A Place in the Sun

This movie is legit incredible. It's all sad and sexy and chock-full of insightful social commentary. My one quibble is that I kind of think that if you're making a movie about someone trying to social-climb and encountering true obstacles, you shouldn't cast someone who is this hot. Hot people can do whatever they want! Is anyone ever going to keep a hottie from attending a party because they have cheap shoes or something? BEAUTY IS CURRENCY, GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

***

[it is the REPRESSED 1950s. Montgomery Clift HITCHHIKES as the camera ZOOMS IN on his hot, troubled face]

Montgomery Clift: How I wish I could get in that beautiful car with that beautiful woman, who is speeding away from me. 

[he instead GETS a LIFT in a truck CONTAINING live chickens]

Montgomery Clift: Hello. I'm here to see my uncle, the owner of this swimsuit company. 

His Uncle: Ah yes! Come to my house tonight, my boy, and we'll discuss your future! 

His Aunt: Are you SURE you want to give him a job, darling? He's so poor and his mother was so RELIGIOUS. How vulgar!

[Montgomery Clift ARRIVES in a cheap suit and is ASHAMED but he's SUPER hot so who CARES?]  

His Uncle: You're family and we take care of family down at Bikini, Inc. My son will give you a job worthy of your station.

[Elizabeth Taylor ENTERS and is BREATHTAKING and VIVACIOUS]

Elizabeth Taylor: Tra la! Come on everyone, time to go to a rich-person party!

[literally everyone LEAVES and Monty is not INVITED]

Montgomery Clift: I will say nothing but my face will show a thousand feelings.

[it is the FACTORY]

Monty's Cousin: So the girls place swimsuits into boxes and you stack them. Sometimes you'll put them on a cart. Easy enough for you, dumdum?

[it is NOT at first but he GETS better at the EASIEST job in the WORLD as Factory Girl Shelley Winters GAZES at him]

Montgomery Clift: Well, well, well. Fancy running into you at this movie theater. Guess what, I'm walking you home.

Shelley Winters: I suppose I don't really have a choice in the matter, but OK. You just can't come inside. 

Montgomery Clift: Guess what, I'm coming inside.

[he TURNS UP the radio and the camera PANS away to INDICATE that they are DOING IT and honestly, I'm not SEEING a lot of ENTHUSIASTIC consent here]

[time PASSES, INDICATED by FLYING calendar pages]

Monty's Uncle: My boy, what are you doing on the line? This won't do! Go work in the office. And come to a ball at my house while you're at it. 

[he GOES to the ball but FEELS rebuked by society so he PLAYS pool and Elizabeth Taylor HAPPENS UPON him]

Elizabeth Taylor: Gosh, you sure are a swell player. I'm just going to stand here with my perfect body and face, to make you even more nervous. 

Montgomery Clift: I know I'm just sexy gutter trash, even in a tux, but will you dance with me? 

Elizabeth Taylor: And how!

[they DANCE all night long]

Shelley Winters: Where were you? With all those pretty society girls? 

Montgomery Clift: [extremely UNCONVINCINGLY] No way, sugar, you're the only one for me. 

[he GOES to another ball and DANCES with Elizabeth Taylor and it is SENSUAL]

Montgomery Clift: I love you. If I could only tell you how much I love you.* 

Elizabeth Taylor: Tell Mama. Tell Mama all.*

Montgomery Clift: Did you just call yourself "Mama?" 

[they KISS and it's too much BEAUTY for my eyes to BEHOLD]

Montgomery Clift: This is fucking awesome.

Shelley Winters: I have to tell you something and since we had sex in the 50s, obviously you know what it is. 

[she WEEPS]

Montgomery Clift: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[he TAKES her to the ABORTION doctor and she TELLS a series of ESCALATING lies]

The Doctor: I'm sorry but there's nothing I will do, because the past sucks.

[she WEEPS and it is truly HEARTBREAKING]

Shelley Winters: I guess we'll just have to get married.

Montgomery Clift: [SHITS a brick]

Elizabeth Taylor: Come and visit me at my family's gorgeous lake house!

[they FROLIC and are beautiful and she TELLS him about a DROWNING that I'm sure WON'T be IMPORTANT to the PLOT later]

Shelley Winters: I feel abandoned! Where could he be?

[she SEES a photo of Monty in the SOCIETY pages, DRIVING a SPEEDBOAT and LOVING life]

Shelley Winters: I'm at the lake bus station, you liar. You have to marry me, RIGHT NOW or I'll tell the papers, which was apparently a real threat in the 50s!

Montgomery Clift: GULP. 

[he TELLS more LIES to Elizabeth Taylor, who is TROUBLED]

Montgomery Clift: Aw shucks, the registrar is closed for the holiday. What say we take a refreshing boat ride on Lake Murder? 

Shelley Winters: OK I guess, though I don't know how to swim as I mentioned earlier in the movie. 

[he RENTS the BOAT with a FAKE name and they DRIFT in the water OMINOUSLY as it GETS DARK]

Shelley Winters: I know you don't really want to marry me, but we'll have a small, inconsequential life together filled with lots of factory work and children and no speedboats. It'll be fine!

Montgomery Clift: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

[she STANDS up in the BOAT because of her FEELINGS and they FALL into the WATER]

Montgomery Clift: Here I am back at the vacation house, nothing to see here, I definitely haven't been fully clothed in a lake anytime recently.

[he is a SWEATY mess of PTSD with no CHILL] 

Elizabeth Taylor's Dad: Well, my daughter likes you so I suppose you can marry her, even though you're still kind of trashy.

Montgomery Clift: GREAT SOUNDS GOOD, NOTHING CAN GET IN THE WAY OF THAT.

[meanwhile, Shelley Winters' BODY is FLOATING in the LAKE]

A Detective: Hmmm. I know that this poor young woman wasn't on the boat by herself, and we can't find another body. Obviously this is a murder.

[they FIND the SMOKING GUN speedboat pic in Shelley's house and almost INSTANTLY arrest a SWEATING Monty and there is a TRIAL]

Montgomery Clift: I didn't kill her! I think? I mean it wasn't on purpose! Was it? I don't even know!

