Legends of the Fall

This is my family's favorite movie. My dad would always insist on playing the soundtrack on long car rides, making our trips through rural Illinois to visit my grandparents seem majestic and deeply emotional. I was never really a fan (Brad Pitt eats a heart at one point, which is a big no thanks) but I did enjoy this rewatch.

**

[it is MONTANA, in the PAST]
One Stab [in VO]: Hello. I am here to tell you the tale of three brothers. And I thiiiiiink I’m a pretty respectful portrayal of a Native person?
[we HEAR the BACKSTORY of the Ludlow family in which Anthony Hopkins STOPS being an Army Colonel because he HATES the TRAIL OF TEARS and BUILDS a MANSION in the MIDDLE of NOWHERE and has THREE SONS and his WIFE is like “Smell ya later, I’m going back to civilization,” and Strapping Baby Brad Pitt MAIMS a GRIZZLY on an ADVENTURE so you KNOW he’s the COOL one]
One Stab [in VO]: The boys were BFFs and nothing could ever, ever, EVER tear them apart.
[it is LATER]
Elliott from E.T.: Hello, family! I am home from Harvard, and I have brought along my beautiful fiancé, Hubris. I mean “Susannah.”
[Aidan Quinn STARES at her like a SEX MURDERER]
Julia Ormond: What a beautiful landscape! I know I’ll be happy here with my boyish husb- wuh wuh wuh WUHHH?
[Brad Pitt APPEARS across the VISTA on a HORSE, with FLOWING FLAXEN LOCKS and ROUGHSHOD CHARM in TOW]
Julia Ormond: Holy SHIT.
[she LEARNS the WAY of the LAND cause she’s NOT like the OTHER GIRLS]
Anthony Hopkins: [CHOMPING on a GIANT CIGAR] What a treat to have a woman in the house again. Surely this will have no tragic consequences!
[Julia Ormond longingly WATCHES Brad Pitt TAME a WILD and SYMBOLIC horse]
Elliott from E.T.: I have enlisted in the army, due to my idealism.
Anthony Hopkins: You’re a damned fool! You’re the wimpiest one!
Julia Ormond: Please go protect him, Brad Pitt.
[she WEEPS and he HOLDS her in his MUSCULAR grip and they ALMOST KISS]
Aidan Quinn: [LURKING in the SHADOWS] Whaaaa?!
[it is WAR]
Elliott from E.T. [via letter]: It’s very gross here and I keep peeing my pants with fear. Maybe this was a bad idea.
[there are VIOLENT MONTAGES of his BROTHERS not LETTING him do ANYTHING on the field of BATTLE, some of which I FAST-FORWARDED]
Aidan Quinn: Our brother has joined a suicide mission to prove his bravery! You’re supposed to be supervising!
[Elliott DIES, obviously, and Brad Pitt is EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED and maybe EATS his HEART? and EVENTUALLY the BROTHERS return HOME to BEGIN their RIFT]
Aidan Quinn: This is kind of awkward, seeing as you’re basically my brother’s widow, but I love you. Please marry me.
Julia Ormond: :/
[she BONES Brad Pitt INSTEAD and they SPEND a LOT OF TIME brushing their LUSCIOUS LOCKS out of each other’s FACES]
Aidan Quinn: You’ll never make her happy. But you also have to marry her.
Brad Pitt: I will do both of those things.
[he DOES NOT]
Aidan Quinn: I'll show you all! I’m going to Helena to become a capitalist!
[MEANWHILE, Brad Pitt and Julia Ormond HERD cattle and BATHE in RIVERS and have NO FUN EVER, and he is CATATONIC]
Emo Brad Pitt: Since I almost accidentally murdered you because of my PTSD, I’m leaving now. To where I know not.
Julia Ormond: I’ll wait for you forever.*
[he PEACES OUT and the MUSIC is SO LOUD]
One Stab [in VO]: He had to find his destiny, like the rocks that meet the river and the sun shining in the sky and the mountains reaching to the heavens, and the bears feasting on children in the woods.
[Julia Ormond WRITES Brad Pitt LETTERS in her MIND and we see MONTAGES of him being DASHED ABOUT on SHIPS and MURDERING exotic ANIMALS for TUSKS]
Emo Brad Pitt [via LETTER]: I am dead, emotionally. Marry someone else.
Julia Ormond: WEEP.
Aidan Quinn: You always loved him more, Daddy! He stole my girlfriend and he killed our brother.
[Anthony Hopkins ROARS in ANGUISH and has an TRAUMA STROKE and it is SAD]
One Stab [in VO and I just REALIZED that he NEVER actually TALKS]: I heard a stirring in the winds and a beating in the heart of the land and other mystical stuff.
[Brad Pitt CRESTS a HILL yet again with a MILLION HORSES because this ASSHOLE always has to MAKE an ENTRANCE]
Brad Pitt: I’m ho-o-o-me! I shall never explain how I overcame my man pain. Here are some tusks. Look at my hair!
[it is BEAUTIFUL]
The Ranch Hand: Julia Ormond moved to Helena to marry your brother, who finally wore her down. He’s a congressman!
Isabel Two: Welcome home, Brad Pitt. It’s me, the hot daughter of the ranch hand who loved you as a young girl and who wasn’t brought up earlier in this recap because this movie is so long.
Brad Pitt: SCHWING.
[they FALL in LOVE via MONTAGE and get MARRIED and have BEAUTIFUL children]
Ranch Hand: You don’t really have any work skills so maybe become a bootlegger?
[he DOES and doesn’t PLAY by the RULES and the “corporate” BOOTLEGGERS are PISSED, but I wasn’t REALLY paying ATTENTION at this part]
Brad Pitt: Hello, Aidan Quinn and Julia Ormond. Nice to see you at this county fair as I frolic with my perfect family.
[she has ZERO CHILL and it’s like GIRL, get AHOLD of yourself]
Brad Pitt: Tra la, back to the ranch, family!
[they are FOLLOWED by the COPS who are in the POCKETS of the EVIL BOOTLEGGERS(?) and there is a STANDOFF and Isabel Two is KILLED by a ROGUE BULLET and it is HORRIBLE]
Brad Pitt: NOT AGAAAAAAAIN!
[he BEATS everyone UP and GOES to JAIL for a WHILE]
Brad Pitt: I know what I must do.
[there is a STRESSFUL MONTAGE where he and his RANCH BROS go on a MIDNIGHT REVENGE RAID interposed with Julia Ormond WEEPING at HERSELF in the MIRROR and CUTTING OFF her HAIR]
Brad Pitt: [SCALPS the shooter GUY, like I get that you’re MAD but HOLY SHIT, dude]
Julia Ormond: [SHOOTS herself]
Aidan Quinn: I played by all the rules and you played by none of them, and they all loved you more.*
The Evil Bootlegger: We’re here to kill you, Brad Pitt.
Anthony Hopkins: [unintelligible BEAR ROAR]
[the OLD BOY still has some GRIT in him, and SHOOTS most of THEM and then Aidan Quinn SHOOTS the main one UNEXPECTEDLY from BEHIND the HOUSE because the Ludlows will ALWAYS be BROTHERS even when they all BANG the same GIRL]
Aidan Quinn: Let’s have a reconciliation in front of these three corpses. Now let’s go bury them in the woods…as a family.
[they DO that GUY thing where they HUG AGGRESSIVELY and CRY-LAUGH and MEANWHILE the BODIES are just LYING there]
One Stab [VO]: Yes indeed, the body count was high for everyone that loved Brad Pitt. He was the rock they broke themselves against.*
[it is the FUTURE and OLD MAN Brad Pitt is MAULED to DEATH in SLOW MOTION by a GRIZZLY that is MAYBE the SAME one from the BEGINNING of the MOVIE but I’m not an EXPERT on the LIFESPAN of GRIZZLIES]
One Stab [VO]: It was a good death.*
My Family: [LEAPS to their FEET APPLAUDING]

*actual line from movie

A Few Good Men

 

Ah, Sorkin. Remember the early 90's, when your ego hadn't swallowed you whole and you could write non-grandiose dialogue and a female character that wasn't a TOTAL idiot, just kind of an idiot? Take us back.

***

[it is Washington, D.C.]

