Guest Post: Nine

From a chat dated 1/11/10:

Laura: so what will be the first UCM of the teens?me: oh man, i don't knowi saw sherlock holmesLaura: oh godhow's that?me: i've just been watching so much jersey shoresherlock holmes is finelike, not expectation-breakingthere were many punchesand slight gayness/hottness
and like quick cutsLaura: lolwell, that's somethingit's manlyyet gayyou need to see nineme: i know!Laura: because i need to hear your opinions on its awfulness

It is now over two weeks later and no Sherlock Holmes for you, my lovelies. But my darling guest poster Laura McClain has provided you with a breakdown of what everyone I spoke to said was dreck: Nine. Be Italian!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the GLAMOROUS 1960s]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Watch me smirk and smug my way through this grainy black and white press conference footage.
Audience: This movie looks so artsy!
[he GOES to a SOUNDSTAGE in the DARK]
Daniel Day-Lewis: I will smoke soulfully and rub my brow. Acting!
[a SEDUCTIVE figure MOVES from the SHADOWS and KISSES him]
Audience: Art!
[SUDDENLY, 50 lingere-clad chicks APPEAR and start GYRATING while TOSSING their HAIR like EXTRAS in a WHITESNAKE video]
Audience: Oh, right. Rob Marshall directed this.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. I’m at such a crossroads in my life. I’m a world-renowned director with a bevy of beautiful women living in Milan. However, my facial stubble indicates my despair.
His Producer: Come to work, Guido. You must direct this movie, as it is your job.
Sophia Loren: Hello, my son. I am a ghost here to try to explain why you’re fucked up about women? Or something? At least I’m authentically Italian.
Daniel Day-Lewis: My life is too empty! I must run away to a spa.
[he DRIVES his SPORTS CAR up the SIDE of a MOUNTAIN in MILAN and you’re like “boo fucking hoo, Guido”]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Alone at last! Now, to sulk in the spa.
[the PHONE RINGS]
Penelope Cruz: Hola, Guido. I will sing you a sexy, sexy song while writhing in my Victoria’s Secret underthings.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my mistress.
[the PHONE RINGS AGAIN]
Marion Cotillard: Bonjour, Guido.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my wife.
[he goes and CHILLS with Judi Dench, his COSTUME DESIGNER and IMAGINES her SINGING a FOLLIES number]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh dear. Why do I only daydream in glitzy production numbers? Gaaaay.
[he REMEMBERS how Fergie SHOWED him her BOOBS when he was a CHILD and then HUMPED a CHAIR and THREW sand in his FACE]
Fergie: You know there’s a problem when I’m the best performer in your musical.
Penelope Cruz: Hey! I’m here in my trashy mistress outfit! I love you Guido, though you are extremely unlovable!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Eeeek! You go stay in the dilapidated motel next to the train station. We’ll have sex there. But you have to put on whore makeup first.
Marion Cotillard: Hi, honey! I decided to come join you on your spa retreat!
[she SINGS a DIGNIFIED song in an ATTEMPT to SAVE the MOVIE but it is TOO LATE]
Penelope Cruz: Here I am, in my hooker heels. I’ll just sit near you and your wife having dinner. Not obsessive at all.
Marion Cotillard: Guido! For shame!
[she STORMS off]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh man, my wife is so pissed. A trip to the bar will cure what ails me.
Kate Hudson: Heeeeeeeeey Guido. Why am I here? Man, I look orange and bloated.
[she SINGS the WORST SONG ever RECORDED to SEDUCE him]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Wait a second….that’s Kate Hudson.
[he RUNS AWAY]
Penelope Cruz: You bastard! You ignored me and put me up in a hovel! Now I will kill myself.
[she DOESN’T]
His Producer: Hey, could you stop fucking everything in sight for like, two seconds and come make this movie? Your star is here.
[Nicole Kidman and her FROZEN FACE enter]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my Nordic muse with her mangled Australian accent.
[they GO for a CAR RIDE and she SINGS a SONG about how he is her EVERYTHING and you’re like “Really, everyone?? This guy?”]
Nicole Kidman: I don’t want to be your fantasy anymore, Guido. PEACE.
Daniel Day-Lewis: I have to find a new star. Beloved wife whom I constantly cheat on, will you come watch screen tests of nubile Italian women with me?
Marion Cotillard: Yes, for some reason.
[they WATCH a SCREEN TEST where he HITS on more CHICKS and it REMINDS Marion Cotillard of when she was a SUCKER and FELL for HIM]
Marion Cotillard: DONE. Now, to remove any remainder of subtlety from this movie.
[she DOES a RAUNCHY striptease that REPRESENTS their MARRIAGE or SOMETHING]
[a YEAR PASSES]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. All alone. Clearly I have changed, as I grew a beard and am chilling with the Dench in a non-sexual way.
Judi Dench: Go get your wife back. Make a boring art film.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Brilliant!
[he GOES to the FILM STUDIO and once again HALLUCINATES about LADIES in their PANTIES, only now everyone is looking at him all BENEVOLENTLY and it is WEIRD]
Marion Cotillard: Oh Guido! You have truly changed!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Yes. Yes, I have.
[he has NOT]

Classic Musicals Week: My Fair Lady

[it is LONDON]
Some Dude: I talk like a gutter person.
Rex Harrison: My God, man! Take pride in your speech! "Why can't the English" learn to speak? And why can't I learn to sing? Oh, well.
Colonel Pickering: Oh! Hello! I was looking for you! How convenient!
Audrey Hepburn: Buy some flaaaahrs!! Flaaaaaaaaaahrs!
Henry Higgins: God. If she talked better, I could pass her off as a princess.
Audrey Hepburn: "Wouldn't it be loverly" if I could be a princess? I mean, all I really need is a warm room, but being a princess would be sweet too.
[she TRACKS him down and he TAKES HER ON as a student, though he is a TOTAL DOUCHE all the time]
Rex Harrison: I mean, I don't want much. I'm just "an ordinary man." But I definitely don't want a woman around. Well, unless she is a woman on which I am basing a bet.
[meanwhile, in a STREET]
Mr. Doolittle: I don't have a real job! I guess I'm a dustman or something, but mostly I just hang out with my bros and wear this sweet hat! "With a little bit of luck," I'll never have to actually do anything!
Some neighbor: Well, your daughter's shacking up with some rich guy. FYI.
[he GOES to Higgins' house to try to GET MONEY and CHARMS Higgins]
Audrey Hepburn: Gahhhh!! I don't want to say any more vowels! "Just you wait, Henry Higgins," because I will actually kill you. That's how much I hate you.
[they work REALLY HARD all the time and she SWALLOWS a MARBLE]
Rex Harrison: Don't worry...I have plenty of marbles.*
The Servants: God. He works so hard.
Audrey Hepburn: Hey! I can talk like a lady now!! I can say "the rain in spain stays mainly in the plain."
[GENERAL FREAKOUT on Wimpole Street]
Rex Harrison: Okay, let's go to Ascot.
[they DO, and everyone is wearing BLACK and WHITE and it's THE MOST STYLIZED THING EVER]
Audrey Hepburn: COME ON, DOVER! MOVE YOUR ARSE!!
Genteel Society: We are scandalized.
Freddy: But I love her.
[they go to a BALL and she passes as a PRINCESS]
Colonel Pickering: "You did it," Higgins! This flower slut did nothing at all! It's all you!
Audrey Hepburn: You guys are jackasses.
Freddy: I love you! I love being "on the street where you live"!!
Audrey Hepburn: You know, you can talk all you want, Freddy, but I'm going to need to you "show me" that you love me.
Freddy: Oh. Uh. Never mind.
[she goes to MRS. HIGGINS' house and is GENTEEL for a while]
Mr. Doolittle: Hey! I'm getting married! Just so you guys know. You'll need to "get me to the church" on time. Since I'm a drunk, and might forget.
Audrey Hepburn: That's awesome, dad. I'm striking out on my own now.
Rex Harrison: But..."I've grown accustomed to [your] face." Isn't that just the most romantic thing anyone's ever said?
Audrey Hepburn: Not particularly. But as this is a movie and not a play, let's make it seem as though we have fallen in love and will end up together.

Classic Musicals Week: West Side Story

[it is HELL'S KITCHEN]

Jets: We are the Jets! It is super awesome to be a Jet!

Sharks: We are the Sharks! It is also super awesome to be a Shark!

[they DANCE, though they are supposedly STREET THUGS]

Riff: We are so gonna kick the Sharks' asses!!

Bernardo: Mira, we are going to kick the Jets' asses!!

Tony: Whatevs, y'all. I am not interested in fighting. But I can sense...that "something's coming."

[meanwhile, in SHARKS TURF]

Natalie Wood: Why is my life so boring?

Rita Moreno: Well, maybe something will happen at the dance tonight!

[something DOES...something AMAZING]

Tony: Hello. I love you.

Natalie Wood: Hello. I also love you.

[they DANCE but are SEPARATED because they are on OPPOSITE SIDES]

Tony: I can't get this girl out of my head! Her name is..."MARIA."

[he REPEATS her name, like, A MILLION TIMES]

Bernardo: Don't you see that culo again, hermana!

Rita Moreno: Leave this chica alone! "America" is a great place! And so are the people in it!

[the girls SASS the boys in SONG and DANCE]

Tony: Hey! Maria! I'm down here! And you're on a balcony! Has everyone figured out the literary allusion at this point? Good. Because "tonight" is gonna be awesome!

[meanwhile, on a STREET or an ALLEY of some kind]

Officer Krupke: You punks settle down!!

