X-Men: First Class

I like how, on this poster, they put Havok on it, but so, so far back that it almost doesn't matter that he's there, like the tiny CGI horse at 0:38 in this Beyonce video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is WWII Germany]
L'il Fassbender: Nooooo! Don't take meine Mutti away!! Noooo! We are Jews!!!!
[he BENDS a GATE and the Nazis are like WHAT]
L'il Fassbender: Raaaaaaaaaaage!!! My rage makes metal do things!!!!
[it is WESTCHESTER, also during WWII]
L'il McAvoy: Oh, hello, possible burglar. I don't mean to pry, but...you're clearly not my mother, though you look like her. I was just wondering what you were doing in my kitchen. Also I was wondering why I have an English accent, since we're in America.
L'il Lawrence: Uh...I'm a shapeshifter. My real form is blue and weird-looking. But I guess you knew that because you can read minds. Not really sure about the accent thing, though.
L'il McAvoy: Jolly good, we're both mutants then! You can live with me, though we are both, like, 10.
[back in GERMANY]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Move this coin.
L'il Fassbender: I can't!
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: No? Okay, I'll shoot your mom then.
[he DOES, and L'il Fassbender goes NUTBALLS and all the METAL everywhere is, like, DESTROYED]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Yes! Yes!!! Mutants!!!!
[it is LATER, during the SWINGING SIXTIES]
James McAvoy: You have a mutation...a very groovy mutation.*
Random Hot Girl: Hahahaha! Your stupid pickup line totally worked on me!
Jennifer Lawrence: Sigh.
[it is LAS VEGAS]
Extremely Unnecessary Title Card: LAS VEGAS, NV
Rose Byrne: Look! It's that general! I'm going to tail him in lingerie, just like a CIA agent would, because I am totally a CIA agent, you guys.
[she DOES, because in the SIXTIES, all ladies wore FANCY UNDIES ALWAYS]
January Jones: Are my breasts big enough to distract you from how bad I am at acting?
Kevin Bacon: ...not really.
January Jones: Oh well, here they are anyway. I can turn into diamonds LOL
[she LURES the GENERAL into a ROOM with her VACANT SEXINESS]
Kevin Bacon: You better vote for the government to put nukes in Turkey!
General: No!
Kevin Bacon: Yes!
[the TORNADO-MAKING GUY shows his MUTANT POWERS and also his SWEET LUXURIOUS MANE]
General: Okay! Your tornadoes, and to a lesser extent, your hair, have convinced me.
[the RED MUTANT spirits him AWAY via MUTANT POWERS]
Rose Byrne: Nukes in Turkey! And mutants!! That's no good! I better tell the rest of the CIA!
[they don't BELIEVE her because of SEXISM]
Rose Byrne: Damn my lingerie!! I must find a mutant expert! That's a real thing, right?
[meanwhile, in ARGENTINA]
Michael Fassbender: I'll have a beer, please, and also the square jaw of Viggo Mortensen. Oh wait, I already have that. Just the beer, I guess.
Some Guys Who Are Clearly Nazis in Hiding: Deutsches Bier...das Beste.
Michael Fassbender: BUSTED. You guys are totally Nazis. And I'm a Jew...who is gonna kill your asses!!!
[he DOES, spectacularly]
Michael Fassbender: Revenge!!!!!
[meanwhile, on a BOAT]
General: Okay, so now that I've helped you get the nukes into Turkey, I can just, like, chill out, right?
Kevin Bacon: NOPE. And guess what? I'm also a mutant!! And my mutant power is absorbing energy!! Like the energy from that grenade you were going to try to kill me with!!!! But instead I will kill you!!!!!!
[he DOES, also spectacularly, but less so]
Rose Byrne: I need to find a mutant expert.
James McAvoy: I am a charming mutant expert. You have a very groovy mutation...*
Rose Byrne: Okay, stop trying to charm me, this is serious. I need your help at the CIA.
CIA Heads: These mutants might be dangerous! We can't HIRE them!
Oliver Platt: Yes, but I can! I'm in this movie!!
James McAvoy: Okay, but first we have to find Kevin Bacon. I will do it with my mind powers.
[they FIND him on his BOAT and try to CAPTURE him but he gets away in his SUBMARINE]
Michael Fassbender: Nooooo!!! My revenge!!!
James McAvoy: Stop trying to stop his submarine with your powers of metal, new friend. Just calm down in the water here with me. Rest your head upon my shoulder. Not in a gay way or anything.
[they DO NOT KISS but really SHOULD]
Oliver Platt: I'm still in the movie! Enjoy it while it lasts! Let's go to my compound.
About A Boy: Hi guys! I'm a scientist! And a mutant! Please don't stare at my feet!
[his FEET are HUGE]
Jennifer Lawrence: Bokayyyyy! You also have mutant body issues, just like me! Maybe we can work through them together.
About A Boy: Also I made this thing that can amplify telepathic powers! Let's find some more mutants! Here, put this thing on your head.
James McAvoy: Don't touch my hair.*
[there is a MUTANT-FINDING montage that is PRETTY GREAT]
Angel: I'm a stripper with bug wings!
Havok: I can shoot red flame things!
Darwin: I adapt to my environment! Also I am black, FYI.
Banshee: I can yell real loud!
James McAvoy: Great! You guys hang out here and we'll go see what the bad guys are up to.
[the BAD GUYS attack the COMPOUND and basically DESTROY it except for the MUTANTS]
Angel: I'm switching sides, you guys.
Darwin: Nooooooo!
[he tries to STOP HER but instead is KILLED because of TROPES]
Kevin Bacon: Come on, stripper bug, let's get out of here.
[meanwhile, in RUSSIA]
January Jones: Seriously, check out this rack, you guys. It is, like, amazing. I just want to look at my own breasts all day.
Michael Fassbender: Yeah, we get it.
James McAvoy: Now tell us the plan! Oh wait, I'm a telepath, I'll just look in your brain and find it out!
[he DOES]
James McAvoy: Oh shit, Kevin Bacon is going to start World War III! All right, back to the compound to assemble our army of teen mutants.
Jennifer Lawrence: Um...it's destroyed.
James McAvoy: Oh, easy fix, we'll just go to my insanely huge mansion upstate.
[they DO, and do a GROOVY TRAINING MONTAGE]
Teen Mutants: We are good at our powers now!
Michael Fassbender: I learned to harness my emotions to move a satellite dish!
James McAvoy: Yes. Use the place between rage and serenity.*
Michael Fassbender: Isn't that, like...all the emotions? Like, if rage is a 10, serenity is a 1?
James McAvoy: Shut up, it sounds good.
[they both shed A SINGLE TEAR but still DO NOT KISS]
About A Boy: I brought you a present!
Jennifer Lawrence: Is it chocolates?
About A Boy: No, it's a serum that will fix how you are so ugly.
Jennifer Lawrence: That is a terrible present!
[she tries to deal with her MUTANT BODY ISSUES by THROWING HERSELF at Fassbender]
Michael Fassbender: You fine, but not now. But let me reiterate: daaaaamn, you fine.
About A Boy: I was just trying to help...I'll take the serum myself, though.
[he DOES and he turns BLUE and FURRY]
About A Boy: My comeuppance!!! Now I will grow up to be Kelsey Grammer! Whyyyyy!!
Rose Byrne: Ummmmm you guys we still kind of need your help to capture this bad guy...the Cuban missile crisis is happening and I think he's going to use it to start a war so mutants can take over.
Kevin Bacon: Yes!! That is totally my plan! I will wear this helmet the Russians made to block out telepaths! It does not look stupid AT ALL.
[there is an INTENSE STANDOFF involving the EMBARGO LINE and MICHAEL IRONSIDE]
Kevin Bacon: Hahaha! When the Americans shoot that Russian ship that my henchmen now have control of, a global thermonuclear war will be launched!
James McAvoy: Oh no you don't!
[he TELEPATHICALLY makes a RUSSIAN DUDE blow up the RUSSIAN SHIP so there is NO WAR]
Michael Fassbender: Now, for my revenge.
James McAvoy: No! Don't do it! Be the better man!
Michael Fassbender: Dude, he killed my mom.
[he STEALS the STUPID HELMET and kills Kevin Bacon with a COIN through his FOREHEAD]
Michael Fassbender: Remember this coin from earlier? I CAN MOVE IT NOW, BITCH.
[he DOES NOT actually say that but he is TOTALLY THINKING IT]
James McAvoy: We can coexist with humans!
Michael Fassbender: Then why did the Americans and Russians BOTH just shoot all their missiles at us?
James McAvoy: Oh. Well, shit.
Michael Fassbender: We can never live peacefully with them!!
[he uses his METAL POWERS to aim the MISSILES back where they CAME FROM]
James McAvoy: What are you doing?!
Rose Byrne: Yeah, stop that!
[she SHOOTS and one of the bullets is DEFLECTED into James McAvoy's LUMBAR REGION]
James McAvoy: My spine!!!
Michael Fassbender: I guess we are enemies now, old friend. Bye!
Jennifer Lawrence: I'm, uh...I'm switching sides too. Mutant and proud!!
James McAvoy: Great. I'm paralyzed and have no friends. I guess I'll open a mutant school. That seems appropriate.
Michael Fassbender: And I'll find that diamond lady with the big ta-tas!
January Jones: That's me!
[she STARES VACANTLY]
Michael Fassbender: Now I shall be called...MAGNETO!!!
[he puts on a CAPE for some reason]

UCM Classique: The Net

I know, I know, I've been slacking over here. I sort of really got into updating my other blog and also not seeing very many movies, so it's been a dry spell up in this piece. So here's a "classic" (read: old) post for your perusal while I get my shit together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 1995]

Sandra Bullock: I am so good at computers. I can find problems in any program, as well as order pizza online, though literally no pizza place had online ordering in 1995.

