Spencer

This one was kind of a toughie. I didn’t HATE it, but there were many times when I was like “BITCH JUST GO TO DINNER,” and then felt insensitive to Diana’s mental health struggles. Sometimes it’s hard to make ourselves do things that on the surface seem very easy! And I guess if she had actually GONE to dinner we wouldn’t have much of a movie, because about 90% of it is her psyching herself up to go to dinner and then not doing it. And the food didn’t look good, but still. Try to go to dinner, babe. This weekend will be over soon. 

***

[it is the EARLY 90s but ALSO some kind of DREAMLIKE ASTRAL PLANE]

KStew: Alas, it is time to attend the annual Windsor Family Christmas Extravaganza. And I’m lost, again. Symbolically. 
[she DRIVES in a CONVERTIBLE as her wig FLUTTERS in the BREEZE and STOPS to ask for DIRECTIONS, a PAINFUL reminder of LIFE pre-Siri]
KStew: Hello, can anyone tell me where your neighborhood castle is?
British Diner Patrons: [STARE in SILENCE]
KStew: Right-ho. 
[she HAPPENS UPON a scarecrow in a FIELD and STARES at it while LOOKING WOUNDED]
The Castle Chef: Hello, your highness. I’m just out on a quail-scavenging trip or something. Allow me to escort you to your weekend of good old-fashioned family togetherness.
KStew: Fuuuuuck.
Stern Butler: Ugh, it's you. Time for the annual Windsor Good-Time Eating Disorder Activator. One must gain three pounds this weekend. For the fun of it all. 
[she SITS on a SCALE because this FAMILY is TAILOR-MADE to TRIGGER her]
Sally Hawkins: Your highness! I have been assigned as your dresser again this Christmas. DO NOT LET THEM BREAK YOU. 
KStew: THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE
[she SEES a BOOK about Anne Boleyn in her ROOM which, is a real TROLL by the Royal Family]
Prince Chuckles: Happy Christmas Eve. Here are some pearls.
KStew. Thx I guess. 
The Entire Royal Family: [sits in judgmental silence]
[KStew IMAGINES DUMPING her pearls into her PEA soup and CHOMPING them up, which actually LOOKS like an IMPROVEMENT to that Nickelodeon SLIME MONSTROSITY]
Wills and Harry: Mummy! Happy Christmas!
[she GIVES them normal-kid PRESENTS which is NICE because they probably GET like, BREECHES and HAUNTED PALACES from their grandparents]
KStew: My childhood manor is right ‘round the bend. Perhaps I will go there, in the middle of the night. 
[she ALMOST gets SHOT by palace guards for her SKULKING]
[it is CHRISTMAS MORNING and she WEARS a HAT and LOOKS DOWNTRODDEN when she SEES Camilla]
Prince Chuckles: Can you maybe chill out a little and stop being late to everything and speaking in like, vague metaphors?
KStew: [SLAMS her HANDS on the pool table in IMPOTENT RAGE]
Prince Chuckles: I’m going to take our gentle sons pheasant hunting tomorrow morning to make them more like me.
Some Maid: I am here with yet more dresses for you to wear, ma’am. 
KStew: WHERE IS MY BFF SALLY HAWKINS, DON’T YOU SEE I’M HANGING ON BY A THREAD.
Some Maid: Chuckles has sent her away. For your own good. And we’ve stapled  your curtains closed so no one can see in. Also for your own good. 
KStew: I simply can’t go to dinner, even in this amazing gown. They’ll kill me like they did Anne Boleyn! 
[she IMAGINES CUTTING her ARM with a SEAM RIPPER as the AUDIENCE SCREAMS]
Literally Everyone: Time for dinner. 
KStew: I CANNOT.
[she PUTS on the SCARECROW coat and GOES to her DUSTY CHILDHOOD home where she HALLUCINATES her YOUTHFUL self and CONTEMPLATES THROWING herself down the STAIRS which is her SIGNATURE MOVE]
Sally Hawkins: I’ve been called back because everyone knows you’re losing it like whoa. Let’s go to the beach. I am in love with you.
KStew: [LAUGHS with DELIGHT and it’s CUTE]

KStew: Knowing I am loved has given me confidence. I will rescue my children from the pheasant shoot! And put my yellow princess suit on that scarecrow in an astonishing act of symbolism! 

[she TAKES Wills and Harry to KFC in her SPORTS car and it’s a JARRING reminder that it’s the 90s and not OLDEN TIMES]

Phantom Thread

 

Listen, I can’t claim to truly understand any Paul Thomas Anderson film. To be perfectly honest, we’re probably not supposed to. Film nerds always need something to dissect and I do enjoy a lot of his work, except Magnolia which can GTFO. And it’s always nice to see DDL’s hot face unobscured by voluminous mustaches or Lincoln beards. So I think I liked this movie? I like clothes and chilly men, and I can certainly sympathize with the effects of eating something that REALLY doesn’t agree with you. 

***

[it is a GLAMOROUS time filled with LOUD and ATONAL music]

Daniel Day-Lewis: It is I, Reynolds Woodcock, an elegant couture designer with the name of an amateur porn star. 

[he actually CREATES a COUTURE gown because DDL doesn’t PHONE it in, BITCHES]

His Lover: You never talk to me at breakfast anymore. 

His Sister: Shall I get rid of her?

DDL: [without LOOKING UP] Mmhmm.

[he dons FUSCIA SOCKS and goes to some kind of INN where Alma, a waitress, SMILES at him and immediately FALLS DOWN]

DDL: That was adorkable. Now to my breakfast! Here is the list of meats I would like to consume. Recite it back to me. 

[she DOES without BREAKING his GAZE and it is STRANGELY INTENSE as all their INTERACTIONS shall BE] 

DDL: You passed my test. Let's go on a date.

[they RIDE in his FANCY car and GO to DINNER]

DDL: My mother is dead. I find it comforting to think of her ghost watching me. Let me take off your lipstick. I like to see who I’m talking to.*

[they GAZE some more and I’m REMINDED that DDL doesn’t get enough RECOGNITION for being a damn SMOKESHOW ZADDY]

DDL: Now I shall give you the full Woodcock, meaning I will make a dress for you.

[they GO to his STUDIO and he DRAPES fabric and it’s MILDLY erotic until his SISTER weirdly SHOWS UP to TAKE notes]

DDL: You have no breasts.*

Alma: :(

DDL: Don’t worry, it’s my job to give them to you.*

Alma: :)

[she BECOMES his MUSE and LOVER and MOVES into his HOUSE where she MODELS his SUMPTUOUS dresses but also HELPS to MAKE them(?)]

Alma: Good morning! La la la!

[she BUTTERS her toast and POURS tea which is APPARENTLY UNBEARABLE]

DDL: Such noise! My day is ruined!

His Sister: He needs his reflection time in the morning! Only I know this, due to our bizarrely close relationship. 

Alma: I think he’s too fussy.*

[DDL has a FITTING with a RICH MATRON and she PASSES out DRUNK at a PARTY wearing his DRESS]

Alma: She doesn’t deserve your genius! I will pry it from her unconscious body.

DDL: You get me. I love you but also hate myself, as all geniuses do, and will take it out on you so just a head's up on that.

Alma: I want to prepare DDL a special dinner, just for the two of us. Can you leave the house so we can be alone?

His Sister: [STARES in CONFUSION]

[it is the FATEFUL dinner]

DDL: Where is everyone? What is going on? Why is this asparagus made with BUTTER when you know I prefer oil and salt? Why are you trying to destroy me?!

Alma: I just want to love you!

[instead of LEAVING his BITCHY ASS, she GETS the BRIGHT IDEA to LIGHTLY POISON him with some MUSHROOMS she PICKED earlier]

Alma: Here’s some normal, fungi-free tea.

[he COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY on a WEDDING dress he is MAKING for a LITERAL PRINCESS]

Alma: I will care for you!

DDL: Oh God, it’s coming out of both ends. The agony!

