Connie and Carla

[it is CHICAGO]

Connie and Carla: Thank you, thank you, O'Hare Airport, for enjoying our medley of showtunes!

[the AUDIENCE stares BLANKLY at them]

Nia Vardalos: Ohhhh...kay.

Toni Collette: That's okay, we're living our dream! Kind of. And our boyfriends are nice. Sort of.

[they WITNESS a MURDER in a PARKING GARAGE]

Nia Vardalos: We gotta get outta town! We gotta go somewhere with no culture at all, so they'll never think to look for us there!

[clearly, they go to LOS ANGELES]

Toni Collette: Wow, look at all these cute guys! They're so tan and fit and fashionable! And somehow, though we are obsessed with musical theater, I'm not aware that they are gay, gay, gay!

[they find a FURNISHED apartment, like, IMMEDIATELY]

David Duchovny: Oh. Hello. We ran into each other.

Literally.

Nia Vardalos: Oh. Hello. How adorable. Perhaps I will run into you again at some point.

Toni Collette: We need jobs!! What are we going to do!!?!?

Nia Vardalos: Your voice is giving me [insert humorous disease here].

[they find out about DRAG QUEEN auditions and decide to TRY since they have LOTS of WIGS and are TALL]

Gays: Oh, please! Liza? AGAIN? GIRRRRRRL.

[they SING and are APPLAUDED HEARTILY and BELIEVED to be MEN]

Nia Vardalos: Let's do a medley! It will include many classic musicals.

Neighbor Gays: Can we join your troupe? We have a variety of skills so that our act will be fantastic.

[they DO, and it IS]

Peaches: I have family troubles.

David Duchovny: That would be me, his brother.

[some SHENANIGANS occur involving the brother and a MANICURE and Nia Vardalos KISSING the brother and the brother's FIANCEE being a TOTAL BITCH]

Toni Collette: Everything is ruined!! I'm calling my boyfriend in Chicago!

[meanwhile, in EVERY DINNER THEATER EVER]

Russian Mobster: Mame is wonderful show!

[he SINGS along and it is HILARIOUS]

Main Bad Guy: Go find your girlfriends, boys.

[the BOYFRIENDS go to LOS ANGELES and see Connie and Carla on LOCAL TV and they are BUSTED]

Nia Vardalos: But we can't leave now! The big opening of the dinner theater is tomorrow! We can't miss it!

Debbie Reynolds: Plus, I'm here for some reason!

[the MOBSTERS show up to the OPENING and try to KILL them but FAIL and everyone is like WTF]

Toni Collette: Okay, you got us - we're women.

[they show their BREASTS as PROOF]

Audience: You lied to us!

One Lady: But you made me feel beautiful!

Audience: Okay, we forgive you!

David Duchovny: I decided to come to your show. And I really like your friend, even though he is a man in drag.

Nia Vardalos: No, I'm not! You're not gay! Let's make out!

Toni Collette: Wait, don't I get a man?

Her Boyfriend from Chicago: I'm not a jerk! Let's make out!

Debbie Reynolds: Bokaaaaayyyyy!!!

Tootsie

[it is NEW YORK in the EIGHTIES]

Every Casting Director Ever: Dustin Hoffmann, you are too old/young/short/tall/etc. for this production. We will not hire you. Also, you are kind of a diva.

Dustin Hoffman: BUT I'M AMAZING!!!

Sydney Pollack: No, for real...people do not want to hire you.

Dustin Hoffman: Well, clearly the only solution is to dress in drag and get the part that my friend auditioned for and didn't get. But I can't tell her that that's what I did, because she would be sad. Instead, I'll sleep with her, and complicate things EVEN MORE.

[he DOES]

Geena Davis: I'm naked and hot! And your dressing-roommate!

Jessica Lange: It's so nice to have a strong woman around. Let's be BFFs.

Dustin Hoffman: I love her, but she's my friend, and she thinks I'm a woman, and her dad is in love with me.

Bill Murray: I think we're getting into a weird area here.*

Teri Garr: AAAAAAA I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE IGNORING ME PAY ATTENTION TO ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Dabney Coleman: We're going to have to do today's show live instead of on tape!

Dustin Hoffman: It's my chance! I'll reveal my man self on television!

[he DOES, and everyone FUCKING FREAKS]

Jessica Lange: I hate you, but really I love you.