Demi Moore: Two soldiers murdered one of their coworkers in Guantanamo but I don’t think it’s their fault. As a capable, confident female naval officer-attorney excelling in a traditionally male space, I respectfully ask to take on their case.
The Men in Charge: Lol. Get out.
[we FLASHBACK to GUANTANAMO in the RECENT PAST]
That Guy in Every Sorkin Movie: This young solider wants a transfer and keeps breaking the chain of command because we ignore him.
Kiefer Sutherland: He’s a pu**y and I hate him!
Jack Nicholson: Calm down, boys. Let’s keep him here and whip him into shape.
[he WIGGLE-WAGGLES his GROSS EYEBROWS]
[back in present-day D.C., at a SOFTBALL PRACTICE where Tom Cruise at MAXIMUM CHARM beans GROUNDERS]
Demi Moore: So, I hear you’ve been assigned as lead counsel on this case. I know all about you. Harvard grad, son of a famous litigator, two years in the Navy, loves to plea bargain, possibly wearing lifts…
Tom Cruise: Thanks for providing all that exposition, sweetcheeks. Now scram, I have a scrimmage to win!
Demi Moore: Well as your superior officer, I'm joining this defense team!
Tom Cruise: Sure, whatever, I’m just gonna plea bargain cause I love to plea bargain as much as I love to make witty rejoinders. Also, these guys are murderers.
Demi Moore: Have you ever heard of a Code Red? Yeah, I didn’t think so.* 
Tom Cruise: I am mildly intrigued, but there is softball to be played and Yoo-Hoo to be consumed and work is boring! Let’s go to Guantanamo to check some boxes.
Kevin Pollack: Better wear the whites.*
Tom Cruise: I hate the whites.*
[they all GO to GUANTANAMO where Noah Wylie is their JEEP DRIVER]
Jack Nicholson: Welcome, chums. Nice whites. I’m here to be both ingratiatingly helpful and mildly sinister.
[they GO to a LUNCH filled with MALE GLADHANDING]
Demi Moore: I have some actual questions about what went down here. 
Tom Cruise: Hey, shut up. 
Jack Nicholson: Let her speak, but first let me tell you boys about how nice it is when powerful women blow you.
[he STARES Demi DOWN with his PERVERT BROWS but she is UNRUFFLED]
Tom Cruise: Yikes. I mean...yeah, women, amirite? Oh, before we go I’d like the dead guy's files, if that’s cool. 
Jack Nicholson: You have to ask me nicely.*
Tom Cruise: That was weird. And this file is also weird. I feel like something is missing…but I still just want to plea bargain, cause there are pickup basketball games to attend! 
[they MEET with their CLIENTS who are very MILITARISTIC and OPAQUE but EVENTUALLY say that they were ORDERED to do a Code Red which means you BEAT the SHIT out of your BROTHER-IN-ARMS to MAKE him HAPPIER and more PRODUCTIVE]

Kevin Bacon: I’m the prosecutor on this case and since you’re my b-ball bro, I’ll do you a solid and plead them down to two years if you don’t mention this “Code Red” nonsense.
Tom Cruise: Great! Let’s wrap this up, soldiers.
The Alpha Soldier: No. We did nothing wrong. We were ordered, and you follow orders. 
Demi Moore: To trial it is!
Tom Cruise: Aw MAN, now I have to work! Good thing I’m the most brilliant litigator to never try a case.
[he and Demi and Kevin Pollack PREPARE for the CASE in MONTAGE FORM and we SEE Cruise’s GENIUS BLOSSOM]
Tom Cruise: I will put on this uniform and be very handsome cause let’s be honest, I really am. Time to trial!
[he MAKES a VERY SORKIN-Y opening statement to DEMONSTRATE his COCKSURE COURTROOM STYLE]
Kevin Bacon: I call to the stand many “hey, it’s that guy!” witnesses, including Cuba Gooding Jr. and Christopher Guest.
[Tom Cruise is BRILLIANT all the TIME in his REBUTTALS]
Demi Moore: It’s going GREAT. 
[the BETA defendant TAKES the STAND and RUINS EVERYTHING]
Tom Cruise: Goddammit Demi Moore, why didn’t you prep him better? You're supposed to be the Hermione of this operation!
Demi Moore: Well Kevin Pollack is actually the one who is supposed to pr-
Tom Cruise: NO, YOUR FAULT.
Demi Moore: Want to go on a date?
[they DO and have the LEAST amount of CHEMISTRY ever RECORDED on FILM and it is NEVER SPOKEN of AGAIN]
Demi Moore: I still believe in our extremely unwinnable case with no witnesses or proof of anything.

[they LOSE a KEY WITNESS and Tom Cruise GETS DRUNK and FLAILS around in a MANNER that SUGGESTS he has NEVER actually been DRUNK in his LIFE]
Demi Moore: Call Jack Nicholson to the stand. He says that he was going to transfer the murder victim but we both know that’s not true. 
Tom Cruise: No, we will literally go to prison if we so much as suggest he did anything untoward because apparently he is King of Navy. YA DUMB.
Kevin Pollack: Your father was the greatest lawyer in history but I would still have you defend me over him because you are just that amazing at lawyering. 
Tom Cruise: You have found my weak spot because I am Tom Cruise in a Tom Cruise movie and a Tom Cruise movie just ain't a Tom Cruise movie unless I, Tom Cruise, has some kind of issue with my father, Tom Cruise Sr. Bring me my thinking bat!
[his MAGIC BAT gives him the KEY to the CASE]
Tom Cruise: I call Jack Nicholson to the stand!
Jack Nicholson: Here I am, to intimidate the shit out of you and calmly answer all of your “gotcha” questions about suitcase-packing. Adequately rattled? Are we done here? 
Tom Cruise: I didn’t dismiss you yet. Sit down. 
Jack Nicholson: Oh HELL no. Time to bring out the big Nicholson guns. You want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall.*
[he Nicholsons SO HARD]
Tom Cruise: Well look out, old timer, cause I’m gonna Cruise the hell out of you. I want the TRUTH!*
[he Cruises his FACE OFF]
Jack Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH,* whatever that means! It was I that ordered the Code Red!

Tom Cruise: I….didn’t think that would happen.

[EVERYONE is BLOWN AWAY]
Kevin Bacon: Uh...I think we have to arrest you now, Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: Wait, what?
Jury Foreman: The defendants are not guilty.
Judge: But they are dishonorably discharged. 
The Beta Soldier: What does that mean? We didn’t do anything wrong!
The Alpha Soldier: It was our duty to protect that dead wimp. We deserve this.
Tom Cruise: You don't need a badge on your arm to have honor.*
[they SALUTE each other RESPECTFULLY and I CRIED a LITTLE?]
[the movie ENDS ABRUPTLY and we have NO IDEA what happens to ANY of these PEOPLE and I have some FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS]

