Horror of the Zombies

This is another selection from the Drive-In Classics 50-pack I got. Every one is a gem!! This movie was originally in Spanish, titled El Buque Maldito (The Damned Ship), and on my DVD it was listed as Horror of the Zombies, but the alternate titles on imdb.com include:
- Das Geisterschiff der schwimmenden Leichen (The Ghost Ship of Swimming Corpses - kind of a misnomer, since they don't really "swim" so much as "emerge")
- Ghost Ships of the Blind Dead (there is only one ship, guys)
- Le monde des morts-vivants (The World of the Living Dead - sort of makes sense since they're apparently in another dimension)
- Ship of Zombies (simple, straightforward)
- The Ghost Galleon (see poster)
- Zombie Flesh Eater (true, but I feel like the title needs to address the ship)
- The Blind Dead 3 (apparently the director had a loose "series" of these movies, the first of which, La noche del terror ciego, was also titled Revenge from Planet Ape, which: what?! Must see)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is MADRID]
Noemi the Sexy Roommate: Hey! You! Fashion photographer! I know you know where my roommate - and most intimate friend - Kathy is! Tell me!!
Lillian the Fashion Photographer: Hold on, let me finish berating these models. [to the MODELS] You! In the unflattering pants! Stand up straighter! Now do something awkward! [to Noemi] Okay, that's done. Anyway, I don't know where Kathy is.
Noemi: You do too!!
Lillian: Okay, you're right. I do. Meet me at the pier tomorrow and it'll all be explained.
[they go to an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, where all LEGITIMATE BUSINESS occurs]
Howard Tucker, the Sporting Goods Magnate: Hi. As you probably know, I'm Howard Tucker, the sporting goods magnate.*
Noemi: Tell me where my roommate-slash-possible lesbian lover is! I didn't come all the way out to the pier in a mini halter dress and platform heels to get nothing!
Sergio, Howard's Henchman(?): Watch yourself, girl! I don't really serve any purpose here than to intimidate people, and that's what I'll do to you!
Howard Tucker: Okay, so basically what we've done is abandoned your sexy roommate and another sexy girl out in a little boat in the middle of the ocean, and we're waiting for someone to rescue them. There'll be lots of news coverage and instant publicity for me!
Noemi: Wait...what?
Lillian: Look, it doesn't make sense to me either. I just hire the sexy girls.
Kathy, on the radio: You guys! A galleon just appeared in the water by us! And there's a bunch of weird fog! We're going to go check it out! Please hurry, it's scary.*
Howard Tucker: And now it sounds like they're in trouble - galleons? This is bonkers. But we won't be able to find them and rescue them. And how will THAT look for me in terms of publicity!? BAD, that's how!
Noemi: I'm going to the police to report you for...something! I'm not really sure what you did, but it's wrong!!
Sergio: Oh, no you're not!
[he LOCKS her in a DUNGEON or something]
Noemi: Can't you bring me some water?
Sergio: Here's some milk...but ok.
[he walks down ONE MILLION HALLWAYS to get the WATER, while Noemi tries to ESCAPE in her PLATFORM SHOES]
Noemi: Damn this 70s fashion!!
Sergio: Ha ha! Your shoes have thwarted your escape through the many hallways of this warehouse! Now I will choke you...maybe? Or rape you, or something? I'm not sure what's going on.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: I'm just...so...tired...
[she SLEEPS for a while]
Kathy: Oh, maybe I'll look around the galleon. But first, a nap.