[they walk HAPPILY off to the STRAINS of THAT ONE SONG that they wrote for the MOVIE that sounds like it MIGHT be Dan FOGELBERG but ISN'T]

Kinky Boots

[it is NORTHERN ENGLAND]
Papa Price: Son, this is my shoe factory. I love it so much!! I assume you will follow in my footsteps. I am placing all my hopes and dreams for the future of this company on you.
Charlie Price: Uh...no thanks.
[he moves to LONDON with his MEAN GIRLFRIEND, but his dad DIES the DAY he moves there]
Charlie Price: Bugger.
[he RETURNS to the FACTORY and finds out it is TOTALLY FAILING]
Charlie Price: Sorry, guys...I have to lay off some people. I don't know what else to do.
Cute Pixie-Haired Worker Girl: Figure out a niche market!!
[he goes to LONDON to try to SELL SHOES but CANNOT]
Charlie Price: A woman in trouble! I shall prove my manliness by saving her.
[the DAMSEL turns out to be a TRANNY]
Black Guy From Love Actually Tranny: I don't need your help, for I am actually a very muscular man, in drag. Damn! My heel has broken again! Why can't I find a well-made pair of kinky boots??
Charlie Price: IDEA!!! I'll make you some boots that can hold a man's weight! I have a shoe factory!
[he and the PIXIE-HAIR GIRL make some SERIOUSLY UGLY BOOTS]
Tranny: Burgundy. Please God, tell me I have not inspired something BURGUNDY.*
[she REDESIGNS the BOOTS so they are WALKING TUBES OF SEX]
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: Hey there love, fancy a ---WHAAAA? You're a bloke!!
[there is a lot of MANLINESS talk and an ARM-WRESTLING CONTEST that the TRANNY should have WON, but DIDN'T]
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: Now I respect you, because you let me win.
[the FACTORY WORKERS get TIRED of the PERFECTIONISM of the BOSS and QUIT]
Charlie Price: You can't quit!! We have Milan!! I need you!!!
Bitchy Girlfriend: Just sell the damn factory! I hate this town! Here are some more things I will say to make everyone happy when I dump you so you can end up with the cute pixie-hair girl!
Charlie Price: No! I love my workers! They are awesome! And you're a bitch!
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: I have also changed my mind about the boss after overhearing him. Let's work EVEN HARDER.
[they DO, and finish all the BOOTS, which have a POCKET for a WHIP in them]
Charlie Price: Thanks for designing all the boots for me, Lola. But why do you wear a dress? Now, all of a sudden, I have decided to judge your lifestyle.
[she BOUNCES and he is left WITHOUT A MODEL for the Milan show]
Cute Pixie-Hair Girl: I think there's really only one option here. You have to be very secure in your manhood, and on your feet, but I think you can do it.
[he goes on the RUNWAY with NO PANTS in the THIGH-HIGH BOOTS and TOTALLY FALLS]
Tranny: It's okay. I'm here now. With my fucking awesome tranny backup singers.
[they perform a MEDLEY of SHOE-RELATED HITS]
Everyone: I have learned something about society...and myself.

