The Skin I Live In

[it is TOLEDO 2012]
Vera: I do my yoga. I wear a bodysuit. I make folk art. I am very beautiful. But I am a prisoner. Or maybe I am crazy? No one is sure yet.
Marilia: Si. Here is some food in the dumbwaiter for you, since I cannot enter your room.
[it is a MEDICAL CONFERENCE]
Antonio Banderas: I made some super skin and also I am super sexy! Okay, but seriously, this skin is crazy. It can't be burned, and it's impenetrable to mosquitoes.
Colleague: Hold on...how did you test this skin?
Antonio Banderas: On...uh...mice.
[meanwhile, at his GORGEOUS COMPOUND]
Antonio Banderas: Can you feel this blowtorch?
Vera: No.
[she CUTS herself with PAPER because she is not allowed ANYTHING SHARP]
Antonio Banderas: Your skin is so soft.* Now I will repair you again, to be so, so beautiful.
Marilia: You know she looks just like your dead wife, right?
Antonio Banderas: Uh...no she doesn't.
[there are MANY SHOTS of BEAUTY]
Antonio Banderas: Fire all the servants. It's just you now, Marilia. BRB.
A Man Dressed as a Tiger: Let me in! I'm your son! It's Carnevale, so it's okay that I'm dressed as a tiger.
[he shows his BUTT MOLE to prove it]
Marilia: Oh, my little tiger!*
[she LETS HIM IN]
Zeca, the Tiger: Hey mom. I'm back. Can I just hang out here for a while? No reason.
Conveniently-Placed News Report: Security cameras captured footage of the jewelry heist earlier today.
[it is ZECA, robbin' shit]
Zeca: Aw jeez. Now I have to tie you up so you don't call the cops.
[he sees VERA on the SECURITY TV and LICKS her image and it is REAL CREEPY]
Zeca: Where is she! Where is the key to that room with that beautiful woman in it!?
[he FINDS her and they FIGHT but then he KISSES her]
Zeca: I thought you were dead! When I left, you were on fire!!
Vera: Uh....
Zeca: Okay, well, let's have sex.
Vera: Uh...........
[he RAPES her but Antonio Banderas gets home JUST IN TIME and fucking SHOOTS him]
Marilia: There's a LOT of blood here. These stains will never come out!!
Vera: So, uh, what was that about?
Marilia: Okay, so I know up to this point everything has been very subtle and slightly confusing but in that nice "you figure it out" kind of way? Well, let's leave that to the side for a moment and just straight EXPOSIT some shit. First of all: you look like the dead wife, who had an affair with and also ran away with my son Zeca. Also, Antonio Banderas is my son, but he doesn't know it. Also, his wife was burned in a car crash trying to run off with Zeca. Also, the wife killed herself in front of her daughter (they had a daughter), who also killed herself.
Vera: Whoa.
Marilia: I know.
Antonio Banderas: So...do you want to sleep with me tonight?
Vera: Okay.
[SIX YEARS EARLIER, in a VINTAGE STORE]
Vincente: I'm going to a wedding, you want to come? You should try this dress on.
Cristina: No! And I won't wear that dress. And also I am a lesbian.
Vincente: Maaaaaan! I can't get no play!
Vincente's Mom: Oh, Vincente! Stop pestering the lesbian!
Vincente: Fine, I'm out!
[the wedding is FANCY and SUMPTUOUS and BEAUTIFULLY SHOT]
Antonio Banderas: My daughter seems to be doing all right, even though they let her out of the loony bin to come to this wedding.
Norma: Ha ha! I'm not crazy! NOT CRAZY AT ALL.
Vincente: Who is that not-crazy girl over there? She fine.
[they go for a WALK in the WOODS]
Vincente: I am SUPER HIGH right now. Let's have sex!
[he CLIMBS around ON TOP of her]
Norma: Uhhhhh...
[she hears the SONG that she was SINGING when she saw her mother FALL to her DEATH]
Norma: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MY MEMORIES!!!!!!
Vincente: Shit! This girl is now crazy. I better run!
Antonio Banderas: Mija! What happened?!
Norma: AAAAAAHHHH RAPIST!!!!
[she goes back to the CRAZY PEN]
Antonio Banderas: Are you okay?
[she WAILS and goes in the CLOSET]
Doctor: She thinks you raped her. You should probably stop coming to see her.
[she KILLS herself]
Antonio Banderas: She is dead because that kid at the wedding raped her. VENDETTA TIME.
Vincente: La, la, la, drivin' my scooter...hey!
[there is a SCARY VAN trying to RUN HIM off the ROAD]
Antonio Banderas in a Creepy Mask: Sedatives! BOOM. NOW YOU ARE KIDNAPPED.
[he LOCKS him in a CAVE]
Vincente: What is happening? Why am I in a cave?? What the hell???
Antonio Banderas: Here's some water, but no explanations.
[he keeps him CAPTIVE for a while, then CHLOROFORMS him]
Antonio Banderas: Hey, doctor friends. We have a secret surgery to do.
Colleague: Huh. Seems like a weird procedure.
Antonio Banderas: He knows exactly what he wants.*
[they OPERATE on him in the SECRET OPERATING ROOM]
Vincente: What...what happened?
Antonio Banderas: Oh, you have a vagina now.
Vincente: Wait...what?
Antonio Banderas: YA BURNT. DON'T RAPE PEOPLE'S DAUGHTERS.
Vincente: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiit.
[Antonio Banderas performs MANY EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURES on him until he looks like THE DEAD WIFE]
Antonio Banderas: I can't keep calling you Vincente. You are too beautiful. I will call you Vera, a name FILLED WITH MEANING.
Vera: Well, I want to die.
[she SLITS her own THROAT]
Antonio Banderas: You can never get away from me. Look, I fixed your throat. Now you are my prisoner. My revenge is vast.
[it is the PRESENT]
Colleague: So, uh...I just noticed this story in the paper about this guy who disappeared six years ago - did you...did we turn him into a woman?
Antonio Banderas: No! No. Don't be silly.
Marilia: We have to kill her! EVERYONE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
Vera: But I promised never to leave him.
Antonio Banderas: She promised! See? Everything's cool. Take her shopping, would you?
Marilia: What? Okay.
[they go SHOPPING and Vera buys the DRESS that Vincente liked]
Vera: I have to go get the lube if you want to have sex with me, in my fake vagina, that you created.
Antonio Banderas: That is so fucked up. Go get it!
[she gets the LUBE but also A GUN]
Antonio Banderas: But you promised you'd never leave me.
Vera: I lied.*
[she just fucking SHOOTS HIM DEAD]
Marilia: What! My son!
Vera: I'm under the bed, bitch!
[she SHOOTS her too]
Vera: Now I am revenged for six years of torture, and also being made into a woman.
[s/he returns to the VINTAGE STORE]
Vera: Hey Cristina. I'm back.
Cristina: Bokayyyyyy. You fine.
Vera: I'm Vincente.
Vincente's Mom: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
[FIN]

