Oscar Shorts: Instead of Abracadabra (Sweden)

[it is SWEDEN]
Dad: Tomas! Give me a machete! I know you have one in your magic kit, you slob!
Tomas: God, dad, don't bother me! I'm trying to become an amazing magician! All while being a less-annoying, Swedish version of Napoleon Dynamite, except I'm like 25! CHIMAY!!! That is my magic word.
[he is CLEARLY NOT a very good magician]
Tomas: Ooh, who is that hot hottie moving in next door? With a kid, but still: hottttttt.
Dad: Are you guys ready for my birthday party on Friday? We're going to have karaoke.
Tomas: But daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad I want to do maaaaaaaaaaaagic! Look, let me show you how good I am at it. CHIMAY!!
[he accidentally STABS his mother]
Tomas: Oh. Shit.
[they go to the HOSPITAL and the HOT NEIGHBOR is a NURSE there and the mom is FINE]
Tomas: So...I live next door. And I do magic. You know, Gothic mystery and mayhem.*
Hot Neighbor: Um...okay. Do you do kids' parties? My son's birthday is tomorrow.
Tomas: Hell yeah I do kids' parties!!
[he does a TRICK where it looks like he blows up a HAMSTER but the hamster is OKAY]
Hot Neighbor: So, when can I see another of your shows?
Tomas: OMG OMG OMG DAD YOU NEED TO LET ME DO SOME MAGIC AT YOUR PARTY BECAUSE I NEED TO GET WITH THIS HOT NEIGHBOR.
Dad: Do you promise not to stab your mom again?
Tomas: Um...yes.
[he calls his STUNTMAN FRIEND to help him and puts him in the AUDIENCE as a PLANT]
Tomas: You, sir, why don't you come and get inside the magic cube!
Stuntmant Friend: Why, I shall!
[he gets STABBED and is BLEEDING literally EVERYWHERE and like DIES]
Audience: [stunned SILENCE]
Tomas: Um...anyone need a light?
Stuntman Friend: I do! I'm not dead!
Everyone: Yay!
Hot Neighbor: Yay!
[he POKES her in the EYE with magic FLOWERS]

Oscar Shorts: The Door (Ireland)

[it is an UNIDENTIFIED SNOWY PLACE]
Man: I have to get into that abandoned building! I have to steal that door!
[he RUNS AROUND for a while and is CHASED by people with FLASHLIGHTS]
Man: I got it! Now I will take it home on my motorcycle. But first, here's a flashback.
[it is SOMEWHAT EARLIER]
Voice on Radio: Russian russian russian Chernobyl russian.
Man: We have to leave.
Adorable Daughter: But what about our cat?
Man: We have to leave him, for he will not fit in our suitcase.
Voice on Radio: Do not bring anything along!
[the people SMUGGLE things that end up being RADIOACTIVE]
Adorable Daughter: My arm hurts.
[she has a LESION and everyone is like OH SHIT]
Wife: It would be better for her to die than for her to suffer like this!
[she DOES die, and it is SAD]
Man: Then I stole the door from our apartment so we could lay her out on it.
[they walk through the SNOW in a SOMBER manner]

Oscar Shorts: Miracle Fish (Australia)

[it is AUSTRALIA]
Mom: Okay, sweetheart, have fun at school, I'm going to see your dad in the hospital, and I smoke, so maybe that means I'm a bad mom? Oh, and sorry we're poor. Oh, and happy birthday.
Little Boy: Sigh.
[he is MOCKED by his CLASSMATES and given the FINGER]
Bully: You only got that stupid fish thing that curls in your hand for your birthday? You suck! You're poor!!!
Little Boy: :(
[he goes to the SICK BAY and takes a NAP, and when he AWAKES, everyone is GONE]
Little Boy: Yeah!! They were abducted by aliens!! Wooooo!
[he RUNS AROUND and eats ALL the candy in the TUCK SHOP]
Little Boy: I'm not even gonna leave school, this is great!
[you see a SMALL BLOODY HANDPRINT and it is like SERIOUSLY TERRIFYING]
Cell phone: Ring ring!
Little Boy: Hello?
Man on Phone: Hello, boy. You need to find someplace to hide, okay?
[a CRAZY MAN appears holding a RIFLE]
Crazy Man: You can't make a dollar out of 65 cents!!!*
Little Boy: Here, hold my magic red fish.
[the FISH does not MOVE]
Little Boy: That means "dead one."
[a SNIPER takes the crazy man OUT right in front of the BOY]