The Prosecutor: We know you did it. Now get into this canoe we've brought into the courtroom and show us what happened! 

[Monty FALLS OUT of the courtroom CANOE which somehow PROVES his GUILT]

The Judge: I sentence you to death in the electric chair.

Elizabeth Taylor: I will always love you, and also be scarred by this experience forevermore.  

A Priest: Confess your sins, my son.

Montgomery Clift: TBH, I didn't kill Shelley but I also didn't try to save her because I kind of hated her.

A Priest: Then you had murder in your heart which I guess is the same as actual murder.

Montgomery Clift: Yeah.

[he WALKS slowly to his DEATH and his face is both totally EXPRESSIONLESS and also CONTAINS every EMOTION that has ever EXISTED]

*actual line from movie

Rebecca (1940)

 

COVID hasn't quite driven me to watch the Netflix version of this movie yet. All I know is that Armie Hammer wears an enormous mustard-colored suit, which is really all I need to hear. Maxim de Winter would NEVER. 

Perhaps Laurence Olivier wore a mustard suit in this version as well, but we'll never know. His suits are just another mystery of this very mysterious film. 

** 

[we OPEN on a BURNED-OUT shell of a MANSION, which is DEFINITELY not a SPOILER]

Joan Fontaine VO: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.* 

[FLASHBACK to Laurence Oliver TEETERING over a ROCKY CLIFF, Winslet-style]

Joan Fontaine: No, please! Don’t do it! 

Laurence Olivier: Who are you? I was having a dramatic moment! 

[she RUNS AWAY and meets up with her Dowager Boss at their FANCY hotel]

Dowager Boss: I’m paying you to be my companion, not climb around on cliffs! Ugh, I hate you. 

Joan Fontaine: It’s OK, I hate me too, for I am the meekest, most self-loathing wet blanket in cinema history. 

Laurence Olivier: Now I am in a tuxedo and feeling all better. And who might you be? 

Joan Fontaine: Oh my, I don't have a name! I don't deserve one. 

Laurence Olivier: Now that we are alone, I must thank you for interrupting my suicide. As a reward I will speak faster than the Micro Machines guy and take you on dates against your will. 

Joan Fontaine: <3

[the Dowager ABRUPTLY decides they have to LEAVE and Joan Fontaine is HEARTBROKEN]

Joan Fontaine: I’m sorry to disturb you while you’re in the shower, but I am going away forever.

Laurence Olivier: Well that won’t do. Why don’t you stay with me?

Joan Fontaine: Do you need a secretary or something?*

Laurence Olivier: I’m asking you to marry me, you little fool.* 

[OBVIOUSLY she cannot RESIST this AMAZING proposal and they are MARRIED]

Dowager Boss: HA! Good luck living up to his first wife, whose death destroyed him. She had a first name. It was...REBECCA.

Joan Fontaine: REBECCA.

[they GO to Manderley, his IMPOSING mansion]

Mrs. Danvers: WELCOME TO THE HOUSE, MADAM. I SHALL BE RUNNING THINGS AS I RAN THEM FOR THE FIRST MRS. DE WINTER.

[she is ICE-COLD and Joan Fontaine is INTIMIDATED but then again, she is INTIMIDATED by literally EVERYTHING]

Mrs. Danvers: I HOPE YOU WILL BE COMFORTABLE IN THIS ROOM. THIS OF COURSE WAS NOT HER ROOM, HER ROOM WAS BETTER. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO IN THAT ROOM.

[Joan Fontaine BREAKS a statue and HIDES the pieces in TERROR even though its TECHNICALLY HER statue now**]

Joan Fontaine: Let’s go for a walk by the sea, darling! Oh no, the dog ran away! I’ll fetch him!

Laurence Olivier: No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[she FOLLOWS the DOG to a CREEPY SHED and is UNSETTLED]

Laurence Olivier: DID YOU GO TO THE SHED

Joan Fontaine: Why are you so angry? What have I done? Why am I such a sentient trash bag?

[he APOLOGIZES like a CLASSIC ABUSER]

Joan Fontaine: I am mysteriously drawn to Rebecca. Perhaps I shall check out the West Wing.

Mrs. Danvers: HELLO. I WAS JUST LURKING BY THE DOOR, AS ONE DOES. I KNEW YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE HER ROOM.

[the ROOM is OPULENT and LITERALLY everything is MONOGRAMMED with an “R” like, we GET IT, Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: LOOK AT HOW SEXY HER NIGHTIE WAS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TOUCH IT? IN ITS SEXY PARTS?

[she FONDLES the NIGHTIE]

Mrs. Danvers: DO YOU THINK THE DEAD WATCH OVER THE LIVING?* I BET SHE WATCHES YOU FUCK AND THINKS YOU’RE BAD AT IT.

Joan Fontaine: Why must you torture me?!

[she PULLS it together, KIND OF, and PLANS a COSTUME BALL to PROVE that she is as FUN as Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: I SUGGEST THAT YOU WEAR THIS TOTALLY ORIGINAL COSTUME THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS EVER WORN AND LOOKED AMAZING IN BEFORE, CERTAINLY NO ONE WHOSE NAMED STARTED WITH AN “R.”

Joan Fontaine: For some reason, I trust you now. Surprise, darling! Look at my costume!

Laurence Olivier: TAKE IT OFF!

Joan Fontaine: You monster! Why do you hate me so?

Mrs. Danvers: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KILL YOURSELF.

[she BECKONS Joan Fontaine to an OPEN WINDOW, but before she can PLUMMET to her DEATH, a boat WASHES up on shore CONTAINING a Rebecca CORPSE]

Joan Fontaine: Darling? Why are you hiding in the creepy shack? This must be so terrible for you. Oh, I know that I can’t measure up to the way you loved her.

Laurence Olivier: You think I loved Rebecca? I hated her!*

Joan Fontaine: Wuhhhh?

Laurence Olivier: Yes. She was a big jerk who loved to party and sleep with her cousins and have abortions. She told me right in this very spot that I could never get away from her, and OH HOW SHE LAUGHED.* And then she fell and banged her head and died and honestly, it was pretty convenient. I put her body in a sailboat and that’s that.

