Legends of the Fall

This is my family's favorite movie. My dad would always insist on playing the soundtrack on long car rides, making our trips through rural Illinois to visit my grandparents seem majestic and deeply emotional. I was never really a fan (Brad Pitt eats a heart at one point, which is a big no thanks) but I did enjoy this rewatch.

**

[it is MONTANA, in the PAST]
One Stab [in VO]: Hello. I am here to tell you the tale of three brothers. And I thiiiiiink I’m a pretty respectful portrayal of a Native person?
[we HEAR the BACKSTORY of the Ludlow family in which Anthony Hopkins STOPS being an Army Colonel because he HATES the TRAIL OF TEARS and BUILDS a MANSION in the MIDDLE of NOWHERE and has THREE SONS and his WIFE is like “Smell ya later, I’m going back to civilization,” and Strapping Baby Brad Pitt MAIMS a GRIZZLY on an ADVENTURE so you KNOW he’s the COOL one]
One Stab [in VO]: The boys were BFFs and nothing could ever, ever, EVER tear them apart.
[it is LATER]
Elliott from E.T.: Hello, family! I am home from Harvard, and I have brought along my beautiful fiancé, Hubris. I mean “Susannah.”
[Aidan Quinn STARES at her like a SEX MURDERER]
Julia Ormond: What a beautiful landscape! I know I’ll be happy here with my boyish husb- wuh wuh wuh WUHHH?
[Brad Pitt APPEARS across the VISTA on a HORSE, with FLOWING FLAXEN LOCKS and ROUGHSHOD CHARM in TOW]
Julia Ormond: Holy SHIT.
[she LEARNS the WAY of the LAND cause she’s NOT like the OTHER GIRLS]
Anthony Hopkins: [CHOMPING on a GIANT CIGAR] What a treat to have a woman in the house again. Surely this will have no tragic consequences!
[Julia Ormond longingly WATCHES Brad Pitt TAME a WILD and SYMBOLIC horse]
Elliott from E.T.: I have enlisted in the army, due to my idealism.
Anthony Hopkins: You’re a damned fool! You’re the wimpiest one!
Julia Ormond: Please go protect him, Brad Pitt.
[she WEEPS and he HOLDS her in his MUSCULAR grip and they ALMOST KISS]
Aidan Quinn: [LURKING in the SHADOWS] Whaaaa?!
[it is WAR]
Elliott from E.T. [via letter]: It’s very gross here and I keep peeing my pants with fear. Maybe this was a bad idea.
[there are VIOLENT MONTAGES of his BROTHERS not LETTING him do ANYTHING on the field of BATTLE, some of which I FAST-FORWARDED]
Aidan Quinn: Our brother has joined a suicide mission to prove his bravery! You’re supposed to be supervising!
[Elliott DIES, obviously, and Brad Pitt is EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED and maybe EATS his HEART? and EVENTUALLY the BROTHERS return HOME to BEGIN their RIFT]
Aidan Quinn: This is kind of awkward, seeing as you’re basically my brother’s widow, but I love you. Please marry me.
Julia Ormond: :/
[she BONES Brad Pitt INSTEAD and they SPEND a LOT OF TIME brushing their LUSCIOUS LOCKS out of each other’s FACES]
Aidan Quinn: You’ll never make her happy. But you also have to marry her.
Brad Pitt: I will do both of those things.
[he DOES NOT]
Aidan Quinn: I'll show you all! I’m going to Helena to become a capitalist!
[MEANWHILE, Brad Pitt and Julia Ormond HERD cattle and BATHE in RIVERS and have NO FUN EVER, and he is CATATONIC]
Emo Brad Pitt: Since I almost accidentally murdered you because of my PTSD, I’m leaving now. To where I know not.
Julia Ormond: I’ll wait for you forever.*
[he PEACES OUT and the MUSIC is SO LOUD]
One Stab [in VO]: He had to find his destiny, like the rocks that meet the river and the sun shining in the sky and the mountains reaching to the heavens, and the bears feasting on children in the woods.
[Julia Ormond WRITES Brad Pitt LETTERS in her MIND and we see MONTAGES of him being DASHED ABOUT on SHIPS and MURDERING exotic ANIMALS for TUSKS]
Emo Brad Pitt [via LETTER]: I am dead, emotionally. Marry someone else.
Julia Ormond: WEEP.
Aidan Quinn: You always loved him more, Daddy! He stole my girlfriend and he killed our brother.
[Anthony Hopkins ROARS in ANGUISH and has an TRAUMA STROKE and it is SAD]
One Stab [in VO and I just REALIZED that he NEVER actually TALKS]: I heard a stirring in the winds and a beating in the heart of the land and other mystical stuff.
[Brad Pitt CRESTS a HILL yet again with a MILLION HORSES because this ASSHOLE always has to MAKE an ENTRANCE]
Brad Pitt: I’m ho-o-o-me! I shall never explain how I overcame my man pain. Here are some tusks. Look at my hair!
[it is BEAUTIFUL]
The Ranch Hand: Julia Ormond moved to Helena to marry your brother, who finally wore her down. He’s a congressman!
Isabel Two: Welcome home, Brad Pitt. It’s me, the hot daughter of the ranch hand who loved you as a young girl and who wasn’t brought up earlier in this recap because this movie is so long.
Brad Pitt: SCHWING.
[they FALL in LOVE via MONTAGE and get MARRIED and have BEAUTIFUL children]
Ranch Hand: You don’t really have any work skills so maybe become a bootlegger?
[he DOES and doesn’t PLAY by the RULES and the “corporate” BOOTLEGGERS are PISSED, but I wasn’t REALLY paying ATTENTION at this part]
Brad Pitt: Hello, Aidan Quinn and Julia Ormond. Nice to see you at this county fair as I frolic with my perfect family.
[she has ZERO CHILL and it’s like GIRL, get AHOLD of yourself]
Brad Pitt: Tra la, back to the ranch, family!
[they are FOLLOWED by the COPS who are in the POCKETS of the EVIL BOOTLEGGERS(?) and there is a STANDOFF and Isabel Two is KILLED by a ROGUE BULLET and it is HORRIBLE]
Brad Pitt: NOT AGAAAAAAAIN!
[he BEATS everyone UP and GOES to JAIL for a WHILE]
Brad Pitt: I know what I must do.
[there is a STRESSFUL MONTAGE where he and his RANCH BROS go on a MIDNIGHT REVENGE RAID interposed with Julia Ormond WEEPING at HERSELF in the MIRROR and CUTTING OFF her HAIR]
Brad Pitt: [SCALPS the shooter GUY, like I get that you’re MAD but HOLY SHIT, dude]
Julia Ormond: [SHOOTS herself]
Aidan Quinn: I played by all the rules and you played by none of them, and they all loved you more.*
The Evil Bootlegger: We’re here to kill you, Brad Pitt.
Anthony Hopkins: [unintelligible BEAR ROAR]
[the OLD BOY still has some GRIT in him, and SHOOTS most of THEM and then Aidan Quinn SHOOTS the main one UNEXPECTEDLY from BEHIND the HOUSE because the Ludlows will ALWAYS be BROTHERS even when they all BANG the same GIRL]
Aidan Quinn: Let’s have a reconciliation in front of these three corpses. Now let’s go bury them in the woods…as a family.
[they DO that GUY thing where they HUG AGGRESSIVELY and CRY-LAUGH and MEANWHILE the BODIES are just LYING there]
One Stab [VO]: Yes indeed, the body count was high for everyone that loved Brad Pitt. He was the rock they broke themselves against.*
[it is the FUTURE and OLD MAN Brad Pitt is MAULED to DEATH in SLOW MOTION by a GRIZZLY that is MAYBE the SAME one from the BEGINNING of the MOVIE but I’m not an EXPERT on the LIFESPAN of GRIZZLIES]
One Stab [VO]: It was a good death.*
My Family: [LEAPS to their FEET APPLAUDING]

