A Place in the Sun

This movie is legit incredible. It's all sad and sexy and chock-full of insightful social commentary. My one quibble is that I kind of think that if you're making a movie about someone trying to social-climb and encountering true obstacles, you shouldn't cast someone who is this hot. Hot people can do whatever they want! Is anyone ever going to keep a hottie from attending a party because they have cheap shoes or something? BEAUTY IS CURRENCY, GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

***

[it is the REPRESSED 1950s. Montgomery Clift HITCHHIKES as the camera ZOOMS IN on his hot, troubled face]

Montgomery Clift: How I wish I could get in that beautiful car with that beautiful woman, who is speeding away from me. 

[he instead GETS a LIFT in a truck CONTAINING live chickens]

Montgomery Clift: Hello. I'm here to see my uncle, the owner of this swimsuit company. 

His Uncle: Ah yes! Come to my house tonight, my boy, and we'll discuss your future! 

His Aunt: Are you SURE you want to give him a job, darling? He's so poor and his mother was so RELIGIOUS. How vulgar!

[Montgomery Clift ARRIVES in a cheap suit and is ASHAMED but he's SUPER hot so who CARES?]  

His Uncle: You're family and we take care of family down at Bikini, Inc. My son will give you a job worthy of your station.

[Elizabeth Taylor ENTERS and is BREATHTAKING and VIVACIOUS]

Elizabeth Taylor: Tra la! Come on everyone, time to go to a rich-person party!

[literally everyone LEAVES and Monty is not INVITED]

Montgomery Clift: I will say nothing but my face will show a thousand feelings.

[it is the FACTORY]

Monty's Cousin: So the girls place swimsuits into boxes and you stack them. Sometimes you'll put them on a cart. Easy enough for you, dumdum?

[it is NOT at first but he GETS better at the EASIEST job in the WORLD as Factory Girl Shelley Winters GAZES at him]

Montgomery Clift: Well, well, well. Fancy running into you at this movie theater. Guess what, I'm walking you home.

Shelley Winters: I suppose I don't really have a choice in the matter, but OK. You just can't come inside. 

Montgomery Clift: Guess what, I'm coming inside.

[he TURNS UP the radio and the camera PANS away to INDICATE that they are DOING IT and honestly, I'm not SEEING a lot of ENTHUSIASTIC consent here]

[time PASSES, INDICATED by FLYING calendar pages]

Monty's Uncle: My boy, what are you doing on the line? This won't do! Go work in the office. And come to a ball at my house while you're at it. 

[he GOES to the ball but FEELS rebuked by society so he PLAYS pool and Elizabeth Taylor HAPPENS UPON him]

Elizabeth Taylor: Gosh, you sure are a swell player. I'm just going to stand here with my perfect body and face, to make you even more nervous. 

Montgomery Clift: I know I'm just sexy gutter trash, even in a tux, but will you dance with me? 

Elizabeth Taylor: And how!

[they DANCE all night long]

Shelley Winters: Where were you? With all those pretty society girls? 

Montgomery Clift: [extremely UNCONVINCINGLY] No way, sugar, you're the only one for me. 

[he GOES to another ball and DANCES with Elizabeth Taylor and it is SENSUAL]

Montgomery Clift: I love you. If I could only tell you how much I love you.* 

Elizabeth Taylor: Tell Mama. Tell Mama all.*

Montgomery Clift: Did you just call yourself "Mama?" 

[they KISS and it's too much BEAUTY for my eyes to BEHOLD]

Montgomery Clift: This is fucking awesome.

Shelley Winters: I have to tell you something and since we had sex in the 50s, obviously you know what it is. 

[she WEEPS]

Montgomery Clift: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[he TAKES her to the ABORTION doctor and she TELLS a series of ESCALATING lies]

The Doctor: I'm sorry but there's nothing I will do, because the past sucks.

[she WEEPS and it is truly HEARTBREAKING]

Shelley Winters: I guess we'll just have to get married.

Montgomery Clift: [SHITS a brick]

Elizabeth Taylor: Come and visit me at my family's gorgeous lake house!

[they FROLIC and are beautiful and she TELLS him about a DROWNING that I'm sure WON'T be IMPORTANT to the PLOT later]

Shelley Winters: I feel abandoned! Where could he be?

[she SEES a photo of Monty in the SOCIETY pages, DRIVING a SPEEDBOAT and LOVING life]

Shelley Winters: I'm at the lake bus station, you liar. You have to marry me, RIGHT NOW or I'll tell the papers, which was apparently a real threat in the 50s!

Montgomery Clift: GULP. 

[he TELLS more LIES to Elizabeth Taylor, who is TROUBLED]

Montgomery Clift: Aw shucks, the registrar is closed for the holiday. What say we take a refreshing boat ride on Lake Murder? 

Shelley Winters: OK I guess, though I don't know how to swim as I mentioned earlier in the movie. 

[he RENTS the BOAT with a FAKE name and they DRIFT in the water OMINOUSLY as it GETS DARK]

Shelley Winters: I know you don't really want to marry me, but we'll have a small, inconsequential life together filled with lots of factory work and children and no speedboats. It'll be fine!

Montgomery Clift: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

[she STANDS up in the BOAT because of her FEELINGS and they FALL into the WATER]

Montgomery Clift: Here I am back at the vacation house, nothing to see here, I definitely haven't been fully clothed in a lake anytime recently.

[he is a SWEATY mess of PTSD with no CHILL] 

Elizabeth Taylor's Dad: Well, my daughter likes you so I suppose you can marry her, even though you're still kind of trashy.

Montgomery Clift: GREAT SOUNDS GOOD, NOTHING CAN GET IN THE WAY OF THAT.

[meanwhile, Shelley Winters' BODY is FLOATING in the LAKE]

A Detective: Hmmm. I know that this poor young woman wasn't on the boat by herself, and we can't find another body. Obviously this is a murder.

[they FIND the SMOKING GUN speedboat pic in Shelley's house and almost INSTANTLY arrest a SWEATING Monty and there is a TRIAL]

Montgomery Clift: I didn't kill her! I think? I mean it wasn't on purpose! Was it? I don't even know!

The Prosecutor: We know you did it. Now get into this canoe we've brought into the courtroom and show us what happened! 

[Monty FALLS OUT of the courtroom CANOE which somehow PROVES his GUILT]

The Judge: I sentence you to death in the electric chair.

Elizabeth Taylor: I will always love you, and also be scarred by this experience forevermore.  

A Priest: Confess your sins, my son.

Montgomery Clift: TBH, I didn't kill Shelley but I also didn't try to save her because I kind of hated her.

A Priest: Then you had murder in your heart which I guess is the same as actual murder.

Montgomery Clift: Yeah.

[he WALKS slowly to his DEATH and his face is both totally EXPRESSIONLESS and also CONTAINS every EMOTION that has ever EXISTED]

*actual line from movie

Rebecca (1940)

 

COVID hasn't quite driven me to watch the Netflix version of this movie yet. All I know is that Armie Hammer wears an enormous mustard-colored suit, which is really all I need to hear. Maxim de Winter would NEVER. 

Perhaps Laurence Olivier wore a mustard suit in this version as well, but we'll never know. His suits are just another mystery of this very mysterious film. 

** 

[we OPEN on a BURNED-OUT shell of a MANSION, which is DEFINITELY not a SPOILER]

Joan Fontaine VO: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.* 

[FLASHBACK to Laurence Oliver TEETERING over a ROCKY CLIFF, Winslet-style]

Joan Fontaine: No, please! Don’t do it! 

Laurence Olivier: Who are you? I was having a dramatic moment! 

[she RUNS AWAY and meets up with her Dowager Boss at their FANCY hotel]

Dowager Boss: I’m paying you to be my companion, not climb around on cliffs! Ugh, I hate you. 

Joan Fontaine: It’s OK, I hate me too, for I am the meekest, most self-loathing wet blanket in cinema history. 

Laurence Olivier: Now I am in a tuxedo and feeling all better. And who might you be? 

Joan Fontaine: Oh my, I don't have a name! I don't deserve one. 

