Guest (But Let's Be Real She is the Only One Keeping This Thing Alive) Post: Sunset Boulevard

Ever since I largely abandoned this blog for my much-more-popular Star Trek fashion blog, Laura McClain has been reprimanding me for neglecting it. From time to time she tells me I should write one (I just saw the new Bond movie and HOO BOY is that one begging to get the UCM treatment), and I say "I totally will!!!" and then don't. Then she sends me one and shows me how it's done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is Hollywood in the 1950s, where “Every Movie’s a Circus” (I HAD TO, YOU GUYS)]

William Holden: I bet you’re wondering how I ended up dead in this pool, right? THIS is how you do a beyond-the-grave narration, Spacey!

[it is a LITTLE BIT earlier]

William Holden: I need to get a writing job. I’m supposed to be living the Hollywood dream!

Some Thugs: You’re behind on your car payments, so we’re here to vaguely menace you.

[he GOES to a FANCY PRODUCER’S office and PITCHES a STUPID-SOUNDING baseball movie but he’s still PRETTY HOT]

Fancy Producer: Eh…..

Betty Schaeffer: Fancy producer, I read this baseball script. It’s pretty retarded. Also I yell all of my lines, for no apparent reason.

William Holden: Thanks for nothing, sister.

[he MAKES a SERIES of DESPERATE phone calls to GET a JOB to NO AVAIL]

William Holden: Guess I’ll just drive my car around the streets of Hollywood.

[the THUGS see him and he LEADS them on a CHASE]

William Holden: I’ll just park my car here, in the garage of this giant monster house.

Erich von Stroheim: Ah, you are here. Madam has been waiting.

William Holden: Eh?

[he GOES into the HOUSE which is SUMPTUOUS]

Gloria Swanson: FINALLY YOU’RE HERE. WHERE IS THE TINY CASKET?

William Holden: Ehhhh? Wait a second, you’re….you’re Norma Desmond. You used to be in pictures. You used to be big.*

Gloria Swanson: I AM BIG IT’S THE PICTURES THAT GOT SMALL.*

[she sort of HISSES and DOES weird things with her HANDS]

Gloria Swanson: NOW TAKE MY BELOVED FRIEND AND BURY HIM.

[she REVEALS a DEAD MONKEY that is not REALISTIC, but you’re still like AAAAA]

William Holden: I’m not a monkey undertaker (lol). I’m a writer.

Gloria Swanson: A WRITER, EH? PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MY 700-PAGE SCRIPT FOR SALOME. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE THAT MOVIE, OBVIOUSLY.

William Holden: I guess I could try to bilk you out of some dough.

[he TYPES in her LIVING ROOM decorated with old PHOTOS of her which is a HOT BITCH move]

Erich von Stroheim: Your things are in the guest bedroom over the garage. I moved them from your apartment.

William Holden: This is creepy, but I’m going to see how it plays out for some reason.

[they WORK on her SCRIPT and WATCH her old MOVIES and she TOUCHES his INNER THIGH a LOT and YELLS]

Gloria Swanson: WATCH MY CHARLIE CHAPLIN ROUTINE. I HAVE STILL GOT IT.

Erich von Stroheim: I have moved you into the husband’s old bedroom. It is next to Madame’s.

William Holden: Gross. Yet I will continue to live here.

Gloria Swanson: I BOUGHT YOU SOME NEW SUITS. PUT ON YOUR TUX FOR MY NEW YEAR’S PARTY.

William Holden: When are the other guests getting here?

Gloria Swanson: WE JUST NEED US. AND MAX, WHO IS STARING AT US WEIRDLY.

William Holden: Just us? But why….oh. Ohhhhhh.

Audience: No duh, Holden.

William Holden: Yeah, I reaaaaaaaaaaaaally don’t want to get with that.

Gloria Swanson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[he LEAVES to go  PARTY with NORMAL people]

Betty Schaeffer: Hi! Sorry I was a bitch about your script. I am scrappy and cute and I still yell all my lines for some reason! I liked a story you wrote once and want to make it into a movie.