*actual line from movie

The Skin I Live In

[it is TOLEDO 2012]
Vera: I do my yoga. I wear a bodysuit. I make folk art. I am very beautiful. But I am a prisoner. Or maybe I am crazy? No one is sure yet.
Marilia: Si. Here is some food in the dumbwaiter for you, since I cannot enter your room.
[it is a MEDICAL CONFERENCE]
Antonio Banderas: I made some super skin and also I am super sexy! Okay, but seriously, this skin is crazy. It can't be burned, and it's impenetrable to mosquitoes.
Colleague: Hold on...how did you test this skin?
Antonio Banderas: On...uh...mice.
[meanwhile, at his GORGEOUS COMPOUND]
Antonio Banderas: Can you feel this blowtorch?
Vera: No.
[she CUTS herself with PAPER because she is not allowed ANYTHING SHARP]
Antonio Banderas: Your skin is so soft.* Now I will repair you again, to be so, so beautiful.
Marilia: You know she looks just like your dead wife, right?
Antonio Banderas: Uh...no she doesn't.
[there are MANY SHOTS of BEAUTY]
Antonio Banderas: Fire all the servants. It's just you now, Marilia. BRB.
A Man Dressed as a Tiger: Let me in! I'm your son! It's Carnevale, so it's okay that I'm dressed as a tiger.
[he shows his BUTT MOLE to prove it]
Marilia: Oh, my little tiger!*
[she LETS HIM IN]
Zeca, the Tiger: Hey mom. I'm back. Can I just hang out here for a while? No reason.
Conveniently-Placed News Report: Security cameras captured footage of the jewelry heist earlier today.
[it is ZECA, robbin' shit]
Zeca: Aw jeez. Now I have to tie you up so you don't call the cops.
[he sees VERA on the SECURITY TV and LICKS her image and it is REAL CREEPY]
Zeca: Where is she! Where is the key to that room with that beautiful woman in it!?
[he FINDS her and they FIGHT but then he KISSES her]
Zeca: I thought you were dead! When I left, you were on fire!!
Vera: Uh....
Zeca: Okay, well, let's have sex.
Vera: Uh...........
[he RAPES her but Antonio Banderas gets home JUST IN TIME and fucking SHOOTS him]
Marilia: There's a LOT of blood here. These stains will never come out!!
Vera: So, uh, what was that about?
Marilia: Okay, so I know up to this point everything has been very subtle and slightly confusing but in that nice "you figure it out" kind of way? Well, let's leave that to the side for a moment and just straight EXPOSIT some shit. First of all: you look like the dead wife, who had an affair with and also ran away with my son Zeca. Also, Antonio Banderas is my son, but he doesn't know it. Also, his wife was burned in a car crash trying to run off with Zeca. Also, the wife killed herself in front of her daughter (they had a daughter), who also killed herself.
Vera: Whoa.
Marilia: I know.
Antonio Banderas: So...do you want to sleep with me tonight?
Vera: Okay.
[SIX YEARS EARLIER, in a VINTAGE STORE]
Vincente: I'm going to a wedding, you want to come? You should try this dress on.
Cristina: No! And I won't wear that dress. And also I am a lesbian.
Vincente: Maaaaaan! I can't get no play!
Vincente's Mom: Oh, Vincente! Stop pestering the lesbian!
Vincente: Fine, I'm out!
[the wedding is FANCY and SUMPTUOUS and BEAUTIFULLY SHOT]
Antonio Banderas: My daughter seems to be doing all right, even though they let her out of the loony bin to come to this wedding.
Norma: Ha ha! I'm not crazy! NOT CRAZY AT ALL.
Vincente: Who is that not-crazy girl over there? She fine.
[they go for a WALK in the WOODS]
Vincente: I am SUPER HIGH right now. Let's have sex!
[he CLIMBS around ON TOP of her]
Norma: Uhhhhh...
[she hears the SONG that she was SINGING when she saw her mother FALL to her DEATH]
Norma: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MY MEMORIES!!!!!!
Vincente: Shit! This girl is now crazy. I better run!
Antonio Banderas: Mija! What happened?!
Norma: AAAAAAHHHH RAPIST!!!!
[she goes back to the CRAZY PEN]
Antonio Banderas: Are you okay?
[she WAILS and goes in the CLOSET]
Doctor: She thinks you raped her. You should probably stop coming to see her.
[she KILLS herself]
Antonio Banderas: She is dead because that kid at the wedding raped her. VENDETTA TIME.
Vincente: La, la, la, drivin' my scooter...hey!
[there is a SCARY VAN trying to RUN HIM off the ROAD]
Antonio Banderas in a Creepy Mask: Sedatives! BOOM. NOW YOU ARE KIDNAPPED.
[he LOCKS him in a CAVE]
Vincente: What is happening? Why am I in a cave?? What the hell???
Antonio Banderas: Here's some water, but no explanations.
[he keeps him CAPTIVE for a while, then CHLOROFORMS him]
Antonio Banderas: Hey, doctor friends. We have a secret surgery to do.
Colleague: Huh. Seems like a weird procedure.
Antonio Banderas: He knows exactly what he wants.*
[they OPERATE on him in the SECRET OPERATING ROOM]
Vincente: What...what happened?
Antonio Banderas: Oh, you have a vagina now.
Vincente: Wait...what?
Antonio Banderas: YA BURNT. DON'T RAPE PEOPLE'S DAUGHTERS.
Vincente: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiit.
[Antonio Banderas performs MANY EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURES on him until he looks like THE DEAD WIFE]
Antonio Banderas: I can't keep calling you Vincente. You are too beautiful. I will call you Vera, a name FILLED WITH MEANING.
Vera: Well, I want to die.
[she SLITS her own THROAT]
Antonio Banderas: You can never get away from me. Look, I fixed your throat. Now you are my prisoner. My revenge is vast.
[it is the PRESENT]
Colleague: So, uh...I just noticed this story in the paper about this guy who disappeared six years ago - did you...did we turn him into a woman?
Antonio Banderas: No! No. Don't be silly.
Marilia: We have to kill her! EVERYONE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
Vera: But I promised never to leave him.
Antonio Banderas: She promised! See? Everything's cool. Take her shopping, would you?
Marilia: What? Okay.
[they go SHOPPING and Vera buys the DRESS that Vincente liked]
Vera: I have to go get the lube if you want to have sex with me, in my fake vagina, that you created.
Antonio Banderas: That is so fucked up. Go get it!
[she gets the LUBE but also A GUN]
Antonio Banderas: But you promised you'd never leave me.
Vera: I lied.*
[she just fucking SHOOTS HIM DEAD]
Marilia: What! My son!
Vera: I'm under the bed, bitch!
[she SHOOTS her too]
Vera: Now I am revenged for six years of torture, and also being made into a woman.
[s/he returns to the VINTAGE STORE]
Vera: Hey Cristina. I'm back.
Cristina: Bokayyyyyy. You fine.
Vera: I'm Vincente.
Vincente's Mom: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
[FIN]

