Spencer

This one was kind of a toughie. I didn’t HATE it, but there were many times when I was like “BITCH JUST GO TO DINNER,” and then felt insensitive to Diana’s mental health struggles. Sometimes it’s hard to make ourselves do things that on the surface seem very easy! And I guess if she had actually GONE to dinner we wouldn’t have much of a movie, because about 90% of it is her psyching herself up to go to dinner and then not doing it. And the food didn’t look good, but still. Try to go to dinner, babe. This weekend will be over soon. 

***

[it is the EARLY 90s but ALSO some kind of DREAMLIKE ASTRAL PLANE]

KStew: Alas, it is time to attend the annual Windsor Family Christmas Extravaganza. And I’m lost, again. Symbolically. 
[she DRIVES in a CONVERTIBLE as her wig FLUTTERS in the BREEZE and STOPS to ask for DIRECTIONS, a PAINFUL reminder of LIFE pre-Siri]
KStew: Hello, can anyone tell me where your neighborhood castle is?
British Diner Patrons: [STARE in SILENCE]
KStew: Right-ho. 
[she HAPPENS UPON a scarecrow in a FIELD and STARES at it while LOOKING WOUNDED]
The Castle Chef: Hello, your highness. I’m just out on a quail-scavenging trip or something. Allow me to escort you to your weekend of good old-fashioned family togetherness.
KStew: Fuuuuuck.
Stern Butler: Ugh, it's you. Time for the annual Windsor Good-Time Eating Disorder Activator. One must gain three pounds this weekend. For the fun of it all. 
[she SITS on a SCALE because this FAMILY is TAILOR-MADE to TRIGGER her]
Sally Hawkins: Your highness! I have been assigned as your dresser again this Christmas. DO NOT LET THEM BREAK YOU. 
KStew: THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE
[she SEES a BOOK about Anne Boleyn in her ROOM which, is a real TROLL by the Royal Family]
Prince Chuckles: Happy Christmas Eve. Here are some pearls.
KStew. Thx I guess. 
The Entire Royal Family: [sits in judgmental silence]
[KStew IMAGINES DUMPING her pearls into her PEA soup and CHOMPING them up, which actually LOOKS like an IMPROVEMENT to that Nickelodeon SLIME MONSTROSITY]
Wills and Harry: Mummy! Happy Christmas!
[she GIVES them normal-kid PRESENTS which is NICE because they probably GET like, BREECHES and HAUNTED PALACES from their grandparents]
KStew: My childhood manor is right ‘round the bend. Perhaps I will go there, in the middle of the night. 
[she ALMOST gets SHOT by palace guards for her SKULKING]
[it is CHRISTMAS MORNING and she WEARS a HAT and LOOKS DOWNTRODDEN when she SEES Camilla]
Prince Chuckles: Can you maybe chill out a little and stop being late to everything and speaking in like, vague metaphors?
KStew: [SLAMS her HANDS on the pool table in IMPOTENT RAGE]
Prince Chuckles: I’m going to take our gentle sons pheasant hunting tomorrow morning to make them more like me.
Some Maid: I am here with yet more dresses for you to wear, ma’am. 
KStew: WHERE IS MY BFF SALLY HAWKINS, DON’T YOU SEE I’M HANGING ON BY A THREAD.
Some Maid: Chuckles has sent her away. For your own good. And we’ve stapled  your curtains closed so no one can see in. Also for your own good. 
KStew: I simply can’t go to dinner, even in this amazing gown. They’ll kill me like they did Anne Boleyn! 
[she IMAGINES CUTTING her ARM with a SEAM RIPPER as the AUDIENCE SCREAMS]
Literally Everyone: Time for dinner. 
KStew: I CANNOT.
[she PUTS on the SCARECROW coat and GOES to her DUSTY CHILDHOOD home where she HALLUCINATES her YOUTHFUL self and CONTEMPLATES THROWING herself down the STAIRS which is her SIGNATURE MOVE]
Sally Hawkins: I’ve been called back because everyone knows you’re losing it like whoa. Let’s go to the beach. I am in love with you.
KStew: [LAUGHS with DELIGHT and it’s CUTE]

KStew: Knowing I am loved has given me confidence. I will rescue my children from the pheasant shoot! And put my yellow princess suit on that scarecrow in an astonishing act of symbolism! 

[she TAKES Wills and Harry to KFC in her SPORTS car and it’s a JARRING reminder that it’s the 90s and not OLDEN TIMES]

Phantom Thread

 

Listen, I can’t claim to truly understand any Paul Thomas Anderson film. To be perfectly honest, we’re probably not supposed to. Film nerds always need something to dissect and I do enjoy a lot of his work, except Magnolia which can GTFO. And it’s always nice to see DDL’s hot face unobscured by voluminous mustaches or Lincoln beards. So I think I liked this movie? I like clothes and chilly men, and I can certainly sympathize with the effects of eating something that REALLY doesn’t agree with you. 

***

[it is a GLAMOROUS time filled with LOUD and ATONAL music]

Daniel Day-Lewis: It is I, Reynolds Woodcock, an elegant couture designer with the name of an amateur porn star. 

[he actually CREATES a COUTURE gown because DDL doesn’t PHONE it in, BITCHES]

His Lover: You never talk to me at breakfast anymore. 

His Sister: Shall I get rid of her?

DDL: [without LOOKING UP] Mmhmm.

[he dons FUSCIA SOCKS and goes to some kind of INN where Alma, a waitress, SMILES at him and immediately FALLS DOWN]

DDL: That was adorkable. Now to my breakfast! Here is the list of meats I would like to consume. Recite it back to me. 

[she DOES without BREAKING his GAZE and it is STRANGELY INTENSE as all their INTERACTIONS shall BE] 

DDL: You passed my test. Let's go on a date.

[they RIDE in his FANCY car and GO to DINNER]

DDL: My mother is dead. I find it comforting to think of her ghost watching me. Let me take off your lipstick. I like to see who I’m talking to.*

[they GAZE some more and I’m REMINDED that DDL doesn’t get enough RECOGNITION for being a damn SMOKESHOW ZADDY]

DDL: Now I shall give you the full Woodcock, meaning I will make a dress for you.

[they GO to his STUDIO and he DRAPES fabric and it’s MILDLY erotic until his SISTER weirdly SHOWS UP to TAKE notes]

DDL: You have no breasts.*

Alma: :(

DDL: Don’t worry, it’s my job to give them to you.*

Alma: :)

[she BECOMES his MUSE and LOVER and MOVES into his HOUSE where she MODELS his SUMPTUOUS dresses but also HELPS to MAKE them(?)]

Alma: Good morning! La la la!

[she BUTTERS her toast and POURS tea which is APPARENTLY UNBEARABLE]

DDL: Such noise! My day is ruined!

His Sister: He needs his reflection time in the morning! Only I know this, due to our bizarrely close relationship. 

Alma: I think he’s too fussy.*

[DDL has a FITTING with a RICH MATRON and she PASSES out DRUNK at a PARTY wearing his DRESS]

Alma: She doesn’t deserve your genius! I will pry it from her unconscious body.

DDL: You get me. I love you but also hate myself, as all geniuses do, and will take it out on you so just a head's up on that.

Alma: I want to prepare DDL a special dinner, just for the two of us. Can you leave the house so we can be alone?

His Sister: [STARES in CONFUSION]

[it is the FATEFUL dinner]

DDL: Where is everyone? What is going on? Why is this asparagus made with BUTTER when you know I prefer oil and salt? Why are you trying to destroy me?!

Alma: I just want to love you!

[instead of LEAVING his BITCHY ASS, she GETS the BRIGHT IDEA to LIGHTLY POISON him with some MUSHROOMS she PICKED earlier]

Alma: Here’s some normal, fungi-free tea.

[he COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY on a WEDDING dress he is MAKING for a LITERAL PRINCESS]

Alma: I will care for you!

DDL: Oh God, it’s coming out of both ends. The agony!

[he TOSSES ABOUT and HALLUCINATES his MOTHER because he is also SUFFERING from Mommy Issues Disease]

His Sister: I brought the doctor. Can he examine him?

DDL: Get the fuck out.*

Alma: You heard him. I am all that he needs!

[it is the NEXT morning]

DDL: My night of explosive diarrhea has made me realize how much I do in fact need you. Marry me!

Alma: I did it!

[they GET MARRIED and exactly ZERO things are FIXED cause that’s NOT how marriage WORKS]

DDL: You still butter your toast too loudly. And sometimes you bring me tea and want to go dancing. You've ruined my life!

Alma: Fuck this. I know how to make him love me again - thorough the power of poison. 

[she LEVELS up and puts a WHOLE mushroom in his OMELET]

DDL: Thanks for this omelet. It looks intriguing. 

[they STARE at each other for like, EVER and it is TENSE, and then he EATS it]

DDL: I knew about the diarrhea poison the whole time. Thanks for physically weakening me so I can finally accept your caretaking. I love you, Mommy.

Alma: I love you too. This is what love is. 

