Guest Post: Tron: Legacy

My younger brother saw Tron: Legacy and dictated this to me. Also, I am writing this post at 39,000 feet. FUTURE!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disney: Hey, guys? Remember Tron???? We made it again!!
FIN

Avatar

[it is THE FUTURE]
Sam Worthington: Hey guys. Remember me from that new Terminator? Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm back, and I've got a slightly better American accent. But only slightly. I'll be doing a fair amount of voiceover, since exposition is hard. Basically, we're in the future, and I'm in cryogenic storage, and I'm going to take over a mission that my late identical twin brother started. He was a scientist, and I'm a soldier.
My Roommate Tina: Wait...is this the movie?
James Cameron: You better BELIEVE this is the movie!! I just had to get all this explaining out of the way first.
Sam Worthington: Right. So one time I dreamt I could fly, which is super-weird, because I'm totally in a wheelchair. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YA?!?!
[he goes to a DISTANT PLANET to be a MERCENARY or something, though he is a CRIPPLE]
Stern Commander: You little maggots aren't going to last long in this hostile atmosphere! You need an air mask here! Here is some more information about it! In a stern tone!!
That One Hot Nerdy Guy from Dodgeball: Oh boy! Science!
Sigourney Weaver: Yes. Science. And more exposition. See, what we've done here is create an avatar, which is a creature that looks like the indigenous people that live on this planet, that has a neural linkup with ourselves. And they're super-expensive. And after that one scientist died, we found out he had an identical twin, so we're gonna just, like, throw him in the avatar. And then we go teach the natives English. Because English rules.
Dodgeball: I can't wait to do some science!
Sam Worthington: My brother was the scientist, not me. I'm a soldier.
Sigourney Weaver: Oh HELLLLL no! Where is that sniveling corporate scumbag who runs this place?
Giovanni Ribisi: Right here, doing a character voice and putting golf balls.
Sigourney Weaver: How DARE you bring in this soldier to my science mission? We are here for science. SCIENCE!!
Giovanni Ribisi: Well, I'm here for this highly-valuable rock: unobtainium.
Sigourney Weaver: Wait - is that really what it's called?
Giovanni Ribisi: Yes - unobtainium.
Sigourney Weaver: This is a joke, right, Jim? It's called "unobtainium"? Really?
James Cameron: DO NOT QUESTION MY WAYS. Besides, "MacGuffinium" sounded too obvious.
Sigourney Weaver: Fine, let's just get in the avatars.
[they get in a BOX that has a LINK to the AVATARS, which are like EIGHT FEET TALL and BLUE and BEAUTIFUL]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: OMG I can run you guys!! But I couldn't before!! Because I am paralyzed!!
[he RUNS AROUND and it is COOL]
Blue Cat Dodgeball: We have to do some science! Let's go!
Michelle Rodriguez: Yeah!! I'm gonna fly you to the science place!
[they go into the FOREST, which looks pretty much like an EARTH FOREST, except all the CREATURES are CRAZY COLORS]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: I think I'll just wander over here and look at some possibly-hostile plant life on this unknown planet.
[a HUGE FUCKING CREATURE that is AWESOME chases him through the forest and he gets TOTALLY LOST]
The Rest of the Team: Well, shit. We lost him.
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Too bad I'm in this blue cat form. Because I'm super-hot even in real life. I'm still hot as a blue cat, though. Wait a minute! Who is that? I will shoot him with my arrow!
[a BLOSSOM lands on her ARROW so she doesn't SHOOT him because ladies be loving FLOWERS, and then she SAVES him from some CREATURES because she is NOBLE]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Thanks for not shooting me, and also for saving me from the many creatures in this fucking incredible-looking forest. How much did that phosphorescent tree cost?
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Like $20 million. Now, stop bothering me. You are like a baby!*
[he FOLLOWS her to the village through the COOL-ASS COMPUTER FOREST]
Other Blue Cats: Get this Dreamwalker out of our village!!
[they speak in their BLUE CAT LANGUAGE, so there are subtitles in PAPYRUS, one of the WORST FONTS]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: Do I have the best name ever? Yes.** Am I your spiritual leader? Also yes. And do I think this Dreamwalker will be a welcome addition to our tribe? ...maybe. My daughter will teach him our ways. If they fall in love while this is going on...I would not be surprised.
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Mo-ooooooooommmm!!
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Looks like you're stuck with me, g'day? I mean - uh - I'm not Australian.
[his AVATAR goes to SLEEP, so he WAKES up in his REAL, BROKEN body]
Sigourney Weaver: Oh good! We have an insider! Now I like you, though you are a soldier and not a scientist.
Stern Commander: I also can use you for my own purposes. Find out information to get those fucking natives away from the unobtainium! I want to blow some shit up! I can get you the use of your legs back. Just saying.
Sam Worthington: I would really like the use of my legs back, so I will act as a double agent.
[he LEARNS the ways of the BLUE CATS, which include riding HORSE ANTEATER things that they CONNECT to via their PONYTAIL NERVE ENDINGS]
