Mean Girls

[it is AMERICA]
Lindsay Lohan: So, like, I lived in Africa, and then I moved to America, and I had to go to school, and I was all weird and stuff, because I had lived in Africa. And Africa makes you weird.
Ana Gasteyer and the Janitor from Scrubs: Have a good first day of American school, sweetie! We hope we didn't fuck you up too much!
[she has LUNCH in the BATHROOM because they DID fuck her up too much]
Lindsay Lohan: I guess I'm just not going to be popular. Oh well. I'll just do some more math.
Tina Fey: It's me, Tina Fey, your teacher. I am awkward, but also adorable. I'll pretty much just be doing my Tina Fey Thing for this whole movie. Which I wrote. Because I'm AWESOME.
That Gay Dude: I love your hair. Let's be friends.
Janis Ian: You are very pretty, but cool. This does not fit my worldview.
Lindsay Lohan: Who is that girl being carried over there?
[she is LITERALLY atop a CROWD of dudes]
That Gay Dude: That's the MOST POPULAR GIRL IN SCHOOL. And also her friends. They're called the Plastics. We hate them. But we love them. It's complicated.
Janis Ian: Don't ever befriend them, or that will be a betrayal of us, your new BFFs who you just met today.
Rachel McAdams: Hey! New girl! You're too pretty to be friends with those losers! Sit with us!
Party of Five Girl: I'm too tan, and rich.
Big Love Girl: I have big boobs and am stupid.
Rachel McAdams: Stop talking, minions! That is all you need to know about them. Now, are you going to sit with us? We have a verrrrrry exclusive club around here.
Lindsay Lohan: You seem nice to me, because I don't understand people or social interaction, because we don't have that in Africa. Okay, let's be friends.
[she HANGS with them and sees that they are MEAN GIRLS when they show her their BURN BOOK]
Amy Poehler: Hey girls, I'm hilarious! Just here to be hilarious for a second! Okay, byeeee!! I have fake breasts.
[Lindsay Lohan gets a CRUSH on a DUDE who turns out to be Rachel McAdams' EX]
Rachel McAdams: Oh, you like him, do you? Huh? Do you? Suuuuuure, I'll help you out with him.
[she KISSES him while dressed as a SLUT because Halloween is the SLUT HOLIDAY]
Lindsay Lohan: Why did she kiss him? She said she would help me!! I didn't understand that Halloween is the Slut Holiday! I look TERRIFYING! I've lost him! I hate her!!
Janis Ian: Now we can use you to get revenge on the Plastics for an Unspoken Bad Thing they did to me a long time ago!! Yes!!
[they PLOT using a BLACKBOARD to feed her FATTENING SNACKS]
Lindsay Lohan: I'm bad at math. Help me, cute boy.
Boy Toy: Uh...okay.
[they KISS]
Rachel McAdams: God, I'm getting all fat! These bars aren't working!
The Other Plastics: You are kicked out and no longer popular because you wore sweatpants. Such are the ways of The Plastics.
Lindsay Lohan: Now I am the most popular!! Muhahaha!
[she has a PARTY and does not invite her REAL FRIENDS and REPULSES the Boy Toy and is DRUNK]
Boy Toy: I can't believe how much like my psycho ex you are! I hate you!
Janis Ian: I can't believe I drew you this amazing poster of the three of us just for you!! I hate you!
Rachel McAdams: I can't believe you gave me fat bars! I hate you! REVENGE!!!!
[she distributes the BURN BOOK to EVERYONE in school and there is a LITERAL MASSACRE]
Tim Meadows: What the FUCK?!? EVERYONE GET IN THE GYM!!
Tina Fey: Hi there, Tina Fey here again. So...why are you girls such competitive, catty little bitches? Let's cancel school for you for like a whole day so you can learn to love each other.
[they do TRUST EXERCISES and the Party of Five Girl FALLS on the other one and it is HILARIOUS]
Janis Ian: I guess I was just friends with you because I had a BIG LESSSSSSBIAN CRUSH on you!* The unspoken bad thing is now bespoke. I am free! FREE!!
Lindsay Lohan: Why do you all still hate me? Oh, wait...because I was a huge bitch.
[Rachel McAdams gets HIT by a BUS]
The Whole School: We hate you, Lindsay Lohan!
[she eats LUNCH in the BATHROOM again]
Lindsay Lohan: Well...I guess I'll confess to something I didn't do, because I was sort of responsible for the consequences, or something.
[she gets PUNISHED by having to go to a MATH TOURNAMENT]
Lindsay Lohan: Wait...I really AM good at math. And people like me for it! Everything is solved!
Tina Fey: It's okay that you got me arrested for dealing drugs, too.
[she goes to the BIG DANCE and is CROWNED the queen because people VOTED before they all HATED her]
Lindsay Lohan: You're all queens!! Literally and metaphorically share my crown with me!
[she BREAKS it into pieces and EVEN gives a piece to a FAT GIRL]
Lindsay Lohan: And that's how our school got rid of cliques. By a Machiavellian scheme gone wrong that ended with someone getting hit by a bus. It's just that easy.


michael donnelly said...

That sounds really . . . confusing.

BeckEye said...

I love "Mean Girls." And yes, Amy Poehler is hilarious. Always.