*actual line from movie

X-Men: First Class

I like how, on this poster, they put Havok on it, but so, so far back that it almost doesn't matter that he's there, like the tiny CGI horse at 0:38 in this Beyonce video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is WWII Germany]
L'il Fassbender: Nooooo! Don't take meine Mutti away!! Noooo! We are Jews!!!!
[he BENDS a GATE and the Nazis are like WHAT]
L'il Fassbender: Raaaaaaaaaaage!!! My rage makes metal do things!!!!
[it is WESTCHESTER, also during WWII]
L'il McAvoy: Oh, hello, possible burglar. I don't mean to pry, but...you're clearly not my mother, though you look like her. I was just wondering what you were doing in my kitchen. Also I was wondering why I have an English accent, since we're in America.
L'il Lawrence: Uh...I'm a shapeshifter. My real form is blue and weird-looking. But I guess you knew that because you can read minds. Not really sure about the accent thing, though.
L'il McAvoy: Jolly good, we're both mutants then! You can live with me, though we are both, like, 10.
[back in GERMANY]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Move this coin.
L'il Fassbender: I can't!
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: No? Okay, I'll shoot your mom then.
[he DOES, and L'il Fassbender goes NUTBALLS and all the METAL everywhere is, like, DESTROYED]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Yes! Yes!!! Mutants!!!!
[it is LATER, during the SWINGING SIXTIES]
James McAvoy: You have a mutation...a very groovy mutation.*
Random Hot Girl: Hahahaha! Your stupid pickup line totally worked on me!
Jennifer Lawrence: Sigh.
[it is LAS VEGAS]
Extremely Unnecessary Title Card: LAS VEGAS, NV
Rose Byrne: Look! It's that general! I'm going to tail him in lingerie, just like a CIA agent would, because I am totally a CIA agent, you guys.
[she DOES, because in the SIXTIES, all ladies wore FANCY UNDIES ALWAYS]
January Jones: Are my breasts big enough to distract you from how bad I am at acting?
Kevin Bacon: ...not really.
January Jones: Oh well, here they are anyway. I can turn into diamonds LOL
[she LURES the GENERAL into a ROOM with her VACANT SEXINESS]
Kevin Bacon: You better vote for the government to put nukes in Turkey!
General: No!
Kevin Bacon: Yes!
[the TORNADO-MAKING GUY shows his MUTANT POWERS and also his SWEET LUXURIOUS MANE]
General: Okay! Your tornadoes, and to a lesser extent, your hair, have convinced me.
[the RED MUTANT spirits him AWAY via MUTANT POWERS]
Rose Byrne: Nukes in Turkey! And mutants!! That's no good! I better tell the rest of the CIA!
[they don't BELIEVE her because of SEXISM]
Rose Byrne: Damn my lingerie!! I must find a mutant expert! That's a real thing, right?
[meanwhile, in ARGENTINA]
Michael Fassbender: I'll have a beer, please, and also the square jaw of Viggo Mortensen. Oh wait, I already have that. Just the beer, I guess.
Some Guys Who Are Clearly Nazis in Hiding: Deutsches Bier...das Beste.
Michael Fassbender: BUSTED. You guys are totally Nazis. And I'm a Jew...who is gonna kill your asses!!!
[he DOES, spectacularly]
Michael Fassbender: Revenge!!!!!
[meanwhile, on a BOAT]
General: Okay, so now that I've helped you get the nukes into Turkey, I can just, like, chill out, right?
Kevin Bacon: NOPE. And guess what? I'm also a mutant!! And my mutant power is absorbing energy!! Like the energy from that grenade you were going to try to kill me with!!!! But instead I will kill you!!!!!!
[he DOES, also spectacularly, but less so]
Rose Byrne: I need to find a mutant expert.
James McAvoy: I am a charming mutant expert. You have a very groovy mutation...*
Rose Byrne: Okay, stop trying to charm me, this is serious. I need your help at the CIA.
CIA Heads: These mutants might be dangerous! We can't HIRE them!
Oliver Platt: Yes, but I can! I'm in this movie!!
James McAvoy: Okay, but first we have to find Kevin Bacon. I will do it with my mind powers.
[they FIND him on his BOAT and try to CAPTURE him but he gets away in his SUBMARINE]
Michael Fassbender: Nooooo!!! My revenge!!!
James McAvoy: Stop trying to stop his submarine with your powers of metal, new friend. Just calm down in the water here with me. Rest your head upon my shoulder. Not in a gay way or anything.
[they DO NOT KISS but really SHOULD]
Oliver Platt: I'm still in the movie! Enjoy it while it lasts! Let's go to my compound.
About A Boy: Hi guys! I'm a scientist! And a mutant! Please don't stare at my feet!
[his FEET are HUGE]
Jennifer Lawrence: Bokayyyyy! You also have mutant body issues, just like me! Maybe we can work through them together.
About A Boy: Also I made this thing that can amplify telepathic powers! Let's find some more mutants! Here, put this thing on your head.
James McAvoy: Don't touch my hair.*
[there is a MUTANT-FINDING montage that is PRETTY GREAT]
Angel: I'm a stripper with bug wings!
Havok: I can shoot red flame things!
Darwin: I adapt to my environment! Also I am black, FYI.
Banshee: I can yell real loud!
James McAvoy: Great! You guys hang out here and we'll go see what the bad guys are up to.
[the BAD GUYS attack the COMPOUND and basically DESTROY it except for the MUTANTS]
Angel: I'm switching sides, you guys.
Darwin: Nooooooo!
[he tries to STOP HER but instead is KILLED because of TROPES]
Kevin Bacon: Come on, stripper bug, let's get out of here.
[meanwhile, in RUSSIA]
January Jones: Seriously, check out this rack, you guys. It is, like, amazing. I just want to look at my own breasts all day.
Michael Fassbender: Yeah, we get it.
James McAvoy: Now tell us the plan! Oh wait, I'm a telepath, I'll just look in your brain and find it out!
[he DOES]
James McAvoy: Oh shit, Kevin Bacon is going to start World War III! All right, back to the compound to assemble our army of teen mutants.
Jennifer Lawrence: Um...it's destroyed.
James McAvoy: Oh, easy fix, we'll just go to my insanely huge mansion upstate.
[they DO, and do a GROOVY TRAINING MONTAGE]
Teen Mutants: We are good at our powers now!
Michael Fassbender: I learned to harness my emotions to move a satellite dish!
James McAvoy: Yes. Use the place between rage and serenity.*
Michael Fassbender: Isn't that, like...all the emotions? Like, if rage is a 10, serenity is a 1?
James McAvoy: Shut up, it sounds good.
[they both shed A SINGLE TEAR but still DO NOT KISS]
About A Boy: I brought you a present!
Jennifer Lawrence: Is it chocolates?
About A Boy: No, it's a serum that will fix how you are so ugly.
Jennifer Lawrence: That is a terrible present!
[she tries to deal with her MUTANT BODY ISSUES by THROWING HERSELF at Fassbender]
Michael Fassbender: You fine, but not now. But let me reiterate: daaaaamn, you fine.
About A Boy: I was just trying to help...I'll take the serum myself, though.
[he DOES and he turns BLUE and FURRY]
About A Boy: My comeuppance!!! Now I will grow up to be Kelsey Grammer! Whyyyyy!!
Rose Byrne: Ummmmm you guys we still kind of need your help to capture this bad guy...the Cuban missile crisis is happening and I think he's going to use it to start a war so mutants can take over.
Kevin Bacon: Yes!! That is totally my plan! I will wear this helmet the Russians made to block out telepaths! It does not look stupid AT ALL.
[there is an INTENSE STANDOFF involving the EMBARGO LINE and MICHAEL IRONSIDE]
Kevin Bacon: Hahaha! When the Americans shoot that Russian ship that my henchmen now have control of, a global thermonuclear war will be launched!
James McAvoy: Oh no you don't!
[he TELEPATHICALLY makes a RUSSIAN DUDE blow up the RUSSIAN SHIP so there is NO WAR]
Michael Fassbender: Now, for my revenge.
James McAvoy: No! Don't do it! Be the better man!
Michael Fassbender: Dude, he killed my mom.
[he STEALS the STUPID HELMET and kills Kevin Bacon with a COIN through his FOREHEAD]
Michael Fassbender: Remember this coin from earlier? I CAN MOVE IT NOW, BITCH.
[he DOES NOT actually say that but he is TOTALLY THINKING IT]
James McAvoy: We can coexist with humans!
Michael Fassbender: Then why did the Americans and Russians BOTH just shoot all their missiles at us?
James McAvoy: Oh. Well, shit.
Michael Fassbender: We can never live peacefully with them!!
[he uses his METAL POWERS to aim the MISSILES back where they CAME FROM]
James McAvoy: What are you doing?!
Rose Byrne: Yeah, stop that!
[she SHOOTS and one of the bullets is DEFLECTED into James McAvoy's LUMBAR REGION]
James McAvoy: My spine!!!
Michael Fassbender: I guess we are enemies now, old friend. Bye!
Jennifer Lawrence: I'm, uh...I'm switching sides too. Mutant and proud!!
James McAvoy: Great. I'm paralyzed and have no friends. I guess I'll open a mutant school. That seems appropriate.
Michael Fassbender: And I'll find that diamond lady with the big ta-tas!
January Jones: That's me!
[she STARES VACANTLY]
Michael Fassbender: Now I shall be called...MAGNETO!!!
[he puts on a CAPE for some reason]

Guest Post: The Hurt Locker

Okay, I don't want to set a precedent here of fan-submitted UCMs, because then I might have to be like "no, I ain't like this" and make you feel sad. And no one wants that. But GUYS. Raych, of the super-hilarious and informative Books I Done Read, has submitted this one and let me tell you: it is fan-effing-tastic. If you submit something, make sure it is this great.

I also want to take this moment to point out that the porn title in last week's ep of 30 Rock for this movie was The Pert Knockers. It was not spoken, it just showed up behind Jack on the Kabletown guide. That is all. Enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[It is IRAQ]

That Guy from Memento: War is kind of fun! Let’s make some dick jokes.

Anthony Mackie: Ok. Hey, the hastily-cobbled-together wagon we sent to go set off that bomb fell apart.

That Guy from Memento: I’ll put on the bomb-repellant suit and go set it off myself. I’m the Team Leader, so you sort of assume that I’m not going to get killed because you’ve forgotten that I’m not really in that one trailer you saw.

Me: [assumes he’s not going to get killed (see: above)]

[The bomb EXPLODES and he is KILLED, illustrating both that this job is DANGEROUS and that the SUIT will not SAVE you.]

[It is LATER at the ARMY BASE and there is LOUD MUSIC]

Anthony Mackie: Uh, hey.

Jeremy Renner: What is UP? I am your new Team Leader. I am going to remove this plywood that blocks this window, even though it’s supposed to protect us from air raids, because I am a RECKLESS MAVERICK.

Anthony Mackie: Ok.

[They go on several MISSIONS to defuse BOMBS and Jeremy Renner is SUPER GOOD at defusing BOMBS, but also prone to doing RECKLESS THINGS like taking off his HEADSET and tugging UNNECESSARILY HARD on WIRES that are attached to BOMBS and not wearing the BOMB-REPELLANT SUIT.]

Jeremy Renner: [sets off a smoke flare for no reason except so that his team can’t SEE HIM to make sure none of the INSURGENTS attack his ass, which is sort of their JOB]

Me: Now that’s just silly.

Brian Geraghty: Hello? I haven’t really done much til now, but I’d just like to mention that I’m also on this team? Also, I’m very very frightened of dying in battle, FYI.

