Sight Unseen: Bride Wars

[it is AMERICA]

Anne Hathaway: I'm so glad we're best friends, even though I am occasionally in really good movies, and you're in this kind of schlock basically all the time.

Kate Hudson: I know, right? You were totally good in Rachel Getting Married.

Anne Hathaway: Thanks!

Kate Hudson: ...now you say, "Kate, you were totally good in Fool's Gold."

Anne Hathaway: I may be a top contender for an Oscar this year, Kate, but I'm not a good enough actress to say that convincingly.

Kate Hudson: Fine. Let's just get married and be each others' maids of honor, okay?

Candice Bergen: Your weddings accidentally got booked for the same day.

Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway: WHAT?!?!

Candice Bergen: There's a simple solution, though: one of you just needs to move your ceremony to a different place or date. I'm not actually sure how you got to this point without realizing they were on the same day, but whatever.

Kate Hudson: This means war, bitch.

Anne Hathaway: Oh, it's on.

[they have a series of ESCALATING PRANKS, involving HAIR DYE and other HILARIOUS things]

Anne Hathaway: Wait, we're best friends. Let's resolve this.

Kate Hudson: Okay.

[they HUG]

Sight Unseen: My Bloody Valentine 3D

[it is a SMALL MINING TOWN]

Days of Our Lives Guy: Oh no! I'm too inexperienced a miner to be working down here! Sorry!!

[five guys DIE as a result of his INEPTITUDE and one guy goes into a COMA]

Coma Guy: It's Valentine's Day. I'm awake. And I want REVENGE.

[he KILLS a bunch of people with a PICKAXE because he is a MINER, but not the ONE GUY he SHOULD have killed]

Days of Our Lives Guy: Oh well. I guess I'll move away from here to escape my unresolved issues about the mine.

[TEN YEARS later]

Days of Our Lives Guy: Hey. I'm back.

Jaime King: Oh. Hey. Do you still have feelings for me, your ex-girlfriend, though I am married to your best friend now?

Days of Our Lives Guy: You got me. I do.

The Gay Dude from Dawson's Creek: Suck on that! I married your girl!

[people start getting MURDERED...in 3D]

Days of Our Lives Guy: Uh oh. These murders are suspiciously like the ones that happened ten years ago, after I caused that mine accident. Perhaps...perhaps they're related somehow!

[something SCARY and/or 3D occurs]

A Black Character: Oh god! I'm killed!

Days of Our Lives Guy: We need to stop this maniac.

[they REALIZE that the MANIAC is his BEST FRIEND, whose FATHER was killed in the EARLIER MASSACRE]

The Gay Dude from Dawson's Creek: That's right! It was me all along! I hold you responsible for my father's death, however indirectly you may have caused it! Now DIE!

[they have an EPIC BATTLE and hopefully a 3D MINE CART CHASE that ends with the GOOD GUYS alive and the BAD GUY dead]

Days of Our Lives Guy: Now I can be with you.

Jaime King: Yes! And we won't have any weird relationship issues at all.

[they MAKE OUT...in 3D]

Sight Unseen: Hotel for Dogs

[it is AMERICA]

Emma Roberts: Julia Roberts is my aunt.

Some Kid: Yeah, that's great...it doesn't mean you're talented. It might actually mean you're less talented than average.

Emma Roberts: Still. Julia Roberts. Big movie star. My aunt. Watch me act right now! I'm going to act like an orphan! "Oh man, I'm an orphan, having no parents sucks." See that? That was acting.

Don Cheadle: Great, kid. But can you explain why I'm in this movie?

Lisa Kudrow: Or me?

Kevin Dillon: This is a step down even for me, and I'm on Entourage.

[the kids put a bunch of STRAY DOGS in a HOTEL and encounter OBSTACLES and SHENANIGANS]

Emma Roberts: We're plucky, though! And related to Julia Roberts. Well, I am, anyway.

Dr. Doolittle's Daughter: WE KNOW.