Laurence Olivier: Now that we are alone, I must thank you for interrupting my suicide. As a reward I will speak faster than the Micro Machines guy and take you on dates against your will. 

Joan Fontaine: <3

[the Dowager ABRUPTLY decides they have to LEAVE and Joan Fontaine is HEARTBROKEN]

Joan Fontaine: I’m sorry to disturb you while you’re in the shower, but I am going away forever.

Laurence Olivier: Well that won’t do. Why don’t you stay with me?

Joan Fontaine: Do you need a secretary or something?*

Laurence Olivier: I’m asking you to marry me, you little fool.* 

[OBVIOUSLY she cannot RESIST this AMAZING proposal and they are MARRIED]

Dowager Boss: HA! Good luck living up to his first wife, whose death destroyed him. She had a first name. It was...REBECCA.

Joan Fontaine: REBECCA.

[they GO to Manderley, his IMPOSING mansion]

Mrs. Danvers: WELCOME TO THE HOUSE, MADAM. I SHALL BE RUNNING THINGS AS I RAN THEM FOR THE FIRST MRS. DE WINTER.

[she is ICE-COLD and Joan Fontaine is INTIMIDATED but then again, she is INTIMIDATED by literally EVERYTHING]

Mrs. Danvers: I HOPE YOU WILL BE COMFORTABLE IN THIS ROOM. THIS OF COURSE WAS NOT HER ROOM, HER ROOM WAS BETTER. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO IN THAT ROOM.

[Joan Fontaine BREAKS a statue and HIDES the pieces in TERROR even though its TECHNICALLY HER statue now**]

Joan Fontaine: Let’s go for a walk by the sea, darling! Oh no, the dog ran away! I’ll fetch him!

Laurence Olivier: No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[she FOLLOWS the DOG to a CREEPY SHED and is UNSETTLED]

Laurence Olivier: DID YOU GO TO THE SHED

Joan Fontaine: Why are you so angry? What have I done? Why am I such a sentient trash bag?

[he APOLOGIZES like a CLASSIC ABUSER]

Joan Fontaine: I am mysteriously drawn to Rebecca. Perhaps I shall check out the West Wing.

Mrs. Danvers: HELLO. I WAS JUST LURKING BY THE DOOR, AS ONE DOES. I KNEW YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE HER ROOM.

[the ROOM is OPULENT and LITERALLY everything is MONOGRAMMED with an “R” like, we GET IT, Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: LOOK AT HOW SEXY HER NIGHTIE WAS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TOUCH IT? IN ITS SEXY PARTS?

[she FONDLES the NIGHTIE]

Mrs. Danvers: DO YOU THINK THE DEAD WATCH OVER THE LIVING?* I BET SHE WATCHES YOU FUCK AND THINKS YOU’RE BAD AT IT.

Joan Fontaine: Why must you torture me?!

[she PULLS it together, KIND OF, and PLANS a COSTUME BALL to PROVE that she is as FUN as Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: I SUGGEST THAT YOU WEAR THIS TOTALLY ORIGINAL COSTUME THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS EVER WORN AND LOOKED AMAZING IN BEFORE, CERTAINLY NO ONE WHOSE NAMED STARTED WITH AN “R.”

Joan Fontaine: For some reason, I trust you now. Surprise, darling! Look at my costume!

Laurence Olivier: TAKE IT OFF!

Joan Fontaine: You monster! Why do you hate me so?

Mrs. Danvers: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KILL YOURSELF.

[she BECKONS Joan Fontaine to an OPEN WINDOW, but before she can PLUMMET to her DEATH, a boat WASHES up on shore CONTAINING a Rebecca CORPSE]

Joan Fontaine: Darling? Why are you hiding in the creepy shack? This must be so terrible for you. Oh, I know that I can’t measure up to the way you loved her.

Laurence Olivier: You think I loved Rebecca? I hated her!*

Joan Fontaine: Wuhhhh?

Laurence Olivier: Yes. She was a big jerk who loved to party and sleep with her cousins and have abortions. She told me right in this very spot that I could never get away from her, and OH HOW SHE LAUGHED.* And then she fell and banged her head and died and honestly, it was pretty convenient. I put her body in a sailboat and that’s that.

Joan Fontaine: Oh darling, I believe every word of this story!

[there is an INQUEST cause Larry MISIDENTIFIED a different CORPSE that he KNEW wasn’t Rebecca]

Rebecca’s Cousin/Lover: Someone drilled holes in the boat! He’s a murderer!

Laurence Olivier: No! We have to see her doctor!

[they GO TO Rebecca's DOCTOR for some REASON and LEARN that she had INCURABLE CANCER]

The Judge: Well, I guess she just killed herself in the most elaborate way possible. Nothing more to see here!

Everyone: Hooray!

[Laurence Olivier DRIVES home and SEES that Manderley is AFLAME]

Joan Fontaine: It’s Mrs. Danvers! She’s gone mad!

[we SEE Mrs. Danvers FLAIL in the WEST WING as it BURNS because she is a DEVOTED SERVANT and DEFINITELY not BECAUSE she was GAY FOR Rebecca]

*actual line from movie 

**TBH, I would do this too

A Few Good Men

 

Ah, Sorkin. Remember the early 90's, when your ego hadn't swallowed you whole and you could write non-grandiose dialogue and a female character that wasn't a TOTAL idiot, just kind of an idiot? Take us back.

***

[it is Washington, D.C.]

Demi Moore: Two soldiers murdered one of their coworkers in Guantanamo but I don’t think it’s their fault. As a capable, confident female naval officer-attorney excelling in a traditionally male space, I respectfully ask to take on their case.
The Men in Charge: Lol. Get out.
[we FLASHBACK to GUANTANAMO in the RECENT PAST]
That Guy in Every Sorkin Movie: This young solider wants a transfer and keeps breaking the chain of command because we ignore him.
Kiefer Sutherland: He’s a pu**y and I hate him!
Jack Nicholson: Calm down, boys. Let’s keep him here and whip him into shape.
[he WIGGLE-WAGGLES his GROSS EYEBROWS]
[back in present-day D.C., at a SOFTBALL PRACTICE where Tom Cruise at MAXIMUM CHARM beans GROUNDERS]
Demi Moore: So, I hear you’ve been assigned as lead counsel on this case. I know all about you. Harvard grad, son of a famous litigator, two years in the Navy, loves to plea bargain, possibly wearing lifts…
Tom Cruise: Thanks for providing all that exposition, sweetcheeks. Now scram, I have a scrimmage to win!
Demi Moore: Well as your superior officer, I'm joining this defense team!
Tom Cruise: Sure, whatever, I’m just gonna plea bargain cause I love to plea bargain as much as I love to make witty rejoinders. Also, these guys are murderers.
Demi Moore: Have you ever heard of a Code Red? Yeah, I didn’t think so.* 
Tom Cruise: I am mildly intrigued, but there is softball to be played and Yoo-Hoo to be consumed and work is boring! Let’s go to Guantanamo to check some boxes.
Kevin Pollack: Better wear the whites.*
Tom Cruise: I hate the whites.*
[they all GO to GUANTANAMO where Noah Wylie is their JEEP DRIVER]
Jack Nicholson: Welcome, chums. Nice whites. I’m here to be both ingratiatingly helpful and mildly sinister.
[they GO to a LUNCH filled with MALE GLADHANDING]
Demi Moore: I have some actual questions about what went down here. 
Tom Cruise: Hey, shut up. 
Jack Nicholson: Let her speak, but first let me tell you boys about how nice it is when powerful women blow you.
[he STARES Demi DOWN with his PERVERT BROWS but she is UNRUFFLED]
Tom Cruise: Yikes. I mean...yeah, women, amirite? Oh, before we go I’d like the dead guy's files, if that’s cool. 
Jack Nicholson: You have to ask me nicely.*
Tom Cruise: That was weird. And this file is also weird. I feel like something is missing…but I still just want to plea bargain, cause there are pickup basketball games to attend! 
[they MEET with their CLIENTS who are very MILITARISTIC and OPAQUE but EVENTUALLY say that they were ORDERED to do a Code Red which means you BEAT the SHIT out of your BROTHER-IN-ARMS to MAKE him HAPPIER and more PRODUCTIVE]