William Holden: Hmmmmmmm.

Erich von Stroheim: [on PHONE] You must come back. Madame has slit her wrists in a fit of attention-seeking.

William Holden: Shit.

Gloria Swanson: YOU DON’T LOVE MEEEEEEE. LET ME DIIIIIIIE.

William Holden: Oh, SHIT.

[he FUCKS her, MERCIFULLY off-screen]

Gloria Swanson: TRA LA EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL. AND MR. MAYER HAS CALLED! HE WANTS ME BACK. THEY ALL WANT ME BACK.

[they GO to the STUDIO and she looks FLY as FUCK]

Cecil de Mille: Uh, hi Norma. What are you doing here?

[all the TEAMSTERS and old WARDROBE ladies SURROUND her and FAWN and it’s NICE to see this BITCH get the RESPECT she DESERVES]

Cecil de Mille: We just wanted to rent her hilariously old car for a movie. But never tell her that. She was the greatest of them all!

[meanwhile, OUTSIDE]

William Holden: Hello, loud yelling girl. You can use my story to write a screenplay.

Betty Schaeffer: Write it with me!

William Holden: Hmmmmmmmm.

[he SNEAKS out a LOT to WRITE with her and it’s OK, but you JUST WANT to get back to the MANSE of DELUSION]

Gloria Swanson: I MUST BE PERFECT FOR MY COMEBACK! SLATHER ME WITH CREAMS.

[there is a SLATHERING montage]

Betty Schaeffer: I’m breaking up with my fiancé. I love you, predictably.

[they MAKE OUT]

Erich von Stroheim: Your sneaking out has distressed Madam. I will do anything to protect her. I discovered her and was her director. AND HER HUSBAND.

[there is a HILARIOUSLY DRAMATIC musical CUE]

Gloria Swanson: I KNOW THERE IS ANOTHER GIRL. LOOK AT MY HANDS, JOE! I’M FALLING APART!

[she CALLS Betty to TELL her William Holden’s TERRIBLE GIGOLO secret]

William Holden: Yes, Betty, come over. See the truth!

Betty Schaeffer: Let’s get out of here!

William Holden: No, I hate you now. I know I’m the protagonist, but I’m really just kind of a dick.

Gloria Swanson: NOW I HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF.

William Holden: I’m leaving you, Norma.

Gloria Swanson: YOU CAN’T! MAAAAAAAAAAAX!

William Holden: Tell her, Max! Tell her about the car and that you write all her fan mail and that she’s a miserable disgusting failure!

Erich von Stroheim: Madame is the greatest star of them all.*

[Holden PEACES OUT and Gloria Swanson HISSES a LOT and gets CRAZY EYES and then SHOOTS his ASS and you’re like, GOOD]

Reporters: Hubbub! Hubbub! What a scoop!

Gloria Swanson: [SITS CATATONICALLY]

Some Reporter: The news cameras are here.

Gloria Swanson: CAMERAS?

Erich von Stroheim: Uh, yeah. I will support your delusion because I am a good person.

Gloria Swanson: I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK ON SET AND TO BE WITH YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN THE DARK [HISSSSSSS]. I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP MR. DEMILLE.*

[she WRITHES a LOT at the CAMERA and it RULES]

