go to my son’s graduation party with me tomorrow?

Steve Martin: Yahooo!

Alec Baldwin: Can I come over tonight and fuuuuuuck? You can make me my favorite dinner.

Meryl Streep: I cannot resist you and your gravelly voice.

[she MAKES the DINNER but he DOES not SHOW]

Meryl Streep: Pish. I can’t believe I waited around for him! I will smoke this giant blunt to feel better about my life.

Steve Martin: Here I am, ready to pick you up for our date.

Meryl Streep: [eating GIANT piece of CAKE] Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!

[they GO to the PARTY and SMOKE the GIANT blunt and it is TRULY hilarious]

Steve Martin: [various STONER things]

John Krasinski: I can’t believe you’re smoking pot!

Steve Martin: Want some?

John Krasinski: Hell yeah!

Alec Baldwin: I feel left out! You were supposed to smoke the blunt with ME!

Meryl Streep: Here you go!

[they are all HIGH and HILARIOUS and Alec Baldwin’s TROPHY WIFE can see that he still LOVES Meryl]

Steve Martin: Let’s eat some more food! Still high!

[they MAKE croissants and MAKE OUT and it is SQUICKY because I am IMMATURE]

Alec Baldwin: My wife kicked me out. Can I stay with you?

[he WEEPS]

Creepy Child #3: Oh Daddy, of course you can! Let’s all stay here, at Mom’s house! You too, Krasinski!

[they DO and Baldwin TRIES to SEDUCE Meryl in with their KIDS in the other ROOM which is a CLASSY move]

Alec Baldwin: I will get naked in front of this computer! I’m sure Meryl is not Skypeing with the architect! If Diane Keaton movies have taught me anything, it is that old people do not understand technology!

[she IS and Martin SEES his DICK and is subsequently HEARTBROKEN]

Creepsters: You and Daddy are having an affair?

Meryl Streep: Yes, but we’re not getting back together!

[they RUN AWAY]

Meryl Streep: What have I done?!?!

John Krasinksi: Come see your children. They need you!

My Friend Sean: Get your own family, Krasinski.*

[there is WEEPING and a GROUP HUG]

Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry I messed everything up. I still love you.

Meryl Streep: It is too “complicated”.

[she GOES to her MANSION, all ALONE]

Steve Martin: Hey, I’m back. Want to make some croissants? This is not a euphemism.

[PRESUMABLY they FALL in LOVE and HOPEFULLY get HIGH some MORE]

