Laura McClain was lucky, and watched this on television. I, on the other hand, saw it IN THE THEATER, but only because we got there too late to see
U-571, which had already started. Talk about a rock and a hard place. But shit, at least Jon Bon Jovi is in U-571. The thing about Laura's condensed version below: it's not at all over-the-top compared to the actual film. And don't forget - Natalie Portman names her baby AMERICUS. And it's a girl baby.
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[it is CLEARLY the SOUTH, in the 1990’s]
Natalie Portman: I sure am excited that you and me are going to Oklahoma to make a life for ourselves and our unborn baby. I will now tell you my hopes and dreams, to both illustrate my naive nature, and to give me a checklist of life goals to achieve by the end of this movie.
[she LISTS off her LIFE GOALS, all of which are kind of WHITE TRASH]
Baby Daddy: Look, a Wal-Mart. Go inside.
Natalie Portman: Well, all right. But you stay right there, cause I know you are fully equipped to handle being a baby dadd-
[he SCREECHES away]
Natalie Portman: Shucks! I guess I’m-a gonna have to live in this-here Wal-Mart!
[we see many SCENES of her having WHOLESOME fun in the Wal-Mart late at night, but I still DON’T want to LIVE there]
Stockard Channing: Why, ain’t you the prettiest little knocked-up seventeen-year-old my eyes ever did see! Here, have a tree.
[she GIVES her a LITERAL tree]
Wise Photographer: [SAYS boring WISE THINGS]
Local “Weirdo”: Though I appear gruff and weird, I am actually a lot more normal than you good-hearted Okies. Since when is it weird to not invite a strange pregnant girl to live in your trailer with you?
[Natalie Portman GOES into LABOR and he JUMPS through a WINDOW to SAVE her, which means he was SPYING on her LIVING in the Wal-Mart, which is CREEPY]
Natalie Portman: Oh no! I can’t a-live in the Wal-Mart no more! What will I do??
Entire Town: We embrace you! Come wallow in good-hearted eccentricity with us!
[she DOES, living with Stockard Channing and BEFRIENDING Ashley Judd who is also really WHITE TRASH]
Natalie Portman: I wonder what wacky, Southern-fried mishaps I can get into now?
[many supposedly WACKY yet actually TRAGIC things happen, such as KIDNAPPING, faux-pregnancy, PHOTOGRAPHY, a fatal TORNADO, ALCOHOLISM, more PREGNANCY, probably another TORNADO and DEATH]
Natalie Portman: Phew! That sure was a crazy series of events in mah life! I guess the tragedy is all used up now -
[because their LIVES are not SAD and WHITE TRASH enough, Ashley Judd’s KIDS get MOLESTED]
Local “Weirdo”: Damn, when you look at the laundry list of things, this movie is much more tragic than heartwarming. What say you and I get married, cause I am clearly crazy in love with you, and helped you raise your daughter and was essentially your slave for five years?
Natalie Portman: No thanks. I don’t want you to be all white-trash too. I clearly hate myself, and don’t want either me or mah child to be happy. Plus, I found out that my baby daddy had a totally irrelevant subplot in which he was in jail, then was a country singer, then got his legs chopped off by a train.
Audience: Am I watching a fucking “Lifetime” movie?
Movie Director: Eee - better wind this up happily.
Ashley Judd: I found love again with a non-molester!
Wise Photographer: [BORES us again with his WISDOM]
Baby Daddy: I didn’t even like mah legs!
Local “Weirdo”: I am no longer weird!
Natalie Portman: Oh, all right. I’ll marry you.
Audience: Phew. I am uplifted. Let’s go to Wal-Mart.
I did, in fact, see this movie, and for a second, I thought I might have written it, so spot-on was my prediction of the ending. When you introduce a vintage wedding dress, a book of love letters, and a mention of City Hall at the beginning of the movie, come on - it's like the metaphorical gun that must be fired in Act Three. However, I did enjoy it.