Drive

[it is LOS ANGELES]
Ryan Gosling: I am a driver. I drive. I drive so well that I can plan to drive some robbers to the Staples Center in this nondescript silver Impala just as the basketball game is ending so no one will catch us.
[he is SILENT and DRIVES real good and they GET AWAY]
Bryan Cranston: You are so good at stunt driving! I wish you could drive racecars so I could make money off your driving skills. I like money and have a limp.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears RUBBER MASK, drives STUNTS in a MOVIE]
[meanwhile, at his APARTMENT]
Carey Mulligan: I live on the fourth floor.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears SCORPION JACKET]
[they LOOK at each other and then CLOSE their DOORS but it is MEANINGFUL]
Ryan Gosling: I better get groceries. Even stoic stunt slash robbery drivers need to eat.
[he sees CAREY and her SON and they are being CUTE in the GROCERY STORE]
Carey Mulligan: My car is broken.
[suddenly they are in the ELEVATOR of their APARTMENT so maybe he fixed their CAR or maybe DROVE them home, because he is a DRIVER]
Carey Mulligan: My son's father is in prison.
Little Boy: I have a pumpkin mask on.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, is ATTRACTIVE]
[meanwhile, at the GARAGE]
Carey Mulligan: My car broke down again, or possibly is still broken down.
Ryan Gosling: [SMILES crookedly]
Bryan Cranston: He's a good mechanic, even though he doesn't have a name. Or a past? Maybe? You two are both attractive, though, so maybe he should give you and your adorable child a ride home.
Ryan Gosling: Wanna see something?
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they drive in that PLACE where they DRAG RACED in GREASE to a SONG that sounds like the 80s but also like maybe something that would play in the LOBBY of a FANCY CLUB but not actually IN THE CLUB]
Ryan Gosling: It's a creek.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they LOOK at the CREEK and are IN LOVE or something]
Carey Mulligan: My husband is getting out of prison in a week.
Ryan Gosling: [stoic HOTNESS]
Bryan Cranston: We're going to get a stock car so you can drive it and make money, and Albert Brooks is going to help us.
Albert Brooks: Fine. Here's $300,000. But I want to meet this kid.
[he puts out his HAND to SHAKE it]
Ryan Gosling: My hands are a little dirty.*
Albert Brooks: So are mine.*
[they LOOK at each other]
Albert Brooks: Okay. But I have to tell my partner.
Ron Perlman: That's me! I am weird-looking and angry. And I am the one who gave your friend that limp!
Bryan Cranston: Yes.
[meanwhile, at the APARTMENT]
Standard, the Babydaddy: I'm out of prison! Also I am named Standard. Also I am quite attractive.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they have a PARTY for being out of PRISON]
Standard: I hear you have been helping my wife out.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK]
Standard: Thank you for that. Although you are extremely attractive, I am maybe not at all suspicious of you?
[he gets BEAT UP by some THUGS]
Standard: They want me to rob a pawn shop, but I want to go straight.
Ryan Gosling: I will help you, but really it is because I want to help your wife and child, which is not weird at all.
Little Boy: I have a bullet.
Ryan Gosling: Let me have it. I might need it later for intimidation purposes.
[meanwhile, at what might be the LA BREA TAR PITS]
Thug in Track Suit: You guys need to rob this pawn shop, and Blanche is going to help you.
Standard: I will do it! I will do anything to protect my family!!
Christina Hendricks: I'm Blanche, but in case you forget, my earrings say my name on them.
[they ROB the pawn shop and Blanche takes the MONEY but Standard gets SHOT and it is VERY STARTLING]
Ryan Gosling: I will drive.
[they DRIVE and somehow GET AWAY]
Ryan Gosling: Why did they follow us?
Christina Hendricks: I don't know! I'm too attractive to know anything!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan Gosling: [puts on DRIVING GLOVES and THREATENS her]
Christina Hendricks: Okay, they were always going to rob us of the money. It was a setup. But I didn't know he'd get killed! I have to go put on my lip gloss.
[her fucking HEAD gets BLOWN OFF because there are THUGS outside the ROOM]
Ryan Gosling: [is the CALMEST PERSON in the WORLD]
Random Thug: Aaaargh! You stabbed me with the shower curtain rod!!!
Ryan Gosling: I am covered in blood. My scorpion jacket is covered in blood.
[he goes to a STRIP CLUB where the STRIPPERS have iPHONES]
Ryan Gosling: Hi. I have a hammer and a bullet, and I will hammer this bullet into your head if you don't tell me what the fuck is up.
Thug in Track Suit: I work for Ron Perlman! Call him!
Strippers: [complete BOREDOM]
Bryan Cranston: Ummmmm so I'm super-sorry about this but I sort of told Albert Brooks about this whole thing with the heist and since it turns out his partner is behind the whole thing you are kind of their target now. Sorry.
Carey Mulligan: My husband is dead now.
Ryan Gosling: I was trying to protect you.
[they get in the ELEVATOR and there is a BESUITED THUG there]
Ryan Gosling: Now I will kiss you.
[they KISS and it is PRETTY HOT but then he STOMPS the guy's HEAD in and WOW that is NOT HOT]
Ryan Gosling: I must warn my friend(?) Bryan Cranston.
Bryan Cranston: I will leave town!
Albert Brooks: No, you won't.
[he SLITS Bryan Cranston's WRISTS with a STRAIGHT RAZOR and SHIT it is gross]
Ryan Gosling: My only friend(?) is dead now. I must make sure that woman that I maybe love for no clear reason and her son are safe.
[he uses his DRIVING SKILLS to RUN Ron Perlman OFF THE ROAD]
Ron Perlman: I will run into the ocean to escape! Oh wait, no, I will be drowned.
Ryan Gosling: Now it's just you and me, Albert Brooks. Carey Mulligan, I must leave you.
[they LOOK at each other's BEAUTY]
Carey Mulligan: Goodbye.
[a SONG plays that is either the same song from BEFORE or another VERY SIMILAR SONG]
Albert Brooks: Meet me at a Chinese restaurant. There, I will collect the money. And then stab you.
Ryan Gosling: No, I will stab you.
[they STAB each other but Ryan Gosling is BETTER at STABBING and stays ALIVE]
Ryan Gosling: I guess I will continue to drive now.
[he LITERALLY drives off into the SUNSET though since they are in CALIFORNIA does that mean he is driving INTO THE SEA?]