[it is PRETEND NEW YORK]
Carrie: We're baaaaaaaaaaaaack! And wearing crazier dresses than ever.
Charlotte: OMG A WEDDING I LIVE FOR WEDDINGS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE GAY WEDDINGS.
Samantha: I just hope there's a straight man there I can bone in the bathroom.
Miranda: Oh look: there is. WHAT A SURPRISE.
[they are all EXACTLY THE SAME except more PARODY-LIKE]
Liza Minnelli: How gay is this gay wedding? Gay enough that I am both officiating it, and performing "All the Single Ladies." So: very gay.
Big: Do we haaaaaaaaaave to go out tonight? I just want to hang out on the couch. Look! I even bought us a sweet TV!
Carrie: Nooooo we can't turn boring!! Though our lives are literally made of fantasy!!
[she puts on a SHINY JUMPSUIT]
Samantha: Hold on, I'm putting cream on my vag. Okay, what? Smith Jerrod is on the phone? And he is still very attractive? And he wants me to be his publicist again? Super!
[they go to a MOVIE PREMIERE and Miley Cyrus is there for SOME REASON]
Miranda: By the way, I hate my job, so I quit it. I guess we're not really dealing with my issues in this movie? Whatevs, as long as my hair looks cute, which it does.
Carrie: Mine does too, mostly! I'm gonna go to my old apartment, which I still own for some reason, and write for a few days.
Big: Dang, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let's bone.
[presumably, they DO, but she keeps her BRA on]
Samantha: Guess what, ladies! I just randomly got us a trip to Aaaaaaabu Dhaaaaaaaaaabi! I don't even know how I did it! I think it was my creamed-up vag, though.
Charlotte: But I have responsibilities! I need to make cupcakes while holding my child and talking on the phone and wearing vintage Valentino! THESE THINGS CANNOT WAIT.
[they BULLY her into agreeing to go]
Carrie: So off we went, halfway around the world, with 85 dresses each, and plenty of preconceived notions about the middle east. We were ready. Oh, and girls? Big and I think we might take a few days off from each other a week.
Charlotte: BUT THAT IS UNORTHODOX AND MEANS YOU DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER AND THE ONLY DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE I SUBSCRIBE TO IS THE NORMAL ONE
Carrie's Butler, because they each get a butler: I am from India and only see my wife occasionally. And we're okay.
Carrie: See? These third-world people do things differently! And they're fine. I mean, weird, but fine. Look! That girl is wearing a burqa AND eating french fries!
Charlotte: But I miss my family!!
Carrie: This is an inter-French-ion!** You have to stop thinking about your family for a second!
Charlotte: BUT I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS KIDS AND NOW HAS THEM AND LOVES THEM BUT IT'S SO HARD EVEN THOUGH I AM CRAZY RICH AND HAVE A HOT NANNY!!
Samantha: Come on, let's ride camels in Aaaaaaaaaaaaabu Dhaaaaaaaaaaaaabi! It'll be funny because we're white!
Miranda: And it will allow me to use this pun I just thought of: inter-fun-tion! It's like an intervention, but FUN! GET IT?!
[Charlotte FALLS OFF the camel and it is NOT EVEN AMUSING]
Samantha: Oh, look. A man. I would like to have sex with him.
Carrie: Lawrence of Arabia?
Samantha: More like Lawrence of my labia.*
[she BONES him in PUBLIC and gets ARRESTED, but not before:]
Carrie: Ooh, look! Shoes! I love those! It is one of my main character traits! I'm going to buy some, but first I'll put down these spices I bought before.
[she SETS the SPICES DOWN and you KNOW something BAD is going to happen LATER]
Aidan: Oh! Hey! We used to date! And now I'm extremely attractive! And somehow in a spice market in Abu Dhabi! Let's have dinner!
[they DO, and they KISS, and she tells BIG and he is KINDA MAD, she THINKS]
Carrie: Oh god! I'm having a mid-wife crisis!
Miranda: Wait...is that like...a mid-life crisis except you're a wife? Or a crisis involving a midwife? Because it really sounds like the latter, and that...doesn't make sense.
Carrie: SHUT UP, I'M PUNNING.
Miranda: We have kids! So we're getting drunk while we're here!
Charlotte: Wooooooooooo Mommy's drunk!!!!
Samantha: I got arrested for being extremely disrespectful of the culture in this country...bail me out?
[they do, and their FREE TRIP gets CANCELLED so they have to PACK real FAST]
Charlotte: Oh my god! I'm so rich I don't know how to pack!!
Samantha: Just put it in your suitcase! God!
[they try to go to the AIRPORT and she wears SHORTS, which is like, a DICK MOVE]
Some Men: Those women are disrespecting us! Follow them!
Carrie: My passport is missing! It must be with those Foreshadowing Spices from before!
[they go BACK to the market and the passport is STILL THERE, which is BASICALLY IMPOSSIBLE]
Some Men: Get back here! We have different values about women's bodies and your shorts are offending us!
A Girl in a Burqa: Come with me.
[they go into a BACK ROOM and all the women in BURQAS are wearing DESIGNER CLOTHES underneath and it is RETARDED]
Carrie: Wow! I guess we're all exactly the same in the world! Retarded! Let's ignore our significant cultural differences instead of trying to work through them.
Everyone: Yay!
[they FLY home in their PRINCESS CLASS SEATS]
Big: Oh, hey. Are we cool? I traded the sweet TV for some jewelry.
Carrie: Ladies be loving jewelry!
Miranda: I got a new job where my meetings are outside! I'm so happy!
Charlotte: I like being a mom again! But sometimes I need a break!
Samantha: I still like boning!
Everyone: We haven't changed! Don't you feel secure?
The Audience: No, it's kind of weird that you haven't changed, actually.

*I really thought she said "inter-French-ion," referring to the girl with the French fries? But the internet says it was "inter-friend-tion, which honestly makes even less sense to me, because who else but your friends would stage an intervention anyway? Isn't that the whole point of an intervention? "We love you, and we don't want you ruining your life with booze/meth/buying too many vintage dresses"? Ugh, whatever.

When in Rome (2010)

I went to LA last week on a secret mission having to do with a show that rhymes with Budge Budy, which meant I got to fly from New York to Chicago and Chicago to LA. It's been a long time since I flew with a connection - not because I'm not cheap (I am) or because I'm fancy (I am not), but because a) the only place I ever fly is home and b) I almost exclusively fly home on the airline based out of my hometown of Milwaukee, so direct flights are cheap(ish). Anyway, I haven't been on a flight long enough to warrant a movie in a while, either, and on the way there it was Extraordinary Measures, which for ONE SECOND I considered watching for blog purposes, but then decided to fall asleep in an ill-advised position instead.

