Guest Post: Dangerous Liaisons

I did the teen sensation version of this a while back, but Laura McClain has brought us the original. Also, don't forget about the other version of this story, which apparently takes place in a topsy-turvy world where Colin Firth and John Malkovich can somehow play the same role.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is FRANCE, in RESTORATION TIMES, where NOBODY has an ACCENT]
Glenn Close: Come, servants. Powder and bustle me.
[she is CORSETED and PLUMED]
John Malkovich: Yeah, me too. Fop me up.
[they GAZE at each other with SEXUAL MISCHIEF in their EYES]
Glenn Close: Ah, Valmont. Playing endless games of whist and posing on chaise lounges can be ever so dull. What say we ruin some lives today?
John Malkovich: You read my mind, my wicked friend slash former lover.
Glenn Close: Another one of former lovers is going to marry a stupid teenage virgin. Pop that cherry, would you? He shall be ever so pissed.
John Malkovich: I refuse, not because I am gay, as you might assume from the way I walk, talk and behave, but because that conquest is too easy for a man of my sexiness.
Audience: Ew.
[Uma Thurman PAYS a VISIT with her mom, SWOOZIE KURTZ]
John Malkovich: That’s her? Sold. But I’m also planning to hit this soldier’s wife who prides herself on her faithfulness. Seducing her shall be my masterpiece.
Glenn Close: Care to make it interesting? If you succeed, you can have sex with me, too, as a reward.
[she DOES not SAY “you can put it anywhere” but it is STRONGLY IMPLIED]
John Malkovich: Hurrah. Let the games begin.
[it is WEIRD, for though they are GOOD ACTORS, you don’t REALLY want to see them have SEXYTIMES]
Glenn Close: Ah, the opera. The perfect place to see and be seen. Hello, Uma Thurman. Let’s be best friends, shall we? I have no ulterior motives.
Uma Thurman: Hooray! Friends!
[Keanu Reeves ENTERS and it is REMINISCENT of when Bill and Ted TRAVELED to medieval times and PRETENDED to be KNIGHTS]
Keanu Reeves: Whoa.
Glenn Close: Perhaps this young music teacher could instruct your daughter, Swoozie? I’m taking a normal amount of interest in your family. Nothing suspicious here!
[Keanu and Uma GAZE at each OTHER in an OBVIOUS MANNER]
[MEANWHILE, in the COUNTY…]
John Malkovich: Hello, virtuous woman. How very droll that we are staying at the same country house. Ha ha!
Michelle Pfeiffer: Dude, I already know all about your reputation. Also, you look like a serial killer.
John Malkovich: Blast! This shall prove a difficult game to play. While I plan my next strategic move, I’ll bone the virgin, who has conveniently come to visit.
Glenn Close: Use her love for Keanu to seduce her.
[Malkovich CONVINCES poor, DUMB Uma to GIVE him the KEY to her ROOM and then BASICALLY RAPES her]
Uma Thurman: It’s okay that you forced me to have sex with you, because you’re super good at it! And now I am too!
[she WRITHES AROUND]
John Malkovich: Hello, Michelle Pfeiffer. Ah, I see you’re doing charity work! I also love charity work. And praying. Praying is the best.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I am falling for this, for some reason.
John Malkovich: So, now that I’ve convinced you that I am a kind man, I must tell you that I LOVE YOU AND I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU AND I LOVE YOU.
Michelle Pfeiffer: Gah! No! You must not! I am struggling with so many feelings! Go away! Come back! No, go! No, have sex with me!
John Malkovich: I have her right where I want her. But wait! What is this….feeling? It’s not angry, or even hungry.** I must flee!
Glenn Close: You love her. Ohhhhhh, this shall not stand.
[they have an ACTING FIGHT about PASSION and it is SEMI-HOT but MOSTLY GROSS]
Glenn Close: I shall take a lover to spite him.
Keanu Reeves: WHOA.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I submit. Let’s have sex whilst I weep copiously, basically making this Rape #2.
[they DO it and it is NOT ROMANTIC]
Glenn Close: I can’t believe you love this woman. You’ve gone soft, Valmont! Your reputation will be destroyed!
John Malkovich: Nooo! Without my reputation and my wigs I am nothing!
[he GIVES Michelle Pfeiffer the BRUSH-OFF, though he LOVES her]
Michelle Pfeiffer: [GOES BALLISTIC]
Michelle Pfeiffer: I am dying of grief. Literally.
[doctors put HOT CUPS on her BACK to CURE her of her MALKOVICH LOVE]
Keanu Reeves: Malkovich! I heard that you balled Uma! This shall not stand!
[they have a REALLY LONG swordfight, and Keanu STABS him GOOD]
John Malkovich: Come closer, Keanu. While I slowly bleed to death, I shall give you this speech about love. Tell Michelle Pfeiffer that my time with her was the only happy time I ever had. But more importantly, call out Glenn Close to society for being a mega-bitch.
Keanu Reeves: Okay.
[he DIES, his head LOLLING to the SIDE in a REALISTIC MANNER]
Glenn Close: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I will break everything in my house! I guess I loved him after all!
[at the OPERA, where SOCIETY GATHERS]
All of Society, Upon Seeing Glenn Close: Boooooo! BOOOOOOOOO!*
[Glenn Close GOES home and TAKES her MAKEUP off and it is COOL]

