Spencer

This one was kind of a toughie. I didn’t HATE it, but there were many times when I was like “BITCH JUST GO TO DINNER,” and then felt insensitive to Diana’s mental health struggles. Sometimes it’s hard to make ourselves do things that on the surface seem very easy! And I guess if she had actually GONE to dinner we wouldn’t have much of a movie, because about 90% of it is her psyching herself up to go to dinner and then not doing it. And the food didn’t look good, but still. Try to go to dinner, babe. This weekend will be over soon. 

***

[it is the EARLY 90s but ALSO some kind of DREAMLIKE ASTRAL PLANE]

KStew: Alas, it is time to attend the annual Windsor Family Christmas Extravaganza. And I’m lost, again. Symbolically. 
[she DRIVES in a CONVERTIBLE as her wig FLUTTERS in the BREEZE and STOPS to ask for DIRECTIONS, a PAINFUL reminder of LIFE pre-Siri]
KStew: Hello, can anyone tell me where your neighborhood castle is?
British Diner Patrons: [STARE in SILENCE]
KStew: Right-ho. 
[she HAPPENS UPON a scarecrow in a FIELD and STARES at it while LOOKING WOUNDED]
The Castle Chef: Hello, your highness. I’m just out on a quail-scavenging trip or something. Allow me to escort you to your weekend of good old-fashioned family togetherness.
KStew: Fuuuuuck.
Stern Butler: Ugh, it's you. Time for the annual Windsor Good-Time Eating Disorder Activator. One must gain three pounds this weekend. For the fun of it all. 
[she SITS on a SCALE because this FAMILY is TAILOR-MADE to TRIGGER her]
Sally Hawkins: Your highness! I have been assigned as your dresser again this Christmas. DO NOT LET THEM BREAK YOU. 
KStew: THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE
[she SEES a BOOK about Anne Boleyn in her ROOM which, is a real TROLL by the Royal Family]
Prince Chuckles: Happy Christmas Eve. Here are some pearls.
KStew. Thx I guess. 
The Entire Royal Family: [sits in judgmental silence]
[KStew IMAGINES DUMPING her pearls into her PEA soup and CHOMPING them up, which actually LOOKS like an IMPROVEMENT to that Nickelodeon SLIME MONSTROSITY]
Wills and Harry: Mummy! Happy Christmas!
[she GIVES them normal-kid PRESENTS which is NICE because they probably GET like, BREECHES and HAUNTED PALACES from their grandparents]
KStew: My childhood manor is right ‘round the bend. Perhaps I will go there, in the middle of the night. 
[she ALMOST gets SHOT by palace guards for her SKULKING]
[it is CHRISTMAS MORNING and she WEARS a HAT and LOOKS DOWNTRODDEN when she SEES Camilla]
Prince Chuckles: Can you maybe chill out a little and stop being late to everything and speaking in like, vague metaphors?
KStew: [SLAMS her HANDS on the pool table in IMPOTENT RAGE]
Prince Chuckles: I’m going to take our gentle sons pheasant hunting tomorrow morning to make them more like me.
Some Maid: I am here with yet more dresses for you to wear, ma’am. 
KStew: WHERE IS MY BFF SALLY HAWKINS, DON’T YOU SEE I’M HANGING ON BY A THREAD.
Some Maid: Chuckles has sent her away. For your own good. And we’ve stapled  your curtains closed so no one can see in. Also for your own good. 
KStew: I simply can’t go to dinner, even in this amazing gown. They’ll kill me like they did Anne Boleyn! 
[she IMAGINES CUTTING her ARM with a SEAM RIPPER as the AUDIENCE SCREAMS]
Literally Everyone: Time for dinner. 
KStew: I CANNOT.
[she PUTS on the SCARECROW coat and GOES to her DUSTY CHILDHOOD home where she HALLUCINATES her YOUTHFUL self and CONTEMPLATES THROWING herself down the STAIRS which is her SIGNATURE MOVE]
Sally Hawkins: I’ve been called back because everyone knows you’re losing it like whoa. Let’s go to the beach. I am in love with you.
KStew: [LAUGHS with DELIGHT and it’s CUTE]

KStew: Knowing I am loved has given me confidence. I will rescue my children from the pheasant shoot! And put my yellow princess suit on that scarecrow in an astonishing act of symbolism! 

[she TAKES Wills and Harry to KFC in her SPORTS car and it’s a JARRING reminder that it’s the 90s and not OLDEN TIMES]

Rebecca (1940)

 

COVID hasn't quite driven me to watch the Netflix version of this movie yet. All I know is that Armie Hammer wears an enormous mustard-colored suit, which is really all I need to hear. Maxim de Winter would NEVER. 

Perhaps Laurence Olivier wore a mustard suit in this version as well, but we'll never know. His suits are just another mystery of this very mysterious film. 

** 

[we OPEN on a BURNED-OUT shell of a MANSION, which is DEFINITELY not a SPOILER]

Joan Fontaine VO: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.* 

[FLASHBACK to Laurence Oliver TEETERING over a ROCKY CLIFF, Winslet-style]

Joan Fontaine: No, please! Don’t do it! 

Laurence Olivier: Who are you? I was having a dramatic moment! 

[she RUNS AWAY and meets up with her Dowager Boss at their FANCY hotel]

Dowager Boss: I’m paying you to be my companion, not climb around on cliffs! Ugh, I hate you. 

Joan Fontaine: It’s OK, I hate me too, for I am the meekest, most self-loathing wet blanket in cinema history. 

Laurence Olivier: Now I am in a tuxedo and feeling all better. And who might you be? 

Joan Fontaine: Oh my, I don't have a name! I don't deserve one. 

Laurence Olivier: Now that we are alone, I must thank you for interrupting my suicide. As a reward I will speak faster than the Micro Machines guy and take you on dates against your will. 

Joan Fontaine: <3

[the Dowager ABRUPTLY decides they have to LEAVE and Joan Fontaine is HEARTBROKEN]

Joan Fontaine: I’m sorry to disturb you while you’re in the shower, but I am going away forever.

Laurence Olivier: Well that won’t do. Why don’t you stay with me?

Joan Fontaine: Do you need a secretary or something?*

Laurence Olivier: I’m asking you to marry me, you little fool.* 

[OBVIOUSLY she cannot RESIST this AMAZING proposal and they are MARRIED]

Dowager Boss: HA! Good luck living up to his first wife, whose death destroyed him. She had a first name. It was...REBECCA.

Joan Fontaine: REBECCA.

[they GO to Manderley, his IMPOSING mansion]

Mrs. Danvers: WELCOME TO THE HOUSE, MADAM. I SHALL BE RUNNING THINGS AS I RAN THEM FOR THE FIRST MRS. DE WINTER.

[she is ICE-COLD and Joan Fontaine is INTIMIDATED but then again, she is INTIMIDATED by literally EVERYTHING]

Mrs. Danvers: I HOPE YOU WILL BE COMFORTABLE IN THIS ROOM. THIS OF COURSE WAS NOT HER ROOM, HER ROOM WAS BETTER. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO IN THAT ROOM.

[Joan Fontaine BREAKS a statue and HIDES the pieces in TERROR even though its TECHNICALLY HER statue now**]

Joan Fontaine: Let’s go for a walk by the sea, darling! Oh no, the dog ran away! I’ll fetch him!

Laurence Olivier: No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[she FOLLOWS the DOG to a CREEPY SHED and is UNSETTLED]

Laurence Olivier: DID YOU GO TO THE SHED

Joan Fontaine: Why are you so angry? What have I done? Why am I such a sentient trash bag?

[he APOLOGIZES like a CLASSIC ABUSER]

Joan Fontaine: I am mysteriously drawn to Rebecca. Perhaps I shall check out the West Wing.

Mrs. Danvers: HELLO. I WAS JUST LURKING BY THE DOOR, AS ONE DOES. I KNEW YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE HER ROOM.

[the ROOM is OPULENT and LITERALLY everything is MONOGRAMMED with an “R” like, we GET IT, Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: LOOK AT HOW SEXY HER NIGHTIE WAS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TOUCH IT? IN ITS SEXY PARTS?

[she FONDLES the NIGHTIE]

Mrs. Danvers: DO YOU THINK THE DEAD WATCH OVER THE LIVING?* I BET SHE WATCHES YOU FUCK AND THINKS YOU’RE BAD AT IT.