Joan Fontaine: Oh darling, I believe every word of this story!

[there is an INQUEST cause Larry MISIDENTIFIED a different CORPSE that he KNEW wasn’t Rebecca]

Rebecca’s Cousin/Lover: Someone drilled holes in the boat! He’s a murderer!

Laurence Olivier: No! We have to see her doctor!

[they GO TO Rebecca's DOCTOR for some REASON and LEARN that she had INCURABLE CANCER]

The Judge: Well, I guess she just killed herself in the most elaborate way possible. Nothing more to see here!

Everyone: Hooray!

[Laurence Olivier DRIVES home and SEES that Manderley is AFLAME]

Joan Fontaine: It’s Mrs. Danvers! She’s gone mad!

[we SEE Mrs. Danvers FLAIL in the WEST WING as it BURNS because she is a DEVOTED SERVANT and DEFINITELY not BECAUSE she was GAY FOR Rebecca]

*actual line from movie 

**TBH, I would do this too

The Skin I Live In

[it is TOLEDO 2012]
Vera: I do my yoga. I wear a bodysuit. I make folk art. I am very beautiful. But I am a prisoner. Or maybe I am crazy? No one is sure yet.
Marilia: Si. Here is some food in the dumbwaiter for you, since I cannot enter your room.
[it is a MEDICAL CONFERENCE]
Antonio Banderas: I made some super skin and also I am super sexy! Okay, but seriously, this skin is crazy. It can't be burned, and it's impenetrable to mosquitoes.
Colleague: Hold on...how did you test this skin?
Antonio Banderas: On...uh...mice.
[meanwhile, at his GORGEOUS COMPOUND]
Antonio Banderas: Can you feel this blowtorch?
Vera: No.
[she CUTS herself with PAPER because she is not allowed ANYTHING SHARP]
Antonio Banderas: Your skin is so soft.* Now I will repair you again, to be so, so beautiful.
Marilia: You know she looks just like your dead wife, right?
Antonio Banderas: Uh...no she doesn't.
[there are MANY SHOTS of BEAUTY]
Antonio Banderas: Fire all the servants. It's just you now, Marilia. BRB.
A Man Dressed as a Tiger: Let me in! I'm your son! It's Carnevale, so it's okay that I'm dressed as a tiger.
[he shows his BUTT MOLE to prove it]
Marilia: Oh, my little tiger!*
[she LETS HIM IN]
Zeca, the Tiger: Hey mom. I'm back. Can I just hang out here for a while? No reason.
Conveniently-Placed News Report: Security cameras captured footage of the jewelry heist earlier today.
[it is ZECA, robbin' shit]
Zeca: Aw jeez. Now I have to tie you up so you don't call the cops.
[he sees VERA on the SECURITY TV and LICKS her image and it is REAL CREEPY]
Zeca: Where is she! Where is the key to that room with that beautiful woman in it!?
[he FINDS her and they FIGHT but then he KISSES her]
Zeca: I thought you were dead! When I left, you were on fire!!
Vera: Uh....
Zeca: Okay, well, let's have sex.
Vera: Uh...........
[he RAPES her but Antonio Banderas gets home JUST IN TIME and fucking SHOOTS him]
Marilia: There's a LOT of blood here. These stains will never come out!!
Vera: So, uh, what was that about?
Marilia: Okay, so I know up to this point everything has been very subtle and slightly confusing but in that nice "you figure it out" kind of way? Well, let's leave that to the side for a moment and just straight EXPOSIT some shit. First of all: you look like the dead wife, who had an affair with and also ran away with my son Zeca. Also, Antonio Banderas is my son, but he doesn't know it. Also, his wife was burned in a car crash trying to run off with Zeca. Also, the wife killed herself in front of her daughter (they had a daughter), who also killed herself.
Vera: Whoa.
Marilia: I know.
Antonio Banderas: So...do you want to sleep with me tonight?
Vera: Okay.
[SIX YEARS EARLIER, in a VINTAGE STORE]
Vincente: I'm going to a wedding, you want to come? You should try this dress on.
Cristina: No! And I won't wear that dress. And also I am a lesbian.
Vincente: Maaaaaan! I can't get no play!
Vincente's Mom: Oh, Vincente! Stop pestering the lesbian!
Vincente: Fine, I'm out!
[the wedding is FANCY and SUMPTUOUS and BEAUTIFULLY SHOT]
Antonio Banderas: My daughter seems to be doing all right, even though they let her out of the loony bin to come to this wedding.
Norma: Ha ha! I'm not crazy! NOT CRAZY AT ALL.
Vincente: Who is that not-crazy girl over there? She fine.
[they go for a WALK in the WOODS]
Vincente: I am SUPER HIGH right now. Let's have sex!
[he CLIMBS around ON TOP of her]
Norma: Uhhhhh...
[she hears the SONG that she was SINGING when she saw her mother FALL to her DEATH]
Norma: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MY MEMORIES!!!!!!
Vincente: Shit! This girl is now crazy. I better run!
Antonio Banderas: Mija! What happened?!
Norma: AAAAAAHHHH RAPIST!!!!
[she goes back to the CRAZY PEN]
Antonio Banderas: Are you okay?
[she WAILS and goes in the CLOSET]
Doctor: She thinks you raped her. You should probably stop coming to see her.
[she KILLS herself]
Antonio Banderas: She is dead because that kid at the wedding raped her. VENDETTA TIME.
Vincente: La, la, la, drivin' my scooter...hey!
[there is a SCARY VAN trying to RUN HIM off the ROAD]
Antonio Banderas in a Creepy Mask: Sedatives! BOOM. NOW YOU ARE KIDNAPPED.
[he LOCKS him in a CAVE]
Vincente: What is happening? Why am I in a cave?? What the hell???
Antonio Banderas: Here's some water, but no explanations.
[he keeps him CAPTIVE for a while, then CHLOROFORMS him]
Antonio Banderas: Hey, doctor friends. We have a secret surgery to do.
Colleague: Huh. Seems like a weird procedure.
Antonio Banderas: He knows exactly what he wants.*
[they OPERATE on him in the SECRET OPERATING ROOM]
Vincente: What...what happened?
Antonio Banderas: Oh, you have a vagina now.
Vincente: Wait...what?
Antonio Banderas: YA BURNT. DON'T RAPE PEOPLE'S DAUGHTERS.
Vincente: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiit.
[Antonio Banderas performs MANY EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURES on him until he looks like THE DEAD WIFE]
Antonio Banderas: I can't keep calling you Vincente. You are too beautiful. I will call you Vera, a name FILLED WITH MEANING.
Vera: Well, I want to die.
[she SLITS her own THROAT]
Antonio Banderas: You can never get away from me. Look, I fixed your throat. Now you are my prisoner. My revenge is vast.
[it is the PRESENT]
Colleague: So, uh...I just noticed this story in the paper about this guy who disappeared six years ago - did you...did we turn him into a woman?
Antonio Banderas: No! No. Don't be silly.
Marilia: We have to kill her! EVERYONE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
Vera: But I promised never to leave him.
Antonio Banderas: She promised! See? Everything's cool. Take her shopping, would you?
Marilia: What? Okay.
[they go SHOPPING and Vera buys the DRESS that Vincente liked]
Vera: I have to go get the lube if you want to have sex with me, in my fake vagina, that you created.
Antonio Banderas: That is so fucked up. Go get it!
[she gets the LUBE but also A GUN]
Antonio Banderas: But you promised you'd never leave me.
Vera: I lied.*
[she just fucking SHOOTS HIM DEAD]
Marilia: What! My son!
Vera: I'm under the bed, bitch!
[she SHOOTS her too]
Vera: Now I am revenged for six years of torture, and also being made into a woman.
[s/he returns to the VINTAGE STORE]
Vera: Hey Cristina. I'm back.
Cristina: Bokayyyyyy. You fine.
Vera: I'm Vincente.
Vincente's Mom: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
[FIN]