X-Men: First Class

I like how, on this poster, they put Havok on it, but so, so far back that it almost doesn't matter that he's there, like the tiny CGI horse at 0:38 in this Beyonce video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is WWII Germany]
L'il Fassbender: Nooooo! Don't take meine Mutti away!! Noooo! We are Jews!!!!
[he BENDS a GATE and the Nazis are like WHAT]
L'il Fassbender: Raaaaaaaaaaage!!! My rage makes metal do things!!!!
[it is WESTCHESTER, also during WWII]
L'il McAvoy: Oh, hello, possible burglar. I don't mean to pry, but...you're clearly not my mother, though you look like her. I was just wondering what you were doing in my kitchen. Also I was wondering why I have an English accent, since we're in America.
L'il Lawrence: Uh...I'm a shapeshifter. My real form is blue and weird-looking. But I guess you knew that because you can read minds. Not really sure about the accent thing, though.
L'il McAvoy: Jolly good, we're both mutants then! You can live with me, though we are both, like, 10.
[back in GERMANY]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Move this coin.
L'il Fassbender: I can't!
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: No? Okay, I'll shoot your mom then.
[he DOES, and L'il Fassbender goes NUTBALLS and all the METAL everywhere is, like, DESTROYED]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Yes! Yes!!! Mutants!!!!
[it is LATER, during the SWINGING SIXTIES]
James McAvoy: You have a mutation...a very groovy mutation.*
Random Hot Girl: Hahahaha! Your stupid pickup line totally worked on me!
Jennifer Lawrence: Sigh.
[it is LAS VEGAS]
Extremely Unnecessary Title Card: LAS VEGAS, NV
Rose Byrne: Look! It's that general! I'm going to tail him in lingerie, just like a CIA agent would, because I am totally a CIA agent, you guys.
[she DOES, because in the SIXTIES, all ladies wore FANCY UNDIES ALWAYS]
January Jones: Are my breasts big enough to distract you from how bad I am at acting?
Kevin Bacon: ...not really.
January Jones: Oh well, here they are anyway. I can turn into diamonds LOL
[she LURES the GENERAL into a ROOM with her VACANT SEXINESS]
Kevin Bacon: You better vote for the government to put nukes in Turkey!
General: No!
Kevin Bacon: Yes!
[the TORNADO-MAKING GUY shows his MUTANT POWERS and also his SWEET LUXURIOUS MANE]
General: Okay! Your tornadoes, and to a lesser extent, your hair, have convinced me.
[the RED MUTANT spirits him AWAY via MUTANT POWERS]
Rose Byrne: Nukes in Turkey! And mutants!! That's no good! I better tell the rest of the CIA!
[they don't BELIEVE her because of SEXISM]
Rose Byrne: Damn my lingerie!! I must find a mutant expert! That's a real thing, right?
[meanwhile, in ARGENTINA]
Michael Fassbender: I'll have a beer, please, and also the square jaw of Viggo Mortensen. Oh wait, I already have that. Just the beer, I guess.
Some Guys Who Are Clearly Nazis in Hiding: Deutsches Bier...das Beste.
Michael Fassbender: BUSTED. You guys are totally Nazis. And I'm a Jew...who is gonna kill your asses!!!
[he DOES, spectacularly]
Michael Fassbender: Revenge!!!!!
[meanwhile, on a BOAT]
General: Okay, so now that I've helped you get the nukes into Turkey, I can just, like, chill out, right?
Kevin Bacon: NOPE. And guess what? I'm also a mutant!! And my mutant power is absorbing energy!! Like the energy from that grenade you were going to try to kill me with!!!! But instead I will kill you!!!!!!
[he DOES, also spectacularly, but less so]
Rose Byrne: I need to find a mutant expert.
James McAvoy: I am a charming mutant expert. You have a very groovy mutation...*
Rose Byrne: Okay, stop trying to charm me, this is serious. I need your help at the CIA.
CIA Heads: These mutants might be dangerous! We can't HIRE them!
Oliver Platt: Yes, but I can! I'm in this movie!!
James McAvoy: Okay, but first we have to find Kevin Bacon. I will do it with my mind powers.
[they FIND him on his BOAT and try to CAPTURE him but he gets away in his SUBMARINE]
Michael Fassbender: Nooooo!!! My revenge!!!
James McAvoy: Stop trying to stop his submarine with your powers of metal, new friend. Just calm down in the water here with me. Rest your head upon my shoulder. Not in a gay way or anything.
[they DO NOT KISS but really SHOULD]
Oliver Platt: I'm still in the movie! Enjoy it while it lasts! Let's go to my compound.
About A Boy: Hi guys! I'm a scientist! And a mutant! Please don't stare at my feet!
[his FEET are HUGE]
Jennifer Lawrence: Bokayyyyy! You also have mutant body issues, just like me! Maybe we can work through them together.
About A Boy: Also I made this thing that can amplify telepathic powers! Let's find some more mutants! Here, put this thing on your head.
James McAvoy: Don't touch my hair.*
[there is a MUTANT-FINDING montage that is PRETTY GREAT]
Angel: I'm a stripper with bug wings!
Havok: I can shoot red flame things!
Darwin: I adapt to my environment! Also I am black, FYI.
Banshee: I can yell real loud!
James McAvoy: Great! You guys hang out here and we'll go see what the bad guys are up to.
[the BAD GUYS attack the COMPOUND and basically DESTROY it except for the MUTANTS]
Angel: I'm switching sides, you guys.
Darwin: Nooooooo!
[he tries to STOP HER but instead is KILLED because of TROPES]
Kevin Bacon: Come on, stripper bug, let's get out of here.
[meanwhile, in RUSSIA]
January Jones: Seriously, check out this rack, you guys. It is, like, amazing. I just want to look at my own breasts all day.
Michael Fassbender: Yeah, we get it.
James McAvoy: Now tell us the plan! Oh wait, I'm a telepath, I'll just look in your brain and find it out!
[he DOES]
James McAvoy: Oh shit, Kevin Bacon is going to start World War III! All right, back to the compound to assemble our army of teen mutants.
Jennifer Lawrence: Um...it's destroyed.
James McAvoy: Oh, easy fix, we'll just go to my insanely huge mansion upstate.
[they DO, and do a GROOVY TRAINING MONTAGE]
Teen Mutants: We are good at our powers now!
Michael Fassbender: I learned to harness my emotions to move a satellite dish!
James McAvoy: Yes. Use the place between rage and serenity.*
Michael Fassbender: Isn't that, like...all the emotions? Like, if rage is a 10, serenity is a 1?
James McAvoy: Shut up, it sounds good.
[they both shed A SINGLE TEAR but still DO NOT KISS]
About A Boy: I brought you a present!
Jennifer Lawrence: Is it chocolates?
About A Boy: No, it's a serum that will fix how you are so ugly.
Jennifer Lawrence: That is a terrible present!
[she tries to deal with her MUTANT BODY ISSUES by THROWING HERSELF at Fassbender]
Michael Fassbender: You fine, but not now. But let me reiterate: daaaaamn, you fine.
About A Boy: I was just trying to help...I'll take the serum myself, though.
[he DOES and he turns BLUE and FURRY]
About A Boy: My comeuppance!!! Now I will grow up to be Kelsey Grammer! Whyyyyy!!
Rose Byrne: Ummmmm you guys we still kind of need your help to capture this bad guy...the Cuban missile crisis is happening and I think he's going to use it to start a war so mutants can take over.
Kevin Bacon: Yes!! That is totally my plan! I will wear this helmet the Russians made to block out telepaths! It does not look stupid AT ALL.
[there is an INTENSE STANDOFF involving the EMBARGO LINE and MICHAEL IRONSIDE]
Kevin Bacon: Hahaha! When the Americans shoot that Russian ship that my henchmen now have control of, a global thermonuclear war will be launched!
James McAvoy: Oh no you don't!
[he TELEPATHICALLY makes a RUSSIAN DUDE blow up the RUSSIAN SHIP so there is NO WAR]
Michael Fassbender: Now, for my revenge.
James McAvoy: No! Don't do it! Be the better man!
Michael Fassbender: Dude, he killed my mom.
[he STEALS the STUPID HELMET and kills Kevin Bacon with a COIN through his FOREHEAD]
Michael Fassbender: Remember this coin from earlier? I CAN MOVE IT NOW, BITCH.
[he DOES NOT actually say that but he is TOTALLY THINKING IT]
James McAvoy: We can coexist with humans!
Michael Fassbender: Then why did the Americans and Russians BOTH just shoot all their missiles at us?
James McAvoy: Oh. Well, shit.
Michael Fassbender: We can never live peacefully with them!!
[he uses his METAL POWERS to aim the MISSILES back where they CAME FROM]
James McAvoy: What are you doing?!
Rose Byrne: Yeah, stop that!
[she SHOOTS and one of the bullets is DEFLECTED into James McAvoy's LUMBAR REGION]
James McAvoy: My spine!!!
Michael Fassbender: I guess we are enemies now, old friend. Bye!
Jennifer Lawrence: I'm, uh...I'm switching sides too. Mutant and proud!!
James McAvoy: Great. I'm paralyzed and have no friends. I guess I'll open a mutant school. That seems appropriate.
Michael Fassbender: And I'll find that diamond lady with the big ta-tas!
January Jones: That's me!
[she STARES VACANTLY]
Michael Fassbender: Now I shall be called...MAGNETO!!!
[he puts on a CAPE for some reason]