[he TOSSES ABOUT and HALLUCINATES his MOTHER because he is also SUFFERING from Mommy Issues Disease]

His Sister: I brought the doctor. Can he examine him?

DDL: Get the fuck out.*

Alma: You heard him. I am all that he needs!

[it is the NEXT morning]

DDL: My night of explosive diarrhea has made me realize how much I do in fact need you. Marry me!

Alma: I did it!

[they GET MARRIED and exactly ZERO things are FIXED cause that’s NOT how marriage WORKS]

DDL: You still butter your toast too loudly. And sometimes you bring me tea and want to go dancing. You've ruined my life!

Alma: Fuck this. I know how to make him love me again - thorough the power of poison. 

[she LEVELS up and puts a WHOLE mushroom in his OMELET]

DDL: Thanks for this omelet. It looks intriguing. 

[they STARE at each other for like, EVER and it is TENSE, and then he EATS it]

DDL: I knew about the diarrhea poison the whole time. Thanks for physically weakening me so I can finally accept your caretaking. I love you, Mommy.

Alma: I love you too. This is what love is. 

DDL: Now you’d better get out of here darling, before I’m sick.* 

[she CARESSES him as he SITS on the TOILET, but he’s not like, ACTUALLY using it in this ROMANTIC MOMENT, just to CLARIFY]

*actual line from movie

The Intern

So I think this movie’s heart was in the right place and there’s a very appealing sweetness to it. I just…I don’t know WHY this movie exists. What does it want from us? It’s like some dude in an undergrad discussion section that natters on and on about a subject that is potentially interesting, but then finishes talking without making a single point and the TA is silent for a few seconds and just like “…ok, thanks for that.” And the dude is attempting to think in a feminist way but he just can’t quiiiite get there. It’s nobody’s fault and everyone is trying their best. That’s actually a killer title for a Nancy Meyers movie. Someone call Diane! 

***

[it is a SANITIZED WORLD where EVERYONE is PLEASANT]

Robert De Niro [in V.O.]: I am an old man. But I’m spry! I retired a few years ago and then my wife died and I feel adrift, but not in a depressing way. I wonder what could give my life meaning again.
[there is a MONTAGE of him DOING TAI CHI and GOING to FUNERALS and CHILLING at Starbucks]
Robert De Niro: Why, it’s a job posting for a seniors internship program, which makes perfect sense, since high-performing tech start-ups in 2015 are always posting fliers on community bulletin boards. 
[he carefully SELECTS a TIE and is HIRED due to his CAN-DO spirit and EXPERIENCE as a phone book EXECUTIVE]
Andrew Rannells: Welcome to our fashion tech company in the world’s most artful Brooklyn loft. We’ve only been open for 18 months but somehow have the footprint and staff of a company that’s been operating for a decade! Don’t overthink it.
[De Niro MEETS his SCRUFFY intern COMPATRIOTS who are AWED by his SUITS and BRIEFCASE]
Andrew Rannells: I’ve assigned you to our founder and HBIC, Anne Hathaway. That’s her, on the quirky office bike!
[we SEE her being CAPABLE and RULING the OFFICE with KINDNESS and ATTENTION to DETAIL] 
Anne Hathaway: I’m so busy and stressed, and even though my outfits are on point and I appear to be endlessly patient, I don’t have time for this intern!
Robert De Niro: Reporting for duty, ma’am!
Anne Hathaway: I’m good, thanks. 

Robert De Niro: Okey dokey! 
[he READS the PAPER and DOLES out LOVE ADVICE to the NERDS and is GENERALLY AGREEABLE, as is his WONT]
Renee Russo: I’m the office masseuse and see that you’re a little tight in the hips, you silver fox.
[she RUBS him DOWN in a OVERLY FAMILIAR way and he POPS a BONE, which was a SURPRISE for us ALL]
The Scruffy Interns: Hooray!
[De Niro RESCUES Anne Hathaway from her DRUNKEN town car DRIVER and DRIVES her around, PROVIDING WISDOM like Kevin DID for Bethenny on RHONY]
Anne Hathaway: Thanks for dropping me off. Don’t you love my house? It looks like a picture book because this is a Nancy Meyers movie. 
[De Niro MEETS her ADORABLE CHILD and USELESS, neck-bearded HUSBAND]
Anne Hathaway: It's so hard being a working mom. I'm trying to #leanin but you all seem disappointed in me. 
Useless Neckbeard: I’m attempting to be supportive, but am really doing the “death by a thousand cuts” routine. Remember how I gave up my career so you could chase your dreams?
Anne Hathaway: I’m just so BUSY! They want me to hire a CEO for the company, but I think I can do it all myself!
[she and De Niro BOND over LATE-NIGHT work pizza and she CREATES a Facebook ACCOUNT for him and they GENERALLY bro out]
Anne Hathaway: I really appreciate your platonic friendship and the fact that you’re not Jack Nicholson, who would have insisted on a rewrite where I bang you. 
Robert De Niro: I’m just here to be your Manic Pixie Dream Grandpa! 
[they LOOK at EACH OTHER with MUTUAL FONDNESS and ADMIRATION]
Anne Hathaway: Oh no! I’ve accidentally sent an email to my mom calling her a fucking bitch, as one does.
Robert De Niro: The scruffers and I shall retrieve it!
[he and his INTERN BROS GO to her MOM’S house where HIJINKS ENSUE and DELETE the EMAIL]
Anne Hathaway: You’re my favorite employees ever! Let’s get drunk!
[De Niro TAKES her CHILD to SCHOOL and then SEES Ol’ Neckbeard TRYSTING in a CAR in FRONT of his OWN HOME like a GENIUS]
Robert De Niro: [SHAKES HEAD in DISAPPOINTMENT]
Anne Hathaway: I have something shocking to tell you, Robert De Niro - my husband is cheating on me. I think I have to hire a CEO to protect his oh-so-fragile masculinity.  

Robert De Niro: Don't sell yourself short, homie. 
[they go on a BUSINESS TRIP and WATCH Singin’ in the Rain in MATCHING hotel robes and CRY and she RELUCTANTLY hires a CEO]
Anne Hathaway: I've taken all the weep-baths and I still don't know if made the right choice. Bobby D will set me straight!
[Renee Russo ANSWERS his DOOR because there was a ROMANTIC SUBPLOT that was SO UNNECESSARY I didn’t even INCLUDE it]

Robert De Niro: Anne Hathaway, I think you can be your own CEO based on this one time I watched you show warehouse workers how to fold tissue paper. You care so much!

Anne Hathaway: But my MARRIAGE!
[her LOW-STATUS husband SHOWS UP at the OFFICE]
Useless Neckbeard: I cheated on you and it was so wrong but I support your dreams. Please keep bringing in that sweet fashion tech money.
Anne Hathaway: OK, I’m going to fire that CEO and be a badass #girlboss. But where is Robert De Niro, who I now realize is my best friend?
[his DESK is EMPTY and for a SECOND I thought that he had PULLED a FULL Mary Poppins and BLOWN AWAY with the WIND to HELP another rich WHITE woman REALIZE her POTENTIAL]
Anne Hathaway: Oh wait, he’s just here in the park, doing tai chi.
[they do TAI CHI together FOREVERMORE]

Interiors

I know, I KNOW. But he’s not actually IN it and there are no references to the Marx Brothers and the visually striking poster kept popping up on Prime, so I thought it might be interesting. But I hated it and everyone's terrible haircuts and I want those two silent, weird hours of my life back. I consider myself suitably punished for watching one of his stupid Bergman knockoffs. 

***

[it is the late 70s in a NYC that has NEVER EXISTED]

Geraldine Page: I am white.

Diane Keaton: I am also white.

Mary Beth Hurt: I join you in your whiteness.

Sam Waterston: I am also white and my hair will be whiter still someday. 

The Dad: Hello, my white family. I am leaving your mother to continue to be white elsewhere. But I will not divorce her, to keep up WASP appearances.

Geraldine Page: I am heartbroken but I will do no more than slightly grimace. 