Joan Fontaine: Why must you torture me?!

[she PULLS it together, KIND OF, and PLANS a COSTUME BALL to PROVE that she is as FUN as Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: I SUGGEST THAT YOU WEAR THIS TOTALLY ORIGINAL COSTUME THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS EVER WORN AND LOOKED AMAZING IN BEFORE, CERTAINLY NO ONE WHOSE NAMED STARTED WITH AN “R.”

Joan Fontaine: For some reason, I trust you now. Surprise, darling! Look at my costume!

Laurence Olivier: TAKE IT OFF!

Joan Fontaine: You monster! Why do you hate me so?

Mrs. Danvers: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KILL YOURSELF.

[she BECKONS Joan Fontaine to an OPEN WINDOW, but before she can PLUMMET to her DEATH, a boat WASHES up on shore CONTAINING a Rebecca CORPSE]

Joan Fontaine: Darling? Why are you hiding in the creepy shack? This must be so terrible for you. Oh, I know that I can’t measure up to the way you loved her.

Laurence Olivier: You think I loved Rebecca? I hated her!*

Joan Fontaine: Wuhhhh?

Laurence Olivier: Yes. She was a big jerk who loved to party and sleep with her cousins and have abortions. She told me right in this very spot that I could never get away from her, and OH HOW SHE LAUGHED.* And then she fell and banged her head and died and honestly, it was pretty convenient. I put her body in a sailboat and that’s that.

Joan Fontaine: Oh darling, I believe every word of this story!

[there is an INQUEST cause Larry MISIDENTIFIED a different CORPSE that he KNEW wasn’t Rebecca]

Rebecca’s Cousin/Lover: Someone drilled holes in the boat! He’s a murderer!

Laurence Olivier: No! We have to see her doctor!

[they GO TO Rebecca's DOCTOR for some REASON and LEARN that she had INCURABLE CANCER]

The Judge: Well, I guess she just killed herself in the most elaborate way possible. Nothing more to see here!

Everyone: Hooray!

[Laurence Olivier DRIVES home and SEES that Manderley is AFLAME]

Joan Fontaine: It’s Mrs. Danvers! She’s gone mad!

[we SEE Mrs. Danvers FLAIL in the WEST WING as it BURNS because she is a DEVOTED SERVANT and DEFINITELY not BECAUSE she was GAY FOR Rebecca]

*actual line from movie 

**TBH, I would do this too

Annnnnd we're sort-of-back-post: Breakfast at Tiffany's

Remember when I was all "I will save the blog-child and she will thrive"? Like, a year ago? Whoops, sorry about that. Here's something for y'all - a movie from 1967 that we're all sick to death of! Happy holidays?

***

[it is the SWINGING 60’s]
Audrey Hepburn: Croissants and diamonds really go together well. Nom nom.
[she GOES home to her SWEET brownstone and is ASSAULTED by a NERD]
Nerd: Where’d you go, baby? I gave you money for the powder room! You owe meeeee.
[she BUZZES her NEIGHBOR’S buzzer and things get pretty RACIST]
Mickey Rooney: I am Japanese! Miss GoRiiiiiiiiiiigtry!!!
Audrey Hepburn: Hello DARLING! Don’t be cross with me!
[he FORGIVES her, as EVERYONE does]
George Peppard: Hi, I’m new here. Sorry I buzzed you, but I didn’t pick out this apartment for a mysterious reason. Where’s your furniture?
Audrey Hepburn: I’m naked! And sleeping in the middle of the day. Hello, cat! The phone’s in the suitcase! Oh no, I have to go to Sing Sing!
[she RUNS around QUIRKILY]
George Peppard: I am intrigued by this woman- child.
Audrey Hepburn: My DARLING friend Sally has to give me the weather report. It’s innocent! Bye!
[she RUNS off in a GIVENCHY GOWN]
Patricia Neal: Paaaaaul daaaaarling. Do you loooove the house? I couldn’t resiiiiiist.
[she is OLD and LEAVES money on his DRESSER, after they DO IT]
Audrey Hepburn: Hi. I saw your lady john leave money on your dresser. Can I come and lay in bed with you, since we are both subtly whores? I will call you Fred now.
George Peppard: Uh, ok.
Audrey Hepburn: You’re a writer. Why aren’t you writing more? I can’t imagine what could possibly inspire you here.
George Peppard: Keeping my hair perfectly shellacked takes a lot of time. But maybe something around here could be inspirational…
Audrey Hepburn: Darling! Come to my sexy party!
[there is a PERFECT party SCENE involving CAFTANS and GAYS and EYE PATCHES and CRYING into MIRRORS, while Hepburn DUMPS booze on people UNWITTINGLY]
The Guy Who Gets Face-Slashed in Psycho: Ah, that tomato really is something. A real genuine phony.
[the PARTY ends with COPS and Mickey Rooney RACISM, as ALL good PARTIES do]
Audrey Hepburn: [sits on FIRE ESCAPE and sings "Moon River" to SHOW how PERFECT and WOUNDED she is]
George Peppard: Gaaaaaaaze. Oh, my lady john is here.
Patricia Neal: Daaaaarling…there is a strange maaaaan outside your apartment building. I think my husband hired goons to waaaaatch you.
George Peppard: I’ll put a stop to this!
[he GOES to MENACE the MAN though he could not be LESS menacing]
Man in Stetson: Hi there, son. I’m here for my wife, Lulu Mae. Let me tell you the backstory, while I eat this Cracker Jack.
[he tells a LONG and BORING story about how Hepburn was a HICK who MARRIED an OLD DUDE when she was like NINE, but RAN AWAY to be a CITY floozy]
Man in Stetson: Also, I’ve been takin’ care of her dumdum brother, and I can’t do that no more. He’ll have to go into the army.
George Peppard: Though I have known Holly for roughly five minutes, I am somehow personally betrayed by this story. I will bring you to her!
Audrey Hepburn: I just CAN’T go back with you, darling! Here’s some money for my beloved dimwit brother. Take care of him.
[they put Stetson on a BUS to the STRAINS of "Moon River"]
Audrey Hepburn: I feel guilt and want to get drunk. Let’s go watch some 60s-bodied strippers.
[they DO and she acts like a JERK]
Audrey Hepburn: Sorry I was a jerk last night. It’s just my jam. Let’s spend the day doing new things! Isn’t it great how we are both whores and don’t have to worry about day jobs?
[they STEAL from a five-and-ten, go to the LIBRARY and harass Mr. Banks at TIFFANYS where they get a CRACKER JACK ring ENGRAVED]
George Peppard: Everything is amazing. Now I will kiss her into a camera smeared with Vaseline. And break up with my lady john.
Patricia Neal: Oh, so it’s like thaaaaat, huh?
[she BURNS him in an ELEGANT way and you SUDDENLY wish the WHOLE movie was about HER]
George Peppard: I love you, Holly!
Audrey Hepburn: Oh darling, don’t be silly, I couldn’t possibly be with you. I have to marry for money!
[she GETS herself ENGAGED to a HOT, RICH Brazilian dude]
George Peppard: Nerd rage!
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME later…]
Audrey Hepburn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Hot Brazilian Dude: Please to help, man resembling Ken doll! The weird woman-child is loco!
[he FINDS her DESTROYING her APARTMENT because her BROTHER is DEAD and it is SAD, but also, maybe Audrey Hepburn isn’t SUPER great at ACTING?]
George Peppard: I’m sorry about your brother. Let’s hang out one more time before you go to Brazil.
[they have a PLEASANT time, but then she gets ARRESTED for the MOB thing that happened like, HOURS ago]
George Peppard: I bailed you out of jail because I am a classic “nice guy” who thinks he’s being a great friend but is really just trying to blackmail you into loving him. Anyway, your filthy foreign fiancé is dumping you because you are scandalous.
Audrey Hepburn: Whatever. I’ll go to Brazil anyway and have an adventure.
George Peppard: No! You have to stay here, because you belong to me, because I am a creep!
Audrey Hepburn: No! I am free, just like the nameless cat!
[she LETS the CAT out of the CAB and then INSTANTLY runs after it]
Audrey Hepburn: This rain-soaked cat has made me realize that I love you.
[they MAKE out and I hope that he SELLS a STORY or SOMETHING, because they are STILL both WHORES]

 

Guest (But Let's Be Real She is the Only One Keeping This Thing Alive) Post: Sunset Boulevard

Ever since I largely abandoned this blog for my much-more-popular Star Trek fashion blog, Laura McClain has been reprimanding me for neglecting it. From time to time she tells me I should write one (I just saw the new Bond movie and HOO BOY is that one begging to get the UCM treatment), and I say "I totally will!!!" and then don't. Then she sends me one and shows me how it's done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is Hollywood in the 1950s, where “Every Movie’s a Circus” (I HAD TO, YOU GUYS)]

William Holden: I bet you’re wondering how I ended up dead in this pool, right? THIS is how you do a beyond-the-grave narration, Spacey!

