The Intern

So I think this movie’s heart was in the right place and there’s a very appealing sweetness to it. I just…I don’t know WHY this movie exists. What does it want from us? It’s like some dude in an undergrad discussion section that natters on and on about a subject that is potentially interesting, but then finishes talking without making a single point and the TA is silent for a few seconds and just like “…ok, thanks for that.” And the dude is attempting to think in a feminist way but he just can’t quiiiite get there. It’s nobody’s fault and everyone is trying their best. That’s actually a killer title for a Nancy Meyers movie. Someone call Diane! 

***

[it is a SANITIZED WORLD where EVERYONE is PLEASANT]

Robert De Niro [in V.O.]: I am an old man. But I’m spry! I retired a few years ago and then my wife died and I feel adrift, but not in a depressing way. I wonder what could give my life meaning again.
[there is a MONTAGE of him DOING TAI CHI and GOING to FUNERALS and CHILLING at Starbucks]
Robert De Niro: Why, it’s a job posting for a seniors internship program, which makes perfect sense, since high-performing tech start-ups in 2015 are always posting fliers on community bulletin boards. 
[he carefully SELECTS a TIE and is HIRED due to his CAN-DO spirit and EXPERIENCE as a phone book EXECUTIVE]
Andrew Rannells: Welcome to our fashion tech company in the world’s most artful Brooklyn loft. We’ve only been open for 18 months but somehow have the footprint and staff of a company that’s been operating for a decade! Don’t overthink it.
[De Niro MEETS his SCRUFFY intern COMPATRIOTS who are AWED by his SUITS and BRIEFCASE]
Andrew Rannells: I’ve assigned you to our founder and HBIC, Anne Hathaway. That’s her, on the quirky office bike!
[we SEE her being CAPABLE and RULING the OFFICE with KINDNESS and ATTENTION to DETAIL] 
Anne Hathaway: I’m so busy and stressed, and even though my outfits are on point and I appear to be endlessly patient, I don’t have time for this intern!
Robert De Niro: Reporting for duty, ma’am!
Anne Hathaway: I’m good, thanks. 

Robert De Niro: Okey dokey! 
[he READS the PAPER and DOLES out LOVE ADVICE to the NERDS and is GENERALLY AGREEABLE, as is his WONT]
Renee Russo: I’m the office masseuse and see that you’re a little tight in the hips, you silver fox.
[she RUBS him DOWN in a OVERLY FAMILIAR way and he POPS a BONE, which was a SURPRISE for us ALL]
The Scruffy Interns: Hooray!
[De Niro RESCUES Anne Hathaway from her DRUNKEN town car DRIVER and DRIVES her around, PROVIDING WISDOM like Kevin DID for Bethenny on RHONY]
Anne Hathaway: Thanks for dropping me off. Don’t you love my house? It looks like a picture book because this is a Nancy Meyers movie. 
[De Niro MEETS her ADORABLE CHILD and USELESS, neck-bearded HUSBAND]
Anne Hathaway: It's so hard being a working mom. I'm trying to #leanin but you all seem disappointed in me. 
Useless Neckbeard: I’m attempting to be supportive, but am really doing the “death by a thousand cuts” routine. Remember how I gave up my career so you could chase your dreams?
Anne Hathaway: I’m just so BUSY! They want me to hire a CEO for the company, but I think I can do it all myself!
[she and De Niro BOND over LATE-NIGHT work pizza and she CREATES a Facebook ACCOUNT for him and they GENERALLY bro out]
Anne Hathaway: I really appreciate your platonic friendship and the fact that you’re not Jack Nicholson, who would have insisted on a rewrite where I bang you. 
Robert De Niro: I’m just here to be your Manic Pixie Dream Grandpa! 
[they LOOK at EACH OTHER with MUTUAL FONDNESS and ADMIRATION]
Anne Hathaway: Oh no! I’ve accidentally sent an email to my mom calling her a fucking bitch, as one does.
Robert De Niro: The scruffers and I shall retrieve it!
[he and his INTERN BROS GO to her MOM’S house where HIJINKS ENSUE and DELETE the EMAIL]
Anne Hathaway: You’re my favorite employees ever! Let’s get drunk!
[De Niro TAKES her CHILD to SCHOOL and then SEES Ol’ Neckbeard TRYSTING in a CAR in FRONT of his OWN HOME like a GENIUS]
Robert De Niro: [SHAKES HEAD in DISAPPOINTMENT]
Anne Hathaway: I have something shocking to tell you, Robert De Niro - my husband is cheating on me. I think I have to hire a CEO to protect his oh-so-fragile masculinity.  

Robert De Niro: Don't sell yourself short, homie. 
[they go on a BUSINESS TRIP and WATCH Singin’ in the Rain in MATCHING hotel robes and CRY and she RELUCTANTLY hires a CEO]
Anne Hathaway: I've taken all the weep-baths and I still don't know if made the right choice. Bobby D will set me straight!
[Renee Russo ANSWERS his DOOR because there was a ROMANTIC SUBPLOT that was SO UNNECESSARY I didn’t even INCLUDE it]

Robert De Niro: Anne Hathaway, I think you can be your own CEO based on this one time I watched you show warehouse workers how to fold tissue paper. You care so much!

Anne Hathaway: But my MARRIAGE!
[her LOW-STATUS husband SHOWS UP at the OFFICE]
Useless Neckbeard: I cheated on you and it was so wrong but I support your dreams. Please keep bringing in that sweet fashion tech money.
Anne Hathaway: OK, I’m going to fire that CEO and be a badass #girlboss. But where is Robert De Niro, who I now realize is my best friend?
[his DESK is EMPTY and for a SECOND I thought that he had PULLED a FULL Mary Poppins and BLOWN AWAY with the WIND to HELP another rich WHITE woman REALIZE her POTENTIAL]
Anne Hathaway: Oh wait, he’s just here in the park, doing tai chi.
[they do TAI CHI together FOREVERMORE]