**copyright GOB Bluth

The Duchess

[it is ENGLAND, in OLDEN TIMES]

Keira Knightley: Ha ha ha ha ha! Being an aristocrat is so very droll! Ladies, let us make a wager on these gentlemen as they race around our large estate for our amusement. I shall make a wager on that fine specimen there. My life is so free and easy! Ha ha!

The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: I shall win for you, my lady.

[meanwhile, in the SUMPTUOUS HOUSE]

Ralph Fiennes: I'd like to marry your daughter, please. And she needs to give me a son. Stat. I'll even pay her once she has delivered me one.

Charlotte Rampling: How lovely. My daughter. A whore. But a legitimate whore!

[Keira Knightley's FACE is shown in CLOSE-UP for like A YEAR]

Ralph Fiennes: Now, to the business of making me a son.

[he DISROBES her by CUTTING her DRESS and they BONE, in an EXTREMELY AWKWARD fashion]

Keira Knightley: My. Being a duchess is difficult, as I am a high-spirited and intelligent lady. Here, let me prove it.

[she SASSES some POLITICIANS at a DINNER and GAMBLES a lot and wears FABULOUS clothes]

Society: Oh, we love her! And her fashions.

Ralph Fiennes: We're going to take in this child. I have spoken my decree.

Keira Knightley: Is this your bastard child? Well, whatevs, I will love her anyway. Also, I will soon have a son for you!

[she has a BABY, but it is ONLY A GIRL]

Keira Knightley: I love you anyway, baby. I love you so much I will name you after me. But when I have your sister, I will call her Harryo, which is not really a real name.

[SIX YEARS LATER, they go to a PARTY in BATH, because that is LITERALLY all they did back then]

Keira Knightley: Oh. Hello there. I saw my rakish husband speaking with you just now. Was he asking you for a roll in the hay?

Lady Bess: Oh, no, he just asked me to dance.

Keira Knightley: Ha ha! I'm sure he wanted more than just a dance, especially with those bosoms. What say you and I be best friends?

[they are BFF, like, INSTANTLY]

Lady Bess: I have nowhere to live!

Keira Knightley: Live with us!

[they MAKE OUT a little bit]

Ralph Fiennes: Hmm. Since my wife apparently does not enjoy intercourse with me, I shall sleep with her slutty friend with the incredible rack.

[they get CAUGHT]

Keira Knightley: I shall shout at you, because the louder I shout, the better I act! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???

Lady Bess: Look, we weren't trying to hurt you. Why don't we all just live here together? Hmm?

[that is ACTUALLY what they DO]

The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: Oh. Hey. I'm back in the picture now, and I still love you.

[they BONE, but in a HOT way]

Ralph Fiennes: End this affair!

Keira Knightley: No!