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Someday, you will be ready to ride one of those crazy dragon bird things. Also, and this is just side information, my grandfather's grandfather once rode the biggest, craziest of all the dragon bird things, in a time of great sorrow. It is very rare. I'm sure it won't happen again anytime soon.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: That's good to know. But let's ride some of those regular crazy dragon bird things around for a while and flirt whilst we do so.
[they DO, and it is GLORIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL and COOL]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: You are ready to be initiated into our tribe.
[there is a SURPRISINGLY TAME ceremony]
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Let's go to the tree of souls, which cost $50 million. That is where we can listen to our ancestors. Also, we can totally make out there.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Hot.
[they BONE and it is BLUE CAT HOT, but then they almost get RUN OVER by a BULLDOZER]
Giovanni Ribisi: Yeah, bitches! I'm destroying your lives! Woooooo! Corporations!!
All the Blue Cats: Noooooooooooooooo!
Sam Worthington: Look, I know you guys have unobtainium to...uh...obtain...but these are people we're talking about! You can't just run them over!
Giovanni Ribisi: I just did, bitch!!
Sam Worthington: Give me one last chance to convince them to move. I know I've had three months to do this, but I think this extra hour will REALLY seal the deal.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: So, I'm really sorry, but I sort of betrayed all you guys? At first this was just an assignment, but then I learned about you and your way of life, and everything changed and now I feel bad.
All the Blue Cats: Boooooooooo! We hate you now!
[the BAD GUYS blow up their TREEHOUSE and it is actually pretty SAD while also being FUCKING AWESOME]
Michelle Rodriguez: Although I am in the military, I don't like this. I'm turning my future helicopter around, which apparently has no consequences, though I'm disobeying a direct order?
[she ALSO breaks the SCIENCE PEOPLE out of JAIL because she is MORAL or something]
Sigourney Weaver: Oh, good, now we can go back to our forest base!
Stern Commander: Not if I can help it!!
[he BUSTS outside with a HUGE GUN and NO AIR MASK because he is fucking BALLS-OUT PISSED about the SCIENCE PEOPLE doing their SCIENCE]
Sam Worthington: Suck it, Stern Commander! You can't shoot us! We're in a helicopter!
Michelle Rodriguez: Plus, we're going to the Flux Vortex, and their instruments won't work there.
Sigourney Weaver: Really, Jim? Flux Vortex? It's like you're making fun of your own movie.
James Cameron: DID YOU SEE THOSE EXPLOSIONS? No one is gonna care that there is something called the Flux Vortex.
Sigourney Weaver: This is just getting silly. I'm out. Everyone, I've been shot.
Sam Worthington: Shiiiiiiiiit. No one can help us now but the tribe! And the tribe won't trust us unless I do something EPIC. I know! I'll ride that biggest, craziest dragon bird thing!
[he DOES, and it RULES SO HARD]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: You have re-earned our trust with your taming of the biggest, craziest dragon bird thing. Now we will listen to you.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Okay, but first can you put Sigourney Weaver's soul in her avatar body for real? I bet that tree can do it.
[they TRY by going to the phosphorescent TREE, but it FAILS because she is TOO INJURED]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Our only option now is to fight. I'm going to band together all the tribes!!
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Hottttttt.
[they launch a HUGE ATTACK on the CORPORATION and the MILITARY and it is SUPER FUCKING COOL]
Michelle Rodriguez: Ow! My everything! I got blown up! But I died nobly!
All the Blue Cats: Run away! They are going to defeat us and our simple way of life!
Eywa, the Deity of the Blue Cats: Nuh uh!!
[ALL the CREATURES in the whole FOREST come to their RESCUE, a la CINDERELLA and those MICE, but with WAY MORE AWESOMER CREATURES]
The Corporations and the Military: Now we are the ones being defeated! What? Oh, how the tables have turned!!
Stern Commander: Guys, we can't have this movie end without a final battle, hand-to-hand, between the good guy and the bad guy, can we?
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: No way!
[they FIGHT and it is PRETTY COOL because the Stern Commander is in like a ROBOT SUIT that is SWEET]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Ow! My real body! It's dying because the bad guy poked holes in the box I'm in!
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: I will save you, for I love you, even though you betrayed our people.
[she NAILS the bad guy with a HUGE ARROW and it's PRETTY AWESOME]
Sam Worthington: I see you.*
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: I see you.* Wait, is this weird? That you're human now? And I'm like literally three feet taller than you?
Sam Worthington: It's cool, baby, my human form is dying anyways! Remember earlier when we tried to transplant Sigourney Weaver's soul into her avatar? I bet we could try that again! But this time it will totally work!
[it DOES, and is LUMINESCENT]