[They run into some OTHER AMERICANS in the DESERT who have a FLAT TIRE and they BANTER for COMIC RELIEF and it is actually FUCKING HILARIOUS but then they are SHOT at by IRAQIS and have to HUNKER DOWN in a CREVASSE of SAND.]

Jeremy Renner: Now I will show my TRUE COLORS as Team Leader, by being really gentle and soothing with Brian Geraghty, who is sort of losing his shit, and by giving my juice pack to Anthony Mackie even though I’m obviously REALLY THIRSTY. See my human side!

[They KILL the Iraqis DEAD and Jeremy Renner is ACTUALLY SORT OF GOOD at LEADING.]

Me: [is still sort of fed up with him]

Jeremy Renner: Fine, how about I make friends with this Iraqi kid named Beckham? Look, I let him win at soccer.

Me: [relents, because kids winning at soccer are cute]

[They go to a suspected BOMB SITE where the BOMB is inside a DEAD KID who is OBVIOUSLY not BECKHAM but who JEREMY RENNER thinks IS]

Jeremy Renner: Aghhhhh! My human side! It burns!

[He sends everyone OUT and sheds some MANLY TEARS. He goes on a RAMPAGE to find the ones RESPONSIBLE but INSTEAD meets a VERY NICE Iraqi professor and is BEATEN UP by the professor’s WIFE and it is RANDOM]

[They go to ANOTHER bomb site and it is NIGHT and there is basically just a lot of SHRIEKING and FLAMES.]

Anthony Mackie: Well, this bomb has already gone off, so I’m not sure why we’re here.

Brian Geraghty: [concurs]

Jeremy Renner: I AM ADDICTED TO ADRENALINE! Plus I just got beat up by a professor’s wife. Let’s split up in the dark and try to find some bad guys.

Anthony Mackie: Um, no?

Jeremy Renner: [pulls rank]

Anthony Mackie: [obeys, because he is a GOOD SOLDIER]

[They SPLIT UP and Brian Geraghty is CAPTURED by BAD GUYS and they SAVE HIM but Jeremy Renner accidentally SHOOTS HIM in the LEG.]

[It is LATER and Brian Geraghty is being HELICOPTERED out of IRAQ.]

Brian Geraghty: I’m actually really pissed about this. You think this is where I say something chummy to demonstrate how close we’ve grown despite your recklessness, but I am seriously choked.

[Jeremy Renner sees Beckham and realizes that the DEAD KID was NOT Beckham and this proves…SOMETHING.]

[They go to YET ANOTHER BOMB SITE, but this time it is STRAPPED to a GUY]

Guy (via Translator): I wish I had not strapped on this bomb? Please help. I have children.

Jeremy Renner: No problem, I will just cut this bomb-cage off of you with bolt cutters, except shit, there is a timer and not a lot of minutes on it.

[He takes WAY TOO LONG to EXPLAIN to the guy that he CAN’T cut off the BOMB in time, which SEEMS sort of POINTLESS because the guy will be DEAD in a few seconds ANYWAYS, plus the TRANSLATOR is now WAY OVER THERE.]

Guy: [explodes]

Jeremy Renner: I have failed at something for the first time ever. I AM SO CONFLICTED.

Anthony Mackie: I’m not really sure why this needs saying, but I don’t enjoy almost dying every day.

Jeremy Renner: I…sort of enjoy almost dying every day? NOW I AM MORE CONFLICTED.

[Their TOUR of DUTY is OVER. Jeremy Renner goes HOME and raises his SON with his WIFE and grows a SKEEVY MOUSTACHE and it is BORING.]

Jeremy Renner: Oh son of mine, you love your mobile and your parents and your blanket, but I only love one thing and that’s defusing bombs.

[Jeremy Renner is in an ARMY PLANE wearing FATIGUES and looking RESOLUTE.]

Avatar

[it is THE FUTURE]
Sam Worthington: Hey guys. Remember me from that new Terminator? Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm back, and I've got a slightly better American accent. But only slightly. I'll be doing a fair amount of voiceover, since exposition is hard. Basically, we're in the future, and I'm in cryogenic storage, and I'm going to take over a mission that my late identical twin brother started. He was a scientist, and I'm a soldier.
My Roommate Tina: Wait...is this the movie?
James Cameron: You better BELIEVE this is the movie!! I just had to get all this explaining out of the way first.
Sam Worthington: Right. So one time I dreamt I could fly, which is super-weird, because I'm totally in a wheelchair. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YA?!?!
[he goes to a DISTANT PLANET to be a MERCENARY or something, though he is a CRIPPLE]
Stern Commander: You little maggots aren't going to last long in this hostile atmosphere! You need an air mask here! Here is some more information about it! In a stern tone!!
That One Hot Nerdy Guy from Dodgeball: Oh boy! Science!
Sigourney Weaver: Yes. Science. And more exposition. See, what we've done here is create an avatar, which is a creature that looks like the indigenous people that live on this planet, that has a neural linkup with ourselves. And they're super-expensive. And after that one scientist died, we found out he had an identical twin, so we're gonna just, like, throw him in the avatar. And then we go teach the natives English. Because English rules.
Dodgeball: I can't wait to do some science!
Sam Worthington: My brother was the scientist, not me. I'm a soldier.
Sigourney Weaver: Oh HELLLLL no! Where is that sniveling corporate scumbag who runs this place?
Giovanni Ribisi: Right here, doing a character voice and putting golf balls.
Sigourney Weaver: How DARE you bring in this soldier to my science mission? We are here for science. SCIENCE!!
Giovanni Ribisi: Well, I'm here for this highly-valuable rock: unobtainium.
Sigourney Weaver: Wait - is that really what it's called?
Giovanni Ribisi: Yes - unobtainium.
Sigourney Weaver: This is a joke, right, Jim? It's called "unobtainium"? Really?
James Cameron: DO NOT QUESTION MY WAYS. Besides, "MacGuffinium" sounded too obvious.
Sigourney Weaver: Fine, let's just get in the avatars.
[they get in a BOX that has a LINK to the AVATARS, which are like EIGHT FEET TALL and BLUE and BEAUTIFUL]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: OMG I can run you guys!! But I couldn't before!! Because I am paralyzed!!
[he RUNS AROUND and it is COOL]
Blue Cat Dodgeball: We have to do some science! Let's go!
Michelle Rodriguez: Yeah!! I'm gonna fly you to the science place!
[they go into the FOREST, which looks pretty much like an EARTH FOREST, except all the CREATURES are CRAZY COLORS]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: I think I'll just wander over here and look at some possibly-hostile plant life on this unknown planet.
[a HUGE FUCKING CREATURE that is AWESOME chases him through the forest and he gets TOTALLY LOST]
The Rest of the Team: Well, shit. We lost him.
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Too bad I'm in this blue cat form. Because I'm super-hot even in real life. I'm still hot as a blue cat, though. Wait a minute! Who is that? I will shoot him with my arrow!
[a BLOSSOM lands on her ARROW so she doesn't SHOOT him because ladies be loving FLOWERS, and then she SAVES him from some CREATURES because she is NOBLE]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Thanks for not shooting me, and also for saving me from the many creatures in this fucking incredible-looking forest. How much did that phosphorescent tree cost?
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Like $20 million. Now, stop bothering me. You are like a baby!*
[he FOLLOWS her to the village through the COOL-ASS COMPUTER FOREST]
Other Blue Cats: Get this Dreamwalker out of our village!!
[they speak in their BLUE CAT LANGUAGE, so there are subtitles in PAPYRUS, one of the WORST FONTS]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: Do I have the best name ever? Yes.** Am I your spiritual leader? Also yes. And do I think this Dreamwalker will be a welcome addition to our tribe? ...maybe. My daughter will teach him our ways. If they fall in love while this is going on...I would not be surprised.
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Mo-ooooooooommmm!!
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Looks like you're stuck with me, g'day? I mean - uh - I'm not Australian.
[his AVATAR goes to SLEEP, so he WAKES up in his REAL, BROKEN body]
Sigourney Weaver: Oh good! We have an insider! Now I like you, though you are a soldier and not a scientist.
Stern Commander: I also can use you for my own purposes. Find out information to get those fucking natives away from the unobtainium! I want to blow some shit up! I can get you the use of your legs back. Just saying.
Sam Worthington: I would really like the use of my legs back, so I will act as a double agent.
[he LEARNS the ways of the BLUE CATS, which include riding HORSE ANTEATER things that they CONNECT to via their PONYTAIL NERVE ENDINGS]
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Someday, you will be ready to ride one of those crazy dragon bird things. Also, and this is just side information, my grandfather's grandfather once rode the biggest, craziest of all the dragon bird things, in a time of great sorrow. It is very rare. I'm sure it won't happen again anytime soon.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: That's good to know. But let's ride some of those regular crazy dragon bird things around for a while and flirt whilst we do so.
[they DO, and it is GLORIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL and COOL]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: You are ready to be initiated into our tribe.
[there is a SURPRISINGLY TAME ceremony]
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Let's go to the tree of souls, which cost $50 million. That is where we can listen to our ancestors. Also, we can totally make out there.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Hot.
[they BONE and it is BLUE CAT HOT, but then they almost get RUN OVER by a BULLDOZER]
Giovanni Ribisi: Yeah, bitches! I'm destroying your lives! Woooooo! Corporations!!
All the Blue Cats: Noooooooooooooooo!
Sam Worthington: Look, I know you guys have unobtainium to...uh...obtain...but these are people we're talking about! You can't just run them over!
Giovanni Ribisi: I just did, bitch!!
Sam Worthington: Give me one last chance to convince them to move. I know I've had three months to do this, but I think this extra hour will REALLY seal the deal.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: So, I'm really sorry, but I sort of betrayed all you guys? At first this was just an assignment, but then I learned about you and your way of life, and everything changed and now I feel bad.
All the Blue Cats: Boooooooooo! We hate you now!
[the BAD GUYS blow up their TREEHOUSE and it is actually pretty SAD while also being FUCKING AWESOME]
Michelle Rodriguez: Although I am in the military, I don't like this. I'm turning my future helicopter around, which apparently has no consequences, though I'm disobeying a direct order?
[she ALSO breaks the SCIENCE PEOPLE out of JAIL because she is MORAL or something]
Sigourney Weaver: Oh, good, now we can go back to our forest base!
Stern Commander: Not if I can help it!!
[he BUSTS outside with a HUGE GUN and NO AIR MASK because he is fucking BALLS-OUT PISSED about the SCIENCE PEOPLE doing their SCIENCE]
Sam Worthington: Suck it, Stern Commander! You can't shoot us! We're in a helicopter!
Michelle Rodriguez: Plus, we're going to the Flux Vortex, and their instruments won't work there.
Sigourney Weaver: Really, Jim? Flux Vortex? It's like you're making fun of your own movie.
James Cameron: DID YOU SEE THOSE EXPLOSIONS? No one is gonna care that there is something called the Flux Vortex.
Sigourney Weaver: This is just getting silly. I'm out. Everyone, I've been shot.
Sam Worthington: Shiiiiiiiiit. No one can help us now but the tribe! And the tribe won't trust us unless I do something EPIC. I know! I'll ride that biggest, craziest dragon bird thing!
[he DOES, and it RULES SO HARD]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: You have re-earned our trust with your taming of the biggest, craziest dragon bird thing. Now we will listen to you.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Okay, but first can you put Sigourney Weaver's soul in her avatar body for real? I bet that tree can do it.
[they TRY by going to the phosphorescent TREE, but it FAILS because she is TOO INJURED]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Our only option now is to fight. I'm going to band together all the tribes!!
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Hottttttt.
[they launch a HUGE ATTACK on the CORPORATION and the MILITARY and it is SUPER FUCKING COOL]
Michelle Rodriguez: Ow! My everything! I got blown up! But I died nobly!
All the Blue Cats: Run away! They are going to defeat us and our simple way of life!
Eywa, the Deity of the Blue Cats: Nuh uh!!
[ALL the CREATURES in the whole FOREST come to their RESCUE, a la CINDERELLA and those MICE, but with WAY MORE AWESOMER CREATURES]
The Corporations and the Military: Now we are the ones being defeated! What? Oh, how the tables have turned!!
Stern Commander: Guys, we can't have this movie end without a final battle, hand-to-hand, between the good guy and the bad guy, can we?
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: No way!
[they FIGHT and it is PRETTY COOL because the Stern Commander is in like a ROBOT SUIT that is SWEET]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Ow! My real body! It's dying because the bad guy poked holes in the box I'm in!
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: I will save you, for I love you, even though you betrayed our people.
[she NAILS the bad guy with a HUGE ARROW and it's PRETTY AWESOME]
Sam Worthington: I see you.*
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: I see you.* Wait, is this weird? That you're human now? And I'm like literally three feet taller than you?
Sam Worthington: It's cool, baby, my human form is dying anyways! Remember earlier when we tried to transplant Sigourney Weaver's soul into her avatar? I bet we could try that again! But this time it will totally work!
[it DOES, and is LUMINESCENT]