The Jets: "Gee, Officer Krupke," you sure have a stick up your ass! Here's a charm song to entertain everyone.

[meanwhile, at a BRIDAL SHOP]

Natalie Wood: Oh, boy, do "I feel pretty"! Surely nothing bad could come of the fact that my brother hates the boy I love! Tonight is going to be wonderful!

Tony: Tonight is going to be SWEET!

Bernardo and the Sharks: Tonight, we're going to win.

Riff and the Jets: No, tonight we're going to win.

Rita Moreno: Seriously, I need some ass.

[the FIGHT happens and Tony KILLS Bernardo, but only because he KILLED Riff and now everything is FUCKED]

Chino: Yo, that dude you like? Yeah, he killed your brother.

Natalie Wood: Whaaaa?

Tony: But we're still cool, right?

Natalie Wood: Yeah. "Somewhere," there's a place for us.

Rita Moreno: What? No, you idiot! "A boy like that" is no good for you!

Natalie Wood: But "I have a love"! What about that!?

Rita Moreno: Oh. Well, then that's fine.

[she sees the JETS act like ASSHOLES and tells Tony that Maria is DEAD instead of that she will be LATE]

Tony: Nooooooooooooooooooo!!! Just kill me!! KILL ME!!! I met this girl today and I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT HER!!!

Natalie Wood: Hey, I'm not dead.

Tony: Oh. Awesome.

Chino: But now you are dead!!!!

[he SHOOTS him and it is AWFUL]

Natalie Wood: You're all fuckers!

[they have a TRUCE]

Classic Musicals Week: Oklahoma

[it is, appropriately, OKLAHOMA]

Curly: "Oh, what a beautiful morning" for me to go riding along the open spaces of this wonderful state. Surely no bad thing could befall me.

[he goes to AUNT ELLER'S FARM]

Aunt Eller: I am old and sassy! Do not try to cross me!

Curly: Why, hello there, Laurey. Might I tempt you with a ride in my "surrey with a fringe on top"?

Laurey: You're lame. Get lost. But by "lame," I mean "hot," and by "lost," I mean "in my bloomers."

Pore Jud Fry: LAUREY WILL YOU GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME I LOVE YOU

Laurey: Ha ha! That'll show that cocky cowboy! I'll go to the dance with this extremely menacing man!

[meanwhile, at the DEPOT]

Will: I just got back from "Kansas City"! You know, everything is up to date there. Allow me to elaborate about all the modern inventions they have, in song.

[he DOES, but not in a GAY* WAY]

Ado Annie: I'm glad you're back, but listen...I think I might love this racial stereotype peddler dude. I mean...I am just a girl who "cain't say no."

Will: Goldurnit!

[meanwhile, back at the RANCH**]

Laurey: La, la, la! Getting ready for the dance is so fun! I love dancing in my underwear!

Random friends: Laurey, why are you going to the dance with gross Jud instead of hunky Curly?

Laurey: Oh, you hush. "Many a new day" will dawn before I get married. Until then, I'm going to go out with as many sort-of-terrifying ranch hands as possible.

Ado Annie's Dad: Girl! You gotta marry the peddler! You have sullied my family name!

Ali Hakim: Yes, I know. Seriously, my name is actually Ali Hakim. I don't want to marry her.

"It's a scandal" to think that I could be goaded into such a thing!

Curly: Okay, seriously? You need to go to the dance with me.

Laurey: Have you seen Jud Fry? He is scary. I can't tell him I don't want to go with him. Plus, if I go with you, "people will say we're in love."

Curly: Hey, Jud...why don't you kill yourself? Then everyone will be all "pore Jud is dead" and be all sad and stuff.

Pore Jud Fry: I AM STILL GOING TO THE DANCE WITH LAUREY, JACKASS

[there is a RIDICULOUSLY LONG BALLET in which Curly is revealed as Laurey's true love]Aunt Eller: Time fer the dance! Now, no fightin', y'hear? "The farmer and the cowman should be friends."

[they all go to the DANCE and some SHENANIGANS happen]

Ado Annie: Yay! Now I can marry Will!

Ali Hakim: Yay! Now I don't have to marry that annoying bitch!

Curly: Yay! Now I can marry Laurey!

Laurey: Yay! Now I can marry Curly!

Pore Jud Fry: I HATE YOU ALL

[he FALLS on his own KNIFE but it's not Curly's FAULT]

Curly: Yay! I'm not guilty!

Everyone: Yay! We live in OKLAHOMA!!!

*okay, it's pretty gay.

**literally

Classic Musicals Week: The King and I

[it is SIAM, which we know as THAILAND]

Deborah Kerr: Oh my! This country is so barbaric! I shall "whistle a happy tune" to pretend I'm not afraid!

[she goes to the PALACE because she wants a HOUSE, as per her AGREEMENT with the KING]

King: I no promise you no house! And get your head lower than mine!

Deborah Kerr: Fine! Then I am leaving!

[a BUNCH of SIAMESE CHILDREN march up to her and it is TOO ADORABLE for her to RESIST]

Deborah Kerr: Well, I would like to spend some time "getting to know you," but first, I have to say "hello, young lovers." [she TURNS to some YOUNG LOVERS] Hello.

Rita Moreno: My lover and I are both from Burma. Seriously. I am not at all Puerto Rican. I was given as a present to the king, and I don't like it here.

King: Why does she not like it here??? "Is a puzzlement"!!

[the children LEARN things, but refuse to believe in SNOW]

Deborah Kerr: Your children are adorable, but frustrating! They take after their father.

King: Please write a letter to President Lincoln, and tell him I will send him several pairs of male elephants.

Deborah Kerr: Only male elephants, your majesty?

King: You fill in the details.* YOUR HEAD MUST BE LOWER THAN MINE GET ON THE FLOOR.

Lady Thiang, the First Wife: Sometimes he says "something wonderful." This...wasn't really one of those things. But he's a good man. For reals.

[meanwhile, in the GARDEN]

Lun Tha: "We kiss in a shadow," so that we're hidden.

Rita Moreno: Yes, I know. Please stop singing so we can make out.

King: I have learned that the English think we are barbarians. Help me put together a delicious banquet to prove otherwise.

Deborah Kerr: Okay. But we mustn't forget undergarments for the wives.

[they FORGET UNDERGARMENTS and it is SCANDALOUS]

Rita Moreno: Here is a Siamese depiction of Uncle Tom's Cabin, "Small House of Uncle Thomas." This is not intended in any way to be a reflection of my current state of affairs.

[they do a SHOW and it is AMAZING]

King: I SEE THIS ALLEGORY!!

Deborah Kerr: Hey...don't get mad. "Shall we dance?"

[they DANCE and it is ROMANTIC but they NEVER KISS]

Prime Minister: Your new present girl tried to escape, but we found her, and we killed her lover.

Rita Moreno: Ay dios mio!! I mean...something in...Siamese.

Deborah Kerr: You really ARE a barbarian!! I'm leaving!!!!

Lady Thiang: But he is dying.

Deborah Kerr: Oh. Then I'll stay.

The Crown Prince: No more bowing to the king!!

King: Yes. Yes. My son is now king.

[he DIES]