[she STARES at some VASES]

Geraldine Page: I have brought you one of my staring vases for your home. It is not white but beige, like everything that surrounds us. Beige is the white of browns. 

Mary Beth Hurt: May I take your beige coat, mother?

Geraldine Page: No need. I will go call your sister, who I like more than you, to see how she’s doing but mostly to talk about myself.

Diane Keaton: Hello, mother. You’ve interrupted my smoking and staring out a window, dressed in a full beige outfit, including sweater, shirt, other shirt, skirt, shoes, coat, hat and shoes.* It is always dark in my home.

Geraldine Page: So dark and so meaningful. 

[they STARE at their RESPECTIVE windows and WALLS for a WHILE]

Diane Keaton: My second book of poetry is difficult to write. I have to see my analyst.

Geraldine Page: Your father left me.

[they QUIETLY HANG UP]

Diane Keaton’s Husband: My second novel is difficult to write.

Everyone: Our problems are relatable. 

[Geraldine Page GOES HOME and CAREFULLY tapes up her DOORS and WINDOWS and TURNS on the GAS and it’s a BUMMER]

Mary Beth Hurt: You attempted suicide. Let’s definitely never talk about it again.

Geraldine Page: I apologize. I felt sad and powerless, much less white than usual.

[she GOES to a CHURCH with her ESTRANGED HUSBAND]

The Dad: I want a real divorce, I think.

[she SCREAMS and KNOCKS over a BUNCH of CANDLES and it was SO LOUD cause I had the VOLUME turned up SO HIGH because all these WHITE PEOPLE can’t SPEAK above a WHISPER]

Another Sister Who Has Never Been Mentioned: I am home from being a movie star, which impresses literally none of you.

Everyone: We are so pretentious that being a movie star seems gross. 

[they GO to the FAMILY BEACH HOUSE to REMIND us that BEING WHITE/BEIGE is HARD]

The Dad: Hello, daughters and various sons-in-law. I have met a woman that, while white, is a lot more normal than your weird-ass mom.

Maureen Stapleton: HELLO EVERYONE! SO NICE TO MEET YOU! WHAT A LOVELY FAMILY! THIS DINNER IS DELICIOUS! YOUR FATHER LOVES DANCING! DO YOU LIKE MY RED DRESS?

Mary Beth Hurt + Diane Keaton aka Beige and Beiger: This is the most disgusting human being I have ever met. 

[they are SUCH BITCHES to her for NO REASON]

Maureen Stapleton: IT’S OK, DEAR, THEY ARE JUST SAD ABOUT THE DIVORCE! I’M UNDERSTANDING!

[she ACCIDENTALLY BREAKS the BEIGE vase in a SYMBOLIC GESTURE]

Mary Beth Hurt: You vulgarian! That’s right, I said it! The cruelest words a WASP could ever speak.

[this SHOCKING DISPLAY of  EMOTION sends EVERYONE to SMOKE and STARE in their RESPECTIVE rooms]

The Movie Star Sister: Hello, Diane Keaton’s husband. I’m just hanging in the garage for no reason. You seem menacingly drunk rather than just white-people silently-sulking drunk.

[he TRIES to RAPE her in SILENCE and it’s FUCKING HORRIBLE and NEVER SPOKEN OF again]

Geraldine Page: I have come to the beach house in the middle of the night to skulk around in a deranged yet dignified way.

Mary Beth Hurt: Mother, why don’t you love me? 

Geraldine Page: [LITERALY WALKS DIRECTLY INTO THE OCEAN]

Mary Beth Hurt: [SILENTLY ATTEMPTS TO SAVE HER]

Sam Waterston: [SILENTLY SAVES MARY BETH HURT]

Maureen Stapleton: [SILENTLY GIVES MBH CPR]

Mary Beth Hurt: I am alive. Mother is dead.

Diane Keaton: Yes. Let us gaze out of this window.

The Movie Star Sister: Let me get in on that.

[they STARE at NOTHING and then place WHITE ROSES on Geraldine Page’s SHINY COFFIN because even in DEATH, COLOR would be TOO VULGAR]

*I'm not kidding, every stich of clothing on these peoples' bodies was beige. This movie was brought to you by Big Beige. But it worked cause now I have like four beige sweaters in my Banana Republic cart. 

Legends of the Fall

This is my family's favorite movie. My dad would always insist on playing the soundtrack on long car rides, making our trips through rural Illinois to visit my grandparents seem majestic and deeply emotional. I was never really a fan (Brad Pitt eats a heart at one point, which is a big no thanks) but I did enjoy this rewatch.

