Me, Myself, and Irene: The Pitch Meeting

[it is HOLLYWOOD]
Film Exec: We're looking for something new, something edgy, something with a lotta heart and a lotta farts. Call up those Farrelly brothers. You know, with the one with the jizz in the hair.
Film Exec's Assistant: Right away, boss!
[he LITERALLY RUNS to the phone]
Bobby Farrelly: Listen, we got this great new idea. You know how mental illness is so hilarious?
Film Exec: Well, sure I do!
Bobby Farrelly: Of course! There's nothing funnier than someone with a disease that's misunderstood by most of the population, a misunderstanding perpetuated by all sorts of media!
Peter Farrelly: So what we'd like to do is make a movie about a guy with two personalities - you know, schizophrenia!
Film Exec's Assistant: Um, isn't schizophrenia a disorder that causes the sufferer to experience a break with reality? That isn't the same as what people refer to as "multiple personality disorder" but is now officially called "dissociative identity disorder"? And wouldn't equating schizophrenia with multiple personalities make it even more difficult for those who live with it to--
Film Exec: Get me a coffee and stop talking! All this gobbledy-gook is going to confuse our audience! And confused audiences don't see more movies!
Bobby Farrelly: That's right, sir! We're going to keep this nice and simple. Just call it schizophrenia.
Peter Farrelly: But this movie isn't just about a guy with multiple personalities, one of which makes a lot of off-color jokes and is extremely sexual in a hilarious manner. No - this movie has black people and white people living together in harmony! Including a black midget!
Film Exec: Sounds great, but we need to make sure these black people are presented in a good light; this isn't a minstrel show. Can they be really smart?
Bobby Farrelly: Sure! But they'll still talk like black people. You know how black people talk! They say "motherfucker" a lot! Talking about quantum physics will be so much more hilarious if the word "motherfucker" is in there.
Peter Farrelly: Yeah, they'll be the really smart illegitimate children of the wife of the schizophrenic guy, who had an affair with a black midget! Wacky!!
Film Exec's Assistant: Schizophrenic doesn't mean--
Bobby Farrelly: Whatever. Look, we've got Jim Carrey talking, he's riding high on the fumes of Man on the Moon, and needs to get back to what he does best: make funny faces and contort his body.
Peter Farrelly: We could even have a scene where his two personalities have a fight! Jim can really show off his skills at punching himself in the face with that!
Film Exec's Assistant: I don't really think that's how it works.
[he QUIVERS a little bit]
Film Exec: Get me a danish! So, boys, you got a plot for this little number? Or a girl? Gotta have a girl!
Bobby Farrelly: We'll figure something out - like, we figure out a way for Jim and whoever the girl is - somebody skinny and blonde, maybe that "You had me at hello" chick - to go on some sort of road trip, so there are multiple opportunities for hijinks.
Peter Farrelly: They can meet hilarious characters along the way, like an albino kid who claims he murdered his whole family!
Bobby Farrelly: Maybe they're on the lam for some reason. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that Jim Carrey is going to try to shoot a cow that got hit by a car to put it out of its misery, and when that doesn't work, he will wrestle with it. And if that isn't comedy gold, I don't know what is.
Film Exec: Me neither, son. Me neither.