[it is a LITTLE BIT earlier]

William Holden: I need to get a writing job. I’m supposed to be living the Hollywood dream!

Some Thugs: You’re behind on your car payments, so we’re here to vaguely menace you.

[he GOES to a FANCY PRODUCER’S office and PITCHES a STUPID-SOUNDING baseball movie but he’s still PRETTY HOT]

Fancy Producer: Eh…..

Betty Schaeffer: Fancy producer, I read this baseball script. It’s pretty retarded. Also I yell all of my lines, for no apparent reason.

William Holden: Thanks for nothing, sister.

[he MAKES a SERIES of DESPERATE phone calls to GET a JOB to NO AVAIL]

William Holden: Guess I’ll just drive my car around the streets of Hollywood.

[the THUGS see him and he LEADS them on a CHASE]

William Holden: I’ll just park my car here, in the garage of this giant monster house.

Erich von Stroheim: Ah, you are here. Madam has been waiting.

William Holden: Eh?

[he GOES into the HOUSE which is SUMPTUOUS]

Gloria Swanson: FINALLY YOU’RE HERE. WHERE IS THE TINY CASKET?

William Holden: Ehhhh? Wait a second, you’re….you’re Norma Desmond. You used to be in pictures. You used to be big.*

Gloria Swanson: I AM BIG IT’S THE PICTURES THAT GOT SMALL.*

[she sort of HISSES and DOES weird things with her HANDS]

Gloria Swanson: NOW TAKE MY BELOVED FRIEND AND BURY HIM.

[she REVEALS a DEAD MONKEY that is not REALISTIC, but you’re still like AAAAA]

William Holden: I’m not a monkey undertaker (lol). I’m a writer.

Gloria Swanson: A WRITER, EH? PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MY 700-PAGE SCRIPT FOR SALOME. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE THAT MOVIE, OBVIOUSLY.

William Holden: I guess I could try to bilk you out of some dough.

[he TYPES in her LIVING ROOM decorated with old PHOTOS of her which is a HOT BITCH move]

Erich von Stroheim: Your things are in the guest bedroom over the garage. I moved them from your apartment.

William Holden: This is creepy, but I’m going to see how it plays out for some reason.

[they WORK on her SCRIPT and WATCH her old MOVIES and she TOUCHES his INNER THIGH a LOT and YELLS]

Gloria Swanson: WATCH MY CHARLIE CHAPLIN ROUTINE. I HAVE STILL GOT IT.

Erich von Stroheim: I have moved you into the husband’s old bedroom. It is next to Madame’s.

William Holden: Gross. Yet I will continue to live here.

Gloria Swanson: I BOUGHT YOU SOME NEW SUITS. PUT ON YOUR TUX FOR MY NEW YEAR’S PARTY.

William Holden: When are the other guests getting here?

Gloria Swanson: WE JUST NEED US. AND MAX, WHO IS STARING AT US WEIRDLY.

William Holden: Just us? But why….oh. Ohhhhhh.

Audience: No duh, Holden.

William Holden: Yeah, I reaaaaaaaaaaaaally don’t want to get with that.

Gloria Swanson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[he LEAVES to go  PARTY with NORMAL people]

Betty Schaeffer: Hi! Sorry I was a bitch about your script. I am scrappy and cute and I still yell all my lines for some reason! I liked a story you wrote once and want to make it into a movie.

William Holden: Hmmmmmmm.

Erich von Stroheim: [on PHONE] You must come back. Madame has slit her wrists in a fit of attention-seeking.

William Holden: Shit.

Gloria Swanson: YOU DON’T LOVE MEEEEEEE. LET ME DIIIIIIIE.

William Holden: Oh, SHIT.

[he FUCKS her, MERCIFULLY off-screen]

Gloria Swanson: TRA LA EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL. AND MR. MAYER HAS CALLED! HE WANTS ME BACK. THEY ALL WANT ME BACK.

[they GO to the STUDIO and she looks FLY as FUCK]

Cecil de Mille: Uh, hi Norma. What are you doing here?

[all the TEAMSTERS and old WARDROBE ladies SURROUND her and FAWN and it’s NICE to see this BITCH get the RESPECT she DESERVES]

Cecil de Mille: We just wanted to rent her hilariously old car for a movie. But never tell her that. She was the greatest of them all!

[meanwhile, OUTSIDE]

William Holden: Hello, loud yelling girl. You can use my story to write a screenplay.

Betty Schaeffer: Write it with me!

William Holden: Hmmmmmmmm.

[he SNEAKS out a LOT to WRITE with her and it’s OK, but you JUST WANT to get back to the MANSE of DELUSION]

Gloria Swanson: I MUST BE PERFECT FOR MY COMEBACK! SLATHER ME WITH CREAMS.

[there is a SLATHERING montage]

Betty Schaeffer: I’m breaking up with my fiancé. I love you, predictably.

[they MAKE OUT]

Erich von Stroheim: Your sneaking out has distressed Madam. I will do anything to protect her. I discovered her and was her director. AND HER HUSBAND.

[there is a HILARIOUSLY DRAMATIC musical CUE]

Gloria Swanson: I KNOW THERE IS ANOTHER GIRL. LOOK AT MY HANDS, JOE! I’M FALLING APART!

[she CALLS Betty to TELL her William Holden’s TERRIBLE GIGOLO secret]

William Holden: Yes, Betty, come over. See the truth!

Betty Schaeffer: Let’s get out of here!

William Holden: No, I hate you now. I know I’m the protagonist, but I’m really just kind of a dick.

Gloria Swanson: NOW I HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF.

William Holden: I’m leaving you, Norma.

Gloria Swanson: YOU CAN’T! MAAAAAAAAAAAX!

William Holden: Tell her, Max! Tell her about the car and that you write all her fan mail and that she’s a miserable disgusting failure!

Erich von Stroheim: Madame is the greatest star of them all.*

[Holden PEACES OUT and Gloria Swanson HISSES a LOT and gets CRAZY EYES and then SHOOTS his ASS and you’re like, GOOD]

Reporters: Hubbub! Hubbub! What a scoop!

Gloria Swanson: [SITS CATATONICALLY]

Some Reporter: The news cameras are here.

Gloria Swanson: CAMERAS?

Erich von Stroheim: Uh, yeah. I will support your delusion because I am a good person.

Gloria Swanson: I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK ON SET AND TO BE WITH YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN THE DARK [HISSSSSSS]. I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP MR. DEMILLE.*

[she WRITHES a LOT at the CAMERA and it RULES]

Guest Post: Reality Bites

Oh hey guys! This blog still exists! Frequent guest poster and keeper-of-the-flame Laura McClain wrote something so we don't look like total slackers! Thank god. She notes, however:

I should add the disclaimer that I loved this movie in college, and I still kind of like it now, even though it is the predecessor to "Rent", by which I mean one cannot watch it as an adult without having minor rage-strokes. You know you're an adult when you scream "get a fucking job, you hippies!" about 30 times in the viewing of one movie. I weep for my youth.

Anna again. I just noticed that this poster is so 90s. "buzz words." "channel surfing." Amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the EARLY 90s like WHOA]

Winona Ryder: Fellow graduates! How can we repair the damage that's been done to us by commercial culture? Heed my hipster call to action!

[the CORE group of friends PARTY on a ROOF, documentary-style. A CLOVERFIELD MONSTER does not ATTACK them]

Steve Zahn: Graduation, woo!

Janeane Garafolo: Conjunction junction what's your function?

[she SLEEPS with SOME dude in her 70s-THEMED bedroom and ADDS him to her EFF LIST]

Ethan Hawke: I'm coming to crash on your couch without asking and with no intention of ever paying rent, ever.