Horror of the Zombies

This is another selection from the Drive-In Classics 50-pack I got. Every one is a gem!! This movie was originally in Spanish, titled El Buque Maldito (The Damned Ship), and on my DVD it was listed as Horror of the Zombies, but the alternate titles on imdb.com include:
- Das Geisterschiff der schwimmenden Leichen (The Ghost Ship of Swimming Corpses - kind of a misnomer, since they don't really "swim" so much as "emerge")
- Ghost Ships of the Blind Dead (there is only one ship, guys)
- Le monde des morts-vivants (The World of the Living Dead - sort of makes sense since they're apparently in another dimension)
- Ship of Zombies (simple, straightforward)
- The Ghost Galleon (see poster)
- Zombie Flesh Eater (true, but I feel like the title needs to address the ship)
- The Blind Dead 3 (apparently the director had a loose "series" of these movies, the first of which, La noche del terror ciego, was also titled Revenge from Planet Ape, which: what?! Must see)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is MADRID]
Noemi the Sexy Roommate: Hey! You! Fashion photographer! I know you know where my roommate - and most intimate friend - Kathy is! Tell me!!
Lillian the Fashion Photographer: Hold on, let me finish berating these models. [to the MODELS] You! In the unflattering pants! Stand up straighter! Now do something awkward! [to Noemi] Okay, that's done. Anyway, I don't know where Kathy is.
Noemi: You do too!!
Lillian: Okay, you're right. I do. Meet me at the pier tomorrow and it'll all be explained.
[they go to an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, where all LEGITIMATE BUSINESS occurs]
Howard Tucker, the Sporting Goods Magnate: Hi. As you probably know, I'm Howard Tucker, the sporting goods magnate.*
Noemi: Tell me where my roommate-slash-possible lesbian lover is! I didn't come all the way out to the pier in a mini halter dress and platform heels to get nothing!
Sergio, Howard's Henchman(?): Watch yourself, girl! I don't really serve any purpose here than to intimidate people, and that's what I'll do to you!
Howard Tucker: Okay, so basically what we've done is abandoned your sexy roommate and another sexy girl out in a little boat in the middle of the ocean, and we're waiting for someone to rescue them. There'll be lots of news coverage and instant publicity for me!
Noemi: Wait...what?
Lillian: Look, it doesn't make sense to me either. I just hire the sexy girls.
Kathy, on the radio: You guys! A galleon just appeared in the water by us! And there's a bunch of weird fog! We're going to go check it out! Please hurry, it's scary.*
Howard Tucker: And now it sounds like they're in trouble - galleons? This is bonkers. But we won't be able to find them and rescue them. And how will THAT look for me in terms of publicity!? BAD, that's how!
Noemi: I'm going to the police to report you for...something! I'm not really sure what you did, but it's wrong!!
Sergio: Oh, no you're not!
[he LOCKS her in a DUNGEON or something]
Noemi: Can't you bring me some water?
Sergio: Here's some milk...but ok.
[he walks down ONE MILLION HALLWAYS to get the WATER, while Noemi tries to ESCAPE in her PLATFORM SHOES]
Noemi: Damn this 70s fashion!!
Sergio: Ha ha! Your shoes have thwarted your escape through the many hallways of this warehouse! Now I will choke you...maybe? Or rape you, or something? I'm not sure what's going on.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: I'm just...so...tired...
[she SLEEPS for a while]
Kathy: Oh, maybe I'll look around the galleon. But first, a nap.