Guys and Dolls

When your mom requests an ultra-condensed version of a movie, you kind of have to do it.
~~~
[it is NEW YORK in the OLDEN DAYS]
Some Gamblers: Yo! Check out these horses! They are going to win! They are going to win so hard, that I am going to sing all about it!
[they DO, in FUGUE form]
Save-a-Soul Band: No! Gambling is bad!
[they MARCH around to show the EVILS of SINNING]
Frank Sinatra: It's me, Old Blue Eyes. Except I'm not old. But still awesome. And also, I cannot find a place in which to hold my crap game, a crap game which I have hosted for a long time. I do not know what I shall do.
[he SINGS about his CRAP GAME and how it MOVES AROUND]
Marlon Brando: I'm here, in town, to bet on things. I will bet on anything. Except perhaps a card that will squirt apple juice in your ear.
Frank Sinatra: What about cheesecake? Or strudel? Or my tie? I JUST HAVE TO GAMBLE. I HAVE A PROBLEM. Wait!! I have it. I bet you can't take that Save-a-Soul doll to Havana.
Marlon Brando: DONE AND DONE.
[meanwhile, at the HOT BOX, which may or may not be some sort of INNUENDO]
Miss Adelaide: Marry me! Seriously! We've been engaged FORRRREEEVVVVERRRRRR. My parents think we have kids! This is ridiculous! But first I have to go do this mostly gratuitous, yet awesome production number.
[she and her girls STRIP in a manner that was probably SCANDALOUS at the time]
Marlon Brando: Hey, baby, wanna go to Havana? I am just a poor gambling man who wants to take a pretty doll on a date.
Jean Simmons: No, please go away. I do not like the company of men such as you. In fact, I am so aware of the type of man I will fall in love with, that I will sing about it.
[she DOES, and he JOINS IN, and they sing a SONG about NOT LOVING each other, even though OBVIOUSLY they will EVENTUALLY]
Marlon Brando: Listen, if you come to Havana with me, I will bring some sinners to your mission, and then the mission will not fail. It's a win-win situation.
[they go to HAVANA and she ges DRUNK on RUM MILK that is served in COCONUTS]
Cubans: We have fiery Latin blood! We start fights at the smallest provocation!
[there is a HUGE FIGHT and they ESCAPE out the WINDOW]
Jean Simmons: I love you now! Thanks, Cuba! You have removed the stick from my ass! I just wanna sing about it! Bells ringing and whatnot! Metaphors involving everything, including salad! Who's ever heard of a metaphor that uses SALAD?!?!
[they RETURN to New York and find the GAMBLERS in the MISSION and everyone is like SHIT]
Marlon Brando: Gah! I better round up those sinners for real.
[meanwhile, at the HOT BOX]
Miss Adelaide: Here is some more dancing. And nagging about marriage. That's kind of how I roll.
[they dress up as CATS and their COSTUMES are every little girl's DREAM if that little girl REALLY LIKES COSTUMES]
Big Julie: I'm going to use my blank dice. But I remember where the spots were.
Frank Sinatra: Uhhhh...that's...cool...I guess.
Marlon Brando: Guys! I need your souls! I need them so badly that I will bet you guys on this ONE ROLL OF THE DICE. This moment is so dramatic that a song is required.
[he SINGS about LADY LUCK and the gamblers DANCE in the SEWER and it is sort of GAY but you don't REALLY notice how GAY it is because they are GAMBLERS]
Jean Simmons: That gambler stole my heart! And made a mockery of this mission! I can't believe he made a bet that he could take me to Cuba. I will never forgiv--OH!
[a LOT of gamblers FILE IN because they LOST a BET but they're THERE so they might as well SING, which they DO]
Nicely Nicely: Yes, at one point in the chorus, I say the words "sharp lapels of my checkered coat." Try THAT three times fast.
Jean Simmons: Oh, maybe you are not a welcher, Sky Masterson. I have seen the light. You paid $1000 because you felt bad about betting on me. Lets get married.
Frank Sinatra: Okay, Miss Adelaide, I'll marry you! I have somehow bridged a gap that I was not able to bridge for 14 years.
[they have a DOUBLE WEDDING that proves that you can call it SAD or call it FUNNY, but it's better than EVEN MONEY that the GUY'S only doin' it FOR SOME DOLL]

Mamma Mia!

[it is a SUN-SOAKED GREEK ISLE]
That Girl From Mean Girls and Big Love: I really want to know who my father is! I'm so earnest about wanting to know...that I will sing about it.
[she DOES, in a BOAT]
Her Bridesmaids: OMG! You're getting married! And you invited your dad! But you don't know who he is! Let's sing about it!
That Girl From MG/BL: Okay. Turns out my mom's a slut.
[they DANCE AROUND on the BEACH, backed by VILLAGERS]
Meryl Streep: Is this me? My scene? Sorry, I had, like, four bottles of wine earlier. And maybe some poppers. I don't know. This hotel sure is run down.
[she SINGS about her CRAPPY HOTEL with the GREEKS]
Meryl Streep: Hey! It's my backup singers from my old singing group!
[they REVEL in being OLD and FRIENDS]
Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan and Stellan Skarsgard: Sup. We're here for the wedding? Or something? And we don't know each other, I guess?
That Girl From MG/BL: Don't tell my mom you're here! It's going to be a surprise that all her old flames just happened to show up!
[Meryl Streep FALLS through the ROOF whilst SINGING with the GREEK PEASANTS]
Meryl Streep: Sup. What are you all doing here? Want a cocktail? I've clearly had plenty.
[they make LAME EXCUSES for being on a REMOTE GREEK ISLE that she BELIEVES]
That Girl From MG/BL: Let's hang out on your boat, Stellan Skarsgard, though I have just met you and have given you no reason to like me, except that I'm the 20-year-old daughter of the woman you dated 20 years ago.
[they DO, and SING about the 60s, though 20 years ago would be the 80s]
Random Hot Dude: If we're going to get married, I don't want to be jealous.
[he SINGS about it on the BEACH with his HOMIES, who EMERGE from the SEA]
Meryl Streep: I'm so confused! And drunk!
[she SINGS some more while her friends PRANCE ABOUT]
Christine Baranski: No, thank you, young man who is pursuing me relentlessly, I will not sleep with you.
[they do a PRODUCTION NUMBER on the BEACH]
Meryl Streep: Time for the bachelorette party! And a number by the old ladies!
[they SING for no real REASON, in vaguely 1970s-ISH outfits]
Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, and Stellan Skarsgard: I'm your dad! I just realized! I'll give you away at your wedding!
That Girl from MG/BL: [collapses DRAMATICALLY]
Random Hot Dude: Wait, was this whole wedding your idea to find out who your dad is? That angers me enough to walk away from you, but apparently not enough to call off the wedding. Let's not resolve this fight, ever.
Meryl Streep: Let's get you dressed, young lady. I shall gaze at you in the mirror and paint your toenails and be earnest.
Pierce Brosnan: I think I love you. Here is a song that kind of makes sense in that context.
[he SINGS, terribly]
Meryl Streep: Shut up! My daughter is getting married at the top of the tallest island ever! Before we go, though, I have to give you a piece of my mind...in song!
[she sings THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL, which seriously makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER]
That Girl From MG/BL: Good, you're here! Mom, you can give me away.
Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, and Stellan Skarsgard: I'm your dad! Wait, what? Oh, let's just say we're all her dad. That'll settle it.
Meryl Streep: I'm not a slut!
Pierce Brosnan: I will marry you, Meryl Streep!
Colin Firth: I'm gay, and just hooked up with this islander!
Stellan Skarsgard: I'm...whatevs, man.
That Girl From MG/BL: Let's not get married after all, and travel the world instead! Then everyone will be happy.
[they have a DINNER and some more SINGING]
The Backup Singer Friend Who Is Not Christine Baranski: To tie things up, I will pursue Stellan Skarsgard.
[she DOES, in song, with the goddamn VILLAGERS again]
Meryl Streep: What? We have to do another number during the credits? Fine. I want 3 million more dollars. And I get to keep the disco spacewear.

Meet Me in St. Louis

Maybe after all the murder and mayhem of the past couple of posts, you would like to snack on some WWII escapism? Yes? I have seen this movie approximately one hundred million times because my little sister is kind of obsessed with it/Judy Garland/old movies in general. Note: if you are not in my family, do not attempt to play Scene It* with my family. We will fight you, and we will win.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is ST LOUIS in 1903]
Judy Garland: La, la, la, how lovely it is to live in the best city EVER, the city where the World's Fair will be held next spring! What's for dinner? Ketchup? AWESOME. Also, we need to move dinner, because my sister is getting a phone call from her boyfriend.
Cook: Phone? Wha? This new-fangled technology! I wouldn't marry a man who proposed to me over an INVENTION.*
Judy Garland: Well, figure it out. I'm going to go swoon over the literal boy next door now.
[she DOES, in SONG, whilst GAZING at him LONGINGLY, because they have NEVER MET]
Tootie: My doll is dying. I'm such a macabre child.
The Dad: Dinner early?!? NO! And stop singing that infernal song about that infernal fair!!