X-Men: First Class

I like how, on this poster, they put Havok on it, but so, so far back that it almost doesn't matter that he's there, like the tiny CGI horse at 0:38 in this Beyonce video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is WWII Germany]
L'il Fassbender: Nooooo! Don't take meine Mutti away!! Noooo! We are Jews!!!!
[he BENDS a GATE and the Nazis are like WHAT]
L'il Fassbender: Raaaaaaaaaaage!!! My rage makes metal do things!!!!
[it is WESTCHESTER, also during WWII]
L'il McAvoy: Oh, hello, possible burglar. I don't mean to pry, but...you're clearly not my mother, though you look like her. I was just wondering what you were doing in my kitchen. Also I was wondering why I have an English accent, since we're in America.
L'il Lawrence: Uh...I'm a shapeshifter. My real form is blue and weird-looking. But I guess you knew that because you can read minds. Not really sure about the accent thing, though.
L'il McAvoy: Jolly good, we're both mutants then! You can live with me, though we are both, like, 10.
[back in GERMANY]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Move this coin.
L'il Fassbender: I can't!
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: No? Okay, I'll shoot your mom then.
[he DOES, and L'il Fassbender goes NUTBALLS and all the METAL everywhere is, like, DESTROYED]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Yes! Yes!!! Mutants!!!!
[it is LATER, during the SWINGING SIXTIES]
James McAvoy: You have a mutation...a very groovy mutation.*
Random Hot Girl: Hahahaha! Your stupid pickup line totally worked on me!
Jennifer Lawrence: Sigh.
[it is LAS VEGAS]
Extremely Unnecessary Title Card: LAS VEGAS, NV
Rose Byrne: Look! It's that general! I'm going to tail him in lingerie, just like a CIA agent would, because I am totally a CIA agent, you guys.
[she DOES, because in the SIXTIES, all ladies wore FANCY UNDIES ALWAYS]
January Jones: Are my breasts big enough to distract you from how bad I am at acting?
Kevin Bacon: ...not really.
January Jones: Oh well, here they are anyway. I can turn into diamonds LOL
[she LURES the GENERAL into a ROOM with her VACANT SEXINESS]
Kevin Bacon: You better vote for the government to put nukes in Turkey!
General: No!
Kevin Bacon: Yes!
[the TORNADO-MAKING GUY shows his MUTANT POWERS and also his SWEET LUXURIOUS MANE]
General: Okay! Your tornadoes, and to a lesser extent, your hair, have convinced me.
[the RED MUTANT spirits him AWAY via MUTANT POWERS]
Rose Byrne: Nukes in Turkey! And mutants!! That's no good! I better tell the rest of the CIA!
[they don't BELIEVE her because of SEXISM]
Rose Byrne: Damn my lingerie!! I must find a mutant expert! That's a real thing, right?
[meanwhile, in ARGENTINA]
Michael Fassbender: I'll have a beer, please, and also the square jaw of Viggo Mortensen. Oh wait, I already have that. Just the beer, I guess.
Some Guys Who Are Clearly Nazis in Hiding: Deutsches Bier...das Beste.
Michael Fassbender: BUSTED. You guys are totally Nazis. And I'm a Jew...who is gonna kill your asses!!!
[he DOES, spectacularly]
Michael Fassbender: Revenge!!!!!
[meanwhile, on a BOAT]
General: Okay, so now that I've helped you get the nukes into Turkey, I can just, like, chill out, right?
Kevin Bacon: NOPE. And guess what? I'm also a mutant!! And my mutant power is absorbing energy!! Like the energy from that grenade you were going to try to kill me with!!!! But instead I will kill you!!!!!!
[he DOES, also spectacularly, but less so]
Rose Byrne: I need to find a mutant expert.
James McAvoy: I am a charming mutant expert. You have a very groovy mutation...*
Rose Byrne: Okay, stop trying to charm me, this is serious. I need your help at the CIA.
CIA Heads: These mutants might be dangerous! We can't HIRE them!
Oliver Platt: Yes, but I can! I'm in this movie!!
James McAvoy: Okay, but first we have to find Kevin Bacon. I will do it with my mind powers.
[they FIND him on his BOAT and try to CAPTURE him but he gets away in his SUBMARINE]
Michael Fassbender: Nooooo!!! My revenge!!!
James McAvoy: Stop trying to stop his submarine with your powers of metal, new friend. Just calm down in the water here with me. Rest your head upon my shoulder. Not in a gay way or anything.
[they DO NOT KISS but really SHOULD]
Oliver Platt: I'm still in the movie! Enjoy it while it lasts! Let's go to my compound.
About A Boy: Hi guys! I'm a scientist! And a mutant! Please don't stare at my feet!