Dale [on phone]: I’m sending you a big virus. I can’t talk about it over the phone, though. Let’s meet in real life.

Sandra Bullock: AAAAAAAA! Real people terrify me! I shall take this virus to Mexico as my pet.

[she CHATS with some ONLINE people who do NOT terrify her and shares her ROMANTIC DREAMS]

Sandra Bullock: Off to Mexico! I’m so ready for a relaxing vacation. But first, I’ll stop and see my mom in the nursing home.

Her Mom: Are you one of my students? I don’t know you.

Sandra Bullock: Alzheimer’s sucks. I’m going to call Dale.

Some Other Guy: Dale is dead. His plane crashed because of a computer malfunction.

[she goes to the AIRPORT and everything is BROKEN and the arrival and departure screens say things like “HIJACKED” though clearly a screen would NEVER say that]

Sandra Bullock: Hmmm…my knowledge of computers tells me that this is odd. But I’ll go to Mexico anyway.

[she DOES and is the HOTTEST GEEK EVER and is on her LAPTOP on the BEACH]

Jeremy Northam: I’ll take a Gibson. That’s a martini with an onion instead of an olive, and also a calculated attempt to get that woman to notice me.

Sandra Bullock: Boy, did that ever work!

[they have a WHIRLWIND romance that ENDS with some dude STEALING her purse so she has NO ID and NO VIRUS]

Jeremy Northam: I’ll save you! But really I will KILL you.

[they go on a BOAT to a SECLUDED spot and he TRIES to kill her but she ESCAPES and takes the VIRUS with her]

Sandra Bullock: I have to get home! But I have no identity! DAMN YOU, COMPUTERS!

Embassy Woman: The computers say you’re someone else.

Sandra Bullock: Sigh. I will compromise my ideals to get home.

[she SIGNS the visa with someone else’s NAME and goes HOME, only to find that her LIFE has been ERASED]

Sandra Bullock: Someone must remember me!!

Dennis Miller: Hey babe…you look worse than a heretic after she’s met with the Grand Inquisitor. Am I right? Am I right?

Sandra Bullock: Shut UP! Just help me! The internet is out to get me!

[he gets KILLED by COMPUTERS that FUCK UP his prescription]

Sandra Bullock: Help me, online friend!

[the ONLINE FRIEND gets KILLED at a SCARY CARNIVAL]

Jeremy Northam: You see? YOU SEE? YOU CAN’T GET AWAY.

Sandra Bullock: You’re right…I can’t. So I will TAKE YOU DOWN.

[she BREAKS into the software company, where SOMEONE is using her IDENTITY, and uses IP ADDRESSES to find out who is behind all the SHENANIGANS]

Sandra Bullock: Oh my! It’s the CEO of the computer security company! He built a program to break into everything! How dishonest!

Conveniently Placed PA Announcement: The booth for this software company at the big software expo is in the southeast corner.

Sandra Bullock: That’s it!!

[she GOES to the EXPO and puts the VIRUS in the computer with the DISHONESTY PROGRAM]

Sandra Bullock: I just sent everything to the FBI, suckaaaaa!

Jeremy Northam: Well, we have access to the FBI, so who’s the sucka now??? I’ll just press the escape key and this will all go awa---WHAAAAA?!?!?

[the ESCAPE KEY activates the VIRUS, which makes all the SCREENS look like they are MELTING, including the one displaying the FAKE IDENTITY of Sandra Bullock, so we can see how everything is OKAY now]

Sandra Bullock: Perhaps I shall start a garden. Those can’t erase your identity.

1995 Audience: I am afraid of the internet. I sure hope it doesn’t catch on too much.

Iron Man 2

Thank you to my lovely friend Charlie for the chance to see this movie a) for free, b) before it was officially released and c) in a packed, huge theater full of people who were REALLY EXCITED about it. That is the best possible way to see a movie, in my opinion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the END of the FIRST MOVIE]
Robert Downey Jr.: And, blah blah, blah, I am Iron Man.
Mickey Rourke: Nyet. He has stolen all this technology from my father, who just died and basically told me to avenge him, kind of, on his deathbed. Come, my beloved cockatoo. Let us build a suit to rival Tony Stark's.
[there is a BUILDING THINGS montage]
Mickey Rourke: [Russian chuckle]
[meanwhile, six months LATER in QUEENS]
Tony Stark: Welcome to the Stark Expo!! Do you like my sexy Iron Man dancers? I banged all of 'em. Yeahhhhhh I'm Tony Staaaaaaaaaarrrrk! But on a more serious note, here's a video of my father, Roger Sterling, explaining how we're going to make the future better.
[he checks his BLOOD TOXICITY and it is GETTING WORSE]
Robert Downey Jr.: I will hide my pain and cover it with sexy, sexy banter. But first, I guess I have to go to a senate hearing?
Garry Shandling: Tony Stark, you say you have created peace, but really you have created a weapon! And we want it! Also my face looks like a fish, but that's beside the point.
Robert Downey Jr.: You can never have my weapon, because I am my weapon!! That is not a double entendre!
Don Cheadle: It's...kind of a dangerous weapon, though, dude. Not that I want to betray you or anything.
Sam Rockwell: Boo hoo, I want to make weapons too! But I suck at it, relative to Tony Stark. Also, my name is Justin Hammer. What a retarded name.
[meanwhile, at Stark's KICKIN' PAD]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Tony! Tony! TONY! I'm really worried about you, as usual, and about the company, as usual, and my outfit is classic and sleek and amazing, as usual, and somehow I make these weird bangs look good, as usual.
RDJ: Well, worry no more, babycakes, I'm making you CEO!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Um...ok! I hope this won't affect our sexy banter, though.
RDJ: Psh, no way.
[meanwhile, in a DANK RUSSIAN PLACE]
Mickey Rourke: Tony Stark will paaaaaaaaaaaayyy! Wodkaaaaaa!!
[meanwhile, in Tony's BOXING RING]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Tony, I've brought you an extremely foxy notary.
Scarlett Johansson: It's okay to stare. I know my body is bangin'.
Jon Favreau: Daaaaaaaaaaaamn! Here, let me teach you to box.
[she TAKES him DOWN and it is HILARIOUS because she is a SEXY LADY and he is a BIG MAN]
Tony Stark: Yes, please.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, you!
[everyone goes to MONACO for a RACE because that is what VERY RICH PEOPLE do]
Sam Rockwell: Oh hey man, check it out, I'm super cool now because I have a Vanity Fair article coming out on me soon and I'm totally gonna be cooler than you in my three-piece suits and hot nerd glasses, so suck on that, Stark!
RDJ: Well, I have a racecar. That I'm gonna drive. Recklessly. Because I am dying of secret poison blood.
[he SUITS UP because he DOES NOT FEAR DEATH]
Mickey Rourke: Porfect.
[he just fucking STROLLS on to the racetrack and everyone is like WHAT but then they are like OH SHIT because he has WHIPS made of fucking LIGHTNING or some shit]
Gwyneth Paltrow: He is clearly after my lover. I mean boss. I mean former boss. Shit, just get in the car.
[there are SWEET SWEET EXPLOSIONS and eventually Jon Favreau HITS Mickey Rourke with his CAR]
RDJ: Now I will suit up and we will battle! And it will be super awesome!!
[it IS, pretty much]
Gendarmes: Come wiz us, monsieur, you are under arrest pour...well, you know what you did, we all saw it.
Mickey Rourke: Your prisons will never hold me!
[they do NOT, but only because he has some HELP in the form of a FAKED DEATH]
Sam Rockwell: Well, hello! Welcome to my pristine airplane hangar! Would you like some salmon carpaccio after your prison stay? I will also give you a skajillion dollars to help me develop something to rival Tony Stark's Iron Man suit.
Mickey Rourke: Da, I will help you, but I want my bord.*
Sam Rockwell: Uh, cool, man, I'm on it, now let's make some fuckin' soldier suits!
[meanwhile, at Tony Stark's BIRTHDAY PARTY]
RDJ: I'm drunk and in the Iron Man suit woooooooooooo! This is a great use of a superweapon yeaaaaaaaahhhh!! Throw some more shit up in the air for me to shoot at!
Don Cheadle: Oh, hell no.
[he gets in ANOTHER SUIT and they have an EPIC FUCKING BATTLE]
Don Cheadle: Sorry, man...I gotta take this with me and betray you to the US government, and also your rival, Justin Hammer.
RDJ: Everyone hates me!! I'm just gonna go eat fuckin' donuts in that iconic big donut.
Sam Jackson: Get your motherfuckin' donuts off of that motherfuckin' donut!
RDJ: Bwaaaaaa?
Scarlett Johansson: Hey. We're from SHIELD. We've been monitoring you.
Sam Jackson: You got to shape. The fuck. Up, son! We need you! Here's a bunch of your dad's old shit, maybe you can use it to figure out how to not be dying anymore.
RDJ: Um, my dad kind of hated me? So this is going to be really emotional? Ugh, whatever.
[he watches some OUTTAKES from his dad's REEL-TO-REEL MOVIES]
Roger Sterling: Son, my greatest creation was, and always will be, you.*
Me: [mild weeping in a theater full of Marvel employees]
RDJ: Oh shit! It says on this map of Flushing Meadows "The Key to the Future is Here." This is one of those "there's always money in the banana stand" moments, isn't it?! This is a double meaning.
[he uses his RETARDEDLY AMAZING COMPUTER to figure out that his dad hid a fucking ATOMIC STRUCTURE in the map of QUEENS]
JARVIS: Congratulations, sir. You have discovered a new element.*
RDJ: Holler!!
[he builds a CONTRAPTION involving MANY PIPES and a BEAM OF LIGHT and CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SHIELD to synthesize his element]
RDJ: Yes! Now I'm not gonna die from secret blood poison! Let's see if this shit works...
[he PLUGS it into his BODY]
RDJ: Tastes...like...coconut...*
[meanwhile, at the HEADQUARTERS of HAMMER INDUSTRIES]
Sam Rockwell: Hey, Russian! Where's my technology?
Mickey Rourke: Is not finished, can make salute only.
Sam Rockwell: What? Okay, henchmen, take his bird. Yeah. Yeah, and take his pillows. And his shoes. Hey. I just took all your stuff. How's that feel, huh? Bad, right? THAT'S HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.*
Mickey Rourke: Will not make drones work, sorry.
Sam Rockwell: Well, it's all good, bro, because I got some Stark technology up in here, paid for with the betrayal of his best buddy. So you can just chill out. I got an expo to go to.
[obvs he KILLS the HENCHMEN and takes his BIRD back]
Mickey Rourke: Hello. I am not dead, Tony.
RDJ: What the - trace the call!
Call Trace Computer: The call is coming from one of the five boroughs of New York City.
RDJ: Oh hell no - he's in fucking Queens!! JUSTIN HAMMER!!!!
[meanwhile, on the MAINSTAGE at the EXPO]
Sam Rockwell: Hey guys, sorry I don't have the charisma of Tony Stark. But check it - I got drones! They don't work yet, but I also have an Iron Man suit! His best friend is operating it under orders from the US military! BOOYA!
Don Cheadle: Ugh, I feel terrible.
RDJ: Oh hey guys, um...so I'm pretty sure that Russian guy is not dead and also he is planning to fuck this expo UP. We need to get out of here.
[the DRONES activate and start FUCKING SHIT UP]
RDJ: Too late.
[there is a CRAZY DRONE BATTLE and it is fucking COOL as SHIT]
Don Cheadle: I can't control my own suit! Nooooo! I don't want to kill you, Tony!
Gwyneth Paltrow: This is a PR nightmare!!
Scarlett Johansson: Time to put this amazing booty to use.
[she goes to HAMMER INDUSTRIES and fucking DOMINATES all the henchmen while Jon Favreau fights ONE MEASLY DUDE]
Scarlett Johansson: I have used technology and also my enviable body to win this situation, and my lack of acting talent didn't even get in my way. Though my huge tits almost did. Drink it in, nerds.
RDJ: Okay, awesome, now that Foxy Operative has rebooted your suit, we can fight the drones together, friend who betrayed me, but it’s kind of okay because I totally get why you did it.
Don Cheadle: Sweet.
[there is, OBVIOUSLY, another SWEET SWEET BATTLE]
Mickey Rourke: I have come to say dosvydanya to you.
[RDJ and Don Cheadle EXPLODE him]
All the Drones: eepBeep! We are going to explode!!
RDJ: Shit! I must save my lady love! I mean secretary! I mean boss! I mean…shit!
[he FLIES in and SAVES Gwyneth and takes her to a ROOFTOP in QUEENS with EXPLOSIONS in the background]
Gwyneth Paltrow: I always hoped our first kiss would be on a rooftop in Queens with explosions in the background.
RDJ: Well, come here, then.
[they FINALLY kiss and you are like THANK GOD because she needed to be HITTING THAT]
Don Cheadle: I’m keepin’ the suit, buddy! PEACE.
Garry Shandling: Oh no! Irony! Now I have to give them medals!
RDJ: Suckaaaaaaaaaaa.
Sam Jackson: So…we kind of want the Iron Man suit in our little organization, but we don’t really want you. So I’m not real sure how that’s gonna work out. We can figure it out in the next movie.
Agent Coulson: But guys…the next movie is Thor. I just found his hammer in the desert.
Marvel: OH SNAP CHECK OUT OUR SWEET CONTINUITY BITCHESSSSS