**not actually true, as S. Epatha Merkerson technically holds this title. But we can let CCH have her fun.

Up

[it is THE PAST]
Old-Timey Newsreel: ...and so this explorer guy went to this place in South America with a bunch of dogs in a zeppelin. But then he was disgraced when everyone thought the bird he found was a fake. So he's still there, as far as we know.
Little Carl: Cooooooooool. I want to be an explorer too.
[he is SEMI-ADVENTUROUS, so he meets...]
Little Ellie: Hi! Let's be friends! We both like adventures! Let's play in this abandoned house! Wooooo! I want to have adventures! Look, this adventure book has a bunch of blank pages! For my adventures!!!
Little Carl: She's amazing.
[they GROW UP and get MARRIED and have a GOOD LIFE with some BUMPS but overall they LOVE each other and have a CUTE MAILBOX and it is TOUCHING and then she DIES and you are like HEARTBROKEN because Carl is HEARTBROKEN]
Carl: Grump. Now my house is in the middle of a city, across from a sushi place, and I hate everyone. And I won't sell! Ya hear me, ya whippersnappers?!?! I WON'T SELL!
Russell: Hi. I'm Russell. I want to help you so I can get my Helping the Elderly badge for my scout troop. Can I help you? I want to help you. Let me help you, please.
[he SMILES in an ADORABLE MANNER]
Carl: No. Did you not hear me? I AM GRUMPY BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DEAD. Duh. Go look for a snipe.
[he OVERREACTS to a dude TOUCHING his MAILBOX because it REPRESENTS his WIFE]
Carl: Well, I guess I'm banished to an old-people home. OR AM I?!?! Time for an adventure, Ellie!!
[he puts a MILLION BALLOONS on his house and it FLOATS AWAY]
Russell: I was under the porch. Can I come in? And then can we have adventures?
Carl: Ugh. I guess I'm stuck with you.
[they get caught in a STORM but still get to SOUTH AMERICA somehow]
Russell: Hey! Now I can help you! For my helping badge! That I need to get so my dad will come to the badge ceremony!
[they TOW the house using a GARDEN HOSE and Russell finds a RAINBOW BIRD]
Russell: Look! It's a bird that likes chocolate. I'm gonna name it Kevin.
Dug: I'm a talking dog, and I can talk because of this collar, and I just met you, and I love you.
Carl: Gah! Stop being so whimsical, all of you! Just help me get my house to where it needs to go!
Dug: Also, Kevin is a girl bird. She has babies. She needs to get back to them.
[some OTHER TALKING DOGS track them and take them to where the EXPLORER DUDE is hiding]
Carl: Oh my god! It's my childhood hero! I feel so light on my feet!
Explorer Dude: I'm looking for that rainbow bird. You don't know where it is, do you?
Carl: I don't know anything about the bird. At all. Nope. Nada.
Russell: It follows us! It likes chocolate! I'm very trusting, even to evil-looking characters!
Explorer Dude: Ha ha ha! Now I will capture the bird!!
Carl: No you won't!
Russell: Yay!
[they ESCAPE, but Kevin is INJURED and gets CAUGHT by a NET because Carl's HOUSE is on FIRE]
Russell: You let Kevin get captured! I don't like you anymore!!
Carl: Bah! I'm going to get my goddamn house to Paradise Falls!
[he DOES, and sits down to look at Ellie's ADVENTURE BOOK, which she has filled with PHOTOS of their MARRIAGE that you cannot see CLEARLY because you are RACKED with SOBS]
Ellie's Note: Thanks for the adventure that was our marriage. Now go have another one!
Carl: With her blessing, I will save everyone!
[he DITCHES all his FURNITURE, which is TOTALLY SYMBOLIC, and FLOATS the house up to the ZEPPELIN to save Russell, and Kevin, and Dug]
Explorer Dude: Go away! I will fight you, though we are both old!
[they FIGHT and Carl spits his DENTURES at the Explorer Dude]
Russell: I want to help!!
[he gets SHOT AT by DOGS in PLANES, but eventually the GOOD GUYS win]
Carl: It's okay that my house fell off the airship. Let's go home. We haven't eaten anything but chocolate in days!!
[they go to the BADGE CEREMONY, apparently DIRECTLY from the AIRSHIP, because they are STILL DIRTY, and even though Russell's DAD isn't there, Carl IS there, and then they get ICE CREAM]

Wall-E

[it is FUTURE EARTH]

Wall-E: [rocks out to HELLO DOLLY while picking up INTERESTING JUNK in an ADORABLE MANNER]

Fred Willard: Hi! I’m some convenient exposition! The earth is majorly fucked up! We’re getting out of here while the robots clean it up, but only for five years!