**not actually true, as S. Epatha Merkerson technically holds this title. But we can let CCH have her fun.

Deep Impact

[it is VIRGINA]
Elijah Wood: Look! A heavenly body I don't recognize! What could it be? I will ask my friend, the professor of astronomy in Arizona.
Professor: WHAAAAAA?!?!? This is momentous! But the server is down!! Nooooo! I must drive in a fast and erratic manner to deliver this news to the world.
[he LABELS the unknown HEAVENLY BODY and drives SO FAST to TELL SOMEONE that he HITS a TRUCK and DIES]
[meanwhile, in WASHINGTON DC]
Tea Leoni: Can't you give me an interesting story for once? Why do I have to cover this stupid Treasury Secretary resignation? I have enough problems as it is, with my mom Vanessa Redgrave all depressed because my dad left her for a younger woman.
Vanessa Redgrave: [drunkenly] Hear, hear!
That One Doctor on ER Who Had Crutches and Was a Lesbian: Nope, sorry. I'll give you a better story next time.
[Tea Leoni DIGS because she is a REPORTER and wants the TRUTH, and she gets a LEAD]
Tea Leoni: We know all about your resignation! I am going to phrase my knowledge in a vague way, so you think I know what I'm talking about!
James Cromwell: Look, it doesn't even matter now. I just want to be with my family. Congratulations on the biggest story in history. I will also talk in a vague way.
Tea Leoni: Wow, what an arrogant jerk - his affair, the biggest story in history?
[she gets RUN off the ROAD by SCARY CARS]
FBI Agents: Come on. Someone wants to talk to you.
Morgan Freeman: Hello. We heard you had some information. I will also not divulge any additional information to keep you confused as long as possible.
Tea Leoni:The president's black? This really is a liberal Hollywood movie.
[she uses ALTAVISTA to search for INFORMATION and since the internet is BRAND NEW, only ONE RESULT is returned]
Tea Leoni: Extinction level event?! Noooooo!! All the vague talking confused me!
[they have a PRESS CONFERENCE and Morgan Freeman is PRESIDENTIAL]
Lesbian Crutches: Hey! How come you get to be in front, Tea Leoni?
Tea Leoni: Because I stumbled on to the story. Sucka!
[meanwhile, in VIRGINIA again]
Townspeople: The comet that is going to destroy earth is named after you! Awesome!
Elijah Wood: Yeah! It's pretty cool! Future generations will know me as...oh wait. There won't be any future generations.
Some Random: You're going to have more sex than anyone!*
Leelee Sobieski: Yeah you are!! From me! Heyyyyy!
[meanwhile, at NASA]
The Dad from That 70s Show: Ready, team?
Robert Duvall: You whippersnappers don't know the first thing about landing on a planetary object! I better come with you on this mission to destroy the comet hurtling towards earth.
Blair Underwood: Token black dude, reporting for service.
Mary McCormack: Token woman, also reporting for service.
Jon Favreau: Guy Who Will Die in a Gas Blast, reporting for service.
Russian: Token foreigner, reporting for service.
Robert Duvall: Great. Now, keep your eye on that huge Sunrise Countdown Clock, because once the sun hits the surface of the comet, the gas jets on the comet will activate. Because that is a thing that happens.
[they go to the COMET and a bunch of SHIT happens and they FAIL]
The Dad from That 70s Show: Not only did they not destroy the comet, but they broke it into two pieces, a little one and a big one! AND the ship is lost! Sheesh! So inept!
Morgan Freeman: So, we kind of thought that might happen, so we're going to shoot missiles at the comets when they get close enough. Also, we've been preparing a system of caves in the soft limestone of Missouri, in which we'll put one million people, randomly chosen by social security number. There is no way that anyone could be concerned about this system, since computers are unhackable and infallible. Oh, and we're pre-selecting some important people, too.
Elijah Wood's Family: We got pre-selected!
Leelee Sobieski's Family: We didn't. :(
Elijah Wood: Let's get married! Then we'll all get in!
[meanwhile, on the NEWS]
Tea Leoni: This is me, reporting to you, about everything. Trust me. I am the news. So, since that other plan failed, here come the missiles!
Morgan Freeman: Those failed too. The world is ending. Everyone to the caves! Well, everyone who was picked. The rest of you: suck it.
[Leelee Sobieski's family is NOT on the list, and she REFUSES to go without her PARENTS and FREAKISHLY YOUNG baby brother]
Vanessa Redgrave: Well, I guess I'll get all dressed up...and kill myself.
[she DOES]
Tea Leoni's Dad: Sorry I was an asshole for my whole life. Here are some pictures from when you were little.
Tea Leoni: I don't forgive you!!
[she GAZES at the PHOTOS, which apparently CHANGE her MIND]
Tea Leoni: Wait, I do! I want to die in a huge tidal wave! Lesbian Crutches, take my place on this helicopter to safety.
[she goes to MAINE and he is THERE and they get THRASHED by a WAVE caused by the LITTLE PIECE of COMET crashing into the ATLANTIC]
Elijah Wood: I can't live without my teen bride!
[he takes a MOTORBIKE to go SAVE her and her BABY BROTHER, and they make it to HIGH GROUND, though her PARENTS die]
Crew of the Ship: Hey! We have a chance to save earth! But we'll die in the process. Let's do it!!
Houston: We brought your families here to say goodbye. Except you, Russian. You can suck it.
Me: [crying ACTUAL TEARS]
[they DRIVE the ship INTO a FISSURE and EXPLODE the BIG COMET into MILLIONS of PIECES]
Earth: Hooray! Even though the megatsunami killed millions, the bigger comet won't black out the sun! We can survive!
Morgan Freeman: [presidential THINGS]