**

[it is MONTANA, in the PAST]
One Stab [in VO]: Hello. I am here to tell you the tale of three brothers. And I thiiiiiink I’m a pretty respectful portrayal of a Native person?
[we HEAR the BACKSTORY of the Ludlow family in which Anthony Hopkins STOPS being an Army Colonel because he HATES the TRAIL OF TEARS and BUILDS a MANSION in the MIDDLE of NOWHERE and has THREE SONS and his WIFE is like “Smell ya later, I’m going back to civilization,” and Strapping Baby Brad Pitt MAIMS a GRIZZLY on an ADVENTURE so you KNOW he’s the COOL one]
One Stab [in VO]: The boys were BFFs and nothing could ever, ever, EVER tear them apart.
[it is LATER]
Elliott from E.T.: Hello, family! I am home from Harvard, and I have brought along my beautiful fiancé, Hubris. I mean “Susannah.”
[Aidan Quinn STARES at her like a SEX MURDERER]
Julia Ormond: What a beautiful landscape! I know I’ll be happy here with my boyish husb- wuh wuh wuh WUHHH?
[Brad Pitt APPEARS across the VISTA on a HORSE, with FLOWING FLAXEN LOCKS and ROUGHSHOD CHARM in TOW]
Julia Ormond: Holy SHIT.
[she LEARNS the WAY of the LAND cause she’s NOT like the OTHER GIRLS]
Anthony Hopkins: [CHOMPING on a GIANT CIGAR] What a treat to have a woman in the house again. Surely this will have no tragic consequences!
[Julia Ormond longingly WATCHES Brad Pitt TAME a WILD and SYMBOLIC horse]
Elliott from E.T.: I have enlisted in the army, due to my idealism.
Anthony Hopkins: You’re a damned fool! You’re the wimpiest one!
Julia Ormond: Please go protect him, Brad Pitt.
[she WEEPS and he HOLDS her in his MUSCULAR grip and they ALMOST KISS]
Aidan Quinn: [LURKING in the SHADOWS] Whaaaa?!
[it is WAR]
Elliott from E.T. [via letter]: It’s very gross here and I keep peeing my pants with fear. Maybe this was a bad idea.
[there are VIOLENT MONTAGES of his BROTHERS not LETTING him do ANYTHING on the field of BATTLE, some of which I FAST-FORWARDED]
Aidan Quinn: Our brother has joined a suicide mission to prove his bravery! You’re supposed to be supervising!
[Elliott DIES, obviously, and Brad Pitt is EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED and maybe EATS his HEART? and EVENTUALLY the BROTHERS return HOME to BEGIN their RIFT]
Aidan Quinn: This is kind of awkward, seeing as you’re basically my brother’s widow, but I love you. Please marry me.
Julia Ormond: :/
[she BONES Brad Pitt INSTEAD and they SPEND a LOT OF TIME brushing their LUSCIOUS LOCKS out of each other’s FACES]
Aidan Quinn: You’ll never make her happy. But you also have to marry her.
Brad Pitt: I will do both of those things.
[he DOES NOT]
Aidan Quinn: I'll show you all! I’m going to Helena to become a capitalist!
[MEANWHILE, Brad Pitt and Julia Ormond HERD cattle and BATHE in RIVERS and have NO FUN EVER, and he is CATATONIC]
Emo Brad Pitt: Since I almost accidentally murdered you because of my PTSD, I’m leaving now. To where I know not.
Julia Ormond: I’ll wait for you forever.*
[he PEACES OUT and the MUSIC is SO LOUD]
One Stab [in VO]: He had to find his destiny, like the rocks that meet the river and the sun shining in the sky and the mountains reaching to the heavens, and the bears feasting on children in the woods.
[Julia Ormond WRITES Brad Pitt LETTERS in her MIND and we see MONTAGES of him being DASHED ABOUT on SHIPS and MURDERING exotic ANIMALS for TUSKS]
Emo Brad Pitt [via LETTER]: I am dead, emotionally. Marry someone else.
Julia Ormond: WEEP.
Aidan Quinn: You always loved him more, Daddy! He stole my girlfriend and he killed our brother.
[Anthony Hopkins ROARS in ANGUISH and has an TRAUMA STROKE and it is SAD]
One Stab [in VO and I just REALIZED that he NEVER actually TALKS]: I heard a stirring in the winds and a beating in the heart of the land and other mystical stuff.
[Brad Pitt CRESTS a HILL yet again with a MILLION HORSES because this ASSHOLE always has to MAKE an ENTRANCE]
Brad Pitt: I’m ho-o-o-me! I shall never explain how I overcame my man pain. Here are some tusks. Look at my hair!
[it is BEAUTIFUL]
The Ranch Hand: Julia Ormond moved to Helena to marry your brother, who finally wore her down. He’s a congressman!
Isabel Two: Welcome home, Brad Pitt. It’s me, the hot daughter of the ranch hand who loved you as a young girl and who wasn’t brought up earlier in this recap because this movie is so long.
Brad Pitt: SCHWING.
[they FALL in LOVE via MONTAGE and get MARRIED and have BEAUTIFUL children]
Ranch Hand: You don’t really have any work skills so maybe become a bootlegger?
[he DOES and doesn’t PLAY by the RULES and the “corporate” BOOTLEGGERS are PISSED, but I wasn’t REALLY paying ATTENTION at this part]
Brad Pitt: Hello, Aidan Quinn and Julia Ormond. Nice to see you at this county fair as I frolic with my perfect family.
[she has ZERO CHILL and it’s like GIRL, get AHOLD of yourself]
Brad Pitt: Tra la, back to the ranch, family!
[they are FOLLOWED by the COPS who are in the POCKETS of the EVIL BOOTLEGGERS(?) and there is a STANDOFF and Isabel Two is KILLED by a ROGUE BULLET and it is HORRIBLE]
Brad Pitt: NOT AGAAAAAAAIN!
[he BEATS everyone UP and GOES to JAIL for a WHILE]
Brad Pitt: I know what I must do.
[there is a STRESSFUL MONTAGE where he and his RANCH BROS go on a MIDNIGHT REVENGE RAID interposed with Julia Ormond WEEPING at HERSELF in the MIRROR and CUTTING OFF her HAIR]
Brad Pitt: [SCALPS the shooter GUY, like I get that you’re MAD but HOLY SHIT, dude]
Julia Ormond: [SHOOTS herself]
Aidan Quinn: I played by all the rules and you played by none of them, and they all loved you more.*
The Evil Bootlegger: We’re here to kill you, Brad Pitt.
Anthony Hopkins: [unintelligible BEAR ROAR]
[the OLD BOY still has some GRIT in him, and SHOOTS most of THEM and then Aidan Quinn SHOOTS the main one UNEXPECTEDLY from BEHIND the HOUSE because the Ludlows will ALWAYS be BROTHERS even when they all BANG the same GIRL]
Aidan Quinn: Let’s have a reconciliation in front of these three corpses. Now let’s go bury them in the woods…as a family.
[they DO that GUY thing where they HUG AGGRESSIVELY and CRY-LAUGH and MEANWHILE the BODIES are just LYING there]
One Stab [VO]: Yes indeed, the body count was high for everyone that loved Brad Pitt. He was the rock they broke themselves against.*
[it is the FUTURE and OLD MAN Brad Pitt is MAULED to DEATH in SLOW MOTION by a GRIZZLY that is MAYBE the SAME one from the BEGINNING of the MOVIE but I’m not an EXPERT on the LIFESPAN of GRIZZLIES]
One Stab [VO]: It was a good death.*
My Family: [LEAPS to their FEET APPLAUDING]

*actual line from movie

Anna Karenina (2012)

Have you guys ever noticed how much Keira Knightley gasps in movies? Seriously, it's a thing. She's like a skittish deer, constantly being happened upon and shrieking. I had a roommate like that once and it was annoying as hell. Look alive, Knightley! 

***

[it is IMPERIALIST RUSSIA, but also a giant THEATER because this MOVIE is HIGH-CONCEPT]

Matthew McFayden: It's me, Sexy Darcy! I grew a hilarious mustache and have strayed from my loyal wife. Little do I know the eventual tragic consequences of my wandering wang.
His Wife: [SOBS HYSTERICALLY]
[he WRITES a LETTER to his BELOVED SISTER to ASK her to come and CHILL OUT his wife]
Keira Knightley: Oh, that scamp! Husband, may I go?
Jude Law: Yes, but I and my receding hairline disapprove.
[she BOARDS a TRAIN bound for MOSCOW, where the THEATER concept is USED CREATIVELY]
Matthew McFayden: Why it's my dear friend, country bumpkin Levin! What brings you to town, old chum?
Domhal Gleeson: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW AND MUST DECLARE MY INTENTIONS, THOUGH LOVE IS PROVINCIAL.
Matthew McFayden: Splendid! But I must warn you, she is in love with a hunk.
Domnhal Gleeson: I MUST SHOW HER MY LOVE AND ALSO MY WIG.
[meanwhile, Keira Knightley GETS OFF the TRAIN and CATCHES a GLIMPSE of an OFFICER in the BLONDEST, CURLIEST WIG ever COMMITTED to film]
Keira Knightley: Gasp! I'm intrigued. But first I must shame my sister-in-law into forgiving my brother.
[she DOES, kind of]
Matthew McFayden: Hurrah! Let's all go to a ball!
Domhal Gleeson: HELLO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, WILL YOU MARRY ME.
Alicia Vikander: Sorry, but no.
Domhal Gleeson: NOW I WILL REJECT ALL FEELINGS AND GO TEND THE FIELDS OF RUSSIA FOREVERMORE.
[the theater OPENS up to SAID FIELDS, kinda DESTROYING the MOVIE'S theater-logic, but it is BEAUTIFUL anyway]
Alicia Vikander: There's my suitor with the flaxen curls! Wait, where is he going?

Count "Original Ramen" Vronsky: I noticed you from across the room, Keira Knightley. Let us dance.
[they do a WEIRD, arm-centric DANCE as the room SPINS FRANTICALLY]
Keira Knightley: Gasp again! My feelings!
[she GAZES in the MIRROR and IMAGINES a FORESHADOWING locomotive RACING at her]
Keira Knightley: Thus begins my storyline, just 20 minutes into the movie.
Count "Platinum Labradoodle" Vronsky: I have followed you to St. Petersburg because I love you. Such is the power of arm-dancing.
Keira Knightley: Do not pursue me at every social event!
[he DOES]
Jude Law: Your not-so-furtive glances at 2002 Justin Timberlake are attracting attention from society.
Keira Knightley: I don't know what you're talking about!
[she GOES to Count "Young Amy March" Vronsky's HOUSE and they BONE]
Keira Knightley: Finally I know happiness! Let us liaise all over St. Petersburg!
[there are MANY super-tight SHOTS of their WIGS TANGLING mid-LOVEMAKING]
Count "But Why is it SO Blonde" Vronsky: I shall race for you, my lady, on my beloved horse.
[he CARESSES the Horse's FLANKS for TOO LONG]
Lady Mary Crawley and that Lady from "The Affair": You are scandalous, Keira, and we love it.
[Count "I Might Be Hot But There’s No Getting Past This" Vronsky FALLS off his HORSE and he has to SHOOT it and it is the most UPSETTING thing to HAPPEN thus far]
Keira Knightley: NOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone: O.M.G.
Jude Law: You have shamed me publicly. I'm furious but my voice will never raise above a whisper.
Keira Knightley: Well, I'm pregnant and it's not yours, because you insist on using a weird 1890s condom.
Jude Law: If only it was 1998. My golden curls would have wiped the goddamn floor with Time-Traveling Spencer Pratt over there. This cuts the deepest.