Huge Spaceship: FOOOOOOOMMM!! I AM LANDING!!!

Eve: [zooms around looking for PLANTS and BLOWING SHIT UP]

Wall-E: [GAZES at her LOVINGLY, though he is a ROBOT]

Eve: [sees Wall-E and is CONCERNED, then TRUSTS him]

Wall-E: [gives Eve a PLANT and shows her some HELLO DOLLY]

Eve: [SHUTS DOWN because she has met her DIRECTIVE]

Wall-E: [gets SCARED that Eve is DEAD or DEACTIVATED or whatever ROBOTS get]

Huge Spaceship: FOOOOOOOOMMMM!! I AM BACK TO GET EVE!!!

Wall-E: [STOWS AWAY on the SPACESHIP, cutely]

[meanwhile, on the EVEN HUGER SPACESHIP]

Every Human: I am fat and ride around on a floating thing all day. Look how fat we are. Fat, fat, fat.

Wall-E: [follows Eve to the CAPTAIN’S DECK, adorably]

Jeff Garlin: Hey! You have a plant! Sweet! We can go home if we put the plant in the holodeck!

Autopilot: There is no plant. This unit is defective.

[Wall-E and Eve go to the ROBOT HOSPITAL with all the DEFECTIVE robots and SHENANIGANS ensue]

Alert Screen: CAUTION! ROGUE ROBOTS!!!

[Wall-E and Eve get shot out of the SPACESHIP and fly around for like 10 MINUTES and then go BACK IN]

Pixar Animators: We. Are. The. Fucking. Shit.

Jeff Garlin: The autopilot is trying to sabotage us!

[he WALKS and everyone is like DAMN because they have like NO BONES]

Wall-E: [sacrifices HIMSELF for the good of ALL]

Eve: WALL-EEEEEEEEEEE!

[they go to EARTH in like 1 second]

Eve: [finds the PARTS to FIX Wall-E because she LOVES him, though, again, they are ROBOTS]

Wall-E: [does not REMEMBER anything at first because he has a new MOTHERBOARD but then he DOES and it is CUTE]

Aladdin

[it is an INDETERMINATE MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY]
Aladdin: I’m hungry, monkey sidekick! Let’s steal some bread…in SONG!
[they are CHASED by EVERYONE whilst SINGING but ESCAPE and GAZE at the SUMPTUOUS PALACE]
Princess Jasmine: I’m sooooo bored. Being a princess is lame.
[a BUNCH of suitors come, but they all SUCK]
Princess Jasmine: Peace out, bitches. I’m doing the royal undercover bit.
Aladdin: Hey! You seem to be not very street-smart. I shall help you, for you are very beautiful.
[they get into some SCRAPES and he is ARRESTED and THROWN in JAIL because they think he KIDNAPPED the princess]
Princess Jasmine: Hey! What happened to that fun guy I met out on the town?
Jafar: We killed him. Sorry.
[Jafar uses his MAGIC SWIRLY THING and realizes that Aladdin can LEAD him to the MAGIC LAMP]
Jafar: So…we’re going to go out into the desert. Alone. It’ll be fun!! Just go get me this lamp, and make sure not to touch anything.
[the FREAKING MONKEY touches something and the CAVE swallows them]
Aladdin: Ha HA! My street smarts have saved me again, for I have kept the lamp. Suckaaa!
Jafar: Nooooooooo!! I shall prevail!!
[Aladdin RUBS the lamp and a GENIE appears because HELLO it's MAGIC]
Robin Williams: Though I am a cartoon, I still play myself.
[he SINGS about being a GENIE, which kind of SUCKS since you live in a LAMP]
Aladdin: Okay, well, obviously, my first wish is to get out of this cave. And also I would like to marry Princess Jasmine.
Robin Williams: I can’t make her love you, but I can give you many material things that most girls like.
[they SING about how many CAMELS and DANCERS and shit he has]
Princess Jasmine: This does not impress me, for I am my own person. I don’t need no man!!
Aladdin: What else you got, genie?
[he takes her on a LITERAL MAGIC CARPET RIDE across, like, the WORLD]
Princess Jasmine: You are a very good singer. Have we met before?
Aladdin: Uh…no.
Jafar: Noooooo!! My evil plans!! Foiled!!!! BUT WAIT!
[he STEALS the lamp and becomes ALL-POWERFUL and does a bunch of EVIL STUFF]
Princess Jasmine: Why am I wearing this sexy red outfit?
Jafar: Because you are my SLAVE now! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
Aladdin: Hey, wouldn’t you like to be a genie?? He's waaaaaay more powerful than you.
Jafar: Ooh, good call!
[he WISHES to be a GENIE and is STUCK in a LAMP for a THOUSAND YEARS]
Aladdin: Suckaaaaa!
[he WISHES the genie FREE but the genie is still all BIG and BLUE]
Princess Jasmine: You are tooooootally that dude from the street.
Aladdin: Yeah. Sorry I lied. Let’s kiss.
[everyone SINGS]