[she SLEEPS some more]
Kathy: Where's my sexy friend? She seems to have disappeared. Oh well, I'll just take another nap.
Howard Tucker: Well, the boat's disappeared. My helicopter can't find it. We better consult and expert.
Lillian: An expert in what?
Howard Tucker: Um...meteorology and 16th century galleons? That's a thing, right?
Dr. Midget: Yes! That's me, the tiny man with the voice of Will Arnett! It sounds like something spooky is going on. The best thing to do is to go out to the ocean and investigate, all by ourselves, though none of us are prepared for ocean trauma.
[the MOTLEY CREW goes out to the SPOT where the GALLEON supposedly was, but NOTHING is there]
Lillian: What the hell. I wore my good bell-sleeve shirt for this, and nothing.
[suddenly, the GALLEON APPEARS]
Dr. Midget: Oh, there it is - let's all get on it. I think it's in another dimension, btw.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: Hello? Anyone? Is anyone down in this scary hold? Is anyone inside these coffin-shaped boxes?
[the SLOWEST ZOMBIES EVER emerge from the boxes]
Kathy: No! No! Get away from me! Stop moving so slowly!
[they do GREGORIAN CHANTS as they CARRY HER AWAY or possibly RAPE her but it's VERY CONFUSING]
Howard Tucker: Well, now that we're on the terrifyingly mysterious 16th century galleon, let's all just take a nap.
Noemi: I just want to find Kathy! I'm going to go look for her myself! But first, I'll have a flashback about how we almost kissed one time...[she DOES] okay, now I can go.
[she ALSO finds the SCARY HOLD and the COFFINS and ALSO gets killed by the SKELETON ZOMBIES, but for like TWICE AS LONG as Kathy]
Noemi: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
[she CLUTCHES at the STAIRCASE and DRAGS herself up]
Noemi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
[the zombies GRAB her and DRAG her RIGHT BACK DOWN]
Noemi: Nooooooooooo!!!!!
[the ZOMBIES cut off her LIMBS and FEAST on her FLESH]
Howard Tucker: I wonder where Noemi went.
Sergio: Who cares? I just found a shit-ton of treasure!! I'm outta here!!
Howard Tucker: Sergio, don't leave me now. I'm frightened.*
Lillian: What the hell is up with this boat?
Dr. Midget: Look, I conveniently found a document that explains everything! They're zombies of sectarian knights, and they float around looking for people to eat.
Lillian: That seems really inefficient. This is a really poorly-managed ghost ship.
Dr. Midget: I know! But it seems to be working for them now...
[the ZOMBIES reappear and they are all like WTF]
Dr. Midget: Don't worry - I have some experience in exorcism.*
[he makes a FLAMING CROSS which SUBDUES the zombies for HALF an HOUR]
Dr. Midget: Okay, now let's get all the coffins off the ship.
[we WATCH as they throw EVERY SINGLE COFFIN overboard]
Lillian: That was a tiring, boring sequence! Now what?
Dr. Midget: Look! Now that the zombies are off the boat, we're back in our own dimension. And there's land here! We can swim it! Except me, I can't swim. You guys go.
Sergio: All I want is my treasure!!
[he DROWNS, because EVERYONE KNOWS you never take TREASURE off a GHOST SHIP]
Lillian: Well, we can still swim ashore. My bell-sleeved shirt will help me swim!!
Dr. Midget: Don't forget to come back for me!
[the GHOST SHIP gets PISSED and starts on FIRE and Dr. Midget is CONSUMED by FLAMES]
Howard Tucker: Well, looks like it's just you and me left. Let's collapse on the beach for a second.
[they DO, but all the zombies EMERGE from the SEA and SURROUND them a la a FOOTBALL-STYLE HUDDLE and it is KIND OF GREAT]