Ralph Fiennes: This will be the mistake of your life!*

Keira Knightley: No, I made that mistake many years ago.* BURNNNNNN!!!

Ralph Fiennes: Fine, then I'll prevent you from seeing your kids.

Keira Knightley: Noooooooo!!

[she gets DRUNK and sets her WIG on FIRE]

Ralph Fiennes: Please put Her Grace's hair out.*

The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: GEORGIANA!!! GEORGIANA!! I'M IN THE HALL! COME OUT HERE!

Keira Knightley: Look, I'm pregnant with your child, but this is all super-scandalous. I'm going away to the country.

Lady Bess: I'm coming with you. If you'll have me. Since I basically stole your husband.

Keira Knightley: We're cool.

[she gives BIRTH but has to give the BABY to her BABY DADDY'S family to avoid a SCANDAL]

Society: Welcome back! We have missed your fashions.

Keira Knightley: And I have missed your adoration. And my wigs.

Title on screen: Everything turned out all right for everybody, considering how fucked-up the whole love triangle thing was. Lady Bess married the Duke after the Duchess died. And the boyfriend from Mamma Mia! became Prime Minister* eventually.

*of hottness

Pride and Prejudice (2005)

[it is OLD-TIMEY ENGLAND]
Keira Knightley: I have so many sisters! We're poor! Kind of! My mom is annoying! Let's go to a ball!
[they DO, and see a NEW GUY IN TOWN and his SURLY FRIEND]
Jane Bennett: Ooh, that new guy is cute, and his hair is taller and redder than Conan O'Brien's, but I am very shy. Fortunately, we can dance austerely and flirt in an extremely subtle manner.
Keira Knightley: Yeah, but his friend sure seems mad about something.
Mr. Darcy: Though I am a sexy amalgam of Alan Rickman, John Cusack, and Ewan McGregor, I am not Colin Firth. Minus 50 Brood Points!
[he BROODS in a SUBPAR way and INSULTS people]
Mrs. Bennett: We gotta get Jane married to the new guy in town! I have the perfect plan! We'll make her ride a horse in the rain and catch a really bad fever in a time period where people literally die of fever! Then she'll have to stay over! BEST PLAN EVER!
Keira Knightley: My mother is an idiot.
[she WALKS over there to RESCUE Jane and runs into Mr. Darcy again and they GLARE at each other in a SEXY MANNER]
Mr. Collins: Hi. I'm here to marry one of you. Any of you, really. I'm too short to get a wife any other way.
Keira Knightley: Ew.
[there is ANOTHER BALL because RICH PEOPLE love BALLS]
Lydia: OMG WICKHAM IS SO CUTE AND I LOVE SOLDIERS!!
Wickham: Your sister is really annoying. But you are hot. Also, Mr. Darcy was mean to me in the past, so if you hear him talking shit about me, that's why. Just FYI.
Keira Knightley: Now I hate that prideful, prejudicial creep even more!!
Miss Bingley: Those Bennetts are gross. Let's go away from here.
[they all BOUNCE and Jane's hopes are DASHED]
Charlotte Lucas: So...I'm old and ugly, apparently, even though I'm 27 and kind of cute in a quirky way, so I'm going to marry your gross cousin.
Keira Knightley: Ew!
[she goes to VISIT them and meets Lady Catherine and is SASSY to her and WALKS some more]
Mr. Darcy: I like how you sassed my aunt.
[they RUN to a GAZEBO in the RAIN to make the next scene MORE DRAMATIC]
Mr. Darcy: So...even though you're poor, and your family is totally embarrassing, will you marry me?
Keira Knightley: Uh...no. Ass.
[he writes her a LETTER because ALL COMMUNICATION was LETTER-BASED in olden times]
Mr. Darcy (in the letter): I didn't do any of the bad things you said I did. For reals. Also, Wickham is a jackass, even if he does have a long, lustrous ponytail.
Keira Knightley: [GAZES INTENSELY to show how she FEELS]
[she goes on a TRIP with her AUNT and UNCLE and they stop at Darcy's HUGE-ASS HOUSE]
Keira Knightley: Wow, he has a lot of marble statues...nude ones, at that. I shall gaze at the marble nudeness for a good long while.
Mr. Darcy: Oh. Hey. You're here. Uh...this is awkward.
Keira Knightley: Uh...yeah. Bye.
[she gets a LETTER from Jane that says that their SLUTTY SISTER has run off with Wickham and is RUINED]
Keira Knightley: This is literally the worst thing that can happen! Oh, how society shapes our lives!!
[she goes HOME and Lydia comes back MARRIED to Wickham]
Lydia: Ha ha! I'm married now! Suckaaaaas! Don't tell anyone, but Mr. Darcy basically paid Wickham to marry me.
Keira Knightley: So many feelings!! I shall gaze some more!! Emote! Emote!
Some Random: Mr. Bingley's back!
Jane: Whatevs. I'm sooooo over him.
[he PROPOSES]
Jane: I'm sooooo marrying him.
[Lady Catherine comes to the BENNETT HOUSE in the MIDDLE of the NIGHT, which is TOTALLY WEIRD]
Lady Catherine: Don't marry my nephew!
Keira Knightley: My character has been developed as a woman who will not obey the rules of society! Mostly! I reject your request!
[she TRIES to sleep but CAN'T, so she goes for a WALK and sees Mr. Darcy STROLLING through the MORNING MIST]
Mr. Darcy: So...all that stuff I said before? Still on the table.
Keira Knightley: Awesome.
Mr. Bennett: But...you hate him.
Keira Knightley: No, I love him.
Mr. Bennett: Oh. Well, okay. That explains everything.
[they sit on a BARGE or something with CANDLES and LOOK at each other]
Keira Knightley: You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy" when you are supremely, incandescently happy.
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES one part of her BODY]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES another part of her BODY]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES yet ANOTHER part of her BODY]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES yet ANOTHER part of her BODY]
Audience: Oh my god, seriously, stop.
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.