Two Weeks Notice: The Pitch Meeting

So this movie is not actually all bad - I do actually like Miss Sandy and Hugh together, and there were a few actual funny parts. But overall, it's just another rehash of every inane romcom ever and makes two female lawyers act like feuding preteens. Which makes me the sadder that Sandy's listed as one of the producers (a fact I ignored while writing this Pitch Meeting). I legitimately enjoyed Miss Congeniality, Sandy! I even liked Hope Floats a little bit. What gives? Why you gotta give us this schlock?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is a CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT conference room]
Hugh Grant's Agent: Listen, my boy needs a hit, and he needs it now. Whaddaya got for me?
Male Film Exec: Let's see, a hit...well, perhaps Hugh could play a British man. A slightly rumpled, but very rich British man.
Hugh Grant's Agent: Hugh can totally do that. He plays both rich and rumpled quite well. And British, of course!
[they CHUCKLE indulgently]
Male Film Exec: He could have a change of heart! About, you know, his morals or whatever. Like, maybe he owns this big corporation, right? But he doesn't know anything about life.
Hugh Grant's Agent: That's so deep. Hugh's going to love that.
Male Film Exec: So he has a change of heart due to...a lady! That he hates at first, but then likes, and then, realizes he is in love with. Yes! This is cutting-edge stuff, right here.
Hugh Grant's Agent: A lady? She's the one who teaches him what's really important in life? This is going to basically change the way we think about film.
Female Film Exec: So this is a chick flick. Great.
Male Film Exec: We're talking, hang on. And the lady could be...oh, someone pretty that people like.
Hugh Grant's Agent: Well, that could be any number of ladies in Hollywood! But no one over 40! Ha ha!
[they CHORTLE heartily]
Film Exec: But we'll want the ladies to relate to her, so she should be almost 40. But just under. And she should probably look around 30. This isn't Dubuque! Ha ha!
Hugh Grant's Agent: I know! That Speed girl!
Female Film Exec: She has a name, you know. And her own production company. And Speed was, like, 10 years ago. And she's a woman, not a girl.
Hugh Grant's Agent: Yeah! Her! Sandy Bullock! Everyone loves her. Plus, she's so pretty!
Male Film Exec: And she can be...a Harvard-educated lawyer. You know, for the smart skirts to relate to.
Hugh Grant's Agent: But she shouldn't be too smart - we want the fellas to find her attractive, too! And you know how guys hate a smart broad.
[they HIGH-FIVE]
Male Film Exec: Well, I'm fresh out of ideas. Let me get my writer squad in here. Maybe they can spitball a little.
[a CADRE of MAN-BOY WRITERS enters, wearing a VARIETY of SORT-OF TRENDY shirts]
Writer #1: She can be a hippie lawyer! With hippie parents! Tofu jokes galore!
Writer #2: And he can hire her to work for his company! Wackiness everywhere!
Male Film Exec: But wait - if she's a hippie lawyer, why would she work for him? Everyone knows hippies hate corporations.
Writer #3: Oh, we'll come up with something - like he promises not to destroy something she cherishes if she'll work for him. A community center or something hippie-ish like that.
Writer #1: And then - ooh! And THEN - he can almost break his promise, but since he realizes he loves her, he won't. That's when he learns about life. And makes a romantic speech.
Writer #2: Also I have a great bit about being stuck on the Queensboro Bridge and having to have explosive diarrhea and using an RV bathroom. If we could work that in, that would be great.
Hugh Grant's Agent: This all sounds great, guys, but shouldn't there be a little conflict at some point? Say, with another girl? A younger, hotter one?
Male Film Exec: Sure, sure - maybe Speed girl -
Female Film Exec: SANDRA BULLOCK.
Male Film Exec: Sure, her - maybe she hires this new, hotter girl to replace her as the corporate lawyer.
Writer #3: That'll work. I mean, corporations hire young lawyers with no corporate experience to head their legal departments all the time. It's totes believable. I'm all about realism, you know?
Writer #1: And then - ooh!! And THEN - the hot lady lawyers fight over Hugh! Because Harvard-educated women totally get in catfights over billionaires all the time!
Female Film Exec: This is ridiculous. I'm leaving.
Male Film Exec: Must be on her period! Heyyyoooo!!
[all the DUDES bump CHESTS]
Hugh Grant's Agent: Wow, guys, you have really outdone yourselves this time. Hugh is going to just vomit with happiness. But not explosive diarrhea with happiness. We'll leave that to the funny chick.
Male Film Exec: No problem. As long as they still kiss at the end, everyone's gonna eat this up. Oh, and remember - no punctuation in the title! Even if it's appropriate!

