Horror of the Zombies

This is another selection from the Drive-In Classics 50-pack I got. Every one is a gem!! This movie was originally in Spanish, titled El Buque Maldito (The Damned Ship), and on my DVD it was listed as Horror of the Zombies, but the alternate titles on imdb.com include:
- Das Geisterschiff der schwimmenden Leichen (The Ghost Ship of Swimming Corpses - kind of a misnomer, since they don't really "swim" so much as "emerge")
- Ghost Ships of the Blind Dead (there is only one ship, guys)
- Le monde des morts-vivants (The World of the Living Dead - sort of makes sense since they're apparently in another dimension)
- Ship of Zombies (simple, straightforward)
- The Ghost Galleon (see poster)
- Zombie Flesh Eater (true, but I feel like the title needs to address the ship)
- The Blind Dead 3 (apparently the director had a loose "series" of these movies, the first of which, La noche del terror ciego, was also titled Revenge from Planet Ape, which: what?! Must see)
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[it is MADRID]
Noemi the Sexy Roommate: Hey! You! Fashion photographer! I know you know where my roommate - and most intimate friend - Kathy is! Tell me!!
Lillian the Fashion Photographer: Hold on, let me finish berating these models. [to the MODELS] You! In the unflattering pants! Stand up straighter! Now do something awkward! [to Noemi] Okay, that's done. Anyway, I don't know where Kathy is.
Noemi: You do too!!
Lillian: Okay, you're right. I do. Meet me at the pier tomorrow and it'll all be explained.
[they go to an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, where all LEGITIMATE BUSINESS occurs]
Howard Tucker, the Sporting Goods Magnate: Hi. As you probably know, I'm Howard Tucker, the sporting goods magnate.*
Noemi: Tell me where my roommate-slash-possible lesbian lover is! I didn't come all the way out to the pier in a mini halter dress and platform heels to get nothing!
Sergio, Howard's Henchman(?): Watch yourself, girl! I don't really serve any purpose here than to intimidate people, and that's what I'll do to you!
Howard Tucker: Okay, so basically what we've done is abandoned your sexy roommate and another sexy girl out in a little boat in the middle of the ocean, and we're waiting for someone to rescue them. There'll be lots of news coverage and instant publicity for me!
Noemi: Wait...what?
Lillian: Look, it doesn't make sense to me either. I just hire the sexy girls.
Kathy, on the radio: You guys! A galleon just appeared in the water by us! And there's a bunch of weird fog! We're going to go check it out! Please hurry, it's scary.*
Howard Tucker: And now it sounds like they're in trouble - galleons? This is bonkers. But we won't be able to find them and rescue them. And how will THAT look for me in terms of publicity!? BAD, that's how!
Noemi: I'm going to the police to report you for...something! I'm not really sure what you did, but it's wrong!!
Sergio: Oh, no you're not!
[he LOCKS her in a DUNGEON or something]
Noemi: Can't you bring me some water?
Sergio: Here's some milk...but ok.
[he walks down ONE MILLION HALLWAYS to get the WATER, while Noemi tries to ESCAPE in her PLATFORM SHOES]
Noemi: Damn this 70s fashion!!
Sergio: Ha ha! Your shoes have thwarted your escape through the many hallways of this warehouse! Now I will choke you...maybe? Or rape you, or something? I'm not sure what's going on.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: I'm just...so...tired...
[she SLEEPS for a while]
Kathy: Oh, maybe I'll look around the galleon. But first, a nap.