Kevin Bacon: I’m the prosecutor on this case and since you’re my b-ball bro, I’ll do you a solid and plead them down to two years if you don’t mention this “Code Red” nonsense.
Tom Cruise: Great! Let’s wrap this up, soldiers.
The Alpha Soldier: No. We did nothing wrong. We were ordered, and you follow orders. 
Demi Moore: To trial it is!
Tom Cruise: Aw MAN, now I have to work! Good thing I’m the most brilliant litigator to never try a case.
[he and Demi and Kevin Pollack PREPARE for the CASE in MONTAGE FORM and we SEE Cruise’s GENIUS BLOSSOM]
Tom Cruise: I will put on this uniform and be very handsome cause let’s be honest, I really am. Time to trial!
[he MAKES a VERY SORKIN-Y opening statement to DEMONSTRATE his COCKSURE COURTROOM STYLE]
Kevin Bacon: I call to the stand many “hey, it’s that guy!” witnesses, including Cuba Gooding Jr. and Christopher Guest.
[Tom Cruise is BRILLIANT all the TIME in his REBUTTALS]
Demi Moore: It’s going GREAT. 
[the BETA defendant TAKES the STAND and RUINS EVERYTHING]
Tom Cruise: Goddammit Demi Moore, why didn’t you prep him better? You're supposed to be the Hermione of this operation!
Demi Moore: Well Kevin Pollack is actually the one who is supposed to pr-
Tom Cruise: NO, YOUR FAULT.
Demi Moore: Want to go on a date?
[they DO and have the LEAST amount of CHEMISTRY ever RECORDED on FILM and it is NEVER SPOKEN of AGAIN]
Demi Moore: I still believe in our extremely unwinnable case with no witnesses or proof of anything.

[they LOSE a KEY WITNESS and Tom Cruise GETS DRUNK and FLAILS around in a MANNER that SUGGESTS he has NEVER actually been DRUNK in his LIFE]
Demi Moore: Call Jack Nicholson to the stand. He says that he was going to transfer the murder victim but we both know that’s not true. 
Tom Cruise: No, we will literally go to prison if we so much as suggest he did anything untoward because apparently he is King of Navy. YA DUMB.
Kevin Pollack: Your father was the greatest lawyer in history but I would still have you defend me over him because you are just that amazing at lawyering. 
Tom Cruise: You have found my weak spot because I am Tom Cruise in a Tom Cruise movie and a Tom Cruise movie just ain't a Tom Cruise movie unless I, Tom Cruise, has some kind of issue with my father, Tom Cruise Sr. Bring me my thinking bat!
[his MAGIC BAT gives him the KEY to the CASE]
Tom Cruise: I call Jack Nicholson to the stand!
Jack Nicholson: Here I am, to intimidate the shit out of you and calmly answer all of your “gotcha” questions about suitcase-packing. Adequately rattled? Are we done here? 
Tom Cruise: I didn’t dismiss you yet. Sit down. 
Jack Nicholson: Oh HELL no. Time to bring out the big Nicholson guns. You want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall.*
[he Nicholsons SO HARD]
Tom Cruise: Well look out, old timer, cause I’m gonna Cruise the hell out of you. I want the TRUTH!*
[he Cruises his FACE OFF]
Jack Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH,* whatever that means! It was I that ordered the Code Red!

Tom Cruise: I….didn’t think that would happen.

[EVERYONE is BLOWN AWAY]
Kevin Bacon: Uh...I think we have to arrest you now, Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: Wait, what?
Jury Foreman: The defendants are not guilty.
Judge: But they are dishonorably discharged. 
The Beta Soldier: What does that mean? We didn’t do anything wrong!
The Alpha Soldier: It was our duty to protect that dead wimp. We deserve this.
Tom Cruise: You don't need a badge on your arm to have honor.*
[they SALUTE each other RESPECTFULLY and I CRIED a LITTLE?]
[the movie ENDS ABRUPTLY and we have NO IDEA what happens to ANY of these PEOPLE and I have some FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS]

*actual line from movie

The Skin I Live In

[it is TOLEDO 2012]
Vera: I do my yoga. I wear a bodysuit. I make folk art. I am very beautiful. But I am a prisoner. Or maybe I am crazy? No one is sure yet.
Marilia: Si. Here is some food in the dumbwaiter for you, since I cannot enter your room.
[it is a MEDICAL CONFERENCE]
Antonio Banderas: I made some super skin and also I am super sexy! Okay, but seriously, this skin is crazy. It can't be burned, and it's impenetrable to mosquitoes.
Colleague: Hold on...how did you test this skin?
Antonio Banderas: On...uh...mice.
[meanwhile, at his GORGEOUS COMPOUND]
Antonio Banderas: Can you feel this blowtorch?
Vera: No.
[she CUTS herself with PAPER because she is not allowed ANYTHING SHARP]
Antonio Banderas: Your skin is so soft.* Now I will repair you again, to be so, so beautiful.
Marilia: You know she looks just like your dead wife, right?
Antonio Banderas: Uh...no she doesn't.
[there are MANY SHOTS of BEAUTY]
Antonio Banderas: Fire all the servants. It's just you now, Marilia. BRB.
A Man Dressed as a Tiger: Let me in! I'm your son! It's Carnevale, so it's okay that I'm dressed as a tiger.
[he shows his BUTT MOLE to prove it]
Marilia: Oh, my little tiger!*
[she LETS HIM IN]
Zeca, the Tiger: Hey mom. I'm back. Can I just hang out here for a while? No reason.
Conveniently-Placed News Report: Security cameras captured footage of the jewelry heist earlier today.
[it is ZECA, robbin' shit]
Zeca: Aw jeez. Now I have to tie you up so you don't call the cops.
[he sees VERA on the SECURITY TV and LICKS her image and it is REAL CREEPY]
Zeca: Where is she! Where is the key to that room with that beautiful woman in it!?
[he FINDS her and they FIGHT but then he KISSES her]
Zeca: I thought you were dead! When I left, you were on fire!!
Vera: Uh....
Zeca: Okay, well, let's have sex.
Vera: Uh...........
[he RAPES her but Antonio Banderas gets home JUST IN TIME and fucking SHOOTS him]
Marilia: There's a LOT of blood here. These stains will never come out!!
Vera: So, uh, what was that about?
Marilia: Okay, so I know up to this point everything has been very subtle and slightly confusing but in that nice "you figure it out" kind of way? Well, let's leave that to the side for a moment and just straight EXPOSIT some shit. First of all: you look like the dead wife, who had an affair with and also ran away with my son Zeca. Also, Antonio Banderas is my son, but he doesn't know it. Also, his wife was burned in a car crash trying to run off with Zeca. Also, the wife killed herself in front of her daughter (they had a daughter), who also killed herself.
Vera: Whoa.
Marilia: I know.
Antonio Banderas: So...do you want to sleep with me tonight?
Vera: Okay.
[SIX YEARS EARLIER, in a VINTAGE STORE]
Vincente: I'm going to a wedding, you want to come? You should try this dress on.
Cristina: No! And I won't wear that dress. And also I am a lesbian.
Vincente: Maaaaaan! I can't get no play!
Vincente's Mom: Oh, Vincente! Stop pestering the lesbian!
Vincente: Fine, I'm out!
[the wedding is FANCY and SUMPTUOUS and BEAUTIFULLY SHOT]
Antonio Banderas: My daughter seems to be doing all right, even though they let her out of the loony bin to come to this wedding.
Norma: Ha ha! I'm not crazy! NOT CRAZY AT ALL.
Vincente: Who is that not-crazy girl over there? She fine.
[they go for a WALK in the WOODS]
Vincente: I am SUPER HIGH right now. Let's have sex!
[he CLIMBS around ON TOP of her]
Norma: Uhhhhh...
[she hears the SONG that she was SINGING when she saw her mother FALL to her DEATH]
Norma: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MY MEMORIES!!!!!!
Vincente: Shit! This girl is now crazy. I better run!
Antonio Banderas: Mija! What happened?!
Norma: AAAAAAHHHH RAPIST!!!!
[she goes back to the CRAZY PEN]
Antonio Banderas: Are you okay?
[she WAILS and goes in the CLOSET]
Doctor: She thinks you raped her. You should probably stop coming to see her.
[she KILLS herself]
Antonio Banderas: She is dead because that kid at the wedding raped her. VENDETTA TIME.
Vincente: La, la, la, drivin' my scooter...hey!
[there is a SCARY VAN trying to RUN HIM off the ROAD]
Antonio Banderas in a Creepy Mask: Sedatives! BOOM. NOW YOU ARE KIDNAPPED.
[he LOCKS him in a CAVE]
Vincente: What is happening? Why am I in a cave?? What the hell???
Antonio Banderas: Here's some water, but no explanations.
[he keeps him CAPTIVE for a while, then CHLOROFORMS him]
Antonio Banderas: Hey, doctor friends. We have a secret surgery to do.
Colleague: Huh. Seems like a weird procedure.
Antonio Banderas: He knows exactly what he wants.*
[they OPERATE on him in the SECRET OPERATING ROOM]
Vincente: What...what happened?
Antonio Banderas: Oh, you have a vagina now.
Vincente: Wait...what?
Antonio Banderas: YA BURNT. DON'T RAPE PEOPLE'S DAUGHTERS.
Vincente: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiit.
[Antonio Banderas performs MANY EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURES on him until he looks like THE DEAD WIFE]
Antonio Banderas: I can't keep calling you Vincente. You are too beautiful. I will call you Vera, a name FILLED WITH MEANING.
Vera: Well, I want to die.
[she SLITS her own THROAT]
Antonio Banderas: You can never get away from me. Look, I fixed your throat. Now you are my prisoner. My revenge is vast.
[it is the PRESENT]
Colleague: So, uh...I just noticed this story in the paper about this guy who disappeared six years ago - did you...did we turn him into a woman?
Antonio Banderas: No! No. Don't be silly.
Marilia: We have to kill her! EVERYONE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
Vera: But I promised never to leave him.
Antonio Banderas: She promised! See? Everything's cool. Take her shopping, would you?
Marilia: What? Okay.
[they go SHOPPING and Vera buys the DRESS that Vincente liked]
Vera: I have to go get the lube if you want to have sex with me, in my fake vagina, that you created.
Antonio Banderas: That is so fucked up. Go get it!
[she gets the LUBE but also A GUN]
Antonio Banderas: But you promised you'd never leave me.
Vera: I lied.*
[she just fucking SHOOTS HIM DEAD]
Marilia: What! My son!
Vera: I'm under the bed, bitch!
[she SHOOTS her too]
Vera: Now I am revenged for six years of torture, and also being made into a woman.
[s/he returns to the VINTAGE STORE]
Vera: Hey Cristina. I'm back.
Cristina: Bokayyyyyy. You fine.
Vera: I'm Vincente.
Vincente's Mom: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
[FIN]