The Green Hornet

[it is 1990]
Tom Wilkinson: Well, well, well, son. Looks like we're going to need some clunky exposition. I'll handle that. You're in trouble at school again. I know you're having a tough time with your mother's death, but I need to run this newspaper! Also, your name is Britt. Sorry about that.
Li'l Rogen: I hate you!!!!! I am going to rebel SO HARD later!!!
[it is LATER]
James Franco: Hey. I'm in this movie, doing a favor for my best bud, the Rog-man. And somehow everything I do is hilarious. And I'm taking over all the crime in this town. My name is even better: James Clear, and I sell crystal meth, so they call me "Crystal Clear." PRETTY GOOD. Sorry, Nazi dude. You're just not scary enough.
Christoph Waltz: Not scary enough? NOT SCARY ENOUGH???
[he SHOOTS Franco's henchmen with a DOUBLE-BARRELLED PISTOL and then fucking BLOWS the whole CLUB up]
Christoph Waltz: That's right, I'm fucking scary.
[meanwhile, in a HOTEL]
Seth Rogen: Woooooooooooooooooooo!! I'm rich and I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!
[he MAKES OUT with a HOT GIRL in every one of his DAD'S CARS in FAST MOTION like it is a MUSIC VIDEO]
Michel Gondry: Oui, I directed this.
Tom Wilkinson: I'm trying to clean up this city with my news reporting and you aren't doing anything to help! I'm going to take a walk in the garden to clear my head.
Seth Rogen: FINE, DAD, I HATE YOUUUU. I'm just going to drink this delicious, delicious coffee with a leaf drawn on the top.
News Report: Newspaper magnate Your Dad just died of a bee sting.
Seth Rogen: Nooooooooo! But I hated him!! But he was my dad! Conflict!!
[his coffee comes with NO LEAF and is GROSS]
Seth Rogen: Where's my fucking coffeeeeeee!
Maid: You fired everyone who worked for your father, though I'm not exactly sure why you would do that. Anyway, Kato, your dad's mechanic, used to make your coffee.
Kato: Yup. Check it.
[he shows him the COFFEE MACHINE and makes him a BETTER CUP]
Kato: Also I gave this one car polycarbonate windows, so you can't smash them.
Seth Rogen: Oh man! You are so cool! Let's get drunk in the garage and be buds!!
[they DO, and listen to RECORDS on the RECORD PLAYER in the CAR, because that is a THING]
Seth Rogen: I like you because you also hated my dad! Let's go cut the head off his statue!
[they DO, but also STOP some THUGS from a ROBBERY with PUNCHING and stylized FIGHTING]
Michel Gondry: Oui, zis is my movie.
Kato: Is that why everything looks weird and cool?
Michel Gondry: Oui.
Seth Rogen: I know! We can fight crime all the time! It would be so badass!
Kato: Um, I don't know.
Seth Rogen: Come on, dude! Live up to your potential! What do you want the name of your autobiography to be? Balls Deep in Shitkicking Dudes, by Kato? I would read that, and I don't read shit, but when they made the movie of it, I would see the shit out of it.*
Kato: Okay. As long as we can listen to "Gangsta's Paradise" on vinyl while we drive.
Seth Rogen: Absolutely.
[they become HEROES? but actually just drive their CAR into METH LABS and give people a BUSINESS CARD with their EMAIL ADDRESS on it]
Christoph Waltz: Who is this guy?
Seth Rogen: Ooh, and I can use my newly-inherited media empire to spread the gospel about this new criminal. We'll call him...THE GREEN BEE.
Staff: Um...that sucks.
Kato: How about THE GREEN HORNET.
Staff: Better.
[the NEWSPAPER is all about the GREEN HORNET because Seth Rogen RUNS it]
Christoph Waltz: The green hornet is ruining my crime empire!!!
Cameron Diaz: Oh, hey, I'm your temporary secretary. And I have a minor in criminology, so I should be really helpful on this Green Hornet thing.
Seth Rogen: Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn, you too FINE to be temporary! HIRED!
[she uses her MINOR in CRIMINOLOGY to PREDICT what the HORNET will do]
Seth Rogen: We got an email!! We got an email from the bad guy in our Hotmail account!!
[they LITERALLY SHOW the WINDOWS LIVE sign-in page]
Seth Rogen: Oh, now we have to go meet the big bad guy in a vacant lot. This should go well.
Kato: I don't know if we ---
Seth Rogen: I AM IN CHARGE, KATO.
[he BURIES them in a HOLE in their CAR but then they BLAST the car OUT and it is KIND OF COOL but they kill a HENCHMAN]
Christoph Waltz: You killed Chili, my favorite henchman! YOU WILL PAY.
Kato: Can I show off my fighting skills some more?
Michel Gondry: Oui.
[he DOES and it is COOL]
Seth Rogen: You think you're SO AWESOME with your karate skills and your car-building skills and shit. I was the one who suggested ejector seats!! And you went on a date with my secretary!
Kato: Oh, it was more than a date.
[they FIGHT over a WOMAN who is too hot for EITHER of them]
Kato: FINE. I'm OUT.
[meanwhile, in a WAREHOUSE]
Christoph Waltz: I have decided that my new name, instead of Chudnofsky, is now BLOODnofsky, and I will wear only red and have a catchphrase!! I'm not sure why!! Also I wear a gas mask!
DA Scanlon: Oh hey, Britt - I was hoping you could meet me at Compachi Hibachi on La Cienaga at 8:30 tonight to discuss me buying you off to make me look better in your paper. I mean...for dinner.
Email from Bad Guy: Hello, Green Hornet. I would like to hire you to kill Britt Reid. AT THE COMPACHI HIBACHI ON LA CIENAGA.
Kato: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
[they ALL go to Compachi Hibachi on La Cienaga]
DA Scanlon: I would like to pay you to print only good stories. I tried to get your dad to do the same, but he wouldn't, so I killed him.
Seth Rogen: Oh really? Because I just recorded you saying that, motherfucker!! It's all on this flash drive that looks like sushi!!
DA Scanlon: Oh REALLY? Because the Green Hornet is going to kill you!!
Kato: NOPE. Oh, and I forgive you.
Seth Rogen: Thanks. Let's kick ass. I have a gas gun.
Christoph Waltz: I'm ungassable!!*
[they have a SHOOT-OUT and literally the most LUDICROUS CAR CHASE in the ENTIRE WORLD that involves the NEWSPAPER PRINTING AREA and a GLASS ELEVATOR and only the FRONT HALF of the car driving around in a BUILDING]
Michel Gondry: Oui. Zis car chase is fantastique.
Seth Rogen: Now to upload the mp3 of DA Scanlon's confession onto the Internet, with my "Internet Upload" button!!
[there is NO DATA on the SUSHI DRIVE]
Seth Rogen: Well, I guess we have to kill him now??
[they DO, in the most INSANE manner POSSIBLE that involves the EJECTOR SEATS]
Seth Rogen: Yayyyyy! Now I will give the EIC job to the dude who deserves it, which isn't me.
[they RE-SOLDER the HEAD onto the STATUE of his DAD because he has CLOSURE?]