Guest Post: Titanic

First of all: I hated this movie from the moment I saw it. I'd like to say it was my keenly-honed sense of What Is Bad Dialogue at the age of 16, but in reality, it was probably a reaction to the hype surrounding it - the "If everyone else likes this, then it is not worth liking" reaction that I also had to Green Day when Dookie came out (who I now realize are actually pretty good) and UGG boots my freshman year of college (which I still hate). In any event, my fiery hatred of this movie (Kate Winslet notwithstanding, because I would gay-marry her in the states that allow it) means that I have not seen it one million times, and it is much easier to write one of these things for something you have seen one million times. Has Laura McClain seen this one million times? Maybe. But she has certainly captured its essence in what is one of our longer UCMs to date. We hope you enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is the LATE 90s]
Bill Paxton-not-Pullman: I’m so excited to dig amongst the ruins of the Titanic! The treasures we will find!
[he PILOTS a baby SUBMARINE and DIGS through WRECKAGE with CLAW HANDS]
Bill Paxton: A trunk! This is where the diamond will be.
[there is no DIAMOND, just some MUD]
Science Worker: Look what I found while cleaning the wreckage.
[he HOLDS us a CHARCOAL drawing of a NAKED CHICK which is PRESERVED, against ALL LOGIC]
BPax: Whaaaaa? This naked chick is wearing the cheesy diamond!
[meanwhile, in the HOME of SOMEONE who has CLEARLY led a RICH and FULFILLING life]
News Report: People are still grave-robbing the Titanic. Check out the cans on this tragic shipwreck victim.
Very Old Woman: Haaaaand me the phooooone.
[she CALLS Bill Paxton, SOMEHOW]
VOW: The woman in the picture is meeeee.*
[she TRAVELS to BPax’s BOAT and GOES down to the WRECKAGE]
VOW: Even though nobody aaaasked, I will tell you my traaaagic tale. They called Titanic the ship of dreaaaaams. And it waaaas. It reaaaally was…*
[we are TRANSPORTED to the PAST via the MAGIC of a PAN FLUTE]
Kate Winslet: Pish. This ship is nowhere near as impressive as my giant hat.
Billy Zane: Ha ha! Silly Rose! This ship rules!
[they BOARD the SHIP whilst MISTREATING those of a LOWER social standing]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Fellas, me and my comically Italian friend here are gonna beat your asses in this here poker game.
Random Roughneck: Care to make it more interesting?
[he LAYS down Titanic TICKETS]
Leo: Flush. Or straight, or whatever. I win!
Porter: All aboard!
Leo: Ya-hoo!
[the SHIP pulls AWAY from the DOCK with like, RIDICULOUS DRAMA]
Audience: Dial it back, Cameron, we all took fourth-grade history.
Kate: Yawn. I guess my gilded stateroom is nice and all, but UGH. So bored.
[she UNPACKS a bunch of Monet and Picasso PAINTINGS for no REAL reason but to show that she is WAY DEEP]
Leo: I am so grateful for my pitiful metal bunk in steerage! I will scream out my joy for my good fortune but balancing precariously on the bow of the ship!
[he YELLS a CATCHPHRASE and “WOOS” a LOT like a TEEN on TRL]
[MEANWHILE, in FIRST CLASS…]
Kathy Bates: Hey there, young lady! I am Molly Brown. Some may even call me unsinkable! Wink wink.
Kate’s Mom: New money.*
[they all EAT lunch and the ship owner BRAGS about SIZE and Kate MAKES a SASSY Freud JOKE which AMUSES Victor Garbor, the ship designer]
Zane: We’ll just have to control what she reads from now on.
[he does not TWIRL a MUSTACHE, but he MIGHT as WELL]
Leo: I will sketch these hardworking people on the ship deck. Dreamboat!
[he SEES Kate and is like, WHOA]
Kate: I can’t take this anymore! These fancy parties and these beautiful gowns and that dickface I have to marry! Weeeep!
[she RUNS to the BACK of the SHIP and DANGLES over it]
Leo: Don’t do it! We’re in the North Atlantic. That water is hella cold.
Kate: Your words have soothed me, vagrant. I will let you pull me to safety.
[she SLIPS on her AMAZING dress and ALMOST dies and it is SUSPENSEFUL]
Zane: You filth! How dare you touch my property!
Kate: No, he saved me. I was leaning over to look at the propellers.
Zane: You women. So stupid. Come to dinner with us, young ruffian. I’d like to insincerely thank you for saving my fiancée while looking like a big shot when I make fun of your hayseed ways.
Kate: Thanks again for saving me. The inertia of my life was just too intense.
Leo: No biggie. Look at my sketches of French prostitutes.
[they BOND over ART]
Kate: Oh, why can’t I be poor and free, like you? I want to ride horses in the surf and spit.
[they have a SPITTING LESSON and it is GROSS]
Kate’s Mom: So you’re the peasant who saved my precious daughter. See you at dinner.
Kathy Bates: Come, you dashing young rogue. I’ll let you borrow my son’s implausibly well-fitting tuxedo.
[he GOES to DINNER and CHARMS the PANTS off all the RICHIE RICHES]
Leo: So, you want to go to a real party?*
[they go into STEERAGE and have fun, ETHNIC times, while Zane’s MANSERVANT looks on MENACINGLY]
Zane: I can’t believe you. Cavorting with a hobo like that!
[he FLIPS a TABLE to SHOW he MEANS business]
Kate’s Mom: I don’t want you seeing that vagabond again!
[she YANKS on Kate’s CORSET strings to show that she, too, MEANS business]
Kate: I HATE YOU ALL.
Leo: Hey! It’s you! What’s up?
Kate: I can never see you again. This burgeoning romance is just waaaay too clichéd.
Leo: Blerg.
Kate: Forget it. I changed my mind. Your bangs are too floppy to resist.
[they KISS on the BOW of the SHIP and it looks UNCOMFORTABLE]
[MEANWHILE, lest you FORGET where we ARE…]
Ship Owner: Faster! I want the world to marvel at both size and speed. That’s what she said!
Captain: But sir, I…
Ship Owner: Silence!
[IMMIGRANTS shovel more COAL into the ENGINES]
Kate: Welcome to my stateroom. Look at this honking diamond my lame fiancé gave me.
Leo: Sweet.
Kate: I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. Wearing this. Wearing ONLY THIS.*
Leo: SWEET.
[she DISROBES and he DRAWS her BOOBIES]
VOW: It waaaas the mooooost eroooootic moooment of my liiiiife.*
Everyone on BPax’s Ship: Yikes.
Kate: Let’s go for a walk - gah!
[the MANSERVANT starts to PURSUE them and they RUN AWAY for SOME REASON instead of ACTING like ADULTS]
Manservant: The joke is on them. I put the giant diamond in the poor boy’s coat. Mwah ha ha.
Leo: Ha ha! We got away. And look at this cool car down in steerage.
Kate: Put your hands on me.*
[they have EXCESSIVELY SWEATY sex]
Kate: I’m running away with you! Let’s make out!
Guy in Crow’s Nest: Aww. Look at ‘em! Kissin’ on th’ deck!
Other Guy: Awwwwwww.
[they DO not NOTICE a HUGE FUCKING ICEBERG]
Ship: Slam!!!
First Class Passengers: What the what? How dast you disturb my moneyed slumber!
Ship Owner: But this ship is unsinkable! At least that’s what our ads say…
Victor Garber: You fool! Titanic will flounder.*
Leo: Wow, look at all this ice. I think the ship might be in tro-
Zane: Thief! He stole my priceless necklace!