The Green Hornet

[it is 1990]
Tom Wilkinson: Well, well, well, son. Looks like we're going to need some clunky exposition. I'll handle that. You're in trouble at school again. I know you're having a tough time with your mother's death, but I need to run this newspaper! Also, your name is Britt. Sorry about that.
Li'l Rogen: I hate you!!!!! I am going to rebel SO HARD later!!!
[it is LATER]
James Franco: Hey. I'm in this movie, doing a favor for my best bud, the Rog-man. And somehow everything I do is hilarious. And I'm taking over all the crime in this town. My name is even better: James Clear, and I sell crystal meth, so they call me "Crystal Clear." PRETTY GOOD. Sorry, Nazi dude. You're just not scary enough.
Christoph Waltz: Not scary enough? NOT SCARY ENOUGH???
[he SHOOTS Franco's henchmen with a DOUBLE-BARRELLED PISTOL and then fucking BLOWS the whole CLUB up]
Christoph Waltz: That's right, I'm fucking scary.
[meanwhile, in a HOTEL]
Seth Rogen: Woooooooooooooooooooo!! I'm rich and I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!
[he MAKES OUT with a HOT GIRL in every one of his DAD'S CARS in FAST MOTION like it is a MUSIC VIDEO]
Michel Gondry: Oui, I directed this.
Tom Wilkinson: I'm trying to clean up this city with my news reporting and you aren't doing anything to help! I'm going to take a walk in the garden to clear my head.
Seth Rogen: FINE, DAD, I HATE YOUUUU. I'm just going to drink this delicious, delicious coffee with a leaf drawn on the top.
News Report: Newspaper magnate Your Dad just died of a bee sting.
Seth Rogen: Nooooooooo! But I hated him!! But he was my dad! Conflict!!
[his coffee comes with NO LEAF and is GROSS]
Seth Rogen: Where's my fucking coffeeeeeee!
Maid: You fired everyone who worked for your father, though I'm not exactly sure why you would do that. Anyway, Kato, your dad's mechanic, used to make your coffee.
Kato: Yup. Check it.
[he shows him the COFFEE MACHINE and makes him a BETTER CUP]
Kato: Also I gave this one car polycarbonate windows, so you can't smash them.
Seth Rogen: Oh man! You are so cool! Let's get drunk in the garage and be buds!!
[they DO, and listen to RECORDS on the RECORD PLAYER in the CAR, because that is a THING]
Seth Rogen: I like you because you also hated my dad! Let's go cut the head off his statue!
[they DO, but also STOP some THUGS from a ROBBERY with PUNCHING and stylized FIGHTING]
Michel Gondry: Oui, zis is my movie.
Kato: Is that why everything looks weird and cool?
Michel Gondry: Oui.
Seth Rogen: I know! We can fight crime all the time! It would be so badass!
Kato: Um, I don't know.
Seth Rogen: Come on, dude! Live up to your potential! What do you want the name of your autobiography to be? Balls Deep in Shitkicking Dudes, by Kato? I would read that, and I don't read shit, but when they made the movie of it, I would see the shit out of it.*
Kato: Okay. As long as we can listen to "Gangsta's Paradise" on vinyl while we drive.
Seth Rogen: Absolutely.
[they become HEROES? but actually just drive their CAR into METH LABS and give people a BUSINESS CARD with their EMAIL ADDRESS on it]
Christoph Waltz: Who is this guy?
Seth Rogen: Ooh, and I can use my newly-inherited media empire to spread the gospel about this new criminal. We'll call him...THE GREEN BEE.
Staff: Um...that sucks.
Kato: How about THE GREEN HORNET.
Staff: Better.
[the NEWSPAPER is all about the GREEN HORNET because Seth Rogen RUNS it]
Christoph Waltz: The green hornet is ruining my crime empire!!!
Cameron Diaz: Oh, hey, I'm your temporary secretary. And I have a minor in criminology, so I should be really helpful on this Green Hornet thing.
Seth Rogen: Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn, you too FINE to be temporary! HIRED!
[she uses her MINOR in CRIMINOLOGY to PREDICT what the HORNET will do]
Seth Rogen: We got an email!! We got an email from the bad guy in our Hotmail account!!
[they LITERALLY SHOW the WINDOWS LIVE sign-in page]
Seth Rogen: Oh, now we have to go meet the big bad guy in a vacant lot. This should go well.
Kato: I don't know if we ---
Seth Rogen: I AM IN CHARGE, KATO.
[he BURIES them in a HOLE in their CAR but then they BLAST the car OUT and it is KIND OF COOL but they kill a HENCHMAN]
Christoph Waltz: You killed Chili, my favorite henchman! YOU WILL PAY.
Kato: Can I show off my fighting skills some more?
Michel Gondry: Oui.
[he DOES and it is COOL]
Seth Rogen: You think you're SO AWESOME with your karate skills and your car-building skills and shit. I was the one who suggested ejector seats!! And you went on a date with my secretary!
Kato: Oh, it was more than a date.
[they FIGHT over a WOMAN who is too hot for EITHER of them]
Kato: FINE. I'm OUT.
[meanwhile, in a WAREHOUSE]
Christoph Waltz: I have decided that my new name, instead of Chudnofsky, is now BLOODnofsky, and I will wear only red and have a catchphrase!! I'm not sure why!! Also I wear a gas mask!
DA Scanlon: Oh hey, Britt - I was hoping you could meet me at Compachi Hibachi on La Cienaga at 8:30 tonight to discuss me buying you off to make me look better in your paper. I mean...for dinner.
Email from Bad Guy: Hello, Green Hornet. I would like to hire you to kill Britt Reid. AT THE COMPACHI HIBACHI ON LA CIENAGA.
Kato: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
[they ALL go to Compachi Hibachi on La Cienaga]
DA Scanlon: I would like to pay you to print only good stories. I tried to get your dad to do the same, but he wouldn't, so I killed him.
Seth Rogen: Oh really? Because I just recorded you saying that, motherfucker!! It's all on this flash drive that looks like sushi!!
DA Scanlon: Oh REALLY? Because the Green Hornet is going to kill you!!
Kato: NOPE. Oh, and I forgive you.
Seth Rogen: Thanks. Let's kick ass. I have a gas gun.
Christoph Waltz: I'm ungassable!!*
[they have a SHOOT-OUT and literally the most LUDICROUS CAR CHASE in the ENTIRE WORLD that involves the NEWSPAPER PRINTING AREA and a GLASS ELEVATOR and only the FRONT HALF of the car driving around in a BUILDING]
Michel Gondry: Oui. Zis car chase is fantastique.
Seth Rogen: Now to upload the mp3 of DA Scanlon's confession onto the Internet, with my "Internet Upload" button!!
[there is NO DATA on the SUSHI DRIVE]
Seth Rogen: Well, I guess we have to kill him now??
[they DO, in the most INSANE manner POSSIBLE that involves the EJECTOR SEATS]
Seth Rogen: Yayyyyy! Now I will give the EIC job to the dude who deserves it, which isn't me.
[they RE-SOLDER the HEAD onto the STATUE of his DAD because he has CLOSURE?]

The Town

[it is BOSTON, DUH]
Bank Employees: La, la, la, working at the bank is so fun and ---AAAAAAA!!
[some ZOMBIE MONKEYS - well, guys in zombie monkey MASKS - come in and ROB the place]
Zombie Monkey: Awl right, down awn the fluah! You theah! Open this safe!
Rebecca Hall: I'm trying, but your accents are so thick! Waaaahhh!
[they KICK Victor Garber in the FACE and PISTOL-WHIP him]
Victor Garber: I'm just glad I'm working!!
Zombie Monkey: We ahhh takin you hawstage, bank lady! Get in the van! And shut up!!
Zombie Monkey Ben Affleck: Don't worry, we won't hurt you. Though we are bank robbers??
Zombie Monkey Jeremy Renner: What the fuck? Of cawse we'll hurt her if we hafta. I might fly off the handle at any moment!!
Zombie Monkey Ben Affleck: Give me a second, Renner, I'm trying to establish my character as being sympathetic!!
[they DO NOT, in fact, HURT her, but let her go at the BEACH]
[meanwhile, at the FBI]
Jon Hamm: Someone! Anyone! Do something about my hair! It's very Draper-y at the moment. Also, get me some leads on these bank robbers. They're very good.
Cable Guy: Someone messed with the cables here. He must work for the cable company.
Jon Hamm: That's a good lead, and I am very handsome!
[meanwhile, in a TOWNIE BAR]
Serena van der Woodsen: [unintelligible Bostonian gibberish]
Ben Affleck: I'm nawt in yah life no mawwwwwhhhh!
[they FUCK anyway]
Jeremy Renner: We gawta take cayuh of this fuckin toonie bank employee. I can't control my rage!!
Ben Affleck: Don't worry. I gawt this. Lemme just get my Bruins jersey and put it awn, because wheah ahhhh we? BAWSTON.
[he STALKS her, and then BEFRIENDS her at the LAUNDROMAT, because that's a GREAT PLAN]
Rebecca Hall: I was a hostage in a bank robbery the other day. I thought I should tell you, since we're on a date, and I feel really comfortable with you? I guess? Also, here's more information than you need about what I know about the bank robbery, which I'm sure you're not involved in, because that would be bizarre.
[they go to a COMMUNITY GARDEN, since she is apparently some sort of SAINT]
Ben Affleck: I gawta go, I gawta jawb to do.
[they rob AN ARMORED CAR in fucking BROAD DAYLIGHT and there is a MILDLY EXCITING car chase]
Jon Hamm: Goddamnit! We know who they all are, why can't we catch them?! I am handsome enough to catch anyone!!
[meanwhile, in CHARLESTOWN, which is in BOSTON, we are in BOSTON, look, there is the Bunker Hill Monument AGAIN]
Jeremy Renner: You bangin' that fuckin toonie hawstage we took? What the fuck!?!
Ben Affleck: I'm leavin' this whole fuckin town in my REAHVIEW.* I ain't doin' this no mawhhhh!
[he punches something with EMOTION]
Jeremy Renner: Yeah, well, remembah how my parents took you in when your fathah went away? That's exposition, bitch!
Ben Affleck: We're, like, two-thirds of the way through the movie. That would have been helpful earlier.
[meanwhile, at his GIRLFRIEND/HOSTAGE'S house]
Jon Hamm: btw, your boyfriend is a bank robber. He took you hostage. SORRY.
Rebecca Hall: What the fuuuuuuuuck?!
Ben Affleck: Listen, let me talk to you!
Rebecca Hall: Well...I COULD call the police, since you're a lying sack of shit and a possibly violent criminal...but I liked that time when we had sex. So, go ahead and talk.
Ben Affleck: I'm not a bad guy! Seriously! Run away with me!
Rebecca Hall: You really are terrible at life, aren't you?
[meanwhile, at the FLORIST'S]
Pete Postlethwaite: I'm a terrifying Irish florist who controls all you do. Oh, also, your mom didn't leave your dad, she killed herself. BURN!! Now, go rob another bank or I'll kill your girlfriend.
Ben Affleck: Well, if weahhh gawna do a last jawb, it bettah be a good one. Weahh hittin fuckin FENWAY PAAAAHHHHHHKKK.
[they devise a PLAN that involves MANY OUTFITS and MILLIONS of DOLLARS]
Jon Hamm: So, you like heroin?
Serena van der Woodsen: [unintelligible Bostonion heroin addict mumbo-jumbo]
Jon Hamm: Thanks, tits. TO FENWAY!
[they SURROUND the park and there is a SHOOTOUT and EVERYONE DIES except Affleck]
Ben Affleck: My gentle nature has allowed me to live!
Rebecca Hall [on phone]: I want to see you! There are no cops here!!
[there are like A BILLION cops]
Ben Affleck: Really?
Rebecca Hall: No, not really, here is some code only you will understand, so you can escape, because I love you? Even though our entire relationship was a lie? I think I was hypnotized by your manly chest and many tattoos.
[he BURIES a bunch of CASH in the COMMUNITY GARDEN where ONLY SHE will find it and then she uses it for an ICE RINK]
Rebecca Hall: I wonder if the ice rink people will wonder where I got all this cash? Oh well!