Winona Ryder: He will turn this house into a den of slack.*

Ethan Hawke: HOW DARE YOU. I am ABOVE getting a fucking JOB and you should know that!

[he FONDLES his GREASY hair and SMOKES some WEED]

Janeane Garafolo: I'm a manager at the GAP now! Look at me sell these easy-fits! It's liberating, isn't it?*

[she and Winona DRIVE and SING and CAUSE a CAR ACCIDENT with YUPPIE Ben Stiller]

Winona Ryder: Don't sue me, please! I'm poor and have an adorable haircut!

Ben Stiller: I am taken with your youthful idealism.

[he TAKES her on a DATE and Ethan Hawke MOCKS him though he has NO LEG to STAND on, EVER]

Winona Ryder: Hey boss, can I feature my sensitive hipster documentary on your chipper morning show aimed at the elderly? Now THAT'S understanding your target audience!

John Mahoney: Just give me my fucking cup of coffee.

[she TRICKS him into SAYING he likes VERY YOUNG GIRLS on-air and is FIRED]

Winona Ryder: No biggie! I was valedictorian, I can get another job! We're not even in a recession (yet).

[she TRIES and FAILS]

Swoozie Kurtz: Honey, just get a job at the Burger-Matic!

Winona Ryder: Noooooooo! Unexpected David Spade cameo!

[there are NUMEROUS references to SELLING OUT though NOBODY seems to KNOW what that MEANS]

Janeane Garafolo: Can you maybe pay some rent? And stop calling psychics on 800 numbers? (90s!)

Winona Ryder: FINE. I'll just use the gas card my dad is paying for to get some cash. Integrity?

Janeane Garafolo: I'm scared that I have AIDS and my funeral will be like a scene out of "Melrose Place."

Winona Ryder: "Melrose Place" is a REALLY good show.*

[they LAUGH because of FRIENDSHIP]

Ben Stiller: I sold your documentary to my aggressively hip MTV-style TV channel!

Winona Ryder: Hooray!

Ethan Hawke: NOOOOOO! SELLOUTS!!!!

Steve Zahn: Time to come out to my parents. I am still in this movie.

[he and Janeane REHEARSE his COMING OUT and it RULES]

Steve Zahn: Got kicked out of my house. Not super fun in real life.

Ben Stiller: Time for the documentary premiere!

Winona: I bought a new babydoll dress!

Ethan Hawke: You look like a doily.*

Winona Ryder: I should really hate you so, so much, but I don't?

[they GO to SEE the MOVIE and its INTEGRITY has been DESTROYED by a PIZZA GRAPHIC]

Winona Ryder: MY IDEALISM!!!

Ethan Hawke: Time to swoop in for the kill. I love you. [he GIVES PUPPY DOG EYES]

[they DO IT and his HAIR is SO GREASY, I can't EVEN HANDLE it, YOU GUYS]

Winona Ryder: That was so great. Everything is perfect now!

Ethan Hawke: [HIPSTER FREAKOUT]

Ben Stiller: I'm so sorry that I didn't protect the integrity of your stupid movie. Let's go to New York and fix this. I literally could not be a better boyfriend.

Ethan Hawke: Hey, bitch. Sorry I bailed this morning, but not really. I'm probably going to be mean to you, always. And possibly set your house on fire. Peace out.

[he DEDICATES a RUDE and OBSCENE song to HER, because he is PREDICTABLY in a TERRIBLE BAND]

Winona Ryder: WHOM SHALL I CHOOSE???

[she PINES in MONTAGE FORM and MISTAKES several GREASE MONKEYS for Ethan, whilst SMOKING all the CIGARETTES]

Winona Ryder: I must go to him!

Ethan Hawke: Hey, I'm back. My dad died. I guess this is supposed to excuse my behavior? Maybe? I love you, I guess. Whatever.

[he CRIES and it is DISGUSTING]

Winona Ryder: I have totally made the right decision.

[they MOVE OUT of the APARTMENT, presumably because they can no longer AFFORD it]

Me: [Throws LAPTOP across ROOM]

[it is PRETEND NEW YORK]
Carrie: We're baaaaaaaaaaaaack! And wearing crazier dresses than ever.
Charlotte: OMG A WEDDING I LIVE FOR WEDDINGS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE GAY WEDDINGS.
Samantha: I just hope there's a straight man there I can bone in the bathroom.
Miranda: Oh look: there is. WHAT A SURPRISE.
[they are all EXACTLY THE SAME except more PARODY-LIKE]
Liza Minnelli: How gay is this gay wedding? Gay enough that I am both officiating it, and performing "All the Single Ladies." So: very gay.
Big: Do we haaaaaaaaaave to go out tonight? I just want to hang out on the couch. Look! I even bought us a sweet TV!
Carrie: Nooooo we can't turn boring!! Though our lives are literally made of fantasy!!
[she puts on a SHINY JUMPSUIT]
Samantha: Hold on, I'm putting cream on my vag. Okay, what? Smith Jerrod is on the phone? And he is still very attractive? And he wants me to be his publicist again? Super!
[they go to a MOVIE PREMIERE and Miley Cyrus is there for SOME REASON]
Miranda: By the way, I hate my job, so I quit it. I guess we're not really dealing with my issues in this movie? Whatevs, as long as my hair looks cute, which it does.
Carrie: Mine does too, mostly! I'm gonna go to my old apartment, which I still own for some reason, and write for a few days.
Big: Dang, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let's bone.
[presumably, they DO, but she keeps her BRA on]
Samantha: Guess what, ladies! I just randomly got us a trip to Aaaaaaabu Dhaaaaaaaaaabi! I don't even know how I did it! I think it was my creamed-up vag, though.
Charlotte: But I have responsibilities! I need to make cupcakes while holding my child and talking on the phone and wearing vintage Valentino! THESE THINGS CANNOT WAIT.
[they BULLY her into agreeing to go]
Carrie: So off we went, halfway around the world, with 85 dresses each, and plenty of preconceived notions about the middle east. We were ready. Oh, and girls? Big and I think we might take a few days off from each other a week.
Charlotte: BUT THAT IS UNORTHODOX AND MEANS YOU DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER AND THE ONLY DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE I SUBSCRIBE TO IS THE NORMAL ONE
Carrie's Butler, because they each get a butler: I am from India and only see my wife occasionally. And we're okay.
Carrie: See? These third-world people do things differently! And they're fine. I mean, weird, but fine. Look! That girl is wearing a burqa AND eating french fries!
Charlotte: But I miss my family!!
Carrie: This is an inter-French-ion!** You have to stop thinking about your family for a second!
Charlotte: BUT I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS KIDS AND NOW HAS THEM AND LOVES THEM BUT IT'S SO HARD EVEN THOUGH I AM CRAZY RICH AND HAVE A HOT NANNY!!
Samantha: Come on, let's ride camels in Aaaaaaaaaaaaabu Dhaaaaaaaaaaaaabi! It'll be funny because we're white!
Miranda: And it will allow me to use this pun I just thought of: inter-fun-tion! It's like an intervention, but FUN! GET IT?!
[Charlotte FALLS OFF the camel and it is NOT EVEN AMUSING]
Samantha: Oh, look. A man. I would like to have sex with him.
Carrie: Lawrence of Arabia?
Samantha: More like Lawrence of my labia.*
[she BONES him in PUBLIC and gets ARRESTED, but not before:]
Carrie: Ooh, look! Shoes! I love those! It is one of my main character traits! I'm going to buy some, but first I'll put down these spices I bought before.
[she SETS the SPICES DOWN and you KNOW something BAD is going to happen LATER]
Aidan: Oh! Hey! We used to date! And now I'm extremely attractive! And somehow in a spice market in Abu Dhabi! Let's have dinner!
[they DO, and they KISS, and she tells BIG and he is KINDA MAD, she THINKS]
Carrie: Oh god! I'm having a mid-wife crisis!
Miranda: Wait...is that like...a mid-life crisis except you're a wife? Or a crisis involving a midwife? Because it really sounds like the latter, and that...doesn't make sense.
Carrie: SHUT UP, I'M PUNNING.
Miranda: We have kids! So we're getting drunk while we're here!
Charlotte: Wooooooooooo Mommy's drunk!!!!
Samantha: I got arrested for being extremely disrespectful of the culture in this country...bail me out?
[they do, and their FREE TRIP gets CANCELLED so they have to PACK real FAST]
Charlotte: Oh my god! I'm so rich I don't know how to pack!!
Samantha: Just put it in your suitcase! God!
[they try to go to the AIRPORT and she wears SHORTS, which is like, a DICK MOVE]
Some Men: Those women are disrespecting us! Follow them!
Carrie: My passport is missing! It must be with those Foreshadowing Spices from before!
[they go BACK to the market and the passport is STILL THERE, which is BASICALLY IMPOSSIBLE]
Some Men: Get back here! We have different values about women's bodies and your shorts are offending us!
A Girl in a Burqa: Come with me.
[they go into a BACK ROOM and all the women in BURQAS are wearing DESIGNER CLOTHES underneath and it is RETARDED]
Carrie: Wow! I guess we're all exactly the same in the world! Retarded! Let's ignore our significant cultural differences instead of trying to work through them.
Everyone: Yay!
[they FLY home in their PRINCESS CLASS SEATS]
Big: Oh, hey. Are we cool? I traded the sweet TV for some jewelry.
Carrie: Ladies be loving jewelry!
Miranda: I got a new job where my meetings are outside! I'm so happy!
Charlotte: I like being a mom again! But sometimes I need a break!
Samantha: I still like boning!
Everyone: We haven't changed! Don't you feel secure?
The Audience: No, it's kind of weird that you haven't changed, actually.