[she SLEEPS some more]
Kathy: Where's my sexy friend? She seems to have disappeared. Oh well, I'll just take another nap.
Howard Tucker: Well, the boat's disappeared. My helicopter can't find it. We better consult and expert.
Lillian: An expert in what?
Howard Tucker: Um...meteorology and 16th century galleons? That's a thing, right?
Dr. Midget: Yes! That's me, the tiny man with the voice of Will Arnett! It sounds like something spooky is going on. The best thing to do is to go out to the ocean and investigate, all by ourselves, though none of us are prepared for ocean trauma.
[the MOTLEY CREW goes out to the SPOT where the GALLEON supposedly was, but NOTHING is there]
Lillian: What the hell. I wore my good bell-sleeve shirt for this, and nothing.
[suddenly, the GALLEON APPEARS]
Dr. Midget: Oh, there it is - let's all get on it. I think it's in another dimension, btw.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: Hello? Anyone? Is anyone down in this scary hold? Is anyone inside these coffin-shaped boxes?
[the SLOWEST ZOMBIES EVER emerge from the boxes]
Kathy: No! No! Get away from me! Stop moving so slowly!
[they do GREGORIAN CHANTS as they CARRY HER AWAY or possibly RAPE her but it's VERY CONFUSING]
Howard Tucker: Well, now that we're on the terrifyingly mysterious 16th century galleon, let's all just take a nap.
Noemi: I just want to find Kathy! I'm going to go look for her myself! But first, I'll have a flashback about how we almost kissed one time...[she DOES] okay, now I can go.
[she ALSO finds the SCARY HOLD and the COFFINS and ALSO gets killed by the SKELETON ZOMBIES, but for like TWICE AS LONG as Kathy]
Noemi: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
[she CLUTCHES at the STAIRCASE and DRAGS herself up]
Noemi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
[the zombies GRAB her and DRAG her RIGHT BACK DOWN]
Noemi: Nooooooooooo!!!!!
[the ZOMBIES cut off her LIMBS and FEAST on her FLESH]
Howard Tucker: I wonder where Noemi went.
Sergio: Who cares? I just found a shit-ton of treasure!! I'm outta here!!
Howard Tucker: Sergio, don't leave me now. I'm frightened.*
Lillian: What the hell is up with this boat?
Dr. Midget: Look, I conveniently found a document that explains everything! They're zombies of sectarian knights, and they float around looking for people to eat.
Lillian: That seems really inefficient. This is a really poorly-managed ghost ship.
Dr. Midget: I know! But it seems to be working for them now...
[the ZOMBIES reappear and they are all like WTF]
Dr. Midget: Don't worry - I have some experience in exorcism.*
[he makes a FLAMING CROSS which SUBDUES the zombies for HALF an HOUR]
Dr. Midget: Okay, now let's get all the coffins off the ship.
[we WATCH as they throw EVERY SINGLE COFFIN overboard]
Lillian: That was a tiring, boring sequence! Now what?
Dr. Midget: Look! Now that the zombies are off the boat, we're back in our own dimension. And there's land here! We can swim it! Except me, I can't swim. You guys go.
Sergio: All I want is my treasure!!
[he DROWNS, because EVERYONE KNOWS you never take TREASURE off a GHOST SHIP]
Lillian: Well, we can still swim ashore. My bell-sleeved shirt will help me swim!!
Dr. Midget: Don't forget to come back for me!
[the GHOST SHIP gets PISSED and starts on FIRE and Dr. Midget is CONSUMED by FLAMES]
Howard Tucker: Well, looks like it's just you and me left. Let's collapse on the beach for a second.
[they DO, but all the zombies EMERGE from the SEA and SURROUND them a la a FOOTBALL-STYLE HUDDLE and it is KIND OF GREAT]