DDL: Now you’d better get out of here darling, before I’m sick.* 

[she CARESSES him as he SITS on the TOILET, but he’s not like, ACTUALLY using it in this ROMANTIC MOMENT, just to CLARIFY]

*actual line from movie

Gentleman's Agreement

You know, while I blow it some grief for being rather ham-fisted in its approach, I do have to give this movie props for attempting to take on an absolutely enormous issue like five minutes after the greatest human rights atrocity in modern history. I don't find it to be entirely successful, but the attempt is very admirable. Also Gregory Peck is a smokeshow, which is basically why I watched it, TBH. 

***

[It is 1948, maybe too CLOSE to the war for this movie to HAVE the proper perspective]

Gregory Peck: Well son, we live in New York now. Daddy’s been hired to write for a magazine. It’s sad that your mom is dead.

Freckle-Faced Son: Sure is, pops!

Gregory Peck’s Mom: Good thing I’m here to take care of you two knuckleheads! 

Gregory Peck: Time to go to work!

His Editor: Say, I’ve got a crackerjack assignment for you. I think we should write about antisemitism. It’s a hot-button issue.

Gregory Peck: Yeah, since the Holocaust literally JUST happened!

20th Century Fox: DON’T MENTION THE HOLOCAUST, LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

[Gregory Peck GOES to a party where he MEETS the editor’s niece Kathy, who in the GRAND TRADITION of old movies could be ANYWHERE from 25 to 55 BASED on general styling]

Kathy: Well hi there. I suggested that my uncle run the piece on antisemitism. Let’s fall in love, shall we?

Gregory Peck: And how!

[they are INSTANTLY in love for no REASON I can UNDERSTAND]

Freckle-Face Son: Hey Pops, what’s antisemitism? 

Gregory Peck: Hmm. I cannot explain this easily to you, so I must take the assignment. But I can’t find the angle! 

[he PACES around his apartment in a three-inch-long tie]

Gregory Peck: If only my old childhood chum Dave could help me! He’s way Jewish. But he is at Army. 

[he WRITES Dave a letter while REFLECTING on the fact that Dave doesn’t LOOK all that Jewish or something which GIVES him a great idea]

Gregory Peck: I know! I’ll live as a Jewish man for six months. And by “live as” I mean I’ll just sort of sternly tell people I’m Jewish after they’ve said something offensive and temporarily change my name to Greenstein. Then I’ll know everything. 

Mom: [NODS wisely]

Gregory Peck: Now, to begin my life as a Jewish man. 

Kathy: I'm so proud of you! But wait, just to confirm, you’re not...REALLY Jewish are you?

[she SHRINKS away ever so SLIGHTLY for foreshadowing]

Gregory Peck: Huh.

[it is the OFFICE]

Gregory Peck: Secretary, I want you to write two letters to an employment agency – one from a real red-blooded American name and one from a stereotypically Jewish name. Let’s see which one gets an interview.

June Havoc, aka Dainty June from Gypsy: Hey, that’s what I did to get this job. I am secretly Jewish. Gross, right?

Gregory Peck: So am I! 

[various people are CAGILY anti-Semitic in a “wink wink” kind of WAY while Peck RESPONDS in his STERN Atticus Finch VOICE]

Celeste Holm: Here I am, a fabulous fashion editor awash in hats and quips. Let’s have a martini! I couldn't care less that you are Jewish, you handsome, handsome man.

Kathy: But I kind of do! Even though I know you are not. We got engaged somewhere in here, I guess and I don’t want you to continue your experiment at the party my WASP sister is throwing for us. It’s just TOO REAL. 

[they HAVE the first of many FIGHTS]

John Garfield: It’s me, Dave, your token Jewish friend, here to visit and be surprisingly cool with your mildly offensive journalism gimmick. I shall tell you what it is like to be Jewish.

[he LAYS IT OUT and also FIGHTS yet another anti-Semitic piece of SHIT at a restaurant]

Celeste Holm: You two Jewish boys are all right! 

Freckle-Face Son: Say pop, are we Jewish? 

Gregory Peck: Kind of?

Freckle-Face Son: Okey dokey, I guess. 

Gregory Peck: Hey honey, my old pal Dave and his family need a place to stay. People won’t rent to his family because he truly has to live life as a Jewish man in 1948 and isn’t on some Tyra Banks-esque lark. Can they live in your family’s empty country home for a while?

Kathy: They wouldn’t understand! They WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND!

Gregory Peck: The fuck?

[they BREAK UP maybe? but he still GOES for his journalist EXPERIMENT to the place where they were going to HONEYMOON because apparently they don’t ADMIT Jews]

Gregory Peck: Do you or do you not accept Jews?!*

Hotel Manager: [STARES impassively]

Freckle-Face Son: Pop, some boys from school chased me and called me dirty words because I am maybe Jewish. Why would they do that to me? Why, Pop?

[it is LEGITIMATELY sad]

Kathy: No, Billy, no! You’re no more Jewish than I!*

Gregory Peck: What the FUCK.

[they BREAK UP for real, FINALLY]

Celeste Holm: I know it’s not my place, but I don’t think Kathy is the right woman for you. She's clearly a bigot and her hats aren't even that cute. 

[her eyes GLISTEN with UNREQUITED LOVE tears]

The Editor: What a page-turner, Peck! You really outdid yourself.

Dainty June: Whaaaa? You’re not Jewish?! But I thought you were a [insert terrible slur] like me!

Gregory Peck: Look at me! Don’t I have the same face, the same hands as I did when you thought I was Jewish?*

[he MANSPLAINS antisemitism, to her, a Jewish person]

Kathy: I’m not an anti-Semite, right John Garfield?

John Garfield: No, not outright, but when people make terrible jokes do you say something? Do you stand up for people when they are discriminated against? The worst kind of people are the nice people who do nothing.

[I NOD along, ASHAMED of myself for the JOKES I have made whilst WRITING this]

Kathy: I’ve been so wrong! Gregory Peck, I’m sorry. Your Jewish friend can live in our family home. 

Gregory Peck: Hooray! We are in love again.

Celeste Holm: I guess I’ll just win an Oscar for this movie. I mean, I was fine in it. 

[antisemitism is SOLVED thanks to one BRAVE WASP]

*actual line from movie

Legends of the Fall

This is my family's favorite movie. My dad would always insist on playing the soundtrack on long car rides, making our trips through rural Illinois to visit my grandparents seem majestic and deeply emotional. I was never really a fan (Brad Pitt eats a heart at one point, which is a big no thanks) but I did enjoy this rewatch.