[she SLEEPS some more]
Kathy: Where's my sexy friend? She seems to have disappeared. Oh well, I'll just take another nap.
Howard Tucker: Well, the boat's disappeared. My helicopter can't find it. We better consult and expert.
Lillian: An expert in what?
Howard Tucker: Um...meteorology and 16th century galleons? That's a thing, right?
Dr. Midget: Yes! That's me, the tiny man with the voice of Will Arnett! It sounds like something spooky is going on. The best thing to do is to go out to the ocean and investigate, all by ourselves, though none of us are prepared for ocean trauma.
[the MOTLEY CREW goes out to the SPOT where the GALLEON supposedly was, but NOTHING is there]
Lillian: What the hell. I wore my good bell-sleeve shirt for this, and nothing.
[suddenly, the GALLEON APPEARS]
Dr. Midget: Oh, there it is - let's all get on it. I think it's in another dimension, btw.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: Hello? Anyone? Is anyone down in this scary hold? Is anyone inside these coffin-shaped boxes?
[the SLOWEST ZOMBIES EVER emerge from the boxes]
Kathy: No! No! Get away from me! Stop moving so slowly!
[they do GREGORIAN CHANTS as they CARRY HER AWAY or possibly RAPE her but it's VERY CONFUSING]
Howard Tucker: Well, now that we're on the terrifyingly mysterious 16th century galleon, let's all just take a nap.
Noemi: I just want to find Kathy! I'm going to go look for her myself! But first, I'll have a flashback about how we almost kissed one time...[she DOES] okay, now I can go.
[she ALSO finds the SCARY HOLD and the COFFINS and ALSO gets killed by the SKELETON ZOMBIES, but for like TWICE AS LONG as Kathy]
Noemi: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
[she CLUTCHES at the STAIRCASE and DRAGS herself up]
Noemi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
[the zombies GRAB her and DRAG her RIGHT BACK DOWN]
Noemi: Nooooooooooo!!!!!
[the ZOMBIES cut off her LIMBS and FEAST on her FLESH]
Howard Tucker: I wonder where Noemi went.
Sergio: Who cares? I just found a shit-ton of treasure!! I'm outta here!!
Howard Tucker: Sergio, don't leave me now. I'm frightened.*
Lillian: What the hell is up with this boat?
Dr. Midget: Look, I conveniently found a document that explains everything! They're zombies of sectarian knights, and they float around looking for people to eat.
Lillian: That seems really inefficient. This is a really poorly-managed ghost ship.
Dr. Midget: I know! But it seems to be working for them now...
[the ZOMBIES reappear and they are all like WTF]
Dr. Midget: Don't worry - I have some experience in exorcism.*
[he makes a FLAMING CROSS which SUBDUES the zombies for HALF an HOUR]
Dr. Midget: Okay, now let's get all the coffins off the ship.
[we WATCH as they throw EVERY SINGLE COFFIN overboard]
Lillian: That was a tiring, boring sequence! Now what?
Dr. Midget: Look! Now that the zombies are off the boat, we're back in our own dimension. And there's land here! We can swim it! Except me, I can't swim. You guys go.
Sergio: All I want is my treasure!!
[he DROWNS, because EVERYONE KNOWS you never take TREASURE off a GHOST SHIP]
Lillian: Well, we can still swim ashore. My bell-sleeved shirt will help me swim!!
Dr. Midget: Don't forget to come back for me!
[the GHOST SHIP gets PISSED and starts on FIRE and Dr. Midget is CONSUMED by FLAMES]
Howard Tucker: Well, looks like it's just you and me left. Let's collapse on the beach for a second.
[they DO, but all the zombies EMERGE from the SEA and SURROUND them a la a FOOTBALL-STYLE HUDDLE and it is KIND OF GREAT]