*I really thought she said "inter-French-ion," referring to the girl with the French fries? But the internet says it was "inter-friend-tion, which honestly makes even less sense to me, because who else but your friends would stage an intervention anyway? Isn't that the whole point of an intervention? "We love you, and we don't want you ruining your life with booze/meth/buying too many vintage dresses"? Ugh, whatever.

Spring Breakdown

Obviously, I had very high hopes for this, based on the three leading ladies alone, and then when supporting actor after supporting actor was AWESOME, I was even more excited. It was fine - definitely worth seeing if you have Netflix Instant Watch and a lazy Sunday, and you're a fan of anyone in it (Missy Pyle is particularly great, I thought).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 1992]
Amy Poehler: My brocade vest says that I am a nerd.
Parker Posey: As does my granny shawl.
Rachel Dratch: Come, my friends, let us enter the senior talent show and sing "True Colors" with bongos.
[they DO, and are BOOED off the stage]
Parker Posey: Once we graduate, we're gonna be awesome!!
[it is 15 years LATER, and they are NOT AWESOME]
Amy Poehler: I train dogs for a living, but can't get a date, though I am super-cute and Hollywood likes to pretend I'm ugly!
Rachel Dratch: I'm getting married to a man who wears no less than two polos at a time!
Seth Meyers: That's me, bokayyyyyyyy!!
[he BLOWS their POOLBOY]
Rachel Dratch: Oh no! He's gay!
Parker Posey: Oh no! My cat died! This make-your-own-pizza party is in honor of my dead cat.
[they have a SORT-OF-PATHETIC little party]
Jane Lynch: That's right, I'm a senator, and I'm from Texas, and I love big guns and big hair! And I need someone to go make sure my daughter doesn't get too wiiiiiiiiiiild on Spring Break! You! Mousy girl! You look young enough, sort of. Git down to South Padre and make me proud!
Parker Posey: I will do it!!
Amber Tamblyn: My mom, the senator, thinks I'm a partier, but I am actually a medieval faire nerd! I will prove her wrong by going crazy on Spring Break!
[EVERYONE goes to South Padre and HIJINKS occur]
Parker Posey: I'm friends with the senator's daughter, because we're all nerds!
Amy Poehler: I'm friends with the sorority girls and like dressing crazy now!
Rachel Dratch: I'm sooooooooo druuuuuuunkkkkk! Whose shoe is this?*
Amy Poehler: That's your shoe.*
Rachel Dratch: That's bullshit.*
Missy Pyle: I am also in this movie and it is way not fair that I can be this hot AND this funny! But I am, suckerrrrsssss!!
[more HIJINKS occur, culminating in, obviously, A TALENT SHOW]
Parker Posey: I learned to stand up for myself!
Amy Poehler: I learned that I shouldn't have deserted my friends!
Rachel Dratch: I learned that my fiance was gay! Well, I kind of learned that earlier, but now I really know.
[they sing some WILSON PHILIPS and tell the crowd to GO FUCK THEMSELVES because they are AWESOME ANYWAYS]

Oscar Shorts: The New Tenants (Denmark)

[it is NEW YORK]
David Rakoff: ...and there are people dying EVERYWHERE and YOU are asking me not to SMOKE while you're EATING? Fuck you.
David Rakoff's Boyfriend: You're so dramatic.
[there is a KNOCK at the door]
Old Lady: I need flour! Give me some flour!! I'm making cinnamon buns for my granddaughter!
David Rakoff: Um, we just moved in? So we don't have any?
Old Lady: I hope you got a break on the rent, considering the triple homicide that happened here.
David Rakoff and his BF: Bwaaaaaaa?
DR's BF: Well, anyway, I found some flour. Here you go.
[he hands her a ZIPLOC BAG]
Me: That has to be cocaine.
My Mom: Duh.
[there is ANOTHER KNOCK at the door]
Vincent D'Onofrio: You fucked my wife!! She is the aforementioned granddaughter of the old lady!
[he ATTACKS them with a TIRE IRON and is generally SCARY but also SAD]
David Rakoff: Um, no, we are gay. I think that was the last guy who lived here, Jerry.
[there is ANOTHER FUCKING KNOCK and Vincent D'Onofrio gets SHOT]
Kevin Corrigan: Where the fuck is my heroin? It looks like flour!
David Rakoff and his BF: Shiiiiiiiiit.
Old Lady: You killed my granddaughter!! That wasn't flour!!
Kevin Corrigan: I'ma shoot everyone!!
[before he can, the GRANDDAUGHTER, who is on some SERIOUS heroin, hits him with the TIRE IRON and then DIES]
David Rakoff: Cigarette?
[they DANCE in the STREET]

Sherlock Holmes

1. This tagline makes no sense.
2. This movie really made very little sense.
3. I still liked it.
4. I kind of wish they had actually made out, because how hot would that have been? Fingers crossed for the sequel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is LONDON in the OLDEN TIMES]
Robert Downey Jr.: Oh, how wry I am! And also how observant!
Jude Law: Oh, how attractive I am! And also how sidekicky!
[they GAZE at each other whilst SOLVING CRIMES]
Rachel McAdams: Ha ha! I shall best you at your own game, Holmes! The game being...trickery!
Robert Downey Jr.: Just a moment, love, we're having a homoerotic staring contest.
[he and Jude Law BASICALLY MAKE OUT with their EYES]
Mark Strong: Did you want to catch me? Or were you too busy eye-snogging and slow-motion punching?
RDJ: Yes, yes, all of that.
[he PUNCHES someone in SLOW MOTION]
Jude Law: Very good, Holmes.
[something EXPLODES]
Mark Strong: You win! But the setup for the sequel is there, so.
RDJ: Elementary.

Guest Post: Nine

From a chat dated 1/11/10:

Laura: so what will be the first UCM of the teens?me: oh man, i don't knowi saw sherlock holmesLaura: oh godhow's that?me: i've just been watching so much jersey shoresherlock holmes is finelike, not expectation-breakingthere were many punchesand slight gayness/hottness
and like quick cutsLaura: lolwell, that's somethingit's manlyyet gayyou need to see nineme: i know!Laura: because i need to hear your opinions on its awfulness