[the PHONE rings and he HANGS UP, which is basically like KILLING his oldest daughter]
Rose: Nooooooooooo!!!
[the PHONE rings AGAIN and she talks to her BOYFRIEND, who does NOT propose]
Judy Garland: No biggie. I mean, you got a PHONE CALL. Long distance, even! You're basically the coolest person ever. Let's get ready for the party tonight. I'm inviting the boy next door. I'm going to let him kiss me, which in 1903 is like saying I'm going to have sex with him in our parents' bed. While they're in the room.
[she FINALLY meets him and he is STILL DREAMY, and there is a HUGE dance to "Skip to My Lou"]
Tootie: I want to sing! It's a song about being drunk. I'm dark and sort of weird.
Judy Garland: Ohhhhhkay, let's sing a different song.
[they sing a SONG about the JUNGLE that is POSSIBLY RACIST]
Judy Garland: Everyone out! I need to help the boy next door...uh...find his hat! (That I hid earlier so he wouldn't leave.) And he needs to help me turn out the lights.
[she basically THROWS HERSELF at him but he SHAKES her HAND]
Boy Next Door: You've got a mighty strong grip for a girl!*
Judy Garland: GAAAH!!
[the next MORNING, she SINGS on the TROLLEY about her HEARTSTRINGS and the BELL and ZINGING]
Boy Next Door: I'm here! And I still haven't kissed you. But I am dapper.
[it is HALLOWEEN TIME]
Neighborhood Kids: Someone's gotta go throw flour at the mean old man!
Tootie: I'll do it! He poisons cats!
[she DOES and is COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT]
Kid Dressed as a Woman: Tootie, what happened?
Tootie: [in the most CREEPY VOICE a child can HAVE] I KILLED HIM.*
Neighborhood Kids: Tootie's the most horrible!!!*
[meanwhile, at the HOUSE]
Rose: I know I've got a boyfriend at Yale, but why don't you come have some ice cream? As you know, ice is hard to come by in 1903, and we are rich.
[Tootie SCREAMS and claims that the BOY NEXT DOOR tried to KILL her, but it turns out that she tried to DERAIL a TROLLEY with a FAKE DEAD BODY, which is actually really AWFUL]
Judy Garland: You jerk!
Boy Next Door: But...I didn't do anything.
Judy Garland: Oh. Sorry.
Boy Next Door: But feel free to beat me up anytime.
[he KISSES her and it is SORT OF HOT]
The Dad: Okay, we have to move to New York.
The Family: Nooooooooooooo!!!
The Dad: But we need to symbolize how America moved away from the idyllic past and into a scary future. What better way to do it?
[it is CHRISTMASTIME]
Rose: Let's lace up our corsets so tight we can't breathe! And let's dance with all the men at this dance to thwart another girl's plans. Women are such catty, competitive bitches sometimes.
Judy Garland: But I love the boy next door!
Boy Next Door: I can't go to the dance...my tuxedo's still at the cleaners.
Judy Garland: THIS IS THE WORST TRAGEDY I HAVE EVER KNOWN!!
Grandpa: I'll be your date.
[they GO and it is FINE but not that FUN until the boy next door SHOWS UP in his TUX]
Boy Next Door: Marry me! Don't move to New York!
Judy Garland: Having known you for approximately three months, I say yes.
[she goes HOME and finds Tootie all SAD because of NEW YORK and SINGS to her and it is HEARTWARMING]
Tootie: If I can't bring my snow people, I'd rather kill them!!
[she DOES and it is VIOLENT]
The Dad: Mayyyybe we shouldn't move to New York.
Everyone: Yay!
Rose's Boyfriend: I'm proposing to you now!
Rose: Yay!
[it is SPRING]
Judy Garland: St. Louis is the BEST! We're so happy! The World's Fair is amazing! Too bad this will all be ruined in World War I and the Depression. But don't worry - the prosperous 1950s are on their way, also! Chin up, movie audiences!

*Also applies to Scrabble and possibly Taboo.

Guest Post: Across the Universe

They say if you can remember the 1960's, then you weren't there. Laura McClain sure wasn't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the TURBULENT 1960’s]
Jim Sturgess: I shall sit on this wintry beach and think about my lost love.
[he HAUNTINGLY sings a VERSE from a Beatles SONG, and LOOKS like the LOVE CHILD of John Lennon and Paul McCartney]
[it is the EARLIER, less-turbulent 1960’s]
Evan Rachel Wood: Everything is so idyllic here in my upper-class suburb! I shall miss you when you go into the army, boyfriend, but I am proud of your patriotism!
[she SINGS an EARLY Beatles SONG to INDICATE her NAIVETY]
Jim Sturgess: I have to go to America. Hopefully I won’t lose my adorable Liverpool accent!
Liverpool Girlfriend: You will never return.
Jim Sturgess: Um…I TOTALLY will.
[he SINGS a Beatles SONG about LOVE, somewhat INSINCERELY]
Jim Sturgess: Time to meet my estranged father for some reason.
Estranged Father: Sorry, I didn’t know you existed. A soldier’s gotta get his kicks somehow!
Jim Sturgess: Word. No biggie.
Joe Anderson: Hey, scruffy Englishman. You represent the kind of free spirit I wish I could be. Come hang out with my preppy yet mischievous Princeton pals!
[they SING “With a Little Help From My Friends” while CREATING a very LITERAL music video]
Joe Anderson: Come home for Thanksgiving and meet my family, including my super-cute sister.
[they MEET and BOND over TEETH and FAMILY DYSFUNCTION at the BOWLING ALLEY]
Jim Sturgess: Now I love her.
[it is the TURBULENT South]
Martin Luther McCoy: My little brother died in a race riot while singing “Let it Be.” How depressing. I will move to New York armed with my acoustic guitar.
[he WALKS the STREETS to the STRAINS of “Come Together” and is AMUSED by DANCING BUSINESSMEN and SINGING PIMPS and WHORES]
Jim Sturgess: I’m so glad we moved to New York, best friend!
Joe Anderson: Dropping out of Princeton was the best choice I ever made!
[they MOVE into a SWEET boho LOFT run by Joan Osborne’s DOPPLEGANGER]
T.V. Caprio: Hey, can I move in to? Some guy beat me up, though I am a lesbian, as evidenced by that time I sang “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” to a cheerleader.
“Joan Osborne”: Where did you come from?
Jim Sturgess: She came in through the bathroom window.*
[MEANWHILE, back in SUBURBIA]
Evan Rachel Wood: La la la…I love riding my bike innocently….who’s that uniformed Army man at my door?
[her CUTE Army BOYFRIEND is DEAD and it is SAD]
Evan Rachel Wood: I must escape to New York!
[she DOES and REUNITES with Jim Sturgess in a SWEET fashion]
Jim Sturgess: Let’s sit by the river and talk about death and the a-changing times.
Evan Rachel Wood: Now I love you.
[they SHARE the DEEPEST tongue-kiss EVER]
Joe Anderson: My ass got drafted. Guess dropping out of Princeton wasn’t such a good idea after all.
[he BURNS his DRAFT CARD but STILL goes to the ARMY office where UNIFORMED robot-men EXAMINE him in an awesome DANCE NUMBER]
Evan Rachel Wood: Let’s go to one last bitchin’ party before you get drafted, beloved brother.
[they go to a TRIPPY party where BONO sings “I Am the Walrus” and they all DROP ACID]
Bono: Come on my love bus!
[they RIDE on a BUS and it is WEIRD]
Bono: Now we’re in California, somehow! Bye kids!
[they FIND a TENT and Eddie Izzard PERFORMS “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite” and it makes NO FUCKING SENSE]
Everyone: Woo! Free love!
[now that DRUGS have been SUFFICIENTLY covered, they GO BACK to WAR STUFF]
Evan Rachel Wood: I must get involved in the anti-war movement!
Jim Sturgess: But….remember the free love part? Where we just laid around and made out all day? Don’t you want to do that instead?
Evan Rachel Wood: No, I’m good with the whole social justice thing. But thanks.
[he SULKS like a BITCH and then MAKES a SCENE at the WAR-PROTESTING place while SINGING “Revolution”]
Evan Rachel Wood: Our love cannot survive my political activism!
[they BREAK UP and it is SAD]
Joe Anderson: Hey remember me? From the war? I went nuts.
[he LIES in a HOSPITAL bed and HALLUCINATES that Salma Hayek is his NURSE]
Everyone: The sixties are filled with angst!
[there is a WAR protest and Jim Sturgess gets ARRESTED and DEPORTED cause he’s been an ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT the whole MOVIE]
Jim Sturgess: Well, back in Liverpool. Might as well get drunk.
[he GOES to a BAR and FANTASIZES about Joe Anderson SINGING “Hey Jude” which EMBOLDENS him to go BACK to America, as it is his CHARACTER’S name]
Joe Anderson: Hooray! I will take you to this rooftop in our final homage to the Beatles.
[they ALL sing “All You Need is Love” and Evan Rachel Wood HEARS it from the STREET and CLIMBS to the ROOF of the BUILDING next door while STARING at Jim Sturgess
POIGNANTLY]
Everyone: All you need is love! Aren’t you jealous that you missed the sixties?

Aladdin

[it is an INDETERMINATE MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY]
Aladdin: I’m hungry, monkey sidekick! Let’s steal some bread…in SONG!
[they are CHASED by EVERYONE whilst SINGING but ESCAPE and GAZE at the SUMPTUOUS PALACE]
Princess Jasmine: I’m sooooo bored. Being a princess is lame.
[a BUNCH of suitors come, but they all SUCK]
Princess Jasmine: Peace out, bitches. I’m doing the royal undercover bit.
Aladdin: Hey! You seem to be not very street-smart. I shall help you, for you are very beautiful.
[they get into some SCRAPES and he is ARRESTED and THROWN in JAIL because they think he KIDNAPPED the princess]
Princess Jasmine: Hey! What happened to that fun guy I met out on the town?