Black Swan

[it is A BALLET STAGE]
Natalie Portman: I'm dancing! I'm dancing the Swan Queen and I'm beautiful!! Oh, it was all a dream. I guess I'm just in my pink bedroom full of stuffed animals.
Barbara Hershey: Sweetheart? Let me help you get dressed.
Natalie Portman: Ugh, Mom, I'm an adult.
Barbara Hershey: NO YOU ARE NOT. Have fun at work. Make sure you're the best ballerina ever, because I need to live vicariously through you.
[she goes and DANCES with lots of TECHNIQUE but very little PASSION]
Vincent Cassel: Allo, dancers. I weel be peecking a new Swan Queen this year. It will be VERY IMPORTANT. I am French.
[they have AUDITIONS and Natalie Portman is REAL GOOD but NOT SEXY ENOUGH]
Mila Kunis: Ha ha! I wear black and laugh a lot! This is because I am sexual, UNLIKE YOU.
Natalie Portman: I am fragile! I didn't get the part!
[she WEEPS and tears at her FINGERNAILS]
Barbara Hershey: You go in there and get that part.
Natalie Portman: Um, so, I was hoping I could be the Swan Queen.
Vincent Cassel: Ow weel you convince me, eh?
[he KISSES her and it is CREEPY and she BITES him]
Vincent Cassel: Now I see you have ze passion. YOU ARE MY NEW SWAN QUEEN.
Winona Ryder: Noooooooooooo! I am in this movieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
Vincent Cassel: Pay no mind to her, she is washed up, non?
[there is a GALA]
Vincent Cassel: The sex, do you like it?
Natalie Portman: Uh, haha, I'm innocent! Look! I'm even wearing a white gown. All white and pink, all the time! Byeeee!
[she WEEPS some more]
Barbara Hershey: What are these scratches on your back? ARE YOU SCRATCHING YOURSELF?
[she VIOLENTLY clips Natalie Portman's NAILS and it is ICKY]
Natalie Portman: I must find the passion in my dance!
[she TRIES to do that, but DOES NOT because of her INNOCENCE and FRAGILITY]
Mila Kunis: Let's smoke in the rehearsal space! I am a bad girl! Wooooo!
Vincent Cassel: Your friend Mila Kunis tells me I am working you too hard.
Natalie Portman: What? No!!
Mila Kunis: Sorry about that. To make up for it, I will take you out for a drink and then drug you.
[they go to a RAVE, which is apparently STILL A THING]
Natalie Portman: Ha ha! Rebelling against my mother is the best!
Mila Kunis: I know, right?! Let's make out!!
[they DO, and then have SEX and it is HOT???? but actually more CREEPY]
Natalie Portman: Oh my god, why did you just leave my house this morning?
Mila Kunis: Ummmm what? Wait, did you have a lezzie wet dream about me?* LOL YOU DID!
Natalie Portman: I don't know what's real!!!!
[she finds a FEATHER growing out of her BACK]
Natalie Portman: What is happening to me?!?!? I'm so skinny but still pretty but so creeped out right now!!
[she sees a figure COVERED IN BLOOD]
Lauren and Claire: AAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Natalie Portman: I will go talk to Winona Ryder, who is in the hospital because she ran in front of a car earlier.
[she gives Winona back the NAIL FILE she stole from her and Winona stabs HER OWN FACE with it]
Natalie Portman: Things!! Happening! Weird things!!! BUT I MUST DANCE.
[it is the NIGHT OF THE SHOW]
Mila Kunis: Oh, hey, FYI, I'm your alternate, which is apparently what we call understudies in dancing? Promise I'm not trying to be you or anything.
Natalie Portman: Yes you are!!!
[she fucking STABS her with a piece of a MIRROR and it is like DAMN]
Natalie Portman: Oh my god!! BUT I MUST DANCE.
[she DANCES like she's NEVER DANCED BEFORE and starts to TURN INTO a BLACK SWAN]
Vincent Cassel: Zut alors! You have found ZE PASSION.
Natalie Portman: But what about the body in my dressing room?
Mila Kunis: Heyyyyy I'm not dead! You are going crazy! And actually you stabbed yourself, haha!!
Natalie Portman: Oh, shit, I did. BUT I MUST DANCE.
[she DOES, and is PERFECT, and then DIES?]
Darren Aronofsky: BEHOLD MY GENIUS!! BEHOLD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Invasion of the Bee Girls