Harrison Ford Week: Air Force One

[it is RUSSIA]
Harrison Ford: And so I, the President of the United States, stand before you, giving a speech that my advisors will be really, really pissed about, because I totally just changed our terrorism policy without consulting them. However, my new plan is very ethical and upstanding, because that is how I roll.
[he goes to the AIRPORT and many people BOARD the PLANE]
Deputy Press Secretary: Oh, hey there, Russian news team! Come on board with us and learn about the President!
Gary Oldman: Da. We will do just that. If by "learn about," you mean "take hostage."
Harrison Ford: Put the Notre Dame game on! I just want to relax and enjoy my flight.
First Lady: Yes, indeed!
First Daughter: Dad, you're so awesome, and so devoted to us, your family.
William H. Macy: It sure is great being in the Army and riding on Air Force One!
[many PLANE PREPARATIONS are shown, and they TAKE OFF]
Evil Secret Service Agent: Oh, hey guys, I was just coming in here to - KILL YOU!!
[he SHOOTS three other Secret Service agents and deploys a SMOKE BOMB]
Russian News Team: Get the guns! And take everyone hostage!
[there is a HUGE SHOOTOUT and some people get KILLED]
Good Secret Service Agents: Mr. President, we must protect you! Get into this specially-designed escape pod!
Harrison Ford: But...my family! I can't leave them! I'm too ethical!
[they SHOVE him into the POD anyway and some more SHOOTING happens]
The Pilots: Shit! Lock the cockpit door!
[the TERRORISTS blow up the DOOR with plastic EXPLOSIVES, which seems SURPRISINGLY EASY]
Gary Oldman: Do not land this plane!
Pilots: No! We don't listen to terrorists!
[they TRY to land ANYWAY and get SHOT]
Gary Oldman: Fine, we'll fly it.
[meanwhile, in WASHINGTON]
Glenn Close: As the Vice President, I'm now in charge.
Dean Stockwell: But I'm the Secretary of Defense! I think I'm in charge!
Glenn Close: Um, I don't think we really have time to debate this right now? Because Air Force One has been hijacked? So just, like, settle down for a second. Okay, terrorists, what were you saying?
Gary Oldman: I was saying that we will execute one hostage every half hour until the General you just captured is released.
Glenn Close: You don't really expect us to be able to to do that, do you? Also, we don't even know if the President is still alive.
Gary Oldman: Fine.
[he SHOOTS the national security advisor to PROVE he is SERIOUS]
Glenn Close: Well, okay then.
Some Random: They found the escape pod...it's empty.
[meanwhile, on the LUGGAGE DECK of the PLANE]
Harrison Ford: Suckaaaaas!! I'm still on the plane!
[he SHOOTS a terrorist to show how BADASS he is]
Harrison Ford: Now to get in touch with Washington.
[he finds a SATELLITE PHONE, but needs to CONSULT the MANUAL]
Harrison Ford: Shit...I don't know the number.
[he CALLS the SWITCHBOARD, which is HILARIOUS]
Another Terrorist: I wonder where Ivan went...it's sure taking him a while in the basement.
[he goes DOWNSTAIRS and finds Harrison Ford on the PHONE]
Harrison Ford: I'll just drop the phone in my pocket and tell them what to do. I MEAN, WHAT COULD THE AIR FORCE POSSIBLY DO? FIRE A MISSILE AT US? THERE ARE COUNTERMEASURES IN PLACE. IT WOULD NOT HURT US, JUST KNOCK US AROUND. DO YOU HEAR ME???
Terrorist: You are a crazy man.
Glenn Close: Ohhhhh! He wants us to shoot at the plane.
[they send up FIGHTERS and SHOOT at the PLANE, which basically just CAUSES TURBULENCE]
Harrison Ford: Now I will kill you!
[he SMASHES the terrorist into a FRIDGE]
Harrison Ford: Don't release the General. We do not negotiate with terrorists.
Glenn Close: But you've been taken hostage!
Harrison Ford: If you give a mouse a cookie...*
Glenn Close: ...he's going to want a glass of milk.* Good use of children's literature to prove a point, sir. This is why you are the President.
Harrison Ford: Speaking of milk...that leaking milk carton has given me an idea.
[she gets a PLANE EXPERT to help with the PLAN, but does NOT release the GENERAL]
Some Plane Guy: Okay, so you're going to want to cross the green wire with the ajfskodfharulebrwr---[static]
Harrison Ford: Shit. Now I don't know which wires to cut. I will choose based on the colors of the American flag, because I love America.
[he DOES, and it WORKS, because AMERICA RULES]
Gary Oldman: We are losing fuel! I will shoot this Deputy Press Secretary unless you show yourself, Secret Service agent on the luggage deck! Also, send a refueling plane, because we are losing fuel.
[Harrison Ford stays HIDDEN because it would be STUPID not to]
William H. Macy: That was a good decision. No, really...it made sense.
[Harrison Ford KILLS some more TERRORISTS, basically with his BARE HANDS, and finds the HOSTAGES]
Harrison Ford: WHERE'S MY FAMILY? I am contractually required to say that gruffly in every film.
William H. Macy: They're up in the cockpit with the terrorist leader. But I have an idea to get some of the hostages off the plane.
[they use a FAX MACHINE operated by a SASSY BLACK LADY to tell the GROUND PEOPLE that they need to DROP their ALTITUDE and a bunch of the hostages PARACHUTE out of the plane]
Harrison Ford: Phew, it worked!
Gary Oldman: No, it didn't. For now I have captured you. And if you do not release the General, I will shoot you.
Harrison Ford: Fine. Go ahead.
Gary Oldman: Uh...I mean...I will shoot your daughter!!
Harrison Ford: That is NOT okay. Fine, release the General.
Glenn Close: Wait, really?
Dean Stockwell: I told you I should be in charge!
[he starts UNDERMINING Glenn Close's AUTHORITY through BUREAUCRATIC NONSENSE]
Harrison Ford: Come on, they're distracted!
[they TRY to run away but HELLO they're on a PLANE and the First Lady gets RE-CAPTURED]
Gary Oldman: Now I will parachute away, and take your wife with me!
[they have a BATTLE by the OPEN DOOR of the PLANE, which Harrison Ford OBVIOUSLY wins]
Harrison Ford: Get off my plane.*
[he SHOVES him out the DOOR and it is SWEET]
First Lady: Hooray! We won! But wait...there is like half an hour left in the movie. What other obstacles must we overcome?
Evil Secret Service Agent: [looks MEANINGFULLY at EVERYONE]
Glenn Close: Now there are MiGs on your tail.
[they have an AIR BATTLE and Air Force One is BADLY DAMAGED and CAN'T LAND]
William H. Macy: Here's a wacky idea: how about a midair rescue?
[another plane COMES and they hook a ZIPLINE between the PLANES and it is CRAZY but it WORKS]
Zipline Rider Guy: We're losing altitude! We only have time for one more rescue! Will it be the President, the Evil Secret Service Agent, or William H. Macy?
Evil Secret Service Agent: I can answer that for you.
[he SHOOTS him]
William H. MAcy: Wait, what? You're a BAD GUY??
[he SHOOTS him too]
Harrison Ford: Oh, no, you don't!
[they FIGHT and the winner is ONCE AGAIN Harrison Ford because he is AWESOME at FIGHTING and DIPLOMACY]
Evil Secret Service Agent: Noooooooo!
[he CRASHES with Air Force One into the OCEAN in BAD* CGI]
Harrison Ford: Now, to ride home in style...at the end of a zipline.