The Age of Innocence

So I was perusing some blog entries from 2003 while "working" today, and I found this little gem. It hearkens back to a time when these really were "ultra-condensed" and not just "condensed."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Narrator: Hey, audience, let me read to you directly from the novel, since the screenwriter was LAZY.

Daniel Day-Lewis: I am going to marry Winona Ryder, but I love her cousin, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Michelle Pfeiffer: I'm her cousin. I'm scandalous. Society shuns me.

Society: Shun! Shun! Shun!

Daniel Day-Lewis: I will marry Winona Ryder, but not before I kiss you, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Michelle Pfeiffer: Ok. But you better marry her.

[time goes forward]

Daniel Day-Lewis: I'm only 57.

Robert Sean Leonard: Mom's dead. Dad, let's go see your old flame.

Daniel Day-Lewis: That's okay, son, I'll wait on this bench.

THE END

Girl With a Pearl Earring

[it is HOLLAND back in the DAY]
Scarlett Johansson's Blind Dad: Here's a tile I painted once. Sorry you have to go work as a maid.
[she goes to her NEW HOUSE, which has a MILLION KIDS in it]
Jolly, Plump Cook: Here's all the shit you have to do. Go sleep in the basement.
[Scarlett Johansson TOILS at housework whilst wearing a CAP]
Scarlett Johansson: Hello, Madam.
Lady of the House: Do not speak to me! I am pregnant with my 87th child, but am only 29! My icy beauty defeats your voluptuousness!! Go get me some meat.
Mean Child: Yeah, get us some meat!
[she goes to the MEAT STALL and shows that she means BUSINESS by SMELLING the meat]
Cillian Murphy: Hello there, maid. Do you like my long, luxurious locks? They are for you. As is my meat. Heh, heh.
[the Lady of the House has the BABY and IMMEDIATELY becomes PREGGERS again]
Jolly, Plump Cook: We have to throw a party for the new baby and the new painting. But be wary of that patron...he likes to get maids pregnant.
[they have a PARTY and it is FUN for everyone who is NOT a SERVANT]
Colin Firth: Though I am first billed, I have said very little to this point. I enjoy the way the light plays across your face as you clean the windows, maid.
[she is SKETCHED OUT but he is HOT and also has LONG, LUXURIOUS LOCKS]
Scarlett Johansson: I have work to do...but I do so love to learn about painting! I am so torn.
The Lady of the House: I am suspicious of you, but I do not know why.
[they have ANOTHER PARTY in which the PATRON treats Scarlett Johansson in a DISRESPECTFUL manner]
Colin Firth: I will not have that sort of behavior. I shall paint her...alone.
[they are ALONE in his STUDIO and it is SCANDALOUS]
Colin Firth: Take off your cap.
Scarlett Johansson: I can't!! I will make a turban out of these scraps of cloth.
[as she does so, he SPIES on her and sees that she, too, has LONG, LUXURIOUS LOCKS...the HOTTEST HAIR in all of HOLLAND]
The Lady of the House: Bring me my pearl earrings!
Colin Firth: Look! They are the perfect accompaniment for my painting!
The Lady of the House: I am scandalized!
Colin Firth: Pierce your ears and wear the earrings. It MUST BE.*
Scarlett Johansson: You looked inside me.*
[the PAINTING must be REALLY GOOD, but she will NOT pierce her EARS]