I was going to wait until tomorrow to publish this, but I can't withhold this kind of awesome from you any longer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
No-Tell Motel Staff: Oh no! A corpse! A corpse in our seedy, seedy motel!
Investigators: This dead man is a scientist. A government scientist. This could somehow be related...to his science. Better call in the Feds.
Federal Investigator: I'm here to look dashing and investigate this crime. Who was last seen with this married man? His secretary?
Hot Science Administrator: No, actually, I'm the head of the department.
Federal Investigator: A woman? In a position of power? My manhood is both threatened and tingly. So, tell me what happened that night.
Hot Science Administrator: Nothing, okay? NOTHING. [pause] Okay, we balled, and we balled, and we balled, until he dropped dead.*
Federal Investigator: Interesting. And hot.
[meanwhile, in the FOREST]
Nude Woman: Hey! I'm just riding my dirt bike - nude!
Nude Man: Awesome! Let's roll slowly down this hill and fuck!
[they DO, and he BITES it]
Nude Woman: Hahahahaha!!!
[like FOUR MORE DUDES die of SEXUAL EXHAUSTION and they call a TOWN MEETING]
Dr. Murder:* So we're not sure what's causing this epidemic, but we're pretty sure the solution is complete sexual abstinence.
Townspeople: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU MUST BE JOKING.
Dr. Murder: No, for real, you guys. I have a theory, but it's so crazy, so insane - I can't tell it!
[meanwhile, in a TASTEFULLY-APPOINTED home]
Husband: Well, complete sexual abstinence isn't going to be anything new around HERE.*
Wife: [looks DOUR and BORING]
Federal Investigator: We need to talk to that Dr. Murder and find out what this "crazy idea" he has is.
[they try to MEET him, but instead see him get RUN OVER by a MYSTERIOUS CAR]
Hot Science Administrator: What could be happening? Let's go to his house and find out.
[they find a GAY SEX DUNGEON at his house, with many shots of WHIPS and CHAINS because gays are KINKY]
Federal Investigator: WHAAAAA?
[meanwhile, at the LAB]
Herb Klein: Boy, science is great, but my wife is so lame.
Hot Entomologist: Maybe we should have dinner. But I'll never take off my sunglasses. Ever. They are the hugest sunglasses in the world.
[they have DINNER and she FLIRTS with him and he CANNOT RESIST because men are HORNY]
Hot Entomologist: Now I will strip for you to classical music. But then I will kill you with my compound eyes!!! Now you know why I wear the sunglasses!!
[she KILLS him with her SEXY BEE POWERS]
Hot Entomologist: Now to add a new bee girl to our arsenal!
[she takes MRS. KLEIN to her LAB, where she and five other women in SEXY LAB COATS slather ROYAL JELLY all over her NAKED BODY, including her BREASTS, which are REAL, and FEATURED HEAVILY]
Hot Entomologist: Yes!! Yes!! She is emerging from the radioactive chamber that makes her into a bee girl! You can tell by her compound eyes! Ladies, expose your bosoms!
[all the assistants RIP OPEN their sexy lab coats and just RUB their own BREASTS]
Hot Entomologist: Now, we'll all make out.
[meanwhile, in an ACTUAL lab]
Federal Investigator: Look! I found a flimsy explanation for what's going on in this science book! That hot entomologist was combining bee DNA with human DNA, and also they are radioactive for some reason! And that gay dude got run over because he was immune to the charms of the killer bee girls!
Hot Science Administrator: It all makes sense! I guess!
[meanwhile, at the SAME or maybe a DIFFERENT tastefully-appointed HOME]
Wife: I'm sorry I've been a sexual bore.*
[she takes off her TOP in an UNSEXY manner, but then takes off her STOCKINGS in a SEXY manner]
Husband: No! You're a bee girl! Get away from me!
[he STRANGLES her with her OWN STOCKINGS, though she is NOT a bee girl because she is NOT wearing SUNGLASSES]
Hot Science Administrator: We need to solve this thing - and fast!
[they bring a GEIGER COUNTER to the FUNERAL of Herb Klein and DEDUCE that the SUNGLASS-WEARING women are BEE GIRLS]
Hot Entomologist: We are found out! We must eliminate everyone else who knows about this!
[she and her SEXY ASSISTANTS try to transform the Hot Science Administrator into a BEE GIRL, but the Federal Investigator SAVES her and BLOWS UP the lab]
Federal Investigator: Good thing that's all over. Let's make out now.
[as they do, we see a BEE resting on a FLOWER as "Thus Spake Zarathustra" plays DRAMATICALLY]

*this guy's name is actually "Dr. Murger," but Steph and I heard "murder" pretty much every time anyone said it. Bonus hilarity!