The Town

[it is BOSTON, DUH]
Bank Employees: La, la, la, working at the bank is so fun and ---AAAAAAA!!
[some ZOMBIE MONKEYS - well, guys in zombie monkey MASKS - come in and ROB the place]
Zombie Monkey: Awl right, down awn the fluah! You theah! Open this safe!
Rebecca Hall: I'm trying, but your accents are so thick! Waaaahhh!
[they KICK Victor Garber in the FACE and PISTOL-WHIP him]
Victor Garber: I'm just glad I'm working!!
Zombie Monkey: We ahhh takin you hawstage, bank lady! Get in the van! And shut up!!
Zombie Monkey Ben Affleck: Don't worry, we won't hurt you. Though we are bank robbers??
Zombie Monkey Jeremy Renner: What the fuck? Of cawse we'll hurt her if we hafta. I might fly off the handle at any moment!!
Zombie Monkey Ben Affleck: Give me a second, Renner, I'm trying to establish my character as being sympathetic!!
[they DO NOT, in fact, HURT her, but let her go at the BEACH]
[meanwhile, at the FBI]
Jon Hamm: Someone! Anyone! Do something about my hair! It's very Draper-y at the moment. Also, get me some leads on these bank robbers. They're very good.
Cable Guy: Someone messed with the cables here. He must work for the cable company.
Jon Hamm: That's a good lead, and I am very handsome!
[meanwhile, in a TOWNIE BAR]
Serena van der Woodsen: [unintelligible Bostonian gibberish]
Ben Affleck: I'm nawt in yah life no mawwwwwhhhh!
[they FUCK anyway]
Jeremy Renner: We gawta take cayuh of this fuckin toonie bank employee. I can't control my rage!!
Ben Affleck: Don't worry. I gawt this. Lemme just get my Bruins jersey and put it awn, because wheah ahhhh we? BAWSTON.
[he STALKS her, and then BEFRIENDS her at the LAUNDROMAT, because that's a GREAT PLAN]
Rebecca Hall: I was a hostage in a bank robbery the other day. I thought I should tell you, since we're on a date, and I feel really comfortable with you? I guess? Also, here's more information than you need about what I know about the bank robbery, which I'm sure you're not involved in, because that would be bizarre.
[they go to a COMMUNITY GARDEN, since she is apparently some sort of SAINT]
Ben Affleck: I gawta go, I gawta jawb to do.
[they rob AN ARMORED CAR in fucking BROAD DAYLIGHT and there is a MILDLY EXCITING car chase]
Jon Hamm: Goddamnit! We know who they all are, why can't we catch them?! I am handsome enough to catch anyone!!
[meanwhile, in CHARLESTOWN, which is in BOSTON, we are in BOSTON, look, there is the Bunker Hill Monument AGAIN]
Jeremy Renner: You bangin' that fuckin toonie hawstage we took? What the fuck!?!
Ben Affleck: I'm leavin' this whole fuckin town in my REAHVIEW.* I ain't doin' this no mawhhhh!
[he punches something with EMOTION]
Jeremy Renner: Yeah, well, remembah how my parents took you in when your fathah went away? That's exposition, bitch!
Ben Affleck: We're, like, two-thirds of the way through the movie. That would have been helpful earlier.
[meanwhile, at his GIRLFRIEND/HOSTAGE'S house]
Jon Hamm: btw, your boyfriend is a bank robber. He took you hostage. SORRY.
Rebecca Hall: What the fuuuuuuuuck?!
Ben Affleck: Listen, let me talk to you!
Rebecca Hall: Well...I COULD call the police, since you're a lying sack of shit and a possibly violent criminal...but I liked that time when we had sex. So, go ahead and talk.
Ben Affleck: I'm not a bad guy! Seriously! Run away with me!
Rebecca Hall: You really are terrible at life, aren't you?
[meanwhile, at the FLORIST'S]
Pete Postlethwaite: I'm a terrifying Irish florist who controls all you do. Oh, also, your mom didn't leave your dad, she killed herself. BURN!! Now, go rob another bank or I'll kill your girlfriend.
Ben Affleck: Well, if weahhh gawna do a last jawb, it bettah be a good one. Weahh hittin fuckin FENWAY PAAAAHHHHHHKKK.
[they devise a PLAN that involves MANY OUTFITS and MILLIONS of DOLLARS]
Jon Hamm: So, you like heroin?
Serena van der Woodsen: [unintelligible Bostonion heroin addict mumbo-jumbo]
Jon Hamm: Thanks, tits. TO FENWAY!
[they SURROUND the park and there is a SHOOTOUT and EVERYONE DIES except Affleck]
Ben Affleck: My gentle nature has allowed me to live!
Rebecca Hall [on phone]: I want to see you! There are no cops here!!
[there are like A BILLION cops]
Ben Affleck: Really?
Rebecca Hall: No, not really, here is some code only you will understand, so you can escape, because I love you? Even though our entire relationship was a lie? I think I was hypnotized by your manly chest and many tattoos.
[he BURIES a bunch of CASH in the COMMUNITY GARDEN where ONLY SHE will find it and then she uses it for an ICE RINK]
Rebecca Hall: I wonder if the ice rink people will wonder where I got all this cash? Oh well!

Updated to add: this is amazing.