Guest Post: Cinderella

I think Laura would agree with the poster at left...truly, Cinderella is for all the world to love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is a LONG time AGO, in a FAR-AWAY KINGDOM]
Warbling Singers of the 1950’s: Cin. Der. ELLA….you’re as lovely as your name…
[a JEWEL-ENCRUSTED book OPENS very SLOWLY]
Narrator: There once was a really nice guy with a really cute daughter. And then he got married and died and his evil wife made his cute daughter work as a servant. She was still cool though.
[it is LATER]
Cheerful Songbirds: Chirp chirp! Chirrrrrrp!
Adorable Mice: Oh boy, time for Cinderelly to wake up!!
[they CLIMB all over a SLEEPING Cinderella and CHIRP in her EAR]
Cinderella: Oh, you adorable little woodland creatures. You just spoiled my wonderful dream.
[instead of YELLING at them and KICKING them out of her TOWER, she SINGS a LOVELY song about DREAMING and WISHING and your HEART, and the WOODLAND creatures get all MOONY]
Cinderella: It sucks to be an indentured servant to my family, but luckily I have you precious birds and mice to dress and bathe me! And do my hair!
Jacques, the Cool Mouse: Cinderelly! There’s a new, naked mouse that Lucifer, the evil cat is going to eat!
Cinderella: Oh no! I shall save him. Your name will be Octavious. But for short, we’ll call you Gus.*
[she GIVES Gus a HUMAN OUTFIT, including a JAUNTY hat, cause she has EXTRAS]
Gus, the Fat Mouse: Yaaaaay!
[Cinderella FEEDS everyone, and there is an EXTENDED and STRESSFUL sequence where it LOOKS like Lucifer is going to EAT the mice, but they ESCAPE]
Evil Step-people: CINDERELLA!!!
Cinderella: I’m coming, I’m coming!
[she CARRIES their TRAYS on her HANDS and HEAD cause she is the COOLEST]
Evil Stepmother: Clean the drapes. And the carpets and the walls and the kitchen, and the walls, and the dirt outside, if you have to.
Cinderella: But I just finished - *
Evil Stepmother: DO THEM AGAIN!*
[MEANWHILE, in the CASTLE…]
King: My son needs to get married. I really want grandchildren, almost to a creepy extent.
Effeminate Duke: Hmmm. Well, we could have a big party and invite all the single ladies!
[he POLISHES his MONOCLE]
King: Perfect! And, as I am oddly violent, if you don’t find a wife for him, I WILL KILL YOU.
Effeminate Duke: [GULPS]
[back at the HOUSE of INDENTURED SERVITUDE, someone DELIVERS an INVITATION to the BALL]
Evil Stepmother: All eligible women are required to attend!
Anastasia, the Stepsister: And I’m so eligible!*
Cinderella: That means I can go too!
Stepsisters: NOOOOO!
Evil Stepmother: Um…sure you can go. If you finish all your chores. And if you can find something to wear.
[the STEPSISTERS laugh, cause that will NEVER HAPPEN]
Cinderella: I’m going to remodel my mom’s old ball gown! How poignant!
Step-people: CINDERELLA!!!
Jacques: Poor Cinderelly. She’ll NEVER get her dress done.
[the WOODLAND CREATURES sing a SONG that is at FIRST a sad DIRGE about Cinderella, but then turns into a JOYOUS production NUMBER]
Mice and Birds: Yay! We can help Cindrelly make her dress!
Jacques: Come on, Gus-Gus! We’ll help Cinderella accessorize!
[they GET chased by the CAT after STEALING accessories that the STEPSISTERS hatefully DISCARDED]
Cinderella: Sigh. I couldn’t make my dress. I guess I can’t go to the ball.
Mice and Birds: Oh YEAH???
[they REVEAL the BEAUTIFUL dress they MADE for her and I CRY]
Stepsisters: You stole our hideous accessories! You will pay!
[they RIP apart her DRESS and it is HORRIBLE]
Cinderella: What the use? What’s the USE??*
[some SPARKLES float through the AIR and REFORM as a CHUBBY old LADY]
Mysterious Stranger: Sup, Cinderella? It’s your lucky day! I’m your fairy godmother!
[she SINGS a MAGICAL song whilst turning ANIMALS and VEGETABLES into CARRIAGES and SERVANTS]
Fairy Godmother: Look! You have a beautiful dress and glass shoes! Practical AND comfortable! But this spell can only last until midnight for some reason. Don’t be late!
Cinderella: I won’t!
[she GOES to the BALL in SPLENDOR]
Everyone: HUH????
[Cinderella MEETS the PRINCE and he is WAY INTO HER, and they SING a ROMANTIC song]
The Clock: Ding dong!
Cinderella: Aaaa! I broke curfew!
[she RUNS away, leaving only a GLASS shoe]
King: Find her! Or I WILL KILL YOU.
Evil Stepmother: They are coming to try the shoe on everyone. Cinderella, why are you so moony and vacant today? Wait a second…
[she LOCKS Cinderella in a TOWER]
Birds and Mice: We will save you!
[they STEAL the KEY and CARRY it up MILLIONS of STAIRS]
Jacques: We are so close, but the evil cat will foil our plans! Kill it, faithful dog!
[he PRESUMABLY does]
Cinderella: I’m here to try on the shoe!
[the Evil Stepmother TRIPS the Duke and BREAKS the SHOE]
Effeminate Duke: NOOOOOO!
Cinderella: No biggie. I have the other one.
[the MUSIC gets SUPER DRAMATIC to INDICATE the Evil Stepmother’s COMEUPPANCE]
Birds and Mice: Yaaaaay!
[Cinderella and the Prince get MARRIED though they NEVER had a CONVERSATION]