[the ship cops DRAG him AWAY because catching a PETTY THIEF is really IMPORTANT right now]
Kate: Could he have done it? I am so conflicted!
[MEANWHILE, the GUYS in the ENGINE ROOM are DROWNING in ICY water]
Porters: Now, just stay there, unwashed steerage passengers. We’re keeping you locked below deck. For your own safety.
Rich Passengers: My life jacket looks smashing with this tuxedo! Bring me another brandy!
[a MILD panic STARTS, but EVERYONE is still in the DARK/DENIAL]
String Quartet: Let’s play jaunty tunes on the deck, to keep people calm.
Ship: I am tipping over.
Kate: I must find Leo! I won’t get in this lifeboat. GOODBYE, MOTHER.*
[she RUNS below DECK and FINDS him HANDCUFFED to a POLE]
Kate: I will axe you free!
[she DOES, but now they are BELOW deck where SHIT is GOING DOWN, namely the SHIP]
Leo: Run!
Kate: Swim!
[they OVERCOME many CGI WATER-BASED obstacles and EVENTUALLY make it ABOVE deck]
Zane: There you are. Get in this lifeboat. I will get in a different lifeboat with your boyfriend here. Why WOULDN’T you trust me?
Kate: I will reluctantly agree.
[some FLARES explode, ILLUMINATING Leo’s Tiger Beat FACE]
Kate: NOOOO!
[she LEAPS out of the BOAT and into the BIGGER, DOOMED boat]
Leo: You idiot! I love you!
[Zane MAKES a POUTY face and then PURSES them with a GUN, because the INHERENT drama of one of the WORST maritime disasters in HISTORY is not ENOUGH]
Kate: Damn it! Guess we have to run/swim/narrowly escape death again.
[MEANWHILE, touching things HAPPEN, like an old couple LAYING in a BED and the CAPTAIN getting DROWNED to DEATH]
Leo: We implausibly made it back up to the top!
Ship: I am tipping more! Slide down my wooden deck!
Kathy Bates: [from a lifeboat] God almighty.*
[she WATCHES the SHIP from a DISTANCE and for all my SNARKING it is a pretty REMARKABLE/CHILLING sight]
Leo: Run to the top of the ship! Somehow I know exactly what to do in the rare event that an enormous ocean liner sinks!
Kate: This is where we first met.*
Audience: Awwww.
Ship: See ya.
[the SHIP sinks and it is TERRIFYING]
Leo: Swim, Rose! I found a door for you to lay on. Let’s discuss our relationship while I freeze to death.
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME passes and SERIOUSLY everyone is DEAD]
Kate: There’s a boat, Jack! It came back for us! Jack? Ohhhh shit.
Me, as a 15-Year Old: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Kate: I’ll never let go!
[she LETS go and WHISTLES her way to SALVATION]
VOW: So that’s my tragic tale. Only took three hours to tell!
BPax: Yeah, nice yarn, grams. So….do you have the diamond?
VOW: [Smiles MYSTERIOUSLY]
[later that NIGHT]
VOW: I will drop this priceless diamond into the ocean for absolutely no reason.
[she DIES and her HEAVEN is the Titanic and she and Leo KISS to a SLOW CLAP from all the PASSENGERS and it is SWEET but also kind of CREEPY]

The Game

[it is SAN FRANCISCO]
Michael Douglas: Sigh. My 48th birthday. The same age my father was when he leapt to his death from the roof of our house, the house I still live in that reminds me of it EVERY DAY. Well, I guess I better go be a cold, distant businessman.
His Assistant: You have a message from someone named "Seymour Butts." It seems to be...a play on words of some sort? I don't really understand jokes.
Michael Douglas: Cancel my lunch and make a reservation for me and Mr. Butts. Under my name. Ha.
Sean Penn: Brooooo!! You got my hilarious message, I see. I'm so glad we could meet at your fancy club and establish that you are a responsible older brother and I am a libertine. But I did get you a present. It's a gift certificate for a game!!
Michael Douglas: Hmm. CRS. Consumer Recreation Services. That sounds fake, but ok. I have to go do some business now.
[he celebrates a LONELY BIRTHDAY DINNER with a sad, single CUPCAKE]
Michael Douglas: Well, back to work - whaaaaa? The CRS office is in my office building. WTF. I guess I'll stop by.
[he DOES, and they run a HUGE BATTERY of TESTS on him that takes ALL DAY]
Michael Douglas: I have business to attend to!! But I will stay for your battery of tests.
[his application is REJECTED]
Michael Douglas: Whatever, I'm a billionaire.
[he goes home and finds a SCARY CLOWN PUPPET in his DRIVEWAY]
Michael Douglas: Hmm. A scary clown puppet. I'll just bring this inside and put it on a chair like it's a person.
[his TV starts TALKING to him]
TV: Here are the rules of the game: learning the object of the game IS the game. Good luck.
Michael Douglas: Well, away we go!
[he goes back to his SWANKY CLUB and a WAITRESS spills some DRINKS on him]
Michael Douglas: This is terrible! My suits are expensive! I like money!
Waitress: Fine, fuck you then.
[she LEAVES, but he FOLLOWS her because he got a NOTE to do so and it is part of THE GAME]
Waitress: What the hell do you want? Get lost.
[they find a BUM who is having a HEART ATTACK or something and they go to the HOSPITAL but it turns out NOT to be a hospital and it is a TRICK]
Michael Douglas: It's THE GAAAAAAAME!!
Some Hotel: Sir, your credit card is here. Your room is ready. The young lady called to say she was on her way.
Michael Douglas: What? When did I - ? Huh? And did the young lady leave her name?
Some Hotel: I'm sure I...don't know.*
Waitress: This game is crazy!!
[some people try to KILL them a BUNCH]
Michael Douglas: The gaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!!!!!
[he goes home and his WALLS are covered in BLACKLIGHT PAINT and WHITE RABBIT is playing and it is SUPER CREEPY]
Waitress: What is this? This is nuts! I am on your side, for realsies!
[she DRUGS him and he wakes up in MEXICO and is BROKE and LOST]
Michael Douglas: This isn't a game! It's a scam!!
[some more people SHOOT at him]
Michael Douglas: These repeated attempts on my life have made me cherish it. I will rekindle my relationship with my ex-wife now.
[he DOES, but then people try to KILL him again]
Michael Douglas: That's it! I'm taking hostages!
[he takes the WAITRESS hostage because she is NOT a waitress at ALL, but an OPERATIVE]
Waitress: Wait a minute...that's a real gun. What the hell? It's a game! It's all a GAAAAAMEEEE!! Your brother is behind that door with champagne!!
Michael Douglas: Oh REALLY?!?!?
[he SHOOTS as the DOOR opens and KILLS his brother and it is like SO FUCKING SAD]
Michael Douglas: Noooooooooooooo!!!! What have I donnnnnnnnnneeee?!?!?!
[he JUMPS off the ROOF, thus fulfilling his GENETIC DESTINY]
Me: This movie is the worst.
[he LANDS in an INFLATABLE THING and DOES NOT DIE because it really WAS all a game]
Sean Penn: You didn't actually kill me! Happy birthday!
Michael Douglas: This is some fucked-up shit, dude.
Me: This movie is the best!
Waitress: Sorry I lied to you. All part of the game. I'm off to Australia.
Michael Douglas: We should go on a date now that I have my lust for life back, or possibly for the first time.
Waitress: You could get coffee with me at the airport.
[they DRIVE off and the game is OVER...OR IS IT?!?!?!]