Updated to add: this is amazing.

Iron Man 2

Thank you to my lovely friend Charlie for the chance to see this movie a) for free, b) before it was officially released and c) in a packed, huge theater full of people who were REALLY EXCITED about it. That is the best possible way to see a movie, in my opinion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the END of the FIRST MOVIE]
Robert Downey Jr.: And, blah blah, blah, I am Iron Man.
Mickey Rourke: Nyet. He has stolen all this technology from my father, who just died and basically told me to avenge him, kind of, on his deathbed. Come, my beloved cockatoo. Let us build a suit to rival Tony Stark's.
[there is a BUILDING THINGS montage]
Mickey Rourke: [Russian chuckle]
[meanwhile, six months LATER in QUEENS]
Tony Stark: Welcome to the Stark Expo!! Do you like my sexy Iron Man dancers? I banged all of 'em. Yeahhhhhh I'm Tony Staaaaaaaaaarrrrk! But on a more serious note, here's a video of my father, Roger Sterling, explaining how we're going to make the future better.
[he checks his BLOOD TOXICITY and it is GETTING WORSE]
Robert Downey Jr.: I will hide my pain and cover it with sexy, sexy banter. But first, I guess I have to go to a senate hearing?
Garry Shandling: Tony Stark, you say you have created peace, but really you have created a weapon! And we want it! Also my face looks like a fish, but that's beside the point.
Robert Downey Jr.: You can never have my weapon, because I am my weapon!! That is not a double entendre!
Don Cheadle: It's...kind of a dangerous weapon, though, dude. Not that I want to betray you or anything.
Sam Rockwell: Boo hoo, I want to make weapons too! But I suck at it, relative to Tony Stark. Also, my name is Justin Hammer. What a retarded name.
[meanwhile, at Stark's KICKIN' PAD]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Tony! Tony! TONY! I'm really worried about you, as usual, and about the company, as usual, and my outfit is classic and sleek and amazing, as usual, and somehow I make these weird bangs look good, as usual.
RDJ: Well, worry no more, babycakes, I'm making you CEO!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Um...ok! I hope this won't affect our sexy banter, though.
RDJ: Psh, no way.
[meanwhile, in a DANK RUSSIAN PLACE]
Mickey Rourke: Tony Stark will paaaaaaaaaaaayyy! Wodkaaaaaa!!
[meanwhile, in Tony's BOXING RING]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Tony, I've brought you an extremely foxy notary.
Scarlett Johansson: It's okay to stare. I know my body is bangin'.
Jon Favreau: Daaaaaaaaaaaamn! Here, let me teach you to box.
[she TAKES him DOWN and it is HILARIOUS because she is a SEXY LADY and he is a BIG MAN]
Tony Stark: Yes, please.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, you!
[everyone goes to MONACO for a RACE because that is what VERY RICH PEOPLE do]
Sam Rockwell: Oh hey man, check it out, I'm super cool now because I have a Vanity Fair article coming out on me soon and I'm totally gonna be cooler than you in my three-piece suits and hot nerd glasses, so suck on that, Stark!
RDJ: Well, I have a racecar. That I'm gonna drive. Recklessly. Because I am dying of secret poison blood.
[he SUITS UP because he DOES NOT FEAR DEATH]
Mickey Rourke: Porfect.
[he just fucking STROLLS on to the racetrack and everyone is like WHAT but then they are like OH SHIT because he has WHIPS made of fucking LIGHTNING or some shit]
Gwyneth Paltrow: He is clearly after my lover. I mean boss. I mean former boss. Shit, just get in the car.
[there are SWEET SWEET EXPLOSIONS and eventually Jon Favreau HITS Mickey Rourke with his CAR]
RDJ: Now I will suit up and we will battle! And it will be super awesome!!
[it IS, pretty much]
Gendarmes: Come wiz us, monsieur, you are under arrest pour...well, you know what you did, we all saw it.
Mickey Rourke: Your prisons will never hold me!
[they do NOT, but only because he has some HELP in the form of a FAKED DEATH]
Sam Rockwell: Well, hello! Welcome to my pristine airplane hangar! Would you like some salmon carpaccio after your prison stay? I will also give you a skajillion dollars to help me develop something to rival Tony Stark's Iron Man suit.
Mickey Rourke: Da, I will help you, but I want my bord.*
Sam Rockwell: Uh, cool, man, I'm on it, now let's make some fuckin' soldier suits!
[meanwhile, at Tony Stark's BIRTHDAY PARTY]
RDJ: I'm drunk and in the Iron Man suit woooooooooooo! This is a great use of a superweapon yeaaaaaaaahhhh!! Throw some more shit up in the air for me to shoot at!
Don Cheadle: Oh, hell no.
[he gets in ANOTHER SUIT and they have an EPIC FUCKING BATTLE]
Don Cheadle: Sorry, man...I gotta take this with me and betray you to the US government, and also your rival, Justin Hammer.
RDJ: Everyone hates me!! I'm just gonna go eat fuckin' donuts in that iconic big donut.
Sam Jackson: Get your motherfuckin' donuts off of that motherfuckin' donut!
RDJ: Bwaaaaaa?
Scarlett Johansson: Hey. We're from SHIELD. We've been monitoring you.
Sam Jackson: You got to shape. The fuck. Up, son! We need you! Here's a bunch of your dad's old shit, maybe you can use it to figure out how to not be dying anymore.
RDJ: Um, my dad kind of hated me? So this is going to be really emotional? Ugh, whatever.
[he watches some OUTTAKES from his dad's REEL-TO-REEL MOVIES]
Roger Sterling: Son, my greatest creation was, and always will be, you.*
Me: [mild weeping in a theater full of Marvel employees]
RDJ: Oh shit! It says on this map of Flushing Meadows "The Key to the Future is Here." This is one of those "there's always money in the banana stand" moments, isn't it?! This is a double meaning.
[he uses his RETARDEDLY AMAZING COMPUTER to figure out that his dad hid a fucking ATOMIC STRUCTURE in the map of QUEENS]
JARVIS: Congratulations, sir. You have discovered a new element.*
RDJ: Holler!!
[he builds a CONTRAPTION involving MANY PIPES and a BEAM OF LIGHT and CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SHIELD to synthesize his element]
RDJ: Yes! Now I'm not gonna die from secret blood poison! Let's see if this shit works...
[he PLUGS it into his BODY]
RDJ: Tastes...like...coconut...*
[meanwhile, at the HEADQUARTERS of HAMMER INDUSTRIES]
Sam Rockwell: Hey, Russian! Where's my technology?
Mickey Rourke: Is not finished, can make salute only.
Sam Rockwell: What? Okay, henchmen, take his bird. Yeah. Yeah, and take his pillows. And his shoes. Hey. I just took all your stuff. How's that feel, huh? Bad, right? THAT'S HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.*
Mickey Rourke: Will not make drones work, sorry.
Sam Rockwell: Well, it's all good, bro, because I got some Stark technology up in here, paid for with the betrayal of his best buddy. So you can just chill out. I got an expo to go to.
[obvs he KILLS the HENCHMEN and takes his BIRD back]
Mickey Rourke: Hello. I am not dead, Tony.
RDJ: What the - trace the call!
Call Trace Computer: The call is coming from one of the five boroughs of New York City.
RDJ: Oh hell no - he's in fucking Queens!! JUSTIN HAMMER!!!!
[meanwhile, on the MAINSTAGE at the EXPO]
Sam Rockwell: Hey guys, sorry I don't have the charisma of Tony Stark. But check it - I got drones! They don't work yet, but I also have an Iron Man suit! His best friend is operating it under orders from the US military! BOOYA!
Don Cheadle: Ugh, I feel terrible.
RDJ: Oh hey guys, um...so I'm pretty sure that Russian guy is not dead and also he is planning to fuck this expo UP. We need to get out of here.
[the DRONES activate and start FUCKING SHIT UP]
RDJ: Too late.
[there is a CRAZY DRONE BATTLE and it is fucking COOL as SHIT]
Don Cheadle: I can't control my own suit! Nooooo! I don't want to kill you, Tony!
Gwyneth Paltrow: This is a PR nightmare!!
Scarlett Johansson: Time to put this amazing booty to use.
[she goes to HAMMER INDUSTRIES and fucking DOMINATES all the henchmen while Jon Favreau fights ONE MEASLY DUDE]
Scarlett Johansson: I have used technology and also my enviable body to win this situation, and my lack of acting talent didn't even get in my way. Though my huge tits almost did. Drink it in, nerds.
RDJ: Okay, awesome, now that Foxy Operative has rebooted your suit, we can fight the drones together, friend who betrayed me, but it’s kind of okay because I totally get why you did it.
Don Cheadle: Sweet.
[there is, OBVIOUSLY, another SWEET SWEET BATTLE]
Mickey Rourke: I have come to say dosvydanya to you.
[RDJ and Don Cheadle EXPLODE him]
All the Drones: eepBeep! We are going to explode!!
RDJ: Shit! I must save my lady love! I mean secretary! I mean boss! I mean…shit!
[he FLIES in and SAVES Gwyneth and takes her to a ROOFTOP in QUEENS with EXPLOSIONS in the background]
Gwyneth Paltrow: I always hoped our first kiss would be on a rooftop in Queens with explosions in the background.
RDJ: Well, come here, then.
[they FINALLY kiss and you are like THANK GOD because she needed to be HITTING THAT]
Don Cheadle: I’m keepin’ the suit, buddy! PEACE.
Garry Shandling: Oh no! Irony! Now I have to give them medals!
RDJ: Suckaaaaaaaaaaa.
Sam Jackson: So…we kind of want the Iron Man suit in our little organization, but we don’t really want you. So I’m not real sure how that’s gonna work out. We can figure it out in the next movie.
Agent Coulson: But guys…the next movie is Thor. I just found his hammer in the desert.
Marvel: OH SNAP CHECK OUT OUR SWEET CONTINUITY BITCHESSSSS