Psycho

[it is PHOENIX in the 1960s]
Janet Leigh: I'm so conflicted. I love my man, but we have such a sordid affair, and he has to pay his bitch ex-wife alimony, and he lives in a tiny room, and we have to have sex in tawdry hotels. Why can't something come along that could solve all of our problems??
Her Boss: Please take this $40,000 in cash from this blustery businessman to the bank.
Janet Leigh: That's IT! Hooray for MacGuffins!
[she goes home and PACKS and does NOT take the money to the BANK]
Janet Leigh: Thus have I chosen the wrong path.
[some MUSIC plays to ILLUMINATE the WRONGNESS]
Janet Leigh: Oh my. This music is certainly ominous. And tiring!
[she FALLS ASLEEP on the SIDE of the ROAD]
Police Officer: You're going to need to leave.
Janet Leigh: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! DON'T SUSPECT ME!!!
Police Officer: Uh...okay.
Janet Leigh: I gotta ditch this car, man.
[she TRADES it in for a NEW CAR in a HASTY manner]
Janet Leigh: Shit! I thought the ominous music might stop with a new car, but no.
[she IMAGINES what everyone is SAYING and her GUILT is APPARENT]
Janet Leigh: I'll just stop at this terrifying-looking motel here.
Anthony Perkins: Hi. Welcome. You're pretty. No one else is staying here. Don't be scared. Want some food?
Janet Leigh: Sure, socially awkward man.
[she HEARS him ARGUING with his MOTHER about how he has a CHEAP EROTIC MIND]
Anthony Perkins: We may have to eat in the parlor, which is full of taxidermied birds. I hope that's cool.
Janet Leigh: Suuuuure...so, what's up with your mom?
Anthony Perkins: DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOM! SHE'S NOT CRAZY!!! She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes.*
Janet Leigh: You have reminded me that I have made a rash decision by stealing that cash. I better go remedy it.
[she goes to her ROOM to PACK and feel GUILTY some more]
Janet Leigh: You know what would be good? A nice shower.
[Mother STORMS in and KILLS her and it's TERRIFYING even though you NEVER see the KNIFE go in and the BLOOD is CHOCOLATE SYRUP]
Anthony Perkins: Mother! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[he CLEANS UP after Mother and PUSHES the CAR into a SWAMP]
Anthony Perkins: Surely, no one will find her here. She wasn't even using her real name!
[meanwhile, in PHOENIX]
Everyone: Where's Janet Leigh?
Blustery Businessman: Where's my money?
Detective: I'll find her. It'll be easy, I'll just stop at a bunch of dilapidated motels until I find the right one.
[he DOES]
Detective: So, have you seen this girl?
Anthony Perkins: [gives the SKETCHIEST ANSWER in the history of DETECTIVE WORK]
Detective: If it doesn't gel, it isn't aspic, and this ain't gelling.*
[he goes to INTERROGATE Mother, but is KILLED before he can DO SO and it is WAY STARTLING]
Janet Leigh's Sister: Maybe we should go see if that detective has found anything else.
[they go to the MOTEL and it looks DESERTED but REALLY it is NOT]
Janet Leigh's Boyfriend: Well, nothing going on here...except creepiness. Why won't that old lady respond to our hollers? Let's talk to the sheriff.
Sheriff Pajamas: You went to the Bates place? And saw an old woman? That's impossible - Mrs. Bates killed her lover and herself ten years ago.
Sister and Boyfriend: Whaaaaaa?
[meanwhile, back at the BATES MOTEL]
Anthony Perkins: Mother, you have to go in the fruit cellar a while.
Mother: You think I'm fruity?!?*
Boyfriend: We better search this motel. Something funny's going on here.
[they DO, and find PAPER with the number 40,000 on it, which PROVES that something HAPPENED, apparently]
Sister: I'll search the house while you keep the creepy antisocial guy occupied.
[she DOES, and finds a bunch of WEIRD-ASS SHIT, including the DESSICATED BODY of Mother]
Anthony Perkins [in a WIG and DRESS]: Now I will KILL YOU!!
[the BOYFRIEND stops him as the MUMMY looks CREEPY]
Psychiatrist: He has a multiple personality disorder, or something. And an Oedipus complex. And he's basically just crazy.
Anthony Perkins: I'm not even gonna swat that fly. I hope they are watching. They'll see. They'll see and they'll know and they'll say, 'Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly.'*

A League of Their Own

Other sports and disciplines in which there is NO CRYING, according to a Google search: hockey, basketball, football, taekwondo, ninja, snowboarding, bocce, croquet, advertising, retail, business, law school, journalism, local politics, rock 'n' roll, the CIA, bass fishing, counterterrorism, Canadian Idol, cooking, science, court (specifically directed at Larry Seidlin), rook-piercing, and Senate confirmation hearings.

No one cries anymore, I guess. Thanks, Tom Hanks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is NOW-ish]
Old Geena Davis: La, la, la…remember when I played baseball? Those were more innocent times…
[flashbackflashbackflashback]
America: We can’t live without baseball!!! Give us baseball!!
Candy Magnate: Hey!! Let’s make a girls’ baseball league! Go find me some girl baseball players! And make sure they’re hot!
Jon Lovitz: I like how ya throw, honey. Want to play on a team?
Geena Davis: No, I’m cool. I’m kind of really into the domesticity thing.
Lori Petty: OMGOMGOMG!!! I want to play baseball sooooooo bad!!
Jon Lovitz: You kind of suck and are not as hot as your sister…but if you get your hot sister to come along, you’re in!
[they go CHECK OUT another player who is UGLY, but GOOD, and show their NICENESS by convincing the SCOUT to bring her to the TRYOUTS despite her UGLINESS]
Madonna: Hey, I’m slutty…and I love baseball!
Rosie O’Donnell: Hey, I’m hilarious…and I love baseball!
That Pretty Southern One: Hey, I’m pretty…and I love baseball!
The One with a Kid: Hey, I have a kid…and I love baseball!
Tom Hanks: MotherFUCK. No one is ever going to watch chicks play baseball, no matter how much any of them love it.
Geena Davis: Oh YEAH? Watch this!!
[she makes the MOST AWESOMEST PLAY EVER and gets on the cover of TIME]
Tom Hanks: Okay, fine, you’re awesome. I have a hangover. Just go play.
[the one with a kid makes a BAD PLAY]
Tom Hanks: What the fuck?!?!
The One with a Kid: [cries]
Tom Hanks: There’s no crying in baseball!!*
[they go on TOUR and have many MISADVENTURES and BOND as WOMEN and all SING a SONG about being WOMEN who like BASEBALL and being from PLACES and someone’s HUSBAND dies]
Rosie O’Donnell: Let’s get wasted!!
Madonna: Still a slut! Yeah!
[the UGLY ONE sings DRUNKENLY with a BAND and gets a MAN, and SHOWS EVERYONE]
Geena Davis: I’m not really into this anymore. I’m going to quit.
All the Men: Noooooooooo!!!
Candy Magnate: It’s because she doesn’t like her sister! Trade her to Racine! It will be the perfect opportunity for these sibling rivals to settle their differences on the baseball field!
[the BIG GAME happens and OBVIOUSLY the sisters are PITTED against each other]
Geena Davis: I know exactly how to strike you out!
Lori Petty: Oh YEAH? Just TRY it.
[she DESTROYS the ball and RUNS to home plate and KNOCKS her sister OVER and WINS the game]
Lori Petty: Ha ha ha!! Wait, maybe we shouldn’t fight anymore.
Geena Davis: Okay. I’m going home now.
[back to NOW]
Actual Players in the Baseball League: Remember us? We’re awesome. Now you will all know of our existence, and that we were cool.