Oscar Watch '09: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

[it is NAWLINS]
Julia Ormond: Mom, you're so old! With such amazing makeup and special effects to make you look that way! Is there anything I can do to make your death more comfortable?
Very Old Cate Blanchett: Yes, my daughter. Read to me out of that diary in my bag. But first, let me tell you an allegory about a clockmaker named Mr. Gateaux, which means Mr. Cake. He made a clock that turned backwards because his son died. It's in the train station.
Conveniently Placed News Report: Hurricane Katrina is heading our way, but it'll probably be fine.
Cate Blanchett: Now, read me the story.
Julia Ormond: Once upon a time...
[Brad Pitt takes over the VOICEOVER duties from Juliette Binoche, a DUTY he will do A FUCKING LOT]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: I was born on the day World War I ended, but since I looked like an old man baby, my dad left me on the steps of an old folks' home.
Taraji P. Henson's Man: I know you ain't got the parts to make one a' your own...* but this baby is from the devil.
Taraji P. Henson: Oh! No. I must care for this child of God. I'll put him in a drawer to keep him safe.
The Doctor: He'll probably die soon.
[obviously, he does NOT]
Old Man Child Brad Pitt: Hee hee! I'm in a wheelchair!
[they go to a TENT REVIVAL and get CURED of what AILS them, KIND of]
Taraji P. Henson: I'm going to have a baby! This baby will not take your place, though, Benjamin.
Old Man Child Brad Pitt: Yes it will!!
Creepy CGI Child Cate Blanchett: Hello.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Instead of acting, I will just tell you what's going on through voiceover, if that's all right. I met her and I still remember her blue eyes.
[he meets a RAPSCALLION IRISH TUGBOAT CAPTAIN and starts WORKING on the BOAT]
Rapscallion Irish Tugboat Captain: I'm an artist! A tattoo artist! Suck on that, dad!! Also, here is some information about hummingbirds, which are a metaphor. For something.
Mr. Button: Oh. Hello, stranger. What say we enjoy a drink together? And perhaps also a visit to a brothel? I am not your dad. At all.
[they go get DRUNK and WHORES]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then I had to go seek my fortune on the tugboat.
Slightly Less Creepy CGI Teen Cate Blanchett: You better write me from everywhere, because I am weirdly obsessed with you!
[he DOES, and Juliette Binoche SEES the postcards]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then we went to Russia, and I had an affair with a married woman.
Tilda Swinton: We can never say "I love you." One time, I tried to swim the English Channel but failed. Bye.
Rapscallion Irish Tugboat Captain: The tugboat's been drafted! So I guess you guys are all drafted too? Or something. We're all in the Navy now!
[they get into a SEA BATTLE and everyone DIES except Brad Pitt, who sees a HUMMINGBIRD]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then I went home and she was there.
Cate Blanchett: Hi. It's me, with only moderate CGI face-softening to make me look younger, though I am still the most beautiful woman ever to exist. I'm going to dance school in New York. Let's go on a date. Some of the other dancers are lesbians. Does that bother you? Let's have sex.
[she does a MODERN DANCE in a GAZEBO to DISTANT NEW ORLEANS MUSIC]
Sort-of Old Brad Pitt: No.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then some time passed and I was like "That was dumb."
[he goes to see her DANCE in CAROUSEL and he is STILL GETTING YOUNGER]
Cate Blanchett: Get lost! I am with this other guy now.
Sort-of Old Brad Pitt: Oh. I am dejected.
Mr. Button: By the way, I am totally your dad. I want to leave my business, Button's Buttons, to you.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: I was pissed for a second, but then I was like "It's the end of his life, so let's just be cool."
[he CARRIES his dad to the LAKE he used to LOOK AT so the dad can DIE HAPPY and leave him ALL his MONEY and his hilariously-named BUSINESS]
Julia Ormond: This story is so sad. I hope the hurricane doesn't get us.
Nurse: We'll be fine!
Julia Ormond: Okay, back to the story!
Telegram Guy: Telegram!
Voiceover Brad Pitt: So I went to Paris, because all these things happened that caused Cate Blanchett to get hit by a car and her leg broken. Fate is so crazy!
Cate Blanchett: Get away from me! I'm a monster! An incandescently beautiful, even in a hospital bed, monster!!
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then I was sad again. So I learned to sail and looked really hot while doing it. Plus, I did a bunch of girls.
Cate Blanchett: Sup. I have decided to stop jerking you around.
[they have a SWEET ROMANCE, finally, but it is MARRED because his adopted MOM dies and there is a FUNERAL]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then we bought a duplex with no furniture.
[they hang out on a MATTRESS and listen to TWIST AND SHOUT and there is some STORM IMAGERY]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then Cate Blanchett bought a dance studio, because those who can't, teach.
Julia Ormond: Waaaaaaaait aaaaaa minute. When did you meet my father?
Very Old Cate Blanchett: Uh...some time after that.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then Cate Blanchett got pregnant.
Julia Ormond: Hey! You lied to me! He's my father! I'm pissed. But you're dying, so I guess I'm not that pissed.
Super Hot Brad Pitt: I can't be a father to her. PEACE.
[he ABSCONDS in the NIGHT and rides his HOG all around the WORLD, apparently]
20-something Brad Pitt: Hey. I'm back.
"Of A Certain Age" Cate Blanchett: You are toying with my emotions again! God!
[they BONE]
Julia Ormond: That's the last entry in the diary.
Very Old Cate Blanchett: I'll take over from here. Then he grew into a little boy with dementia, and I took care of him.
[he GROWS into a BABY and DIES]
Nurse: This hurricane is a little worse than we thought. I'm sure FEMA will take care of it, but we should probs get out of here.
Julia Ormond: Look, a hummingbird in the storm. That's meaningful, because it was in the other parts of the story.
Very Old Cate Blanchett: The clock in the train station is now digital. That is also allegorical.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Here are a bunch of people I knew in my life. They all did things. And were cool.
[a FLOOD washes over the CLOCK and presumably the HOSPITAL]