[he TOUCHES his BALD HEAD sadly]

Jude Law: You are depraved* and can no longer see your son that you never really saw anyway.
Keira Knightley: I am distraught! Also I think that Count "Mama Rose and her Hollywood Blondes" Vronsky is cheating on me!
[she STARTS to DIE in CHILDBIRTH for ATTENTION but is EVENTUALLY fine and has her BABY]
Meanwhile in SUBPLOT-LAND...
Domhal Gleeson: I HAVE TRIED TO SOOTHE MY ANGUISH WITH GRAIN THRASHING BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH. I MUST GO AND TRY TO WIN ALICIA VIKANDER’S HEART AGAIN.
Alicia Vikander: I was a foolish child to love Season Two Felicity instead of you.
[they VISIT and PLAY some kind of SCRABBLE game with GIANT blocks for like, EVER, and I GUESS they AGREE to get MARRIED]
Keira Knightley: I want to rejoin society. I'm not ashamed of what I've done, though I've spent the last 20 minutes of this film weeping.
Count "I'm Just...I'm Out of Ways to Describe it" Vronsky: Yeah...you’re teetering on the edge at all times so maybe that’s not the best idea.
Keira Knightley: I KNEW IT, YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME.
[she IMAGINES him BONING Cara Delevingne, who’s is RANDOMLY in this MOVIE]
Keira Knightley: There is only one way to be at peace.
[she WALKS in SUPER-SLOW MOTION through the THEATER because OH RIGHT, this is in a THEATER and THROWS herself under a TRAIN]
Everyone: [SADNESS MONTAGE]
[a BE-HATTED Jude Law SITS in a FLOWER FIELD while his son and Keira's SCANDAL daughter PLAY]
Director Joe Wright: My concept was amazing until it wasn't. Hope you enjoyed the wig parade.

*actual line from movie

Rebecca (1940)

 

COVID hasn't quite driven me to watch the Netflix version of this movie yet. All I know is that Armie Hammer wears an enormous mustard-colored suit, which is really all I need to hear. Maxim de Winter would NEVER. 

Perhaps Laurence Olivier wore a mustard suit in this version as well, but we'll never know. His suits are just another mystery of this very mysterious film. 

** 

[we OPEN on a BURNED-OUT shell of a MANSION, which is DEFINITELY not a SPOILER]

Joan Fontaine VO: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.* 

[FLASHBACK to Laurence Oliver TEETERING over a ROCKY CLIFF, Winslet-style]

Joan Fontaine: No, please! Don’t do it! 

Laurence Olivier: Who are you? I was having a dramatic moment! 

[she RUNS AWAY and meets up with her Dowager Boss at their FANCY hotel]

Dowager Boss: I’m paying you to be my companion, not climb around on cliffs! Ugh, I hate you. 

Joan Fontaine: It’s OK, I hate me too, for I am the meekest, most self-loathing wet blanket in cinema history. 

Laurence Olivier: Now I am in a tuxedo and feeling all better. And who might you be? 

Joan Fontaine: Oh my, I don't have a name! I don't deserve one. 

Laurence Olivier: Now that we are alone, I must thank you for interrupting my suicide. As a reward I will speak faster than the Micro Machines guy and take you on dates against your will. 

Joan Fontaine: <3

[the Dowager ABRUPTLY decides they have to LEAVE and Joan Fontaine is HEARTBROKEN]

Joan Fontaine: I’m sorry to disturb you while you’re in the shower, but I am going away forever.

Laurence Olivier: Well that won’t do. Why don’t you stay with me?

Joan Fontaine: Do you need a secretary or something?*

Laurence Olivier: I’m asking you to marry me, you little fool.* 

[OBVIOUSLY she cannot RESIST this AMAZING proposal and they are MARRIED]

Dowager Boss: HA! Good luck living up to his first wife, whose death destroyed him. She had a first name. It was...REBECCA.

Joan Fontaine: REBECCA.

[they GO to Manderley, his IMPOSING mansion]

Mrs. Danvers: WELCOME TO THE HOUSE, MADAM. I SHALL BE RUNNING THINGS AS I RAN THEM FOR THE FIRST MRS. DE WINTER.

[she is ICE-COLD and Joan Fontaine is INTIMIDATED but then again, she is INTIMIDATED by literally EVERYTHING]

Mrs. Danvers: I HOPE YOU WILL BE COMFORTABLE IN THIS ROOM. THIS OF COURSE WAS NOT HER ROOM, HER ROOM WAS BETTER. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO IN THAT ROOM.

[Joan Fontaine BREAKS a statue and HIDES the pieces in TERROR even though its TECHNICALLY HER statue now**]

Joan Fontaine: Let’s go for a walk by the sea, darling! Oh no, the dog ran away! I’ll fetch him!

Laurence Olivier: No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[she FOLLOWS the DOG to a CREEPY SHED and is UNSETTLED]

Laurence Olivier: DID YOU GO TO THE SHED

Joan Fontaine: Why are you so angry? What have I done? Why am I such a sentient trash bag?

[he APOLOGIZES like a CLASSIC ABUSER]

Joan Fontaine: I am mysteriously drawn to Rebecca. Perhaps I shall check out the West Wing.

Mrs. Danvers: HELLO. I WAS JUST LURKING BY THE DOOR, AS ONE DOES. I KNEW YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE HER ROOM.

[the ROOM is OPULENT and LITERALLY everything is MONOGRAMMED with an “R” like, we GET IT, Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: LOOK AT HOW SEXY HER NIGHTIE WAS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TOUCH IT? IN ITS SEXY PARTS?

[she FONDLES the NIGHTIE]

Mrs. Danvers: DO YOU THINK THE DEAD WATCH OVER THE LIVING?* I BET SHE WATCHES YOU FUCK AND THINKS YOU’RE BAD AT IT.

Joan Fontaine: Why must you torture me?!

[she PULLS it together, KIND OF, and PLANS a COSTUME BALL to PROVE that she is as FUN as Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: I SUGGEST THAT YOU WEAR THIS TOTALLY ORIGINAL COSTUME THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS EVER WORN AND LOOKED AMAZING IN BEFORE, CERTAINLY NO ONE WHOSE NAMED STARTED WITH AN “R.”

Joan Fontaine: For some reason, I trust you now. Surprise, darling! Look at my costume!

Laurence Olivier: TAKE IT OFF!

Joan Fontaine: You monster! Why do you hate me so?

Mrs. Danvers: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KILL YOURSELF.

[she BECKONS Joan Fontaine to an OPEN WINDOW, but before she can PLUMMET to her DEATH, a boat WASHES up on shore CONTAINING a Rebecca CORPSE]

Joan Fontaine: Darling? Why are you hiding in the creepy shack? This must be so terrible for you. Oh, I know that I can’t measure up to the way you loved her.

Laurence Olivier: You think I loved Rebecca? I hated her!*

Joan Fontaine: Wuhhhh?

Laurence Olivier: Yes. She was a big jerk who loved to party and sleep with her cousins and have abortions. She told me right in this very spot that I could never get away from her, and OH HOW SHE LAUGHED.* And then she fell and banged her head and died and honestly, it was pretty convenient. I put her body in a sailboat and that’s that.

Joan Fontaine: Oh darling, I believe every word of this story!

[there is an INQUEST cause Larry MISIDENTIFIED a different CORPSE that he KNEW wasn’t Rebecca]

Rebecca’s Cousin/Lover: Someone drilled holes in the boat! He’s a murderer!

Laurence Olivier: No! We have to see her doctor!

[they GO TO Rebecca's DOCTOR for some REASON and LEARN that she had INCURABLE CANCER]

The Judge: Well, I guess she just killed herself in the most elaborate way possible. Nothing more to see here!

Everyone: Hooray!