Tom Wilkinson: I want to bone you, but I think you are boning the painter. Now I shall try to rape you. Tell no one or you're fired.
[the MEAN CHILD sees the ATTACK and stores it AWAY for FUTURE USE]
Colin Firth: Okay, we really need to finish the painting. My mother-in-law is on our side. You need to pierce your ears.
Scarlett Johansson: You do it. It will be more allegorical that way.
[he DOES and it is SENSUAL or something]
Scarlett Johansson: All this near-rape and ear-piercing has gotten me hot and bothered. I'm going to go find the butcher's son and let him do me in an alley.
Cillian Murphy: Marry me.
Scarlett Johansson: [LEAVES in silence]
[the MEAN CHILD sees the EARRINGS exchanged and somehow KNOWS that that means something SCANDALOUS is GOING ON]
The Lady of the House: Let me see the new painting!! I am ugly with rage now instead of beautiful with no feeling!
[she LOOKS at the PAINTING and throws a TANTRUM and tries to DESTROY it with a PALETTE KNIFE]
The Lady of the House: GET OUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!
Scarlett Johansson: [LOOKS at many things in a SAD MANNER]
Jolly, Plump Cook: Here, I brought you the earrings and the turban cloth. Laters.
Editor of Film: Look! The actual painting! LOOK AT IT! LOOOOOK! This movie was based on HISTORY!!!!

Ethan Frome

I read this book, and saw the movie, in high school and loved it. My teacher, Mrs. Hunter, who was the coolest ever, touted the knitting scene as "the hottest scene in a film, ever." She might be right...it's pretty hot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is OLD-TIMEY NEW ENGLAND]
Joan Allen: I’m an invalid! And your wife! Now you’re stuck with me!!!
Liam Neeson: Dammit…I hate my life. I just wish someone would come into my life to shake things up and make me feel alive again.
[a TRAIN arrives bearing a TOTALLY HOT maid who will care for his INVALID WIFE]
Patricia Arquette: Sup, small town New England.
Townspeople: Hubbub! Hubbub! This will surely disrupt our pastoral way of life.
[many GRANITE OUTCROPPINGS are shown to indicate the DEPTH of Liam Neeson’s SOUL]
Liam Neeson: What is this…feeling I feel? Something in my chest, my loins…I cannot control myself!!
Patricia Arquette: I am trying to knit. Please stop fondling my knitting in such a libidinous manner!
Joan Allen: Remember me?!? The INVALID?! Bring me my red pickle dish, the one that represents my marriage.
[Patricia Arquette brings her the RED PICKLE DISH and BREAKS it “accidentally” in a stunning act of SYMBOLISM]
Joan Allen: Nooooooo!!
Liam Neeson: I can no longer hide my feelings for you. Since this is a movie, we must now have sex, although that totally didn’t happen in the book.
[they DO IT]
Joan Allen: Nooooooo!!! My mysterious disease is getting worse!!
Liam Neeson: Okay, she’s, like, NEVER going to die, because she's totally a hypochondriac. What say we sled down a hill and kill ourselves?
Patricia Arquette: That sounds like it will end in disaster, but okay.
[they TRY, and FAIL, to commit EXTREMELY ROMANTIC SUICIDE]
Liam Neeson: Shit! We’re alive and horribly crippled!
Patricia Arquette: Noooooooo!!!
Joan Allen: Oh, how the tables have turned! Now I must care for you and make you regret all of the choices you made. Hahahahaha!
[they all live MISERABLY together, as New Englanders are WONT to do]