Jafar: We killed him. Sorry.
[Jafar uses his MAGIC SWIRLY THING and realizes that Aladdin can LEAD him to the MAGIC LAMP]
Jafar: So…we’re going to go out into the desert. Alone. It’ll be fun!! Just go get me this lamp, and make sure not to touch anything.
[the FREAKING MONKEY touches something and the CAVE swallows them]
Aladdin: Ha HA! My street smarts have saved me again, for I have kept the lamp. Suckaaa!
Jafar: Nooooooooo!! I shall prevail!!
[Aladdin RUBS the lamp and a GENIE appears because HELLO it's MAGIC]
Robin Williams: Though I am a cartoon, I still play myself.
[he SINGS about being a GENIE, which kind of SUCKS since you live in a LAMP]
Aladdin: Okay, well, obviously, my first wish is to get out of this cave. And also I would like to marry Princess Jasmine.
Robin Williams: I can’t make her love you, but I can give you many material things that most girls like.
[they SING about how many CAMELS and DANCERS and shit he has]
Princess Jasmine: This does not impress me, for I am my own person. I don’t need no man!!
Aladdin: What else you got, genie?
[he takes her on a LITERAL MAGIC CARPET RIDE across, like, the WORLD]
Princess Jasmine: You are a very good singer. Have we met before?
Aladdin: Uh…no.
Jafar: Noooooo!! My evil plans!! Foiled!!!! BUT WAIT!
[he STEALS the lamp and becomes ALL-POWERFUL and does a bunch of EVIL STUFF]
Princess Jasmine: Why am I wearing this sexy red outfit?
Jafar: Because you are my SLAVE now! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
Aladdin: Hey, wouldn’t you like to be a genie?? He's waaaaaay more powerful than you.
Jafar: Ooh, good call!
[he WISHES to be a GENIE and is STUCK in a LAMP for a THOUSAND YEARS]
Aladdin: Suckaaaaa!
[he WISHES the genie FREE but the genie is still all BIG and BLUE]
Princess Jasmine: You are tooooootally that dude from the street.
Aladdin: Yeah. Sorry I lied. Let’s kiss.
[everyone SINGS]

Guest Post: Cinderella

I think Laura would agree with the poster at left...truly, Cinderella is for all the world to love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is a LONG time AGO, in a FAR-AWAY KINGDOM]
Warbling Singers of the 1950’s: Cin. Der. ELLA….you’re as lovely as your name…
[a JEWEL-ENCRUSTED book OPENS very SLOWLY]
Narrator: There once was a really nice guy with a really cute daughter. And then he got married and died and his evil wife made his cute daughter work as a servant. She was still cool though.
[it is LATER]
Cheerful Songbirds: Chirp chirp! Chirrrrrrp!
Adorable Mice: Oh boy, time for Cinderelly to wake up!!
[they CLIMB all over a SLEEPING Cinderella and CHIRP in her EAR]
Cinderella: Oh, you adorable little woodland creatures. You just spoiled my wonderful dream.
[instead of YELLING at them and KICKING them out of her TOWER, she SINGS a LOVELY song about DREAMING and WISHING and your HEART, and the WOODLAND creatures get all MOONY]
Cinderella: It sucks to be an indentured servant to my family, but luckily I have you precious birds and mice to dress and bathe me! And do my hair!
Jacques, the Cool Mouse: Cinderelly! There’s a new, naked mouse that Lucifer, the evil cat is going to eat!
Cinderella: Oh no! I shall save him. Your name will be Octavious. But for short, we’ll call you Gus.*
[she GIVES Gus a HUMAN OUTFIT, including a JAUNTY hat, cause she has EXTRAS]
Gus, the Fat Mouse: Yaaaaay!
[Cinderella FEEDS everyone, and there is an EXTENDED and STRESSFUL sequence where it LOOKS like Lucifer is going to EAT the mice, but they ESCAPE]
Evil Step-people: CINDERELLA!!!
Cinderella: I’m coming, I’m coming!
[she CARRIES their TRAYS on her HANDS and HEAD cause she is the COOLEST]
Evil Stepmother: Clean the drapes. And the carpets and the walls and the kitchen, and the walls, and the dirt outside, if you have to.
Cinderella: But I just finished - *
Evil Stepmother: DO THEM AGAIN!*
[MEANWHILE, in the CASTLE…]
King: My son needs to get married. I really want grandchildren, almost to a creepy extent.
Effeminate Duke: Hmmm. Well, we could have a big party and invite all the single ladies!
[he POLISHES his MONOCLE]
King: Perfect! And, as I am oddly violent, if you don’t find a wife for him, I WILL KILL YOU.
Effeminate Duke: [GULPS]
[back at the HOUSE of INDENTURED SERVITUDE, someone DELIVERS an INVITATION to the BALL]
Evil Stepmother: All eligible women are required to attend!
Anastasia, the Stepsister: And I’m so eligible!*
Cinderella: That means I can go too!
Stepsisters: NOOOOO!
Evil Stepmother: Um…sure you can go. If you finish all your chores. And if you can find something to wear.
[the STEPSISTERS laugh, cause that will NEVER HAPPEN]
Cinderella: I’m going to remodel my mom’s old ball gown! How poignant!
Step-people: CINDERELLA!!!
Jacques: Poor Cinderelly. She’ll NEVER get her dress done.
[the WOODLAND CREATURES sing a SONG that is at FIRST a sad DIRGE about Cinderella, but then turns into a JOYOUS production NUMBER]
Mice and Birds: Yay! We can help Cindrelly make her dress!
Jacques: Come on, Gus-Gus! We’ll help Cinderella accessorize!
[they GET chased by the CAT after STEALING accessories that the STEPSISTERS hatefully DISCARDED]
Cinderella: Sigh. I couldn’t make my dress. I guess I can’t go to the ball.
Mice and Birds: Oh YEAH???
[they REVEAL the BEAUTIFUL dress they MADE for her and I CRY]
Stepsisters: You stole our hideous accessories! You will pay!
[they RIP apart her DRESS and it is HORRIBLE]
Cinderella: What the use? What’s the USE??*
[some SPARKLES float through the AIR and REFORM as a CHUBBY old LADY]
Mysterious Stranger: Sup, Cinderella? It’s your lucky day! I’m your fairy godmother!
[she SINGS a MAGICAL song whilst turning ANIMALS and VEGETABLES into CARRIAGES and SERVANTS]
Fairy Godmother: Look! You have a beautiful dress and glass shoes! Practical AND comfortable! But this spell can only last until midnight for some reason. Don’t be late!
Cinderella: I won’t!
[she GOES to the BALL in SPLENDOR]
Everyone: HUH????
[Cinderella MEETS the PRINCE and he is WAY INTO HER, and they SING a ROMANTIC song]
The Clock: Ding dong!
Cinderella: Aaaa! I broke curfew!
[she RUNS away, leaving only a GLASS shoe]
King: Find her! Or I WILL KILL YOU.
Evil Stepmother: They are coming to try the shoe on everyone. Cinderella, why are you so moony and vacant today? Wait a second…
[she LOCKS Cinderella in a TOWER]
Birds and Mice: We will save you!
[they STEAL the KEY and CARRY it up MILLIONS of STAIRS]
Jacques: We are so close, but the evil cat will foil our plans! Kill it, faithful dog!
[he PRESUMABLY does]
Cinderella: I’m here to try on the shoe!
[the Evil Stepmother TRIPS the Duke and BREAKS the SHOE]
Effeminate Duke: NOOOOOO!
Cinderella: No biggie. I have the other one.
[the MUSIC gets SUPER DRAMATIC to INDICATE the Evil Stepmother’s COMEUPPANCE]
Birds and Mice: Yaaaaay!
[Cinderella and the Prince get MARRIED though they NEVER had a CONVERSATION]

Dumbo

[it is the CIRCUS]
The Stork: Dang! I can't figure out where I'm supposed to go! I better check this map of Florida, which looks exactly like the actual state.
[all the other BABY ANIMALS are DELIVERED to their respective MAMAS]
Train: Woooo woooooo!!
The Stork: Gahhhhh!! The train is leaving!! And I have this baby elephant sinking through this cloud!!
Dumbo's Mom: [looks CONCERNED]
The Stork: Wait!! Waaaaait!! I have your baby!!
[he goes through an ELABORATE PROCESS to let her have the BABY, including a SONG, an ALTERNATE SONG, and a CONTRACT]
Other Elephants: Ooooooh, he's so cuuuuute!!
Dumbo: [SNEEZES to reveal HUGE ears]
Other Elephants: Noooo!! You're different! Now we are going to laugh at you!
Stupid Jackass Big-Eared Kid: That elephant looks ridiculous! Look at his ears!
[Dumbo is ADORABLE and LIKES it when everyone LAUGHS, but his MOM knows they are being MEAN and tries to TRAMPLE them]
Ringmaster: Though you were protecting your baby, you're getting locked up!
[it is SO SAD]
Timothy the Mouse: Why so glum, chum? Your mom's in jail? That stinks. I'm going to make you a star to heal your sadness.
[he WHISPERS in the ringmaster's EAR to make Dumbo the STAR of the CIRCUS]
Ringmaster: It's perfect!!
[the ELEPHANTS all climb onto ONE SINGLE BALL and Dumbo CRASHES into it when he is supposed to JUMP and all the elephants do a bunch of PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE stunts]
Other Elephants: Did you hear, gossipy bitches? They made Dumbo a clown. The shaaaaaame!!!
[Dumbo has to be a BABY CLOWN and JUMP off a high tower into a POOL of CREAM while the clowns do a BUNCH of CLOWN SHIT, including STOKING the FIRE with GASOLINE]
Timothy the Mouse: I know it stinks being a clown...let's go visit your mom after I bathe you with this toothbrush. Wait, that's going to take forever. Let's just go.
[she puts her TRUNK out of the JAIL CELL and ROCKS him and it is TRAGICALLY SAD]
Clowns: We rule!! Let's drink champagne and ask for more money! Let's build a 300-foot tower for Dumbo to jump off of!
[they KNOCK the champagne into DUMBO'S WATER and Dumbo and Timothy DRINK it and get DRUNK]
Pink Elephants on Parade: We are the freakiest thing you have ever seen, ever.
[Dumbo and Timothy WAKE UP in a TREE]
Crows: What the hell are you doing in a tree? And why do we keep saying "brother"? Are we supposed to be black dudes? Is that racist? Oh, Disney, you old bigot, you!