[Laurence Olivier DRIVES home and SEES that Manderley is AFLAME]

Joan Fontaine: It’s Mrs. Danvers! She’s gone mad!

[we SEE Mrs. Danvers FLAIL in the WEST WING as it BURNS because she is a DEVOTED SERVANT and DEFINITELY not BECAUSE she was GAY FOR Rebecca]

*actual line from movie 

**TBH, I would do this too

Annnnnd we're sort-of-back-post: Breakfast at Tiffany's

Remember when I was all "I will save the blog-child and she will thrive"? Like, a year ago? Whoops, sorry about that. Here's something for y'all - a movie from 1967 that we're all sick to death of! Happy holidays?

***

[it is the SWINGING 60’s]
Audrey Hepburn: Croissants and diamonds really go together well. Nom nom.
[she GOES home to her SWEET brownstone and is ASSAULTED by a NERD]
Nerd: Where’d you go, baby? I gave you money for the powder room! You owe meeeee.
[she BUZZES her NEIGHBOR’S buzzer and things get pretty RACIST]
Mickey Rooney: I am Japanese! Miss GoRiiiiiiiiiiigtry!!!
Audrey Hepburn: Hello DARLING! Don’t be cross with me!
[he FORGIVES her, as EVERYONE does]
George Peppard: Hi, I’m new here. Sorry I buzzed you, but I didn’t pick out this apartment for a mysterious reason. Where’s your furniture?
Audrey Hepburn: I’m naked! And sleeping in the middle of the day. Hello, cat! The phone’s in the suitcase! Oh no, I have to go to Sing Sing!
[she RUNS around QUIRKILY]
George Peppard: I am intrigued by this woman- child.
Audrey Hepburn: My DARLING friend Sally has to give me the weather report. It’s innocent! Bye!
[she RUNS off in a GIVENCHY GOWN]
Patricia Neal: Paaaaaul daaaaarling. Do you loooove the house? I couldn’t resiiiiiist.
[she is OLD and LEAVES money on his DRESSER, after they DO IT]
Audrey Hepburn: Hi. I saw your lady john leave money on your dresser. Can I come and lay in bed with you, since we are both subtly whores? I will call you Fred now.
George Peppard: Uh, ok.
Audrey Hepburn: You’re a writer. Why aren’t you writing more? I can’t imagine what could possibly inspire you here.
George Peppard: Keeping my hair perfectly shellacked takes a lot of time. But maybe something around here could be inspirational…
Audrey Hepburn: Darling! Come to my sexy party!
[there is a PERFECT party SCENE involving CAFTANS and GAYS and EYE PATCHES and CRYING into MIRRORS, while Hepburn DUMPS booze on people UNWITTINGLY]
The Guy Who Gets Face-Slashed in Psycho: Ah, that tomato really is something. A real genuine phony.
[the PARTY ends with COPS and Mickey Rooney RACISM, as ALL good PARTIES do]
Audrey Hepburn: [sits on FIRE ESCAPE and sings "Moon River" to SHOW how PERFECT and WOUNDED she is]
George Peppard: Gaaaaaaaze. Oh, my lady john is here.
Patricia Neal: Daaaaarling…there is a strange maaaaan outside your apartment building. I think my husband hired goons to waaaaatch you.
George Peppard: I’ll put a stop to this!
[he GOES to MENACE the MAN though he could not be LESS menacing]
Man in Stetson: Hi there, son. I’m here for my wife, Lulu Mae. Let me tell you the backstory, while I eat this Cracker Jack.
[he tells a LONG and BORING story about how Hepburn was a HICK who MARRIED an OLD DUDE when she was like NINE, but RAN AWAY to be a CITY floozy]
Man in Stetson: Also, I’ve been takin’ care of her dumdum brother, and I can’t do that no more. He’ll have to go into the army.
George Peppard: Though I have known Holly for roughly five minutes, I am somehow personally betrayed by this story. I will bring you to her!
Audrey Hepburn: I just CAN’T go back with you, darling! Here’s some money for my beloved dimwit brother. Take care of him.
[they put Stetson on a BUS to the STRAINS of "Moon River"]
Audrey Hepburn: I feel guilt and want to get drunk. Let’s go watch some 60s-bodied strippers.
[they DO and she acts like a JERK]
Audrey Hepburn: Sorry I was a jerk last night. It’s just my jam. Let’s spend the day doing new things! Isn’t it great how we are both whores and don’t have to worry about day jobs?
[they STEAL from a five-and-ten, go to the LIBRARY and harass Mr. Banks at TIFFANYS where they get a CRACKER JACK ring ENGRAVED]
George Peppard: Everything is amazing. Now I will kiss her into a camera smeared with Vaseline. And break up with my lady john.
Patricia Neal: Oh, so it’s like thaaaaat, huh?
[she BURNS him in an ELEGANT way and you SUDDENLY wish the WHOLE movie was about HER]
George Peppard: I love you, Holly!
Audrey Hepburn: Oh darling, don’t be silly, I couldn’t possibly be with you. I have to marry for money!
[she GETS herself ENGAGED to a HOT, RICH Brazilian dude]
George Peppard: Nerd rage!
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME later…]
Audrey Hepburn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Hot Brazilian Dude: Please to help, man resembling Ken doll! The weird woman-child is loco!
[he FINDS her DESTROYING her APARTMENT because her BROTHER is DEAD and it is SAD, but also, maybe Audrey Hepburn isn’t SUPER great at ACTING?]
George Peppard: I’m sorry about your brother. Let’s hang out one more time before you go to Brazil.
[they have a PLEASANT time, but then she gets ARRESTED for the MOB thing that happened like, HOURS ago]
George Peppard: I bailed you out of jail because I am a classic “nice guy” who thinks he’s being a great friend but is really just trying to blackmail you into loving him. Anyway, your filthy foreign fiancé is dumping you because you are scandalous.
Audrey Hepburn: Whatever. I’ll go to Brazil anyway and have an adventure.
George Peppard: No! You have to stay here, because you belong to me, because I am a creep!
Audrey Hepburn: No! I am free, just like the nameless cat!
[she LETS the CAT out of the CAB and then INSTANTLY runs after it]
Audrey Hepburn: This rain-soaked cat has made me realize that I love you.
[they MAKE out and I hope that he SELLS a STORY or SOMETHING, because they are STILL both WHORES]

 