[there is a HAPPY ENDING]

Sight Unseen: The Unborn

You guys: WHAT is going on with this chick's ass in this poster? I mean really. Those shadows are confusing me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
Cloverfield Girl: I keep having nightmares! And scary things keep happening! Scary things that make me scream in a vaguely sexual way, which is the draw of many horror films.
Gary Oldman: Oh. You have two different color eyes. Are you a twin?
Cloverfield Girl: No.
Her Mom: Oh, yeah, you were. I meant to tell you - you had a brother who died in utero. My bad!
[some more SCARY SHIT happens]
Cloverfield Girl: Oh! So maybe my dead twin brother is haunting me. That makes sense.
Gary Oldman: He's getting stronger and stronger. You are going to have to battle him - IN THE AFTERLIFE. [she DIES and looks HOT]
Cloverfield Girl: I won!
Something Scary: ...or did you? SEQUEL!!

Sight Unseen: January Dreck

So once the Oscar nomination period is closed at the end of the year, all the studios are like "Sweet. Now we can release all the shit that can't possibly get a nomination, but might make some money, maybe."

I'm not saying I'll never see any of these movies. I'm just saying I (probably) won't see them in the theaters. And I definitely haven't seen them yet. But such is the way of Sight Unseen posts. All next week.

Sight Unseen: Wanted

[it is a BORING OFFICE]
James McAvoy: I wish something would happen in my boring, boring life. I mean, I am the most unorthodoxically hot short man since...well, kind of ever, but I'm just an office drone.
Angelina Jolie: HELLO. YOU HAVE POWERS. I HAVE TATTOOS. COME WITH ME.
[he DOES, because HELLO it's Angelina Jolie and I'm pretty sure EVERYONE would have sex with her]
Morgan Freeman: I am wise, and old, and also an assassin. Here is some information about your father, who worked with us. He could curve bullets, and so can you, and now you have to work for us.
James McAvoy: The opportunities for hilarity based on my nebbishness are endless!
[he does something DORKY, but then he gets BETTER at ASSASSINING]
Angelina Jolie: YOU HAVE IMPRESSED ME. NOW WE WILL HAVE SEX.
[they DO and it is HOT but WEIRD]
Morgan Freeman: Here is the assignment OF YOUR LIFE.
[a bunch of COOL SHIT happens with CARS and TRAINS and GUNS and BOOBS and FIRE and EXPLOSIONS and AWESOMENESS]
James McAvoy: Awesome.

Sight Unseen: The Love Guru

Backstory: My (g)chat status today is a quote from the New York Times' review of this movie: '“The Love Guru” is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.' This is a conversation I had about it.

Katharine: ok did you actually see this? or is this a quote from a review?
cause i have to say- i did read the review in the highly regarded "metro" this morning- and they trashed it
me: oh, it's a quote
from the times
i liked how dramatic it was
YOU WILL NEVER LAUGH AGAIN
Katharine: haha
me: i would only see it if i was guaranteed a lot of money
or, like, sex with paul rudd
Katharine: i can't believe they reviewed it!
hahah!
i would see it for free popcorn
but that's the difference between you and me
our standards
me: ok, i'd probably do it for like $50
Katharine: oh yeah me too for sure
me: or a paul rudd makeout
Katharine: that be hott
me: or like some really good cheese
Katharine: oh yeah totally

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is INDIA]

Mike Myers: Not since Ben Kingsley has a white dude portrayed an Indian dude with such aplomb and dignity!

[he says a CATCHPHRASE and FARTS or something]

Justin Timberlake: Bonjour, mademoiselle. Remember 'ow funny I was in zat "Dick in a Box" video? Keep zat in your mind. It will be better zan zees reedeeculous feelm.

Mike Myers: Do you like my ridiculous mustache? Or my zany, hilarious accent? Or my many soon-to-be popular catchphrases that I have constructed expressly for that purpose? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE LOVE ME.

Jessica Alba: I'm really hot. That is all.

[two ELEPHANTS bone on an ICE RINK and it is COLD]

Mike Myers: Fuck it, you guys should just go watch Wayne's World. This movie is excellent. Not.