Heaven Can Wait (1943)

HBO claimed to be playing the 1978 version of this movie, the one with Warren Beatty, which I have seen far more times than anyone should. I think maybe we taped it off TV when I was a kid? Anyway, I hadn't seen it in maybe ten years, so I taped it. But when I sat down to watch it, the guide had LIED. It was, in fact, the 1943 version with Don Ameche, and, apparently, an entirely different plot (like, entirely).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the LOBBY of HELL]
Devil: Well, come in, come in! So you're interested in coming to Hell, eh?
Old Man Don Ameche: Well, the line for Heaven is really long.
Devil: But you haven't done anything bad enough!
Old Man Don Ameche: I think if I tell you the story of my life, you'll see it's one long misdemeanor...*
[he LAUNCHES into his TALE]
Don Ameche: You see, from the day I was born, women were fighting over me...
His Mom: My baby!
His Grandma: I want to hold him!
[they act CRAZY because he has a MYSTERIOUS CHARM]
Don Ameche: And it didn't get any better!
Little Girl: Gee, I sure like that beetle you got there.
Little Don Ameche: Well, you can have it.
Little Girl: That other beetle you have sure looks PRETTY lonely...
Little Don Ameche: Sigh. Do you want this one too?
Little Girl: Do I look like the kind of girl who would take a boy's last beetle?*
[he GIVES it to her because WOMEN are DEMANDING]
Don Ameche: But I had this lame-o cousin who was always salting my game.
Cousin Albert: I'm upstanding! And I wear glasses, so I'm smart.
Their Grandpa: I like you better than that Albert...he's so lame. Here, have some money from our family coffer.
[he SPENDS recklessly but NO ONE CARES because he is SO FUCKING CHARMING]
Don Ameche: Mom! Dad! I found the girl I'm going to marry! I just met her.
Cousin Albert: Family, this is my fiancee.
Gene Tierney: Hello.
Don Ameche: Of all the rotten luck! It's the woman I overheard lying to her mother on the phone and then followed to the bookstore, where I pretended to be a bookstore employee so I would have an excuse to talk to her, and she told me she wanted a book called How to Make Your Husband Happy and I was disappointed that she was engaged because she's so pretty, and now it turns out the husband is my cousin! Damn!
Gene Tierney: [has a SNEEZING FIT and is sent to the library]
Don Ameche: I love you. Let's get married.
Gene Tierney: But...you just met me. I mean - I don't really love your cousin; I only agreed to marry him to get out of Kansas and away from my amusingly provincial parents.
Don Ameche: Okay, let's go!
Gene Tierney: Okay. You are way hotter than your cousin anyway.
[they ELOPE and everyone is PISSED except GRANDPA]
Don Ameche: Then we had a kid, who was just a big a rascal as his old dad.
[the kid does some RASCALLY, yet still CHARMING things]
Don Ameche: But then...I had a dalliance.
Gene Tierney: You cheater! I'm moving back to Kansas with my parents!
Her Mother: Jasper, tell my husband not to read the comics aloud.
Her Father: Jasper, tell my wife I'll read the comics aloud if I want!
Jasper, Their Servant: These white folks is crazy!!
Don Ameche: Wife, I love you. Please come home.
Gene Tierney: My resolve has faded due to your charm. Also, my parents are annoying.
[they are HAPPY for a LONG TIME and then she DIES]
Son of Don Ameche: Dad, I met a girl!
Don Ameche: It's not...a showgirl, is it?
[he PAYS OFF the showgirl to DUMP his son so she won't SULLY his son's GOOD NAME, but then the son DUMPS her anyway]
Don Ameche: Well, don't I have egg on my face now?
[he gets OLD and has a NURSE that looks like his WIFE and then he DIES]
Don Ameche: So, now I'm dead. Wasn't my life scandalous and bad? Shouldn't I come to Hell?
Devil: No, sir. You'll find your wife waiting in the other place. Have fun, and give my regards to St. Peter!

Sight Unseen: The Unborn

You guys: WHAT is going on with this chick's ass in this poster? I mean really. Those shadows are confusing me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
Cloverfield Girl: I keep having nightmares! And scary things keep happening! Scary things that make me scream in a vaguely sexual way, which is the draw of many horror films.
Gary Oldman: Oh. You have two different color eyes. Are you a twin?
Cloverfield Girl: No.
Her Mom: Oh, yeah, you were. I meant to tell you - you had a brother who died in utero. My bad!
[some more SCARY SHIT happens]
Cloverfield Girl: Oh! So maybe my dead twin brother is haunting me. That makes sense.
Gary Oldman: He's getting stronger and stronger. You are going to have to battle him - IN THE AFTERLIFE. [she DIES and looks HOT]
Cloverfield Girl: I won!
Something Scary: ...or did you? SEQUEL!!

Poltergeist

[it is SUBURBIA]

JoBeth Williams: Yes! We are a happy American family! Living in this new subdivision is pretty sweet.

[they do some FAMILY things like EAT BREAKFAST and yell at the DOG]

Craig T. Nelson: I'm off to work, honey! Have fun at home!

Son: I'm off to school!

Teenage Daughter: Me too! I'm pretty much always at a friend's house, so you won't see me much.

Carol Anne: Hi.

Television: [static]

JoBeth Williams: What the...? I hope my daughter isn't crazy. She did just see me trying to flush her pet canary down the toilet, though. Perhaps she's just traumatized.

Carol Anne: They're heeeeee-ere.*

JoBeth Williams: Okay, maybe she's crazy.