It is now over two weeks later and no Sherlock Holmes for you, my lovelies. But my darling guest poster Laura McClain has provided you with a breakdown of what everyone I spoke to said was dreck: Nine. Be Italian!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the GLAMOROUS 1960s]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Watch me smirk and smug my way through this grainy black and white press conference footage.
Audience: This movie looks so artsy!
[he GOES to a SOUNDSTAGE in the DARK]
Daniel Day-Lewis: I will smoke soulfully and rub my brow. Acting!
[a SEDUCTIVE figure MOVES from the SHADOWS and KISSES him]
Audience: Art!
[SUDDENLY, 50 lingere-clad chicks APPEAR and start GYRATING while TOSSING their HAIR like EXTRAS in a WHITESNAKE video]
Audience: Oh, right. Rob Marshall directed this.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. I’m at such a crossroads in my life. I’m a world-renowned director with a bevy of beautiful women living in Milan. However, my facial stubble indicates my despair.
His Producer: Come to work, Guido. You must direct this movie, as it is your job.
Sophia Loren: Hello, my son. I am a ghost here to try to explain why you’re fucked up about women? Or something? At least I’m authentically Italian.
Daniel Day-Lewis: My life is too empty! I must run away to a spa.
[he DRIVES his SPORTS CAR up the SIDE of a MOUNTAIN in MILAN and you’re like “boo fucking hoo, Guido”]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Alone at last! Now, to sulk in the spa.
[the PHONE RINGS]
Penelope Cruz: Hola, Guido. I will sing you a sexy, sexy song while writhing in my Victoria’s Secret underthings.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my mistress.
[the PHONE RINGS AGAIN]
Marion Cotillard: Bonjour, Guido.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my wife.
[he goes and CHILLS with Judi Dench, his COSTUME DESIGNER and IMAGINES her SINGING a FOLLIES number]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh dear. Why do I only daydream in glitzy production numbers? Gaaaay.
[he REMEMBERS how Fergie SHOWED him her BOOBS when he was a CHILD and then HUMPED a CHAIR and THREW sand in his FACE]
Fergie: You know there’s a problem when I’m the best performer in your musical.
Penelope Cruz: Hey! I’m here in my trashy mistress outfit! I love you Guido, though you are extremely unlovable!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Eeeek! You go stay in the dilapidated motel next to the train station. We’ll have sex there. But you have to put on whore makeup first.
Marion Cotillard: Hi, honey! I decided to come join you on your spa retreat!
[she SINGS a DIGNIFIED song in an ATTEMPT to SAVE the MOVIE but it is TOO LATE]
Penelope Cruz: Here I am, in my hooker heels. I’ll just sit near you and your wife having dinner. Not obsessive at all.
Marion Cotillard: Guido! For shame!
[she STORMS off]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh man, my wife is so pissed. A trip to the bar will cure what ails me.
Kate Hudson: Heeeeeeeeey Guido. Why am I here? Man, I look orange and bloated.
[she SINGS the WORST SONG ever RECORDED to SEDUCE him]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Wait a second….that’s Kate Hudson.
[he RUNS AWAY]
Penelope Cruz: You bastard! You ignored me and put me up in a hovel! Now I will kill myself.
[she DOESN’T]
His Producer: Hey, could you stop fucking everything in sight for like, two seconds and come make this movie? Your star is here.
[Nicole Kidman and her FROZEN FACE enter]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my Nordic muse with her mangled Australian accent.
[they GO for a CAR RIDE and she SINGS a SONG about how he is her EVERYTHING and you’re like “Really, everyone?? This guy?”]
Nicole Kidman: I don’t want to be your fantasy anymore, Guido. PEACE.
Daniel Day-Lewis: I have to find a new star. Beloved wife whom I constantly cheat on, will you come watch screen tests of nubile Italian women with me?
Marion Cotillard: Yes, for some reason.
[they WATCH a SCREEN TEST where he HITS on more CHICKS and it REMINDS Marion Cotillard of when she was a SUCKER and FELL for HIM]
Marion Cotillard: DONE. Now, to remove any remainder of subtlety from this movie.
[she DOES a RAUNCHY striptease that REPRESENTS their MARRIAGE or SOMETHING]
[a YEAR PASSES]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. All alone. Clearly I have changed, as I grew a beard and am chilling with the Dench in a non-sexual way.
Judi Dench: Go get your wife back. Make a boring art film.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Brilliant!
[he GOES to the FILM STUDIO and once again HALLUCINATES about LADIES in their PANTIES, only now everyone is looking at him all BENEVOLENTLY and it is WEIRD]
Marion Cotillard: Oh Guido! You have truly changed!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Yes. Yes, I have.
[he has NOT]

A Single Man

[it is 1962]
Colin Firth: Every morning I get up. And I do a bunch of things that one does in the morning. And it is all shot very beautifully. But it does not matter, because my partner of 16 years is dead. And I want to die too.
[he goes about his BUSINESS, but in a BEAUTIFUL way]
Colin Firth: Class, let's talk about invisible minorities. This is my way of secretly telling you I am gay.
Full-Lipped Student: I respond to your secretiveness, and your gayness.
[Colin Firth DRIVES past his NEIGHBOR'S house in SLOW-MOTION and pretends to shoot their son]
Jon Hamm (on phone): Hi. This is a flashback to when you found out your lover was killed in a car accident. Since it's 1962, you can't come to the funeral, which seriously sucks. Sorry.
[it is SERIOUSLY HEARTBREAKING because Colin Firth is GOOD at ACTING]
Colin Firth: I guess I'll kill myself.
[he lays his BELONGINGS out in an ORDERLY, BEAUTIFUL manner]
Julianne Moore: Are you coming over? I just spent like 20 minutes doing my eye makeup.
[there is a CLOSEUP of her EYE for like LITERALLY TWO MINUTES which is actually a REALLY LONG TIME to look at an EYE]
Colin Firth: Yes. I 'll bring the gin. I need to be drunk, because I'm going to kill myself.
Hot Latin Man: Sorry. I broke the gin you just bought. Let's share a cigarette and some longing looks.
Colin Firth: Okay, but I am too sad to make out with you, though you are literally a supermodel.
Hot Latin Man: Let us look at this beautiful sky. Notice how the lighting is incredibly gorgeous.
[there is a CLOSEUP of his EYE]
Julianne Moore: You got here! Look how gorgeous my hair is! I'm so brash! Let's dance around and almost bone, but not, because a) you are gay and b) you are sad.
[there is a FLASHBACK of his HOT DEAD LOVER]
Colin Firth: Okay, but I really need to go kill myself now.
[there is a CLOSEUP of a FLASHBACK of an EYE]
Colin Firth: All right, Colin, old chap. Let's take care of this business.
[he TRIES to shoot himself but CANNOT, so he gets into a SLEEPING BAG because he thinks it will be EASIER or something]
Colin Firth: Okay, that's not working. Better go to the bar.
Full-Lipped Student: Hey. I've been stalking you.
[there is a CLOSEUP of his EYE]
Colin Firth: Oh. That's not weird. I hope you think I'm cool.
Full-Lipped Student: Let's go swimming.
[they DO, and it is BEAUTIFULLY MOONLIT, until Colin Firth BANGS his HEAD]
Full-Lipped Student: Oh. You're hurt. I guess we won't bone.
[there is a BLURRY FLASHBACK that is BEAUTIFUL]
Colin Firth: No, not this time, friend. Looks like I'm going to die. I guess that's what I wanted.
[he DIES and it is KIND of SAD but ALSO BEAUTIFUL]