Guest Post: Being Julia

Acting is hard. But acting like an actor? That's the hardest of all. So much meta-performance. Laura McClain lets us in on a secret: diva-fits are the way to get what you want, always.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is LONDON in the TWENTIES]
Annette Bening: So tired! Being a grande dame is EXHAUSTING! I need a break from my adoring public and critical raves!
[she HAS the FIRST of many HUGE DIVA-FITS]
Jeremy Irons: Can you believe how light and humorous I am in this movie? So droll and surprisingly attractive!
[he INTRODUCES Julia to a YOUNG American]
Young American Chap: Gee, Miss Julia, you sure are swell! What other quaint American slang phrases can I use to illustrate how apple-pie, aw-sucks gosh-darn charming I am?
Annette Bening: You remind me of my youth. And I like that you think I' m hot, though I 'm old enough to be your - no, I won 't say it!
[they GET it ON]
Annette Bening: This scandalous affair with a near-teen has invigorated me! I want to drink beer and exercise and raise the timbre of my deep man-voice!
[she DOES all these THINGS while BRAVELY smiling and SHOWING her DEEP laugh lines, EARNING the RESPECT of those who are ANTI-BOTOX]
Annette Bening: Wooo! Let' s have a picturesque party on a lake! I 'll bring my husband and boy-toy! It 's somehow accepted in prim English society!
[her boy-toy FLIRTS with a PRETTY yet DUMB girl]
Annette Bening: Aargh! Baaaah! DIVA RAGE!!!!!
Jeremy Irons: Let' s produce a new play. I must find a young ingénue to play opposite you, Julia.
Young American Chap : Um - I have this "friend " that would be perfect.
[he MAKES Julia HIRE the PRETTY yet DUMB girl, and then BREAKS up with HER]
Jeremy Irons: Sounds great! I think I shall have my own scandalous affair with this pretty young piece.
[he DOES]
Annette Bening: You may think you have won, husband and boy-toy, but my wrinkles shall have the last laugh!
[she ACTS really NICE, thus EARNING the TRUST of the PRETTY yet DUMB girl, then hilariously HUMILIATES her on OPENING NIGHT by UPSTAGING her and EXPOSING her AFFAIR]
Jeremy Irons: That was evil and awesome. I love Julia again.
Pretty Dumb Girl: That cow! I never want to act again!
Jeremy Irons: Sorry, you signed a lifelong contract.
Pretty Dumb Girl: NOOOOO!
[Julia BASKS in her REVENGE and WISDOM and DRINKS a HUGE glass of BEER at a RESTAURANT, because LEARNING to love YOURSELF is the GREATEST love of ALL]

Guest Post: The English Patient

We here at the ultra-condensed studios have been toying with the idea of "departments," since we appear to have talents for different genres. My tastes tend to fall to simply "bad/poorly acted" movies, while Laura McClain's tend toward the "weepy epic" type. Below is a fine example of one such epic - with some personal touches that, I think, give it that extra touch of pathos needed to render a truly hilarious condensation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is POST-WAR ITALY]
Juliette Binoche: It’s hard being a saint-like nurse, especially when everyone I love dies on me.
[she HELPS a MYSTERIOUSLY BURNED man of UNKNOWN origin]
Juliette Binoche: The burned man will be in terrible pain if we take him on the road. I’ll stay here in this gorgeously crumbling monastery to wait for his impending death. He probably has a good story or two to keep me from being bored.