*not really "bad" as much as just "from 1997"

Harrison Ford Week: Clear and Present Danger

[it is a BOAT]
Rich Family: La, la, la! Being rich and on this boat is awesome!
Drug Dudes: You mean was awesome...
[they MURDER everyone in a BLOODBATH]
The President: That murdered guy was my friend!
Everyone: But he was involved with a Colombian drug cartel.
The President: Well, let's take care of that cartel, eh?
[meanwhile, at the CIA]
James Earl Jones: I'm dying. You need to take over my job.
Harrison Ford: But I'm just a regular guy who sometimes unwittingly finds himself in crazy international conflicts! I can't do your job!
[he ACCEPTS anyway and tells Congress that there will be NO TROOPS used in the War on Drugs]
The Guy Who Always Plays a Bureaucratic Dick: Dammit! That Boy Scout Jack Ryan is now in charge! We need troops! Or Black Ops! Assemble a team! But don't tell anyone.
Willem Dafoe: Okay.
[he TESTS some SOLDIERS on a SNIPER RANGE that is littered with CHEESEBURGER WRAPPERS and finds the BEST ONES]
Benjamin Bratt: I am in this movie.
[meanwhile, in COLOMBIA]
Head Drug Guy: Find out why all my assets are frozen! My cover of a legitimate coffee business is not working! And some American soldiers fucked up one of my drug plants! This is terrible!
The Latin Jack Ryan: I will seduce an underling at the FBI and get the information for you. (aside) And then I will undermine you, kill you, and take over the drug gang.
Head Drug Guy: What was that?
The Latin Jack Ryan: Oh, nothing.
[he goes on a DATE with the FBI Director's SECRETARY, who is Harrison Ford's Wife's FRIEND]
The Latin Jack Ryan: The director of the FBI knows all about your drug business. We better kill him.
Harrison Ford: I better go see what's happening in Colombia.
[he UNWITTINGLY stumbles into the MIDDLE of the SITUATION, as is his WONT]
Bad CIA Guy Who is the Bureaucratic Dick's Boss: They killed the director! Kill the drug lords! Kill ALL the drug lords! Use a missile!
[they fucking BOMB the SHIT out of the Big Drug Lord Meeting and pretend it was a CAR BOMB]
Head Drug Guy: We're late to the meeti--oh. Everyone is exploded.
Harrison Ford: This bombing looks like a missile, not a car bomb. This is suspicious.
The Latin Jack Ryan: This bombing looks like the work of the Americans. This is suspicious.
[they both RESEARCH INTENSELY and discover the SAME THING - that there are AMERICAN TROOPS in COLOMBIA]
The Latin Jack Ryan: I will tell everyone that you bombed the Big Drug Lord Meeting unless you cut off all support to your troops down here and let me kill them.
Bad CIA Boss Guy: Okay.
Harrison Ford: Who in the government would do such a thing? That one guy is kind of a dick. I bet it was him.
Fish from Ally McBeal: I can hack into his computer for you! Here's the password! But don't log in until he's logged out.
Harrison Ford: ...too late!
Bureaucratic Dick: I will delete each file as soon as you open it, you fucking Boy Scout!
[they have a COMPUTER CHASE, which is just about as exciting as it SOUNDS, and Harrison Ford discovers that the TROOPS are going to be LEFT FOR DEAD]
James Earl Jones: I am dead.
[there is a FUNERAL that is INTERCUT with the TROOPS getting KILLED by the DRUG DEALERS]
Harrison Ford: Okay, back to figuring out this stuff. I'm going to go to Colombia and rescue the deserted soldiers!
Bureaucratic Dick: Listen, this guy who's coming down to find you? He's the one who cut off your funding. As soon as he's dead, we'll bring you home.
Willem Dafoe: Really? Okay.
Harrison Ford: No, they are liars. I am here to help you. Look, to prove it, I will buy a helicopter.
[they FLY AROUND and FIND one of the SOLDIERS, who tells them that TWO GUYS have been CAPTURED]
Willem Dafoe: How are we going to get in? We can't just walk up to his front door.*
Harrison Ford: Oh really?
[he LITERALLY walks up to the guy's FRONT DOOR]
Harrison Ford: Your right-hand man was planning to kill you. Here is evidence.
The Latin Jack Ryan: Oh, no, you don't!
[some people get SHOT and the only two left STANDING are Harrison Ford and The Latin Jack Ryan]
Harrison Ford: Looks like it's time for my contractually-obligated Final Showdown with One Guy.
[they FIGHT and it is COOL and obviously Harrison Ford WINS because he is AWESOME]
Willem Dafoe: Jump on to this helicopter!
[Harrison Ford DOES, and they GAZE LOVINGLY at each other for a WEIRDLY LONG time]
The President: Hey, thanks for covering up all those shenanigans. Let's just let your dead friend take all the blame and keep this between us.
Jack Ryan: I have too many ethics to dishonor the memory of those soldiers.
The President: Come onnnnnn, dude. It's the old Potomac Two-Step.*
Harrison Ford: Sorry, Mr. President....I don't dance.*
[he TESTIFIES, even though it will make him LOOK BAD, because he has MORALS]

Firestarter

[it is the EIGHTIES]
Drew Barrymore: Daddy, why are we running away from those quasi-federal** agents? Do they want to kill us like they killed Mommy?
80s-Hot Dad: Yes, honey. They’re very mean men, who did a mean experiment on me and your mommy.
[flashbackflashbackflashback]
Scientist Guy: So, we’re testing this drug to see if it will give you mind control. Half of you will get a placebo, and half will get the drug.
Heather Locklear: I’m so scared, but my hair is fabulous. Console me, handsome stranger.
80s-Hot Dad: I’m sure we’ll both get the plain water.* Even though, statistically, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
[they both get the DRUG and are able to express their LOVE via MIND READING]
80s-Hot Dad: Let’s get married and have a child. Hopefully, she will not gain any freaky powers from this drug we took.
Drew Barrymore: Look, Daddy! I can toast bread with my mind!!
Heather Locklear: Okay, time for bed!
Drew Barrymore: NO!
[she sets her mother’s OVEN MITTS on FIRE]
80s-Hot Dad: …and that’s why we’re running from the quasi-federal agents. And also why I have Jedi mind control.
[meanwhile, in an OFFICE of the QUASI-FEDERAL AGENCY]
Martin Sheen: We have to get our hands on this little girl! She can start fires with her mind!
George C. Scott: Yes. I agree. And my scraggly gray ponytail also agrees.
[meanwhile, on a FARM]
Farmer: Well, hello there! You look like you might be runnin’ from a quasi-federal agency of some sort. Why don’t you come sit a spell?
Drew Barrymore: You’re nice! I won’t set you on fire!
80s-Hot Dad: …and that’s why we’re running from the quasi-federal agents.
Farmer: Oh. Well. I…don’t think you should stay here. I may have country hospitality, but I wouldn’t want any quasi-federal agents shootin’ up my house.
[the AGENTS show up in LINCOLN TOWN CARS]
Drew Barrymore: You go away!
[she EXPLODES them with her MIND]
80s-Hot Dad: I know! We’ll go to our own cabin, the one with the deed in my name! They’ll never think to look for us there!
George C. Scott: Oh, look. They have a cabin in the woods. They’re probably there.
[he SHOOTS them with TRANQ DARTS and takes them to the AGENCY COMPOUND]
Drew Barrymore: I want to see my daddy! Where is he?! I will set you on fire!
Martin Sheen: Now, now, young lady, we just want to see what this fire-setting business is all about. Now, just coopera—
Drew Barrymore: NO WAY!
George C. Scott: I shall remove my eyepatch and pose as a friendly orderly to win the trust of this child. Then she will allow us to experiment on her. And then…I will dispose of her.
Martin Sheen: What? When?
George C. Scott: When she is at the moment of her greatest happiness, I will strike her across the bridge of the nose, driving bone fragments into her brain.*
Martin Sheen: Dude…that’s fucked up.
[they PROMISE she can see her DAD if she sets some stuff ON FIRE]
Martin Sheen: Yes…YES!!
[meanwhile, in another part of the QUASI-FEDERAL COMPOUND]
80s-Hot Dad: I’m so drugged up that my Jedi mind control is broken! Whyyyyyyy???
[he tries REAL HARD, so hard he gets a NOSEBLEED, and FIXES his JEDI MIND CONTROL]
80s-Hot Dad: Ha HA! Now, Martin Sheen, I will trick you into letting me go.
Martin Sheen: No, these aren’t the droids we’re looking for. I mean, yes, you may go.
[the dad sends a NOTE to his DAUGHTER to meet him at the STABLES]
Drew Barrymore: Trusted, friendly orderly! My dad has a plan to break us out of here!
George C. Scott: Oh, he does, does he?
[they all MEET in the STABLES and it all ends with a HUGE FIRE and basically everyone DEAD except Drew Barrymore]
George C. Scott: Now I will shoot you!
[Drew Barrymore EXPLODES the BULLET in MIDAIR and it is KIND OF AWESOME]
Drew Barrymore: You killed my mommy and daddy! ALL SHALL PAY!!
[she goes on a RAMPAGE and blows up ALL SORTS OF SHIT, including a HELICOPTER]
Drew Barrymore: I’m going to find that nice farmer and his wife. And I’m going to sell my story to the New York Times for big bucks! Suckaaaaaaaas! Oh, wait, I’m an orphan. Weep.