The Object of My Affection

[it is NEW YORK]
Paul Rudd: Boo hoo hoo. I am so cute and gay, but my boyfriend dumped me. Woman I just met at a party, can I stay with you in your unrealistically huge 2-bedroom apartment?
Jennifer Aniston: Of course! But you will have to put up with my comically brash boyfriend.
Cousin Ira from Mad About You: Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!! That's me!
Jennifer Aniston: Sigh. I'm so cute and my boyfriend is so gross! This gay dude is way cuter.
[they take BALLROOM DANCING at the COMMUNITY CENTER she works at with OLD PEOPLE and it is ADORABLE]
Jennifer Aniston: A gay best friend! Now I have one! I'm not sure how I made it this long in New York without one!
[they do GAY things like eat ICE CREAM and watch OLD MOVIES]
Jennifer Aniston: Oh shit, I'm pregnant. Don't tell anyone, especially my boyfriend.
Paul Rudd: But what if I go out for coffee with him, like normal gay guys do with the boyfriends of their roommates?
Jennifer Aniston: In the unlikely event that that happens, still don't tell him.
[he DOES do that, but he DOES NOT tell him]
Allison Janney: Hello! Your sister and her husband are here and we're rich!
Alan Alda: And we're ready to hang out!
Cousin Ira from Mad About You: And I am also dropping by!
Jennifer Aniston: So many people! Let me get a fan!
Paul Rudd: You shouldn't be carrying a fan in your condition!
Cousin Ira: "Your condition?" What could that possibly mean?
Allison Janney: It means she's pregnant, you idiot.
Cousin Ira: Woooooooooo! I'm gonna marry you!
Jennifer Aniston: No! I'm not sure why I was even dating you in the first place! Get lost! Forever!
[everyone is CONFUSED]
Paul Rudd: Come on, pregnant lady. Let's go sort out your feelings on a roller coaster.
Jennifer Aniston: This roller coaster sure is helping my morning sickness! Also, I want you to raise this baby with me, like you were its dad.
Paul Rudd: Uh, that is a terrible idea.
[he sees a FATHER and SON and changes his mind about MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS based on a game of CATCH]
Paul Rudd: Okay, I will raise your bastard child with you.
[they GAY around some more]
Jennifer Aniston: Tell me more about your sexual history, since gays and ladies like to dish. Who'd you lose your virginity to?
Paul Rudd: Lisa Jane Parnell.
Jennifer Aniston: A woman!! So there IS hope!!
[she tries to MAKE OUT with him, which is the SECOND WORST IDEA EVER]
Paul Rudd: THANK GOD THE PHONE IS RINGING GET YOUR BOOBIES OFF ME
Tim Daly: I miss you.
Paul Rudd: Oh. Hello, old boyfriend. You hurt me, but I will go away with you for the weekend, because that is a rational thing that people do.
[he DOES, and shares a LAUGH with another GAY when his EX is talking BOMBASTICALLY about PERFORMANCE ART]
Baby Gay: That sure was funny when that guy talked about theater. So gay! Ha ha!
Paul Rudd: We are so gay together! I forgot how much fun it is to be gay sometimes after hanging out with that pregnant lady so much.
[meanwhile, at Allison Janney's SUMPTUOUS MANSION]
Allison Janney: I don't like how you're in love with that gay. That's stupid.
Jennifer Aniston: You're crazy! I'm not in love with him! I totally did not try to make out with him at all. I am not delusional, not in the least.
[he CALLS]
Jennifer Aniston: Oh my god, I miss you so much because I love you...the way straight ladies are supposed to love gays. You know, I love you like we both love shopping. Please, let's go back to Brooklyn.
Paul Rudd: Though this baby gay I just met has lovely blowjob lips, I will return to you, as I am a gay of my word.
[they both go HOME, but she gets MUGGED and a NICE POLICEMAN gives her a RIDE and LOOKS at her with CARING in his EYES]
Nice Policeman: She's pretty, but it looks like she is in a relationship with that gay-looking man. Oh well.
[they have THANKSGIVING]
Baby Gay's Old Dude Friend: Just FYI, Jennifer Aniston: you have an all-gay Thanksgiving dinner. So what's gonna happen when all those gays go away? You're just going to be a sad old fag hag with no one to love you. Ya burnt.
Jennifer Aniston: Thanks, old gay. I have come to my senses.
[literally the NEXT SCENE]
Jennifer Aniston: Well, delivering a baby was hard, but she's here now! And I am somehow okay with Cousin Ira being back in the picture.
Cousin Ira: I'm a joint custodial dad! Woooooo!
Jennifer Aniston: But you should probably move out, Paul Rudd. I'm done with being a fag hag, because that is The Worst.
[eight years LATER]
Paul Rudd: I directed a play with the baby, who is now eight, in it!
Jennifer Aniston: I'm so glad you're in my life, but that I'm not in love with you anymore, and instead am in love with that nice policeman from before.
Baby: I have so many caring adults in my life! Having gays around is great, but being in love with them is not!

Connie and Carla

[it is CHICAGO]

Connie and Carla: Thank you, thank you, O'Hare Airport, for enjoying our medley of showtunes!

[the AUDIENCE stares BLANKLY at them]

Nia Vardalos: Ohhhh...kay.

Toni Collette: That's okay, we're living our dream! Kind of. And our boyfriends are nice. Sort of.

[they WITNESS a MURDER in a PARKING GARAGE]

Nia Vardalos: We gotta get outta town! We gotta go somewhere with no culture at all, so they'll never think to look for us there!

[clearly, they go to LOS ANGELES]

Toni Collette: Wow, look at all these cute guys! They're so tan and fit and fashionable! And somehow, though we are obsessed with musical theater, I'm not aware that they are gay, gay, gay!

[they find a FURNISHED apartment, like, IMMEDIATELY]

David Duchovny: Oh. Hello. We ran into each other.

Literally.

Nia Vardalos: Oh. Hello. How adorable. Perhaps I will run into you again at some point.

Toni Collette: We need jobs!! What are we going to do!!?!?

Nia Vardalos: Your voice is giving me [insert humorous disease here].

[they find out about DRAG QUEEN auditions and decide to TRY since they have LOTS of WIGS and are TALL]

Gays: Oh, please! Liza? AGAIN? GIRRRRRRL.

[they SING and are APPLAUDED HEARTILY and BELIEVED to be MEN]

Nia Vardalos: Let's do a medley! It will include many classic musicals.

Neighbor Gays: Can we join your troupe? We have a variety of skills so that our act will be fantastic.

[they DO, and it IS]

Peaches: I have family troubles.

David Duchovny: That would be me, his brother.

[some SHENANIGANS occur involving the brother and a MANICURE and Nia Vardalos KISSING the brother and the brother's FIANCEE being a TOTAL BITCH]

Toni Collette: Everything is ruined!! I'm calling my boyfriend in Chicago!

[meanwhile, in EVERY DINNER THEATER EVER]

Russian Mobster: Mame is wonderful show!

[he SINGS along and it is HILARIOUS]

Main Bad Guy: Go find your girlfriends, boys.

[the BOYFRIENDS go to LOS ANGELES and see Connie and Carla on LOCAL TV and they are BUSTED]

Nia Vardalos: But we can't leave now! The big opening of the dinner theater is tomorrow! We can't miss it!

Debbie Reynolds: Plus, I'm here for some reason!

[the MOBSTERS show up to the OPENING and try to KILL them but FAIL and everyone is like WTF]

Toni Collette: Okay, you got us - we're women.

[they show their BREASTS as PROOF]

Audience: You lied to us!

One Lady: But you made me feel beautiful!

Audience: Okay, we forgive you!

David Duchovny: I decided to come to your show. And I really like your friend, even though he is a man in drag.

Nia Vardalos: No, I'm not! You're not gay! Let's make out!

Toni Collette: Wait, don't I get a man?

Her Boyfriend from Chicago: I'm not a jerk! Let's make out!

Debbie Reynolds: Bokaaaaayyyyy!!!

Strictly Ballroom

[it is the AUSTRALIAN BALLROOM DANCING CHAMPIONSHIPS]

Scott: I'm going to dance what I want to dance! Look at me go! These steps are not "strictly ballroom."

His Mom: Nooooooooooooooo!

His Coach: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

His Partner: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

His Dad: Yesssssssssssssssss.

Gross Rival Dude: Hello. I am stealing your partner now, as we are both platinum blondes with a penchant for wearing yellow.

Scott: What will I dooooooooooooooooooo?

Fran: I know I might look like an ugly duckling, but I promise you, I will blossom into a swan.

[they learn to DANCE together and at the same time...learn to LOVE]

Scott's Dad: I used to dance too...

[there is a CRAZY FLASHBACK SEQUENCE that is VINTAGE LUHRMANN]

Fran's Family: No, you cannot see this man anymore!

Scott: But I want to learn the pasadoble.

Fran's Family: Oh. Well. Then you are welcome here.

[they dance their OWN STEPS at the PAN-PACIFIC GRAND PRIX]

Head of the Dance Federation: I tried to fix the competition, but I was thwarted! And my toupee came off!! Nooooooooooooo!