Going Steady (1979)

I know I piqued your interest many moons ago with this post regarding the FIFTY PACK of movies I got, and then wrote one post on ONE movie of the fifty in the pack, leaving you wanting more and never giving it to you. Tease.

Well, I have finally watched another choice flick from the set, Going Steady. I'm a little confused about its provenance, as the 50-movie-pack synopsis says it's from Israel, and the names of the actors certainly sound Israeli (or at least Jew-y, *cough*Rachel Steiner*cough*), but imdb says West Germany? And they all speak English in the film. In any event, it's amazingly ridiculous.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is ISRAEL in the 1950s]
Benji, the Main Guy: Yeah!! Driving in a sweet car and listening to American pop music is the best! We're gonna get laid!!
Fat Friend: Even me, though I am fat! Don't forget - I'm fat!
Lothario Friend: Yeahhhhh, ladiesssss.
[they go to the SODA SHOP, where TEENS are HANGING OUT]
Bazoom, the Girl with the Tits: Don't talk to me. I am too hot for you.
Fat Friend: But my friends and I just wanna hang out!
Twins, in Unison: No. We're not whores.*
Bazoom: Don't you have girlfriends?
Fat Friends: Yeah, but they're not here, so we don't have to honor our commitment to them. Let's go to the beach.
Bazoom: Fine. But we're not going to like it.
[they go SKINNY DIPPING, and Bazoom and the Twins STEAL their CLOTHES and DRIVE OFF on some HOGS with some DUDES]
Benji: Oh shit! Now I'm going to have to sneak home wearing nothing but a newspaper!
His Mom: Benji, come greet our party guests. Whaaa? Where are your clothes?!?
Benji: Hi guests. I was just...exercising. With my girlfriend. With the lights off. You should try it sometime!*
[he shows them his ASS as he RETREATS]
Benji: Hey, you know who's hot? Tammy. I love how her hair looks completely like the 70s even though this movie is ostensibly set in the 50s. I think I'll do some moderately creepy, stalker-esque things to try to win her over.
Tammy: Dude, stop stalking me.
Benji: Wait! I know what will get her! I'll eat a series of increasingly crunchy vegetables in a silent library! That always works.
[he eats a CARROT, a stalk of CELERY, a GREEN PEPPER, and finally a TURNIP, and by the end she is SMITTEN]
Tammy: Oh, you!! Disturbing other library patrons with your chewing is delightful!
[they go to a TEEN PARTY at the FAT FRIEND'S house]
Martha, the Bespectacled One: I sure hope Benji doesn't notice my longing stares. He'd never notice me, though, because I have glasses and pigtails. That's why I'm dating the Fat Friend. We're both socially unacceptable to want to fuck. Sigh.
Lothario Friend: Daaaaaaamn, that Tammy girl is hot.
[the DUDES on HOGS roll up and the party dumps WATER on them, which seems like a BAD IDEA]
Benji: Let's go boating!
Tammy: Only if I can put a flower in my hair and hold a bouquet for the entire boat ride.
[the Fat Friend FALLS OUT of the boat because REMEMBER, he is FAT]
Benji: Tammy's so amazing!!
[he goes HOME, singing "Singin' in the Rain" at the TOP of his LUNGS, awakening his PARENTS]
His Dad: Are you drunk?
His Mom: I think he's in love! That is the obvious conclusion from this bizarre behavior.
[another TEEN PARTY happens and he tries to COP a FEEL, but Tammy gets PISSED and BAILS]
Martha: It's my chance! My one chance with Benji!
[she REMOVES her GLASSES and PIGTAILS, and also her CLOTHING]
Benji: Gahsuihfhwonefldrunk
Martha: Benji, I'm naked, and I love you.
Benji: What the fuuuuuuuuck!
[he RUNS AWAY]
Lothario Friend: Look, I'm about to get laid, okay? So if you guys want to come along, let's go.
[he SNEAKS them in to SOME GIRL'S ROOM, where they WATCH as he BONES her and then the Fat Friend tries to GET UP ON HER and she gets PISSED, obviously]
Lothario Friend: What? You don't like being assaulted? Weird.
Benji: I gotta make up with Tammy. Hiding in a closet watching my friend do some floozy is no fun.
[he DOES, by TRICKING her into coming DOWNSTAIRS and apologizing HALF-HEARTEDLY]
Tammy: You're forgiven, I guess. Let's have sex.
[they are INTERRUPTED by her MOM]
Benji: I got blue balls! What do I do?
Fat Friend: Just put ice on them in the tub.
[he GOES HOME and his parents are having ANOTHER PARTY and there are FISH in the tub for some reason and he has to REMOVE the fish to ice his BALLS]
His Mom: What's going on in there!? What are you doing to my fish?!
Benji: Your fish bit me...on the nuts!*
[they try to DO IT again but are interrupted by HIS MOM]
His Mom: Why can't you be more like Morris, the neighbor boy who plays his violin in his yard?
Benji: Aw, Mom, he's a lame-o!
[he throws LITERALLY a DOZEN EGGS at this kid who is JUST trying to PRACTICE]
Morris' Mom: Your son is throwing eggs at my son again!
Benji's Mom: What? No! He's not even home!* Ha ha!
Tammy: Look, if we're going to have sex, we need a private space. Let's go pretend to be renting an apartment and then just fuck in the vacant apartment the agent will give us keys to.
Benji: Sweet.
[they go to a VACANT PAD and get NAKED and then just HUG and WEEP a SINGLE TEAR]
Lothario Friend: Another partayyyy! And another opportunity for drama. Hey, Fat Friend, you know Benji balled your girl, right?
Fat Friend: Noooooo!
Tammy: Whaaaaaaaaaat?!
Martha: I'm a whoooooooore!!
[everyone is SAD]
Some Random Girl: So I'm going on a big road trip tomorrow. You wanna come?
Benji: What? No. Okay, yes. I'll see you at your house.
Tammy: I still love Benji! But I cannot show him! Or tell him!
Fat Friend: Tammy still loves you! But she is too proud!
Benji: I can't go on the road trip, Random Girl. Here, take Fat Friend instead.
[he RUNS like a MUPPET to Tammy's HOUSE, where he THREATENS to KILL HIMSELF]
Tammy: You wouldn't kill yourself!
Benji: Oh, wouldn't I?
[he JUMPS off a BUILDING but just onto a BALCONY but she thinks he's DEAD and RUNS DOWN but he is NOT DEAD and they HUG]
Tammy: I love how emotionally manipulative you are!
Benji: Me too, Tammy. Me too.