She's the Man

Confession: I actually seriously really liked this movie. I didn't want to, but that Amanda Bynes is cute as a button, with wonderful comic timing, and I do enjoy Twelfth Night a lot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is SUBURBIA]
Amanda Bynes: I’m sassy and funny and cute and I play sports! Look at me go!
Lame Boyfriend: I will make out with you, but I do not respect your love of soccer.
Amanda Bynes: What?!?!? I’ll show you!!! But how???
Amanda Bynes’ Twin Brother: I know I’m supposed to start boarding school or something, but I’m going to England for two weeks. Cover for me?
Amanda Bynes: Cover for you? I’ll do you one better!! I’ll BE you!!
[a MAKEOVER MONTAGE occurs in which many a MUSTACHE is tried on]
Amanda Bynes: [in a CRAZY MAN VOICE] Hey, bro…you must be mah new roommate.
Hot Roommate: Uh…yes.
[they play SOCCER but Amanda Bynes only makes second string and is MOCKED by all the COOL KIDS]
Amanda Bynes: Hey, hot friends…please come and help me convince the dudes at my new school that I am a ladies’ man.
[they DO, and secure HIS/HER rep as a COOL KID]
Mom of Amanda Bynes and her Brother: Don’t forget that you and your brother BOTH need to be at the festival this weekend!!
[obviously, SHENANIGANS ensue in which the Hot Roommate KISSES Amanda Bynes when she is dressed as a GIRL]
Amanda Bynes: Dang! I’ll still never be able to play in the game against my Lame Ex-Boyfriend if I’m second string!!
Hot Roommate: I totally want to go out with that Olivia. But I’m so nervous, though I am extremely attractive. Help me out! I'll help you make first string!
Amanda Bynes: [aside] But I like my roommate…but he thinks I’m a dude…oh, WHAT TO DO!!?!?!
Olivia: I’ll go out with you, Hot Roommate…but only to make that new guy jealous. He’s dreamy!!
Amanda Bynes: CRAP!
[they go on a DOUBLE DATE with this NERDY girl, Eunice, as Amanda Bynes’ date]
Cool Kid #1: Yo, Eunice is lookin’ fly tonight.*
Cool Kid #2: How come when I said I liked Eunice, you all made fun of me?*
Cool Kid #1: Cause you ain’t that dude.*
Cool Kid #2: I hate high school!!*
Amanda Bynes’ Twin Brother: I’m so glad to be back from England. I hope my sister covered for me.
Olivia: [KISSES him because she thinks he's HIS OWN SISTER dressed as a DUDE]
Amanda Bynes’ Twin Brother: Damn...this school is AWESOME!!
Hot Roommate: You betrayed me!!! You kissed my girl!!
Amanda Bynes: That wasn’t me!! Well, it was, but it wasn’t!! Let’s play soccer and get this straightened out.
[the BIG GAME happens and the BROTHER plays the first half and SUCKS ASS and everyone is all, whaaaaat? But then Amanda Bynes plays the second half and RULES and her Lame Ex-Boyfriend is like, DAAAAMN]
Amanda Bynes: I’m a girl!! [she flashes her BOOBS]
Hot Roommate: Now I will kiss you.
[everyone goes to a DEBUTANTE BALL for some reason and someone turns out to be GAY]