Sight Unseen: The House Bunny

[it is the PLAYBOY MANSION]
Hugh Hefner: Get out. You are too old for me, an 81-year-old man.
Anna Faris: But I'm only 27! And super hot! What will I do? Where will I go?
[she ends up at a SORORITY HOUSE somehow]
Daughter from 40-Year-Old Virgin: Sup. We're a sorority, but - GET THIS - we're not slutty or bitchy.
That Superbad Girl: Yeah, and we're brunettes. SUCK ON THAT.
Katharine McPhee: I was on American Idol, and now I'm in a movie! I'm just like Jennifer Hudson! Oscar, here I come!
Anna Faris: You guys, you need to be hotter. And by that I mean stupider.
[she SLUTS them up and they WALK in SLOW MOTION with SHORT SKIRTS]
Anna Faris: Now boys will like you. Ooh, who's that?
That Superbad Girl: That's Tom Hanks' son. He's not exactly cute, or talented...but he's...uh...
Anna Faris: I like him! But he likes smart girls! You guys need to help me be smart!
[the TABLES turn and everyone LEARNS something about EACH OTHER and LIFE]

Sight Unseen: Hancock

[it is AMERICA]
Discontented Post-9/11 Citizens: We need a superhero!
Will Smith: Oh YEAH? Superhero THIS!!
[he FLIES drunkenly and throws a WHALE onto a BOAT]
Will Smith: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I can do WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.
Jason Bateman: As your incredibly attractive PR guy, I gotta tell you, man: people hate you. And I don't mean Hancock. I mean Will Smith. Who do you think you are, man? You used to be cool.
Will Smith: What? I got Oscar noms, bitch!
[he does more SUPERHERO STUFF that ends up being NOT HELPFUL]
Citizens: You're going to jail!
Will Smith: Aw HELLLL naw!
[he FUCKS with the PRISONERS to HILARIOUS RESULTS]
Citizens: Oh, wait, we need you now. Please come back out of jail.
Will Smith: I have been "scared straight." Now I will be overly helpful instead of a drunk.
[he SAVES the WORLD]

Sight Unseen: You Don't Mess with the Zohan

[it is ISRAEL]
Adam Sandler: Hey guys! Remember when I used to make wacky comedies about man-children? You loved those! I know I drifted away for a while to do family fare, but the Adam Sandler of 1995 is BACK in full effect! Here's a joke about Israel.
[the ISRAELI ARMY belittles him for his love of HAIRDRESSING]
Adam Sandler: I know! I'll fake my own death! That's just wacky enough!
[he DOES, and goes to AMERICA]
Adam Sandler: Now I can be a hairdresser AND assassin! How bizarre!
Rob Schneider: Thanks for putting me in your movie! Feels like old times!!
[some GAY jokes happen]
Israeli Army Dudes: Now we shall pursue you and a culture clash will occur. How wacky!
Adam Sandler: Remember Happy Gilmore? That movie was great.
[he FIGHTS some people in a WACKY MANNER]
Some Girl: Even though you're a hairdresser, you might not be gay. Let's kiss.
Adam Sandler: Soooo hot. Want to touch the heinie.

Sight Unseen Summer Movie Preview

I know the summer blockbusters have started already, but this week we'll be doing a number of "Sight Unseen" posts, in which I create condensations of movies I've not yet seen, and don't intend to. Enjoy!