Oscar Shorts: The New Tenants (Denmark)

[it is NEW YORK]
David Rakoff: ...and there are people dying EVERYWHERE and YOU are asking me not to SMOKE while you're EATING? Fuck you.
David Rakoff's Boyfriend: You're so dramatic.
[there is a KNOCK at the door]
Old Lady: I need flour! Give me some flour!! I'm making cinnamon buns for my granddaughter!
David Rakoff: Um, we just moved in? So we don't have any?
Old Lady: I hope you got a break on the rent, considering the triple homicide that happened here.
David Rakoff and his BF: Bwaaaaaaa?
DR's BF: Well, anyway, I found some flour. Here you go.
[he hands her a ZIPLOC BAG]
Me: That has to be cocaine.
My Mom: Duh.
[there is ANOTHER KNOCK at the door]
Vincent D'Onofrio: You fucked my wife!! She is the aforementioned granddaughter of the old lady!
[he ATTACKS them with a TIRE IRON and is generally SCARY but also SAD]
David Rakoff: Um, no, we are gay. I think that was the last guy who lived here, Jerry.
[there is ANOTHER FUCKING KNOCK and Vincent D'Onofrio gets SHOT]
Kevin Corrigan: Where the fuck is my heroin? It looks like flour!
David Rakoff and his BF: Shiiiiiiiiit.
Old Lady: You killed my granddaughter!! That wasn't flour!!
Kevin Corrigan: I'ma shoot everyone!!
[before he can, the GRANDDAUGHTER, who is on some SERIOUS heroin, hits him with the TIRE IRON and then DIES]
David Rakoff: Cigarette?
[they DANCE in the STREET]

Oscar Shorts: Kavi (India)

[it is INDIA]
Kavi: Shit, working as a slave in a brick-making slave colony, like, REALLY sucks. I wish I could play cricket with those rich kids.
Kavi's Dad and Mom: Sorry we're poor. Let's pretend we have a farm in this flower pot to escape our horrible life.
Boss of Brick-Making Slave Colony: Aren't you my fastest worker, Kavi? Can I bribe you with the promise of cricket?
Kavi: Okay!
[he moves like A MILLION bricks, though he is like a TINY CHILD]
Kavi: My hands! Ow!
Some Dudes Who Are Trying to Help the Slaves: Here, have some soda. We are nice.
Kavi: But I am afraid!
[the MEAN BOSS locks him with SHACKLES and HIDES the rest of the SLAVES]
Slave-Helping Guys: Show us where your slaves are!
Mean Boss: I have no slaves!
Kavi: I must remove my shackles!!!
[he PULLS the shackle off his HAND and it is AWFUL and BLOODY]
Me and My Mom: Why didn't he throw a cricket ball at them? Oh well.
Slave-Helping Guys: Come with us, we will free you, though you know no other world than this.
Kavi: Okay, but first I will walk on the wet bricks and fuck them up! Ha ha! A tiny amount of retribution!

Oscar Shorts

Guys! I do not have time to see all the Best Picture nominees by next weekend. I just don't. Some of them are really long!

But guess what! Short films are great too! Sometimes, they are even better than their big-papa counterparts. And the best thing is that you can see all of them in 57% of the time it would take you to see Avatar.

I saw all five nominated live-action short films, so I'll be bringing them to you all next week. I know you're probably like "duh, how condensed can you MAKE a short film?" but I think it will work! Let's find out...together.