Dumbo

[it is the CIRCUS]
The Stork: Dang! I can't figure out where I'm supposed to go! I better check this map of Florida, which looks exactly like the actual state.
[all the other BABY ANIMALS are DELIVERED to their respective MAMAS]
Train: Woooo woooooo!!
The Stork: Gahhhhh!! The train is leaving!! And I have this baby elephant sinking through this cloud!!
Dumbo's Mom: [looks CONCERNED]
The Stork: Wait!! Waaaaait!! I have your baby!!
[he goes through an ELABORATE PROCESS to let her have the BABY, including a SONG, an ALTERNATE SONG, and a CONTRACT]
Other Elephants: Ooooooh, he's so cuuuuute!!
Dumbo: [SNEEZES to reveal HUGE ears]
Other Elephants: Noooo!! You're different! Now we are going to laugh at you!
Stupid Jackass Big-Eared Kid: That elephant looks ridiculous! Look at his ears!
[Dumbo is ADORABLE and LIKES it when everyone LAUGHS, but his MOM knows they are being MEAN and tries to TRAMPLE them]
Ringmaster: Though you were protecting your baby, you're getting locked up!
[it is SO SAD]
Timothy the Mouse: Why so glum, chum? Your mom's in jail? That stinks. I'm going to make you a star to heal your sadness.
[he WHISPERS in the ringmaster's EAR to make Dumbo the STAR of the CIRCUS]
Ringmaster: It's perfect!!
[the ELEPHANTS all climb onto ONE SINGLE BALL and Dumbo CRASHES into it when he is supposed to JUMP and all the elephants do a bunch of PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE stunts]
Other Elephants: Did you hear, gossipy bitches? They made Dumbo a clown. The shaaaaaame!!!
[Dumbo has to be a BABY CLOWN and JUMP off a high tower into a POOL of CREAM while the clowns do a BUNCH of CLOWN SHIT, including STOKING the FIRE with GASOLINE]
Timothy the Mouse: I know it stinks being a clown...let's go visit your mom after I bathe you with this toothbrush. Wait, that's going to take forever. Let's just go.
[she puts her TRUNK out of the JAIL CELL and ROCKS him and it is TRAGICALLY SAD]
Clowns: We rule!! Let's drink champagne and ask for more money! Let's build a 300-foot tower for Dumbo to jump off of!
[they KNOCK the champagne into DUMBO'S WATER and Dumbo and Timothy DRINK it and get DRUNK]
Pink Elephants on Parade: We are the freakiest thing you have ever seen, ever.
[Dumbo and Timothy WAKE UP in a TREE]
Crows: What the hell are you doing in a tree? And why do we keep saying "brother"? Are we supposed to be black dudes? Is that racist? Oh, Disney, you old bigot, you!
Timothy the Mouse: I know! You must be able to fly, Dumbo!
Dumbo: [looks PUZZLED]
Crows: Here, take this magic feather.
[they PUSH him off a CLIFF and he FLIES]
Timothy the Mouse: Okay, get ready to wow them at the circus!
[Dumbo LOSES his MAGIC FEATHER but he is STILL able to FLY because the POWER was WITHIN him ALL ALONG]
Crowd: Whaaaaaa???
International Press: We love your huge ears!
Other Elephants: Uh...we like you too, I guess.
[Dumbo and his mom ride in a PRIVATE car on the CIRCUS TRAIN that is all FUTURISTIC]