[the KITCHEN CHAIRS get stacked on the TABLE and it is WEIRD]

Craig T. Nelson: I'm home!

JoBeth Williams: Honey! Come in here! I think we have ghosts! Isn't it awesome!?

[she shows him how the GHOSTS can move their DAUGHTER around in the KITCHEN]

Craig T. Nelson: Uh...no. Ghosts are not awesome. We'll figure this out in the morning.

[during the night, a TREE comes to LIFE and GRABS the SON from his BED and everyone is like SHIT but it's just a DISTRACTION so the ghosts can get the little GIRL]

JoBeth Williams: Where is she? WHERE IS SHE?

Carol Anne's Disembodied Voice: Mommy? Mommy?

Son: She's in the TV!

Craig T. Nelson: Okay, family, we'll figure this out. We have ghosts. We'll get through it. Together.

[the GHOSTS are TOO SCARY so they call some GHOSTBUSTERS who are NOT hilarious and DO NOT have PROTON PACKS]

Black Guy Ghostbuster: We've seen some pretty crazy things! One time, I recorded a matchbox car drive across a kitchen floor! It took seven hours. It was nuts!!

[JoBeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson EXCHANGE a WRY GLANCE]

Craig T. Nelson: Well, get ready.

[they open the DOOR to Carol Anne's ROOM and it is COMPLETELY BONKERS inside and shit is flying EVERYWHERE]

Head Lady Ghostbuster: Oh. We feel sheepish.

Craig T. Nelson's Boss: Hey, when are you going to come back to work? The real estate development office just isn't the same without you. Also, check out the new place we're going to build. It's next to a cemetery, but we'll just move it.

Head Lady Ghostbuster: Um...can we get back to the ghosts in your house?

Craig T. Nelson: Right.

[they run some TESTS and some STUFF falls through the CEILING from another DIMENSION]

Head Lady Ghostbuster: Okay, so basically, there's these ghosts, right? And they're in your house, but in another dimension? And they want to go into the light to be in Heaven or whatever, but your daughter's life force looks like the light to them, so they're confused. Oh, and there's an evil spirit too, who is tricking her. So that's what we're dealing with. We might need to call in some backup.

[they bring in a PSYCHIC MIDGET, or what some people might call a SMALL MEDIUM]

Small Medium: Oh. Well, this is simple. We just have to send someone through the portal to the other dimension. Duh.

[they DO that, but Craig T. Nelson PULLS on the ROPE too soon and sees the EVIL SPIRIT and it is SCARY]

Small Medium: Nooooooooo!! Oh wait, it worked anyway. This house. Is clean.*

JoBeth Williams: My child! Though we are covered in spirit goo, I have you again. Now everything is fine. But we should probably move.

[she takes a SUSPENSEFUL BATH]

Clown Doll: Ha ha ha! I am alive!

Son: No! Scary clown!

Evil Spirit: Ha ha ha! I am also alive!

Carol Anne: Mommyyyyy!!

JoBeth Williams: Maybe they're in the pool we haven't finished building!

[she finds MANY CORPSES and it is WAY GROSS]

Craig T. Nelson: What's going on? What are all these corpses doing?!

Craig T. Nelson's Boss: Oh, hi! I was just stopping by to --

Craig T. Nelson: You moved the headstones! But you didn't move the bodies! YOU DIDN'T MOVE THE BODIES! YOU JUST MOVED THE HEADSTONES! AND NOT THE BODIES!!!*

[a SKELETON goes by]

JoBeth Williams: Get in the car! Everyone! Get the dog!

[the TEENAGE DAUGHTER rolls up and stands in the ROAD, screaming, for like WAY too long, considering that her HOUSE is basically a GHOST PLAYGROUND]

Craig T. Nelson: Let's get out of here! We're going to the Holiday Inn - and we're NOT keeping the TV in our room!!