Independence Day

[it is AMERICA]
Bill Pullman: As your extremely sexy president, I am so glad it's the Fourth of July weekend. Let us celebrate, America! My adorable child and accomplished wife, who is somewhere else, join me in wishing you a happy holiday.
Americans in Various Cities: But there are spaceships over us.
Bill Pullman: Oh. My bad. We'll take care of that.
[the spaceships LOOM over FAMOUS LANDMARKS as many CHARACTERS are introduced]
Randy Quaid: I'm drunk and have kids! Also I was abducted by aliens once! Crop dusting plane!
Jeff Goldblum: I'm Jewish and divorced, but I still love my wife, as evidenced by the fact that I'm still wearing the ring! And I love science!
Judd Hirsch: And I'm his dad!
Will Smith: And I was supposed to be on leave, y'all! Hell naw!
Vivica A. Fox: It's okay, baby. We'll get married someday. For now, just go to your base and I will meet you there with my child, who is not your child, but you love like he was your own. That means you are good.
[meanwhile, in WASHINGTON]
Robert Loggia: We need to evacuate, sir!
Bill Pullman: No. No, I will stay here and stay strong to prove I am a good president.
Robert Loggia: That...doesn't make sense. But ok.
Jeff Goldblum: No, for reals, you need to evacuate. I know because of science. I used science to get here, and I used science to find where my ex-wife was standing.
Bill Pullman: But you are the ex-husband of my secretary of communications or something. How could you know anything?
Jeff Goldblum: Look, I'm sorry we're both so sexy. But you need to listen to me! It's a countdown! And we're about to get blasted!
Bill Pullman: Oh! Your science is correct. Let's go, everyone.
[literally EVERYTHING EXPLODES as AIR FORCE ONE flies out of the EXPLOSION and it is AWESOME]
Vivica A. Fox: I know! I'll hide from the explosion in LA in this boiler room or whatever attached to this tunnel. I hope my dog makes it!
[the dog LEAPS in SLO-MO into the APPARENTLY FIREPROOF CLOSET]
[meanwhile, in the DESERT]
Will Smith: Check out this dolphin ring I got for my girlfriend. It's so 90s.
Harry Connick, Jr: It's DOPE AS HELL. Now let's fight some aliens.
[they DO, and HCJ DIES and Will Smith CRASHES and PUNCHES the alien to prove his BADASSERY]
Will Smith: Aw HELL naw! I gotta be draggin' yo' heavy ass through the desert. This is some bullshit! More Will Smith-like things!!
Randy Quaid: Hey! Need a ride? We're all going to Area 51.
Will Smith: Hell yes!
[EVERYONE is now at Area 51, even DATA from STAR TREK: TNG]
Randy Quaid: Show us the alien craft that landed in the 50s!!
Bill Pullman: Ha ha ha! There is no alien craft!
His Staff: Uh, actually...
[there is TOTALLY an ALIEN CRAFT]
Will Smith: Oh, and...I have an alien that I punched in the face, or face-like area. Want to study it?
Data from TNG: Yes! Let's do surgery on the alien with no military backup or guns in the operating theater whatsoever!
[obviously, the alien WAKES UP and ATTACKS everyone]
Bill Pullman: What do you want us to do??*
Alien, Using Data's Vocal Chords: DIE.*
Bill Pullman: Okay...nuke the bastards.
[they TRY to nuke them, but it FAILS]
Bill Pullman: Shit.
[meanwhile, at the RUINED BASE]
Vivica A. Fox: My street smarts have gotten me this far, but my man is not here! But there are some injured people.
First Lady: Ow, my insides.
Vivica A. Fox: Don't you worry, first lady, I know a lot about taking care of someone with internal bleeding. After all, I am a dancer.
First Lady: Ballet?*
Vivica A. Fox: Exotic.*
Will Smith: That's right, she's a stripper, y'all! A fine, fine stripper.
[meanwhile, at AREA 51]
Jeff Goldblum: I always thought recycling was important, but now I realize that it's not as important as I thought, and now I'm drunk.
Judd Hirsch: Here. Have some wisdom.
Jeff Goldblum: Your wisdom has given me a brainstorm! We'll give the alien computer a virus!
[he PITCHES his plan and everyone thinks it is SWEET]
Will Smith: I'ma drive that spaceship ALL UP IN THERE. Hell yeah. But first I'ma marry you, baby.
Vivica A. Fox: A dolphin ring! How tacky! But I'm a stripper, so it's okay.
Jeff Goldblum: Their new marriage reminds me of my old one.
His Ex-Wife: Now that we are in a crisis, I love you again.
Jeff Goldblum: Well, now it's time for me to save the planet! Ha ha! That is funny because I like recycling!
[they FLY into the MOTHER SHIP, which uses a MAC-COMPATIBLE SYSTEM]
Jeff Goldblum: The virus is working!
Bill Pullman: I will leave behind my child and be a fighter pilot!
Randy Quaid: As will I! Give me some coffee to sober up first, though.
[they BATTLE the ALIENS and it goes PRETTY WELL but then they RUN OUT of MISSILES]
Randy Quaid: It's okay, I have one nuke left, and though it is stuck in my plane, I will kamikaze myself to save everyone!
His Son: Though I am not Keanu Reeves, I am still his son, and I am proud.
[the PLAN works and all the HUMANS are HAPPY even though some people DIED, but not the IMPORTANT ones]

