Classic Musicals Week: The King and I

[it is SIAM, which we know as THAILAND]

Deborah Kerr: Oh my! This country is so barbaric! I shall "whistle a happy tune" to pretend I'm not afraid!

[she goes to the PALACE because she wants a HOUSE, as per her AGREEMENT with the KING]

King: I no promise you no house! And get your head lower than mine!

Deborah Kerr: Fine! Then I am leaving!

[a BUNCH of SIAMESE CHILDREN march up to her and it is TOO ADORABLE for her to RESIST]

Deborah Kerr: Well, I would like to spend some time "getting to know you," but first, I have to say "hello, young lovers." [she TURNS to some YOUNG LOVERS] Hello.

Rita Moreno: My lover and I are both from Burma. Seriously. I am not at all Puerto Rican. I was given as a present to the king, and I don't like it here.

King: Why does she not like it here??? "Is a puzzlement"!!

[the children LEARN things, but refuse to believe in SNOW]

Deborah Kerr: Your children are adorable, but frustrating! They take after their father.

King: Please write a letter to President Lincoln, and tell him I will send him several pairs of male elephants.

Deborah Kerr: Only male elephants, your majesty?

King: You fill in the details.* YOUR HEAD MUST BE LOWER THAN MINE GET ON THE FLOOR.

Lady Thiang, the First Wife: Sometimes he says "something wonderful." This...wasn't really one of those things. But he's a good man. For reals.

[meanwhile, in the GARDEN]

Lun Tha: "We kiss in a shadow," so that we're hidden.

Rita Moreno: Yes, I know. Please stop singing so we can make out.

King: I have learned that the English think we are barbarians. Help me put together a delicious banquet to prove otherwise.

Deborah Kerr: Okay. But we mustn't forget undergarments for the wives.

[they FORGET UNDERGARMENTS and it is SCANDALOUS]

Rita Moreno: Here is a Siamese depiction of Uncle Tom's Cabin, "Small House of Uncle Thomas." This is not intended in any way to be a reflection of my current state of affairs.

[they do a SHOW and it is AMAZING]

King: I SEE THIS ALLEGORY!!

Deborah Kerr: Hey...don't get mad. "Shall we dance?"

[they DANCE and it is ROMANTIC but they NEVER KISS]

Prime Minister: Your new present girl tried to escape, but we found her, and we killed her lover.

Rita Moreno: Ay dios mio!! I mean...something in...Siamese.

Deborah Kerr: You really ARE a barbarian!! I'm leaving!!!!

Lady Thiang: But he is dying.

Deborah Kerr: Oh. Then I'll stay.

The Crown Prince: No more bowing to the king!!

King: Yes. Yes. My son is now king.

[he DIES]