Iron Man 2

Thank you to my lovely friend Charlie for the chance to see this movie a) for free, b) before it was officially released and c) in a packed, huge theater full of people who were REALLY EXCITED about it. That is the best possible way to see a movie, in my opinion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the END of the FIRST MOVIE]
Robert Downey Jr.: And, blah blah, blah, I am Iron Man.
Mickey Rourke: Nyet. He has stolen all this technology from my father, who just died and basically told me to avenge him, kind of, on his deathbed. Come, my beloved cockatoo. Let us build a suit to rival Tony Stark's.
[there is a BUILDING THINGS montage]
Mickey Rourke: [Russian chuckle]
[meanwhile, six months LATER in QUEENS]
Tony Stark: Welcome to the Stark Expo!! Do you like my sexy Iron Man dancers? I banged all of 'em. Yeahhhhhh I'm Tony Staaaaaaaaaarrrrk! But on a more serious note, here's a video of my father, Roger Sterling, explaining how we're going to make the future better.
[he checks his BLOOD TOXICITY and it is GETTING WORSE]
Robert Downey Jr.: I will hide my pain and cover it with sexy, sexy banter. But first, I guess I have to go to a senate hearing?
Garry Shandling: Tony Stark, you say you have created peace, but really you have created a weapon! And we want it! Also my face looks like a fish, but that's beside the point.
Robert Downey Jr.: You can never have my weapon, because I am my weapon!! That is not a double entendre!
Don Cheadle: It's...kind of a dangerous weapon, though, dude. Not that I want to betray you or anything.
Sam Rockwell: Boo hoo, I want to make weapons too! But I suck at it, relative to Tony Stark. Also, my name is Justin Hammer. What a retarded name.
[meanwhile, at Stark's KICKIN' PAD]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Tony! Tony! TONY! I'm really worried about you, as usual, and about the company, as usual, and my outfit is classic and sleek and amazing, as usual, and somehow I make these weird bangs look good, as usual.
RDJ: Well, worry no more, babycakes, I'm making you CEO!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Um...ok! I hope this won't affect our sexy banter, though.
RDJ: Psh, no way.
[meanwhile, in a DANK RUSSIAN PLACE]
Mickey Rourke: Tony Stark will paaaaaaaaaaaayyy! Wodkaaaaaa!!
[meanwhile, in Tony's BOXING RING]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Tony, I've brought you an extremely foxy notary.
Scarlett Johansson: It's okay to stare. I know my body is bangin'.
Jon Favreau: Daaaaaaaaaaaamn! Here, let me teach you to box.
[she TAKES him DOWN and it is HILARIOUS because she is a SEXY LADY and he is a BIG MAN]
Tony Stark: Yes, please.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, you!
[everyone goes to MONACO for a RACE because that is what VERY RICH PEOPLE do]
Sam Rockwell: Oh hey man, check it out, I'm super cool now because I have a Vanity Fair article coming out on me soon and I'm totally gonna be cooler than you in my three-piece suits and hot nerd glasses, so suck on that, Stark!
RDJ: Well, I have a racecar. That I'm gonna drive. Recklessly. Because I am dying of secret poison blood.
[he SUITS UP because he DOES NOT FEAR DEATH]
Mickey Rourke: Porfect.
[he just fucking STROLLS on to the racetrack and everyone is like WHAT but then they are like OH SHIT because he has WHIPS made of fucking LIGHTNING or some shit]
Gwyneth Paltrow: He is clearly after my lover. I mean boss. I mean former boss. Shit, just get in the car.
[there are SWEET SWEET EXPLOSIONS and eventually Jon Favreau HITS Mickey Rourke with his CAR]
RDJ: Now I will suit up and we will battle! And it will be super awesome!!
[it IS, pretty much]
Gendarmes: Come wiz us, monsieur, you are under arrest pour...well, you know what you did, we all saw it.
Mickey Rourke: Your prisons will never hold me!
[they do NOT, but only because he has some HELP in the form of a FAKED DEATH]
Sam Rockwell: Well, hello! Welcome to my pristine airplane hangar! Would you like some salmon carpaccio after your prison stay? I will also give you a skajillion dollars to help me develop something to rival Tony Stark's Iron Man suit.
Mickey Rourke: Da, I will help you, but I want my bord.*
Sam Rockwell: Uh, cool, man, I'm on it, now let's make some fuckin' soldier suits!
[meanwhile, at Tony Stark's BIRTHDAY PARTY]
RDJ: I'm drunk and in the Iron Man suit woooooooooooo! This is a great use of a superweapon yeaaaaaaaahhhh!! Throw some more shit up in the air for me to shoot at!
Don Cheadle: Oh, hell no.
[he gets in ANOTHER SUIT and they have an EPIC FUCKING BATTLE]
Don Cheadle: Sorry, man...I gotta take this with me and betray you to the US government, and also your rival, Justin Hammer.
RDJ: Everyone hates me!! I'm just gonna go eat fuckin' donuts in that iconic big donut.
Sam Jackson: Get your motherfuckin' donuts off of that motherfuckin' donut!
RDJ: Bwaaaaaa?
Scarlett Johansson: Hey. We're from SHIELD. We've been monitoring you.
Sam Jackson: You got to shape. The fuck. Up, son! We need you! Here's a bunch of your dad's old shit, maybe you can use it to figure out how to not be dying anymore.
RDJ: Um, my dad kind of hated me? So this is going to be really emotional? Ugh, whatever.
[he watches some OUTTAKES from his dad's REEL-TO-REEL MOVIES]
Roger Sterling: Son, my greatest creation was, and always will be, you.*
Me: [mild weeping in a theater full of Marvel employees]
RDJ: Oh shit! It says on this map of Flushing Meadows "The Key to the Future is Here." This is one of those "there's always money in the banana stand" moments, isn't it?! This is a double meaning.
[he uses his RETARDEDLY AMAZING COMPUTER to figure out that his dad hid a fucking ATOMIC STRUCTURE in the map of QUEENS]
JARVIS: Congratulations, sir. You have discovered a new element.*
RDJ: Holler!!
[he builds a CONTRAPTION involving MANY PIPES and a BEAM OF LIGHT and CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SHIELD to synthesize his element]
RDJ: Yes! Now I'm not gonna die from secret blood poison! Let's see if this shit works...
[he PLUGS it into his BODY]
RDJ: Tastes...like...coconut...*
[meanwhile, at the HEADQUARTERS of HAMMER INDUSTRIES]
Sam Rockwell: Hey, Russian! Where's my technology?
Mickey Rourke: Is not finished, can make salute only.
Sam Rockwell: What? Okay, henchmen, take his bird. Yeah. Yeah, and take his pillows. And his shoes. Hey. I just took all your stuff. How's that feel, huh? Bad, right? THAT'S HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.*
Mickey Rourke: Will not make drones work, sorry.
Sam Rockwell: Well, it's all good, bro, because I got some Stark technology up in here, paid for with the betrayal of his best buddy. So you can just chill out. I got an expo to go to.
[obvs he KILLS the HENCHMEN and takes his BIRD back]
Mickey Rourke: Hello. I am not dead, Tony.
RDJ: What the - trace the call!
Call Trace Computer: The call is coming from one of the five boroughs of New York City.
RDJ: Oh hell no - he's in fucking Queens!! JUSTIN HAMMER!!!!
[meanwhile, on the MAINSTAGE at the EXPO]
Sam Rockwell: Hey guys, sorry I don't have the charisma of Tony Stark. But check it - I got drones! They don't work yet, but I also have an Iron Man suit! His best friend is operating it under orders from the US military! BOOYA!
Don Cheadle: Ugh, I feel terrible.
RDJ: Oh hey guys, um...so I'm pretty sure that Russian guy is not dead and also he is planning to fuck this expo UP. We need to get out of here.
[the DRONES activate and start FUCKING SHIT UP]
RDJ: Too late.
[there is a CRAZY DRONE BATTLE and it is fucking COOL as SHIT]
Don Cheadle: I can't control my own suit! Nooooo! I don't want to kill you, Tony!
Gwyneth Paltrow: This is a PR nightmare!!
Scarlett Johansson: Time to put this amazing booty to use.
[she goes to HAMMER INDUSTRIES and fucking DOMINATES all the henchmen while Jon Favreau fights ONE MEASLY DUDE]
Scarlett Johansson: I have used technology and also my enviable body to win this situation, and my lack of acting talent didn't even get in my way. Though my huge tits almost did. Drink it in, nerds.
RDJ: Okay, awesome, now that Foxy Operative has rebooted your suit, we can fight the drones together, friend who betrayed me, but it’s kind of okay because I totally get why you did it.
Don Cheadle: Sweet.
[there is, OBVIOUSLY, another SWEET SWEET BATTLE]
Mickey Rourke: I have come to say dosvydanya to you.
[RDJ and Don Cheadle EXPLODE him]
All the Drones: eepBeep! We are going to explode!!
RDJ: Shit! I must save my lady love! I mean secretary! I mean boss! I mean…shit!
[he FLIES in and SAVES Gwyneth and takes her to a ROOFTOP in QUEENS with EXPLOSIONS in the background]
Gwyneth Paltrow: I always hoped our first kiss would be on a rooftop in Queens with explosions in the background.
RDJ: Well, come here, then.
[they FINALLY kiss and you are like THANK GOD because she needed to be HITTING THAT]
Don Cheadle: I’m keepin’ the suit, buddy! PEACE.
Garry Shandling: Oh no! Irony! Now I have to give them medals!
RDJ: Suckaaaaaaaaaaa.
Sam Jackson: So…we kind of want the Iron Man suit in our little organization, but we don’t really want you. So I’m not real sure how that’s gonna work out. We can figure it out in the next movie.
Agent Coulson: But guys…the next movie is Thor. I just found his hammer in the desert.
Marvel: OH SNAP CHECK OUT OUR SWEET CONTINUITY BITCHESSSSS