Timothy the Mouse: I know! You must be able to fly, Dumbo!
Dumbo: [looks PUZZLED]
Crows: Here, take this magic feather.
[they PUSH him off a CLIFF and he FLIES]
Timothy the Mouse: Okay, get ready to wow them at the circus!
[Dumbo LOSES his MAGIC FEATHER but he is STILL able to FLY because the POWER was WITHIN him ALL ALONG]
Crowd: Whaaaaaa???
International Press: We love your huge ears!
Other Elephants: Uh...we like you too, I guess.
[Dumbo and his mom ride in a PRIVATE car on the CIRCUS TRAIN that is all FUTURISTIC]

Beauty and the Beast

[it is PROVINCIAL FRANCE]
Townspeople: Belle sure is pretty, but also weird. Let’s sing
about it.
[they DO, and conduct BUSINESS at the SAME TIME]
Belle: I love books! Girls, don’t you love reading?!? My friends the sheep also love books.
Sheep: Book pages are delicious!
[she SINGS and is BEAUTIFUL but also SMART because she READS]
Gaston: Hey, hot stuff. Wanna get married?
Belle: Ew. No. Get lost.
Gaston Groupies: She’s so stupid!
[her father INVENTS a THING and decides to take it to THE FAIR]
Father: I’ll be back soon! Don’t worry about me – I’m just going to take the shortcut through the wolf-infested forest.
Phillippe, the Horse: Peace out!
[he finds a CASTLE and goes IN to escape the SPOOKINESS]
Beast: RRRAARRRGH! Get out of my castle!! Wait, no! Get in my jail!!
Belle: I wonder where my father is…
[she is SPUNKY, so she goes to FIND him]
Objects in the Castle: A girl!! Sweet! Now we can be human again! She just has to fall in love with the beast!
[he ROARS and everyone is like CRAP, they are NOT falling in love ANYTIME soon]
Beast: If I let your father go, you have to stay here.
Belle: Fine. I love it here. Whatever. I’ll be in my room.
[meanwhile, back at the TAVERN]
Gaston: I’m awesome! Sing me a hearty tune about how swell I am!
His Sidekick: It will definitely involve your skill at spitting!
Gaston: Hey! I just had an idea! I’ll throw Belle’s dad in the loony bin, and then she’ll HAVE to marry me! That’s SURE to work, and to gain her love!
[back at the ENCHANTED CASTLE]
Belle: Now I’m hungry.
[the CANDLESTICK sings her a SONG about how she should EAT MORE while the PLATES and SPOONS do a DANCE]
Belle: I guess it’s not so bad here. Not all spooky woodland castles have dancing flatware. But what’s in this specifically-forbidden area of the castle? I better look.
Beast: Get ouuuuuuuut!!!!
[she tries to RUN AWAY but is ATTACKED by the WOLVES and then SAVED by the BEAST]
Beast: If you want to read, I have a library.
Objects in the Castle: They love each other!!! The library proves it!
[they SING and CAVORT in the SNOW and are generally ADORABLE]
Belle: I can see in this magic mirror that my father is sick. I gotta go.
[he LETS her go because he is NICE now]
Objects in the Castle: Shit!!
[she FINDS her father and goes HOME but Gaston’s IDIOT HENCHMAN is there]
Gaston: So…your father’s getting locked up, eh? If you marry me, I’ll make it all go away, because I’m a manly man.
Belle: You jackass! Let my father go! Haven’t I already proven that I am not interested in outside appearances??
Gaston: Hey…what’s up with this beast in this magic mirror? He looks scary, but defeatable.
Belle: Don’t you talk about him like that!
Gaston: Gross! You love him! I’m going to round up an unruly mob with my hearty singing.
[they MARCH to the CASTLE with PITCHFORKS and other MOB PARAPHERNALIA]
Beast: Whatevs. I’m depressed. Let them kill me.
Objects in the castle: ATTACK!
[the OBJECTS fight the PEOPLE in a HILARIOUS manner]
Gaston: I will take you down, beast!
[they FIGHT on the ROOF and Gaston FALLS to his DEATH, but not before MORTALLY WOUNDING the beast]
Belle: Noooooooooooo!!! Your kind soul has trumped your ugly exterior! I love you!
[MAGIC FINGER LASERS come out of the beast’s hands and he is RESTORED to his former HOTNESS, though he is actually sort of WEIRD-LOOKING]
Objects, Who Are Now People: Yay! We didn’t age when we were living as animate objects! [everyone SINGS]

The Little Mermaid

[it is THE SEA]
Triton, the Sea King: Here are all of my singing daughters. Aren’t they beautiful? And obedient? And aren't those antiquated traits to value in a daughter?
[they sing a SONG that ENDS ABRUPTLY when the YOUNGEST is NOT in her ASSIGNED SHELL]
Triton: ARIELLLLLLLLLL!!! Why are you so MODERNNNNN???
Ariel: La, la, la…I’m such a brave princess! I want to discover life outside the ocean! Come on, trusty sidekick…let’s get into some trouble.
Buddy Hackett: This is a dinglehopper.
Audience of Children: That's really a fork! You so crazy, Scuttle!
Ariel: Human life is soooooo awesome.
[she SINGS about FORKS and WALKING and LEGS]
Triton: I’m very disappointed in you for missing the concert.
Sebastian, his Crab Sidekick: Yes, and I am very Jamaican.
Ariel: Look! A ship! They have LEGS! That must be SO COOL!
[there is a SHIPWRECK and the HANDSOME PRINCE Eric almost DROWNS but she SAVES him and falls INSTANTLY in LOVE with him]
Ariel: You are so handsome that it makes me want to sit on this rock and sing a reprise!
[she DOES SO]
Sea Witch: I just got the BEST IDEA. We’ll trick the princess into giving me her voice to me and then she’ll be OURS!
Hench-Eels: Yesssssssssss. We’ll go get her.
Sebastian: Oh, this is not good. A mermaid and a human may fall in love, but where will they live? So many echoes of society.
[he SINGS about how being UNDERWATER is AWESOME, with the help of MANY MUSICAL SEA CREATURES]
Sebastian: Where’d she go?
Ariel: I need to go be in my grotto for a while and gaze at this statue of the handsome prince.
[her father DISCOVERS her GROTTO and DESTROYS it]
Ariel: You'll be sorry! Now I'm rebelling!!
[she goes to URSULA'S PLACE through a field of WRAITHS
Ariel: Hi. I heard you do spells. Can I get some legs? They look SO COOL!
Sea Witch: Suuuuuure.
[she SINGS about how she is NOT MEAN, though she actually is SUPER MEAN]
Sea Witch: Oh, and I’ll need your voice as payment.
Ariel: But that’s my main attraction! Well, that and my naturally bouncy red hair, my wide, lovely eyes, my impossibly tiny waist, my delicate feet, my perfectly clear skin…
Sea Witch: YEAH. WE GET IT. You’re cute. You’ll be fine as a mute. Just make sure you kiss him within three days, or ELSE.
[she does a SPELL that involves the word LARYNGITIS, causing Ariel to GROW LEGS]
Ariel: [SILENCE]
Prince Eric: Hey, a hot girl wrapped in a tarp! She looks weirdly familiar. Come on, strange
girl. Let’s go to the palace.
[they HANG OUT and he is AMUSED by her SILENT ANTICS with a FORK and a PIPE]
Sebastian: I can’t help you get him to kiss you right now, for I am being chased by a singing French chef. But you got to pukkah your lips...LIKE DIS.*
Prince Eric: I really like you, though I have never heard you speak. Let’s ride in a boat and be romantic.
Sebastian: He has to kiss her or the sea witch will win!!! I shall use my skills at organizing woodland and aquatic creatures to help the wooing process along.
[they SING and it is MARVELOUS, but the HENCH-EELS upset the boat BEFORE they can KISS]
Sea Witch: That was a close one! I’ve got to re-evaluate my plan.
[she somehow INGESTS Ariel’s VOICE and SHAPE-SHIFTS into a HOT BRUNETTE]
Prince Eric: Well, I really prefer redheads, but that voice…it’s…hypnotizing me…
[he is LITERALLY under her SPELL]
Buddy Hackett: Gahhhhhh!! We have to help Ariel stop the wedding, which for some reason is happening on a boat!
[they DRAG Ariel in a BARREL and she CRASHES the wedding, but it is TOO LATE]
Sea Witch: Muhahahaha!!! Now I have you!!
Triton: Wait!! Take me instead! Shrink me into a wraith or whatever the hell you do to people when they don’t pay.
Sea Witch: Suckaaaaaaa!!! Now I’m going to kill Prince Eric!!
Ariel: Oh HELLLLL no!!
[she PULLS on her HAIR so Ursula MISSES Eric and shoots her HENCH-EELS]
Sea Witch: Noooooo!!! My poopsies!*
[she is PISSED and gets RIDICULOUSLY HUGE]
Sea Witch: Now I will entrap you in a whirlpool for some reason, though I could just squash you or something. Stay down there while I shoot and miss many, many times!
[Prince Eric SPIKES her with a BOAT and she goes DOWN]
Prince Eric: Oh…the girl with the voice was you all along. Sweet.
Triton: Though I am baffled at why you like these “legs” so much, I see that you are happy on land. Here. Have some legs and a sparkly blue dress so you’re not naked.
[everyone SINGS]

Marci X

I actually really liked this movie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is NEW YORK]
Lisa Kudrow: Hello, Jews. Thank you for coming to this luxurious Upper East Side humanitarian benefit gala to honor my father, the most wonderful white man of all and the owner of FeldCo.
Conveniently Placed News Report: FeldCo is being disparaged by a U.S. Senator! Let's go to the scene.
Christine Baranski: This rapper is offensive to all human beings, everywhere! There is a song called "I Love You Because I'm High" on this album! FeldCo owns the record label! Boycott all FeldCo products!
Team of Lawyers: This won't do at all! Our money can't buy us out of this jam!
Lisa Kudrow's Dad: Gahhh! I'm having a heart attack! I wish I had a son who could take care of this problem.
Lisa Kudrow: I can do it!