The Skin I Live In

[it is TOLEDO 2012]
Vera: I do my yoga. I wear a bodysuit. I make folk art. I am very beautiful. But I am a prisoner. Or maybe I am crazy? No one is sure yet.
Marilia: Si. Here is some food in the dumbwaiter for you, since I cannot enter your room.
[it is a MEDICAL CONFERENCE]
Antonio Banderas: I made some super skin and also I am super sexy! Okay, but seriously, this skin is crazy. It can't be burned, and it's impenetrable to mosquitoes.
Colleague: Hold on...how did you test this skin?
Antonio Banderas: On...uh...mice.
[meanwhile, at his GORGEOUS COMPOUND]
Antonio Banderas: Can you feel this blowtorch?
Vera: No.
[she CUTS herself with PAPER because she is not allowed ANYTHING SHARP]
Antonio Banderas: Your skin is so soft.* Now I will repair you again, to be so, so beautiful.
Marilia: You know she looks just like your dead wife, right?
Antonio Banderas: Uh...no she doesn't.
[there are MANY SHOTS of BEAUTY]
Antonio Banderas: Fire all the servants. It's just you now, Marilia. BRB.
A Man Dressed as a Tiger: Let me in! I'm your son! It's Carnevale, so it's okay that I'm dressed as a tiger.
[he shows his BUTT MOLE to prove it]
Marilia: Oh, my little tiger!*
[she LETS HIM IN]
Zeca, the Tiger: Hey mom. I'm back. Can I just hang out here for a while? No reason.
Conveniently-Placed News Report: Security cameras captured footage of the jewelry heist earlier today.
[it is ZECA, robbin' shit]
Zeca: Aw jeez. Now I have to tie you up so you don't call the cops.
[he sees VERA on the SECURITY TV and LICKS her image and it is REAL CREEPY]
Zeca: Where is she! Where is the key to that room with that beautiful woman in it!?
[he FINDS her and they FIGHT but then he KISSES her]
Zeca: I thought you were dead! When I left, you were on fire!!
Vera: Uh....
Zeca: Okay, well, let's have sex.
Vera: Uh...........
[he RAPES her but Antonio Banderas gets home JUST IN TIME and fucking SHOOTS him]
Marilia: There's a LOT of blood here. These stains will never come out!!
Vera: So, uh, what was that about?
Marilia: Okay, so I know up to this point everything has been very subtle and slightly confusing but in that nice "you figure it out" kind of way? Well, let's leave that to the side for a moment and just straight EXPOSIT some shit. First of all: you look like the dead wife, who had an affair with and also ran away with my son Zeca. Also, Antonio Banderas is my son, but he doesn't know it. Also, his wife was burned in a car crash trying to run off with Zeca. Also, the wife killed herself in front of her daughter (they had a daughter), who also killed herself.
Vera: Whoa.
Marilia: I know.
Antonio Banderas: So...do you want to sleep with me tonight?
Vera: Okay.
[SIX YEARS EARLIER, in a VINTAGE STORE]
Vincente: I'm going to a wedding, you want to come? You should try this dress on.
Cristina: No! And I won't wear that dress. And also I am a lesbian.
Vincente: Maaaaaan! I can't get no play!
Vincente's Mom: Oh, Vincente! Stop pestering the lesbian!
Vincente: Fine, I'm out!
[the wedding is FANCY and SUMPTUOUS and BEAUTIFULLY SHOT]
Antonio Banderas: My daughter seems to be doing all right, even though they let her out of the loony bin to come to this wedding.
Norma: Ha ha! I'm not crazy! NOT CRAZY AT ALL.
Vincente: Who is that not-crazy girl over there? She fine.
[they go for a WALK in the WOODS]
Vincente: I am SUPER HIGH right now. Let's have sex!
[he CLIMBS around ON TOP of her]
Norma: Uhhhhh...
[she hears the SONG that she was SINGING when she saw her mother FALL to her DEATH]
Norma: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MY MEMORIES!!!!!!
Vincente: Shit! This girl is now crazy. I better run!
Antonio Banderas: Mija! What happened?!
Norma: AAAAAAHHHH RAPIST!!!!
[she goes back to the CRAZY PEN]
Antonio Banderas: Are you okay?
[she WAILS and goes in the CLOSET]
Doctor: She thinks you raped her. You should probably stop coming to see her.
[she KILLS herself]
Antonio Banderas: She is dead because that kid at the wedding raped her. VENDETTA TIME.
Vincente: La, la, la, drivin' my scooter...hey!
[there is a SCARY VAN trying to RUN HIM off the ROAD]
Antonio Banderas in a Creepy Mask: Sedatives! BOOM. NOW YOU ARE KIDNAPPED.
[he LOCKS him in a CAVE]
Vincente: What is happening? Why am I in a cave?? What the hell???
Antonio Banderas: Here's some water, but no explanations.
[he keeps him CAPTIVE for a while, then CHLOROFORMS him]
Antonio Banderas: Hey, doctor friends. We have a secret surgery to do.
Colleague: Huh. Seems like a weird procedure.
Antonio Banderas: He knows exactly what he wants.*
[they OPERATE on him in the SECRET OPERATING ROOM]
Vincente: What...what happened?
Antonio Banderas: Oh, you have a vagina now.
Vincente: Wait...what?
Antonio Banderas: YA BURNT. DON'T RAPE PEOPLE'S DAUGHTERS.
Vincente: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiit.
[Antonio Banderas performs MANY EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURES on him until he looks like THE DEAD WIFE]
Antonio Banderas: I can't keep calling you Vincente. You are too beautiful. I will call you Vera, a name FILLED WITH MEANING.
Vera: Well, I want to die.
[she SLITS her own THROAT]
Antonio Banderas: You can never get away from me. Look, I fixed your throat. Now you are my prisoner. My revenge is vast.
[it is the PRESENT]
Colleague: So, uh...I just noticed this story in the paper about this guy who disappeared six years ago - did you...did we turn him into a woman?
Antonio Banderas: No! No. Don't be silly.
Marilia: We have to kill her! EVERYONE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
Vera: But I promised never to leave him.
Antonio Banderas: She promised! See? Everything's cool. Take her shopping, would you?
Marilia: What? Okay.
[they go SHOPPING and Vera buys the DRESS that Vincente liked]
Vera: I have to go get the lube if you want to have sex with me, in my fake vagina, that you created.
Antonio Banderas: That is so fucked up. Go get it!
[she gets the LUBE but also A GUN]
Antonio Banderas: But you promised you'd never leave me.
Vera: I lied.*
[she just fucking SHOOTS HIM DEAD]
Marilia: What! My son!
Vera: I'm under the bed, bitch!
[she SHOOTS her too]
Vera: Now I am revenged for six years of torture, and also being made into a woman.
[s/he returns to the VINTAGE STORE]
Vera: Hey Cristina. I'm back.
Cristina: Bokayyyyyy. You fine.
Vera: I'm Vincente.
Vincente's Mom: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
[FIN]

Guest Post: Reality Bites

Oh hey guys! This blog still exists! Frequent guest poster and keeper-of-the-flame Laura McClain wrote something so we don't look like total slackers! Thank god. She notes, however:

I should add the disclaimer that I loved this movie in college, and I still kind of like it now, even though it is the predecessor to "Rent", by which I mean one cannot watch it as an adult without having minor rage-strokes. You know you're an adult when you scream "get a fucking job, you hippies!" about 30 times in the viewing of one movie. I weep for my youth.

Anna again. I just noticed that this poster is so 90s. "buzz words." "channel surfing." Amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the EARLY 90s like WHOA]

Winona Ryder: Fellow graduates! How can we repair the damage that's been done to us by commercial culture? Heed my hipster call to action!

[the CORE group of friends PARTY on a ROOF, documentary-style. A CLOVERFIELD MONSTER does not ATTACK them]

Steve Zahn: Graduation, woo!

Janeane Garafolo: Conjunction junction what's your function?

[she SLEEPS with SOME dude in her 70s-THEMED bedroom and ADDS him to her EFF LIST]

Ethan Hawke: I'm coming to crash on your couch without asking and with no intention of ever paying rent, ever.

Winona Ryder: He will turn this house into a den of slack.*

Ethan Hawke: HOW DARE YOU. I am ABOVE getting a fucking JOB and you should know that!

[he FONDLES his GREASY hair and SMOKES some WEED]

Janeane Garafolo: I'm a manager at the GAP now! Look at me sell these easy-fits! It's liberating, isn't it?*

[she and Winona DRIVE and SING and CAUSE a CAR ACCIDENT with YUPPIE Ben Stiller]

Winona Ryder: Don't sue me, please! I'm poor and have an adorable haircut!

Ben Stiller: I am taken with your youthful idealism.

[he TAKES her on a DATE and Ethan Hawke MOCKS him though he has NO LEG to STAND on, EVER]

Winona Ryder: Hey boss, can I feature my sensitive hipster documentary on your chipper morning show aimed at the elderly? Now THAT'S understanding your target audience!

John Mahoney: Just give me my fucking cup of coffee.

[she TRICKS him into SAYING he likes VERY YOUNG GIRLS on-air and is FIRED]

Winona Ryder: No biggie! I was valedictorian, I can get another job! We're not even in a recession (yet).

[she TRIES and FAILS]

Swoozie Kurtz: Honey, just get a job at the Burger-Matic!

Winona Ryder: Noooooooo! Unexpected David Spade cameo!

[there are NUMEROUS references to SELLING OUT though NOBODY seems to KNOW what that MEANS]

Janeane Garafolo: Can you maybe pay some rent? And stop calling psychics on 800 numbers? (90s!)