Beauty and the Beast

[it is PROVINCIAL FRANCE]
Townspeople: Belle sure is pretty, but also weird. Let’s sing
about it.
[they DO, and conduct BUSINESS at the SAME TIME]
Belle: I love books! Girls, don’t you love reading?!? My friends the sheep also love books.
Sheep: Book pages are delicious!
[she SINGS and is BEAUTIFUL but also SMART because she READS]
Gaston: Hey, hot stuff. Wanna get married?
Belle: Ew. No. Get lost.
Gaston Groupies: She’s so stupid!
[her father INVENTS a THING and decides to take it to THE FAIR]
Father: I’ll be back soon! Don’t worry about me – I’m just going to take the shortcut through the wolf-infested forest.
Phillippe, the Horse: Peace out!
[he finds a CASTLE and goes IN to escape the SPOOKINESS]
Beast: RRRAARRRGH! Get out of my castle!! Wait, no! Get in my jail!!
Belle: I wonder where my father is…
[she is SPUNKY, so she goes to FIND him]
Objects in the Castle: A girl!! Sweet! Now we can be human again! She just has to fall in love with the beast!
[he ROARS and everyone is like CRAP, they are NOT falling in love ANYTIME soon]
Beast: If I let your father go, you have to stay here.
Belle: Fine. I love it here. Whatever. I’ll be in my room.
[meanwhile, back at the TAVERN]
Gaston: I’m awesome! Sing me a hearty tune about how swell I am!
His Sidekick: It will definitely involve your skill at spitting!
Gaston: Hey! I just had an idea! I’ll throw Belle’s dad in the loony bin, and then she’ll HAVE to marry me! That’s SURE to work, and to gain her love!
[back at the ENCHANTED CASTLE]
Belle: Now I’m hungry.
[the CANDLESTICK sings her a SONG about how she should EAT MORE while the PLATES and SPOONS do a DANCE]
Belle: I guess it’s not so bad here. Not all spooky woodland castles have dancing flatware. But what’s in this specifically-forbidden area of the castle? I better look.
Beast: Get ouuuuuuuut!!!!
[she tries to RUN AWAY but is ATTACKED by the WOLVES and then SAVED by the BEAST]
Beast: If you want to read, I have a library.
Objects in the Castle: They love each other!!! The library proves it!
[they SING and CAVORT in the SNOW and are generally ADORABLE]
Belle: I can see in this magic mirror that my father is sick. I gotta go.
[he LETS her go because he is NICE now]
Objects in the Castle: Shit!!
[she FINDS her father and goes HOME but Gaston’s IDIOT HENCHMAN is there]
Gaston: So…your father’s getting locked up, eh? If you marry me, I’ll make it all go away, because I’m a manly man.
Belle: You jackass! Let my father go! Haven’t I already proven that I am not interested in outside appearances??
Gaston: Hey…what’s up with this beast in this magic mirror? He looks scary, but defeatable.
Belle: Don’t you talk about him like that!
Gaston: Gross! You love him! I’m going to round up an unruly mob with my hearty singing.
[they MARCH to the CASTLE with PITCHFORKS and other MOB PARAPHERNALIA]
Beast: Whatevs. I’m depressed. Let them kill me.
Objects in the castle: ATTACK!
[the OBJECTS fight the PEOPLE in a HILARIOUS manner]
Gaston: I will take you down, beast!
[they FIGHT on the ROOF and Gaston FALLS to his DEATH, but not before MORTALLY WOUNDING the beast]
Belle: Noooooooooooo!!! Your kind soul has trumped your ugly exterior! I love you!
[MAGIC FINGER LASERS come out of the beast’s hands and he is RESTORED to his former HOTNESS, though he is actually sort of WEIRD-LOOKING]
Objects, Who Are Now People: Yay! We didn’t age when we were living as animate objects! [everyone SINGS]