LK's WASP-y friends: Prove him wrong! Go tell that rapper what's what! Where is he?
Lisa Kudrow: Uptown. All the way.*
[they go to a CONCERT filled with many BLACK PEOPLE and somehow end up ONSTAGE while Damon Wayans PERFORMS a song called "The Power in My Pants"]
Damon Wayans: Bitch, I ain't apologizin' for SHIT. Unless you can rap.
Lisa Kudrow: Well...maybe I WILL.
[she RAPS POORLY but then PERFORMS a song called "The Power in My Purse," causing the CROWD to CHEER]
Damon Wayans: Fine. I'll go to your cracker-ass public service announcement.
[he TAPES a PSA with a BOY BAND, but TRICKS them into singing LYRICS about how GAY they are]
Lisa Kudrow: Oh, you!! Well, let's try again. Come with me to a fundraiser to support CWHNFITA - Children Who Have No Feeling In Their Arms.
[he DOES, and CHARMS the WASP audience by being SEXY and BLACK]
Sheri Renee Scott: He's a player!*
Jane Krakowski: We're his bitches!!*
[they go to a CLUB, where the WHITE GIRLS get HIGH and do an AFRICAN DANCE that is first REJECTED and then ACCEPTED by the crowd]
Yolanda: Puta! You have stolen my man! Now we fight!
[Lisa Kudrow CLOCKS her in the FACE with a TAE BO move and is ARRESTED]
Damon Wayans: Yo, baby, I'll bail you out. Do you like my shirt with the biggest zipper pull in the world?
Lisa Kudrow: Uh...yeah.
Damon Wayans: You was mad sexy when you beat up that chick last night. You wanna go back to my place?
Lisa Kudrow: Yes! Will you sing a nice song on the VMAs instead of a violent one?
[they GET IT ON]
Large Suge Knight-esque Man: What the fuck, yo? Why are you with this white chick?
Damon Wayans: Don't worry, I got this.
[he PERFORMS on the VMAs and sings a song called "I Love You (In The Butt)"]
Christine Baranski: Oh my! Scandal! A hearing! A hearing!
[they have a HEARING in which they trick WHITE AMERICA into believing that "in the butt" is an EBONICS term meaning "with respect"]
Christine Baranski: I don't buy it!!
Damon Wayans: I have a better idea...
[he RECORDS a song for the SENATOR]
Christine Baranski: This is the catchiest song ever!!
[she CANNOT HELP but DANCE]
Damon Wayans: You liked that song, right? Nice dancing!
Christine Baranski: Wait, how do you know that???
Her Son: I taped you so I could meet that boy band. I'm latently gay! Hahahahaaaa!!!
Lisa Kudrow: We blackmailed you and won! Hooray!
[she and Damon Wayans MAKE OUT in the COURTROOM]
Lisa Kudrow: I'm going to start a hip-hop fashion line!
[they all do a FUCKING AWESOME number that wraps up ALL the storylines]

Other notable hilarity that didn't fit in here:
--Photo of Lisa Kudrow's mother, who was killed by a leopard, in her coffin, in a leopard skin coat.
--Dress worn by Yolanda made of those "Parental Advisory" labels.
--WASP-y friend, on heroin: "But does the weight stay off?
--Senator, on being a prude: "There are millions more like me. It's called Utah."

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

[it is a GLAMOROUS ERA]
Marilyn Monroe: I want to marry you so bad, rich and kind of dorky man!
Rich/Kind of Dorky Man: Hooray! Let's go to France!
His Dad: Nuh uh!
Marilyn Monroe: Fine! I'll go to France!
Rich/Kind of Dorky Man: Okay, I'll pay for it!
Jane Russell: Yeah...I should probably go along, since you're some sort of magpie slut who will put out for anything shiny.
[they ATTRACT many of the men on board, including the OLYMPIC TEAM]
Piggy: Although I am old and saggy, I am also rich and own a literal diamond mine.
Jane Russell: Don't tell my friend.
Marilyn Monroe: DIAMONDS?! Did someone say DIAMONDS?!
[she DANCES with Piggy and talks a lot about DIAMONDS]
Tall Dude: Hey there...I am rich.
Jane Russell: Yeah...that works with my friend over there, but not me, buster.
Tall Dude: Hmmm...I will have to get her attention another way so that I can continue to spy on her friend whose fiance's father has hired me for that express purpose.
[Jane Russell DANCES with the OLYMPIC TEAM, who are kind of GAY]
Every Man on Board: Let us sit with those hot girls!!
[Marilyn Monroe ACCIDENTALLY requests that some CHILD sit at their table because he is RICH]
Piggy: Now I shall pretend to be a python for some reason!
Tall Dude: Now I have incriminating photos of you! Ha HA!!
[a series of SHENANIGANS related to RETRIEVING the film OCCUR, including DRUGGING Tall Dude and stealing his PANTS]
Marilyn Monroe: Your wife will never see these photos, so...GIVE ME DIAMONDS!
His Wife: Um, those are mine.
Jane Russell: You can't prove we have them!
His Wife: You will find that I mean business.*
Jane Russell: Then why are you wearing that hat?*
Everyone Else: BURN!!
[Marilyn and Jane go to PARIS but are CUT OFF by Marilyn's fiance, who saw the COMPROMISING PICTURES, so they get SWEET-ASS JOBS at some NIGHTCLUB]
Marilyn Monroe: Remember how much I love diamonds? Now I'm going to sing about it, and be super-iconic.
Jane Russell: Um, we need to give the tiara back.
Marilyn Monroe: It's gone! What do we do????
Jane Russell: It's so OBVIOUS!! You get the money from your angry fiance and also make him fall back in love with you, and I'll pretend to be you so I can also sing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," only in a COURTROOM!
Marilyn Monroe: Oh, duh. That's obviously the best plan.
Tall Dude: Hey, I got the tiara back because I love you, Jane Russell, and also I am not rich.
Jane Russell: Awesome!
[they have a DOUBLE WEDDING on the SHIP]

Guest Post: On a Clear Day You Can See Forever

Babs, Babs, Babs. Such a strange choice, really, when you think about it. A musical re: past lives? Although I guess it's not that much weirder than any other 1960s musical...I mean, a musical based on the stories of King Arthur's court? A musical about farmers and cowhands (who should be friends)? And Seven Brides for Seven Brothers doesn't even really have a plot. So I guess I'm fine with it, actually. Jason Whittle tries to make sense of it all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[It is the EARLY 60s in NYC]
Barbra Streisand [sung]: There are flowers everywhere that I am dancing through, it is a clear day and see how quirky I aaaaam. Here I stand, watch me stand, now I’ll twirl, yes I will, ready or noooot. Go to this school, sure I will, I don’t belong but still I gooooo.
[It is a college PSYCHOLOGY class]
Yves Montand: You are getting very sleeeeepy, your eyes are tired.
[dude falls ASLEEP]
Yves Montand: You will think you are five again when I count to three. One, two, thr…
Barbra Streisand: Give me back my chalk you dummy! Gimme, gimme, waaaaa!!
Yves Montand: Oh, oops, you got hypnotized by mistake, my bad.
Barbra Streisand: Actually I wanted to get hypnotized anyway, cuz my fiancée has a big important meeting and he will be an utter failure if I smoke so please help me quit smoking. Also, isn’t this Long Island accent a little ruff and expected. But wait, it might be crucial later to help distinguish…stuff. Oh, and it’s in the dictionary.
Yves Montand: Mon dieu! You didn’t even know what I was looking for let alone where it was. But…how?
Barbra Streisand: That’s just me. Answer your phone.
[The PHONE starts ringing]
Yves Montand: But, I am a man of science and ESP is impossible. Quick let me hypnotize you.
Barbra Steisand: K.
[he does and they talk about smoking UNTIL…]
Barbra Streisand: [in a POSH BRITISH ACCENT]: I am Melinda Such-and-Such So-and-so and furthermore plus some and I am OUTRAGED!
[it is VICTORIAN ENGLAND and Babs is on TRIAL]
I am innocent!
[it is the EARLY 60s in NYC]
Yves Montand: Mon dieu! What the fuck is happening?
[it is VICTORIAN ENGLAND]
Barbra Streisand: I was born poor, see how I can speak with a cockney accent now? That maid was my mom in this lifetime. She jokes with me about being a slut, ha ha. Although I have a husband, I want that man to be mine and I shall make him mine by using my ESP powers.
[it is the EARLY 60s in NYC]
Yves Montand: But…he’s a douche! Love me Melinda!! Even tho I don’t believe in reincarnation and even if I did, you’re long dead, LOVE ME!
[early 60s]
[VICTORIAN ENGLAND]
[early 60s]
[VICTORIAN ENGLAND]
[early 60s]
[VICTORIAN ENGLAND]
[early 60s]
[VICTORIAN ENGLAND]
[early 60s]
Audience: What the fuck is this movie?!?!
Jack Nicholson: I am Barbra Streisand’s former step-brother and I love her. I’m also a hippie and I am rich. Noone is really sure why I’m here.
Barbra Streisand: I think I love Yves Montand. I better listen to this tape.
[She listens]
Barbra Streisand: What the…I have a past life?!? AND, that asshole doctor hates me and just wants to use me to get to my former self – Melinda! Well, I won’t let him.
Yves Montand: Please Barbra Streisand, let me hypnotize you somemore. I promise I don’t love Melinda.
[She won’t let him and they SEPARATE]
Yves Montand: Mon dieu! How to get her back? I know!!!! Using my powers of telepathy, I shall sing to her from atop a really tall building, that way, she won’t be able to escape me.
[He does and there is footage of many RANDOM PEOPLE singing at Barbra Streisand with Yves Montand’s VOICE]
Barbra Streisand: OMG! Stop it! I can’t take it. Fine, hypnotize me once more.
[he does]
OMG! Stop it! I can’t take it. Fine, hypnotize me once more.
[he does]
Yves Montand: Were we ever married in any of your other lives?