**

[it is MONTANA, in the PAST]
One Stab [in VO]: Hello. I am here to tell you the tale of three brothers. And I thiiiiiink I’m a pretty respectful portrayal of a Native person?
[we HEAR the BACKSTORY of the Ludlow family in which Anthony Hopkins STOPS being an Army Colonel because he HATES the TRAIL OF TEARS and BUILDS a MANSION in the MIDDLE of NOWHERE and has THREE SONS and his WIFE is like “Smell ya later, I’m going back to civilization,” and Strapping Baby Brad Pitt MAIMS a GRIZZLY on an ADVENTURE so you KNOW he’s the COOL one]
One Stab [in VO]: The boys were BFFs and nothing could ever, ever, EVER tear them apart.
[it is LATER]
Elliott from E.T.: Hello, family! I am home from Harvard, and I have brought along my beautiful fiancé, Hubris. I mean “Susannah.”
[Aidan Quinn STARES at her like a SEX MURDERER]
Julia Ormond: What a beautiful landscape! I know I’ll be happy here with my boyish husb- wuh wuh wuh WUHHH?
[Brad Pitt APPEARS across the VISTA on a HORSE, with FLOWING FLAXEN LOCKS and ROUGHSHOD CHARM in TOW]
Julia Ormond: Holy SHIT.
[she LEARNS the WAY of the LAND cause she’s NOT like the OTHER GIRLS]
Anthony Hopkins: [CHOMPING on a GIANT CIGAR] What a treat to have a woman in the house again. Surely this will have no tragic consequences!
[Julia Ormond longingly WATCHES Brad Pitt TAME a WILD and SYMBOLIC horse]
Elliott from E.T.: I have enlisted in the army, due to my idealism.
Anthony Hopkins: You’re a damned fool! You’re the wimpiest one!
Julia Ormond: Please go protect him, Brad Pitt.
[she WEEPS and he HOLDS her in his MUSCULAR grip and they ALMOST KISS]
Aidan Quinn: [LURKING in the SHADOWS] Whaaaa?!
[it is WAR]
Elliott from E.T. [via letter]: It’s very gross here and I keep peeing my pants with fear. Maybe this was a bad idea.
[there are VIOLENT MONTAGES of his BROTHERS not LETTING him do ANYTHING on the field of BATTLE, some of which I FAST-FORWARDED]
Aidan Quinn: Our brother has joined a suicide mission to prove his bravery! You’re supposed to be supervising!
[Elliott DIES, obviously, and Brad Pitt is EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED and maybe EATS his HEART? and EVENTUALLY the BROTHERS return HOME to BEGIN their RIFT]
Aidan Quinn: This is kind of awkward, seeing as you’re basically my brother’s widow, but I love you. Please marry me.
Julia Ormond: :/
[she BONES Brad Pitt INSTEAD and they SPEND a LOT OF TIME brushing their LUSCIOUS LOCKS out of each other’s FACES]
Aidan Quinn: You’ll never make her happy. But you also have to marry her.
Brad Pitt: I will do both of those things.
[he DOES NOT]
Aidan Quinn: I'll show you all! I’m going to Helena to become a capitalist!
[MEANWHILE, Brad Pitt and Julia Ormond HERD cattle and BATHE in RIVERS and have NO FUN EVER, and he is CATATONIC]
Emo Brad Pitt: Since I almost accidentally murdered you because of my PTSD, I’m leaving now. To where I know not.
Julia Ormond: I’ll wait for you forever.*
[he PEACES OUT and the MUSIC is SO LOUD]
One Stab [in VO]: He had to find his destiny, like the rocks that meet the river and the sun shining in the sky and the mountains reaching to the heavens, and the bears feasting on children in the woods.
[Julia Ormond WRITES Brad Pitt LETTERS in her MIND and we see MONTAGES of him being DASHED ABOUT on SHIPS and MURDERING exotic ANIMALS for TUSKS]
Emo Brad Pitt [via LETTER]: I am dead, emotionally. Marry someone else.
Julia Ormond: WEEP.
Aidan Quinn: You always loved him more, Daddy! He stole my girlfriend and he killed our brother.
[Anthony Hopkins ROARS in ANGUISH and has an TRAUMA STROKE and it is SAD]
One Stab [in VO and I just REALIZED that he NEVER actually TALKS]: I heard a stirring in the winds and a beating in the heart of the land and other mystical stuff.
[Brad Pitt CRESTS a HILL yet again with a MILLION HORSES because this ASSHOLE always has to MAKE an ENTRANCE]
Brad Pitt: I’m ho-o-o-me! I shall never explain how I overcame my man pain. Here are some tusks. Look at my hair!
[it is BEAUTIFUL]
The Ranch Hand: Julia Ormond moved to Helena to marry your brother, who finally wore her down. He’s a congressman!
Isabel Two: Welcome home, Brad Pitt. It’s me, the hot daughter of the ranch hand who loved you as a young girl and who wasn’t brought up earlier in this recap because this movie is so long.
Brad Pitt: SCHWING.
[they FALL in LOVE via MONTAGE and get MARRIED and have BEAUTIFUL children]
Ranch Hand: You don’t really have any work skills so maybe become a bootlegger?
[he DOES and doesn’t PLAY by the RULES and the “corporate” BOOTLEGGERS are PISSED, but I wasn’t REALLY paying ATTENTION at this part]
Brad Pitt: Hello, Aidan Quinn and Julia Ormond. Nice to see you at this county fair as I frolic with my perfect family.
[she has ZERO CHILL and it’s like GIRL, get AHOLD of yourself]
Brad Pitt: Tra la, back to the ranch, family!
[they are FOLLOWED by the COPS who are in the POCKETS of the EVIL BOOTLEGGERS(?) and there is a STANDOFF and Isabel Two is KILLED by a ROGUE BULLET and it is HORRIBLE]
Brad Pitt: NOT AGAAAAAAAIN!
[he BEATS everyone UP and GOES to JAIL for a WHILE]
Brad Pitt: I know what I must do.
[there is a STRESSFUL MONTAGE where he and his RANCH BROS go on a MIDNIGHT REVENGE RAID interposed with Julia Ormond WEEPING at HERSELF in the MIRROR and CUTTING OFF her HAIR]
Brad Pitt: [SCALPS the shooter GUY, like I get that you’re MAD but HOLY SHIT, dude]
Julia Ormond: [SHOOTS herself]
Aidan Quinn: I played by all the rules and you played by none of them, and they all loved you more.*
The Evil Bootlegger: We’re here to kill you, Brad Pitt.
Anthony Hopkins: [unintelligible BEAR ROAR]
[the OLD BOY still has some GRIT in him, and SHOOTS most of THEM and then Aidan Quinn SHOOTS the main one UNEXPECTEDLY from BEHIND the HOUSE because the Ludlows will ALWAYS be BROTHERS even when they all BANG the same GIRL]
Aidan Quinn: Let’s have a reconciliation in front of these three corpses. Now let’s go bury them in the woods…as a family.
[they DO that GUY thing where they HUG AGGRESSIVELY and CRY-LAUGH and MEANWHILE the BODIES are just LYING there]
One Stab [VO]: Yes indeed, the body count was high for everyone that loved Brad Pitt. He was the rock they broke themselves against.*
[it is the FUTURE and OLD MAN Brad Pitt is MAULED to DEATH in SLOW MOTION by a GRIZZLY that is MAYBE the SAME one from the BEGINNING of the MOVIE but I’m not an EXPERT on the LIFESPAN of GRIZZLIES]
One Stab [VO]: It was a good death.*
My Family: [LEAPS to their FEET APPLAUDING]

*actual line from movie

Rebecca (1940)

 

COVID hasn't quite driven me to watch the Netflix version of this movie yet. All I know is that Armie Hammer wears an enormous mustard-colored suit, which is really all I need to hear. Maxim de Winter would NEVER. 

Perhaps Laurence Olivier wore a mustard suit in this version as well, but we'll never know. His suits are just another mystery of this very mysterious film. 

** 

[we OPEN on a BURNED-OUT shell of a MANSION, which is DEFINITELY not a SPOILER]

Joan Fontaine VO: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.* 

[FLASHBACK to Laurence Oliver TEETERING over a ROCKY CLIFF, Winslet-style]

Joan Fontaine: No, please! Don’t do it! 

Laurence Olivier: Who are you? I was having a dramatic moment! 

[she RUNS AWAY and meets up with her Dowager Boss at their FANCY hotel]

Dowager Boss: I’m paying you to be my companion, not climb around on cliffs! Ugh, I hate you. 

Joan Fontaine: It’s OK, I hate me too, for I am the meekest, most self-loathing wet blanket in cinema history. 

Laurence Olivier: Now I am in a tuxedo and feeling all better. And who might you be? 

Joan Fontaine: Oh my, I don't have a name! I don't deserve one. 

Laurence Olivier: Now that we are alone, I must thank you for interrupting my suicide. As a reward I will speak faster than the Micro Machines guy and take you on dates against your will. 

Joan Fontaine: <3

[the Dowager ABRUPTLY decides they have to LEAVE and Joan Fontaine is HEARTBROKEN]

Joan Fontaine: I’m sorry to disturb you while you’re in the shower, but I am going away forever.

Laurence Olivier: Well that won’t do. Why don’t you stay with me?

Joan Fontaine: Do you need a secretary or something?*

Laurence Olivier: I’m asking you to marry me, you little fool.* 

[OBVIOUSLY she cannot RESIST this AMAZING proposal and they are MARRIED]

Dowager Boss: HA! Good luck living up to his first wife, whose death destroyed him. She had a first name. It was...REBECCA.

Joan Fontaine: REBECCA.

[they GO to Manderley, his IMPOSING mansion]

Mrs. Danvers: WELCOME TO THE HOUSE, MADAM. I SHALL BE RUNNING THINGS AS I RAN THEM FOR THE FIRST MRS. DE WINTER.

[she is ICE-COLD and Joan Fontaine is INTIMIDATED but then again, she is INTIMIDATED by literally EVERYTHING]

Mrs. Danvers: I HOPE YOU WILL BE COMFORTABLE IN THIS ROOM. THIS OF COURSE WAS NOT HER ROOM, HER ROOM WAS BETTER. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO IN THAT ROOM.

[Joan Fontaine BREAKS a statue and HIDES the pieces in TERROR even though its TECHNICALLY HER statue now**]

Joan Fontaine: Let’s go for a walk by the sea, darling! Oh no, the dog ran away! I’ll fetch him!

Laurence Olivier: No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[she FOLLOWS the DOG to a CREEPY SHED and is UNSETTLED]

Laurence Olivier: DID YOU GO TO THE SHED

Joan Fontaine: Why are you so angry? What have I done? Why am I such a sentient trash bag?

[he APOLOGIZES like a CLASSIC ABUSER]

Joan Fontaine: I am mysteriously drawn to Rebecca. Perhaps I shall check out the West Wing.

Mrs. Danvers: HELLO. I WAS JUST LURKING BY THE DOOR, AS ONE DOES. I KNEW YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE HER ROOM.

[the ROOM is OPULENT and LITERALLY everything is MONOGRAMMED with an “R” like, we GET IT, Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: LOOK AT HOW SEXY HER NIGHTIE WAS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TOUCH IT? IN ITS SEXY PARTS?

[she FONDLES the NIGHTIE]

Mrs. Danvers: DO YOU THINK THE DEAD WATCH OVER THE LIVING?* I BET SHE WATCHES YOU FUCK AND THINKS YOU’RE BAD AT IT.

Joan Fontaine: Why must you torture me?!

[she PULLS it together, KIND OF, and PLANS a COSTUME BALL to PROVE that she is as FUN as Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: I SUGGEST THAT YOU WEAR THIS TOTALLY ORIGINAL COSTUME THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS EVER WORN AND LOOKED AMAZING IN BEFORE, CERTAINLY NO ONE WHOSE NAMED STARTED WITH AN “R.”

Joan Fontaine: For some reason, I trust you now. Surprise, darling! Look at my costume!

Laurence Olivier: TAKE IT OFF!

Joan Fontaine: You monster! Why do you hate me so?

Mrs. Danvers: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KILL YOURSELF.

