[it is the 1940s]
Kate Winslet: Hi. I want to be an actress. You seem interesting and vivacious.
Leonardo DiCaprio: I guess I am. Let's dance.
[like TEN YEARS pass]
Kate Winslet: So now we live in the suburbs and I do bad community theater.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Don't listen to any of those idiots who say you're bad. You're better than them.
Kate Winslet: I don't want to talk about this right now in the car. Let's just repress our feelings. That's what people in the suburbs do, right?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let's talk! Please!
[he PULLS OVER and they have a HUGE FIGHT on the side of ROUTE TWELVE]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Well, I'm off to my soul-sucking job in the city, filled with nubile secretaries.
[he BANGS one of the NUBILE SECRETARIES]
Kathy Bates: Suburbs! I brought you a plant! I'm nice! Oh, AND...would you be willing to meet my crazy son?
Kate Winslet: Of course. Thanks for asking, and for having some stilted, Oscar-worthy conversation over coffee.
[she has a FLASHBACK to HAPPIER TIMES, when she was MORE BOHEMIAN]
Kate Winslet: I just had the best idea! Let's move to Paris.
Leonardo DiCaprio: But that's so...impetuous! And does not fit with our suburban life.
Kate Winslet: That's why it's great! I mean, look at us. Give me an Oscar...I mean...a chance...to explain my Paris plan to you.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let's do it. And I mean "let's move to Paris" but also "Let's fuck against the kitchen counter in a totally hot way."
[they BONE and it's ALMOST as hot as THIS]
Kathryn Hahn: Come over for dinner! We're your best friends! Your neighbors! Let's hang!
[her husband OGLES Kate Winslet in the MOST OBVIOUS MANNER EVER]
Kate Winslet: So...we're moving to Paris.
Kathryn Hahn and her Husband: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!
[she has a PRIVATE BREAKDOWN, because that is what you DO in the SUBURBS]
Leonardo DiCaprio: I'm moving to Paris!
His Work Buddies: Whaaaaaaaaaat?!?
His Boss: But we're giving you a promotion, based solely on this piece of bullshit work you did earlier.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Allow me to display the conflict in my soul...with my eyes.
[he DOES]
Kathy Bates: Hello! Hellooooooo! We're here with our crazy son!
Michael Shannon: I am the crazy son. Allow me to act circles around you by being subtly creepy and awesome.
Kate Winslet: DO NOT DISTRACT THE AUDIENCE FROM MY OSCAR-WORTHY PERFORMANCE, SHANNON.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let him talk. He is the only one who understands our ennui. And he is clinically insane.
Kate Winslet: If wanting to get out of this town is crazy, I don't want to be sane.*
[they start PACKING]
Kate Winslet: Shit. I'm pregnant.
Leonardo DiCaprio: That's fine, actually, since I haven't actually quit my job yet, since I'm a spineless, personality-free kind of dude. We have a couple weeks to decide if we want to abort it, though, right?
[they have YET ANOTHER FIGHT]
Everyone: Well, it's probably best you don't move to Paris.
Kathryn Hahn: We'll go out for a night on the town! And I'll get sick! And leave my husband alone with our hot neighbor who he is obviously attracted to!
Kate Winslet: And then we'll fuck in the car...the OS-car!!
Kathryn Hahn's Husband: Dude, Kate, we get it. Let's fuck.
[they BONE and it is AWKWARD but still HOT]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Is this an abortion tube?
Kate Winslet: Yes. I was going to abort our child. The first was one basically a mistake.
[they have ANOTHER FIGHT with lots of SHOUTING, which is apparently the same as ACTING]
Kathy Bates: We're here again!
Michael Shannon: I have no societal restrictions on asking you two tough questions to bring up the issues you're having.
[he RILES them and Leo goes BONKERS]
Kathy Bates: Oh my! My repressed suburban nature! It is breached!
Leonardo DiCaprio: I wish you had gotten rid of that fetus when you had the chance!!
Kate Winslet: I'm going out to the woods. Don't follow me. I hate you.
Leonardo DiCaprio: No you don't. Don't leave!
[she is in the woods for a LONG TIME but FINALLY comes back and looks STRICKEN]
Kate Winslet: Good morning. I have prepared a fine, fine breakfast for you with fresh-squeezed orange juice and polite, civil conversation.
Leonardo DiCaprio: So you don't hate me?
Kate Winslet: No. No, I don't. I'm only acting all weird like this because I know I will never see you again.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Oh. I sensed that, via your acting.
[she attemps a HOME ABORTION and it FAILS and she DIES]
Kathryn Hahn: Oh, yes. They were lovely people. But so troubled.
Kathy Bates: My repressed suburban nature is unshakable! UNSHAKABLE!
[her HUSBAND turns down his HEARING AID to drown out the DRONE]
2 comments:
Michael Shannon! Yes!
Best thing about the movie along with the part where his father turned his hearing aid off. But then they had to ruin that with the godawful Thomas Newman score. The music in this film burned my ears, bad.
Did you find the audience during this movie to be as awful as I did? Awkward laughter, lots of people on dates MAKING OUT during inappropriate scenes... generally a bad time all around. Good movie, though.
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