[his FEET are HUGE]
Jennifer Lawrence: Bokayyyyy! You also have mutant body issues, just like me! Maybe we can work through them together.
About A Boy: Also I made this thing that can amplify telepathic powers! Let's find some more mutants! Here, put this thing on your head.
James McAvoy: Don't touch my hair.*
[there is a MUTANT-FINDING montage that is PRETTY GREAT]
Angel: I'm a stripper with bug wings!
Havok: I can shoot red flame things!
Darwin: I adapt to my environment! Also I am black, FYI.
Banshee: I can yell real loud!
James McAvoy: Great! You guys hang out here and we'll go see what the bad guys are up to.
[the BAD GUYS attack the COMPOUND and basically DESTROY it except for the MUTANTS]
Angel: I'm switching sides, you guys.
Darwin: Nooooooo!
[he tries to STOP HER but instead is KILLED because of TROPES]
Kevin Bacon: Come on, stripper bug, let's get out of here.
[meanwhile, in RUSSIA]
January Jones: Seriously, check out this rack, you guys. It is, like, amazing. I just want to look at my own breasts all day.
Michael Fassbender: Yeah, we get it.
James McAvoy: Now tell us the plan! Oh wait, I'm a telepath, I'll just look in your brain and find it out!
[he DOES]
James McAvoy: Oh shit, Kevin Bacon is going to start World War III! All right, back to the compound to assemble our army of teen mutants.
Jennifer Lawrence: Um...it's destroyed.
James McAvoy: Oh, easy fix, we'll just go to my insanely huge mansion upstate.
[they DO, and do a GROOVY TRAINING MONTAGE]
Teen Mutants: We are good at our powers now!
Michael Fassbender: I learned to harness my emotions to move a satellite dish!
James McAvoy: Yes. Use the place between rage and serenity.*
Michael Fassbender: Isn't that, like...all the emotions? Like, if rage is a 10, serenity is a 1?
James McAvoy: Shut up, it sounds good.
[they both shed A SINGLE TEAR but still DO NOT KISS]
About A Boy: I brought you a present!
Jennifer Lawrence: Is it chocolates?
About A Boy: No, it's a serum that will fix how you are so ugly.
Jennifer Lawrence: That is a terrible present!
[she tries to deal with her MUTANT BODY ISSUES by THROWING HERSELF at Fassbender]
Michael Fassbender: You fine, but not now. But let me reiterate: daaaaamn, you fine.
About A Boy: I was just trying to help...I'll take the serum myself, though.
[he DOES and he turns BLUE and FURRY]
About A Boy: My comeuppance!!! Now I will grow up to be Kelsey Grammer! Whyyyyy!!
Rose Byrne: Ummmmm you guys we still kind of need your help to capture this bad guy...the Cuban missile crisis is happening and I think he's going to use it to start a war so mutants can take over.
Kevin Bacon: Yes!! That is totally my plan! I will wear this helmet the Russians made to block out telepaths! It does not look stupid AT ALL.
[there is an INTENSE STANDOFF involving the EMBARGO LINE and MICHAEL IRONSIDE]
Kevin Bacon: Hahaha! When the Americans shoot that Russian ship that my henchmen now have control of, a global thermonuclear war will be launched!
James McAvoy: Oh no you don't!
[he TELEPATHICALLY makes a RUSSIAN DUDE blow up the RUSSIAN SHIP so there is NO WAR]
Michael Fassbender: Now, for my revenge.
James McAvoy: No! Don't do it! Be the better man!
Michael Fassbender: Dude, he killed my mom.
[he STEALS the STUPID HELMET and kills Kevin Bacon with a COIN through his FOREHEAD]
Michael Fassbender: Remember this coin from earlier? I CAN MOVE IT NOW, BITCH.
[he DOES NOT actually say that but he is TOTALLY THINKING IT]
James McAvoy: We can coexist with humans!
Michael Fassbender: Then why did the Americans and Russians BOTH just shoot all their missiles at us?
James McAvoy: Oh. Well, shit.
Michael Fassbender: We can never live peacefully with them!!
[he uses his METAL POWERS to aim the MISSILES back where they CAME FROM]
James McAvoy: What are you doing?!
Rose Byrne: Yeah, stop that!
[she SHOOTS and one of the bullets is DEFLECTED into James McAvoy's LUMBAR REGION]
James McAvoy: My spine!!!
Michael Fassbender: I guess we are enemies now, old friend. Bye!
Jennifer Lawrence: I'm, uh...I'm switching sides too. Mutant and proud!!
James McAvoy: Great. I'm paralyzed and have no friends. I guess I'll open a mutant school. That seems appropriate.
Michael Fassbender: And I'll find that diamond lady with the big ta-tas!
January Jones: That's me!
[she STARES VACANTLY]
Michael Fassbender: Now I shall be called...MAGNETO!!!
[he puts on a CAPE for some reason]