But I noticed that on the way back it would be this movie, and guys, I was actually looking forward to it! Veronica Mars! Will Arnett! Mr. Fergie! My boyfriend, Bobby Moynihan! And honestly? I would totally not be sad to watch this again. It has a weirdly strong supporting cast, and K. Bell is cute, and Duhamel is charming, and hey! Angelica Huston! That said, it is completely formulaic and has no surprises, except that Don Johnson is in it. OOPS SORRY SPOILER ALERT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is NOT ACTUALLY ROME]
Kristen Bell: Listen up, team. I am a VERY SERIOUS art curator at the Guggenheim, which we all know is VERY FANCY AND SERIOUS, and you can tell by my tight ponytail that I am not kidding around about my job.Now, let's event the shit out of this museum.
Her Quirky Assistant: Um...your ex is here.
Her Gay Friend: The one who dumped you in a horrible way!
Her Fat Friend: Let's all remind you of how he dumped you!
Kristen Bell: Guys, I am over him, okay? He is dead to me. I am all about work and being awesome at my job. He can suck a --
Lee Pace: Hello. I'm your ex. Did you miss my dreamyness?
Kristen Bell: Swoon! I did!
Lee Pace: Well, take one last look, because I'm engaged to someone else now! YA BURNT!
Kristen Bell: Oh, the humiliation! This encounter has spurred my determination to find love, though I am hard-nosed and work-centric!
Don Johnson: You really are, my daughter. I am in this movie. What?!!
Her Sister: Oh, btw, I'm getting married! In Rome! To a dude I just met! I am your polar opposite!
Kristen Bell: What the fuuuuuuu--I will just focus more on work!
Angelica Huston: Okay, we have another fundraiser coming up, a fundraiser headed by our youngest, least experienced curator that will determine the COURSE OF HER ENTIRE CAREER.
Kristen Bell: Gulp. Also, I need a couple days off to go to my little sister's wedding.
Angelica Huston: Because I am a dire warning of what you may become if you focus solely on your career, I don't understand families, or love, but fine. Go.
[she DOES, and it is ITALIAN and WHIMSICAL]
Italian Family Member: It's-a time-a for a tradizione where the maid of honor smashes a vase into pieces to symbolize how many years of happiness the bride and-a groom will have!
Kristen Bell: Sweet! Time for me to get slapsticky, y'all!
[she TRIES to break the VASE, but FAILS]
Josh Duhamel: Pardon me. Let me assist you. My handsomeness makes me very good at breaking vases.
[they GAZE at each other so you can tell that they are MEANT FOR EACH OTHER]
Kristen Bell: Perhaps love isn't so hard to find! Perhaps I can find a man, though I love my job! Perhaps --
[she sees him SMOOCHING a HOT BRUNETTE]
Kristen Bell: Nooooo! The guy I just met like an hour ago is kissing someone else!! My life is over! I'm going to get drunk and get in the fountain that is like the Trevi Fountain, but is not actually the Trevi Fountain!
[she DOES, and picks up some COINS that LOVESICK PEOPLE have thrown in there]
Kristen Bell: Thass right. I'ma save you from love. You're all shtupid. And you're all men, which, statistically, doesn't make sense, but we can't have any weird lesbian shit going on, right?
[she goes back to NEW YORK, where SOMEHOW all the coin-throwers ALSO LIVE because that is SUPER-PROBABLE]
Dax Shepherd: Hi. I'm your real boyfriend. Does anyone know me from anything except being your real boyfriend? Are we even dating anymore? I'm so tall, and you're so tiny. Anyway, I'm in love with you.
Napoleon Dynamite: God, stop calling me Napoleon Dynamite! That movie was like six years ago. Now I'm a Criss Angel/David Blaine mashup who's in love with you.
Will Arnett: And I'm-a an Italian-a stereotype-a! Come back, bella!
Danny Devito: I'm a sausage magnate. That's not, like, a euphemism, I am like the Abe Froman of this movie. I am also in love with you.
Kristen Bell: Why do all these men love me?!?!
Her Sister: It's the magic of the fountain! You picked up their coins and now they all love you! You have to put the coins back in the fountain!
Kristen Bell: Oh, so I can just mail them to you, since you're in Italy!
Her Sister's Italian Husband: No! That is not enough obstacles! And will cause the hijinks to end earlier! She must put them in the fountain herself! She must come to Italy! MORE HIJINKS!!
Kristen Bell: I DON'T HAVE TIME BECAUSE I AM BUSY WITH WORK BECAUSE I LOVE WORK AND I HATE LOVE.
Josh Duhamel: But now I'm here. I wasn't into that brunette earlier. I'm into you.
Kristen Bell: Oh. Well. You're very charming.
[there is a CHARM MONTAGE, and Josh Duhamel RUNS INTO something]
Josh Duhamel: That's a running gag, because I got hit by lightning one time! I'm kind of famous for it. That will come into play later, DO NOT DOUBT IT.
[some HIJINKS occur]
Bobby Moynihan: Hijinks! My favorite!
Josh Duhamel: Let's go to a pitch-black restaurant. It's so New York!!
Kristen Schaal: I'm a weird server! I always play weird people! Yay!! Individuality!
Kristen Bell: Oh shit! I think this guy likes me because of the Fountain Spell! I will sabotage this relationship too!!
[meanwhile, she is being CHASED by the SUITORS and her WORK is possibly being THREATENED]
Her Sister's Italian Husband: Oh wait, you can just give the coins back to the guys they belong to and then they won't love you anymore.
Her Quirky Assistant: Sorry, boss, I'm going to help you somehow by taking the coins and not letting you return them yet. I'm not really sure why this is a good plan.
[there is a GAG with a TINY CAR and everyone ends up at the GUGGENHEIM]
Josh Duhamel: I love her! I must run! In the rain! And the lightning! Which is especially scary because of how I once got hit by lightning!!
Kristen Bell: Everyone take your damn coins back!
[she gives them ALL their coins and the LOVE SPELL is reversed]
Josh Duhamel: Dude, this is not my poker chip, I told you, I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU.
Kristen Bell: Oh! Sweet! Let's get married!
[they DO, in SIX MONTHS]
Napoleon Dynamite: Wait! I think I have the poker chip of your soon-to-be husband!!
Kristen Bell: Oh no! The last six months...were a lie!!!!
[there is a LOVE CRISIS, but K. Bell learns a LESSON]
Josh Duhamel: YO I TOLD YOU THIS IS NOT A SPELL, I DID NOT THROW A COIN IN THAT FOUNTAIN. The priest won a bunch of poker chips from me, so he is the one who was in love with you. And now it's reversed! Let's get married!!
Everyone: Yayyyy!!