[she has NO IDEA]
Ralph Fiennes in Burn Makeup: Wanna hear a tale of the desert?
[we are INSTANTLY transported to the DESERT]
Hot Desert Ralph Fiennes: I hope our map-making expedition isn't hindered by things like a world war or too much sun exposure.
Julian Fellowes: Or a hot married chick.
[they LAUGH]
Kristin Scott Thomas: Hey, I’m here with my husband on your expedition.
Hot Desert Ralph Fiennes: Oh, crap.
[they have many DESERT ADVENTURES, like being CAUGHT in a ROMANTIC SANDSTORM, while her husband is CONVENIENTLY away]
Hot Desert Ralph Fiennes: I love you, but I must resist.
[he CAVES, and they have the most ROMANTIC AFFAIR EVER]
Juliette Binoche: Oh sorry, I have to see who’s at the door. Hold that thought.
Naveen Andrews: Hey, just wanted to let you know that your home is rife with landmines. Maybe I should pitch a tent in the backyard and protect you.
Juliette Binoche: Sweet!
Willem Dafoe: Hey, I’m a thumbless thief with a horrific past. Can I shoot up in your patient’s bedroom and threaten to kill him?
Juliette Binoche: Sure. Sorry, mysterious burn victim. Continue.
[we are AGAIN transported to the DESERT]
Kristin Scott Thomas: I love you, but I love my husband too. I don’t know what to do!
[she and Ralph Fiennes have MORE HOT sex, and her HUSBAND catches them]
Thumbless Willem Dafoe: Wait, I have a tale of wartime woe too. Can I go now, cause it’s somehow your fault for some vague reason.
Ralph Fiennes in Burn Makeup: Uh, I guess.
[we are AGAIN transported to the DESERT]
Thumb-Having Willem Dafoe: I swear to God, I’m not a spy!!!
Random Super-Mean Nazi: You know, when people lie, we cut off their thumbs.
Thumb-Having Willem Dafoe: NOOOOOOOO!
[Laura FAST-FORWARDS through the thumb-severing]
Ralph Fiennes in Burn Makeup: Ooh, sorry about that. My turn.
[we are AGAIN transported to the DESERT]
Colin Firth: I can’t believe you cheated on me!!!
[he CRASHES his PLANE into the DESERT, trying to KILL Ralph Fiennes, but only KILLING himself]
Kristin Scott Thomas: Yeah, I’m in the plane too. And mortally wounded.
[Ralph Fiennes CARRIES her to a CAVE and LEAVES her there]
Kristin Scott Thomas: Promise you’ll come back for me.
Hot Desert Ralph Fiennes: I promise.
[he WALKS through the LITERAL desert, and then has TERRIBLE things HAPPEN, such as being ARRESTED and BEATEN and having to WALK through the DESERT again]
Naveen Andrews: Sorry to interrupt, but Juliette Binoche needs a romantic subplot.
[they GO to a CHURCH and look at PAINTINGS in a most ROMANTIC fashion, and he ALMOST dies in a BOMB accident]
Juliette Binoche: Sorry. I’m back. Please continue.
Ralph Fiennes in Burn Makeup: So, anyways..
[we are AGAIN transported to the DESERT, where Ralph Fiennes has made a DEAL with NAZIS to get a PLANE to go BACK to the CAVE where Kristin Scott Thomas DIED like, THREE MONTHS ago]
Laura: [Unintelligible SOBBING]
Thumbless Willem Dafoe: Wow, your story is about a thousand times sadder than mine. I guess I won’t kill you now.
Ralph Fiennes in Burn Makeup: Now that my tale has been told, I can die.
[he IMPLORES Juliette Binoche to KILL him, and it is SO SAD]
Naveen Andrews: Oh, I gotta go too. Bye.
[he LEAVES]
Juliette Binoche: Well, I guess I can leave too now. I shall never forget what I learned in the abandon monastery with the Hungarian burn-victim Nazi supporter, the thumbless, drug-addicted thief and the hot Sikh bomb-diffuser who got it on with me.
[Laura CRIES for 30 MINUTES and CAN’T go out for PIE, because she is too PUFFY and DEPRESSED]