Drive

[it is LOS ANGELES]
Ryan Gosling: I am a driver. I drive. I drive so well that I can plan to drive some robbers to the Staples Center in this nondescript silver Impala just as the basketball game is ending so no one will catch us.
[he is SILENT and DRIVES real good and they GET AWAY]
Bryan Cranston: You are so good at stunt driving! I wish you could drive racecars so I could make money off your driving skills. I like money and have a limp.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears RUBBER MASK, drives STUNTS in a MOVIE]
[meanwhile, at his APARTMENT]
Carey Mulligan: I live on the fourth floor.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears SCORPION JACKET]
[they LOOK at each other and then CLOSE their DOORS but it is MEANINGFUL]
Ryan Gosling: I better get groceries. Even stoic stunt slash robbery drivers need to eat.
[he sees CAREY and her SON and they are being CUTE in the GROCERY STORE]
Carey Mulligan: My car is broken.
[suddenly they are in the ELEVATOR of their APARTMENT so maybe he fixed their CAR or maybe DROVE them home, because he is a DRIVER]
Carey Mulligan: My son's father is in prison.
Little Boy: I have a pumpkin mask on.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, is ATTRACTIVE]
[meanwhile, at the GARAGE]
Carey Mulligan: My car broke down again, or possibly is still broken down.
Ryan Gosling: [SMILES crookedly]
Bryan Cranston: He's a good mechanic, even though he doesn't have a name. Or a past? Maybe? You two are both attractive, though, so maybe he should give you and your adorable child a ride home.
Ryan Gosling: Wanna see something?
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they drive in that PLACE where they DRAG RACED in GREASE to a SONG that sounds like the 80s but also like maybe something that would play in the LOBBY of a FANCY CLUB but not actually IN THE CLUB]
Ryan Gosling: It's a creek.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they LOOK at the CREEK and are IN LOVE or something]
Carey Mulligan: My husband is getting out of prison in a week.
Ryan Gosling: [stoic HOTNESS]
Bryan Cranston: We're going to get a stock car so you can drive it and make money, and Albert Brooks is going to help us.
Albert Brooks: Fine. Here's $300,000. But I want to meet this kid.
[he puts out his HAND to SHAKE it]
Ryan Gosling: My hands are a little dirty.*
Albert Brooks: So are mine.*
[they LOOK at each other]
Albert Brooks: Okay. But I have to tell my partner.
Ron Perlman: That's me! I am weird-looking and angry. And I am the one who gave your friend that limp!
Bryan Cranston: Yes.
[meanwhile, at the APARTMENT]
Standard, the Babydaddy: I'm out of prison! Also I am named Standard. Also I am quite attractive.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they have a PARTY for being out of PRISON]
Standard: I hear you have been helping my wife out.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK]
Standard: Thank you for that. Although you are extremely attractive, I am maybe not at all suspicious of you?
[he gets BEAT UP by some THUGS]
Standard: They want me to rob a pawn shop, but I want to go straight.
Ryan Gosling: I will help you, but really it is because I want to help your wife and child, which is not weird at all.
Little Boy: I have a bullet.
Ryan Gosling: Let me have it. I might need it later for intimidation purposes.
[meanwhile, at what might be the LA BREA TAR PITS]
Thug in Track Suit: You guys need to rob this pawn shop, and Blanche is going to help you.
Standard: I will do it! I will do anything to protect my family!!
Christina Hendricks: I'm Blanche, but in case you forget, my earrings say my name on them.
[they ROB the pawn shop and Blanche takes the MONEY but Standard gets SHOT and it is VERY STARTLING]
Ryan Gosling: I will drive.
[they DRIVE and somehow GET AWAY]
Ryan Gosling: Why did they follow us?
Christina Hendricks: I don't know! I'm too attractive to know anything!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan Gosling: [puts on DRIVING GLOVES and THREATENS her]
Christina Hendricks: Okay, they were always going to rob us of the money. It was a setup. But I didn't know he'd get killed! I have to go put on my lip gloss.
[her fucking HEAD gets BLOWN OFF because there are THUGS outside the ROOM]
Ryan Gosling: [is the CALMEST PERSON in the WORLD]
Random Thug: Aaaargh! You stabbed me with the shower curtain rod!!!
Ryan Gosling: I am covered in blood. My scorpion jacket is covered in blood.
[he goes to a STRIP CLUB where the STRIPPERS have iPHONES]
Ryan Gosling: Hi. I have a hammer and a bullet, and I will hammer this bullet into your head if you don't tell me what the fuck is up.
Thug in Track Suit: I work for Ron Perlman! Call him!
Strippers: [complete BOREDOM]
Bryan Cranston: Ummmmm so I'm super-sorry about this but I sort of told Albert Brooks about this whole thing with the heist and since it turns out his partner is behind the whole thing you are kind of their target now. Sorry.
Carey Mulligan: My husband is dead now.
Ryan Gosling: I was trying to protect you.
[they get in the ELEVATOR and there is a BESUITED THUG there]
Ryan Gosling: Now I will kiss you.
[they KISS and it is PRETTY HOT but then he STOMPS the guy's HEAD in and WOW that is NOT HOT]
Ryan Gosling: I must warn my friend(?) Bryan Cranston.
Bryan Cranston: I will leave town!
Albert Brooks: No, you won't.
[he SLITS Bryan Cranston's WRISTS with a STRAIGHT RAZOR and SHIT it is gross]
Ryan Gosling: My only friend(?) is dead now. I must make sure that woman that I maybe love for no clear reason and her son are safe.
[he uses his DRIVING SKILLS to RUN Ron Perlman OFF THE ROAD]
Ron Perlman: I will run into the ocean to escape! Oh wait, no, I will be drowned.
Ryan Gosling: Now it's just you and me, Albert Brooks. Carey Mulligan, I must leave you.
[they LOOK at each other's BEAUTY]
Carey Mulligan: Goodbye.
[a SONG plays that is either the same song from BEFORE or another VERY SIMILAR SONG]
Albert Brooks: Meet me at a Chinese restaurant. There, I will collect the money. And then stab you.
Ryan Gosling: No, I will stab you.
[they STAB each other but Ryan Gosling is BETTER at STABBING and stays ALIVE]
Ryan Gosling: I guess I will continue to drive now.
[he LITERALLY drives off into the SUNSET though since they are in CALIFORNIA does that mean he is driving INTO THE SEA?]