Spring Breakdown

Obviously, I had very high hopes for this, based on the three leading ladies alone, and then when supporting actor after supporting actor was AWESOME, I was even more excited. It was fine - definitely worth seeing if you have Netflix Instant Watch and a lazy Sunday, and you're a fan of anyone in it (Missy Pyle is particularly great, I thought).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 1992]
Amy Poehler: My brocade vest says that I am a nerd.
Parker Posey: As does my granny shawl.
Rachel Dratch: Come, my friends, let us enter the senior talent show and sing "True Colors" with bongos.
[they DO, and are BOOED off the stage]
Parker Posey: Once we graduate, we're gonna be awesome!!
[it is 15 years LATER, and they are NOT AWESOME]
Amy Poehler: I train dogs for a living, but can't get a date, though I am super-cute and Hollywood likes to pretend I'm ugly!
Rachel Dratch: I'm getting married to a man who wears no less than two polos at a time!
Seth Meyers: That's me, bokayyyyyyyy!!
[he BLOWS their POOLBOY]
Rachel Dratch: Oh no! He's gay!
Parker Posey: Oh no! My cat died! This make-your-own-pizza party is in honor of my dead cat.
[they have a SORT-OF-PATHETIC little party]
Jane Lynch: That's right, I'm a senator, and I'm from Texas, and I love big guns and big hair! And I need someone to go make sure my daughter doesn't get too wiiiiiiiiiiild on Spring Break! You! Mousy girl! You look young enough, sort of. Git down to South Padre and make me proud!
Parker Posey: I will do it!!
Amber Tamblyn: My mom, the senator, thinks I'm a partier, but I am actually a medieval faire nerd! I will prove her wrong by going crazy on Spring Break!
[EVERYONE goes to South Padre and HIJINKS occur]
Parker Posey: I'm friends with the senator's daughter, because we're all nerds!
Amy Poehler: I'm friends with the sorority girls and like dressing crazy now!
Rachel Dratch: I'm sooooooooo druuuuuuunkkkkk! Whose shoe is this?*
Amy Poehler: That's your shoe.*
Rachel Dratch: That's bullshit.*
Missy Pyle: I am also in this movie and it is way not fair that I can be this hot AND this funny! But I am, suckerrrrsssss!!
[more HIJINKS occur, culminating in, obviously, A TALENT SHOW]
Parker Posey: I learned to stand up for myself!
Amy Poehler: I learned that I shouldn't have deserted my friends!
Rachel Dratch: I learned that my fiance was gay! Well, I kind of learned that earlier, but now I really know.
[they sing some WILSON PHILIPS and tell the crowd to GO FUCK THEMSELVES because they are AWESOME ANYWAYS]