Notting Hill: The Pitch Meeting

[it is a CONFERENCE ROOM at Polygram in 1997]
Film Executive Man: Listen, kids, we need a vehicle for Julia. Something cute, something smart, something that really lets that million-dollar smile loose.
American Screenwriter: Those teeth! God, I could lick them.
Film Executive Woman: Don't be vulgar.
British Screenwriter: How about something with her and Hugh Grant? His hair is sufficiently floppy for women to swoon over.
American Screenwriter: Hugh Grant? I mean, I kind of get the appeal, but isn't he a little...gay? Because he seems a little gay to me.
British Screenwriter: He's just British, you clod.
Film Executive Man: Okay, settle! Settle. So we've got Julia and Hugh.
British Screenwriter: Right. And Hugh is just this very ordinary man who lives over the shop he owns. It's a...bookshop.
American Screenwriter: But it's a quirky bookshop. People love specifics. Like - he only sells travel books. And people always come in asking for regular books! It's so wacky.
British Screenwriter: And he has an idiotic Welsh roommate. Those Welsh! They're so stupid! Film Executive Man: They are?
British Screenwriter: Yes. It's important. For my comedy.
Film Executive Man: Uh, okay. And Julia fits in here...how?
American Screenwriter: This is the beauty part! She's a movie star! And they meet, somehow, doesn't matter how, and they are instantly attracted to one another.
British Screenwriter: Because they're both beautiful!
Film Executive Man: Beautiful people DO often fall in love. Sounds great!
[he CLAPS his FAT LITTLE HANDS]
American Screenwriter: But wait! There's a problem.
Film Executive Man: Isn't that always the way?
British Screenwriter: Their lives are so different! He has some friends - they should be pretty quirky, too, to contrast with Julia's glamour - maybe someone in a wheelchair? Write that down.
Film Executive Woman: I'm not a secretary.
American Screenwriter: So Hugh wants to see her again, but she's on a press junket! And the only way he can see her is to pretend to be a reporter for - get this - Horse and Hound magazine!
Film Executive Man: That doesn't even sound real!
British Screenwriter: It is, though! That's the beauty part. Specifics.
American Screenwriter: So they end up seeing each other again. But then it turns out she's got a boyfriend!
British Screenwriter: A boorish American boyfriend! Someone who looks and acts like a pig. You know, a typical American.
American Screenwriter: To contrast with the slight gayness of the British.
[they GLARE at each other for FAR TOO LONG]
Film Executive Man: But what happens then? This boyfriend sounds like a jerk.
British Screenwriter: He is! So no one feels bad when he gets kicked to the curb.
American Screenwriter: That's the beauty part.
Film Executive Man: Oh good! So she's free to pursue Hugh!
American Screenwriter: She is, but...
Film Executive Man: Oh no! What now!
British Screenwriter: Nude photos! Everyone knows how actresses always have a nude photo scandal! It'll be ripped from the headlines.
Film Executive Man: And then Hugh Grant doesn't want her, because she's a whore, right? A dirty, dirty whore?
American Screenwriter: No - and this is really the beauty part - he doesn't care.
Film Executive: What?! But the whole world has seen her cans! Her sweet, sweet cans!
British Screenwriter: That's how you know he's a good guy.
[they all SIGH]
Film Executive: This is all sounding great, guys, but contractually, you need to provide us with at least one more car chase scene this year. Can you fit that in somehow?
American Screenwriter: No problem. We'll just create a last-minute conflict, where maybe...okay, MAYbe, HE rejects HER!
Film Executive: But she's a movie star! Who would reject the chance to bang that?!
British Screenwriter: Well, first of all, he's British, so he doesn't "bang" anything. Except maybe bangers and mash! What-ho!
[everyone GLARES at him]
British Screenwriter: Sorry, sorry. He's too intimidated by her fame and beauty! So he freaks out!
American Screenwriter: Right. And just as she is literally about to leave for America, he races to the hotel and declares his love for her in a press conference. Because that is a real thing that actually happens.
Film Executive Man: And then they kiss, maybe she gets knocked up, I love it, I love all of it.
Film Executive Woman: Why do I even come to these meetings?

Guest Post: Made of Honor: The Pitch Meeting

If you're a regular reader of this site, you probably have, in equal measure, an appreciation for and healthy skepticism about big, obviously- commercial HOLLYWOOD MOVIES. You know the type: tested with audiences six, seven, eight times before release, featuring someone pretty that people like but isn't very good at "acting," with lots of charming, but vacuous dialogue. Most of the flicks labeled "girly movies" fall into this category.

The thing is, these movies exist because no matter how tragically terrible they are, they will always, always make money. And like it or not, making money is the purpose of studio movies. (Movies made to make art are usually better, cheaper, and sadly, seen by fewer people.) Here, Laura McClain imagines what may have transpired in Conference Room B of the Columbia Pictures' executive offices.

Note: apparently I got the Canadian poster?