The Green Hornet

[it is 1990]
Tom Wilkinson: Well, well, well, son. Looks like we're going to need some clunky exposition. I'll handle that. You're in trouble at school again. I know you're having a tough time with your mother's death, but I need to run this newspaper! Also, your name is Britt. Sorry about that.
Li'l Rogen: I hate you!!!!! I am going to rebel SO HARD later!!!
[it is LATER]
James Franco: Hey. I'm in this movie, doing a favor for my best bud, the Rog-man. And somehow everything I do is hilarious. And I'm taking over all the crime in this town. My name is even better: James Clear, and I sell crystal meth, so they call me "Crystal Clear." PRETTY GOOD. Sorry, Nazi dude. You're just not scary enough.
Christoph Waltz: Not scary enough? NOT SCARY ENOUGH???
[he SHOOTS Franco's henchmen with a DOUBLE-BARRELLED PISTOL and then fucking BLOWS the whole CLUB up]
Christoph Waltz: That's right, I'm fucking scary.
[meanwhile, in a HOTEL]
Seth Rogen: Woooooooooooooooooooo!! I'm rich and I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!
[he MAKES OUT with a HOT GIRL in every one of his DAD'S CARS in FAST MOTION like it is a MUSIC VIDEO]
Michel Gondry: Oui, I directed this.
Tom Wilkinson: I'm trying to clean up this city with my news reporting and you aren't doing anything to help! I'm going to take a walk in the garden to clear my head.
Seth Rogen: FINE, DAD, I HATE YOUUUU. I'm just going to drink this delicious, delicious coffee with a leaf drawn on the top.
News Report: Newspaper magnate Your Dad just died of a bee sting.
Seth Rogen: Nooooooooo! But I hated him!! But he was my dad! Conflict!!
[his coffee comes with NO LEAF and is GROSS]
Seth Rogen: Where's my fucking coffeeeeeee!
Maid: You fired everyone who worked for your father, though I'm not exactly sure why you would do that. Anyway, Kato, your dad's mechanic, used to make your coffee.
Kato: Yup. Check it.
[he shows him the COFFEE MACHINE and makes him a BETTER CUP]
Kato: Also I gave this one car polycarbonate windows, so you can't smash them.
Seth Rogen: Oh man! You are so cool! Let's get drunk in the garage and be buds!!
[they DO, and listen to RECORDS on the RECORD PLAYER in the CAR, because that is a THING]
Seth Rogen: I like you because you also hated my dad! Let's go cut the head off his statue!
[they DO, but also STOP some THUGS from a ROBBERY with PUNCHING and stylized FIGHTING]
Michel Gondry: Oui, zis is my movie.
Kato: Is that why everything looks weird and cool?
Michel Gondry: Oui.
Seth Rogen: I know! We can fight crime all the time! It would be so badass!
Kato: Um, I don't know.
Seth Rogen: Come on, dude! Live up to your potential! What do you want the name of your autobiography to be? Balls Deep in Shitkicking Dudes, by Kato? I would read that, and I don't read shit, but when they made the movie of it, I would see the shit out of it.*
Kato: Okay. As long as we can listen to "Gangsta's Paradise" on vinyl while we drive.
Seth Rogen: Absolutely.
[they become HEROES? but actually just drive their CAR into METH LABS and give people a BUSINESS CARD with their EMAIL ADDRESS on it]
Christoph Waltz: Who is this guy?
Seth Rogen: Ooh, and I can use my newly-inherited media empire to spread the gospel about this new criminal. We'll call him...THE GREEN BEE.
Staff: Um...that sucks.
Kato: How about THE GREEN HORNET.
Staff: Better.
[the NEWSPAPER is all about the GREEN HORNET because Seth Rogen RUNS it]
Christoph Waltz: The green hornet is ruining my crime empire!!!
Cameron Diaz: Oh, hey, I'm your temporary secretary. And I have a minor in criminology, so I should be really helpful on this Green Hornet thing.
Seth Rogen: Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn, you too FINE to be temporary! HIRED!
[she uses her MINOR in CRIMINOLOGY to PREDICT what the HORNET will do]
Seth Rogen: We got an email!! We got an email from the bad guy in our Hotmail account!!
[they LITERALLY SHOW the WINDOWS LIVE sign-in page]
Seth Rogen: Oh, now we have to go meet the big bad guy in a vacant lot. This should go well.
Kato: I don't know if we ---
Seth Rogen: I AM IN CHARGE, KATO.
[he BURIES them in a HOLE in their CAR but then they BLAST the car OUT and it is KIND OF COOL but they kill a HENCHMAN]
Christoph Waltz: You killed Chili, my favorite henchman! YOU WILL PAY.
Kato: Can I show off my fighting skills some more?
Michel Gondry: Oui.
[he DOES and it is COOL]
Seth Rogen: You think you're SO AWESOME with your karate skills and your car-building skills and shit. I was the one who suggested ejector seats!! And you went on a date with my secretary!
Kato: Oh, it was more than a date.
[they FIGHT over a WOMAN who is too hot for EITHER of them]
Kato: FINE. I'm OUT.
[meanwhile, in a WAREHOUSE]
Christoph Waltz: I have decided that my new name, instead of Chudnofsky, is now BLOODnofsky, and I will wear only red and have a catchphrase!! I'm not sure why!! Also I wear a gas mask!
DA Scanlon: Oh hey, Britt - I was hoping you could meet me at Compachi Hibachi on La Cienaga at 8:30 tonight to discuss me buying you off to make me look better in your paper. I mean...for dinner.
Email from Bad Guy: Hello, Green Hornet. I would like to hire you to kill Britt Reid. AT THE COMPACHI HIBACHI ON LA CIENAGA.
Kato: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
[they ALL go to Compachi Hibachi on La Cienaga]
DA Scanlon: I would like to pay you to print only good stories. I tried to get your dad to do the same, but he wouldn't, so I killed him.
Seth Rogen: Oh really? Because I just recorded you saying that, motherfucker!! It's all on this flash drive that looks like sushi!!
DA Scanlon: Oh REALLY? Because the Green Hornet is going to kill you!!
Kato: NOPE. Oh, and I forgive you.
Seth Rogen: Thanks. Let's kick ass. I have a gas gun.
Christoph Waltz: I'm ungassable!!*
[they have a SHOOT-OUT and literally the most LUDICROUS CAR CHASE in the ENTIRE WORLD that involves the NEWSPAPER PRINTING AREA and a GLASS ELEVATOR and only the FRONT HALF of the car driving around in a BUILDING]
Michel Gondry: Oui. Zis car chase is fantastique.
Seth Rogen: Now to upload the mp3 of DA Scanlon's confession onto the Internet, with my "Internet Upload" button!!
[there is NO DATA on the SUSHI DRIVE]
Seth Rogen: Well, I guess we have to kill him now??
[they DO, in the most INSANE manner POSSIBLE that involves the EJECTOR SEATS]
Seth Rogen: Yayyyyy! Now I will give the EIC job to the dude who deserves it, which isn't me.
[they RE-SOLDER the HEAD onto the STATUE of his DAD because he has CLOSURE?]