Sight Unseen: The Bucket List

Hell no, I didn't see this. Check out this posting to see more info on "sight unseen" posts.
~~~~~~~~~~

[it is AMERICA]
Jack Nicholson: I am rich! This is my hospital! Everyone shares a room here, this ain't a spa.
Doctor: You have cancer. And you have to share a room with Morgan Freeman.
Jack Nicholson: Nooooooooo!!! The irony!!!!
Morgan Freeman: Wait...maybe we can see this as an opportunity rather than a shortcoming. Let's make a BUCKET LIST...a list of all the things we want to do before we...
Jack Nicholson: ...kick the bucket. Yeah, I get it.
[they do a BUNCH of SHIT that they would never do OTHERWISE unless they were DYING, like SKYDIVING and RACING CARS]
Morgan Freeman: Wasn't that fun? Couldn't you just listen to my velvet tones all day long?
Jack Nicholson: You know what? I could. I've learned something here about the value of friendship, not money. Is everyone sufficiently heartwarmed? Good.
[he DIES]
Sean Hayes: I am also in this movie. Just Jack!

Sight Unseen: Whaaaaa?

Sight Unseen is a tag I use to describe the ultra-condensed movies I write without ever having seen the movie. Sometimes it's because the trailer was particularly revealing. Sometimes the internet buzz is heavy. And sometimes it's just one of those movies that you see and you go, "God, I could have written that." So that's what I've done.

Sight Unseen: Blades of Glory

Surely you must have heard about this movie already. It's Will Ferrell doing what he does best: ridiculousness. Hell fucking yeah.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the OLYMPICS]
Will Ferrell: Wig? Check. Ridiculously unflattering costume? Check. Pee-in-your-pants comedy stylings? Double check. Let’s do some ice skating.
Napoleon Dynamite: Awesome. But not until you concede that I am totally awesomer than you.
Will Ferrell: I will beat your ass, Napoleon!! I will beat your ass until your ass is no longer recognizable as an ass and has to be labeled “ass” just so people know what it is!
Napoleon Dynamite: Shut up, my name’s not Napoleon!
[they FIGHT on the ICE and it is HILARIOUS]
Olympics: You are banned from men’s skating.
Will Ferrell: Men’s skating? Not just skating? That gives me an idea…
[Survivor’s “EYE OF THE TIGER” plays over a MONTAGE of Will and Napoleon or whatever his name is LEARNING to skate as a TEAM and it is HILARIOUS]
Amy Poehler: Oh HEEEELLLLLLLLL no! They can NOT skate in our category!
Will Arnett: [in a GRAVELLY, extremely HOT voice] We will take them down.
[they DEVISE a plan in which Amy Poehler SEDUCES one or BOTH of their rivals, and it is HILARIOUS, but it does not work]
Will Ferrell: [RUBBING himself] You like this? Yeah, you do. You know it.
[he DISROBES for some reason and it is HILARIOUS]
Napoleon Dynamite: This is awkward, especially because I’m, like, not that funny.
[he CRIES and it is NOT HILARIOUS]
Will Ferrell: Well, it’s finally here, partner. Let’s rock this shit. And by “shit,” I mean “skating competition.” And by “rock,” I mean, “win.” Just to clarify.
Napoleon Dynamite: Coo –
Will Ferrell: I think you’ve said enough, don’t you?
[they SKATE to the STRAINS of a song by JOURNEY, and it is AMAZING, and also HILARIOUS]
Amy Poehler and Will Arnett: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[they COLLAPSE on the ICE]
Olympics: We forgive you, but sadly, you cannot win, as everyone hates gays.
Amy Poehler and Will Arnett: Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!!
Will Ferrell: Well, at least we learned a lesson. A lesson about truth, and hard work, and America, and skating, and gayness. And gayness.
[he CARRIES Napoleon Dynamite into the SUNSET to the strains of Pete Townshend’s “Let My Love Open the Door (To Your Heart)”]

Sight Unseen: The Ex

As with yesterday's post, today's movie does not come out for a while, and thusly there are no stills to be had except those on IMDb, which I can't figure out how to put in my wonderful photobucket account. But that's not what you want to know. What you want to know is: Why am I looking at a locker pinup of Jason Bateman from 1987? Well, I will tell you why: because he's in this movie, and because he is better than Zach Braff, whose manchild thing is reaaaalllly starting to get old. Wait, did I say "starting to get old"? I meant "is old." Though I will concede that he and Turk are real cute on Scrubs, the boys on Psych are a) just as charismatic and b) possibly cuter and c) on a show that's new and thus has not yet gone downhill.