[she BECKONS Joan Fontaine to an OPEN WINDOW, but before she can PLUMMET to her DEATH, a boat WASHES up on shore CONTAINING a Rebecca CORPSE]

Joan Fontaine: Darling? Why are you hiding in the creepy shack? This must be so terrible for you. Oh, I know that I can’t measure up to the way you loved her.

Laurence Olivier: You think I loved Rebecca? I hated her!*

Joan Fontaine: Wuhhhh?

Laurence Olivier: Yes. She was a big jerk who loved to party and sleep with her cousins and have abortions. She told me right in this very spot that I could never get away from her, and OH HOW SHE LAUGHED.* And then she fell and banged her head and died and honestly, it was pretty convenient. I put her body in a sailboat and that’s that.

Joan Fontaine: Oh darling, I believe every word of this story!

[there is an INQUEST cause Larry MISIDENTIFIED a different CORPSE that he KNEW wasn’t Rebecca]

Rebecca’s Cousin/Lover: Someone drilled holes in the boat! He’s a murderer!

Laurence Olivier: No! We have to see her doctor!

[they GO TO Rebecca's DOCTOR for some REASON and LEARN that she had INCURABLE CANCER]

The Judge: Well, I guess she just killed herself in the most elaborate way possible. Nothing more to see here!

Everyone: Hooray!

[Laurence Olivier DRIVES home and SEES that Manderley is AFLAME]

Joan Fontaine: It’s Mrs. Danvers! She’s gone mad!

[we SEE Mrs. Danvers FLAIL in the WEST WING as it BURNS because she is a DEVOTED SERVANT and DEFINITELY not BECAUSE she was GAY FOR Rebecca]

*actual line from movie 

**TBH, I would do this too

A Few Good Men

 

Ah, Sorkin. Remember the early 90's, when your ego hadn't swallowed you whole and you could write non-grandiose dialogue and a female character that wasn't a TOTAL idiot, just kind of an idiot? Take us back.

***

[it is Washington, D.C.]

Demi Moore: Two soldiers murdered one of their coworkers in Guantanamo but I don’t think it’s their fault. As a capable, confident female naval officer-attorney excelling in a traditionally male space, I respectfully ask to take on their case.
The Men in Charge: Lol. Get out.
[we FLASHBACK to GUANTANAMO in the RECENT PAST]
That Guy in Every Sorkin Movie: This young solider wants a transfer and keeps breaking the chain of command because we ignore him.
Kiefer Sutherland: He’s a pu**y and I hate him!
Jack Nicholson: Calm down, boys. Let’s keep him here and whip him into shape.
[he WIGGLE-WAGGLES his GROSS EYEBROWS]
[back in present-day D.C., at a SOFTBALL PRACTICE where Tom Cruise at MAXIMUM CHARM beans GROUNDERS]
Demi Moore: So, I hear you’ve been assigned as lead counsel on this case. I know all about you. Harvard grad, son of a famous litigator, two years in the Navy, loves to plea bargain, possibly wearing lifts…
Tom Cruise: Thanks for providing all that exposition, sweetcheeks. Now scram, I have a scrimmage to win!
Demi Moore: Well as your superior officer, I'm joining this defense team!
Tom Cruise: Sure, whatever, I’m just gonna plea bargain cause I love to plea bargain as much as I love to make witty rejoinders. Also, these guys are murderers.
Demi Moore: Have you ever heard of a Code Red? Yeah, I didn’t think so.* 
Tom Cruise: I am mildly intrigued, but there is softball to be played and Yoo-Hoo to be consumed and work is boring! Let’s go to Guantanamo to check some boxes.
Kevin Pollack: Better wear the whites.*
Tom Cruise: I hate the whites.*
[they all GO to GUANTANAMO where Noah Wylie is their JEEP DRIVER]
Jack Nicholson: Welcome, chums. Nice whites. I’m here to be both ingratiatingly helpful and mildly sinister.
[they GO to a LUNCH filled with MALE GLADHANDING]
Demi Moore: I have some actual questions about what went down here. 
Tom Cruise: Hey, shut up. 
Jack Nicholson: Let her speak, but first let me tell you boys about how nice it is when powerful women blow you.
[he STARES Demi DOWN with his PERVERT BROWS but she is UNRUFFLED]
Tom Cruise: Yikes. I mean...yeah, women, amirite? Oh, before we go I’d like the dead guy's files, if that’s cool. 
Jack Nicholson: You have to ask me nicely.*
Tom Cruise: That was weird. And this file is also weird. I feel like something is missing…but I still just want to plea bargain, cause there are pickup basketball games to attend! 
[they MEET with their CLIENTS who are very MILITARISTIC and OPAQUE but EVENTUALLY say that they were ORDERED to do a Code Red which means you BEAT the SHIT out of your BROTHER-IN-ARMS to MAKE him HAPPIER and more PRODUCTIVE]

Kevin Bacon: I’m the prosecutor on this case and since you’re my b-ball bro, I’ll do you a solid and plead them down to two years if you don’t mention this “Code Red” nonsense.
Tom Cruise: Great! Let’s wrap this up, soldiers.
The Alpha Soldier: No. We did nothing wrong. We were ordered, and you follow orders. 
Demi Moore: To trial it is!
Tom Cruise: Aw MAN, now I have to work! Good thing I’m the most brilliant litigator to never try a case.
[he and Demi and Kevin Pollack PREPARE for the CASE in MONTAGE FORM and we SEE Cruise’s GENIUS BLOSSOM]
Tom Cruise: I will put on this uniform and be very handsome cause let’s be honest, I really am. Time to trial!
[he MAKES a VERY SORKIN-Y opening statement to DEMONSTRATE his COCKSURE COURTROOM STYLE]
Kevin Bacon: I call to the stand many “hey, it’s that guy!” witnesses, including Cuba Gooding Jr. and Christopher Guest.
[Tom Cruise is BRILLIANT all the TIME in his REBUTTALS]
Demi Moore: It’s going GREAT. 
[the BETA defendant TAKES the STAND and RUINS EVERYTHING]
Tom Cruise: Goddammit Demi Moore, why didn’t you prep him better? You're supposed to be the Hermione of this operation!
Demi Moore: Well Kevin Pollack is actually the one who is supposed to pr-
Tom Cruise: NO, YOUR FAULT.
Demi Moore: Want to go on a date?
[they DO and have the LEAST amount of CHEMISTRY ever RECORDED on FILM and it is NEVER SPOKEN of AGAIN]
Demi Moore: I still believe in our extremely unwinnable case with no witnesses or proof of anything.

[they LOSE a KEY WITNESS and Tom Cruise GETS DRUNK and FLAILS around in a MANNER that SUGGESTS he has NEVER actually been DRUNK in his LIFE]
Demi Moore: Call Jack Nicholson to the stand. He says that he was going to transfer the murder victim but we both know that’s not true. 
Tom Cruise: No, we will literally go to prison if we so much as suggest he did anything untoward because apparently he is King of Navy. YA DUMB.
Kevin Pollack: Your father was the greatest lawyer in history but I would still have you defend me over him because you are just that amazing at lawyering. 
Tom Cruise: You have found my weak spot because I am Tom Cruise in a Tom Cruise movie and a Tom Cruise movie just ain't a Tom Cruise movie unless I, Tom Cruise, has some kind of issue with my father, Tom Cruise Sr. Bring me my thinking bat!
[his MAGIC BAT gives him the KEY to the CASE]
Tom Cruise: I call Jack Nicholson to the stand!
Jack Nicholson: Here I am, to intimidate the shit out of you and calmly answer all of your “gotcha” questions about suitcase-packing. Adequately rattled? Are we done here? 
Tom Cruise: I didn’t dismiss you yet. Sit down. 
Jack Nicholson: Oh HELL no. Time to bring out the big Nicholson guns. You want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall.*
[he Nicholsons SO HARD]
Tom Cruise: Well look out, old timer, cause I’m gonna Cruise the hell out of you. I want the TRUTH!*
[he Cruises his FACE OFF]
Jack Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH,* whatever that means! It was I that ordered the Code Red!

Tom Cruise: I….didn’t think that would happen.

[EVERYONE is BLOWN AWAY]
Kevin Bacon: Uh...I think we have to arrest you now, Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: Wait, what?
Jury Foreman: The defendants are not guilty.
Judge: But they are dishonorably discharged. 
The Beta Soldier: What does that mean? We didn’t do anything wrong!
The Alpha Soldier: It was our duty to protect that dead wimp. We deserve this.
Tom Cruise: You don't need a badge on your arm to have honor.*
[they SALUTE each other RESPECTFULLY and I CRIED a LITTLE?]
[the movie ENDS ABRUPTLY and we have NO IDEA what happens to ANY of these PEOPLE and I have some FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS]

*actual line from movie

Be My Valjean

Hi guys, Laura here. I don't know if anyone still reads our precious, precious UCMs, but I miss wasting valuable hours of my life to write them, and Anna was loving enough to make me an author. More dramatically, she said "the baby is dying; be my Valjean." And then we sang a duet with cameras up our noses, mouths quivering.

Don't worry, I'm not going to let her get away with not writing posts, like that quitter Fantine.

I am also Javert, I guess, and will stalk her to the ends of this earth. On that ominous note, hopefully we can get some new posts up here in time for Oscar season. Apparently, starting with Les Miz, as I have stretched this metaphor as far as it can go. Movies!