The Town

[it is BOSTON, DUH]
Bank Employees: La, la, la, working at the bank is so fun and ---AAAAAAA!!
[some ZOMBIE MONKEYS - well, guys in zombie monkey MASKS - come in and ROB the place]
Zombie Monkey: Awl right, down awn the fluah! You theah! Open this safe!
Rebecca Hall: I'm trying, but your accents are so thick! Waaaahhh!
[they KICK Victor Garber in the FACE and PISTOL-WHIP him]
Victor Garber: I'm just glad I'm working!!
Zombie Monkey: We ahhh takin you hawstage, bank lady! Get in the van! And shut up!!
Zombie Monkey Ben Affleck: Don't worry, we won't hurt you. Though we are bank robbers??
Zombie Monkey Jeremy Renner: What the fuck? Of cawse we'll hurt her if we hafta. I might fly off the handle at any moment!!
Zombie Monkey Ben Affleck: Give me a second, Renner, I'm trying to establish my character as being sympathetic!!
[they DO NOT, in fact, HURT her, but let her go at the BEACH]
[meanwhile, at the FBI]
Jon Hamm: Someone! Anyone! Do something about my hair! It's very Draper-y at the moment. Also, get me some leads on these bank robbers. They're very good.
Cable Guy: Someone messed with the cables here. He must work for the cable company.
Jon Hamm: That's a good lead, and I am very handsome!
[meanwhile, in a TOWNIE BAR]
Serena van der Woodsen: [unintelligible Bostonian gibberish]
Ben Affleck: I'm nawt in yah life no mawwwwwhhhh!
[they FUCK anyway]
Jeremy Renner: We gawta take cayuh of this fuckin toonie bank employee. I can't control my rage!!
Ben Affleck: Don't worry. I gawt this. Lemme just get my Bruins jersey and put it awn, because wheah ahhhh we? BAWSTON.
[he STALKS her, and then BEFRIENDS her at the LAUNDROMAT, because that's a GREAT PLAN]
Rebecca Hall: I was a hostage in a bank robbery the other day. I thought I should tell you, since we're on a date, and I feel really comfortable with you? I guess? Also, here's more information than you need about what I know about the bank robbery, which I'm sure you're not involved in, because that would be bizarre.
[they go to a COMMUNITY GARDEN, since she is apparently some sort of SAINT]
Ben Affleck: I gawta go, I gawta jawb to do.
[they rob AN ARMORED CAR in fucking BROAD DAYLIGHT and there is a MILDLY EXCITING car chase]
Jon Hamm: Goddamnit! We know who they all are, why can't we catch them?! I am handsome enough to catch anyone!!
[meanwhile, in CHARLESTOWN, which is in BOSTON, we are in BOSTON, look, there is the Bunker Hill Monument AGAIN]
Jeremy Renner: You bangin' that fuckin toonie hawstage we took? What the fuck!?!
Ben Affleck: I'm leavin' this whole fuckin town in my REAHVIEW.* I ain't doin' this no mawhhhh!
[he punches something with EMOTION]
Jeremy Renner: Yeah, well, remembah how my parents took you in when your fathah went away? That's exposition, bitch!
Ben Affleck: We're, like, two-thirds of the way through the movie. That would have been helpful earlier.
[meanwhile, at his GIRLFRIEND/HOSTAGE'S house]
Jon Hamm: btw, your boyfriend is a bank robber. He took you hostage. SORRY.
Rebecca Hall: What the fuuuuuuuuck?!
Ben Affleck: Listen, let me talk to you!
Rebecca Hall: Well...I COULD call the police, since you're a lying sack of shit and a possibly violent criminal...but I liked that time when we had sex. So, go ahead and talk.
Ben Affleck: I'm not a bad guy! Seriously! Run away with me!
Rebecca Hall: You really are terrible at life, aren't you?
[meanwhile, at the FLORIST'S]
Pete Postlethwaite: I'm a terrifying Irish florist who controls all you do. Oh, also, your mom didn't leave your dad, she killed herself. BURN!! Now, go rob another bank or I'll kill your girlfriend.
Ben Affleck: Well, if weahhh gawna do a last jawb, it bettah be a good one. Weahh hittin fuckin FENWAY PAAAAHHHHHHKKK.
[they devise a PLAN that involves MANY OUTFITS and MILLIONS of DOLLARS]
Jon Hamm: So, you like heroin?
Serena van der Woodsen: [unintelligible Bostonion heroin addict mumbo-jumbo]
Jon Hamm: Thanks, tits. TO FENWAY!
[they SURROUND the park and there is a SHOOTOUT and EVERYONE DIES except Affleck]
Ben Affleck: My gentle nature has allowed me to live!
Rebecca Hall [on phone]: I want to see you! There are no cops here!!
[there are like A BILLION cops]
Ben Affleck: Really?
Rebecca Hall: No, not really, here is some code only you will understand, so you can escape, because I love you? Even though our entire relationship was a lie? I think I was hypnotized by your manly chest and many tattoos.
[he BURIES a bunch of CASH in the COMMUNITY GARDEN where ONLY SHE will find it and then she uses it for an ICE RINK]
Rebecca Hall: I wonder if the ice rink people will wonder where I got all this cash? Oh well!

Updated to add: this is amazing.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (or, if directly translated from the Swedish, "Men Who Hate Women")