Guest Post: Body Heat

HOW IS THIS A REAL MOVIE? I almost don't believe it, but Laura McClain would never lie to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is the EARLY 80’s]
William Hurt: Phew. This heat wave sure is stifling. And so unexpected, in Florida!
Ted Danson: I’ll say! I had to use extra gel to keep my helmet of hair looking awesome.
[William Hurt GOES to COURT and LOSES a CASE because he is a shady, none-too-bright LAWYER]
William Hurt: Lawyering sure is complicated.
[he SMOKES in a NOIR manner as a SULTRY sax PLAYS, and GOES to an OUTDOOR concert to ILLUSTRATE that he is a LONER even in CROWDS]
William Hurt: Sure is hot out here…whaaaa?
[he SEES a SUPER hot DAME in a CLASSY white DRESS]
William Hurt: Why, hello there. What’s a tomato like you doing in a place like this?
Kathleen Turner: Me and my phone-sex voice are trying to get some air. Just don’t talk about the heat.*
William Hurt: Don’t normally see your type around here. You look well-tended.
Kathleen Turner: Ohhhh, I’m well-tended all right.*
William Hurt: Want a snowcone?
[she SPILLS it on her BOOB]
Kathleen Turner: What, you don’t want to lick it?*
[he CLEARLY does, but GOES for paper towels and she VANISHES]
William Hurt: Damn. Now I’m going to have to stalk her.
[he GOES to a BAR on her SWANKY side of TOWN and FINDS her there]
William Hurt: Hey there. Just thought I’d catch a drink/trade more repartee with you. Sometimes the shit comes down so hard I think I should wear a hat.*
Kathleen Turner: It would make you more noir.
[some RANDOMS stare at her because, HELLO, she is SUPER HOT]
William Hurt: You shouldn’t wear that body. *
Kathleen Turner: I’m leaving now. Don’t follow me. Unless you want to see my windchimes. That is not a euphemism.
[they GO to her MANSION to SEE the WINDCHIMES which clang EERILY]
Kathleen Turner: I’m married, you know. Not that it matters. Bye.
[he STARTS to LEAVE but FOLLOWS his BONER and LITERALLY SMASHES a WINDOW to get to HER]
Me, in the Audience: Ooooh! Scandalous!
[they seriously HAVE a TON of fairly AWESOME-LOOKING sex]
Kathleen Turner: I sure do hate my husband. He’s so cold and small. It’s a shame my youth and sweet, sweet ass are wasted on him.
William Hurt: Yeah, that sucks. Wanna do it?
[they DO]
Kathleen Turner: MAN, I hate my husband. If only I were free, life would be so much better. Also, he is super rich. So I would get a lot of money. If he were gone. Hint. Hint. HINT.
William Hurt: Them’s the breaks, I guess. Let’s take your panties off.
Kathleen Turner: Sigh.
Ted Danson: Hey! I haven’t seen you in a while. Are you getting laid? Tell me, your comedic relief sidekick friend.
[they HANG out with their OTHER friend who is not GOOFY but rather BLACK and HONORABLE]
William Hurt: Well, better get back to my woman. There she is, in the gazebo, with her back to me. Hey, lady, wanna fuck?*
Some Random Chick: Well, well, well. Sure!
William Hurt: Gah!
Kathleen Turner: Oh, you’ve met my friend Mary Ann! And you propositioned her! Ha ha! How incredibly awkward!
[everyone LAUGHS except William Hurt]
Kathleen Turner: You can’t stay here. I’m babysitting my sister-in-law’s kid. I hate her.
[William Hurt SHOWS up ANYWAY and Kathleen Turner BLOWS him]
Small Child: What am I witnessing? WEEP!
William Hurt: Whoops. I really need to work on this discretion thing.
[he GOES to a RESTAURANT and sees Kathleen Turner there with her HUSBAND]
William Hurt: Shit.
Clueless Husband: Come join us!
[they have an AWKWARD dinner where the HUSBAND reveals HIMSELF to be a) a JAG, b) kind of DUMB and c) suuuuuuper RICH]
William Hurt: You’re right, baby. We have to off him. I’ll go talk to my explosive experts friend Mickey Rourke.
Hot Mickey Rourke of Youth: What the hell happened to me??
[Kathleen and William SET their PLAN in MOTION, occasionally taking BREAKS to BONE]
Kathleen Turner: Let’s change his will, so I’ll get all the money.
William Hurt: It’s a good thing you’re hot, because that is seriously stupid.
[it is the MURDER night]
Clueless Husband: Hey! What’s that noise downstairs?
[he GRABS a GUN and Kathleen Turner is like SHIT, where did you GET that]
William Hurt: Aaaaaaa!
[he LEAPS out of a CLOSET and BEATS him to DEATH]
Kathleen Turner: Awesome!
William Hurt: Now to drive his corpse to an abandoned restaurant and blow it up with my Mickey Rourke explosives.
[he DOES]
William Hurt’s Secretary: There’s a very, very sulty-voiced woman on the phone. She wants you to go to a will reading.
William Hurt: Quaaaaa?
[he GOES and FINDS out that Kathleen Turner used his LAWERLY INCOMPETENCE to get all the MONEY]
William Hurt: You’re nuts!
Kathleen Turner: [shaking his hand in a PARKING LOT] I want you more now than I ever have.*
Me: Damn, she’s good.
Ted Danson: I feel I should tell you that our black and honorable friend, the detective, is investigating you for murder.
[he DANCES for COMIC RELIEF, leading me to CALL him “Ted Dancin’ ” for the REMAINDER of the FILM]
Honorable Black Detective: The pieces don’t add up. Where were the murder victim’s glasses?
William Hurt: Where are the glasses??
Kathleen Turner: The maid stole them! She is blackmailing me!
William Hurt: I have grown suspicious of you and your motives.
Honorable Black Detective: We have a witness to Kathleen Turner’s alleged affair. Her niece saw her blowing some dude in short shorts. You also wear short shorts.
William Hurt: Dude, it’s 1980. I also have a porn star mustache.
[he REMAINS calm but then WIGS out to Kathleen]
Kathleen Turner: I love you! Everything will be fine! Go to the boathouse to get the glasses - the maid put them there.
William Hurt: You’re trying to kill me! Mickey Rourke told me you went on an explosives-buying spree!
Kathleen Turner: No! I’ll prove it!
[she GOES to the BOATHOUSE which EXPLODES]
William Hurt: Noooooooo!
[later, in JAIL]
William Hurt: [WAKING with a START] She’s alive!*
Honorable Black Detective: That’s stupid. We found a charred corpse in the boathouse.
William Hurt: No! It was her friend Mary Ann that I hit on earlier in the movie! She switched identities with her and then killed her and put her body in the boathouse! It’s so obvious now!
[he REQUESTS a high school yearbook and SEES that his CRAZY THEORY is TRUE]
[MEANWHILE, on a TROPICAL beach]
Some Dude: Sure is hot out here, huh?
Kathleen Turner: [looks WISTFUL, though she is STINKING RICH now]

Shutter Island

First of all: there are obvs spoilers up in this piece. I actually had this movie semi-spoiled for me by someone on my Facebook feed the weekend it opened (bad form, by the by), so I read the Wikipedia article to see what the ending was, not really intending to see the movie. It's the kind of film that, if one of my friends wanted to go see it in the cinema, I would go, and gladly, but I wouldn't go of my own volition. Then my roommate brought a bootleg copy home, so I watched it. And you know what? I really liked it, even knowing (most) of the ending.