Also, Jason Bateman is the future father of my children. I don't want to go too nuts after yesterday's John Krasinski lovefest, but I have to put that out there, in case Jason Bateman is googling himself one day and stumbles across my site and falls in love with me from afar. YES, I KNOW HE'S MARRIED. Don't ruin my dream.

But enough about that. You want movies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~
[it is an OFFICE]
Zach Braff: I’m ridin’ high, boys. I got a hot wife, a new baby, and an awesome new job. Also, AMERICA LOVES ME. You hear that, America? YOU LOVE ME.
Jason Bateman: We’ll see about that, Braff.
[he wheels his WHEELCHAIR over Braff’s foot in the first of many WHEELCHAIR-RELATED JOKES]
Charles Grodin: [morosely] Let’s get the meeting started, guys.
Zach Braff: [showing PHOTOS to EVERYONE] …and this is my baby, and my wife…
Jason Bateman: That’s your wife? I used to date her…NOW IT’S ONNNNNNN!
[they DANCE FIGHT, which is HARD, because of the whole WHEELCHAIR thing, but somehow it WORKS]
Amanda Peet: Stop fighting, or I will stab you with my chin!
Jason Bateman: Heeeeeeey, baby, remember me? I’m totally cuter and funnier than this douche chill you call your baby’s father. Let me play you a song in a sexy manner.
[she SWOONS]
Zach Braff: Oh HELL no!
[they fight with NINJA STARS, which is SURPRISINGLY effective]
Will Arnett: [to Bateman] I got your back, buddy!
[he puts Braff in a HEADLOCK]
Jason Bateman: Surrender! Surrender to the king of subtle comedy, though this movie is anything but subtle!
[someone FALLS DOWN, just to be funny]
Jason Bateman: You see what I mean? SURRENDER!
Zach Braff: You win! You win. [Will Arnett RELEASES him] Suckers!!!
[he PUSHES the WHEELCHAIR down the STAIRS]
Half of American Wheelchair Users: This movie stinks! He pushed a guy in a wheelchair!
Other Half of American Wheelchair Users: This movie rules! The guy in the wheelchair is way funnier than the guy not in a wheelchair! Also, he apparently has a huge penis. So let’s spread that rumor around too.

Sight Unseen: License to Wed

Dear John Krasinski,
You must know that your wry looks into the camera send millions of women (and probably men, though our gay friends have not confessed the kind of obsession with you that our female friends have) into a swoon each week. As we work at our own dreary, unfunny offices, overhearing our cubemates leave voicemails for their cats (“I can’t wait to get home and feed you!”) and mispronounce words (“It came out all jarbled.”), we dream of selling paper in Scranton, as long as someone as cute as you is there to hide people’s cell phones in the ceiling. Sometimes it’s hard to separate fiction from reality, John. Which is why we’re writing you today. John, this thing with Mandy Moore has got to stop. Look, I know you’re “acting,” and it’s a “movie,” and “Robin Williams” is in it as your “marriage counselor,” but John – please don’t. Don’t leave us. Sure, that Ryan is cute, but Kelly’s got her claws into him two inches deep, and Michael – well, he’s not really a viable option unless it involves a trip to Jamaica. John, you’re all we’ve got. If we can’t pretend that we can prairie dog up over the cube wall and, somehow, see you sitting there, well – we have nothing to live for, John.

I hope you take this advice. Tell Mandy Moore to watch her back.

Love and kisses…sweet, sweet kisses,
American Women (and possibly some men too)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is NOW]
John Krasinski: I'm funny, attractive, and safe. I appeal primarily to single women 18-35 in the middle to upper middle class demographic, which is, I think, why Mandy Moore is in love with me.
Mandy Moore: Sorry about the record deal when I was in high school. Now, I'm a Hollywood version of a "real" woman, because I wear a size 6. I'm also funny, attractive, and safe. Let's get married, John Krasinski.
[they KISS in a SAFE, but AMUSING way]
Robin Williams: [in the VOICE of Fat Albert] Hey hey hey, kids!! Sure you wanna get married? Well, I'm going to test you to see if you can hack it!