Guest Post: Her Married Lover

Lord knows we love a made-for- television movie up in this blog. Such fodder. We had not one, but TWO Lifetime movie weeks! Remember those days, guys? Good times. Laura McClain wants to take us back there. Hit it.
(Also, this movie is apparently called A Clean Kill in some places? And it's very popular in Australia? Whatever.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
Pretty Brunette: A woman is dead! Her car is at the bottom of the ravine!
Surly Cop: So you want to report a vehicular accident?
Pretty Brunette: No….a MURDER.*
Surly Cop: Okay. Walk along that yellow line through those doors. The line is symbolic or something.
[she and her PEASANT DRESS and PLATFORM SNEAKERS walk slowly down a HALLWAY as many RANDOM establishing shots of HISPANIC people are SHOWN]
Rotund Detective: So, tell me about this dead lady. Who killed her?
Pretty Brunette: Her husband….we were lovers.
Rotund Detective: Okay. What’s his name?
Pretty Brunette: Richard Mannhart.
Rotund Detective: Man heart? REALLY? That’s the best name the screenwriters could come up with?
Pretty Brunette: It’s symbolic!
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Pretty Brunette Voiceover: I stopped at a convenience store late one night to pick up some things…
[she WALKS around the STORE looking TERRIFIED for NO REASON]
Patrick Dempsey’s Nerd Friend from Can’t Buy Me Love: This is a stick-up!
Pretty Brunette: Gasp!
[a man GRABS her from BEHIND and COVERS her MOUTH with his LEATHER-GLOVED hand while CARESSING her LADY BITS with his OTHER, UN-GLOVED hand]
Mysterious Stranger: Shhhhhh….don’t make a sound.
Convenience-Store Clerk: [SHOOTS criminal]
Pretty Brunette: But…where did the leather-gloved man go? He saved my life! Also, that caressing was hot.
[she CLEANS her HOUSE while LISTENING to the RADIO]
Radio Announcer: That was Richard Mannhart, acclaimed mystery writer.
Pretty Brunette: That voice! THAT VOICE! It’s leather-glove man!
[she FINDS him TEACHING at a COMMUNITY COLLEGE]
Pretty Brunette: Why did you run from the convenience store?
Mysterious Stranger, aka Man-Heart: I think you have me mistaken for someone else.
[he PULLS on a LEATHER GLOVE so you KNOW it's him, as ONLY HE owns LEATHER GLOVES]
[MEANWHILE, back in the PRESENT]
Some Cops: Your wife’s in pretty bad shape Mr. Mannhart. You’d better come with us.
Man-Heart: Why? I will act suspiciously at my book-signing!
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Pretty Brunette: I will go to work editing a movie with a very sinister child in it.
Man-Heart: [SNEAKS up BEHIND her and HUMPS her while WEARING a GLOVE again]
Pretty Brunette: So erotic!
[she GOES back to his CLASS and she CREEPILY takes his PHOTO, and they have a SEXY ENCOUNTER on a ROOF]
Pretty Brunette: So then we started having an affair…it was sexy yet sinister.
Rotund Detective: [LOOKS at her IMPASSIVELY]
[there are MONTAGES of them having SEX on VARIOUS surfaces, though she ALWAYS wakes up ALONE and FULLY CLOTHED, including SHOES]
Man-Heart: I love you so much, baby.
Pretty Brunette: I love you too! I’m tired of sharing you with her - get a divorce!
[they GO to a PARK, where all INTENSE CONVOS occur]
Man-Heart: I’m divorcing her! Take this enormous chintzy ring as proof that I will marry you!
Pretty Brunette: Hooray! Let’s celebrate this occasion by taking pictures in that photo booth!
[they DO and then BONE on a ROCK in like a CAVE or something]
[MEANWHILE, back in the PRESENT]
Nurse: Your wife is in a coma. She’s probably going to die.
Some Cops: So tell us about your mistress. She gave us a lot of private info about you!
Man-Heart: She was just my stuuuuudent! I don’t know how she knows about me! I will
continue to seem suspicious!
[his WIFE dies]
Pretty Brunette: So we were going to get married…but he never showed up to meet my friend who looked like Katie Couric. So I called him to bitch him out.
[she wears a TIERED TEA-LENGTH wedding dress, which is possible PROOF of her CRAZY]
Pretty Brunette: Where are you? You’re supposed to love me!
Man-Heart: I don’t even know who you are! You’re just my stuuuuudent!
Pretty Brunette: Why are you denying me? Is it because your bitch wife is right there?
Rotund Detective: Why didn’t you end it with him?
Pretty Brunette: He was too irresistible!
[he is NOT]
Man-Heart: I’m sorry I didn’t come by, baby…but look! I wrote out our whole affair in my new novel. My writer’s block is cured! It also details how I will kill my wife to take her money and be with you!
Pretty Brunette: Gasp! You cannot do this!
[she READS his TERRIBLE-LOOKING manuscript]
Pretty Brunette: I have to talk to you after class, which I am still taking for some reason!
Man-Heart: YOU’RE JUST MY STUUUUUDENT! STOP STALKING ME!
Pretty Brunette: What is WRONG with you???
[she GOES to tell his WIFE that he is going to KILL her but the WIFE is BITCHY and
DISMISSIVE]
Pretty Brunette: I will stalk her to save her life!
[she FOLLOWS his wife in a CAR and totally RUNS her OFF the ROAD while trying to SAVE her, though it is INDICATED that the BRAKES were CUT]
Rotund Detective: Okay. I need some proof that you were his lover to book him. Literally nobody ever saw you together.
Pretty Brunette: I have proof!
[she HANDS him the PHOTO BOOTH pictures]
My Friend Dawn: Well, this is Lifetime….the bitch can’t be crazy. They always side with the chick in these movies.
Rotund Detective: Okay. Thanks. I’m going to get a nice lady cop to take you into another room.
[they WALK her DOWN a HALLWAY past Man-Heart, and she SUDDENLY has a SERIOUS case of the CRAZY EYES]
Rotund Detective: Sorry, Mr. Mannhart. This time...the bitch IS crazy.
[he GIVES him the PHOTO BOOTH pictures, which show her in a Donna Martin hat POSING with his PHOTO and it’s PRETTY CREEPY]