Barbra Streisand: Oui.
Yves Montand: Mon dieu! When was it? Where did we live? What were our names?
Barbra Streisand: We were John and Louise Thorndike and we lived in Virginia in 2038.
Yves Montand: Wake up and go your own way, knowing now that you are worth something and remember, on a clear day…you can see forever.
Audience: Huh?

Everyone Says I Love You

[it is NEW YORK]
Edward Norton: Drew Barrymore, I love you so much that I'm going to sing about it!!
[he DOES, with help from NANNIES and STREET PEOPLE]
Natasha Lyonne: Sup. Here's my crazy family. There's a lot of us, and we do crazy stuff. Also, we sometimes sing.
Alan Alda: My son cannot be a Republican! We are New York Democrats! Take THAT, flyover country!!
Edward Norton: Please help me pick out a ring for your sister...in SONG!
[he and Natasha Lyonne have a DANCE BREAK at Harry Winston]
Drew Barrymore: OMG, this dessert is AMAZING! Wait, I just ate the engagement ring! NOOOO!!
[they go the HOSPITAL and sing "MAKIN' WHOOPEE with many EXPECTANT MOTHERS]
Goldie Hawn: As a New York Democrat, I fight for the little guy whilst I have many clothes and jewels. Here, meet this nice, recently released convict.
Tim Roth: Hey, ladies.
Drew Barrymore: I'm about to swoon! In song!
[she DUMPS Ed Norton for the CONVICT but then thinks BETTER of it]
Natasha Lyonne: 'Kay, now I'm going to my dad's house in Paris. My dad and mom and stepdad all kick it, because we're a modern family. Also, I give my dad relationship advice.
Woody Allen: That woman, she's, she's gorgeous, but I think she's married.
Natasha Lyonne: No worries! I know everything about her because her shrink is my mom's friend and I heard her therapy session! Use all this information to get her to fall for you! That couldn't possibly backfire!
[he WOOS her with the INFORMATION and she thinks he is in her BRAIN and/or DREAMS]
Julia Roberts: Hey, it's me again, Julia Roberts. Though I am essentially the same whenever you see me, somehow it works here.
[everyone goes to PARIS and does a GROUCHO MARX number at CHRISTMAS]
Woody Allen: I still love you.
Goldie Hawn: Let's dance on the riverbank.
[they DO, with WIRES, and it is LOVELY]
Everyone: I love you.

Classics Week: The Sound of Music

[it is AUSTRIA]

Julie Andrews: Oh, how I love being a nun! I’m going to sing about it.

[she DOES]

Mother Superior: You know…you’re not all that great a nun. Maybe you should, like, learn about the world or something. Go be a governess.

Julie Andrews: Governess? Now I’m a little nervous. Maybe I’ll sing about it.

[she DOES, and SWINGS her guitar JAUNTILY]

Christopher Plummer: I heart the military. Thus, I treat my children like troops. I wish someone would come into my life to change me into a nicer person.

Julie Andrews: I’m ready to govern! Or governess! Whatever the verb is!

[the CHILDREN test her PATIENCE, but in time, they GROW TO LOVE her]

Some of those middle children: We’re scared of the storm!

Julie Andrews: You are? Why don’t we sing about it?

[they DO]

Children: We’re not allowed to sing, because it reminds our father of our dead mother, and also makes him realize that the countess he’s dating is a total bitch.

Julie Andrews: Whaaaaaat? That’s ridiculous. Here – let’s sing a song…about singing!

[they DO, and are all AMAZING, though they have never been ALLOWED to sing, EVER]

Julie Andrews: Let’s do a puppet show! With singing!

[they DO, and their FATHER loves it]

Bitch Countess: Damn!

Christopher Plummer: Shoot, my kids can SING. Julie Andrews, I love you now. Let’s get married.*

[they DO, and form a FAMILY SINGING GROUP]

Nazis: We’re Nazis! Grrrrrrr!

Rolf: I’m a Nazi, too!

Oldest Sister: What? But…but…we sang! In the gazebo!

Julie Andrews: Apparently, singing doesn’t solve anything. Maybe the nuns will help us.

[they DO, and the family ESCAPES into the MOUNTAINS, singing ALL THE WHILE]

*I'm pretty sure I thought this was the end of the movie until I was, like, eleven.

Classics Week: Gene Kelly Twofer

We love us some Gene Kelly. The dancing, the million-dollar smile, the hotness, the stunts, Xanadu...okay, maybe not that last one. But we have many fond memories of Gene, singing and dancing, occasionally inexplicably, in many a classic musical. So today, for Classics Week Friday, we have not one, but TWO Gene Kelly films.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is PRE-TALKIE Hollywood]
Gene Kelly: It’s me, Gene Kelly, stuntman within a movie star within a movie star! Also, I’m not sure if you knew this…but I’m a dancer too.
Donald O’Connor: Hells yeah! Let’s get craaaazy! But silently crazy, because movies don’t have sound yet.
Squeaky-Voiced Leading Lady: Good thing, too, because if anyone ever heard my voice, they’d be in for a big surprise! I sure hope nothing happens to disrupt our happy silent movie way of life, and also my love affair with Gene Kelly.
[everyone tries to RIP Gene Kelly’s CLOTHES off, so he ESCAPES by jumping into Debbie Reynolds’ MOVING VEHICLE]
Gene Kelly: Hey there, sweetcheeks.
Debbie Reynolds: You don’t impress me. [sing-songily] Here we are, Sunset and Camden!* [angrily] Get out.
Gene Kelly: She was feisty…I liked it.
[everyone goes to a SEXY PARTY where Debbie Reynolds DANCES with a CRAZY HAT on and then throws CAKE at the leading lady]
Gene Kelly: SO FEISTY!! Love it.
Donald O’Connor: I’m hilarious, and I’m going to sing about it!
[he DANCES with a DUMMY and does various PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE things]
Some Movie Executive: Talkies! Talkies! Talkies! It’s all the rage!! We need to outfit your costume with the hugest flower ever so that we can hide the microphone in it.
Gene Kelly: Uh…are you aware that this chick sounds like an unoiled subway car running over a dying cat?
Squeaky-Voiced Leading Lady: I caaaaan’t staaaan’ ‘em.
Voice Therapist: [in AFFECTED British accent] I – can’t – stand – him.
[there is a SPEECH THERAPY-related song and dance which CULMINATES in a bunch of STUFF being PILED on the speech therapist, including a PLACARD showing you how to PRONOUNCE the letter A]
Gene Kelly: I just realized something!! I love that girl with the crazy hat!
[he SINGS to HIMSELF in the RAIN]
Debbie Reynolds: You’re lame!
[he SINGS to HER on a SOUNDSTAGE]
Debbie Reynolds: No, wait, you’re not.
[they KISS]
Gene Kelly: Hey, you’re an awesome singer…I have a plan.
[they CONTRIVE to DUB the leading lady’s voice with Debbie Reynolds’, but accidentally THWART their own PLAN when they raise the CURTAIN, revealing their SECRET VOICE]
Audience: Whaaaaa? Scandalous!
Debbie Reynolds: Yes, it’s me. You know, Marnie Nixon is going to totally make a career out of doing this dubbing thing, so just get over yourselves.
Some Movie Executive: Wait, you’ve got a lovely voice AND you’re cuter than that other leading lady? Let’s make a movie!
[they DO, and SING about it. And KISS]


*For some reason, this line has been in my head forever, such that when I arrive places, I have said, "Here we are, Sun-set and Cam-den!" and people have looked at me all crazy. It's a small price to pay for movie musical magic, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After reading this version of An American in Paris, I'm pretty sure Laura McClain has been harboring a Gene Kelly fantasy for a looooooong time. Haven't we all, though...haven't we all?

[it is post-war Paris]
Gene Kelly: I 'm a hot ex-GI who has remained after the war to paint. By the way, I'm also a swell dancer.
[he is CLEARLY about 20 years TOO OLD to be an ex-GI, and POSSIBLY the WORST painter EVER]
Friendly Parisian Neighbors: Bonjour, Gene Kelly! Voulez-vous chanter et danser?
Gene Kelly: Mais oui!
[he SPEAKS French and dances NIMBLY with ADORABLE Parisian CHILDREN]
Gene Kelly: Time to go sell my paintings on the side of the street in a charming way.
Rich Slut: Damn, Gene Kelly...I'm very interested in your ass - I mean, "paintings."
[she BECOMES his PATRONESS, which is 50's-speak for ATTEMPTED FEMALE JOHN]
Gene Kelly: Hello, adorable, 18-year old Leslie Caron. I will beg you to go out with me in a charming/creepy manner, and consistently mispronounce your French name.
Leslie Caron: Ooh la la!
[they FALL in LOVE, though BOTH have SECRETS]
Rich Slut : How dare you love another girl!
[she ACTS all CRAZY and POSSESSIVE and BUYS him many GIFTS to OBTAIN his LOVE] Oscar Levant: Ha ha, friend. You are a man-whore.
Gene Kelly: No way. I' m in love with the Parisian waif.
[he SINGS many SONGS that REINFORCE this FACT]
Leslie Caron: Oh sorry, I' m engaged to another guy. And we 're getting married tomorrow.
Gene Kelly: I will mask my pain by emotionally messing with my "patroness."
[he DOES, and TAKES her to an AWESOME black-and-white BALL where they SEE Leslie Caron]
Gene Kelly: Why must it hurt so bad? I shall go to the roof and think of Paris.
[he has the BEST FANTASY EVER in which he DOES many HOT dance MOVES, including dancing SEXILY in a FOUNTAIN which EJACULATES water, and WEARING a yellow BODYSUIT, that SORT of EXPLAIN his LOVE and LIFE, but is REALLY just an EXCUSE to do some BADASS dancing]
Leslie Caron: Just kidding, I came back!
[they HUG, and PRESUMABLY live FOREVER in CHARMING Parisian POVERTY]