Terminator Salvation

[it is 2003]
Helena Bonham Carter: Please donate your body to science, convicted murderer? PLEEEEEEEASE?!? Everyone deserves a second chance.
Sam Worthington: I don't deserve one, but if you kiss me, I'll do it anyway.
Helena Bonham Carter: Though you are a felon, and I have cancer, let's make out.
[they DO, and he signs a PAPER]
Helena Bonham Carter: You won't regret this. For reals.
[it is 2018]
Christian Bale: Go, humans! Fight Skynet! You are the resistance!
[they have an AWESOME BATTLE and he is the ONLY SURVIVOR]
Christian Bale: Nooooooooooooooo!
Sam Worthington: I'm aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!!! And covered in muuuuuuuuuud!!!
[meanwhile, back in the SUBMARINE that is the HEADQUARTERS of the HUMAN RESISTANCE]
Michael Ironside: So we found out that Skynet has a kill list, and we're all on it. John Connor, you're number 2.
Christian Bale: But who's number 1?
Michael Ironside: I don't know, some civilian named...KYLE REESE.
My Friend Deborah: But! Skynet couldn't possibly know that Kyle Reese is going to travel back in time and impregnate Sarah Connor, thus becoming John Connor's father!
[she PUSHES UP her NERD GLASSES]
Michael Ironside: Oh, and we found this radio frequency that disables the robots, so we're going to attack Skynet in four days so they don't kill us, thus killing, like, a lot of human prisoners.
Christian Bale: Oh, we are, are we? We'll see about that. Let me go talk to my baby mama.
Bryce Dallas Howard: That's me! Women love being pregnant! Do you want to listen to your tapes now?
Linda Hamilton [on tape]: So you have to find your father as a teenage boy and send him back in time to knock me up. Does that all make sense? I hope so, because that conversation is gonna be aaaawk-waaaard!
[meanwhile, SOMEWHERE ELSE]
Sam Worthington: Hmm. I wonder where I am. Everything looks so post-apocalyptic.
[a TERMINATOR tries to KILL him, but SUDDENLY -]
Anton Yelchin: Come with me if you want to live.*
[they go to the OBSERVATORY and listen to the RADIO and hear JOHN CONNOR]
Anton Yelchin: I am drawn to him for some reason. Weird. I guess it could be that I'm actually his father, since I travel through time and meet his mother in what is actually the past, but is in my future, but that seems implausible. Oh well. Let's go see if we can find some other humans. Come on, mute child sidekick.
[they find an OUTPOST that has JANE ALEXANDER in it]
Humans: Go away! This is our food and fuel!
[the MUTE CHILD looks FRIGHTENED because she has SKYNET SPIDEY-SENSE]
Humans: Oh shit! Robots!
[one of the ROBOTS releases MOTORCYCLES from its LEGS and it is SWEET]
Sam Worthington: Gooooooo!
[the HK robot takes the humans PRISONER but LEAVES the FELON and he is CONFUSED]
Christian Bale: Okay, let's test this radio frequency plan we have.
[they DO, and it WORKS, though one would THINK that Skynet would have CLOSED this LOOPHOLE]
Michael Ironside: Hmm. There is a lot of activity in the LA area. Send some fighter pilots to see what's going on. Make sure one of them is a hot, ethnically-ambiguous lady. I mean, the only other woman in this film is pregnant! That's not eye candy!
[the FIGHTERS get DOWNED but the HOT, ETHNICALLY-AMBIGUOUS LADY is fine]
Sam Worthington: We should travel together, because it's safer.
Moon Bloodgood: Okay. I will cuddle up to you for warmth, but not in a sexual way. Okay, in kind of a seuxal way.
[they go through a MINEFIELD with MAGNETIC MINES that STICK to him because HELLO HE IS A PROTOTYPE TERMINATOR]
Sam Worthington: Wha...whaaaa? Where am I?
Christian Bale: Don't you mean what am I, you fucking robot! You're a robot, you fucking robot!
Sam Worthington: No, I'm human!
Christian Bale: Seriously...you are a robot.
Moon Bloodgood: But! I fell in love with him that one time when we cuddled and he didn't rape me, because women love cuddling and not being raped! I'm going to put the entire colony at risk to rescue this man-robot I just met.
[they ESCAPE, though she is a MORON]
Christian Bale: Catch him!
[there is a CHASE SEQUENCE that ends in the RIVER with HYDROBOTS, which are COOL]
Sam Worthington: Um, hello? I'm a robot, so I can totally sneak into Skynet? And help you rescue Kyle Reese, since you're so fucking obsessed with him.
Christian Bale: Fine. I guess I trust you now for some reason.
Michael Ironside: Okay, we're going forward with the plan to destroy Skynet headquarters, even though there are probably more humans inside than there are outside it.
Christian Bale: No way man! I should never have trusted you.
[he gets on his RADIO and tells everyone NOT to ATTACK until he SAYS so and they TRUST him because he is a NATURAL LEADER]
Christian Bale: Okay, I gotta save Kyle now.
Bryce Dallas Howard: But what will I tell your men when they ask where you've gone?
Christian Bale: I'll be back.* OH SNAP! THAT IS A LINE FROM THE OTHER MOVIES. People love familiarity.
[he goes to SKYNET and basically HOTWIRES it to GET IN, which also seems like a HUGE LOOPHOLE but WHATEVER]
Sam Worthington: All right, now I'll just interface with the mainframe of Skynet and get all the answers I need...
Helena Bonham Carter's Disembodied Head: Hello. Here are a bunch of news stories that explain what happened in the 15 years you were in a coma. Also, you were built to do just what you did: lure John Connor here so we can kill both him and Kyle Reese. Suckaaa!
Sam Worthington: Too much...information! So...confusing! Reverting...to...Australian accent!
[he RIPS out the CHIP in his HEAD and it is GROSS but he is NO LONGER a ROBOT]
Christian Bale: Kyle Reese! Where are youuuuu!
Anton Yelchin: I'm here! How do you know me? This is weird! I'm escaping now.
[they have a HUGE BATTLE with a NUDE CGI ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER that involves MOLTEN METAL and FREEZING of SAID METAL, but not before Christian Bale gets RUN THROUGH with a HUGE POLE but somehow DOES NOT DIE]
Christian Bale: Thank you for helping me, robot-man. I will hotwire your heart the way I hotwired Skynet.
[they ESCAPE in a HELICOPTER and Skynet EXPLODES]
Bryce Dallas Howard: I don't think you're going to make it without a new heart, since you got stabbed with that huge fucking pole.
Sam Worthington: You can have mine, it's cool. I wasn't really that into it anyway. Plus, this hot, ethnically-ambiguous lady won't leave me alone.
Moon Bloodgood: Even supposedly-badass fighter women love men!
[they give his HEART to John Connor and he gets HIS SECOND CHANCE to be GOOD]
Christian Bale: So now we just get to hang out and try to figure out this time loop thing wherein Kyle is my father, but I'm the one who sends him back in time. Don't think about it too hard, just enjoy the explosions.

Star Trek

[it is the FUTURE]
Captain of the Kelvin: Hmm. An electrical storm. That's strange. Let's go investigate.
[it turns out to be a TRAP and there is a FUCKING CRAZY Romulan ship there]
Eric Bana: Arrrrrrg!! Romulans have ears like Vulcans but are mean and bald and have face tattoos! And we are PISSSSSSSSSED. Come to our ship, Captain.
Captain of the Kelvin: All right. You're in charge now, George Kirk.
George Kirk: I shall fulfill my duties as captain by evacuating the ship, thus saving the life of most of the crew, and my wife, who is literally in labor currently.
Mrs. Kirk: George! Our baby just got born on the shuttle! Let's name him after your dad, Tiberius.
[the audience CHUCKLES because people TOTALLY KNOW Captain Kirk's MIDDLE NAME because they are NERDS]
George Kirk: No, let's name him after your dad, Jim.
[he EXPLODES but everyone else is SAVED and it is SAD]
Mrs. Kirk: Noooooooo!!
[it is LATER in the FUTURE in IOWA]
Baby Kirk: Yeah!!! I may be only 10, but I'm gonna drive my stepdad's antique car while blasting Beastie Boys so you know I'm a badasssssssss!
[he CRASHES the car into a FUCKING RAVINE and it is SWEET]
Baby Kirk: I'm James Tiberius Kirk...BITCHES.
[it is VULCAN]
Baby Spock: Greetings, Vulcan bullies. I suppose you have some additional insults intended to elicit an emotional response from me.
Vulcan Bullies: Your mom's human, so your dad's a traitor.
Baby Spock: DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOM!!!!!
[he KICKS their ASSES and bleeds GREEN BLOOD]
Winona Ryder: Spock, you need to decide for yourself what you want to do. Listen to your heart. I know you have one, because you are half human.
Zachary Quinto: I will try to balance these two worlds.
Vulcan Council: You are accepted to the science academy! That's kind of a big accomplishment, since you're half human, which basically means you're retarded.
Zachary Quinto: Dissing my mom again? HELL NO. I'm out. I'm going to Starfleet instead.
[back in IOWA in a FUTURE BAR]
Chris Pine: Sup, pretty lady? I'm just a regular joe who happens to live in the town where Starfleet Academy is.
Zoe Saldana: Get lost, townie. You can call me Uhura. Just Uhura. I am also a badass.
Other Starfleet Dudes: Yeah, townie! That leather jacket is SO last century!!
[he gets his ASS KICKED but is STILL a BADASS]
Captain Pike: Come to Starfleet. I know who you are. Your dad was awesome, and you could also be awesome. I DARE YOU.
Chris Pine: Let me pensively ride my motorcycle and think about it.
[he DOES]
Chris Pine: Okay, I'm in.
Karl Urban: Hello, I'm Dr. Leonard McCoy, but I will tell you a story that will allow you to designate me with the nickname "Bones." Also, I may puke on you.
[they go to the ACADEMY and then it is THREE YEARS LATER]
Chris Pine: I will beat this unbeatable test, thus showing that I am a badass.
Zachary Quinto: Who is this guy who beat my test? He must have cheated.
[they have a HEARING or something and TYLER PERRY is there for some reason]
Captain Pike: This just in: the Vulcans are in distress! We're going to send all our cadets there, since the entire rest of Starfleet is otherwise engaged. Good plan, right?
[they all get ASSIGNED places but Kirk is on ACADEMIC PROBATION so Bones SNEAKS him on with MEDICAL KNOWHOW]
Chris Pine: Though I have a black eye and swollen hands, I am still the most attractive man on this ship, and therefore the most qualified to lead you. And also! I think this is a trap.
Everyone: Whaaaaaa?
[it is TOTALLY a TRAP and there are ROMULANS there and a bunch of SHIT happens in SPACE]
Captain Pike: Spock, you're in charge. Kirk, you're first officer, though you basically stowed away on this ship and are constantly flaunting the rules. I'm going to the Romulan ship. brb.
Zoe Saldana: So the Romulans are drilling into the planet with this big flame drill and we can't use our transporter until it's turned off. Basically: this calls for a ground crew.
Chris Pine: I'll go!
John Cho: Me too! Oh, I'm Sulu. I just learned to drive spaceships.
Random Dude in a Literal Red Shirt: Yeah! Let's kick some Romulan ass!
[obviously, he DIES]
Chris Pine: No worries. That will give us a chance to kick more ass.
[they DO, and Sulu does it with a FUCKING COOL SWORD, and then they FALL but are BEAMED BACK just in TIME]
Anton Yelchin: Wictor, wictor.* So basically, what's going on is the Romulans are going to implode Vulcan with some red matter. I hope this news is more palatable in my hilarious Russian accent.
Karl Urban: Dammit, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!* Explain it to me more simply, but keep the accent.
Zachary Quinto: I must save the Vulcan elders! brb.
[he saves his DAD and some other ELDERS, but his mom DIES and it is SAD]
Zoe Saldana: Sorry your mom died. Wanna make out?
Zachary Quinto: I was going to say that's illogical, but then I realized you're mad hot. Totes logical.[they MAKE OUT in the ELEVATOR]
Chris Pine: I am way more equipped to lead this ship than you!! Look at me! Even after a space battle, I am still crazy hot!
Zachary Quinto: I am totally just as hot as you are, I just have a weird haircut. I'm abandoning you for mutiny. We're going to go save Earth from the Romulans.
[Kirk wakes up on the STAR TREK VERSION OF HOTH and gets CHASED by some MONSTERS into a CAVE and it is EXCITING]
Leonard Nimoy: Oh. Sup, Kirk.
Chris Pine: Buhhhhh? Who are you? How do you know me?
Leonard Nimoy: I could tell you, but the Vulcan mind meld is totally more efficient.
[he MELDS to his MIND and EXPLAINS how he is SPOCK, but from the FUTURE and we are in an ALTERNATE STAR TREK UNIVERSE]
J.J. Abrams: That's right, nerds. I can do whatever the fuck I want, because it's parallel, bitches.
Leonard Nimoy: Don't mention any of this to now-Spock, though.
Chris Pine: Aw man! He already hates me! I guess it will be easier for me to enrage him to show that he is emotionally compromised on this mission and I need to take over control of the ship.
Leonard Nimoy: Talk about our mom. We hate that.
[they go to an OUTPOST and find SCOTTY, who is HILARIOUS]
Simon Pegg: I'm Scottish and humorous! Let's beam up now.
[they BEAM to the ship using a FUTURE EQUATION that Old Spock told them]
Chris Pine: You never loved your mom, did you?
Zachary Quinto: NEVER TALK ABOUT MY MOM!!!!
[they FIGHT and almost BREAK the SHIP but Kirk WINS]
Anton Yelchin: We'll go behind Saturn and find the Romulan ship and take them out.
[Kirk and Spock go ON BOARD and RESCUE the CAPTAIN and STEAL the OLD SPOCK'S SHIP with the RED MATTER, all while KICKING ASS]
Chris Pine: Okay, now that we're beamed back on the Enterprise, we can offer you some assistance, Romulans.
Eric Bana: No, I would rather die in agony than accept your help.
Chris Pine: You got it.*
[the Romulans EXPLODE EVERYWHERE and it RULES]
Chris Pine: Yay! We won! Oh wait, we're getting sucked into a black hole.
Simon Pegg: It's cool, I got this.
[he EXPLODES some more shit to DRIVE them AWAY from the black hole]
Everyone: Sweet!
[they go back HOME and are all READY for more ADVENTURES]