Sight Unseen: The Unborn

You guys: WHAT is going on with this chick's ass in this poster? I mean really. Those shadows are confusing me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
Cloverfield Girl: I keep having nightmares! And scary things keep happening! Scary things that make me scream in a vaguely sexual way, which is the draw of many horror films.
Gary Oldman: Oh. You have two different color eyes. Are you a twin?
Cloverfield Girl: No.
Her Mom: Oh, yeah, you were. I meant to tell you - you had a brother who died in utero. My bad!
[some more SCARY SHIT happens]
Cloverfield Girl: Oh! So maybe my dead twin brother is haunting me. That makes sense.
Gary Oldman: He's getting stronger and stronger. You are going to have to battle him - IN THE AFTERLIFE. [she DIES and looks HOT]
Cloverfield Girl: I won!
Something Scary: ...or did you? SEQUEL!!

Poltergeist

[it is SUBURBIA]

JoBeth Williams: Yes! We are a happy American family! Living in this new subdivision is pretty sweet.

[they do some FAMILY things like EAT BREAKFAST and yell at the DOG]

Craig T. Nelson: I'm off to work, honey! Have fun at home!

Son: I'm off to school!

Teenage Daughter: Me too! I'm pretty much always at a friend's house, so you won't see me much.

Carol Anne: Hi.

Television: [static]

JoBeth Williams: What the...? I hope my daughter isn't crazy. She did just see me trying to flush her pet canary down the toilet, though. Perhaps she's just traumatized.

Carol Anne: They're heeeeee-ere.*

JoBeth Williams: Okay, maybe she's crazy.

[the KITCHEN CHAIRS get stacked on the TABLE and it is WEIRD]

Craig T. Nelson: I'm home!

JoBeth Williams: Honey! Come in here! I think we have ghosts! Isn't it awesome!?

[she shows him how the GHOSTS can move their DAUGHTER around in the KITCHEN]

Craig T. Nelson: Uh...no. Ghosts are not awesome. We'll figure this out in the morning.

[during the night, a TREE comes to LIFE and GRABS the SON from his BED and everyone is like SHIT but it's just a DISTRACTION so the ghosts can get the little GIRL]

JoBeth Williams: Where is she? WHERE IS SHE?

Carol Anne's Disembodied Voice: Mommy? Mommy?

Son: She's in the TV!

Craig T. Nelson: Okay, family, we'll figure this out. We have ghosts. We'll get through it. Together.

[the GHOSTS are TOO SCARY so they call some GHOSTBUSTERS who are NOT hilarious and DO NOT have PROTON PACKS]

Black Guy Ghostbuster: We've seen some pretty crazy things! One time, I recorded a matchbox car drive across a kitchen floor! It took seven hours. It was nuts!!

[JoBeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson EXCHANGE a WRY GLANCE]

Craig T. Nelson: Well, get ready.

[they open the DOOR to Carol Anne's ROOM and it is COMPLETELY BONKERS inside and shit is flying EVERYWHERE]

Head Lady Ghostbuster: Oh. We feel sheepish.

Craig T. Nelson's Boss: Hey, when are you going to come back to work? The real estate development office just isn't the same without you. Also, check out the new place we're going to build. It's next to a cemetery, but we'll just move it.

Head Lady Ghostbuster: Um...can we get back to the ghosts in your house?

Craig T. Nelson: Right.

[they run some TESTS and some STUFF falls through the CEILING from another DIMENSION]

Head Lady Ghostbuster: Okay, so basically, there's these ghosts, right? And they're in your house, but in another dimension? And they want to go into the light to be in Heaven or whatever, but your daughter's life force looks like the light to them, so they're confused. Oh, and there's an evil spirit too, who is tricking her. So that's what we're dealing with. We might need to call in some backup.