Invasion of the Bee Girls

I was going to wait until tomorrow to publish this, but I can't withhold this kind of awesome from you any longer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
No-Tell Motel Staff: Oh no! A corpse! A corpse in our seedy, seedy motel!
Investigators: This dead man is a scientist. A government scientist. This could somehow be related...to his science. Better call in the Feds.
Federal Investigator: I'm here to look dashing and investigate this crime. Who was last seen with this married man? His secretary?
Hot Science Administrator: No, actually, I'm the head of the department.
Federal Investigator: A woman? In a position of power? My manhood is both threatened and tingly. So, tell me what happened that night.
Hot Science Administrator: Nothing, okay? NOTHING. [pause] Okay, we balled, and we balled, and we balled, until he dropped dead.*
Federal Investigator: Interesting. And hot.
[meanwhile, in the FOREST]
Nude Woman: Hey! I'm just riding my dirt bike - nude!
Nude Man: Awesome! Let's roll slowly down this hill and fuck!
[they DO, and he BITES it]
Nude Woman: Hahahahaha!!!
[like FOUR MORE DUDES die of SEXUAL EXHAUSTION and they call a TOWN MEETING]
Dr. Murder:* So we're not sure what's causing this epidemic, but we're pretty sure the solution is complete sexual abstinence.
Townspeople: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU MUST BE JOKING.
Dr. Murder: No, for real, you guys. I have a theory, but it's so crazy, so insane - I can't tell it!
[meanwhile, in a TASTEFULLY-APPOINTED home]
Husband: Well, complete sexual abstinence isn't going to be anything new around HERE.*
Wife: [looks DOUR and BORING]
Federal Investigator: We need to talk to that Dr. Murder and find out what this "crazy idea" he has is.
[they try to MEET him, but instead see him get RUN OVER by a MYSTERIOUS CAR]
Hot Science Administrator: What could be happening? Let's go to his house and find out.
[they find a GAY SEX DUNGEON at his house, with many shots of WHIPS and CHAINS because gays are KINKY]
Federal Investigator: WHAAAAA?
[meanwhile, at the LAB]
Herb Klein: Boy, science is great, but my wife is so lame.
Hot Entomologist: Maybe we should have dinner. But I'll never take off my sunglasses. Ever. They are the hugest sunglasses in the world.
[they have DINNER and she FLIRTS with him and he CANNOT RESIST because men are HORNY]
Hot Entomologist: Now I will strip for you to classical music. But then I will kill you with my compound eyes!!! Now you know why I wear the sunglasses!!
[she KILLS him with her SEXY BEE POWERS]
Hot Entomologist: Now to add a new bee girl to our arsenal!
[she takes MRS. KLEIN to her LAB, where she and five other women in SEXY LAB COATS slather ROYAL JELLY all over her NAKED BODY, including her BREASTS, which are REAL, and FEATURED HEAVILY]
Hot Entomologist: Yes!! Yes!! She is emerging from the radioactive chamber that makes her into a bee girl! You can tell by her compound eyes! Ladies, expose your bosoms!
[all the assistants RIP OPEN their sexy lab coats and just RUB their own BREASTS]
Hot Entomologist: Now, we'll all make out.
[meanwhile, in an ACTUAL lab]
Federal Investigator: Look! I found a flimsy explanation for what's going on in this science book! That hot entomologist was combining bee DNA with human DNA, and also they are radioactive for some reason! And that gay dude got run over because he was immune to the charms of the killer bee girls!
Hot Science Administrator: It all makes sense! I guess!
[meanwhile, at the SAME or maybe a DIFFERENT tastefully-appointed HOME]
Wife: I'm sorry I've been a sexual bore.*
[she takes off her TOP in an UNSEXY manner, but then takes off her STOCKINGS in a SEXY manner]
Husband: No! You're a bee girl! Get away from me!
[he STRANGLES her with her OWN STOCKINGS, though she is NOT a bee girl because she is NOT wearing SUNGLASSES]
Hot Science Administrator: We need to solve this thing - and fast!
[they bring a GEIGER COUNTER to the FUNERAL of Herb Klein and DEDUCE that the SUNGLASS-WEARING women are BEE GIRLS]
Hot Entomologist: We are found out! We must eliminate everyone else who knows about this!
[she and her SEXY ASSISTANTS try to transform the Hot Science Administrator into a BEE GIRL, but the Federal Investigator SAVES her and BLOWS UP the lab]
Federal Investigator: Good thing that's all over. Let's make out now.
[as they do, we see a BEE resting on a FLOWER as "Thus Spake Zarathustra" plays DRAMATICALLY]

*this guy's name is actually "Dr. Murger," but Steph and I heard "murder" pretty much every time anyone said it. Bonus hilarity!