Invasion of the Bee Girls

I was going to wait until tomorrow to publish this, but I can't withhold this kind of awesome from you any longer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
No-Tell Motel Staff: Oh no! A corpse! A corpse in our seedy, seedy motel!
Investigators: This dead man is a scientist. A government scientist. This could somehow be related...to his science. Better call in the Feds.
Federal Investigator: I'm here to look dashing and investigate this crime. Who was last seen with this married man? His secretary?
Hot Science Administrator: No, actually, I'm the head of the department.
Federal Investigator: A woman? In a position of power? My manhood is both threatened and tingly. So, tell me what happened that night.
Hot Science Administrator: Nothing, okay? NOTHING. [pause] Okay, we balled, and we balled, and we balled, until he dropped dead.*
Federal Investigator: Interesting. And hot.
[meanwhile, in the FOREST]
Nude Woman: Hey! I'm just riding my dirt bike - nude!
Nude Man: Awesome! Let's roll slowly down this hill and fuck!
[they DO, and he BITES it]
Nude Woman: Hahahahaha!!!
[like FOUR MORE DUDES die of SEXUAL EXHAUSTION and they call a TOWN MEETING]
Dr. Murder:* So we're not sure what's causing this epidemic, but we're pretty sure the solution is complete sexual abstinence.
Townspeople: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU MUST BE JOKING.
Dr. Murder: No, for real, you guys. I have a theory, but it's so crazy, so insane - I can't tell it!
[meanwhile, in a TASTEFULLY-APPOINTED home]
Husband: Well, complete sexual abstinence isn't going to be anything new around HERE.*
Wife: [looks DOUR and BORING]
Federal Investigator: We need to talk to that Dr. Murder and find out what this "crazy idea" he has is.
[they try to MEET him, but instead see him get RUN OVER by a MYSTERIOUS CAR]
Hot Science Administrator: What could be happening? Let's go to his house and find out.
[they find a GAY SEX DUNGEON at his house, with many shots of WHIPS and CHAINS because gays are KINKY]
Federal Investigator: WHAAAAA?
[meanwhile, at the LAB]
Herb Klein: Boy, science is great, but my wife is so lame.
Hot Entomologist: Maybe we should have dinner. But I'll never take off my sunglasses. Ever. They are the hugest sunglasses in the world.
[they have DINNER and she FLIRTS with him and he CANNOT RESIST because men are HORNY]
Hot Entomologist: Now I will strip for you to classical music. But then I will kill you with my compound eyes!!! Now you know why I wear the sunglasses!!
[she KILLS him with her SEXY BEE POWERS]
Hot Entomologist: Now to add a new bee girl to our arsenal!
[she takes MRS. KLEIN to her LAB, where she and five other women in SEXY LAB COATS slather ROYAL JELLY all over her NAKED BODY, including her BREASTS, which are REAL, and FEATURED HEAVILY]
Hot Entomologist: Yes!! Yes!! She is emerging from the radioactive chamber that makes her into a bee girl! You can tell by her compound eyes! Ladies, expose your bosoms!
[all the assistants RIP OPEN their sexy lab coats and just RUB their own BREASTS]
Hot Entomologist: Now, we'll all make out.
[meanwhile, in an ACTUAL lab]
Federal Investigator: Look! I found a flimsy explanation for what's going on in this science book! That hot entomologist was combining bee DNA with human DNA, and also they are radioactive for some reason! And that gay dude got run over because he was immune to the charms of the killer bee girls!
Hot Science Administrator: It all makes sense! I guess!
[meanwhile, at the SAME or maybe a DIFFERENT tastefully-appointed HOME]
Wife: I'm sorry I've been a sexual bore.*
[she takes off her TOP in an UNSEXY manner, but then takes off her STOCKINGS in a SEXY manner]
Husband: No! You're a bee girl! Get away from me!
[he STRANGLES her with her OWN STOCKINGS, though she is NOT a bee girl because she is NOT wearing SUNGLASSES]
Hot Science Administrator: We need to solve this thing - and fast!
[they bring a GEIGER COUNTER to the FUNERAL of Herb Klein and DEDUCE that the SUNGLASS-WEARING women are BEE GIRLS]
Hot Entomologist: We are found out! We must eliminate everyone else who knows about this!
[she and her SEXY ASSISTANTS try to transform the Hot Science Administrator into a BEE GIRL, but the Federal Investigator SAVES her and BLOWS UP the lab]
Federal Investigator: Good thing that's all over. Let's make out now.
[as they do, we see a BEE resting on a FLOWER as "Thus Spake Zarathustra" plays DRAMATICALLY]

*this guy's name is actually "Dr. Murger," but Steph and I heard "murder" pretty much every time anyone said it. Bonus hilarity!

Heartbeeps

[it is THE FUTURE, but the 1981 VERSION]
CrimeBuster Robot: CrimeBuster always gets his man!
[it DRIVES around for a while]
Randy Quaid: These robots is malfunctionin'! Let's put 'em on a shelf!
Robot Andy Kaufman: Inquiry: Function?
Robot Bernadette Peters: Response: AquaBot 2000. I am programmed to engage in light conversation.
Robot Andy Kaufman: I am ValetBot. You may refer to me as Val. I am a valet series robot, programmed to store knowledge about stocks and investments, with particular regard to lumber. I would like to know more about those trees in the distance for my knowledge base.
Robot Bernadette Peters: Affirmative. We shall investigate. And we shall take this broken CatskilBot with us.
Catskil: Take my wife! Please!
[they LEAVE the factory and no one NOTICES until LATER]
Randy Quaid: Shit! We're going to get fired!
[they LOOK for the ROBOTS for, like, EVER, including SOMETIMES in a HELICOPTER with a SASSY LADY PILOT]
Robot Andy Kaufman: Let us build a small robot to carry spare parts.
Robot Bernadette Peters: Yes. We shall program it together.
[they BUILD one, and treat it like their BABY, which is WEIRD]
Catskil: [more BORSCHT BELT jokes]
CrimeBuster: CrimeBuster always gets his man!
[it DRIVES around some MORE]
Robot Bernadette Peters: Perhaps we can find some more parts in this junkyard. We are running low on power.
Christopher Guest: Hi there! Welcome to our junkyard. We have a pet raccoon.
[the robots LEAVE because they have FREE WILL or something]
Robot Bernadette Peters: My battery is wearing out. And so is our child-robot's.
[Catskil REMOVES his BATTERY and gives it to the BABY because ROBOTS have FEELINGS and CARE about OTHER ROBOTS]
Catskil: [sad TRUMPET sound]
Robot Andy Kaufman: We're not going to make it. I hope the last thing they circuit-wash from my memory...are my memories of you.*
[they both POWER DOWN and it is SAD(?)]
Randy Quaid: We found them! Our jobs are safe. Toss me another one of those Coors in a bag like Capri-Sun, because in the future, beer comes in bags.
[WEEKS LATER]
Sassy Lady Chopper Pilot: Hey, whatever happened to those robots?
Randy Quaid: We had to junk them :(
[back at the JUNKYARD]
Robot Andy Kaufman: Now we are happy!
Robot Bernadette Peters: And we made another baby robot! Because robots have families.
Christopher Guest: Hooray!
Everyone: WTF