[the house IMPLODES]

Sight Unseen: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

[it is CHINA]
Chinese People: Oh no! A mummy! Call a mummy raider!
Brendan Fraser: Dude, you guys, I'm retired.
Fraser, Jr: But I'm not!
[many DADDY ISSUES arise in a spirit of father-son COMPETITION]
Maria Bello: Sorry, Rachel Weisz wasn't available. I'm almost as luminously beautiful as her, though. Right? RIGHT?!
Jet Li: Hi, I'm the Dragon Emperor, who may or may not have been a real guy. I'm not sure why I'm so corporal, but it does allow me to fight you, awesomely.
[they FIGHT and it is AWESOME]
Brendan Fraser: I got this one. Oh wait, now I am in a perilous situation.
Fraser Jr: I'll save you, Dad...and earn your respect.
Brendan Fraser: I'm sorry I doubted you, son.
[they HUG]

Rosemary's Baby

[it is NEW YORK in the 1960s and a CREEPY LULLABY is playing]
Mia Farrow: Honey, let's get this apartment! It's so great! I'm not even concerned about this weird closet that was hidden by an armoire for some reason.
Hutch: Listen, tenants who are also my friends, that building is FUCKED. UP. Some crazy-ass shit went down there. With witches.
[they buy it ANYWAY because it is ADORABLE and they want to pretend they are FANCY, even though her husband is NOT THAT SUCCESSFUL an actor]
Mia Farrow: Let's have sex in our empty apartment!
[they DO]
Friendly Young Neighbor: Hi. I live with the old people next door to you. I was basically a whore and they took me in. I'm not sure why. I don't really ask.
Mia Farrow: That's nice of them. They must be really nice people.
[the NEXT DAY, they find the SAME GIRL on the SIDEWALK, DEAD and it is GROSS]
Mr. Old Neighbor: Well, she was pretty depressed. Whatevs. Now you can be our little pets.
[they invite them for DINNER and talk about RELIGION and it is sort of CREEPY]
Mia Farrow's Husband: Hey! The guy who was supposed to play that part I wanted is suddenly going blind for no reason! Awesome! Now I will be a big star! HELL of a way to get a part, though...heh, heh.
[he starts to be a DICK]
Mia Farrow: Stop being a dick.
Mia Farrow's Husband: Okay. Let's make a baby.*
[he keeps track of her OVULATION and it is WEIRD]
Mrs. Old Neighbor: I brought you some chocolate mouse. Have it! It's delicious!
Mia Farrow: This mousse tastes weird.
Mia Farrow's Husband: EAT IT AND BE NEIGHBORLY.
Mia Farrow: But she's not even he-
Mia Farrow's Husband: EAT IT!
[she DOES NOT eat it because it tastes like EVIL, which tastes like CHALK]
Mia Farrow: What the fuck? I feel SO HIGH right now.
[she has a FUCKED-UP dream that involves the SISTINE CHAPEL and the DEVIL and a BUNCH of WEIRD SHIT]
Mia Farrow: This is no dream, this is really happening!*
[she wakes up with SCRATCHES all over her]
Mia Farrow's Husband: Oh, I did you while you were sleeping. Hope that's cool.
Mrs. Old Neighbor: Here. Have some vitamin drink. It's good for you. Also, see this doctor we know. He's good for you. WE CARE ABOUT YOU. SO MUCH CARING.
[Mia Farrow's OLD LANDLORD goes into a COMA after he lost his GLOVE and she is SKETCHED OUT, but still gets a SASSY 'DO from VIDAL SASSOON]
Mia Farrow: Let's have a party with our regular friends...not those old weirdos.
All her friends: Um...you look TERRIBLE. And your doctor sounds icky.
Mia Farrow's Husband: Your friends are bitches.*
[their old landlord DIES and at the FUNERAL she gets a BOOK from a MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who tells her the NAME is an ANAGRAM]
Mia Farrow: Thank god this Scrabble game is such a big fad! I can use the letters to solve this mystery!
[she DOES, and realizes that Mr. Old Neighbor is EVIL, and finds out MORE CLUES that point in the direction of WITCHES]
Mia Farrow: Help me! My husband is in collusion with a coven of witches!
Other Obstetrician: Don't worry, that's just normal female hysterics. I'll call your husband and doctor. Oh, women...will you EVER have reasoning? Ha ha.
[he DOES, and she RUNS AWAY but they PURSUE her and TAKE her baby but tell her it DIED]
Mia Farrow: Where's my baby?!?!?!??
[she FINDS it, and the COVEN, in the SECRET CHAMBER behind the OMINOUS CLOSET]
Mia Farrow: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIS EYES?*
Mr. Old Neighbor: He has his father's eyes.*
Mia Farrow: Wait, what? I still don't get it.
Mr. Old Neighbor: Hell-OOO??? His father is the DEVIL. DUH.
Mia Farrow: Oh. OH! I am REALLY creeped out now. I thought you were just going to sacrifice him. This is an entirely different story. Well, he is still my baby...
[the CREEPY LULLABY starts again]