[Fran and Scott WIN, or DON'T WIN, because they don't TELL YOU, because all that matters is that they're IN LOVE and they LOVE DANCING]

Kinky Boots

[it is NORTHERN ENGLAND]
Papa Price: Son, this is my shoe factory. I love it so much!! I assume you will follow in my footsteps. I am placing all my hopes and dreams for the future of this company on you.
Charlie Price: Uh...no thanks.
[he moves to LONDON with his MEAN GIRLFRIEND, but his dad DIES the DAY he moves there]
Charlie Price: Bugger.
[he RETURNS to the FACTORY and finds out it is TOTALLY FAILING]
Charlie Price: Sorry, guys...I have to lay off some people. I don't know what else to do.
Cute Pixie-Haired Worker Girl: Figure out a niche market!!
[he goes to LONDON to try to SELL SHOES but CANNOT]
Charlie Price: A woman in trouble! I shall prove my manliness by saving her.
[the DAMSEL turns out to be a TRANNY]
Black Guy From Love Actually Tranny: I don't need your help, for I am actually a very muscular man, in drag. Damn! My heel has broken again! Why can't I find a well-made pair of kinky boots??
Charlie Price: IDEA!!! I'll make you some boots that can hold a man's weight! I have a shoe factory!
[he and the PIXIE-HAIR GIRL make some SERIOUSLY UGLY BOOTS]
Tranny: Burgundy. Please God, tell me I have not inspired something BURGUNDY.*
[she REDESIGNS the BOOTS so they are WALKING TUBES OF SEX]
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: Hey there love, fancy a ---WHAAAA? You're a bloke!!
[there is a lot of MANLINESS talk and an ARM-WRESTLING CONTEST that the TRANNY should have WON, but DIDN'T]
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: Now I respect you, because you let me win.
[the FACTORY WORKERS get TIRED of the PERFECTIONISM of the BOSS and QUIT]
Charlie Price: You can't quit!! We have Milan!! I need you!!!
Bitchy Girlfriend: Just sell the damn factory! I hate this town! Here are some more things I will say to make everyone happy when I dump you so you can end up with the cute pixie-hair girl!
Charlie Price: No! I love my workers! They are awesome! And you're a bitch!
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: I have also changed my mind about the boss after overhearing him. Let's work EVEN HARDER.
[they DO, and finish all the BOOTS, which have a POCKET for a WHIP in them]
Charlie Price: Thanks for designing all the boots for me, Lola. But why do you wear a dress? Now, all of a sudden, I have decided to judge your lifestyle.
[she BOUNCES and he is left WITHOUT A MODEL for the Milan show]
Cute Pixie-Hair Girl: I think there's really only one option here. You have to be very secure in your manhood, and on your feet, but I think you can do it.
[he goes on the RUNWAY with NO PANTS in the THIGH-HIGH BOOTS and TOTALLY FALLS]
Tranny: It's okay. I'm here now. With my fucking awesome tranny backup singers.
[they perform a MEDLEY of SHOE-RELATED HITS]
Everyone: I have learned something about society...and myself.

Sex and the City

I did, in fact, see this movie, and for a second, I thought I might have written it, so spot-on was my prediction of the ending. When you introduce a vintage wedding dress, a book of love letters, and a mention of City Hall at the beginning of the movie, come on - it's like the metaphorical gun that must be fired in Act Three. However, I did enjoy it.
~~~~~~~
[it is NEW YORK]
Charlotte: I have a baby and a great husband!
Samantha: I live in LA with my hot boyfriend!
Miranda: I live in Brooklyn and still sort of hate myself!
Carrie: My boyfriend made me the biggest, most wonderful closet ever! And we're getting married!
[the audience LITERALLY GASPS upon seeing SAID CLOSET]
Carrie & Co.: We're kind of old, but still wearing crazy-ass fashions and walking four abreast!
[a bunch of SHITTY things happen - in Charlotte's case, LITERALLY]
Jennifer Hudson: I am black, and optimistic.
[everything that you PREDICTED would happen in the first FIFTEEN MINUTES unfurls EXACTLY as you thought it would]
Carrie Bradshaw & Co.: Men are nice, but girlfriends are nicer. Let's eat brunch.
The Editors of Vogue: We hope you enjoyed this movie version of our magazine. Please buy more designer clothing.

All About Eve

[it is NEW YORK in the 1950s]
Gay-but-not Columnist: Here is a bunch of exposition about these people. But who you're really going to hear about tonight is EVE, who's accepting an award. This is...ALL ABOUT EVE.
[flashbackflashbackflashback]
Mrs. Playwright: Why, child! You're out in the rain! I have noticed you stalking my friend, the great Broadway star, before. Why don't you come in and do your stalking out of the cold!
Eve: Gee, shucks, golly, thanks a bunch. I couldn't begin to tell you how much this means to me. Shucks. Golly.
[they go INSIDE and she is AWED]
Bette Davis: WHAT DO YOU WANT? I'M PUTTING ON MY COLD CREAM.
Eve: Well, I just wanted to meet you. You're my hero. I'm just a young Army widow from Wisconsin who used to work at a brewery. When you're a secretary in a brewery, it's hard to pretend you're anything else. Everything is beer.*
Thelma Ritter: What a sad story. It has cracked even the veneer of this sarcastic, no-nonsense character I always play, but always awesomely.
Bette Davis: Hmm...perhaps you could be of use to me, child. I have been looking for someone I can kick around without feeling very bad about it.
[she HIRES her as some sort of GIRL FRIDAY/PROFESSIONAL FAN]
Eve: [STARES at her WEIRDLY and acts STALKERY]
Bette Davis: This is weirding me out. Let's just have a party for my 8-years-younger boyfriend, the director, who has been in Hollywood. I'll get raging drunk. It'll be fabulous.
[she DOES, and it IS]
Director-Boyfriend: Eve's quite interesting, isn't she? I sort of like her.
Bette Davis: FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS...IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY NIGHT.*
[she gets DRUNKER]
Gay-but-not Critic: I brought this very beautiful girl as my date to cover up my gayness. She's a graduate of the Copacabana School of Dramatic Art.*
Marilyn Monroe: I'm gonna be famous!
Bette Davis: I'm so oolllldddd!!!
[she gets EVEN DRUNKER and MORE FABULOUS]
Eve: Oh golly gosh gee willikers. I sure would love to be Bette Davis' understudy.
Mrs. Playwright: That sounds perfectly logical, and not at all creepy and stalkery. I'll talk to the producer behind my best friend's back to help you.
[she DOES, and it is SCANDALOUS]
Director-Boyfriend: Oh, hey, sweetie. Eve read your part during Miss Copacabana's audition and she was better than you ever were. SUCKA!
Bette Davis: I WILL NOT BE PLOTTED AGAINST.*
[Director-Boyfriend PUSHES her on a BED to more STRONGLY prove his POINT]
Mrs. Playwright: Hmm...perhaps Bette Davis needs to be taken down a notch.
[she plans a TRICK so that Eve will PERFORM instead of Bette Davis and they get STRANDED in the COUNTRY]
Bette Davis: I'll take this opportunity of being stranded in a car to tell you my entire philosophy of being a woman in show business.
[she DOES]
Bette Davis: Slow curtain. The end.*
The Press: We love Eve!
Bette Davis: I HATE YOU ALL.
Gay-but-not Critic: So, Eve, looks like your plan is working pretty well. We should hang out. Maybe I'm not gay. No one knows.
[they go to the CUB ROOM and EVERYONE is there and DRAMA ensues in the BATHROOM]
Eve: If you don't tell your husband to give me the part in his new play, I'll tell everyone about the trick you played and you'll be ruined. RUINED!
[she does a lot of INTENSE LOOKING to show she means BUSINESS]
Mrs. Playwright: All right. I'll do what you ask, you contemptible little worm.
Bette Davis: Guess what! Director-Boyfriend and I are getting married!
[she RETIRES because she is MARRIED and you can't KEEP HOUSE and ACT as well]
Eve: MY PLAN IS FALLING INTO PLACE. Now, for the playwright!
[she has an AFFAIR with the playwright and tries to CONVINCE him to leave his WIFE, because she hasn't done ENOUGH DAMAGE]
Gay-but-not Critic: Ohhhh, no you don't. You're mine now! I know all about your made-up story. Dead husband? PLEASE. You're a LIAR.
[Eve LAUGHS and he SLAPS her in the WORST STAGE COMBAT ever to be FILMED]
Gay-but-not Critic: Now remember as long as you live, never to laugh at me. At anything or anyone else, but never at me.*
[we are RETURNED to the original TIME FRAME, where Eve is ACCEPTING her AWARD]
Everyone: [stares ICILY]
Bette Davis: Nice speech, Eve. But I wouldn't worry too much about your heart. You can always put that award where your heart ought to be.*
[Eve RETURNS to her HOTEL ROOM to BASK in her DECEIT and GRANDEUR]
Some Random: Hi. I snuck into your room, and then fell asleep in it. Can I please become your protege in much the same way you did with Bette Davis, and form a Machiavellian scheme to basically take over your life?
Eve: Sure.
[the RANDOM puts on Eve's CAPE and LOOKS at herself in a 360-degree MIRROR for, like, EVER so you KNOW it's come FULL CIRCLE]