Point Break

[it is LA]
Keanu: I am a super-awesome FBI agent! Just see how I can shoot many things and get a 100% on my shooting things test!
[some guy gives him a THUMBS UP]
Swayze: Check out my awesome surfing skills! I am as good at surfing as Keanu is at shooting things!
[meanwhile, at a BANK]
Dude in a Reagan Mask: We are the Ex-Presidents! Give us your cash!
[they MENACE people but do not KILL anyone and get a bunch of MONEY]
Keanu: Now I will report to my new assignment. I sure hope I get a good case to work on, and a cool partner.
John C. McGinley: Keanu! How can your name in this movie possibly be Johnny Utah? That is not a real name!
Keanu: I promise, it's real.
John C. McGinley: You think you're sooooo great, don't you? Young, dumb and full of cum?*
Keanu: Uh, gross.
John C. McGinley: Well, here's your partner.
Gary Busey: Fuck you! I hate you! But we are partners! Let's work together! Here is some background info about this Ex-Presidents bank robbers thing.
[they INVESTIGATE the bank robbers' CAR but have NO LEADS]
Gary Busey: So I have this theory that the bank robbers...are SURFERS! They only strike in the summertime, and I can totally see a tan line on this guy's butt.
Keanu: That makes total sense. Let's use that admittedly-weak theory to build an elaborate undercover operation that requires me to learn to surf.
[they pretend to SURF on their DESKS]
Keanu: Now to try real surfing.
[there is a SURF MONTAGE and he SUCKS at it]
Lori Petty: You seriously suck at surfing.
Keanu: Maybe you can teach me.
Lori Petty: No! I have too hard an exterior! You will never find out how to connect with me emotionally, never!
[Keanu uses his FBI ACCESS to learn that her PARENTS were KILLED in a PLANE CRASH]
Keanu: So, hello again. I just thought I'd let you know that my parents were killed in a car crash. That's why I want to learn to surf.
Lori Petty: My hard exterior! It's crumbling!! Okay, I will teach you.
[there is ANOTHER MONTAGE]
Swayze: So you're learning to surf from my girl here. Pretty radical.
Other Surfers: Who the fuck is this guy? We hate him! Our natural reaction to outsiders is hate!
Swayze: But he's a famous football quarterback from Ohio State!
Other Surfers: Okay, we love him then.
My Roommate Tina: Surfers do not play football. I'm just saying.
[there is some MORE SURFING]
Gary Busey: Dude, are you conducting an investigation or just hanging out?
Keanu: I'm conducting an investigation!! And hanging out. Simultaneously. It's radical. Also, I think the Ex-Presidents surf on this beach because we analyzed some hair follicles or something.
[he goes to THAT BEACH and encounters some ANGRY SURFERS]
Anthony Kiedis: We are gonna give you some scar tissue!!
[they have a FIGHT and Keanu STARTS to kick some ASS but there are FOUR of them]
Swayze: I got you, buddy!!
[they BOTH kick some ASS and it is GREAT]
Keanu: Thanks, man. I feel really close to you right now. What's the deal with those dudes?
Swayze: They only live to get radical. They don't understand the sea. They'll never get the spiritual side.*
Keanu: Oh. I bet they're bank robbers!
[they RAID the bad surfers' HOUSE but it turns out they are just DRUG DEALERS]
Tom Sizemore: YOU FBI FUCKERS FUCKED UP MY UNDERCOVER PROJECT! DO YOU THINK I LIKE MY HAIR LIKE THIS???*
Keanu: Oops?
[there is a SURF PARTY]
Swayze: Let me take this opportunity to tell you about the BIGGEST WAVE EVER that is about to happen in Australia. I will be on that big wave.
Keanu: I will remember that.
Lori Petty: Remember earlier when you crumbled my hard exterior? Wanna crumble it further?
Keanu: I wanna taste you.**
[they BONE]
Lori Petty: Wait, you're an FBI agent? What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!
Keanu: I'm working a case! It's not about you! I'm sorry I lied about my dead parents!
Lori Petty: I am so betrayed!!
Keanu: Oh well, back to the beach.
[one of his SURF BUDS moons someone...JUST like the BANK ROBBER]
Keanu: Of course! Only a bank robber would moon someone! I'll tail my friend Swayze and see if he cases any banks!
[he DOES]
Keanu: We need to be at this bank! They're gonna rob it!
Gary Busey: Could you just get me a meatball sub real quick?
[they MISS the robbery because of the MEATBALL SUB]
Keanu: Shit! I guess it's time for a foot chase between me and Reagan Mask Guy!
[there is a VERY LONG FOOT CHASE through many YARDS and HOUSES and Keanu goes through a SLIDING DOOR]
Keanu: You won't get away, Reagan Mask Guy Who May or May Not Be My Best Bud Swayze! I will jump down into this ravine...AAAAGAHHHAHA! My football injury!
[the Reagan Mask Guy, who he SUSPECTS is Swayze, gets STUCK and Keanu could SHOOT him]
Keanu: What if it's my friend? I CANNOT SHOOT HIM.
[he SHOOTS into the air in ANGUISH]
Gary Busey: You could have shot him.
Keanu: I missed.
Gary Busey: You got a 100% on that shooting test! You don't miss.
Keanu: Uh. It was my football injury?
Swayze: Hey man, wanna go skydiving? YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO GO SKYDIVING.
Keanu: I have no proof that he is a robber! And I don't want to blow my cover! What do I do?
[he GOES and it is PRETTY FUN and lasts for like a REALLY LONG TIME]
Keanu: Hey, that was fun!
Swayze: Oh, by the way - I totally kidnapped my/your girlfriend and she's gonna die if you don't assist us in the last bank robbery.
Keanu: WHAAAAAA? Okay. I love her, I guess.
[the last robbery goes HORRIBLY AWRY and people get SHOT and KILLED]
John C. McGinley: Ha ha! Now I get to arrest you for being a bank robber! My comeuppance has come!
Gary Busey: I'll take him in...NO I WON'T SUCKAAAAA
[he takes him to the AIRPORT where Swayze is ESCAPING in a PLANE and there is a SHOOTOUT and Gary Busey DIES and it is ACTUALLY SAD]
Swayze: Get on the plane or I will kill you!! Even though we are friends. Or something.
Keanu: Okay. I will figure out a plan once we're in the air.
[he JUMPS without a CHUTE and they have a MID-AIR fight and it is AWESOME and they BOTH LAND alive]
Swayze: Goodbye. I am going to leave you here in the desert. See you in hell, or perhaps on that big wave I told you about earlier.
Lori Petty: You saved me! I don't even care that you're a liar!
[they SOMEHOW get out of the DESERT, though they have NO CAR or anything]
Keanu: I will track Swayze to the ends of the earth - literally! Because I am now in Australia, where that big wave is going to happen.
Swayze: Good job, dude. You gonna arrest me? Or you gonna let me ride that big wave?
[they GAZE at each other in a MODERATELY GAY WAY]
Keanu: Get on that wave.
Australian Police: What! You let him get away. I guess we'll catch him when he comes back.
Keanu: He's not coming back.***
[he WALKS AWAY, in the RAIN]

**Not an actual line, but suggested by my roommate Stephanie. Could definitely be an actual line based on cheesiness of the rest of the dialogue.
***Actual line that, although I had never seen this movie before, I spoke along with Keanu with the correct delivery.