Also: best use of a one-note musical phrase since Terminator. So scary!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is EXTREMELY FOGGY]
Leonardo DiCaprio: So we gotta investigate this island for the criminally insane. I'm not sure why they're sending me here with a brand-new partner, but I'm sure we'll work well together. Also, my wife died, FYI.
Mark Ruffalo: Right, boss. I am as ruggedly handsome as the cliffs of this scary island are simply rugged.
[they ARRIVE and it is SUPER CREEPY]
Drew Carey's Brother: Surrender your firearms, and all your hope.
Leo: What?
DCB: Um...nothing. Also, the only way to get on or off the island is at this one dock. Just so everyone knows.
[there is SCARY MUSIC]
Ben Kingsley: Welcome to my island. A woman named Rachel Solando has escaped, but as you can see, the rocky terrain would make it very difficult for her to leave the island. She drowned her kids and is living in a fantasy world. Phew, I think that's all the exposition we need, maybe.
Leo: Where's her main psychiatrist?
Ben Kingsley: He, uh, went on vacation.
Michelle Williams: I am your dead wife in a dream and I am telling you that this woman is still on the island and so is this other guy who supposedly doesn't exist wooooo I am deaaaaad!!
Leo: Hmm. My dead dream-wife sounds really sensible. I'm sure this mystery man, Andrew Laeddis, is here.
[they CLIMB AROUND on the island looking for her]
Leo: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!!
Group Therapy Members: GET AWAY FROM HERE!!
Leo: Something weird is going on here.
Mark Ruffalo: Sure, boss.
Ben Kingsley: Oh, wait, we found the supposedly-escaped woman.
Emily Mortimer: What are you doing in my house? I am crazy.
Leo: Something VERY WEIRD is going on here.
[he BREAKS IN to a SECRET WARD]
That Pedophile-Lookin' Dude: You beat me up! Look at my face! You did this!
Leo: What? Huh? What? I just need to find Andrew Laeddis!
[some SCARY MUSIC plays]
Mark Ruffalo: Oh, look, I found the intake form for Andrew Laeddis. You can just read it and see what it says and then this mystery will be solved.
Leo: Um...maybe later.
Mark Ruffalo: Dude. This is, like, a key piece of evidence. Look at it!
Leo: LATER!! I need to concentrate on formulating my Nazi conspiracy theory!!
[they SCALE some CLIFFS and Mark Ruffalo FALLS, maybe]
Leo: Noooooooooooooooo! My newly-appointed partner who I feel so close to that I must scale these cliffs to saaaaaaaaaaaave!!!
[he goes in a CAVE]
Patricia Clarkson: Sup. I'm in a cave, and I have awesome dark hair, and I'm super hot, though I am 50. I am the real Rachel Solando, and I was a psychiatrist here, and I confirm all of your Nazi conspiracy suspicions!!
Leo: I was right about the Nazi conspiracies! I must save my partner! He must be in the lighthouse where they do the Nazi experiments!
[he SWIMS to the lighthouse and it is THRILLING]
Ben Kingsley: So, hey, listen. You know how you think you're a U.S. Marshal and you were investigating an escape and you were trying to find Andrew Laeddis? Turns out you're Andrew Laeddis and you have been here for two years because your wife drowned your kids and then you killed her.
Leo: Wait, whaaaaaaaa?
Mark Ruffalo: Hey, boss. I'm actually your psychiatrist, not your partner.
Leo: Huuuuhhhhh???
Ben Kingsley: We wanted to let you play out your fantasy so we could cure you, otherwise the board is gonna make us lobotomize you. So are you cured?
Leo: Um...yes?
Mark Ruffalo: What's our next move, boss?
Leo: Well, it looks like this conspiracy goes deeper than I thought! Would you rather live as a monster or die as a good man?*
[presumably, they SNIP his BRAIN and he is a ZOMBIE]

Oscar Shorts: The New Tenants (Denmark)

[it is NEW YORK]
David Rakoff: ...and there are people dying EVERYWHERE and YOU are asking me not to SMOKE while you're EATING? Fuck you.
David Rakoff's Boyfriend: You're so dramatic.
[there is a KNOCK at the door]
Old Lady: I need flour! Give me some flour!! I'm making cinnamon buns for my granddaughter!
David Rakoff: Um, we just moved in? So we don't have any?
Old Lady: I hope you got a break on the rent, considering the triple homicide that happened here.
David Rakoff and his BF: Bwaaaaaaa?
DR's BF: Well, anyway, I found some flour. Here you go.
[he hands her a ZIPLOC BAG]
Me: That has to be cocaine.
My Mom: Duh.
[there is ANOTHER KNOCK at the door]
Vincent D'Onofrio: You fucked my wife!! She is the aforementioned granddaughter of the old lady!
[he ATTACKS them with a TIRE IRON and is generally SCARY but also SAD]
David Rakoff: Um, no, we are gay. I think that was the last guy who lived here, Jerry.
[there is ANOTHER FUCKING KNOCK and Vincent D'Onofrio gets SHOT]
Kevin Corrigan: Where the fuck is my heroin? It looks like flour!
David Rakoff and his BF: Shiiiiiiiiit.
Old Lady: You killed my granddaughter!! That wasn't flour!!
Kevin Corrigan: I'ma shoot everyone!!
[before he can, the GRANDDAUGHTER, who is on some SERIOUS heroin, hits him with the TIRE IRON and then DIES]
David Rakoff: Cigarette?
[they DANCE in the STREET]