The Manchurian Candidate (2004)

[it is the GULF WAR...the first one]
Liev Schreiber: AAAAA! SOLDIER THINGS!
[he SAVES some people, or so it SEEMS]
Denzel: And that's how he got this medal, even though I am the one giving the talk about it.
Crazy Guy: DO YOU HAVE DREAMS? ABOUT THE WAR?
Denzel: Uh...
[he DOES, and they are TERRIFYING]
Television Reports: The leading choice for Vice Presidential nominee is Jon Voight.
Meryl Streep: Pick my son. DO IT. I am STREEP and YOU MUST OBEY.
Television Reports: This just in - Liev Schreiber is now the VP nominee.
Denzel: I don't think he's actually a hero. Based solely on my dreams and the rantings of a crazy dude.
[he meets a CUTE GIRL on the TRAIN, though he acts SUPER SKETCHY all the time]
Denzel: They're watching me! Something weird is going on!
[he finds a CHIP or something in his SHOULDER but it falls down the DRAIN]
Denzel: I must get more evidence!
[he BITES Liev Schreiber and gets the CHIP from HIM]
Liev Schreiber: WTF?
[he gets a PHONE CALL that turns out to be the ACTIVATION of his BRAINWASHING]
Scary Doctor: Now we will drill into your brain.
Denzel: Now I will do research on microfiche, because it is way more interesting than Googling!
[he finds out some CONSPIRACY INFORMATION]
Cute Girl from Train: Are you okay?
Denzel: I'm taking this to the Feds!
Cute Girl from Train: I AM THE FEDS.*
Meryl Streep: This is unacceptable!!
[it turns out that she is BEHIND IT ALL]
Denzel: Look! I have evidence that we have been brainwashed!
Jon Voight: I believe you, son.
[he goes KAYAKING but is KILLED by a BRAINWASHED Liev Schreiber]
Jon Voight's Daughter: Dad? Dad? Wait, it's my ex-boyfriend...killing my dad!! Whaaaa!!
Liev Schreiber: Must...eliminate...witnesses...
[he KILLS her too and it is SAD]
Denzel: Seriously! There's evidence!
Liev Schreiber: Oh...shit. Oh, wait, my mom is on the phone and she wants to talk to you.
Meryl Streep: DO AS I SAYYYYY
[Denzel is turned into an ASSASSIN via the BRAINWASHING]
Television Report: It's our new President-elect, and his hot young Vice President-elect!
Meryl Streep: Just make sure you stand on your mark, sweetheart. Then the assassin will shoot the president, and not you. I did this for you, baby. FOR YOU.
[she KISSES him in a REALLY NON-MOTHERLY WAY]
Liev Schreiber: I know I have been brainwashed. Weep weep.
[he does NOT stand on his MARK, but instead LOOKS at Denzel REALLY MEANINGFULLY and Denzel SHOOTS him and his mother SIMULTAENOUSLY]
Denzel: I have saved the day. But I am sad about it.
Cute Girl from Train Who is Also a Federal Agent: Thanks.

Resident Evil: Extinction

[it is the FUTURE or something]

Science Man: [as he WATCHES Milla Jovovich navigate an obstacle course] My creation! My creation is learning!

[she gets CHOPPED UP]

Science Man: Shit.

[elsewhere, the REAL Milla Jovovich RIDES her HOG through the DESERTS, evading DETECTION by both the Science Man and the ZOMBIES that roam the PLAINS]

Ali Larter: I am so hot that you have elected me the leader of your convoy. Look! A motel! Let’s check it out.

Convoy People: Thank you, leader.

[the MOTEL is NOT SAFE and they get attacked by ZOMBIE BIRDS and a bunch of people BITE IT, but then Milla Jovovich uses her MIND WAVES to save them and create a HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION]

Milla Jovovich: I found some dude’s diary that says it’s safe in Alaska. Maybe we should go there. Though I normally travel alone, I broke my motorcycle earlier with my mind waves.

Ali Larter: Uh…okay. Let’s take a vote.

[the convoy VOTES for Alaska, though it will be a LONG JOURNEY, full of STRIFE]

Ali Larter: Where should we stock up?

Milla Jovovich: Las Vegas.

[meanwhile, in the LAB, deep UNDERGROUND]

Girl Computer Child: Science Man, we have detected her.

Science Man: Send the zombies! We have plenty, since I have been using them to perfect my anti-zombie serum!

[a BOX of ZOMBIES is delivered to Las Vegas]

Milla Jovovich: Look, a box. I hope it’s not full of zombies.

[a HUGE FUCKING BATTLE ensues and RULES]

Science Man: Damn! Now I have to test my anti-zombie serum on myself!

[he DOES, and turns into a CRAZY MONSTER]

Milla Jovovich: Here, convoy, take this helicopter to Alaska. I gotta go fight some more people.

[she goes to the UNDERGROUND LAB and finds the Girl Computer Child, who fills her in on WHAT’S UP]

Science Man: AAARRRGGHHH!! I will destroy you!!!