Personal to Michelle Monaghan: Girl, I hope you bought a big-ass house with your Made of Honor money, because you are better than this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is a MOVIE STUDIO]
Important Film Executive: We need a breezy holiday rom-com, and we need it now! What do you have for me, over-educated writers?
Harvard-educated Screenwriter: Well…we were brainstorming about the things a modern lady likes. And we’ve come to some definite conclusions.
[holds up PROMOTIONAL POSTER for Grey’s Anatomy, FEATURING Patrick Dempsey looking SENSITIVE in SCRUBS]
Woman Executive: Squeeeeeeee!
Harvard-educated Screenwriter: Natch. And this might seem a little unconventional…but we have realized that women really, really love weddings.
Important Film Executive: Whaaaa? Have you market-researched this crazy idea?
Yale-educated Screenwriter: Trust us. Here’s the pitch. Patrick Dempsey plays this lady-loving cad.
Harvard: He has this crazy set of rules that his one-night stands have to abide by!
Yale: Like he won’t return their calls on the same day!
Film Executive: Wow! I bet a lot of ladies can relate to that!
Yale: Right. So Dempsey is a cad, and he also has millions of dollars. Maybe he invented something.
Film Executive: Hmm. Something modern, something everyone uses…
Yale: The Roomba?
Harvard: I don’t know if they’ll pay for product placement. How about…coffee sleeves?
Film Executive: Brilliant!
Yale: So, Dempsey lives in some big city, and drives a Jaguar that he can always conveniently park right in front of wherever he’s going.
Film Executive: Hmmm…location. You know, that movie about those old broads getting laid made a lot of Benjamins. And it’s been a while since I’ve seen a lady looking for love in New York City.
Yale: Perfect!
[they HIGH-FIVE]
Yale: Okay, so Dempsey lives in Manhattan, with his Jaguar and his ladies and his coffee-sleeve invention millions. His life seems perfect, right?
Film Executive: I’ll say! He’s got it all!
Harvard: But here’s the thing - he DOESN’T.
Film Executive: Whaaaaa?
Yale: I know! See, Dempsey has this friend.
Harvard: This LADY friend.
Film Executive: Uh-oh!
Yale: She’s this friend that he has NEVER HAD SEX WITH.
Film Executive: Is she a dog? She must be a dog, right?
Harvard: Nope! She’s beautiful and “smart” and has a great job.
Yale: We’re thinking something ladylike…maybe magazine publishing? Or art? Something that the gals in the audience can really relate to.
Harvard: So, this lady friend of Dempsey’s has always been there for him. But he doesn’t even see it! They have special traditions like sharing cake and antiquing.
Yale: So, she goes to another country for some reason. It doesn’t matter why.
Harvard: Somewhere with rolling hillsides and castles.
Yale: And princesses!
Film Executive: Ladies love princesses!
Yale: Scotland! She goes to Scotland! It’s different from America, but everyone still speaks English and is white.
Harvard: So as to not threaten the ladies.
Yale: So she goes to Scotland and Dempsey calls her a lot. But he has such a hard time reaching her.
Harvard: The time difference!
Yale: And he goes on a lot of dates with girls who don’t like antiques. And they won’t share their cake with him! They don’t understand him at all!
Harvard: So he realizes that he really loves his best friend.
Film Executive: Wow - after he never appreciated her before. So she comes back, and they have a wedding?
Yale: NO. She comes back…engaged to ANOTHER MAN!
Harvard: A Scottish man!
Yale: A prince!
Harvard: With a giant wang!
Film Executive: NO!
Yale: So Dempsey is crushed, right, especially because the wedding is in a few days. She’s not knocked up or anything, we just want to accelerate the drama.
Harvard: And she asks him to be her maid of honor. Cause of the best friend-ness.
Film Executive: But…he’s a man!
Yale: That’s the twist! A man caring about a wedding?
Film Executive: Ha ha! Preposterous!
Yale: So his friends tell him he has to sabotage the wedding. FROM THE INSIDE. They quiz him on how to the perfect maid of honor. Cause your bros do that for you.
Harvard: And the other bridesmaids are such wacky characters! One is fat, one is a girl Dempsey slept with, and one is just kind of ugly.
Yale: There’s always that ugly friend!
[they LAUGH]
Yale: So Dempsey acts sensitive. He is also frequently shirtless for no real reason.
Harvard: And then they go to Scotland. But we can probably film in Prague.
Yale: All the Scottish people think Dempsey must be gay. Because of the sensitivity!
Film Executive: Ha! Hilarious! He’s the furthest thing from gay!
Harvard: And we’ll put Dempsey in a short kilt…
Yale: And we’ll shoot him from below so the ladies can see his balls a little.
Harvard: Ladies love balls!
Yale: So then the best friend realizes she loves Dempsey. So she goes to his room in the castle to tell him -
Harvard: And finds her slutty bridesmaid trying to have sex with him!
Film Executive: Oh no! She’ll get the wrong idea!
Yale: She sure does. So she runs away to the castle to the wedding.
Harvard: Dempsey is crushed. He cannot go to the wedding. His hair has lots of product in it.
Film Executive: We need some comedy so the ladies don’t get too worried. Maybe the fat bridesmaid should rip her dress. From the fatness.
Yale: What lady can’t relate to that?!
Harvard: So Dempsey decides he must see her. But the ferry is gone! How will he get there?
Film Executive: Car? Motorcycle? Fox Searchlight private helicopter?
Harvard & Yale: HORSE.
Film Executive: LADIES LOVE HORSES.
[he COMES a little]
Yale: So, he rides his horse to the castle...
Woman Executive: Squeeeeeeeeee!
Harvard: And he tells her that he loves her! And she loves him too! And they kiss, but not with too much tongue. We don’t want to lose the Bible Belt.
Yale: And nobody’s feelings are hurt. We’ll throw in some stuff about how the Scotsman was a jerk. He’s not even American!
Harvard: Boooo!
Yale: And then they get married. And her hair looks much better in their ceremony, because Dempsey is her true love.
Film Executive: Sold! Bust out the Cristal.
[they THROW piles of MONEY in the AIR and LAUGH]