Deep Impact

[it is VIRGINA]
Elijah Wood: Look! A heavenly body I don't recognize! What could it be? I will ask my friend, the professor of astronomy in Arizona.
Professor: WHAAAAAA?!?!? This is momentous! But the server is down!! Nooooo! I must drive in a fast and erratic manner to deliver this news to the world.
[he LABELS the unknown HEAVENLY BODY and drives SO FAST to TELL SOMEONE that he HITS a TRUCK and DIES]
[meanwhile, in WASHINGTON DC]
Tea Leoni: Can't you give me an interesting story for once? Why do I have to cover this stupid Treasury Secretary resignation? I have enough problems as it is, with my mom Vanessa Redgrave all depressed because my dad left her for a younger woman.
Vanessa Redgrave: [drunkenly] Hear, hear!
That One Doctor on ER Who Had Crutches and Was a Lesbian: Nope, sorry. I'll give you a better story next time.
[Tea Leoni DIGS because she is a REPORTER and wants the TRUTH, and she gets a LEAD]
Tea Leoni: We know all about your resignation! I am going to phrase my knowledge in a vague way, so you think I know what I'm talking about!
James Cromwell: Look, it doesn't even matter now. I just want to be with my family. Congratulations on the biggest story in history. I will also talk in a vague way.
Tea Leoni: Wow, what an arrogant jerk - his affair, the biggest story in history?
[she gets RUN off the ROAD by SCARY CARS]
FBI Agents: Come on. Someone wants to talk to you.
Morgan Freeman: Hello. We heard you had some information. I will also not divulge any additional information to keep you confused as long as possible.
Tea Leoni:The president's black? This really is a liberal Hollywood movie.
[she uses ALTAVISTA to search for INFORMATION and since the internet is BRAND NEW, only ONE RESULT is returned]
Tea Leoni: Extinction level event?! Noooooo!! All the vague talking confused me!
[they have a PRESS CONFERENCE and Morgan Freeman is PRESIDENTIAL]
Lesbian Crutches: Hey! How come you get to be in front, Tea Leoni?
Tea Leoni: Because I stumbled on to the story. Sucka!
[meanwhile, in VIRGINIA again]
Townspeople: The comet that is going to destroy earth is named after you! Awesome!
Elijah Wood: Yeah! It's pretty cool! Future generations will know me as...oh wait. There won't be any future generations.
Some Random: You're going to have more sex than anyone!*
Leelee Sobieski: Yeah you are!! From me! Heyyyyy!
[meanwhile, at NASA]
The Dad from That 70s Show: Ready, team?
Robert Duvall: You whippersnappers don't know the first thing about landing on a planetary object! I better come with you on this mission to destroy the comet hurtling towards earth.
Blair Underwood: Token black dude, reporting for service.
Mary McCormack: Token woman, also reporting for service.
Jon Favreau: Guy Who Will Die in a Gas Blast, reporting for service.
Russian: Token foreigner, reporting for service.
Robert Duvall: Great. Now, keep your eye on that huge Sunrise Countdown Clock, because once the sun hits the surface of the comet, the gas jets on the comet will activate. Because that is a thing that happens.
[they go to the COMET and a bunch of SHIT happens and they FAIL]
The Dad from That 70s Show: Not only did they not destroy the comet, but they broke it into two pieces, a little one and a big one! AND the ship is lost! Sheesh! So inept!
Morgan Freeman: So, we kind of thought that might happen, so we're going to shoot missiles at the comets when they get close enough. Also, we've been preparing a system of caves in the soft limestone of Missouri, in which we'll put one million people, randomly chosen by social security number. There is no way that anyone could be concerned about this system, since computers are unhackable and infallible. Oh, and we're pre-selecting some important people, too.
Elijah Wood's Family: We got pre-selected!
Leelee Sobieski's Family: We didn't. :(
Elijah Wood: Let's get married! Then we'll all get in!
[meanwhile, on the NEWS]
Tea Leoni: This is me, reporting to you, about everything. Trust me. I am the news. So, since that other plan failed, here come the missiles!
Morgan Freeman: Those failed too. The world is ending. Everyone to the caves! Well, everyone who was picked. The rest of you: suck it.
[Leelee Sobieski's family is NOT on the list, and she REFUSES to go without her PARENTS and FREAKISHLY YOUNG baby brother]
Vanessa Redgrave: Well, I guess I'll get all dressed up...and kill myself.
[she DOES]
Tea Leoni's Dad: Sorry I was an asshole for my whole life. Here are some pictures from when you were little.
Tea Leoni: I don't forgive you!!
[she GAZES at the PHOTOS, which apparently CHANGE her MIND]
Tea Leoni: Wait, I do! I want to die in a huge tidal wave! Lesbian Crutches, take my place on this helicopter to safety.
[she goes to MAINE and he is THERE and they get THRASHED by a WAVE caused by the LITTLE PIECE of COMET crashing into the ATLANTIC]
Elijah Wood: I can't live without my teen bride!
[he takes a MOTORBIKE to go SAVE her and her BABY BROTHER, and they make it to HIGH GROUND, though her PARENTS die]
Crew of the Ship: Hey! We have a chance to save earth! But we'll die in the process. Let's do it!!
Houston: We brought your families here to say goodbye. Except you, Russian. You can suck it.
Me: [crying ACTUAL TEARS]
[they DRIVE the ship INTO a FISSURE and EXPLODE the BIG COMET into MILLIONS of PIECES]
Earth: Hooray! Even though the megatsunami killed millions, the bigger comet won't black out the sun! We can survive!
Morgan Freeman: [presidential THINGS]

The Long Kiss Goodnight

[it is a SMALL TOWN]
Geena Davis: So, I don't remember anything about my life before eight years ago. I woke up pregnant and had a kid, and now I have a great life.
Her Daughter: Yay! My mommy is nice!
[she RIDES in the CHRISTMAS PARADE as Mrs. Claus]
Geena Davis: But sometimes I wonder about my past life. So I keep a private investigator on retainer.
Samuel L. Jackson: Yeah she does! That's me!
[he has a MEAN ex-wife]
Geena Davis: Hey! I can chop vegetables really fast! Maybe I'm a chef!!
[she THROWS the KNIFE into a WALL]
Her Boyfriend: Uh...
Geena Davis: Chefs do that.*
[she goes ICE SKATING with her DAUGHTER, who FALLS]
Geena Davis: Get up. Life is pain...you just get used to it.*
Her Daughter: Now my mommy is mean!
[the CHRISTMAS PARADE is TELEVISED]
Some Inmate: Oh my god! I know her! She's supposed to be dead!
[he FINDS her and tries to KILL her but she FIGHTS him and WINS]
Geena Davis: I better figure this out.
[she and Samuel L. Jackson FIND some INFORMATION and go LOOKING for her PAST, but leaves her CHARM BRACELET with her DAUGHTER]
Brian Cox: You're a government operative! You're supposed to be dead! Meet me at the train station.
[they get AMBUSHED at the TRAIN STATION and there is a FUCKING HUGE shootout and they JUMP out of a WINDOW to get away from a GRENADE and it is AWESOME]
Geena Davis: Now we don't trust you, Brian Cox!
Brian Cox: But I'm a good guy!
[they go to an ADDRESS and it turns out to be one of her FORMER TARGETS]
David Morse: Am I a good guy? Of course not. I am actually unable to play anyone good, ever.
[he TIES her up UNDERWATER but she gets a GUN from a CORPSE and SHOOTS him and it RULES]
Geena Davis: Now I have fully embraced my past personality. I shall dye my hair and start doing my eyes in a dramatic smoky look to indicate this.
[she tries to HIT ON Samuel L. Jackson]
Samuel L. Jackson: Um, not that you're not mad fine...but this isn't like you.
Geena Davis: Yes it is!! I am an assassin! And I have money and passports stashed in a safe deposit box. The key is on my charm bracelet.
[they GO BACK to the SMALL TOWN to get the BRACELET and she has a MOMENT of PAUSE when she sees her LITTLE GIRL]
Geena Davis: Whatevs. Let's get out of here.
Craig Bierko: Seriously, guys...we have to kill her. She can't know that the people she was working for are now working for us...or something.
[he KIDNAPS the DAUGHTER and takes her to the WOODS]
Geena Davis: I have to get my daughter back! And stop the evil plan!
Craig Bierko: You can try...but first I will lock you and your little girl in this walk-in freezer to try to kill you.
Geena Davis: You will die. Screaming.*
[she digs a HOLE under the DOOR and puts GASOLINE in it that she SMUGGLED in her daughter's BABY DOLL and EXPLODES the DOOR and basically the WHOLE bad guy COMPOUND]
Craig Bierko: Oh no you don't!!
[they have a BATTLE and he literally DIES SCREAMING]
Samuel L. Jackson: I'm not dead yet!
Geena Davis: Hooray! Now we're rich with my stashed money! And somehow it's cool that I know a lot of government information and stayed alive!
[she plays with her FAMILY, but still THROWS KNIVES]