[they bring in a PSYCHIC MIDGET, or what some people might call a SMALL MEDIUM]

Small Medium: Oh. Well, this is simple. We just have to send someone through the portal to the other dimension. Duh.

[they DO that, but Craig T. Nelson PULLS on the ROPE too soon and sees the EVIL SPIRIT and it is SCARY]

Small Medium: Nooooooooo!! Oh wait, it worked anyway. This house. Is clean.*

JoBeth Williams: My child! Though we are covered in spirit goo, I have you again. Now everything is fine. But we should probably move.

[she takes a SUSPENSEFUL BATH]

Clown Doll: Ha ha ha! I am alive!

Son: No! Scary clown!

Evil Spirit: Ha ha ha! I am also alive!

Carol Anne: Mommyyyyy!!

JoBeth Williams: Maybe they're in the pool we haven't finished building!

[she finds MANY CORPSES and it is WAY GROSS]

Craig T. Nelson: What's going on? What are all these corpses doing?!

Craig T. Nelson's Boss: Oh, hi! I was just stopping by to --

Craig T. Nelson: You moved the headstones! But you didn't move the bodies! YOU DIDN'T MOVE THE BODIES! YOU JUST MOVED THE HEADSTONES! AND NOT THE BODIES!!!*

[a SKELETON goes by]

JoBeth Williams: Get in the car! Everyone! Get the dog!

[the TEENAGE DAUGHTER rolls up and stands in the ROAD, screaming, for like WAY too long, considering that her HOUSE is basically a GHOST PLAYGROUND]

Craig T. Nelson: Let's get out of here! We're going to the Holiday Inn - and we're NOT keeping the TV in our room!!

[the house IMPLODES]

Rosemary's Baby

[it is NEW YORK in the 1960s and a CREEPY LULLABY is playing]
Mia Farrow: Honey, let's get this apartment! It's so great! I'm not even concerned about this weird closet that was hidden by an armoire for some reason.
Hutch: Listen, tenants who are also my friends, that building is FUCKED. UP. Some crazy-ass shit went down there. With witches.
[they buy it ANYWAY because it is ADORABLE and they want to pretend they are FANCY, even though her husband is NOT THAT SUCCESSFUL an actor]
Mia Farrow: Let's have sex in our empty apartment!
[they DO]
Friendly Young Neighbor: Hi. I live with the old people next door to you. I was basically a whore and they took me in. I'm not sure why. I don't really ask.
Mia Farrow: That's nice of them. They must be really nice people.
[the NEXT DAY, they find the SAME GIRL on the SIDEWALK, DEAD and it is GROSS]
Mr. Old Neighbor: Well, she was pretty depressed. Whatevs. Now you can be our little pets.
[they invite them for DINNER and talk about RELIGION and it is sort of CREEPY]
Mia Farrow's Husband: Hey! The guy who was supposed to play that part I wanted is suddenly going blind for no reason! Awesome! Now I will be a big star! HELL of a way to get a part, though...heh, heh.
[he starts to be a DICK]
Mia Farrow: Stop being a dick.
Mia Farrow's Husband: Okay. Let's make a baby.*
[he keeps track of her OVULATION and it is WEIRD]
Mrs. Old Neighbor: I brought you some chocolate mouse. Have it! It's delicious!
Mia Farrow: This mousse tastes weird.
Mia Farrow's Husband: EAT IT AND BE NEIGHBORLY.
Mia Farrow: But she's not even he-
Mia Farrow's Husband: EAT IT!
[she DOES NOT eat it because it tastes like EVIL, which tastes like CHALK]
Mia Farrow: What the fuck? I feel SO HIGH right now.
[she has a FUCKED-UP dream that involves the SISTINE CHAPEL and the DEVIL and a BUNCH of WEIRD SHIT]
Mia Farrow: This is no dream, this is really happening!*
[she wakes up with SCRATCHES all over her]
Mia Farrow's Husband: Oh, I did you while you were sleeping. Hope that's cool.
Mrs. Old Neighbor: Here. Have some vitamin drink. It's good for you. Also, see this doctor we know. He's good for you. WE CARE ABOUT YOU. SO MUCH CARING.
[Mia Farrow's OLD LANDLORD goes into a COMA after he lost his GLOVE and she is SKETCHED OUT, but still gets a SASSY 'DO from VIDAL SASSOON]
Mia Farrow: Let's have a party with our regular friends...not those old weirdos.
All her friends: Um...you look TERRIBLE. And your doctor sounds icky.
Mia Farrow's Husband: Your friends are bitches.*
[their old landlord DIES and at the FUNERAL she gets a BOOK from a MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who tells her the NAME is an ANAGRAM]
Mia Farrow: Thank god this Scrabble game is such a big fad! I can use the letters to solve this mystery!
[she DOES, and realizes that Mr. Old Neighbor is EVIL, and finds out MORE CLUES that point in the direction of WITCHES]
Mia Farrow: Help me! My husband is in collusion with a coven of witches!
Other Obstetrician: Don't worry, that's just normal female hysterics. I'll call your husband and doctor. Oh, women...will you EVER have reasoning? Ha ha.
[he DOES, and she RUNS AWAY but they PURSUE her and TAKE her baby but tell her it DIED]
Mia Farrow: Where's my baby?!?!?!??
[she FINDS it, and the COVEN, in the SECRET CHAMBER behind the OMINOUS CLOSET]
Mia Farrow: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIS EYES?*
Mr. Old Neighbor: He has his father's eyes.*
Mia Farrow: Wait, what? I still don't get it.
Mr. Old Neighbor: Hell-OOO??? His father is the DEVIL. DUH.
Mia Farrow: Oh. OH! I am REALLY creeped out now. I thought you were just going to sacrifice him. This is an entirely different story. Well, he is still my baby...
[the CREEPY LULLABY starts again]