First of all: trigger warning. My friend Charlie, with whom I saw this, kept being like "there is rape and torture in this, is that okay, are you gonna be okay?" and I was like "dude, no bigs," but this movie was pretty disturbing in places. So just a heads up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is SWEDEN]
Old Man: What's this? A framed, pressed flower? It reminds me of something...and I weep.
Audience: I wonder what he is weeping about!!
[it is a COURTROOM]
News Reporter: And so the exposition falls to me. Blomkvist, who is a crack investigative magazine reporter, has been accused of libel against Wennerstrom, who is a big businessman, and this is only kind of related to the rest of the film, but here's a rather lengthy courtroom scene about it, and oh - he's guilty.
Blomkvist: Dang. I guess I better quit the magazine and go make meatballs with my niece. After all, I'm Swedish.
[meanwhile, someone is FOLLOWING him and INVESTIGATING him]
Frode, the Lawyer: So what did you come up with on Blomkvist? Any dirt? I hope you employed an impossibly thin, cool-haired goth chick to do your hacking.
Boss of the Investigating Company: It just so happens that we did!
Lisbeth: That's me. I hack shit. Also, I have a checkered past. Also, I'm on probation. But I won't tell you for what!! Not yet!!Because I am too mysterious!!!
[she gives them a DOSSIER of INFO, because the Swedes LOVE dossiers]
Frode: So, listen, Blomkvist, I have this case for you, and I know it's Christmas, or Jul, or whatever we call it, but I think you should come meet my client. He is an impressive businessman.
[they go to an ISLAND that only has ONE BRIDGE going to it. ONE. BRIDGE.]
Henrik Vanger: Hello. Audience, you may remember me as the weeping man from before. Let me fill you in on my family. Basically, they are all terrible, and some of them were Nazis, and I'm pretty sure one of them killed my beloved niece Harriet 40 years ago. She was your babysitter, Blomkvist. And I need you to find her killer, who has been sending me these pressed flowers every year to rub it in my face that he killed her.
Blomkvist: Uh...why me?
Henrik Vanger: You're out of a job now, and you don't have to go to jail for six months! Here's one bajillion kroner and an extremely poorly-heated cabin. Now, get investigating!
[meanwhile, LISBETH is still HACKING into his computer and SEEING all his GOOGLE MONTAGES, of which there are SEVERAL]
Blomkvist: [GOOGLES dramatically]
Lisbeth: Why am I still hacking into this guy's computer? Weird. Oh well, I'll go check in with my parole officer.
New Parole Officer: Sooooo your old parole officer was a big softie and let you do whatever you want. Me? I'm way more strict. And also creepy. Have you ever had sex?*
Lisbeth: Ummmmm you're gross.
New Parole Officer: I might be gross, but I have all the power, so you're gonna need to blow me.
[he FACE-RAPES her and it is TERRIBLE]
Lisbeth: No fucking way, dude.
[she goes to his HOUSE, which is like THE WORST idea, and he CHAINS her to his BED and RAPES her and it is REALLY AWFUL but it's KIND of okay because she CLEARLY has a VIDEO CAMERA in her BAG and you are like OH DAMN she is gonna exact some fucking REVENGE]
Lisbeth: Time for the revenge-exacting.
[she TIES him up and RAPES him with his own DILDO and BLACKMAILS him and TATTOOS him to say he is a SADISTIC PIG and a RAPIST]
Lisbeth: Suck on that, fucker.
[meanwhile, on the ISLAND of RICH PEOPLE]
Blomkvist: Okay. Now that I have my Law and Order style Wall of Suspects, I can really get cracking. We've got some uncles and some cousins. And some dead people. And not too many leads. But I AM able to enhance photos to a ridiculous amount on my Mac, so that's helpful.
[he uses TECHNOLOGY to figure out that Harriet SAW the person who wanted to KILL her at a PARADE, but then the technology RUNS out]
Blomkvist: Damn! Why aren't I in Blade Runner!!
Henrik: It's okay, you're doing really well! Don't forget that Harriet had a cousin that was her best friend that looked just like her!
[meanwhile, on the INTERNET]
Lisbeth: I just figured out that this weird list of names and numbers that Harriet had in her diary actually refers to Bible verses! I better tell the guy whose computer I'm hacking into.
[she sends him an EASILY TRACEABLE email and he FINDS her and there is a HUMOROUS SCENE involving COFFEE]
Blomkivst: So...I guess this is a buddy comedy now?
[they take a ROAD TRIP and figure out that the LIST is a list of UNSOLVED, SUPER BRUTAL murders]
Lisbeth: She figured it out! And was killed for it! But whodunnit!? Oh, also we should probably fuck or something. But I'm emotionally unavailable. So I hope that's okay.
Blomkvist: Um...I guess?
[someone tries to SHOOT Blomkvist, which means they are GETTING CLOSE]
Blomkvist: Wait a minute...all the girls who were killed had Jewish names! And there are Nazis in this family! And only one of them was still alive when she was killed...her reclusive uncle, Harald.
Lisbeth: I bet we can use the company's travel records to prove he was in the places where the murders occurred! I'll go check those out, and you go alone to break into the old crazy man's house in the middle of the night. That's a great plan.
Blomkvist: Awesome!
[he DOES, and almost gets SHOT again]
Martin, Harriet's Brother: Put the gun down, Uncle Harald! Come on, we can call the cops from my house.
Me: OH MY GOD BLOMKVIST DO NOT GO TO THAT GUY'S HOUSE!!
Lisbeth: Oh shit! These records prove that Harriet and Martin's dad did the murders! Which means...oh shit!!
[she rides her MOTORCYCLE with the SPEED of the WIND]
Martin: Here's some Scotch. And a punch in the face!!
Blomkvist: Whoaaa! Where am I? Is this a sexual torture dungeon?
Martin: It sure is! My dad taught me how to rape and murder, and now it's my favorite thing ever! And now I'm going to kill you, too! Wheeeeee!
Lisbeth: No way, dude.
[she CLOCKS him with a GOLF CLUB and it's PRETTY GREAT]
Martin: Peace out, bitches!
[he gets in his CAR but is INJURED and CAN'T DRIVE, so he CRASHES]
Lisbeth: Huh. So you're trapped in a car that's about to explode.
Martin: Help me! I know I killed more women than I can count, and based on the foreshadowing about your character, you were abused as a child, and also that whole brutal rape happened earlier, but help meeeeee!
Lisbeth: Um...no.
[he EXPLODES like he SHOULD]
Blomkvist: You didn't help him!?
Lisbeth: Duh. He hates women.
[she PEACES OUT, but not before leaving a CLUE that Harriet is ACTUALLY ALIVE in AUSTRALIA]
Blomkvist: Hey, you're uncle's looking for you.
Harriet: Oh. Right.
[they go see her UNCLE and it is SWEET at first but then she tells about the AWFUL THINGS her father and brother did to her and you are like DAMN RIGHT YOU WENT TO AUSTRALIA]
Henrik Vanger: I'm just glad I didn't die yet.
[some time LATER]
Lisbeth: Sorry you're in jail now. Here's some reading material. I'm gonna go see my mom, who was maybe put in a wheelchair by my terrible father? Who I maybe burned to death when I was like 11? In any event, I'm making progress.
Blomkvist: Hey, it's all the information I need to prove that my libel wasn't libel! Hooray!
[his name is CLEARED and it is RAD]
News Report: So Wennerstrom, you remember, the guy from the beginning? He really was being fraudulent, and then he killed himself. And then someone stole all his money from a Cayman Islands account, using technology. Here's some video footage of the unknown woman.
[Lisbeth STROLLS down a Cayman Islands BOARDWALK where everyone has a BRIEFCASE]