The Adjustment Bureau

[it is NEW YORK]
Matt Damon: Hello! I am handsome and also down-to-earth because I'm from Brooklyn and an orphan! I was the youngest congressman ever, and now I want to be your senator! Too bad I mooned my buddy at my college reunion...that's gonna hurt my chances.
Campaign Manager/Best Friend: Dude, we'll get through this.
John Slattery: Take care of this, generically handsome black dude.
Anthony Mackie: I have a name! I was in The Hurt Locker and I also once played Tupac! But yes, I am definitely handsome. And I'm on this.
[they DO NOT take care of it, and Matt Damon LOSES the election]
Matt Damon: Aw man. I'm just gonna go rehearse my concession speech in the men's room.
Emily Blunt: Um, hi, hello, I'm in here, being super-pretty. And hiding from security.
Matt Damon: Uh...okay?
Emily Blunt: You're running for Senate, right? I liked when you mooned your friend. It made you seem like a person instead of a politician.
[they CONNECT and KISS and then she RUNS AWAY, literally, because SECURITY is after her]
Matt Damon: You know what? That pretty, possibly criminal lady in the men's room was right. I'm going to be EVEN MORE down-to-earth.
[he gives THE BEST SPEECH wherein he talks about FOCUS GROUPS for TIES and SHOES]
New York: Oh man, you are the best! We will vote for you another time!! But for now, you have to go have a job.
John Slattery: Okay, listen, Anthony Mackie. You have to make sure he spills his coffee on himself in Gramercy Park, or the plan is going to be messed up.
Anthony Mackie: I will do it!
[he FALLS ASLEEP, probably due to SHAKE SHACK FUMES, and Matt Damon makes the BUS]
Matt Damon: Oh, hello, same pretty lady from the bathroom. You are still really pretty and also I like you a lot.
Emily Blunt: Let's flirt in a charming way!
[they REALLY DO and it is CUTE and she gives him her NUMBER HAYYYYY]
Me: OH MY GOD they are on the M6 and it literally just drove by the movie theater we are in right now!!!! I AM IN NEW YORK AND SO IS THIS MOVIE
John Slattery: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiit he was not supposed to get her number!!!
Anthony Mackie: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt
[they FREEZE TIME in Matt Damon's OFFICE so they can make ADJUSTMENTS]
Matt Damon: Hey everyone, I'm -- bwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!
[he is KIDNAPPED into a BIG WAREHOUSE]
Matt Damon: What's going on here? I demand answers! I am important and handsome!!
John Slattery: Ah, but you forget: we are also very handsome.
Anthony Mackie: And we have dapper hats on.
Matt Damon: I don't care how many fedoras you have, I want the truth!!
John Slattery: You're a smart guy, I guess we can level with you. So...basically we are sort of like angels or something? We work for The Chairman, who might be God maybe? Anyway, we have these plans for every human, which are contained in Moleskine notebooks, and we need to keep your plan on track. You were not supposed to see that pretty lady again.
Matt Damon: But I love her, I think? Though I just met her?
John Slattery: NOPE. Not in the plan. And also you can't tell anyone about us or we'll reset you and everyone will think you're crazy. Move on with your life.
Matt Damon: I will never forget her. Never!!
[THREE YEARS pass]
Matt Damon: OMGGGG it's the pretty lady from three years ago!! Stop the bus!!
Emily Blunt: Um...so why didn't you call me?
Matt Damon: I lost your number! I swear! I've been taking the M6 every day for three years hoping to see you again!! Just come on a walk with me and have a chat.
[they take a "WALK" that starts in Union Square, then goes to the WEST VILLAGE, then apparently ends in CENTRAL PARK, which, hello, LOOK AT A MAP]
John Slattery: Dammit, Anthony Mackie! You are really bad at this job!
Anthony Mackie: This isn't my fault! He just ran into her. But now we have to make sure they don't kiss, or they will be difficult to separate, because life is very similar to fairy tales in that the kiss of true love is a thing that happens.
[they make MORE ADJUSTMENTS so that the kiss DOES NOT HAPPEN]
Emily Blunt: I'll see you at my dance studio, Cedar Lake!
Matt Damon: This time, I'm not going to lose her.
John Slattery: Oh yes you are!!!
[they try to THWART him for like EVER using their ADJUSTMENT POWERS, including fucking up his PHONE, fucking up ALL THE PHONES in a 3-block radius, and CRASHING a TAXI]
Matt Damon: Hey everyone in this restaurant? Has anyone been to a dance show at someplace called Cedar Lake?
Conveniently Placed Restaurant Patron: Why yes, crazy person! It's on 26th and 10th!
Matt Damon: Ha ha, angel guys! I win!!
[he FINDS the studio]
Anthony Mackie: Maybe they won't fall in love!
John Slattery: It's too late. He's already seen her dance.*
[they go back to the ADJUSTMENT BUREAU and do some RESEARCH in a bunch of FILE CABINETS]
John Slattery: Oh hey wait, this actually isn't your fault, Anthony Mackie. They ARE supposed to be together...or were, in many earlier versions of the plan. But not in the current version.
Anthony Mackie: I TOLD YOU. Wait...maybe the plan isn't always right.
[RECORD PLAYER SCRATCH]
John Slattery: No way. The plan is right. Let's call in the big guns.
Terence Stamp: I believe that would be me. After all...I'm British.
Matt Damon: British or not, you can't keep me from her! I SAW HER DANCE. Also we boned and that was pretty great too.
Terence Stamp: You do what you like. But know this: you could be president. And she could be a famous dancer. But not if you stay with her.
Matt Damon: Fuck you, man!!
[he RUNS to her DANCE STUDIO because no one ever accomplished ANYTHING except via RUNNING]
Terence Stamp: Just remember: we have all the power. We can go through doors as long as we are wearing our magic dapper hats. And we can do things like this.
[he uses his ADJUSTMENT MAGIC to sprain her ANKLE]
Emily Blunt: My livelihood!!!
Terence Stamp: Make your choice.
Matt Damon: I think deserting her at the hospital is better than ruining both of our dreams in the long run. I'll just go and not explain why.
[ELEVEN MONTHS later]
Campaign Manager/Best Friend: Uh, so, that pretty girl you were obsessed with? She's getting married.
Matt Damon: Shit! But I'm so far ahead in the polls! I'm on track to become Senator! And all I can think of is her.
Anthony Mackie: I can help you get back to her. Meet me on an island, since water makes it difficult for the adjustment angels to track your decisions for some reason. This also means that this plan will work best if it involves you running in the rain.
Matt Damon: And if I had one of your magic hats, I could move across the city quickly like you do!
Anthony Mackie: Yes! But only turn the doorknobs clockwise. Counter-clockwise is only for us.
Chekhov: I am gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiissssssed if he does not eventually turn a doorknob counter-clockwise.
[Matt Damon RACES through the DOORS of the CITY to all different PLACES in the RAIN and ends up at the COURTHOUSE, where she is about to GET MARRIED]
Matt Damon: Don't marry him! You love me, not him!!
Emily Blunt: What the fuuuuuuck, dude! You desert me in a hospital with a sprain and then I never hear from you again? Why should I trust you!?!
Matt Damon: Well...we were meant for each other? Also I do have this dapper hat.
Emily Blunt: Okay, let's go!
[they RUN AROUND for a LONG TIME through many DOOR PORTALS and then are STUCK on Liberty Island]
Matt Damon: Hey Chekhov? I got you, buddy.
[he turns the doorknob COUNTER-CLOCKWISE]
Chekhov: Yeah!!!
[they RUN some more and end up on a ROOFTOP]
Both: Oh noooooo! Trapped! But we're together, so it's ok.
Terence Stamp: You fools! My Britishness has foiled you!!
Anthony Mackie: Wait! They're not fools! I have an order from The Chairman.
Matt Damon: Are...are you The Chairman?*
Entire Audience: LOL
Anthony Mackie: Haha, no, I am too fine to be The Chairman. But I've met him, and he gave me this message for you that he erased your plans! Now you get to do whatever you want!! I'm not super-sure how that works, since if every other human DOES have a plan and you don't, your involvement in their plans would necessarily be pre-determined...you know what? Never mind. Just live your lives and love each other.
Matt Damon and Emily Blunt: Okay!!
[they KISS, because although this SEEMS like an ACTION MOVIE, it is actually kind of a SAPPY ROMANCE]