Guest Post: The Hurt Locker

Okay, I don't want to set a precedent here of fan-submitted UCMs, because then I might have to be like "no, I ain't like this" and make you feel sad. And no one wants that. But GUYS. Raych, of the super-hilarious and informative Books I Done Read, has submitted this one and let me tell you: it is fan-effing-tastic. If you submit something, make sure it is this great.

I also want to take this moment to point out that the porn title in last week's ep of 30 Rock for this movie was The Pert Knockers. It was not spoken, it just showed up behind Jack on the Kabletown guide. That is all. Enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[It is IRAQ]

That Guy from Memento: War is kind of fun! Let’s make some dick jokes.

Anthony Mackie: Ok. Hey, the hastily-cobbled-together wagon we sent to go set off that bomb fell apart.

That Guy from Memento: I’ll put on the bomb-repellant suit and go set it off myself. I’m the Team Leader, so you sort of assume that I’m not going to get killed because you’ve forgotten that I’m not really in that one trailer you saw.

Me: [assumes he’s not going to get killed (see: above)]

[The bomb EXPLODES and he is KILLED, illustrating both that this job is DANGEROUS and that the SUIT will not SAVE you.]

[It is LATER at the ARMY BASE and there is LOUD MUSIC]

Anthony Mackie: Uh, hey.

Jeremy Renner: What is UP? I am your new Team Leader. I am going to remove this plywood that blocks this window, even though it’s supposed to protect us from air raids, because I am a RECKLESS MAVERICK.

Anthony Mackie: Ok.

[They go on several MISSIONS to defuse BOMBS and Jeremy Renner is SUPER GOOD at defusing BOMBS, but also prone to doing RECKLESS THINGS like taking off his HEADSET and tugging UNNECESSARILY HARD on WIRES that are attached to BOMBS and not wearing the BOMB-REPELLANT SUIT.]

Jeremy Renner: [sets off a smoke flare for no reason except so that his team can’t SEE HIM to make sure none of the INSURGENTS attack his ass, which is sort of their JOB]

Me: Now that’s just silly.

Brian Geraghty: Hello? I haven’t really done much til now, but I’d just like to mention that I’m also on this team? Also, I’m very very frightened of dying in battle, FYI.

[They run into some OTHER AMERICANS in the DESERT who have a FLAT TIRE and they BANTER for COMIC RELIEF and it is actually FUCKING HILARIOUS but then they are SHOT at by IRAQIS and have to HUNKER DOWN in a CREVASSE of SAND.]

Jeremy Renner: Now I will show my TRUE COLORS as Team Leader, by being really gentle and soothing with Brian Geraghty, who is sort of losing his shit, and by giving my juice pack to Anthony Mackie even though I’m obviously REALLY THIRSTY. See my human side!

[They KILL the Iraqis DEAD and Jeremy Renner is ACTUALLY SORT OF GOOD at LEADING.]

Me: [is still sort of fed up with him]

Jeremy Renner: Fine, how about I make friends with this Iraqi kid named Beckham? Look, I let him win at soccer.

Me: [relents, because kids winning at soccer are cute]

[They go to a suspected BOMB SITE where the BOMB is inside a DEAD KID who is OBVIOUSLY not BECKHAM but who JEREMY RENNER thinks IS]

Jeremy Renner: Aghhhhh! My human side! It burns!

[He sends everyone OUT and sheds some MANLY TEARS. He goes on a RAMPAGE to find the ones RESPONSIBLE but INSTEAD meets a VERY NICE Iraqi professor and is BEATEN UP by the professor’s WIFE and it is RANDOM]

[They go to ANOTHER bomb site and it is NIGHT and there is basically just a lot of SHRIEKING and FLAMES.]

Anthony Mackie: Well, this bomb has already gone off, so I’m not sure why we’re here.

Brian Geraghty: [concurs]

Jeremy Renner: I AM ADDICTED TO ADRENALINE! Plus I just got beat up by a professor’s wife. Let’s split up in the dark and try to find some bad guys.

Anthony Mackie: Um, no?

Jeremy Renner: [pulls rank]

Anthony Mackie: [obeys, because he is a GOOD SOLDIER]

[They SPLIT UP and Brian Geraghty is CAPTURED by BAD GUYS and they SAVE HIM but Jeremy Renner accidentally SHOOTS HIM in the LEG.]

[It is LATER and Brian Geraghty is being HELICOPTERED out of IRAQ.]

Brian Geraghty: I’m actually really pissed about this. You think this is where I say something chummy to demonstrate how close we’ve grown despite your recklessness, but I am seriously choked.

[Jeremy Renner sees Beckham and realizes that the DEAD KID was NOT Beckham and this proves…SOMETHING.]

[They go to YET ANOTHER BOMB SITE, but this time it is STRAPPED to a GUY]

Guy (via Translator): I wish I had not strapped on this bomb? Please help. I have children.

Jeremy Renner: No problem, I will just cut this bomb-cage off of you with bolt cutters, except shit, there is a timer and not a lot of minutes on it.

[He takes WAY TOO LONG to EXPLAIN to the guy that he CAN’T cut off the BOMB in time, which SEEMS sort of POINTLESS because the guy will be DEAD in a few seconds ANYWAYS, plus the TRANSLATOR is now WAY OVER THERE.]

Guy: [explodes]

Jeremy Renner: I have failed at something for the first time ever. I AM SO CONFLICTED.

Anthony Mackie: I’m not really sure why this needs saying, but I don’t enjoy almost dying every day.

Jeremy Renner: I…sort of enjoy almost dying every day? NOW I AM MORE CONFLICTED.

[Their TOUR of DUTY is OVER. Jeremy Renner goes HOME and raises his SON with his WIFE and grows a SKEEVY MOUSTACHE and it is BORING.]

Jeremy Renner: Oh son of mine, you love your mobile and your parents and your blanket, but I only love one thing and that’s defusing bombs.

[Jeremy Renner is in an ARMY PLANE wearing FATIGUES and looking RESOLUTE.]