Guest Post: Body Heat

HOW IS THIS A REAL MOVIE? I almost don't believe it, but Laura McClain would never lie to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is the EARLY 80’s]
William Hurt: Phew. This heat wave sure is stifling. And so unexpected, in Florida!
Ted Danson: I’ll say! I had to use extra gel to keep my helmet of hair looking awesome.
[William Hurt GOES to COURT and LOSES a CASE because he is a shady, none-too-bright LAWYER]
William Hurt: Lawyering sure is complicated.
[he SMOKES in a NOIR manner as a SULTRY sax PLAYS, and GOES to an OUTDOOR concert to ILLUSTRATE that he is a LONER even in CROWDS]
William Hurt: Sure is hot out here…whaaaa?
[he SEES a SUPER hot DAME in a CLASSY white DRESS]
William Hurt: Why, hello there. What’s a tomato like you doing in a place like this?
Kathleen Turner: Me and my phone-sex voice are trying to get some air. Just don’t talk about the heat.*
William Hurt: Don’t normally see your type around here. You look well-tended.
Kathleen Turner: Ohhhh, I’m well-tended all right.*
William Hurt: Want a snowcone?
[she SPILLS it on her BOOB]
Kathleen Turner: What, you don’t want to lick it?*
[he CLEARLY does, but GOES for paper towels and she VANISHES]
William Hurt: Damn. Now I’m going to have to stalk her.
[he GOES to a BAR on her SWANKY side of TOWN and FINDS her there]
William Hurt: Hey there. Just thought I’d catch a drink/trade more repartee with you. Sometimes the shit comes down so hard I think I should wear a hat.*
Kathleen Turner: It would make you more noir.
[some RANDOMS stare at her because, HELLO, she is SUPER HOT]
William Hurt: You shouldn’t wear that body. *
Kathleen Turner: I’m leaving now. Don’t follow me. Unless you want to see my windchimes. That is not a euphemism.
[they GO to her MANSION to SEE the WINDCHIMES which clang EERILY]
Kathleen Turner: I’m married, you know. Not that it matters. Bye.
[he STARTS to LEAVE but FOLLOWS his BONER and LITERALLY SMASHES a WINDOW to get to HER]
Me, in the Audience: Ooooh! Scandalous!
[they seriously HAVE a TON of fairly AWESOME-LOOKING sex]
Kathleen Turner: I sure do hate my husband. He’s so cold and small. It’s a shame my youth and sweet, sweet ass are wasted on him.
William Hurt: Yeah, that sucks. Wanna do it?
[they DO]
Kathleen Turner: MAN, I hate my husband. If only I were free, life would be so much better. Also, he is super rich. So I would get a lot of money. If he were gone. Hint. Hint. HINT.
William Hurt: Them’s the breaks, I guess. Let’s take your panties off.
Kathleen Turner: Sigh.
Ted Danson: Hey! I haven’t seen you in a while. Are you getting laid? Tell me, your comedic relief sidekick friend.
[they HANG out with their OTHER friend who is not GOOFY but rather BLACK and HONORABLE]
William Hurt: Well, better get back to my woman. There she is, in the gazebo, with her back to me. Hey, lady, wanna fuck?*
Some Random Chick: Well, well, well. Sure!
William Hurt: Gah!
Kathleen Turner: Oh, you’ve met my friend Mary Ann! And you propositioned her! Ha ha! How incredibly awkward!
[everyone LAUGHS except William Hurt]
Kathleen Turner: You can’t stay here. I’m babysitting my sister-in-law’s kid. I hate her.
[William Hurt SHOWS up ANYWAY and Kathleen Turner BLOWS him]
Small Child: What am I witnessing? WEEP!
William Hurt: Whoops. I really need to work on this discretion thing.
[he GOES to a RESTAURANT and sees Kathleen Turner there with her HUSBAND]
William Hurt: Shit.
Clueless Husband: Come join us!
[they have an AWKWARD dinner where the HUSBAND reveals HIMSELF to be a) a JAG, b) kind of DUMB and c) suuuuuuper RICH]
William Hurt: You’re right, baby. We have to off him. I’ll go talk to my explosive experts friend Mickey Rourke.
Hot Mickey Rourke of Youth: What the hell happened to me??
[Kathleen and William SET their PLAN in MOTION, occasionally taking BREAKS to BONE]
Kathleen Turner: Let’s change his will, so I’ll get all the money.
William Hurt: It’s a good thing you’re hot, because that is seriously stupid.
[it is the MURDER night]
Clueless Husband: Hey! What’s that noise downstairs?
[he GRABS a GUN and Kathleen Turner is like SHIT, where did you GET that]
William Hurt: Aaaaaaa!
[he LEAPS out of a CLOSET and BEATS him to DEATH]
Kathleen Turner: Awesome!
William Hurt: Now to drive his corpse to an abandoned restaurant and blow it up with my Mickey Rourke explosives.
[he DOES]
William Hurt’s Secretary: There’s a very, very sulty-voiced woman on the phone. She wants you to go to a will reading.
William Hurt: Quaaaaa?
[he GOES and FINDS out that Kathleen Turner used his LAWERLY INCOMPETENCE to get all the MONEY]
William Hurt: You’re nuts!
Kathleen Turner: [shaking his hand in a PARKING LOT] I want you more now than I ever have.*
Me: Damn, she’s good.
Ted Danson: I feel I should tell you that our black and honorable friend, the detective, is investigating you for murder.
[he DANCES for COMIC RELIEF, leading me to CALL him “Ted Dancin’ ” for the REMAINDER of the FILM]
Honorable Black Detective: The pieces don’t add up. Where were the murder victim’s glasses?
William Hurt: Where are the glasses??
Kathleen Turner: The maid stole them! She is blackmailing me!
William Hurt: I have grown suspicious of you and your motives.
Honorable Black Detective: We have a witness to Kathleen Turner’s alleged affair. Her niece saw her blowing some dude in short shorts. You also wear short shorts.
William Hurt: Dude, it’s 1980. I also have a porn star mustache.
[he REMAINS calm but then WIGS out to Kathleen]
Kathleen Turner: I love you! Everything will be fine! Go to the boathouse to get the glasses - the maid put them there.
William Hurt: You’re trying to kill me! Mickey Rourke told me you went on an explosives-buying spree!
Kathleen Turner: No! I’ll prove it!
[she GOES to the BOATHOUSE which EXPLODES]
William Hurt: Noooooooo!
[later, in JAIL]
William Hurt: [WAKING with a START] She’s alive!*
Honorable Black Detective: That’s stupid. We found a charred corpse in the boathouse.
William Hurt: No! It was her friend Mary Ann that I hit on earlier in the movie! She switched identities with her and then killed her and put her body in the boathouse! It’s so obvious now!
[he REQUESTS a high school yearbook and SEES that his CRAZY THEORY is TRUE]
[MEANWHILE, on a TROPICAL beach]
Some Dude: Sure is hot out here, huh?
Kathleen Turner: [looks WISTFUL, though she is STINKING RICH now]

Shutter Island

First of all: there are obvs spoilers up in this piece. I actually had this movie semi-spoiled for me by someone on my Facebook feed the weekend it opened (bad form, by the by), so I read the Wikipedia article to see what the ending was, not really intending to see the movie. It's the kind of film that, if one of my friends wanted to go see it in the cinema, I would go, and gladly, but I wouldn't go of my own volition. Then my roommate brought a bootleg copy home, so I watched it. And you know what? I really liked it, even knowing (most) of the ending.

Also: best use of a one-note musical phrase since Terminator. So scary!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is EXTREMELY FOGGY]
Leonardo DiCaprio: So we gotta investigate this island for the criminally insane. I'm not sure why they're sending me here with a brand-new partner, but I'm sure we'll work well together. Also, my wife died, FYI.
Mark Ruffalo: Right, boss. I am as ruggedly handsome as the cliffs of this scary island are simply rugged.
[they ARRIVE and it is SUPER CREEPY]
Drew Carey's Brother: Surrender your firearms, and all your hope.
Leo: What?
DCB: Um...nothing. Also, the only way to get on or off the island is at this one dock. Just so everyone knows.
[there is SCARY MUSIC]
Ben Kingsley: Welcome to my island. A woman named Rachel Solando has escaped, but as you can see, the rocky terrain would make it very difficult for her to leave the island. She drowned her kids and is living in a fantasy world. Phew, I think that's all the exposition we need, maybe.
Leo: Where's her main psychiatrist?
Ben Kingsley: He, uh, went on vacation.
Michelle Williams: I am your dead wife in a dream and I am telling you that this woman is still on the island and so is this other guy who supposedly doesn't exist wooooo I am deaaaaad!!
Leo: Hmm. My dead dream-wife sounds really sensible. I'm sure this mystery man, Andrew Laeddis, is here.
[they CLIMB AROUND on the island looking for her]
Leo: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!!
Group Therapy Members: GET AWAY FROM HERE!!
Leo: Something weird is going on here.
Mark Ruffalo: Sure, boss.
Ben Kingsley: Oh, wait, we found the supposedly-escaped woman.
Emily Mortimer: What are you doing in my house? I am crazy.
Leo: Something VERY WEIRD is going on here.
[he BREAKS IN to a SECRET WARD]
That Pedophile-Lookin' Dude: You beat me up! Look at my face! You did this!
Leo: What? Huh? What? I just need to find Andrew Laeddis!
[some SCARY MUSIC plays]
Mark Ruffalo: Oh, look, I found the intake form for Andrew Laeddis. You can just read it and see what it says and then this mystery will be solved.
Leo: Um...maybe later.
Mark Ruffalo: Dude. This is, like, a key piece of evidence. Look at it!
Leo: LATER!! I need to concentrate on formulating my Nazi conspiracy theory!!
[they SCALE some CLIFFS and Mark Ruffalo FALLS, maybe]
Leo: Noooooooooooooooo! My newly-appointed partner who I feel so close to that I must scale these cliffs to saaaaaaaaaaaave!!!
[he goes in a CAVE]
Patricia Clarkson: Sup. I'm in a cave, and I have awesome dark hair, and I'm super hot, though I am 50. I am the real Rachel Solando, and I was a psychiatrist here, and I confirm all of your Nazi conspiracy suspicions!!
Leo: I was right about the Nazi conspiracies! I must save my partner! He must be in the lighthouse where they do the Nazi experiments!
[he SWIMS to the lighthouse and it is THRILLING]
Ben Kingsley: So, hey, listen. You know how you think you're a U.S. Marshal and you were investigating an escape and you were trying to find Andrew Laeddis? Turns out you're Andrew Laeddis and you have been here for two years because your wife drowned your kids and then you killed her.
Leo: Wait, whaaaaaaaa?
Mark Ruffalo: Hey, boss. I'm actually your psychiatrist, not your partner.
Leo: Huuuuhhhhh???
Ben Kingsley: We wanted to let you play out your fantasy so we could cure you, otherwise the board is gonna make us lobotomize you. So are you cured?
Leo: Um...yes?
Mark Ruffalo: What's our next move, boss?
Leo: Well, it looks like this conspiracy goes deeper than I thought! Would you rather live as a monster or die as a good man?*
[presumably, they SNIP his BRAIN and he is a ZOMBIE]