**a note about this phrasing: the info page on our cable described this movie as something like "A father and daughter run from quasi-federal agents." What, exactly, is a quasi-federal agent? Either you're federal, or you're not. Do they get government funding for their mind control experiments? Do they have state-level Scary Mercenary Assassins? Do they fight with local shadowy entities?

Cloverfield

[it is NEW YORK]
Generic Hot Dude: Ha ha ha!! I love this camera! And you! Wait...we're just friends. Maybe I don't love you. My biggest problem is my relationship with you!
Generic Hot Girl: Hee hee hee! We're so generically hot and happy! I've never been to Coney Island! Maybe that's because we're elitists.
[some time LATER]
Hud: Dude! Rob's going to Japan! Say something for the camera!
Rob's Attractive Friends: Bye Rob!! Have fun in Japan! I heard you did it with your friend!
Generic Hot Dude: Uh...yeah.
Generic Hot Girl: We slept together, but we're fighting now.
[she LEAVES and people KEEP PARTYING]
Hud, the Guy with the Camera: Yo, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!
[a HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION happens, and a HUGE FUCKING MONSTER is tromping around]
Everyone: WHAT THE FUCK????
[everyone fucking FREAKS OUT, but for some reason Hud KEEPS FILMING in an AMATEURISH WAY]
Someone: Oh my god! The head of the Statue of Liberty just flew through the air! This monster hates freedom! It must be French!!
[they try to go to BROOKLYN, but the BRIDGE collapses and his brother BITES IT]
Generic Hot Dude: We gotta go find my friend-with-benefits that I just had a fight with, even though we are way downtown, and she lives in Midtown, which is way far, especially considering that there's a monster on the loose.
The Brother's Girlfriend: Nooooooo!!! I'm so ethnically ambiguous!!
[they go into an OBVIOUSLY FAKE subway station]
Hud: I guess I'll just keep filming with this handheld camera.
[they go into a TUNNEL and find some BABY MONSTERS with the NIGHT-VISION on their camera and it is WAY SCARY]
Janis Ian from Mean Girls: Ow! My shoulder! The baby monster alien thing bit it!
Hud: I still love you.
Military People: Here is the deadline of when you have to get off the island of Manhattan, to add drama.
Generic Hot Dude: We still need to find my not-girlfriend!!
[they go to COLUMBUS CIRCLE and the buildings are like FUCKED]
Generic Hot Dude: I know! We'll just climb to the top of that one building, and hop on over to her building. Easy!!
[they climb like SIXTY STORIES, which is BASICALLY UNTHINKABLE]
Generic Hot Dude: I found you!! ...now what?
Generic Hot Girl: Perhaps our attractiveness will save us.
[they RUN AROUND for a while and look at the DESTRUCTION]
Janis Ian: Gahhhh!!
Hud: Guhhhhh!!
[they DIE in GROSS WAYS]
Generic Hot Dude: Hi, people watching this. We got eaten by a monster or an alien or something.
[the film CUTS BACK to Coney Island for some MODICUM of CLOSURE]
Generic Hot Girl: Look!!! I'm at Coney Island!! Maybe I'm not a snob!!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I feel like I've given you guys enough time to see this if that's your cup of tea. If you haven't seen it yet, I don't think I need to tell you that there are spoilers up in here.
~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is the 1950s]

Some Russians: These American teenagers and their Elvis music are annoying, but good exposition. They tell us so much about today's America.

[they KILL a bunch of SOLDIERS and go into a RESTRICTED AREA]

Cate Blanchett: Dr. Jones, I have studied Russian extensively at the Rocky and Bullwinkle Academy of Hokey Dialects, and I need you to find a thing in this warehouse.

Harrison Ford: But I'm so old!

[many "JOKES" are made to IMPRESS this point]

Harrison Ford: Okay, fine, we will use the magnetic properties of the unnamed thing to find it. Just toss some gunpowder in the air and voila!

[they DO, and it somehow WORKS, and the THING is a STRAIGHT-UP alien corpse]

Mac: Okay, time to betray you!

[he DOES, and there is an UNINSPIRED CAR CHASE]

Harrison Ford: I gotta get out of here. Look, a town! In the middle of nowhere! Where they normally test atomic bombs! With houses! And...mannequins?...and...oh. Shit.

[he hides in a FRIDGE because it will protect him from the impending NUCLEAR BLAST]

The Janitor from Scrubs: We've got our eye on you, Jones. Consorting with the reds is no laughing matter here in the McCarthy era.

Bradford Meade from Ugly Betty: I am in the military, and also in this movie for 1 second.

[meanwhile, back at COLLEGE]

Jim Broadbent: So, basically you're fired because everyone thinks you're a commie. Go America! Wait, they also think I am one too. Laters.

Harrison Ford: I guess I'll just go, then...I am pretty old.

Shia LeBoeuf: Hey! I'm riding a motorcycle! That means I don't respect authority or society! My pompadour shows how cool I am! I quit school! SUCK ON THAT.

Harrison Ford: What? Who are you?

Shia LeBoeuf: My mom gave me this letter to give to you because she's in Peru and needs to be rescued or something. I'm not really sure. But I will mention here that I am pretty good at fencing. That might seem like random information now, but trust me - we'll need it later.

KGB: We have found you, because we need you for some reason.

Dude in a Letter Jacket: Hey! Other 1950s stereotype! I don't like you.

Dude in a Black Leather Jacket: Oh yeah? LET'S FIGHT.

[there is a CHASE on the MOTORCYCLE and with CARS through the HALLS of KNOWLEDGE and it is only MODERATELY awesome]

Harrison Ford: Whew. We lost them. Okay, let's go to my house. They're sure not to find us there.

Shia LeBoeuf: Here's the letter my mom sent. It has a code. I'm still not really sure why you need to go get her and her friend Oxley, who you also know.

Harrison Ford: Oxley wrote me a riddle in a dead language! Ho ho ho. He is such a card. Basically, we are looking for these crystal skulls that are mysterious. Let's go to Peru on the Red Line Airline.

[they DO, and go to a GRAVE where there are POISON-DART-BLOWING grave keeper people who are TOTALLY ZOMBIES]

Harrison Ford: Okay, we have the skull.

Bad Guys: And now we have you. Because we need you. For some reason...what was it again? Oh, right, to decipher the insane rantings of this friend of yours.

[they go to the BAD GUY CAMP and Karen Allen is TOTALLY Shia LeBoeuf's MOM]

Harrison Ford: WTF?

Karen Allen: Sup.

Cate Blanchett: Now, explain what this man is talking about. He went crazy when he looked at the crystal skull too hard. Now we will make you do the same thing. Also, the skull is from an alien. FYI.

[he LOOKS at the skull REALLY HARD and shit gets CRAZY]

Harrison Ford: That was weird, and I'm not entirely sure what I was supposed to get out of it

Mac: Also, we are friends again.

[Shia LeBoeuf CLOCKS a dude in an ILL-ADVISED manner]

Shia LeBoeuf: We're escaping now! My disdain for authority has finally paid off!

Harrison Ford: Do you have a plan? Or are we just going to run into lightning sand?

Shia LeBoeuf: The second thing, I guess.

Karen Allen: The kid's your son! I never told you! AAAA! I'm sure no one saw that one coming AT ALL!!! AAA!

[they get SAVED from the SAND when Shia LeBoeuf throws them a SNAKE]

Harrison Ford: I still hate snakes! Remember that, audience? Good times. Good times.

[they get CAPTURED again by Cate Blanchett and her CREW, but then ESCAPE again and have a CAR CHASE that involves Shia LeBoeuf SWINGING on VINES with LITERAL GODDAMN MONKEYS]

Shia LeBoeuf: Now I will display my aforementioned fencing skills!

[he FIGHTS Cate Blanchett but they STILL ESCAPE and then go down THREE INSANELY HUGE WATERFALLS and NEVER DIE]

Harrison Ford: Okay, so now we have to go to this one place and put the skull back where it belongs, and then we'll...uh...be complete. With this quest. Right.

[they GO and there are ALIEN SKELETONS who are a HIVE BEING and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK]

Cate Blanchett: Tell me! TELL ME EVERYTHING! I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING!

[an INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL opens and the BAD GUYS get SUCKED in]

Former Raving Lunatic: They weren't aliens. They were interdimensional beings. They live in the space between spaces.

Harrison Ford: Their treasure wasn't gold. It was knowledge. Knowledge was their treasure.*

Shia LeBoeuf: But...the knowledge made everyone go crazy and kill people.

Harrison Ford: EVERYTHING IS TIED UP NOW, SON.

[he and Karen Allen GET MARRIED]

Shia LeBoeuf: Hey, can I have your hat?

Harrison Ford: No. Never. Never ever. Ever.

[the END...but probably NOT, sadly]