The Little Mermaid

[it is THE SEA]
Triton, the Sea King: Here are all of my singing daughters. Aren’t they beautiful? And obedient? And aren't those antiquated traits to value in a daughter?
[they sing a SONG that ENDS ABRUPTLY when the YOUNGEST is NOT in her ASSIGNED SHELL]
Triton: ARIELLLLLLLLLL!!! Why are you so MODERNNNNN???
Ariel: La, la, la…I’m such a brave princess! I want to discover life outside the ocean! Come on, trusty sidekick…let’s get into some trouble.
Buddy Hackett: This is a dinglehopper.
Audience of Children: That's really a fork! You so crazy, Scuttle!
Ariel: Human life is soooooo awesome.
[she SINGS about FORKS and WALKING and LEGS]
Triton: I’m very disappointed in you for missing the concert.
Sebastian, his Crab Sidekick: Yes, and I am very Jamaican.
Ariel: Look! A ship! They have LEGS! That must be SO COOL!
[there is a SHIPWRECK and the HANDSOME PRINCE Eric almost DROWNS but she SAVES him and falls INSTANTLY in LOVE with him]
Ariel: You are so handsome that it makes me want to sit on this rock and sing a reprise!
[she DOES SO]
Sea Witch: I just got the BEST IDEA. We’ll trick the princess into giving me her voice to me and then she’ll be OURS!
Hench-Eels: Yesssssssssss. We’ll go get her.
Sebastian: Oh, this is not good. A mermaid and a human may fall in love, but where will they live? So many echoes of society.
[he SINGS about how being UNDERWATER is AWESOME, with the help of MANY MUSICAL SEA CREATURES]
Sebastian: Where’d she go?
Ariel: I need to go be in my grotto for a while and gaze at this statue of the handsome prince.
[her father DISCOVERS her GROTTO and DESTROYS it]
Ariel: You'll be sorry! Now I'm rebelling!!
[she goes to URSULA'S PLACE through a field of WRAITHS
Ariel: Hi. I heard you do spells. Can I get some legs? They look SO COOL!
Sea Witch: Suuuuuure.
[she SINGS about how she is NOT MEAN, though she actually is SUPER MEAN]
Sea Witch: Oh, and I’ll need your voice as payment.
Ariel: But that’s my main attraction! Well, that and my naturally bouncy red hair, my wide, lovely eyes, my impossibly tiny waist, my delicate feet, my perfectly clear skin…
Sea Witch: YEAH. WE GET IT. You’re cute. You’ll be fine as a mute. Just make sure you kiss him within three days, or ELSE.
[she does a SPELL that involves the word LARYNGITIS, causing Ariel to GROW LEGS]
Ariel: [SILENCE]
Prince Eric: Hey, a hot girl wrapped in a tarp! She looks weirdly familiar. Come on, strange
girl. Let’s go to the palace.
[they HANG OUT and he is AMUSED by her SILENT ANTICS with a FORK and a PIPE]
Sebastian: I can’t help you get him to kiss you right now, for I am being chased by a singing French chef. But you got to pukkah your lips...LIKE DIS.*
Prince Eric: I really like you, though I have never heard you speak. Let’s ride in a boat and be romantic.
Sebastian: He has to kiss her or the sea witch will win!!! I shall use my skills at organizing woodland and aquatic creatures to help the wooing process along.
[they SING and it is MARVELOUS, but the HENCH-EELS upset the boat BEFORE they can KISS]
Sea Witch: That was a close one! I’ve got to re-evaluate my plan.
[she somehow INGESTS Ariel’s VOICE and SHAPE-SHIFTS into a HOT BRUNETTE]
Prince Eric: Well, I really prefer redheads, but that voice…it’s…hypnotizing me…
[he is LITERALLY under her SPELL]
Buddy Hackett: Gahhhhhh!! We have to help Ariel stop the wedding, which for some reason is happening on a boat!
[they DRAG Ariel in a BARREL and she CRASHES the wedding, but it is TOO LATE]
Sea Witch: Muhahahaha!!! Now I have you!!
Triton: Wait!! Take me instead! Shrink me into a wraith or whatever the hell you do to people when they don’t pay.
Sea Witch: Suckaaaaaaa!!! Now I’m going to kill Prince Eric!!
Ariel: Oh HELLLLL no!!
[she PULLS on her HAIR so Ursula MISSES Eric and shoots her HENCH-EELS]
Sea Witch: Noooooo!!! My poopsies!*
[she is PISSED and gets RIDICULOUSLY HUGE]
Sea Witch: Now I will entrap you in a whirlpool for some reason, though I could just squash you or something. Stay down there while I shoot and miss many, many times!
[Prince Eric SPIKES her with a BOAT and she goes DOWN]
Prince Eric: Oh…the girl with the voice was you all along. Sweet.
Triton: Though I am baffled at why you like these “legs” so much, I see that you are happy on land. Here. Have some legs and a sparkly blue dress so you’re not naked.
[everyone SINGS]