Winona Ryder: FINE. I'll just use the gas card my dad is paying for to get some cash. Integrity?

Janeane Garafolo: I'm scared that I have AIDS and my funeral will be like a scene out of "Melrose Place."

Winona Ryder: "Melrose Place" is a REALLY good show.*

[they LAUGH because of FRIENDSHIP]

Ben Stiller: I sold your documentary to my aggressively hip MTV-style TV channel!

Winona Ryder: Hooray!

Ethan Hawke: NOOOOOO! SELLOUTS!!!!

Steve Zahn: Time to come out to my parents. I am still in this movie.

[he and Janeane REHEARSE his COMING OUT and it RULES]

Steve Zahn: Got kicked out of my house. Not super fun in real life.

Ben Stiller: Time for the documentary premiere!

Winona: I bought a new babydoll dress!

Ethan Hawke: You look like a doily.*

Winona Ryder: I should really hate you so, so much, but I don't?

[they GO to SEE the MOVIE and its INTEGRITY has been DESTROYED by a PIZZA GRAPHIC]

Winona Ryder: MY IDEALISM!!!

Ethan Hawke: Time to swoop in for the kill. I love you. [he GIVES PUPPY DOG EYES]

[they DO IT and his HAIR is SO GREASY, I can't EVEN HANDLE it, YOU GUYS]

Winona Ryder: That was so great. Everything is perfect now!

Ethan Hawke: [HIPSTER FREAKOUT]

Ben Stiller: I'm so sorry that I didn't protect the integrity of your stupid movie. Let's go to New York and fix this. I literally could not be a better boyfriend.

Ethan Hawke: Hey, bitch. Sorry I bailed this morning, but not really. I'm probably going to be mean to you, always. And possibly set your house on fire. Peace out.

[he DEDICATES a RUDE and OBSCENE song to HER, because he is PREDICTABLY in a TERRIBLE BAND]

Winona Ryder: WHOM SHALL I CHOOSE???

[she PINES in MONTAGE FORM and MISTAKES several GREASE MONKEYS for Ethan, whilst SMOKING all the CIGARETTES]

Winona Ryder: I must go to him!

Ethan Hawke: Hey, I'm back. My dad died. I guess this is supposed to excuse my behavior? Maybe? I love you, I guess. Whatever.

[he CRIES and it is DISGUSTING]

Winona Ryder: I have totally made the right decision.

[they MOVE OUT of the APARTMENT, presumably because they can no longer AFFORD it]

Me: [Throws LAPTOP across ROOM]

Oscar Watch '09: Rachel Getting Married

Well, since Anne Hathaway's already won the Golden Globe, I think it's fair to put this one on Oscar Watch. So good!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is AMERICA]

Anne Hathaway: Rehab. Bye.

Her Dad: Hi, sweetie! Are you ready to go directly from rehab to your sister's insane, multi-day, multi-ethnic, super-awesome, but also highly stressful wedding?

Anne Hathaway: Not really. But at least my hair looks fierce.

Rosemarie DeWitt: I'm so glad to see you! But my friend, with the asymmetric nostrils and stick up her ass, is not. Let's tell a story about Elvis Stojko, though.

Anne Hathaway: I gotta go to Narcotics

Anonymous.

[she KNOCKS OVER a bunch of CHAIRS]

Anne Hathaway: Cocksucker!*

Guy Who is Talking: Just the once, my dealer. I was really broke.*

[the RECOVERING ADDICTS laugh because it's FUNNY because it's TRUE]

Guy Who is Talking: Hi. Oh, by the way, I'm just in town for a wedding.

[he turns out to be the BEST MAN and they BONE under the HOUSE]

Anne Hathaway: This is a great tradition! The best man and maid of honor boning.

Best Man: Uh...isn't your sister's lame friend the maid of honor?

[there is a HUGE ARGUMENT]

Rosemarie DeWitt: Fine! Fine. Whatever. Can we just do the wedding?

[they have a SWEET TALENT SHOW where all the guests do SOMETHING AWESOME]

The Guy from TV on the Radio: Thanks, guests.

[someone mentions a CHILD that DIED and you start to WONDER about it]

Anne Hathaway: Is Mom coming to the rehearsal dinner?

Rosemarie DeWitt: Yes. Please don't embarrass me or make this about you.

Anne Hathaway: I won't.

[she DOES]

Debra Winger: Hi, girls.

[there is MAD TENSION]

Anne Hathaway: I have to go to NA again.

[she tells how she was RESPONSIBLE for the DEATH of her little BROTHER and it is AWFUL]

The Dad: I bet I can fill the dishwasher faster than you.

The Guy from TV on the Radio: Oh yeah?

[they have a DISHWASHER RACE, but they find the BROTHER'S plate and everyone gets SAD]

Rosemarie DeWitt: You always make this about you!

Anne Hathaway: Fine! I'm leaving!

[she goes to her MOM'S house and PUNCHES her mom]

Anne Hathaway: Gaaaaah!

[she drives her CAR into a TREE]

Rosemarie DeWitt: Hey. Time for me to get married.

[she DOES, and it is BEAUTIFUL]

The Manchurian Candidate (2004)

[it is the GULF WAR...the first one]
Liev Schreiber: AAAAA! SOLDIER THINGS!
[he SAVES some people, or so it SEEMS]
Denzel: And that's how he got this medal, even though I am the one giving the talk about it.
Crazy Guy: DO YOU HAVE DREAMS? ABOUT THE WAR?
Denzel: Uh...
[he DOES, and they are TERRIFYING]
Television Reports: The leading choice for Vice Presidential nominee is Jon Voight.
Meryl Streep: Pick my son. DO IT. I am STREEP and YOU MUST OBEY.
Television Reports: This just in - Liev Schreiber is now the VP nominee.
Denzel: I don't think he's actually a hero. Based solely on my dreams and the rantings of a crazy dude.
[he meets a CUTE GIRL on the TRAIN, though he acts SUPER SKETCHY all the time]
Denzel: They're watching me! Something weird is going on!
[he finds a CHIP or something in his SHOULDER but it falls down the DRAIN]
Denzel: I must get more evidence!
[he BITES Liev Schreiber and gets the CHIP from HIM]
Liev Schreiber: WTF?
[he gets a PHONE CALL that turns out to be the ACTIVATION of his BRAINWASHING]
Scary Doctor: Now we will drill into your brain.
Denzel: Now I will do research on microfiche, because it is way more interesting than Googling!
[he finds out some CONSPIRACY INFORMATION]
Cute Girl from Train: Are you okay?
Denzel: I'm taking this to the Feds!
Cute Girl from Train: I AM THE FEDS.*
Meryl Streep: This is unacceptable!!
[it turns out that she is BEHIND IT ALL]
Denzel: Look! I have evidence that we have been brainwashed!
Jon Voight: I believe you, son.
[he goes KAYAKING but is KILLED by a BRAINWASHED Liev Schreiber]
Jon Voight's Daughter: Dad? Dad? Wait, it's my ex-boyfriend...killing my dad!! Whaaaa!!
Liev Schreiber: Must...eliminate...witnesses...
[he KILLS her too and it is SAD]
Denzel: Seriously! There's evidence!
Liev Schreiber: Oh...shit. Oh, wait, my mom is on the phone and she wants to talk to you.
Meryl Streep: DO AS I SAYYYYY
[Denzel is turned into an ASSASSIN via the BRAINWASHING]
Television Report: It's our new President-elect, and his hot young Vice President-elect!
Meryl Streep: Just make sure you stand on your mark, sweetheart. Then the assassin will shoot the president, and not you. I did this for you, baby. FOR YOU.
[she KISSES him in a REALLY NON-MOTHERLY WAY]
Liev Schreiber: I know I have been brainwashed. Weep weep.
[he does NOT stand on his MARK, but instead LOOKS at Denzel REALLY MEANINGFULLY and Denzel SHOOTS him and his mother SIMULTAENOUSLY]
Denzel: I have saved the day. But I am sad about it.
Cute Girl from Train Who is Also a Federal Agent: Thanks.