Funny People

I think this UCM makes this movie sound worse than it is. It's actually pretty funny, and I thought the casting was great. It's a little long, yes, and it has the whole Apatovian man-boy thing happening, but it's pretty solid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is LA in the 80s]
Adam Sandler: Look at me! I'm young! And kind of funny when I make prank phone calls to AmEx! This is actual footage of me when I'm young! But now I am old, and live in a sumptuous house with no love in my life.
[he MOPES ABOUT, though he is RICH]
Seth Rogen: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
RZA: As your black friend from work, I must say: you crazy. You ain't funny.
[he KIND OF ISN'T]
Jason Schwartzmann: Look, just because I'm more successful than you doesn't mean you should be sad. But I will fuck that girl you like in 10 days if you don't.
Seth Rogen: But! I! I mean, I know I lost a bunch of weight recently, but I'm still not as cute as you. I don't look like Jackson Browne.*
Jonah Hill: I am also your roommate, and funny.
[meanwhile, in a MEDICAL FACILITY]
Adam Sandler's Doctor: So, you have cancer. You should probably tell your friends.
Adam Sandler: I have none. My life is so empty.
[he goes to a SMALL CLUB and does some STAND-UP but it's SUPER DEPRESSING and ALIENATING]
Seth Rogen: So...that was depressing, right?
[Adam Sandler tries to RUN HIM OVER]
Adam Sandler: Dude, I'm sorry I tried to run you over. Why don't you and your friend, the fat version of you, write some jokes for me?
Seth Rogen: Well, I'll write jokes for you, but I'm not going to tell my friend that you even requested his services. I'm sure that won't come back to bite me in the ass.
Adam Sandler: Sounds like a plan. Let's go tell jokes at a MySpace company meeting.
[they DO, to the strains of JAMES TAYLOR, who is ACTUALLY PLAYING, because MySpace is TOTALLY RELEVANT]
Seth Rogen: Do you ever get tired of playing the same songs?*
James Taylor: Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?*
Seth Rogen: No. Here's another dick joke.
Adam Sandler: Be my friend! I have cancer!
Seth Rogen: Uh, okay?
Adam Sandler: Also, help me sort out my issues with the woman I cheated on long ago.
Seth Rogen: Uh...okay?
Leslie Mann: That's me. Now I love you again because you have cancer or something.
Adam Sandler: Cool. But I'm in remission.
Leslie Mann: Oh. I still love you again. I guess.
[they RECONNECT, kind of, but then he is a DICK again]
Eric Bana: Are you hitting on my wife, cancer guy?
Adam Sandler: She loves me, not you!!
[they FIGHT in the FRONT YARD]
Leslie Mann: I am going to divorce him. I'll tell him at the airport.
Seth Rogen: I must stop her, because of my loyalty to my boss/friend/mentor-type person.
[he SPEEDS to the AIRPORT, but they already MADE UP]
Adam Sandler: Stop messing in my business!
Jonah Hill: You betrayed me!
Jason Schwartzmann: I fucked that girl you like!
That Girl He Likes: But I still like you anyway, Skinny Seth Rogen. Let's kiss on a promontory.
Seth Rogen: Gah! This is too much! I'm going back to work at the grocery store with my black friend.
Adam Sandler: Sorry I was a dick before. Let's write jokes together.
[they form a MAN-LOVE that will LAST throughout ETERNITY]

The Hangover

[it is LOS ANGELES]
The Groom: Wooooo! I'm getting married! Time for me and my boys to get our bromance on!!
Bradley Cooper: Hell yeah! Hanging out with you other totally unlikeable dudes is the BEST! I hate children, but I am a teacher! My wife and kid are laaaaaaaaaaaaaame.
Ed Helms: I have a bitchy girlfriend and no spine! Which is why I'm going to marry that bitch anyways.
Rachael Harris: That's right, you fucking pussy! Women are harpies!
Zack Galifianakis: [says something STRANGE but HILARIOUS]
[they go to VEGAS because they are BROS and do a JAEGER SHOT on the ROOF]
Zach Galifianakis: My wolfpack, it grew by one.*
[they WAKE UP]
Ed Helms: What happened? I am missing a tooth, which is crazy because I am a dentist, a fact that you will hear often. There is a tiger in the bathroom. And our groom is missing!! I am freaking out, because I am uptight and high-strung and my bitchy girlfriend will totally murder me! For everything! Why can't bros just be bros?
Bradley Cooper: Chill out, man. We'll figure it out. I'm handsome, so I'll be in charge.
Zach Galifianakis: You are handsome. Also, I roofied you guys. My bad.
[they find a BABY in the CLOSET and name it CARLOS]
Ed Helms: I will continue to freak out!!
[they go to a WEDDING CHAPEL and figure out that Ed Helms MARRIED a WHORE]
Ed Helms: Gahhhh!!
Bradley Cooper: No bigs, dude, just chillax. Check out my great hair.
Zack Galifianakis: You do have great hair.
[they get JUMPED by some ASIANS]
Heather Graham: Oh, hi! I'm a hooker with a heart of gold, because all women are whores or harpies! It's almost like Shakespeare! Ha ha! Thanks for bringing my baby back!
Ed Helms: Being with a whore is better than being with a harpy.
Bradley Cooper: Sweet, broseph.
Zach Galifianakis: [says something HILARIOUS but UNRELATED]
[they get ARRESTED because they stole a COP CAR earlier]
Rob Riggle: You punks think you can steal our car?! Well, my broadly drawn stereotypical big black lady partner has something to say about that.
Broadly Drawn Stereotypical Big Black Lady Partner: You ain't gonna steal our car. Not up in here!!*
Rob Riggle: NOT UP IN HERE!* See how I did that? I said the same thing she did, and it was funny, because I'm white and she is black. Now, let us tase you for the kids and we'll let you go.
[they DO and it is FUNNY because TASING is HILARIOUS?]
Bradley Cooper: Now to get the car back and find our buddy. Maybe he's in the trunk.
Nude Asian: Yahhhhhhh! I am in your trunk! And nude!
[they ENCOUNTER Mike Tyson, whose TIGER it is]
Mike Tyson: Bring back my tiger, or I will punch you some more.
[they DO, using the LEFTOVER ROOFIES to subdue the TIGER...for a WHILE]
Ed Helms: Oh man! The tiger is eating the car! Could anything wackier happen?
[the car gets T-BONED by the ASIANS from before, who are friends with the NUDE ASIAN, because they are all ASIAN]
Head Asian: We have your friend. Bring me my $80,000 and you can have him back.
Zach Galifianakis: Now I will use my math skills to win big at blackjack.
[he DOES, and they make the TRADE, but it is the WRONG GUY]
Black Guy Who is Not The Groom: Oh man, why do they call them roofies? You're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof.
Ed Helms: I have solved the mystery of where the groom is! He's on the roof!
[they FIND him and go SWIFTLY back to LA for the WEDDING]
Groom: Sorry I had such a bro-tastic time. I really do love you, since you're a total hottie. Hey! It's the bromance triumvirate! The harpy, the hooker, and the hottie.
Rachael Harris: I AM NOT A HARPY!!!
Ed Helms: YES YOU ARE!!!
[they BREAK UP, thankfully]
Bradley Cooper: Somehow, this weekend has made me realize that my wife and son are awesome. I'm not sure how.
[they find the CAMERA of their WILD NIGHT, which includes BLOWJOB pics]

I Love You, Man

When I heard about this movie, my first thought was: threeeeeeeeeee- wayyyyyyyyy. But now that I've seen it, my new thought is: fourrrrrrr- wayyyyyyyy (Rashida Jones is totally cute in it, even if she is relegated to the part of the Apatovian* woman who is less of a character than her male counterparts).

* post-F&G; Lindsay Weir (and Kim Kelly, for that matter) weren't like this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is CALIFORNIA]
Paul Rudd: Marry me!
Rashida Jones: Okay! Let me call my friends on speakerphone about it!
Jaime Pressly: Yeah, girl, lock that tongue down!
Paul Rudd: Uh...that's...kind of private.
Rashida Jones: Ladies be knowing things, okay?
[they go to his FAMILY'S HOUSE for dinner]
Jane Curtin: He has no friends. Who's going to be his best man??
J.K. Simmons: I am everyone's hilarious dad now!
Andy Samberg: I'll help you find a friend, bro, instead of the obvious solution of HELLO I CAN BE YOUR BEST MAN. Also, I'm gay, but I talk like a frat boy.
Paul Rudd: And I'm straight, but love The Devil Wears Prada. What a topsy-turvy world we live in!
[Paul Rudd goes on some MAN-DATES that are all UNSUCCESSFUL due to HILARIOUS MIX-UPS]
Jaime Pressly: Invite my friend's fiance to your poker game or I will withhold sex from you, because women hate sex and married people are miserable and everyone can only be happy hanging out with their friends.
Jon Favreau: Ugh, I don't want to hang out with him.
Paul Rudd: I won! I won at a beer game! In your fa-
[he PROJECTILE VOMITS in Favreau's FACE and it is AWESOME]
Paul Rudd: All I want to do is find a best man and sell Lou Ferrigno's house. Sigh.
[he holds an OPEN HOUSE at Lou Ferrigno's, LITTLE KNOWING that this act would help him reach BOTH GOALS]
Jason Segel: Sweet sandwiches, dude. Props on the garlic aioli. Good luck selling the house.
Paul Rudd: Oh...my...god. He's so cool.
[they get some BREWSKIS and HANG like BROS]
Jason Segel: See you later, Pistol Pete.
Paul Rudd: Catch you on the flip side, Jobin.*
[he says some more NONSENSICAL THINGS because he is MAN-SMITTEN with Jason Segel, but you still want to have his BABIES]
Rashida Jones: So? Do you like him? Also, why are you spending so much time with him? Now that you have a friend, I am shrill and overbearing.
Paul Rudd: But! I! you said! Gah! Women are crazy!!
Jason Segel: Don't worry about it, dude, let's just play some Rush.
[they ROCK OUT and are SHIRTLESS and Paul Rudd says "Slappa da bass" a MILLION TIMES and it is AMAZING]
Paul Rudd: I feel like I can tell you anything. Hey! Maybe this is what it's like to have a friend!!
Jason Segel: Totes, duder.
[he gives a SPEECH that is a THINLY-VEILED PLEA for MORE BLOWJOBS on the part of Rashida Jones]
Rashida Jones: Um...what did you tell him??
Paul Rudd: I just - you did the same thing! Women are so crazy!! And demanding!!
Jason Segel: Hey, can I borrow $8,000?
Paul Rudd: No. Okay, yes.
Rashida Jones: You - WHAT?! This is ridiculous. I'm leaving to cool off.
[Jason Segel uses the MONEY to buy a bunch of BILLBOARD SPACE with HILARIOUS SLOGANS like "Who's the best realtor?/I am, biatch."]
Paul Rudd: Nooo! My career is ruined! My relationship is ruined! We are not friends anymore!
Jason Segel: Fine, broheim.
[Paul Rudd SELLS Lou Ferrigno's HOUSE because everyone LOVES the BILLBOARDS]
Rashida Jones: I forgive you. Let's get married.
[OBVIOUSLY, she calls Jason Segel and he SHOWS UP and is the BEST MAN]
Paul Rudd: I love you, man.*
[they get BROMANTIC and Rashida Jones DOESN'T MIND because she is an AWESOME WIFE who understands that BROS need their BROS]
Jason Segel: Let's play some more Rush, bro.