The King's Speech

As usual, because this movie was good, the condensed version is kind of boring. See it! Also, I think this might be the most disparate poster-quality-to-movie-quality ratio EVER, because WOW is that poster ever shitty. This one is better, but I needed you guys to see this Photoshop disaster.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is ENGLAND in the 1930s]
Colin Firth: I'm just the p- p- p- p- the Duke of York. This stammer shouldn't affect me.
[he TRIES to give a speech but CANNOT]
Helena Bonham Carter: It's fine, darling! We'll find you a speech therapist.
[they TRY, but everyone CANNOT help him]
Colin Firth: Oh b-b-b-b-b-bother.
Helena Bonham Carter: Perhaps this fellow whose office is in the basement could help us! Oh dear, he's Australian. No matter.
Geoffrey Rush: Yes, indeed I could, but your husband must come to my office.
Helena Bonham Carter: You know he's the Duke of York, right?
Geoffrey Rush: Oh. Well, still. He must come here.
Colin Firth: Hello, Dr. Logue.
Geoffrey Rush: No, no. We must be equals. Call me Lionel. And I'll call you Bertie.
Colin Firth: ONLY MY FAMILY CALLS ME THAT!!
[they BUTT HEADS but then WORK TOGETHER]
Geoffrey Rush: No! Don't smoke!
Colin Firth: All my physicians say it's good for me.
Geoffrey Rush: Well, they're all idiots.*
Colin Firth: They've all been knighted.*
Geoffrey Rush: Well, it's official, then.*
[they WORK on TALKING]
Guy Pearce: Hahahahaha! I'm going to be king, but I want to marry a twice-divorced American! Also I love to party!!
[their DAD, the KING, dies]
Guy Pearce: Oh bugger! Now I've got to be king! But I don't want to! Wah wah wah!!
[he ABDICATES the THRONE and everyone is like WHAT THE FUUUUUCKKKK]
Wallis Simpson: Haha! We might be Nazis!!
Colin Firth: Well, I guess I'm going to be king now.
Geoffrey Rush: You can do it!
Colin Firth: Shut up!! No I can't! Also, you are a fraud because you are not really a doctor!!
Geoffrey Rush: I just wanted to help people and be your friend!!!
Elizabeth Bennett: Darling, who are these people in our house?
Geoffrey Rush: Oh, it's just the king and queen, don't worry.
Elizabeth Bennett: Bwaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!
Colin Firth: Thank you for helping me. Now we can win World War II.
England: Yayyyy!

When in Rome (2010)

I went to LA last week on a secret mission having to do with a show that rhymes with Budge Budy, which meant I got to fly from New York to Chicago and Chicago to LA. It's been a long time since I flew with a connection - not because I'm not cheap (I am) or because I'm fancy (I am not), but because a) the only place I ever fly is home and b) I almost exclusively fly home on the airline based out of my hometown of Milwaukee, so direct flights are cheap(ish). Anyway, I haven't been on a flight long enough to warrant a movie in a while, either, and on the way there it was Extraordinary Measures, which for ONE SECOND I considered watching for blog purposes, but then decided to fall asleep in an ill-advised position instead.

But I noticed that on the way back it would be this movie, and guys, I was actually looking forward to it! Veronica Mars! Will Arnett! Mr. Fergie! My boyfriend, Bobby Moynihan! And honestly? I would totally not be sad to watch this again. It has a weirdly strong supporting cast, and K. Bell is cute, and Duhamel is charming, and hey! Angelica Huston! That said, it is completely formulaic and has no surprises, except that Don Johnson is in it. OOPS SORRY SPOILER ALERT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is NOT ACTUALLY ROME]
Kristen Bell: Listen up, team. I am a VERY SERIOUS art curator at the Guggenheim, which we all know is VERY FANCY AND SERIOUS, and you can tell by my tight ponytail that I am not kidding around about my job.Now, let's event the shit out of this museum.
Her Quirky Assistant: Um...your ex is here.
Her Gay Friend: The one who dumped you in a horrible way!
Her Fat Friend: Let's all remind you of how he dumped you!
Kristen Bell: Guys, I am over him, okay? He is dead to me. I am all about work and being awesome at my job. He can suck a --
Lee Pace: Hello. I'm your ex. Did you miss my dreamyness?
Kristen Bell: Swoon! I did!
Lee Pace: Well, take one last look, because I'm engaged to someone else now! YA BURNT!
Kristen Bell: Oh, the humiliation! This encounter has spurred my determination to find love, though I am hard-nosed and work-centric!
Don Johnson: You really are, my daughter. I am in this movie. What?!!
Her Sister: Oh, btw, I'm getting married! In Rome! To a dude I just met! I am your polar opposite!
Kristen Bell: What the fuuuuuuu--I will just focus more on work!
Angelica Huston: Okay, we have another fundraiser coming up, a fundraiser headed by our youngest, least experienced curator that will determine the COURSE OF HER ENTIRE CAREER.
Kristen Bell: Gulp. Also, I need a couple days off to go to my little sister's wedding.
Angelica Huston: Because I am a dire warning of what you may become if you focus solely on your career, I don't understand families, or love, but fine. Go.
[she DOES, and it is ITALIAN and WHIMSICAL]
Italian Family Member: It's-a time-a for a tradizione where the maid of honor smashes a vase into pieces to symbolize how many years of happiness the bride and-a groom will have!
Kristen Bell: Sweet! Time for me to get slapsticky, y'all!
[she TRIES to break the VASE, but FAILS]
Josh Duhamel: Pardon me. Let me assist you. My handsomeness makes me very good at breaking vases.
[they GAZE at each other so you can tell that they are MEANT FOR EACH OTHER]
Kristen Bell: Perhaps love isn't so hard to find! Perhaps I can find a man, though I love my job! Perhaps --
[she sees him SMOOCHING a HOT BRUNETTE]
Kristen Bell: Nooooo! The guy I just met like an hour ago is kissing someone else!! My life is over! I'm going to get drunk and get in the fountain that is like the Trevi Fountain, but is not actually the Trevi Fountain!
[she DOES, and picks up some COINS that LOVESICK PEOPLE have thrown in there]
Kristen Bell: Thass right. I'ma save you from love. You're all shtupid. And you're all men, which, statistically, doesn't make sense, but we can't have any weird lesbian shit going on, right?
[she goes back to NEW YORK, where SOMEHOW all the coin-throwers ALSO LIVE because that is SUPER-PROBABLE]
Dax Shepherd: Hi. I'm your real boyfriend. Does anyone know me from anything except being your real boyfriend? Are we even dating anymore? I'm so tall, and you're so tiny. Anyway, I'm in love with you.
Napoleon Dynamite: God, stop calling me Napoleon Dynamite! That movie was like six years ago. Now I'm a Criss Angel/David Blaine mashup who's in love with you.
Will Arnett: And I'm-a an Italian-a stereotype-a! Come back, bella!
Danny Devito: I'm a sausage magnate. That's not, like, a euphemism, I am like the Abe Froman of this movie. I am also in love with you.
Kristen Bell: Why do all these men love me?!?!
Her Sister: It's the magic of the fountain! You picked up their coins and now they all love you! You have to put the coins back in the fountain!
Kristen Bell: Oh, so I can just mail them to you, since you're in Italy!
Her Sister's Italian Husband: No! That is not enough obstacles! And will cause the hijinks to end earlier! She must put them in the fountain herself! She must come to Italy! MORE HIJINKS!!
Kristen Bell: I DON'T HAVE TIME BECAUSE I AM BUSY WITH WORK BECAUSE I LOVE WORK AND I HATE LOVE.
Josh Duhamel: But now I'm here. I wasn't into that brunette earlier. I'm into you.
Kristen Bell: Oh. Well. You're very charming.
[there is a CHARM MONTAGE, and Josh Duhamel RUNS INTO something]
Josh Duhamel: That's a running gag, because I got hit by lightning one time! I'm kind of famous for it. That will come into play later, DO NOT DOUBT IT.
[some HIJINKS occur]
Bobby Moynihan: Hijinks! My favorite!
Josh Duhamel: Let's go to a pitch-black restaurant. It's so New York!!
Kristen Schaal: I'm a weird server! I always play weird people! Yay!! Individuality!
Kristen Bell: Oh shit! I think this guy likes me because of the Fountain Spell! I will sabotage this relationship too!!
[meanwhile, she is being CHASED by the SUITORS and her WORK is possibly being THREATENED]
Her Sister's Italian Husband: Oh wait, you can just give the coins back to the guys they belong to and then they won't love you anymore.
Her Quirky Assistant: Sorry, boss, I'm going to help you somehow by taking the coins and not letting you return them yet. I'm not really sure why this is a good plan.
[there is a GAG with a TINY CAR and everyone ends up at the GUGGENHEIM]
Josh Duhamel: I love her! I must run! In the rain! And the lightning! Which is especially scary because of how I once got hit by lightning!!
Kristen Bell: Everyone take your damn coins back!
[she gives them ALL their coins and the LOVE SPELL is reversed]
Josh Duhamel: Dude, this is not my poker chip, I told you, I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU.
Kristen Bell: Oh! Sweet! Let's get married!
[they DO, in SIX MONTHS]
Napoleon Dynamite: Wait! I think I have the poker chip of your soon-to-be husband!!
Kristen Bell: Oh no! The last six months...were a lie!!!!
[there is a LOVE CRISIS, but K. Bell learns a LESSON]
Josh Duhamel: YO I TOLD YOU THIS IS NOT A SPELL, I DID NOT THROW A COIN IN THAT FOUNTAIN. The priest won a bunch of poker chips from me, so he is the one who was in love with you. And now it's reversed! Let's get married!!
Everyone: Yayyyy!!