[they FIGHT, and are both about to BITE IT in a totally awesome CHOP-YOU-INTO-PIECES laser net, but a CLONE of Milla Jovovich SAVES her at the last minute]

Milla Jovovich: Helllll yes.

[she makes an ARMY of HERSELF, presumably to DEFEAT the bad guys and set up the SEQUEL]

28 Weeks Later

[it is ENGLAND]
Mom: La, la, la...life isn't so bad when you live in a boarded-up house in the country with your husband and some randoms who might be the only survivors of a deadly, inexplicable virus that turns people into furious, bloody, flesh-eating monsters. Here, have some pasta.
Dad: Good thing we sent the kids on that school trip out of the country, so we know they're safe.
Sullen Girl: My boyfriend is coming back to the house, I know it!!
Other dude: No, he's not! He's a FUCKING ZOMBIE.
[they all hear NOISES outside and the mom LETS IN a random CHILD because she is a MOM]
Sullen Girl: Maybe it's my boyfr---
[an INFECTED PERSON grabs her and BITES her FUCKING NECK]
Dad: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Mom: Child, I will save you, though you are not my own child!
[everyone gets ATTACKED and there is MAD CRAZY BLOOD]
Mom: Help me!
Dad: Um...bye.
[he BOUNCES, but does not SEE her ACTUALLY get attacked by the INFECTED]
[28 weeks LATER]
Boy: It's so good to be home! Well, sort of home.
Girl: I can't wait to see dad. It's too bad he couldn't possibly have saved Mom from the Infected.
Hot Woman Medical Official: You have one green eye and one brown. I feel that this may be significant in some way.
Blatantly Expository Train Announcement: Welcome to District One. Please do not leave the confines of District One. It's the only safe place anywhere, so we thought it would be a good idea to move civilians back in before we've ascertained that Britain is secure.
Hot Sharpshooter Man Solider: I sure do like looking through my scope, since there's pretty much nothing else to do.
Black Helicopter Dude: Since I am black and also have pictures of my family in my helicopter, I will probably die later. But for now, I shall entertain you with my hilarious witticisms.
[the children LEAVE the confines of District One, even though there are SOLIDERS, like, EVERYWHERE]
Girl: Let's steal a scooter. I'll grab the keys off this amazingly gross corpse.
[they go to their OWN HOUSE, which is DILAPIDATED, to get a picture of their MOM]
Boy: What's upstairs? Something's moving. OMG!!! Mom?!?!?!
[their mom is there, TOTALLY ALIVE but CRAZED and POSSIBLY INFECTED]
Boy and Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[the SOLIDERS find them and return them to the RELATIVE SAFETY of District One, along with their MOM]
Hot Woman Medical Official: She's a carrier. She has a unique genetic structure that makes her immune to the mysterious virus. Maybe her kids have it too. We'll need to do some more tests.
Dad: My wife...my wife is in here.
[she TRICKS him into KISSING her, though she is a CARRIER, and he gets THE VIRUS and then SHOVES his THUMBS into her EYE SOCKETS]
Military Personnel: SHIIIIIIIITTTT!! The virus is back!!! What the fuck?!?!
[everyone FREAKS OUT and this one dude totally gets his HEAD blown off and SPLATTERED against GLASS]
Military Personnel: Shoot the infected!! Wait, shoot everyone!! Put all the civilians in one locked room, all squished together, and hope that no infected people get in the--crap.
[Infected Dad RAMPAGES through the room, and some people HIDE, including Girl, Boy, Hot Woman Medical Official, Hot Sharpshooter Man Soldier, and some RANDOMS]
Hot Sharpshooter Man Soldier: We gotta get out of here.
Black Helicopter Dude (on radio): Dude, you have to GO. Meet me across town, even though I'm in a helicopter, and you're on foot in a hail of gunfire.
[the military FIREBOMBS District One and it is COOL]
Hot Woman Medical Official: We need to protect these kids, because they may be the key to unlock the secret of the mysterious virus.
[they find a CAR that won't start, but Hot Sharpshooter Man Solider SACRIFICES himself to a FUCKING FLAMETHROWER to push-start the car]
Hot Woman Medical Official: Let's go down into the subway, where it's completely dark. I'll use my night vision scope to see where we're going, and also to make this scene completely scary.
[she SEES an INFECTED through the SCOPE and gets ATTACKED]
Girl: Shit. Now we're down here alone. Wait, isn't that Dad?
[Infected Dad ATTACKS his son, who OBVIOUSLY shares the UNIQUE GENETIC STRUCTURE of his mom and is RESISTANT]
Girl: You bastard!! [she SHOOTS him] Okay, let's go.
Black Helicopter Dude: Somehow I have survived the movie thus far. Let's go to France.
[they FLY to France, with the Boy CARRYING the mysterious VIRUS, setting up the possibility of a SEQUEL featuring MANY EMPTY EUROPEAN CITIES]