Oscar Watch '09: Frost/Nixon

[it is the 1970s]
Many News Reports: Nixon! Watergate! He's resigning! Here is some history in case you aren't familiar with history!
Sam Rockwell: Is this a documentary? Not really, but I'm being interviewed like it is.
Oliver Platt: The thing with David Frost...he knew television.
[it is AUSTRALIA]
The Women Behind Us: Oh! I always thought he was British.
David Frost: Do you hear my accent? It is clearly British, and not Australian.
Someone: Frost was a British television personality who had been shipped to Australia because his shows were not great.
The Women Behind Us: Oh, I guess he is British!
[David Frost STARES at the NEWS COVERAGE of Nixon and gets an IDEA]
David Frost: It's PERFECT. I have an idea, producer friend.
Non-Colin Firth Mr. Darcy: What is it? And is my hair grey? Or just really blonde?
David Frost: We'll interview Richard Nixon!! It'll make millions!
Truman Capote: Mr. President, we have an offer for you to do an interview with this British TV presenter. He's just a talk show host, so it'll be easy for you to win the interview.
Frank Langella: Awesome. Let's get some money out of them.
[David Frost and his producer FLY FIRST-CLASS to LA and Frost picks up a HOT GIRL on the flight]
David Frost: Why don't you come with me to meet Richard Nixon? I know I just met you, but you're flying first class, so you're probably not a crazy person.
Hot Girl: Okay. But first, please buy me a drink in the plane's full bar.**
David Frost: Will do! Now I have to go to every network and get shot down, because they don't pay for interviews. But I will triumph!!
[they go to Nixon's SWEET BEACH PAD]
Frank Langella: And this is where I hung out with Brezhnev. So, how's about that $200,000 you promised me?
[Frost writes a check from his OWN POCKET to pay the advance]
Frank Langella: Did he just pay me from his own pocket? And did you see his shoes?
Kevin Bacon: I think so, sir. And yes. They have no laces.
Frank Langella: I think a man's shoes ought to have laces.*
[meanwhile, at CAMP FROST]
Non-Firth Darcy: We're going to need some backup if we're going to do this interview right.
Oliver Platt: I'm a Nixon expert!
Sam Rockwell: Me too! Except I am more volatile.
Non-Firth Darcy: You're hired!!
[they do a lot of RESEARCH but Frost does more GALLIVANTING than RESEARCH]
Sam Rockwell: Should we be concerned about all this gallivanting? Oh well.
Kevin Bacon: As the former President's assistant or something, I am stoic, and concerned about how the President is perceived. Watergate can take up only 25% of the interviews. And by "Watergate," I mean "every negative thing he ever did."
David Frost: That's crazy! No way! IT'S ON.
Kevin Bacon: BRING IT.
[they have the FIRST TAPING and Nixon TOTALLY SLAUGHTERS Frost with his ORATORY SKILLS]
Sam Rockwell: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[the next taping goes BETTER, but not GOOD]
Oliver Platt: Seriously?
David Frost: Well, just come to my birthday party. Hugh Hefner will be there. [to himself] You idiot! Get yourself together!!
[Nixon DRUNK-DIALS Frost and goes on a TIRADE about being LOWER-MIDDLE CLASS and how no one RESPECTS them and it is INTENSE]
David Frost: I'm gonna get him. Sam Rockwell, go do some additional research!
[they find some NEW INFORMATION that will ROCK the WORLD]
David Frost: Well, it's the last day of taping! I hope it will be as eventful as our phone call!
Frank Langella: What phone call?*
[Frost WINS the interview with the NEW INFORMATION]
Frank Langella: You have bested me. Now all I have left is to pet this dachshund in a sad old man manner.
David Frost: I bought you some of those shoes you liked.
[Nixon GAZES at the OCEAN for a while]