The Proposal: The Pitch Meeting

Look. I'll be honest. I watched this because Sandy is sassy and likable, and Ryan Reynolds is in my top 5 bonable celebs list. I can think of worse reasons to watch something.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is HOLLYWOOD]
Touchstone Exec 1: You know what ladies like? When they see other ladies who are successful, but also can snag a hot man.
Touchstone Exec 2: Oooooh, they totally love that. Especially when the lady is hot, but relatable. Wait - I've got it! That Speed girl!
Female Exec: I told you last time, her name is Sandra Bullock. She's gonna win an Oscar someday.
Other Execs: Ha ha ha! That is funny because she is mostly in romps and hijinks!! We do not believe you!
Female Exec: Whatever. Look, can we make her a little less...frothy in this thing? I really think she's believable as a hard-nosed businesswoman.
Touchstone Exec 1: ...whose outer shell is cracked by a man! Ladies be lovin' vulnerability!
Touchstone Exec 2: But he's got to be a real specimen of manhood. But again, not too threatening. But with ridiculous abs...and grabbable hair...and a lickable face...like Ryan Reynolds...
[he starts DROOLING]
Touchstone Exec 1: Bob! Bob, snap out of it.
Touchstone Exec 2: Sorry, I just...uh, get really into casting.
[their TEAM of WRITERS enter, spilling their ACAI BERRY SMOOTHIES everywhere]
Writer 1: I've got so many hijinks to put in here! So what happens is that she's being deported, because she's Canadian!
Writer 2: People love jokes at the expense of Canada.
Writer 1: And she has to marry someone, to get her green card.
Writer 2: Green-card based comedy is so hot right now.
Writer 1: So she forces her assistant -
Writer 2: - the hunky Ryan Reynolds, who is so hot right now -
[they all SWOON]
Writer 1: - to marry her so she can stay in the country!
Touchstone Exec 1: This sounds rife with hijink potential. Rife!!
Touchstone Exec 2: What's the hijinkiest state?
Everyone: Alaska!!
Writer 1: Right! So they go to Alaska, which is where his family is from. We'll get some solid supporting folks in as the family - coach, Ted Danson's wife, and the one Golden Girl, the one with the mouth on her. She's a big draw for an old broad.
Touchstone Exec 1: I don't know about the old lady. Will she be hilarious and heartwarming but ALSO force Sandra to dance in the woods and chant, which turns into Sandra singing "Get Low"? And will she also help Sandra see how nice it is to have a family?
Writer 2: Heartwarming hilarity is so hot right now, and so is the song "Get Low." Very timely. Consider it done!
Writer 1: I also have a bit about a dog being carried away by an eagle; if we can fit that in there somewhere, that would be great.
Touchstone Exec 2: As long as you can manage to find a way to get them to run into each other naked, you can include any other bits you want.
Female Exec: Actually...I have no problem with that. Ryan Reynolds naked? I'm sold.
Writer 1: And please, please let me have an ethnic stereotype! Just one!
Writer 2: Mexicans are so hot right now.
Touchstone Exec 1: Fine, we'll call in a favor and get the Mexican guy from The Office.
Touchstone Exec 2: Jose, the janitor? I don't think he's done much acting.
Touchstone Exec 1: Not our office, The Office. The TV show.
[they all LAUGH about how WHITE they are]
Writer 1: I think we've really got something here, guys. Maybe even...Oscar material??
Writer 2: The Oscars are so hot right now.

Then I wanted to write a normal post, so here's that one:

[it is NEW YORK]
Sandra Bullock: I am a businesswoman! Note my slicked-back ponytail and no-nonsense skirt suit! Where's my coffee, assistant!
Ryan "Grabbable Hair" Reynolds: I spilled it, but I drink the same kind of coffee as you in case I spill it because I am afraid of you and please don't hurt me please.
Sandy B: Fear me! Fear my wrath! Fear my hard outer shell that no one can penetrate!!
[everyone COWERS due to her HARDNESS]
Executives: So...you're being deported? Because of how you're from Canada?
Sandy B: No! Not now! I just did a good business thing that is not relevant to the plot! And I've built up my empire! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME, NOT NOW, WHEN BUSINESS IS SO GOOD.
Ryan "Lost in Your Eyes" Reynolds: There's someone on the phone for you, but I told them you were otherwise engaged...
[a literal DING occurs in the SCORE]
Sandy B: THAT'S IT!! Yeah, my assistant and I are getting married, so it's all good. I'll get a green card from him. I love him.
[they pretend to LOVE each other, but because they HATE each other, it is HILARIOUS]
Ryan "Lickable Face" Reynolds: I don't understand what's happening, but I'm still so, so attractive.
[they work out a DEAL wherein they will get FAKE-MARRIED and he will get a PROMOTION, but they have to go to his FAMILY'S house in ALASKA]
Sandy B: Alaska! That will allow for so many hijinks.
INS Guy: And I'll be watching you the whole time, because we're pretty sure this lady is getting fake-married. These fucking Canadians! Think they can do whatever they want!!
[there are literally HUNDREDS of HIJINKS, including a DOG being kidnapped by an EAGLE]
Mary Steenburgen, Coach, and fucking Betty White: So many family hijinks!!
Sandy B: Well, I guess I'll take a shower...but wait, where are the towels?
Ryan "Holy Christ, Those Abs" Reynolds: I guess I'll just listen to my headphones naked...I need a towel!
[they literally RUN INTO each other NAKED]
Both: Ew, naked!! We hate each other!!
[they have a MOMENT where they OPEN UP and sing "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock and it's ACTUALLY CUTE]
Both: Waaaaaaaaaait aaaaaaaa minute!!! Maybe we don't hate each other! Our worldview is being rocked right now!!
Sandy B: I need to take a walk in the forest to clear my head. Now that I've literally - and metaphorically - let my hair down, I just don't know what's what!
[she stumbles upon BETTY WHITE doing some sort of FOREST RITUAL]
Betty White: Just feel the music! Chant! Chant your vowels!
Sandy B: [booty dances and sings "Get Low"]
Ryan "I'd Hit It" Reynolds: Her booty dancing and awkward singing has made me like her...maybe even love her.
INS Guy: I have caught you! This marriage is a sham!! You have one last chance to get out, son.
Ryan "Sexy Lumberjack" Reynolds: No, it's not a sham!
Sandy B: Um, actually it is. Sorry, everyone.
Everyone: Noooooooo!! All our hijinks were for naught! NAUGHT!!!
[she gets on a PLANE with the INS Guy, and for a SECOND you think she will NOT fly away, but then she DOES]
Ryan "My Other Car is a Sexymobile" Reynolds: Oh no! She flew away! Now I will never be able to tell her how I feel!! Wait a second, that logic is totally unsound. I know exactly where she's going. I'll just go there and tell her. Duh.
[it is their OLD OFFICE, and he DOES, and they KISS and get MARRIED but for REAL, kind of]

Spring Breakdown

Obviously, I had very high hopes for this, based on the three leading ladies alone, and then when supporting actor after supporting actor was AWESOME, I was even more excited. It was fine - definitely worth seeing if you have Netflix Instant Watch and a lazy Sunday, and you're a fan of anyone in it (Missy Pyle is particularly great, I thought).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 1992]
Amy Poehler: My brocade vest says that I am a nerd.
Parker Posey: As does my granny shawl.
Rachel Dratch: Come, my friends, let us enter the senior talent show and sing "True Colors" with bongos.
[they DO, and are BOOED off the stage]
Parker Posey: Once we graduate, we're gonna be awesome!!
[it is 15 years LATER, and they are NOT AWESOME]
Amy Poehler: I train dogs for a living, but can't get a date, though I am super-cute and Hollywood likes to pretend I'm ugly!
Rachel Dratch: I'm getting married to a man who wears no less than two polos at a time!
Seth Meyers: That's me, bokayyyyyyyy!!
[he BLOWS their POOLBOY]
Rachel Dratch: Oh no! He's gay!
Parker Posey: Oh no! My cat died! This make-your-own-pizza party is in honor of my dead cat.
[they have a SORT-OF-PATHETIC little party]
Jane Lynch: That's right, I'm a senator, and I'm from Texas, and I love big guns and big hair! And I need someone to go make sure my daughter doesn't get too wiiiiiiiiiiild on Spring Break! You! Mousy girl! You look young enough, sort of. Git down to South Padre and make me proud!
Parker Posey: I will do it!!
Amber Tamblyn: My mom, the senator, thinks I'm a partier, but I am actually a medieval faire nerd! I will prove her wrong by going crazy on Spring Break!
[EVERYONE goes to South Padre and HIJINKS occur]
Parker Posey: I'm friends with the senator's daughter, because we're all nerds!
Amy Poehler: I'm friends with the sorority girls and like dressing crazy now!
Rachel Dratch: I'm sooooooooo druuuuuuunkkkkk! Whose shoe is this?*
Amy Poehler: That's your shoe.*
Rachel Dratch: That's bullshit.*
Missy Pyle: I am also in this movie and it is way not fair that I can be this hot AND this funny! But I am, suckerrrrsssss!!
[more HIJINKS occur, culminating in, obviously, A TALENT SHOW]
Parker Posey: I learned to stand up for myself!
Amy Poehler: I learned that I shouldn't have deserted my friends!
Rachel Dratch: I learned that my fiance was gay! Well, I kind of learned that earlier, but now I really know.
[they sing some WILSON PHILIPS and tell the crowd to GO FUCK THEMSELVES because they are AWESOME ANYWAYS]