Pan's Labyrinth

[it is SPAIN, 1944]

Narrator: A long time ago, there was a princess who lived underground, and she died, but her spirit lived on. This is the story of that spirit.

Ofelia: Oh, how I do love fairy tales. But only the sort of gross and scary ones.

Ofelia’s Mom: Put those books away! I am pregnant! Be nice to your stepfather, the Captain, as he basically bought us.

[they ARRIVE at the house and the CAPTAIN checks his WATCH, because he is BASICALLY in LOVE with it]

The Captain: You are late, but I will be exactly as much of an asshole as I would have been had you been on time.

[he KILLS some PEASANTS just for the HELL of it]

Ofelia: Wow, this sucks…really bad. Perhaps I can find somewhere fanciful to escape this shitty existence.

[she sees a HUGE-ASS BUG and follows it into the WOODS]

Mercedes, the Maid: Don’t go into the woods! There are revolutionaries in there! I am telling you this because I HATE revolutionaries! Really bad! Hate! For real!

Doctor: Yep, me too! Hate those revolutionaries!

[the HUGE-ASS BUG returns and TRANSFORMS into a FAIRY, who leads Ofelia to a LABYRINTH]

Scary Faun: Hola. Bienvenidos a mi laberinto. Are you not scared of me? I am huge, and do not look real.

Ofelia: I don’t really do scared.

Scary Faun: Ho ho ho! I see now who you are! You are the dead princess, come back to us! Si! But I am not all the way sure. Here, take this crazy book, for it will tell you what you need to do before the next full moon. We fairytale folk love us a lunar calendar.

[Ofelia takes the CRAZY BOOK and leaves the LABYRINTH, running into Mercedes bringing FOOD to the REVOLUTIONARIES]

Mercedes: Please don’t tell your father!!

Ofelia: He’s not my father!!! I hate him and will keep your secret. Now, let me consult this book.

[words APPEAR on the PAGE as if by MAGIC, because it IS magic]

Ofelia: I have to put three magical stones into the mouth of the frog who lives under the fig tree and retrieve the key he keeps in his belly. Sounds easy!

[she COMPLETES the task and it is REALLY GROSS]

Scary Faun: Okay, good job, but you still have two more tasks.

Ofelia: But I’m worried about my mom! She’s sick!

[the Scary Faun gives her a MANDRAKE ROOT that looks like a FREAKY BABY and she puts it UNDER her mom’s BED]

Ofelia’s Mom: Che misterioso! I am miraculously getting better!

[meanwhile, the RATIONS TRAIN is EXPLODED by the forest revolutionaries, who then AMBUSH the Captain and his MEN]

The Captain: Grrr! Capture one of them alive! I shall torture him myself for answers.

Captured Rebel: S-s-s-sorry, Captain. I s-s-s-stutter.

The Captain: Your stuttering offends me! More torture!!

Doctor: Don’t worry, I am good and will help you at my own peril.

[he DOES, and the Captain KILLS him]

The Captain: Damn, what if I need a doctor later? Whatevs, I can handle it all myself. I AM AMAZING.

[meanwhile, back in Ofelia’s ROOM]

Scary Faun: Okay, now you need to take that key from the frog’s belly and go to this room with a banquet. The fairies will help you. But don’t eat anything!!! Seriously, NOTHING. Don’t eat ANYTHING.

Ofelia: Uh, okay.

[she goes to the BANQUET ROOM, where there is a SCARY PALE MAN who does not MOVE or SPEAK and has no EYES]

Ofelia: Thank you for helping me, fairies. I have the dagger. Now I’m juuuuuuust going to have a grape.

Fairy: [CHITTERS excitedly as if to SAY] Noooooooooooooooooo!!!

Ofelia: Dude, it’s just a grape. [she EATS it]

[the SCARY PALE MAN puts his EYEBALLS in his HANDS and LOOKS at her with his HAND-EYES, then EATS a FAIRY and starts to CHASE Ofelia]

Ofelia: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! Why did I eat that grape?!?!?

[she NARROWLY ESCAPES]

Scary Faun: You broke the rules!! You are not the princess!! GO AWAY!!!!

The Captain: Why is there a mandrake root under my wife’s bed? WHAT SORT OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS???

Ofelia’s Mom: Magic doesn’t exist.