**!

Jaws

I kind of can't believe I haven't done this yet. I've seen it a LOT of times, but the most notable time I remember is at one of my birthday parties in middle school, where one of the girls had a black labrador, and a black labrador gets eaten in the movie, and she like COULD NOT HANDLE IT. Eat a bunch of humans? Fine. Eat the dog? NO WAY.
~~~~~~~~
[it is AMITY ISLAND]
Sexy Teens: Casual sex is awesome! Certainly the universe will not punish us for the sin of fornication in some grotesque manner!

[the girl gets EATEN by a SHARK]

Roy Scheider: I'm too hardboiled for this pansy-ass island sheriff work. But I'm glad I was able to move my family away from New York City.

Deputy: Sir, we found a severed hand on the beach.

Roy Scheider: Yesssss. Wait, no. This is terrible. We need to close the beach!

Mayor: HAHAHA. We don't close beaches on Amity Island! We open them! Always! THERE ARE NO SHARKS HERE. We don't even have signs that say "Beach Closed." That is how laughable the idea of closing the beaches is.

Roy Scheider: Fine, then I'll make some signs.

[he literally CRAFTS some SIGNS]

Medical Examiner: It was a boating accident. Really.

Townspeople: REALLY.

Roy Scheider: But...there's a shark, guys. Like, a HUGE shark.

Mayor: You yell "shark," and we got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of Ju-ly.*

Roy Scheider: Okay. We'll keep the beach open. But I really don't like it.

[everyone goes to the BEACH and a DOG and a BOY get EATEN because HELLO there's a SHARK]

Mayor: Ohhhhhhkay, we're closing the beaches.

Crazy Fisherman: [scrapes his NAILS against the CHALKBOARD because he is GRIZZLED] I'll ketch yer shark. For $10,000!!

Mayor: HA. Right. Get lost.

[some RANDOMS catch a LITTLE SHARK because there is a $3,000 BOUNTY on its HEAD]

Townspeople: Hooray!

Richard Dreyfuss: I don't want to seem too intellectual, you guys, but, I mean, I am a respected oceanographer, and, well, I, well, I don't think this is the shark.

Roy Scheider: Shit.

The Boy's Mother: YOU FUCKER!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU CLOSE THE BEACH!!!!

[they OPEN the LITTLE SHARK and find NO HUMAN REMAINS, but they do find a LICENSE PLATE]

Richard Dreyfuss: Now do you believe me?!!

Mayor: Look, it's the fucking Fourth of July. The beaches will stay open.

[they DO, but the SHARK comes BACK and eats Roy Scheider's SON'S TEACHER]

Crazy Fisherman: Yar. Now ye need me. For our sheriff is afraid of the water, and our shark expert be a pansy.

[they get a BOAT and go out on the WATER, where they FINALLY see the SHARK and it is FUCKING HUGE]

Roy Scheider: You're gonna need a bigger boat.*

[they get WASTED and SING]

Crazy Fisherman: Okay, seriously, let's catch us a shark.

[they TRY some stuff and none of it WORKS because this SHARK is HUGE]

Richard Dreyfuss: I'll go in the water and poison it!

[he ALMOST gets EATEN]

Crazy Fisherman: I'll stab it with part of the boat!

[he DOES get EATEN]

Roy Scheider: I'll blow it up with this oxygen tank!

[he DOES and it RULES]

Richard Dreyfuss: Hey, I'm not dead!

Roy Scheider: Hooray!

[they SWIM to SHORE]

Pineapple Express

[it is CLARK COUNTY]
Seth Rogen: I am perfect for the job of process server, because I am schlumpy and easy to forget. Also I have many costumes in my trunk. Off to serve some subpoenas!!
[he just SITS in his CAR and SMOKES POT]
Seth Rogen: You've been served, dude.
[he goes to visit his GIRLFRIEND who is in HIGH SCHOOL which seems like it might be a SECURITY ISSUE]
Girlfriend: You HAVE to come to dinner with my parents! Whine whine whine! I'm cute! What am I doing with you?You're lame! Wait, no I love you.
Random Hot High School Dude: Let's go suck today's dick!*
Seth Rogen: Aaaaaaa, I feel insecure because I am chubby and these high school dudes are not. Better go buy some pot.
James Franco: Man! You're here! I got some real good shit for you, man. Let's just hang out, dude. Let's just HANG and be BROS.
Seth Rogen: Uh...okay.
[he hangs for like A SECOND]
Seth Rogen: Okaybyethanksfortheweedseeyoulaterman!!!
[he goes to SERVE a SUBPOENA but instead sees a BRUTAL MURDER]
Seth Rogen: SHIT!!! I gotta get out of here! And get rid of this roach!
[he goes to JAMES FRANCO'S HOUSE because he's FREAKIN OUT]
James Franco: No, it's cool, man, they can't figure out who you are.
Seth Rogen: Oh shit! I threw the roach on the ground, thus making it possible for them to trace it to you, and you to me. We gotta go!
[they go into the WOODS and SMASH their PHONES and it is HILARIOUS]
Bill Lumbergh: We must find this contract killer, whom I have identified from this roach.
Rosie Perez: I am Hispanic, and amusing.
Darryl from the Office: I am black, but sort of gay. You will laugh at this. Also, I am a thug.
Red, the Middleman: Please don't threaten me, black man! I will give up my dealer friend.
James Franco: Will you help me, middleman?
Red: Sure. Oh, wait, no, I will betray you instead.
Seth Rogen: Fine, then. I will belie my Jewish, mild-mannered exterior by KICKING YOUR ASS.
[they have THE MOST AWESOME FIGHT IN THE UNIVERSE]
James Franco: We're friends, right? RIGHT?!?
Seth Rogen: Uh...let's go to my girlfriend's house.
Ed Begley, Jr.: Fuck you guys! You can't date my daughter! Get out of my house! And my car!
[the girlfriend STABS James Franco with a FORK]
Nora Dunn: Seriously, go away. You are endangering us.
[they have a BUNCH more SHENANIGANS that involve STEALING a POLICE CAR, selling POT to CHILDREN, and SLUSHEES]
James Franco: You're a jerk!
Seth Rogen: Fine!
[James Franco gets CAPTURED by the DRUG DEALERS and taken to their HIDEOUT]
Seth Rogen: I'll save you, buddy! The guilt about not saying you were my friend is wracking me! WRACKING ME!
Red, the Middleman: I'll help you now. Oh, wait, I won't. [he holds up an ADORABLE GUN] This is the little gun I used when I was a prostitute.*
[they have the most BROMANTIC MOMENT IN EXISTENCE when they HUG while HANDCUFFED]
James Franco: You're my BFFF.*
Seth Rogen: Best fuckin' friend forever.*
[they DEFEAT the DRUG DEALERS through LUCK and BROMANCE]
Seth Rogen: Remember how awesome we were?
James Franco: My leg went through the windshield!!*
Red, the Middleman: Let's get a best friends necklace, but with three pieces, instead of two.*
[everyone is either REALLY HAPPY/STONED or DEAD]

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

[it is NEW JERSEY]
John Cho: I'm a milquetoast.
Kal Penn: I'm an unambitious stoner.
[they get STONED]
Both: Let's go to White Castle!
[they TRY to, but encounter many ZANY OBSTACLES]
Neil Patrick Harris: I love hookers and blow!
[he STEALS their CAR]
John Cho: Now how will we get burgers?
Neil Patrick Harris: I brought your car back. I'll buy your burgers.
Kal Penn: I have decided to go to med school as a result of our adventure.
John Cho: I have become more assertive as a result of our adventure.
[he KISSES their HOT NEIGHBOR]

Guest Post: Jerry Maguire

This was a turning point for Tom. He really starts to come into his own as a complete maniac in this film. Laura McClain breaks it down.
~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the LATE 1990’s]
Tom Cruise: Everyone loves sports. And romance. And ME.
Everyone in the World: We love Jerry Maguire!!
Tom Cruise: I am the slickest sports agent who ever was. I have a million friends and a hot fiancé. Bow before me!
[he LAUGHS in a HEARTY, yet TERRIFYING manner]
Child of Concussive Pro Hockey Player: Mr. Maguire, my dad has had four concussions. Can’t you make him stop playing?
Tom Cruise: It would take a truck to stop your dad!
[he CHECKS his PAGER in an INSENSITIVE way]
Child of Concussive Pro Hockey Player: Fuck you.*
Tom Cruise: Wha?? But…everyone…loves…me….
[he has some sort of NERVOUS breakdown and DEVELOPS a CONSCIENCE in ONE night]
Tom Cruise: I wrote a mission statement! We should be warm and fuzzy and have fewer clients and drastically reduced salaries!
Everyone Else: Uh….good thinking there, Jerry.
Renee Zellweger: Hello, Jerry Maguire. Witness me and my adorable child as symbols of goodness and trust in a corrupt world. I love your mission statement. And…YOU.
Tom Cruise: I am intrigued by her, as she likes to compliment me.
Jay Mohr: As your oily best friend, it pains me to have to fire you, Jerry Maguire.
Tom Cruise: NOOOOO! I must retain my clients!
[he CALLS many ATHLETES, and I think some of them are REAL athletes, which would EXPLAIN their LACK of ACTING skill]
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Jerry Maguire! To retain me as your client, you must scream “show me the money!” Better get used to this catchphrase, America.
[Tom Cruise SCREAMS “show me the money” many times, but still LOSES all his OTHER clients]
Tom Cruise: Everything will be fine. I’m taking this goldfish with me to start an awesome new agency! Who else is coming?
Renee Zellweger: I. Will. Go. With. You.
[they RIDE in an ELEVATOR and watch some DEAF guy sign “you complete me” bringing the CATCHPHRASE COUNT to 2]
Tom Cruise: Good thing Jerry O’Connell is staying on my roster too. Let’s work the room at this NFL draft event.
[he BASICALLY BLOWS Jerry O’Connell whilst IGNORING Cuba Gooding Jr.]
Cuba Gooding Jr.: You suck, Maguire!
Jerry O’Connell: I’m going back to your old agency. You suck, Maguire!
Kelly Preston: I’m not marrying you anymore. You suck, Maguire!
[she PUNCHES him in the FACE]
Tom Cruise: Ahhhh! My life is ruined! In turn, I must ruin someone else’s life.
[he GOES to Renee Zellweger’s house, DRUNK]
Bonnie Hunt: As your bitter, wisecracking older sister, it’s my duty to keep you away from the smarmy sports agent.
Renee Zellweger: But I’m so horny!
[Tom Cruise BONDS with the ADORABLE child, and then CURSES in front of him]
Adorable Child: Dogs and bees can smell fear. The human head weights eight pounds.* Enjoy catchphrase #3.
Renee Zellweger: Here. Have some beer. That's the best thing to give a man on a bender.
[Tom Cruise GRABS her BOOB and it is AWKWARD]
Tom Cruise: Want to go on a date?
Renee Zellweger: Okay. But we probably shouldn’t get involved.