The Ugly Truth

Most romantic comedies I can deal with. Some are actually cute and inoffensive and make you want to be adorable all day long. Some are maddeningly stupid, but have funny parts and a likable cast and you're like "fine, whatever." But some...some are so cliche-ridden and so offensive to basically every sensibility I have AND also promote horrible, horrible societal expectations (see last line) that the people responsible should be taken out and shot. Heigl, I may have enjoyed you in 27 Dresses, but you have lost me forever with this one, girl. Butler, I will still fuck you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is SACRAMENTO]
Katherine Heigl: I'm gonna turn this sagging news program around with my career-woman brazenness! I enjoy checklists and stress!
Her Associate Producer: Girl, you need to get some. Maybe you should go on a heavily built-up internet date! Those never fail miserably!
Katherine Heigl: You're right! I'll just print out his profile and background check and bring them on the date, since I am an overachiever Type A sort of gal.
Kevin Connolly: Um...ya crazy. I'll have bottled water.
Katherine Heigl: You know, bottled water is a waste of money.
Kevin Connolly: I already said YA CRAZY. Bye.
[she goes home and is SAD because LADIES who FAIL at LOVE are SAD]
Gerard Butler (on TV): Ladies! You want to get a man? Get skinny! Get big boobs! Get blonde hair!
Katherine Heigl: Though I am/have all those things, I am outraged at this rampant sexism! I'll show him!!
[she CALLS him and they FIGHT through the PHONE in which she lists her PERFECT MAN TRAITS]
Her Boss: Guess what! I hired that sexist guy to be a commentator on our show!
Katherine Heigl: It's my show!! I am the lady in charge! Look how independent I am!!
Gerard Butler: I'd hit it.
[he makes a NUMBER of COMMENTS that in REAL LIFE would get him SUED or FIRED or PUNCHED in the NECK and/or BALLS]
Katherine Heigl: He gets my goat! I'll take him down!
[she does NOT, but rather gets STUCK in a TREE and is SAVED by her HOT NEIGHBOR]
Katherine Heigl: Oh! He's so hot! But I'm so obviously crazy!
Gerard Butler: You really are. But guess what! I can teach you how to get a man...like a man would! Because I'm a man, and you're a woman, and never the twain shall meet. Or something. Nice tits.
Katherine Heigl: Though I have no real reason to agree to this, I will do what you say to win my hot neighbor.
[many SHENANIGANS occur, one involving VIBRATING PANTIES and a REMOTE CONTROL that could have been EASILY AVOIDED by, HELLO, going to the bathroom and TAKING THEM OFF]
Gerard Butler: She is a piece of work, but goddamnit, I think I love her.
Katherine Heigl: I love my hot neighbor! But also I am starting to warm to this fellow I heretofore hated. I must be the first person in all of romantic comedy** history to do such a thing!
[they dance the SAMBA and then KISS and it is MODERATELY HOT but then the HOT NEIGHBOR shows up and RUINS the MOMENT]
Katherine Heigl: Why do you even like me? Here, let me take out my extensions I got earlier to show you how you don't know me. Also, I'm a control freak.
Hot Neighbor: Uh...okay?
Gerard Butler: I'm out. But not to a different city. Just to a different station. Because I have to help raise my nephew, who is merely a device to show how I have feelings, even though I may not seem like I do.
Katherine Heigl: Feelings! Swoon! And he ordered tap water! That means we're perfect for each other!! Lady things!!
Gerard Butler: No, get lost - I don't want to get hurt. My chauvinist tendencies can be explained away by the One That Got Away! Hear that, ladies - I'm sensitive!
[they are SEPARATED and it is NOT THAT SAD because they are both REALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE]
Katherine Heigl: That's it! I'm confronting him! At a hot-air balloon rally!!
[obviously, they end up in a HOT-AIR BALLOON together and HASH IT OUT and end up TOTALLY MAKING OUT on-camera]
Gerard Butler: You have tamed this wild beast!
Katherine Heigl: And I'm still totally crazy!
[they BONE and it is ODDLY UNSATISFYING]
Katherine Heigl: [amorous noises]
Gerard Butler: Am I really that good? Or are you faking?*
Katherine Heigl: You'll never know.* Because we live in a society where women are expected to please their man and make sure he doesn't feel "unconfident" by pretending to have a good time in the sack, even if they are bored. And I'm...empowered by the fact that I'm super-good at faking orgasms? Yeah! Maybe. What?