[he DEVISES a bunch of CRAZY tests for them]
John Krasinski: [looks at camera CUTELY] I don't think this is going to turn out well.
Mandy Moore: Who are you talking to?
John Krasinski: No one…[looks at camera APOLOGETICALLY]
Robin Williams: [in the VOICE of Richard Nixon] I am not a crook, nor am I going to lead you down the wrong path.
[he takes them to a HOSPITAL to show them what COULD happen if they get KNOCKED UP]
Birthing Mother-to-Be: AAAAAAAAAAAA! [breathes in a LAMAZE fashion]
Robin Williams: [in the VOICE of Elmer Fudd] I'm hunting newbown babies.
[he PULLS the baby out and HANDS it to the COUPLE, who are COVERED in PLACENTA, then he RUNS around the room, WHOOPING]
Robin Williams: [in a FRENCH accent] Jen e sais quoi! Suis un lunatique!
John Krasinski: Seriously. What are you doing, dude?
Robin Williams: [explodes]
Mandy Moore: Ew. Now I have placenta and Robin Williams on me.
John Krasinski: Wanna make out, so all the girls can wish they were you?
Mandy Moore: They do anyway.
[they MAKE OUT, then get MARRIED]

Sight Unseen: Wild Hogs

I'm not going to say I'll never see this movie. If it was on TBS, and I was sick and unable to move from the couch or pick up the remote control, I might.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is THE SUBURBS]
Tim Allen: You guys, I'm bored. Let's go on a wacky road trip…on MOTORCYCLES!!
Martin Lawrence: Hell naw! Brothers don't like motorcycles. But my kids are bothering me, so okay.
John Travolta: I hope my toupee stays on with the wind in my hair.
William H. Macy: [sighs] Fine. I'll ride with you guys. But only because I'm getting paid millions of dollars with which I can fund more interesting independent films.
[they embark on an ADVENTURE on MOTORCYCLES and encounter many OBSTACLES]
Hot Woman: Hey guys, nice bikes.
[their eyes BULGE out of their HEADS a la that one WOLF in the OLD-TIMEY cartoons]
Hot Woman: Can I get a ride?
The Guys: Of course!
[she steals ALL THEIR MONEY]
John Travolta: What else could possibly go wrong?
[they drive into a MUD PIT]
John C. McGinley: Why didn't you see that mud pit? You must be drunk. Can I see a license and registration from you fellas?
Martin Lawrence: [says something CRAZY]
John C. McGinley: I'm going to have to take you fellas in. [FLEXES his Simon Cowell-like PECS]
William H. Macy: Swoon! This movie needs some homoerotic undertones.
[he has a FANTASY in which John C. McGinley RESCUES him from a BURNING BUILDING for some reason]
Tim Allen: Let's all just settle down. I'm sure we can figure this out.
[they have a huge KNIFE FIGHT]
John C. McGinley: You have proven your manliness. Go in peace.
Martin Lawrence: Hell yeah!
John Travolta: So have I told you guys about Scientology yet?
Tim Allen, William H. Macy, and Martin Lawrence: Oh, you!!
[they RIDE OFF as "Born to Be Wild" plays]

Sight Unseen: Music and Lyrics

Most of the time, I condense movies I've already seen. However, there are some movies that I'm convinced I don't have to see to write a fairly accurate condensed version. This week, we'll be highlighting some of those outings, starting with the romantic comedy that I got stuck with with in my movie fantasy league.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is ROMANTIC COMEDY LAND]

Hugh Grant: I say, it's been a while, America. Ready for a bit of my, er, well, uh, handsome…man…romance…thing? Right, then.

[he is ESTABLISHED as an OKAY GUY who is a little AWKWARD, but CHARMING]

Drew Barrymore: Who the heck is Hugh Grant?

Kristen Johnson: I know!! I know!! Look! It's me!! Remember me?!?!? I'm funny!!!

[Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant MEET in a QUIRKY way]

Drew Barrymore: Write lyrics? Me? I can't write lyrics. But I did make you this flower garland from flowers I grew in my very own garden, fertilized with organic compost. Aren't I quirky and/or cute?

Hugh Grant: Of course you can write lyrics, you just…well, here. Here's some music. Now, then, well, write some lyrics.

[she SINGS, poorly]

Hugh Grant: Oh. Well. Maybe not, then?

[they have some ADVENTURES with some SECONDARY CHARACTERS that have BETTER-WRITTEN parts than them]

Hugh Grant: Let's wrap this up, shall we?

Drew Barrymore: What? Oh, right.

[they KISS]