[she throws the FREAKY MANDRAKE BABY into the FIRE, not knowing that it REPRESENTED her own BABY, and goes into LABOR]

Ofelia: Well, this sucks. No fairy realm, and now my mom’s dead. At least my little brother survived, though he’ll probably grow up to be a monster like his father.

The Captain: Mercedes, I know you are helping the revolutionaries. Now I must kill you.

Mercedes: Not before I stab you and slit you in the mouth like a fish, bastard!!

[she ESCAPES, and the Captain must STITCH his own WOUND because he SHOT the doctor earlier]

The Captain: How long did you know she was helping those revolutionaries??

Ofelia: Long enough to know that they are right and you are wrong, and also long enough to spike your drink with mom’s medicine, suckaaaaa!

Scary Faun: I will give you one more chance. Bring your baby brother to the labyrinth, and that dagger.

Ofelia: You’re not going to hurt him, are you?

Scary Faun: Uh…no.

[she RUNS to the LABYRINTH, pursued by the Captain, and everything is all DARK]

Scary Faun: Okay, now we have to open this portal to get back into the underground realm. We just need the blood of an innocent. Give me your brother.

Ofelia: No way!! I would give up my throne to protect him!

The Captain: Ha ha!! I found you!

[he SHOOTS her in the STOMACH because he is a TERRIBLE PERSON]

The Captain: Now I’ll just be taking my son and be off.

Revolutionaries: Yeah…that’s not happening.

[they CAP his ASS]

Scary Faun: You passed the final test! Welcome to the underground realm! You are back on your throne! Hooray!

Ofelia [in underground realm]: How beautiful!

Ofelia [in real world]: [dies]

1408

Edit: I totally forgot to mention here that what I watched was the "Director's Cut" (available for purchase on your cable provider's pay-per-view system), which is apparently vastly different/far more depressing/probably better than the original theatrical release that Laura refers to in her comment. (So, no, Laura, it wasn't the beer talking.) For more info, check out the surprisingly accurate Wikipedia page.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the WOODS]
John Cusack: Though I am a city boy, I shall stay in many hotels in outlying areas in search of paranormal activity. Perhaps it will take my mind off my past tragedy, which I will not reveal yet.
[he WRITES many CYNICAL chapters about supposedly HAUNTED hotels]
Tony Shalhoub: I'm your surprisingly easily-pleased publisher! Write me some books!!
John Cusack's Sole Fan: I really liked your novel. Was it autobiographical at all?
John Cusack: I'm going to say "no," with the very apparent meaning of "yes" behind it.
[he goes SURFING and TOTALLY WIPES OUT]
Mysterious Postcard: Don't stay in Room 1408.
John Cusack: I'm gonna stay in Room 1408, though it means going to New York and facing my past tragedy, which is still secret.
Samuel L. Jackson: Seriously, dude. Don't stay in the room. It's an EVIL FUCKING ROOM.*
[John Cusack INSISTS on staying there, AGAINST ALL LOGIC]
John Cusack: [speaking into his TRUSTY TAPE RECORDER] This isn't so bad. I mean, the paintings are kind of lame, but I wouldn't call them evil, necess--
[some FUCKING CRAZY-ASS SHIT happens, including a COUNTDOWN TIMER on his alarm clock, accompanied by CARPENTERS songs, as well as some BACKGROUND about his DEAD DAUGHTER, ESTRANGED WIFE, and OLD FATHER]
John Cusack: Whaaaaaaaaa?!?!
[he TRIES to SIGNAL to a GUY across the STREET, but it turns out he is SIGNALING to HIMSELF]
John Cusack: Whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!??!?!?!
[he gets CHASED by a SCARY FUCKING DUDE in the VENTS]
John Cusack: WHAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!
[he TRIES to ESCAPE by climbing to the NEXT ROOM, but it DOESN'T EXIST]
John Cusack: WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA?!?!?
[he is SWEPT AWAY in a TIDAL WAVE that is TOTALLY INSIDE his GODDAMN ROOM]
John Cusack: Fuck.
[he WAKES UP on the BEACH where he was SURFING]
Estranged Wife: You're okay now.
John Cusack: Hooray! I escaped. I shall write about this new life I found after having been through Hell and back, possibly literally.
[he goes to the POST OFFICE to mail his MANUSCRIPT, but it gets DESTROYED and he is STILL in Room 1408]
John Cusack: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
John Cusack's Dead Daughter: Daddy, I love you.
[she CRUMBLES into a PILE of ASHES]
Creepy Voice on Phone: You can choose to relive this hour over and over again, or you can use our Express Check-Out Option.
[there are NOOSES EVERYWHERE]
John Cusack: If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me!!!
[he makes a MOLOTOV COCKTAIL with this BOOZE that Sam Jackson gave him and BURNS TO DEATH]
John Cusack's Estranged Wife: Noooooooooo!!!! I just realized I still love you!!!
Samuel L. Jackson: Here are some things your husband left in our hotel.
John Cusack's Estranged Wife: No, thank you. Those things are creepy.
[Samuel L. Jackson LISTENS to the TAPE RECORDER and sees a SCARY THING in his rearview mirror]
Samuel L. Jackson: I want these motherfucking spectres out of my motherfucking car!