Der Nacht der Lebenden Loser (Night of the Living Dorks)

You know what we need more of? Teen sex outsider comedy zombie movies. I mean, the grown-up romcom got its due with the very excellent Shaun of the Dead, but the kids need their fix too. Enter Night of the Living Dorks. Only the Germans could come up with something as cliched, yet satisfyingly hilarious as this movie. Oddly, the image on the poster of the Bad Guys (read: Popular Kids) is from the "alternate" ending on the DVD, so I'm wondering what was shown in the theater. It actually doesn't matter, since both endings leave plenty of loose ends. That doesn't mean the strings to which those ends belong weren't highly entertaining...strings. That metaphor sort of got away from me there.
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[it is HAITI]
Haitian Woman: Oh no! Zombies!!!
Haitian Man: Noooo!!
Haitian Child: Aaaaaaaa!
Large Haitian Woman: Yo' ass is cooked, mothafucka!*
[the ZOMBIE REMAINS pass hands until they end up in GERMANY]
Dorky, but Actually Not That Dorky Guy: Oh, how I wish I could go out with the most popular girl in school. But no...she ignores me, and instead I am left only with my next-door neighbor who was my best friend as a child and has turned into a weird, incredibly hot goth girl.
Sex-Crazed Friend: Hahahaha! You'll never get her! She's TOO HOT!!
Actually Dorky Friend: Indeed. Let us go to school after getting high, where we will surely be taunted and teased and possibly given a wedgie.
[all of that STUFF he just said HAPPENS]
Goth Neighbor: My presentation today will be about Zombies. Here are some Zombie remains we got somewhere.
Popular Kids: You're weird! We don't like you because you're different from us!
Dorky, but Actually Not That Dorky Guy: So...how does this Zombie stuff work? Could you make me a love potion?
Goth Neighbor: Uh, I guess. Come to the graveyard later.
[he and his friends go to the GRAVEYARD, where a GUST OF WIND blows ZOMBIE REMAINS on them]
All: Gross!!! Zombie remains!
[they get into a TERRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT and DIE but are REANIMATED because of the ZOMBIE REMAINS]
Dorky, but Actually Not That Dorky Guy: Whoa! We're zombies! For some reason, this means we will be super-powerful and also irresistible to the ladies!
Sex-Crazed Friend: Awesome! I'm gonna bone the teacher!
Actually Dorky Friend: I'm gonna kick some people's asses!
[parts of their BODIES start falling off, including one dude's PENIS, and they have to STAPLE it back on]
Dorky, but Actually Not That Dorky Guy: Let's have a huge party while my parents are away! That couldn't end badly at ALL!
[they PARTY and SHENANIGANS occur, so many SHENANIGANS that the house is, obviously, TRASHED]
Goth Friend: Due to contractual agreements, this movie needs to end happily, so guess what! There is a Zombie Antidote. We just need to make it. Also, we need to clean up the house.
[ingredient-gathering/house-cleaning MONTAGE ensues, including attempts to find VIRGIN'S BLOOD, which is in he Zombie Antidote]
Goth Friend: I'm a virgin. Here, I shall cut my finger and bleed...for you.
Dorky, but Actually Not That Dorky Guy: Thanks. Now I realize how hot you are.
[they are all DE-ZOMBIFIED]
All: Hurrah!