[they GET it ON to the SWEET SOUNDS of Miles Davis]
Bonnie Hunt: You’re an idiot, sister.
Renee Zellweger: I LOVE HIM!!!!
[Tom Cruise OVERHEARS her and it is AWKWARD, cause they like, JUST MET]
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Hey, remember me? I still need you to show me the money!
Tom Cruise: It’s hard for me to take you seriously when you’re naked.
Regina King: Show my husband the damn money, Maguire!
Tom Cruise: Aaaah! I can’t!
Renee Zellweger: Clearly, your business is failing miserably. I’m taking another job. Unless you can think of a reason to keep me around…. Anything? ANYTHING??
Tom Cruise: I can’t let you go! You’re the only person who listens to me whine now! Marry me!
Renee Zellweger: Hurrah!
[they GET MARRIED and then WATCH the wedding VIDEO in which he LOOKS like he’s going to SHIT a BRICK]
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Dude. What’s up with your sham marriage?
Tom Cruise: What’s up with YOUR stank attitude about football?
[they HAVE some sort of LOVER’S quarrel]
Renee Zellweger: I think you only married me cause you like my ridiculously adorable child. That is actually…kind of creepy. Bye.
Tom Cruise: I have lost everything. Time to watch Cuba Gooding Jr.’s football game.
[Cuba Gooding Jr. makes a SWEET catch, and then FALLS to the GROUND unconscious]
Tom Cruise: My bromance!
[he RUNS to the FIELD, and then Cuba WAKES up]
Cuba Gooding Jr.: I want to enjoy this.*
[he JUMPS around and ACTS a FOOL and EVERYONE now LOVES him]
Tom Cruise: I remember when people loved me. I miss jerking around Renee Zellweger. Better run to go see her.
[he DOES so]
Tom Cruise: Excuse me, divorced women’s group. I’m looking for my wife. You complete me.*
Renee Zellweger: You had me at hello!* (CATCHPHRASE COUNT=4)
Cuba Gooding Jr.: I got a billion dollar contract!
Poor-Acting Actual Athletes: Jerry, be my agent!
Tom Cruise: Hooray! Back at the top!
[he and Renee Zellweger MAKE OUT]

Tom Cruise: I’m not gay!

Top Gun

[it is the PRESENT DAY, which actually means 1986]
Tom Cruise: Come on, Anthony Edwards. Let's go get some bogeys in a reckless manner.
[they TARGET some RUSSIANS who always wear MASKS because they are BAD GUYS]
Cougar: I can't! I'm freakin' out, man! I'M FREAKIN' OUT!!
Tim Robbins: Tom Cruise! Come back! You're the only one who can talk Cougar into flying back to the aircraft carrier with your amazing skills!
Tom Cruise: I know...I know.
[he LEADS Cougar BACK to the SHIP and then BUZZES the TOWER to show how much of a BADASS he is]
Principal from Back to the Future: Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.* That was very brave, but also very dangerous. Allow me to list the attitude problems you have to establish you even more as a badass. Also, though I hate to say it, since you clearly have no respect for authority, you guys are going to Top Gun.
[Tom Cruise DRIVES to TOP GUN on his HOG to the strains of DANGER ZONE to once again reinforce the BADASS thing]
Val "Vanilla Iceman" Kilmer: Hey. I'm your designated rival. You can tell because I am of equivalent badassery, and also because I am bleached blonde to your raven locks.
Tom Cruise: IT'S ON, hot stuff. I mean that in a totally hetero way.
[they FLY for a while and show how MANLY they are]
Tom Cruise: Let's go pick up chicks in our dress whites.
[he SINGS "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" with the ENTIRE BAR]
Kelly McGillis: Really? That's your pickup technique? Meh.
Tom Cruise: It worked on John Travolta. I mean...Jenny Travolta. Yeah, that's it. She was a girl. Not a dude.
[the NEXT DAY]
Kelly McGillis: Hi. I'm your teacher.
Tom Cruise: Oh, what hijinks! Well, I know stuff about MiGs because I am a badass. But they're classified.
Kelly McGillis: You have gained my attention with your arrogance and crooked smile, pilot.
[she WRITES him a NOTE to meet her for DINNER at 5:30 SHARP]
Tom Cruise: Hey. Sorry I'm late - I was participating in the Homoerotic Beach Volleyball Championships.
Kelly McGillis: No biggie. Let's eat and talk about your issues with your dad to the strains of the instrumental version of "Take My Breath Away," one of this film's two songs.
[they DO, and then he RIDES AWAY to the strains of DANGER ZONE, the other SONG in the movie]
Tom Cruise: Time for some more fancy flying.
[he LEAVES his WINGMAN while trying to SHOOT Tom Skerritt but is SHOT DOWN by Michael Ironside]
Tom Skerrit: Goddamnit! Never leave your wingman!
Michael Ironside: You should know better than to tangle with the best action movie actor ever, son.
Kelly McGillis: That's okay. I still want to bone you.
[they BONE, and we FINALLY get to hear "Take My Breath Away" with the VOCALS]
Anthony Edwards: I miss my wife and child.
Meg Ryan: Here we are! Aren't we an adorable family? Wouldn't it be sad if anything happened to one of us?
[during the NEXT FLIGHT, to the strains of DANGER ZONE again, Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards' PLANE goes into a FLAT SPIN and they have to EJECT and Anthony Edwards DIES]
Tom Cruise: Noooooooooooo!!! It's all my fault!
Everyone: Dude, it's not your fault.
Tom Cruise: I am but half a man. I am plagued with doubt. Please don't make me fly again!
[they MAKE him FLY even though he is still REALLY SAD and he SUCKS now]
Tom Skerritt: Listen. Your dad was a good guy who did good stuff in the wrong place. You should be proud of his memory.
[he decides to GRADUATE with his CLASS to show how BADASS he is, and PETER PETRELLI is randomly there]
Tom Skerritt: The best guys are going to go on a mission. That means you'll be working together. Don't let any feelings of a personal nature get in the way.
Val "Vanilla Iceman" Kilmer: I don't even like him like that.
Tom Skerritt: That's...not what I meant.
[they go to the SHIP and Tom Cruise GAZES at his dead friend's DOGTAGS as a SINGLE TEAR runs down his CHEEK]
Tom Cruise: I can do this. By the sword of Greyskull, I can do this.
Val "Vanilla Iceman" Kilmer: Aaaaaaaa!!! Too many MiGs!! Save me, Tom Cruise! Use your skills!
Tom Cruise: I'll save you!
[they work as a TEAM but also are BADASS and KILL all the RUSSIANS and then BUZZ the tower, which is HILARIOUS because he did it ANOTHER TIME in the movie]
Val "Vanilla Iceman" Kilmer: You can be my wingman anytime.* In a totally hetero way.
Tom Cruise: Thanks, but I think I'm going to become a teacher at Top Gun. I have learned a lesson about respecting authority.
[he sits ALONE in the Top Gun BAR and suddenly hears "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'"]
Kelly McGillis: Hey. I'm back. And so is Berlin's "Take My Breath Away." Did you miss us?
Tom Cruise: Did I ever! Boy, it really sucked to be hanging out with only sweaty, muscled dudes.
[they KISS]
Tom Cruise: I'm not gay!

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

[it is the 1980s]
Matthew Broderick: I'm sick, Mom.
His Mom: You can stay home.
Matthew Broderick: Suckaaaaaaas! Now I shall cavort merrily around Chicago with my BFF, who is so uptight that if you stuck a piece of charcoal up his ass, in a week you'd have a diamond, and my GF, who is totally hot. I'm gonna marry her.
[he COERCES his best friend into basically STEALING his own father's CAR]
BFF: Ferris, my father lives for this car. He buffs it with a diaper.
Matthew Broderick: We need it to get GF out of school.
[he POSES as his GF's dad and they FRENCH KISS in the school PARKING LOT]
Matthew Broderick: Hooray! Let's go do a bunch of stuff that we could not possibly do in a single day's time, such as visit the Art Institute and the Sears Tower and a fancy restaurant and a Cubs game and the Stock Exchange. Quick! We can only stay at the Cubs game for one inning if we want to do all this touristy stuff, though we live in Chicago.
BFF: Yeah, well, I haven't seen anything good today.
[Matthew Broderick joins SOME SORT OF PARADE and sings on a FLOAT, because they really have TIME for that sort of thing]
Matthew Broderick: How about that? Good enough for you, complainer?
[meanwhile, at HOME]
Mean Principal: Ferris has missed school NINE TIMES. He's totally cutting.
[he gets ATTACKED by a dog and KICKED IN THE FACE by Jennifer Grey as he gazes at the WATER TOWER which reads "Save Ferris"]
Jennifer Grey: Oh, and just in case you were thinking about doing anything else: I have herpes.
[back in the CITY]
Matthew Broderick: We gotta go! My parents are almost home!
BFF: SHIT! The car! Someone's been driving it around!
Matthew Broderick: We can fix it!
[BFF KICKS the car into a RAVINE]
Matthew Broderick: ...or that. That's cool too.
[he RACES through EVERYONE'S HOUSE and goes on a TRAMPOLINE in time to GET HOME before his PARENTS]
Matthew Broderick: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.*
[meanwhile, on a SCHOOL BUS]
Weird Girl: You want some gummi bears? They've been in my pocket so they're all soft.
Mean Principal: Thwarted again, Bueller!! Arrrr!!

Enduring Love

[it is RURAL ENGLAND]

Daniel Craig: What a glorious day! A glorious day to be alive, having a picnic!
Samantha Morton: Yes, indeed! All the glory of England surrounds us!

[a HOT-AIR BALLOON appears not far from them, in some sort of DISTRESS]

Daniel Craig: My god! What the devil could be happening?

[he runs FULL-SPEED to the balloon]

Boy in Balloon: Help!

Some Random Dudes, including Daniel Craig and Rhys Ifans: We'll help you!

[they TRY, but FAIL]

Random Dude Trying to Help the Boy: I can't let go!

[he falls HORRIBLY and is SMASHED]

Rhys Ifans: Let's pray.

Daniel Craig: I, uh, don't really, uh...

Rhys Ifans: PRAY!

[they DO]

Rhys Ifans: Now I love you.

[back in LONDON]

Samantha Morton: What's your deal?

Daniel Craig: That weird dude from the balloon is obsessed with me.

Rhys Ifans: [as he appears CREEPILY from behind a WALL] Yes, I am.

[he STABS Samantha Morton repeatedly]

Daniel Craig: Oh, cruel fates!

[he STABS Rhys Ifans repeatedly]

Samantha Morton: I'm good, actually.

Daniel Craig: Wanna have a picnic?

[they live SEMI-HAPPILY, but with an UNDERCURRENT of UNEASE, ever after]