I HATE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH YOU GUYS

**loosely used term, that.

Woman on Top

[it is BRAZIL]
Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a very beautiful girl who was good at cooking. Unfortunately, she had really bad motion sickness, a motion sickness so great that she always had to be on top when she had sex. Then, her husband cheated on her because of this.
Hot Husband: I am a man!! I need to dominate you... sometimes!!
Penelope Cruz: Maldito!! I cannot stay here with this man who does not respect me. I will go to San Francisco, where the men are real men.
[she moves in with her DRAG QUEEN BFF]
Drag Queen BFF: Girl, you can get a job in any restaurant!!
[she CANNOT, because her cooking is FROM THE HEART and it CONFUSES people]
Penelope Cruz: What shall I do? I will cook to forget him!!
Drag Queen BFF: No, girl, you need to do a magic spell! With a mermaid and shit!
[they do some sort of CEREMONY involving a MAGIC MERMAID]
Penelope Cruz: I am now cured of his love. I can focus on my cooking.
[she makes COFFEE, which results in BAD CGI AROMAS wafting about, drawing ALL THE MEN to her]
Penelope Cruz: Ay! I thought you San Francisco men would not bother me!
Good Morning Miami Guy: We are not all gay! Some of us like hot Brazilian women! Listen, I have an idea. Come to the TV station where I work and talk to my boss with me.
[she LITERALLY has a TV show the NEXT DAY]
Drag Queen BFF: Yes, child!! I will be your wacky sidekick.
[everyone LOVES the show because Penelope Cruz is MAD HOT...just like the PEPPERS she uses! heyyyyoooo]
Hot Husband: I must find my wife!!
[he BURSTS into the TV studio with a FUCKING BAND and starts SERENADING her on LIVE TV, because TV studios never have SECURITY or even anyone PAYING ATTENTION enough to stop the FIVE-PIECE COMBO sneaking on set]
Penelope Cruz: Go away! I do not love you no more.
Hot Husband: I will win you with my good looks, silken voice, and South American heat.
Good Morning Miami: So...the station director wants your ex-husband to be on the show permanently. That should cause some shenanigans.
[there is, INEVITABLY, a FOOD FIGHT]
Good Morning Miami: So do you want to go on a date with me?
Penelope Cruz: Okay! Even if it's to make my ex-husband jealous!!
[they go on a DATE but it is BORING]
Good Morning Miami: Oh well, it's okay because guess what!! The network wants to maybe pick up the show!
The Network: Change everything! She's too ethnic, and the lights are too low, and she has a fucking drag queen as a sidekick.
Penelope Cruz: If we must make changes, I do not want this anymore! I just want to love my husband again, because the love of food and the love of a man are all any woman needs in life!!
[she CANNOT love him because of the SPELL the MAGIC MERMAID cast or something]
Penelope Cruz: I will cook the mermaid another offering! But I cannot cook anymore! Kraft Mac and Cheese, save my marriage!!
Magic Mermaid: Kraft? Fuck you.
[Penelope Cruz ALMOST DROWNS, which proves that you DON'T FUCK WITH A MERMAID]
Drag Queen BFF: Oh wait, your husband is back.
Penelope Cruz: Though literally nothing about our relationship has changed, and we haven't really discussed our whole sexual issue thing, I love you again, so that's enough. Let's cook together.
Drag Queen BFF: Do you want to be my boyfriend?
Good Morning Miami: Um...okay!
[they DANCE]