Sight Unseen Guest Post: Ghost Rider

A lot of people saw this movie. Laura McClain wasn't one of them. That won't stop her from writing a synopsis, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```

[it is the PAST]
Young Nicolas Cage: Life is good. I'm a daring biker, and my name is literally Johnny Blaze. And my dad is awesome and totally my hero. Things could not get any sweeter!
Supportive Father: Yeah, thing are gre-

[he gets CANCER and is GOING to DIE]

Young Nicolas Cage: NOOOO! I'll do anything to save my father's life!

Peter Fonda: ANYTHING????

Young Nicolas Cage: Where did you come from? And why are you on fire?

Peter Fonda: We'll worry about that later. I can totally save your dad for a simple trade.

Young Nicolas Cage: Yeah, okay, whatever you say. Save him!

[Peter Fonda DOES and then laughs MANICALLY]

Peter Fonda: Sucker! I own your soul now. Here's a sweet motorcycle and a burning chain. Your skull will spontaneously combust and shoot flames whenever a demon is near. Kill them all.

[he DISAPPEARS, presumably to the BOWELS of HELL. Many years PASS]

Nicolas Cage: Man, things are terrible. After all that work to sell my soul to the devil, my dad died anyway in a mysteriously firey motorcycle accident. Being the devil's minion really sucks.

[he LISTENS to The Carpenters, SHOWING that he is really SENSITIVE and TOTALLY not INTO this whole FIREY-SKULL thing, and THEN has to KILL some DEMONS]

Eva Mendes: Is something burning?

[Nicolas Cage looks WRYLY at the CAMERA, then SAVES Eva Mendes from SOME sort of DEMON]

Evan Mendes: Thanks a lot, freak. Hey, wouldn't it be great to have your soul back? Luckily, I'm a brilliant big-city reporter.

Nicolas Cage: You're also…hot.

[he looks WRYLY at the CAMERA]

Eva Mendes: I found out that all you have to do is kill the devil's son, and you'll have your soul back. Plus, it turns out that the devil killed your dad in that freak motorcycle accident.

Nicolas Cage: So much information! My skull feels like it's…on fire.

[he looks WRYLY at the CAMERA and then SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS]

The Devil's Son: You think you can take me? BRING IT!

[they have an AWESOME showdown in SLOW-MOTION, with a CHORUS of DEMONIC singers in the BACKGROUND]

The Devil's Son: I'll drag your lady friend back to hell with me!

[he DOES. Nicolas Cage FOLLOWS him, making fire-related WISECRACKS all the way]

Peter Fonda: What the...hell...is going on here?

[they all look WRYLY at the CAMERA]

Nicolas Cage: This fire's gonna be put out!

[he STABS the devil's son in an IRONIC tribute to his own SLAIN father]

Peter Fonda: NOOOOOOO!

[he MELTS or SOMETHING]

Nicolas Cage: What a crazy adventure. Let's go home, Eva Mendes.

Eva Mendes: That's...hot.

[they LAUGH and RIDE his MOTORCYCLE into a FIREY sunset, as "Close to You" PLAYS in the BACKGROUND]