Avatar

[it is THE FUTURE]
Sam Worthington: Hey guys. Remember me from that new Terminator? Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm back, and I've got a slightly better American accent. But only slightly. I'll be doing a fair amount of voiceover, since exposition is hard. Basically, we're in the future, and I'm in cryogenic storage, and I'm going to take over a mission that my late identical twin brother started. He was a scientist, and I'm a soldier.
My Roommate Tina: Wait...is this the movie?
James Cameron: You better BELIEVE this is the movie!! I just had to get all this explaining out of the way first.
Sam Worthington: Right. So one time I dreamt I could fly, which is super-weird, because I'm totally in a wheelchair. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YA?!?!
[he goes to a DISTANT PLANET to be a MERCENARY or something, though he is a CRIPPLE]
Stern Commander: You little maggots aren't going to last long in this hostile atmosphere! You need an air mask here! Here is some more information about it! In a stern tone!!
That One Hot Nerdy Guy from Dodgeball: Oh boy! Science!
Sigourney Weaver: Yes. Science. And more exposition. See, what we've done here is create an avatar, which is a creature that looks like the indigenous people that live on this planet, that has a neural linkup with ourselves. And they're super-expensive. And after that one scientist died, we found out he had an identical twin, so we're gonna just, like, throw him in the avatar. And then we go teach the natives English. Because English rules.
Dodgeball: I can't wait to do some science!
Sam Worthington: My brother was the scientist, not me. I'm a soldier.
Sigourney Weaver: Oh HELLLLL no! Where is that sniveling corporate scumbag who runs this place?
Giovanni Ribisi: Right here, doing a character voice and putting golf balls.
Sigourney Weaver: How DARE you bring in this soldier to my science mission? We are here for science. SCIENCE!!
Giovanni Ribisi: Well, I'm here for this highly-valuable rock: unobtainium.
Sigourney Weaver: Wait - is that really what it's called?
Giovanni Ribisi: Yes - unobtainium.
Sigourney Weaver: This is a joke, right, Jim? It's called "unobtainium"? Really?
James Cameron: DO NOT QUESTION MY WAYS. Besides, "MacGuffinium" sounded too obvious.
Sigourney Weaver: Fine, let's just get in the avatars.
[they get in a BOX that has a LINK to the AVATARS, which are like EIGHT FEET TALL and BLUE and BEAUTIFUL]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: OMG I can run you guys!! But I couldn't before!! Because I am paralyzed!!
[he RUNS AROUND and it is COOL]
Blue Cat Dodgeball: We have to do some science! Let's go!
Michelle Rodriguez: Yeah!! I'm gonna fly you to the science place!
[they go into the FOREST, which looks pretty much like an EARTH FOREST, except all the CREATURES are CRAZY COLORS]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: I think I'll just wander over here and look at some possibly-hostile plant life on this unknown planet.
[a HUGE FUCKING CREATURE that is AWESOME chases him through the forest and he gets TOTALLY LOST]
The Rest of the Team: Well, shit. We lost him.
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Too bad I'm in this blue cat form. Because I'm super-hot even in real life. I'm still hot as a blue cat, though. Wait a minute! Who is that? I will shoot him with my arrow!
[a BLOSSOM lands on her ARROW so she doesn't SHOOT him because ladies be loving FLOWERS, and then she SAVES him from some CREATURES because she is NOBLE]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Thanks for not shooting me, and also for saving me from the many creatures in this fucking incredible-looking forest. How much did that phosphorescent tree cost?
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Like $20 million. Now, stop bothering me. You are like a baby!*
[he FOLLOWS her to the village through the COOL-ASS COMPUTER FOREST]
Other Blue Cats: Get this Dreamwalker out of our village!!
[they speak in their BLUE CAT LANGUAGE, so there are subtitles in PAPYRUS, one of the WORST FONTS]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: Do I have the best name ever? Yes.** Am I your spiritual leader? Also yes. And do I think this Dreamwalker will be a welcome addition to our tribe? ...maybe. My daughter will teach him our ways. If they fall in love while this is going on...I would not be surprised.
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Mo-ooooooooommmm!!
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Looks like you're stuck with me, g'day? I mean - uh - I'm not Australian.
[his AVATAR goes to SLEEP, so he WAKES up in his REAL, BROKEN body]
Sigourney Weaver: Oh good! We have an insider! Now I like you, though you are a soldier and not a scientist.
Stern Commander: I also can use you for my own purposes. Find out information to get those fucking natives away from the unobtainium! I want to blow some shit up! I can get you the use of your legs back. Just saying.
Sam Worthington: I would really like the use of my legs back, so I will act as a double agent.
[he LEARNS the ways of the BLUE CATS, which include riding HORSE ANTEATER things that they CONNECT to via their PONYTAIL NERVE ENDINGS]
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Someday, you will be ready to ride one of those crazy dragon bird things. Also, and this is just side information, my grandfather's grandfather once rode the biggest, craziest of all the dragon bird things, in a time of great sorrow. It is very rare. I'm sure it won't happen again anytime soon.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: That's good to know. But let's ride some of those regular crazy dragon bird things around for a while and flirt whilst we do so.
[they DO, and it is GLORIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL and COOL]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: You are ready to be initiated into our tribe.
[there is a SURPRISINGLY TAME ceremony]
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Let's go to the tree of souls, which cost $50 million. That is where we can listen to our ancestors. Also, we can totally make out there.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Hot.
[they BONE and it is BLUE CAT HOT, but then they almost get RUN OVER by a BULLDOZER]
Giovanni Ribisi: Yeah, bitches! I'm destroying your lives! Woooooo! Corporations!!
All the Blue Cats: Noooooooooooooooo!
Sam Worthington: Look, I know you guys have unobtainium to...uh...obtain...but these are people we're talking about! You can't just run them over!
Giovanni Ribisi: I just did, bitch!!
Sam Worthington: Give me one last chance to convince them to move. I know I've had three months to do this, but I think this extra hour will REALLY seal the deal.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: So, I'm really sorry, but I sort of betrayed all you guys? At first this was just an assignment, but then I learned about you and your way of life, and everything changed and now I feel bad.
All the Blue Cats: Boooooooooo! We hate you now!
[the BAD GUYS blow up their TREEHOUSE and it is actually pretty SAD while also being FUCKING AWESOME]
Michelle Rodriguez: Although I am in the military, I don't like this. I'm turning my future helicopter around, which apparently has no consequences, though I'm disobeying a direct order?
[she ALSO breaks the SCIENCE PEOPLE out of JAIL because she is MORAL or something]
Sigourney Weaver: Oh, good, now we can go back to our forest base!
Stern Commander: Not if I can help it!!
[he BUSTS outside with a HUGE GUN and NO AIR MASK because he is fucking BALLS-OUT PISSED about the SCIENCE PEOPLE doing their SCIENCE]
Sam Worthington: Suck it, Stern Commander! You can't shoot us! We're in a helicopter!
Michelle Rodriguez: Plus, we're going to the Flux Vortex, and their instruments won't work there.
Sigourney Weaver: Really, Jim? Flux Vortex? It's like you're making fun of your own movie.
James Cameron: DID YOU SEE THOSE EXPLOSIONS? No one is gonna care that there is something called the Flux Vortex.
Sigourney Weaver: This is just getting silly. I'm out. Everyone, I've been shot.
Sam Worthington: Shiiiiiiiiit. No one can help us now but the tribe! And the tribe won't trust us unless I do something EPIC. I know! I'll ride that biggest, craziest dragon bird thing!
[he DOES, and it RULES SO HARD]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: You have re-earned our trust with your taming of the biggest, craziest dragon bird thing. Now we will listen to you.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Okay, but first can you put Sigourney Weaver's soul in her avatar body for real? I bet that tree can do it.
[they TRY by going to the phosphorescent TREE, but it FAILS because she is TOO INJURED]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Our only option now is to fight. I'm going to band together all the tribes!!
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Hottttttt.
[they launch a HUGE ATTACK on the CORPORATION and the MILITARY and it is SUPER FUCKING COOL]
Michelle Rodriguez: Ow! My everything! I got blown up! But I died nobly!
All the Blue Cats: Run away! They are going to defeat us and our simple way of life!
Eywa, the Deity of the Blue Cats: Nuh uh!!
[ALL the CREATURES in the whole FOREST come to their RESCUE, a la CINDERELLA and those MICE, but with WAY MORE AWESOMER CREATURES]
The Corporations and the Military: Now we are the ones being defeated! What? Oh, how the tables have turned!!
Stern Commander: Guys, we can't have this movie end without a final battle, hand-to-hand, between the good guy and the bad guy, can we?
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: No way!
[they FIGHT and it is PRETTY COOL because the Stern Commander is in like a ROBOT SUIT that is SWEET]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Ow! My real body! It's dying because the bad guy poked holes in the box I'm in!
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: I will save you, for I love you, even though you betrayed our people.
[she NAILS the bad guy with a HUGE ARROW and it's PRETTY AWESOME]
Sam Worthington: I see you.*
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: I see you.* Wait, is this weird? That you're human now? And I'm like literally three feet taller than you?
Sam Worthington: It's cool, baby, my human form is dying anyways! Remember earlier when we tried to transplant Sigourney Weaver's soul into her avatar? I bet we could try that again! But this time it will totally work!
[it DOES, and is LUMINESCENT]

**not actually true, as S. Epatha Merkerson technically holds this title. But we can let CCH have her fun.