P.S. I Love You

[it is CHINATOWN]
Hilary Swank: What are we doing with our lives? We live in Chinatown and have no kids and you keep rubbing it in my face with your hot Irish accent and brooding good looks!!
Gerard Butler: Ah, love, don't be frettin' about our lives - 'twill all come 'round! Ya just got ta stop buyin' them designer shoes!!
[she HURLS a variety of SHIT at him, BREAKING his SUSPENDERS]
Gerard Butler: Let's solve our problems by having amazing makeup sex.
[they DO]
Hilary Swank: Being married to you is awesome!!
[he DIES]
[no, seriously, he DIES, like, during the CREDIT SEQUENCE]
[it's REALLY WEIRD]
Kathy Bates: Thanks for coming to my bar for the Irish wake of my good-for-nothing son-in-law. Let's all have a shot of Jameson and I'll stop complaining about him, since he's dead.
Harry Connick Jr.: How did he die?*
Hilary Swank: Brain tumor.*
Harry Connick Jr.: NICE!* Uh, sorry, I have a condition that makes me rude. It's never really established if this is a real condition. Just go with it, I'm attractive.
Gina Gershon: Don't worry, your comic sidekick friends are here! We're too wacky to just be one sidekick! So there are two of us. Also, I am married to Spike from Buffy, I think.
Lisa Kudrow: We're so sorry your husband is dead! I'm still going to cruise this funeral, though, since I am a hilariously desperate single girl.
Hilary Swank: Thanks, friends. Now I will retreat into my apartment.
[she MOPES around for like THREE WEEKS because HELLO her husband just DIED]
Kathy Bates: Stop being depressed! He's dead, get over it. Also, happy birthday.
Nellie McKay: I'm your sister!
[a CAKE arrives from BEYOND THE GRAVE]
Gerard Butler [on tape]: Hello. Since I am dying, I have written you a series of letters and arranged a series of adventures for you, all designed specifically to make you remember our relationship in bits and pieces. It'll be fun, I promise.
Hilary Swank: You rascal!! You dead, dead rascal!
[she goes KARAOKEING because her dead husband told her to]
Hilary Swank: I remember the time we karaoked...sigh. Now you're dead.
Harry Connick Jr.: So...are we gonna get together or what?
Hilary Swank: Dead husband, remember? Totally hung up on him? Duh. But please keep hanging around pestering me until I finally give in, since persistence is the #1 trait in romance movies that women look for in a man.
[she and her GIRLS go to IRELAND, a trip her DEAD HUSBAND arranged]
Gina Gershon: He left me a letter!
Lisa Kudrow: Me too!
[it is actually KIND OF SWEET]
Hilary Swank: Well, let's go to the bar he said to go to.
[they see Jeffrey Dean Morgan and are all like DAMN HE FINE]
Gina Gershon: It's time for you to bone someone.
Lisa Kudrow: As your BFFs, it is our responsibility to get you laid. This is pretty true to life, actually.
[Jeffrey Dean Morgan plays a SONG that reminds her of her DEAD HUSBAND and she RUNS AWAY, thus negating the possibility of HOT BONING]
Lisa Kudrow: Aw crap!
[they go FISHING and FLAIL ABOUT because they are CITY CHICKS and lose their OARS and are STUCK in the LAKE]
Gina Gershon: Well, as long as we're sitting here: I'm pregnant.
Lisa Kudrow: And I'm getting married!
Hilary Swank: And my husband is dead. Thanks, you bitches.
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Hi. I just happen to be the lake...supervisor. I, uh, work on the lake. Or something.
Gina Gershon and Lisa Kudrow: Heeeeeeeyyyyyyy!
[they get him back to their RENTAL HOUSE and HOPE for the BEST]
Hilary Swank: Look, I really like you, but kissing you...it's like trying on a pair of shoes that are really cute, but just don't fit.*
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Why not go barefoot a while?*
Hilary Swank: That metaphor...doesn't make sense. Oh well, let's fuck anyway.
[they DO, offscreen, because this movie is CLASSY]
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Oh, by the way, I'm your dead husband's childhood BFF.
Hilary Swank: Whaaaaaaaaa? I must visit his parents now for this trip to be complete.
[they give her ANOTHER LETTER and she reads it in his FORT and WEEPS]
Gerard Butler: I remember when I met you, and you were quirky, and I loved you immediately, because that happens in the movies, and maybe also in Ireland, and I tried to trick you into kissing me by claiming a dog was a Wild Irish Dog, which when you think about it is pretty cute. P.S. I love you.
[she goes HOME, SAFE in the KNOWLEDGE that he LOVED her but still HUNG UP]
Hilary Swank: I know! I'll become a shoe designer!! Shoes solve all the world's problems.
[she NEGLECTS her friends and family to COBBLE all day long]
Lisa Kudrow: Bitch, I'm getting married and you're off fucking cobbling? What the fuck?!
Hilary Swank: Sorry. I made you some shoes as an apology.
Lisa Kudrow: All is forgiven! Ladies love shoes!!
Kathy Bates: I have the last letter for you. Oh, and even though I hated him, I still agreed to mail all the letters for him. Seriously, though, this one is the last one. Everyone dies alone. But in that, we're together.*
Harry Connick Jr.: Let's go to Yankee Stadium for some reason, since my uncle has access to it all the time.
Hilary Swank: I got a letter from my dead husband that says to stop being hung up on him, so now I'm not anymore. Wanna kiss now?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Okay!!
[they DO, and it is NOT HOT]
Harry Connick, Jr.: That was like kissing my sister! I guess we will just be friends, even after all that build-up. Hollywood, suck on that!
Hilary Swank: Wait, so I end up alone?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Well...no one wants to end up alone, because that is the worst thing ever. Maybe you and your mom can go to Ireland and presumably both find hot Irishmen!
Hilary Swank: Okay!!
[a JIG plays]