Obsessed

[it is LOS ANGELES]
Beyonce: Baby, I'm so glad you work at a poorly-defined Corporate Job that allows us to buy this big new house!! Our family is going to be so happy, and also very attractive, here.
Idris Elba: It's true...you are gorgeous, even with that weird reddish weave, and I am extremely handsome. Look at our child! So adorable! Let's go fool around upstairs.
Beyonce: But what about our kid? Oh, he'll be fine in the stroller, as long as he doesn't accidentally walk over to the glass table that is under the huge wrought-iron chandelier.
Me: If that chandelier doesn't fall into that table by the end of this film, I will be upset.
[they TEST OUT their new CEILING MIRRORS by BONING on the FLOOR]
Idris Elba: Well, back to work at Random Company!
Jerry O'Connell: Dude! We're friends! We work together! Duuuuude!
Ali Larter: Hi. Do people have conversations in elevators?
Idris Elba: No. Not with strangers.
Ali Larter: I didn't think so. But we're having one anyway! How convenient. I'm working at your company as a temp. See you around...............
[she looks at him FLIRTATIOUSLY]
Jerry O'Connell: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude you should hiiiiiit thaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Idris Elba: She is beautiful, but HELLO I AM MARRIED TO BEYONCE WHO IS LIKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN EVER. I mean, come on.
[he goes home and BONES her just to PROVE a POINT]
Beyonce: Well, have fun at the office Christmas party without me. I'll just be here with our child, who is apparently the only person I talk to besides you. I do want to go back to school though!!
Idris Elba: I support you, because I am a good husband.
Ali Larter: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii again. It's so WEIRD how we ran into each other at this bar, isn't it? Oh my god, so weird! Let's hang out before the Christmas party.
[she basically FUCKS him with her EYES]
Idris Elba: Ummmmm...this is making me uncomfortable.
[they go to the PARTY and get DRUNKER and she SHOVES him into a BATHROOM STALL]
Idris Elba: Stop trying to undress me! How did you even manage to shove me in this stall? You weigh like 100 pounds. Are you a robot?
Ali Larter: Maybe I'm your SEX ROBOT!!!!
[she continues to MAUL him]
Idris Elba: God, get off me!
[he runs to the PARKING GARAGE, but she is THERE in her UNDERWEAR]
Idris Elba: I wonder if I should tell my wife about this. It's kind of funny when you think about it...nah, I'll just let it lie. It's probably not a big deal.
Ali Larter: I quit my job so we can be together!
Idris Elba: Um...what?
Ali Larter: Also I followed you to a retreat and drugged you!
Idris Elba: Um...whaashs irufhweriuf...
[he PASSES OUT]
Jerry O'Connell: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude I bet that chick is hotttttt in b--
Idris Elba: NOTHING IS GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND HER I SWEAR.
Ali Larter: What?! No!!! My heart is broken!!
[she tries to OFF HERSELF with PILLS in his BED and he calls 911 because he is a DECENT HUMAN]
Beyonce: What the fuck? Who the fuck is this? What is going on?
Christine Lahti: Apparently this woman was naked in your husband's hotel room.
Beyonce: No! NO! You - no. This is - no. I'm out. I'm OUT.
[she is like REALLY PISSED]
Idris Elba: Nothing happened!!!
Christine Lahti: Look, guy, I don't care if you're boning this chick or not, but she is crazy. But she has conveniently gone to San Francisco, so now you're safe. California is a pretty big state.
Idris Elba: Phew. But my wife already kicked me out of the house!
Beyonce: Well...I think after a montage of us living separately, we can get back together.
[meanwhile, in their SWEET MANSION]
Babysitter: Um, who are you?
Ali Larter: I'm Mrs. Charles' friend! I'll just call her to make sure it's okay for me to be here. Look, I'm dialing her, and talking to her on the phone, even though you can't hear her. It's totally her. Do you need to talk to her?
Babysitter: No, I don't want to call your bluff. It was a pretty good bluff.
[Ali Larter STEALS their BABY because the babysitter is a DUMB TEEN who is TEXTING and not watching the BABY]
Beyonce: MY CHILD!!!!
[they run around FRANTICALLY for like 2 minutes and then the BABY ends up being in their CAR with a LIPSTICK KISS on his little head]
Beyonce: I can NOT belive she touched my CHILD. [on phone] Look, bitch, you know who this is, and I know you're crazy, but if you come near my family again, I'll SHOW YOU CRAZY.*
Idris Elba: Damn, my wife is fine.
Ali Larter: Oh hiiiii gay assistant of Idris Elba. It's been so long since we talked! I just needed some information.
Gay Assistant: Oh hey! Here is all the information you need about the trip that they are going on. Oops! I helped a stalker. Dang.
[Ali Larter BREAKS IN after Beyonce LEAVES and puts on an OLD FOOTBALL JERSEY and WRITHES AROUND a lot]
Beyonce: Oops, I forgot to set the alarm...and there's someone in my house.
Ali Larter: Oh, hey - your husband is divorcing you. That's why I'm wearing his football jersey.
Beyonce: What. Did I tell you. About staying away. From my family. Oh. Hell. No.
[they have a HUGE FUCKING FIGHT during which Beyonce keeps her FIERCE BOOTS ON]
Beyonce: Good thing I learned that our attic floor is unstable earlier.
[she LURES Ali Larter over a SOFT SPOT and Ali Larter FALLS THROUGH]
Beyonce: You are insane, and have been trying to kill me, but I cannot let you die.
[she offers her HAND, and Ali Larter tries to PULL HER DOWN TOO]
Beyonce: Nuh uh!!
[she FREES herself, and Ali Larter falls onto the CHANDELIER, which SWINGS AROUND, and then FALLS onto the GLASS TABLE, which SHATTERS, and then the CHANDELIER falls]
Beyonce: That was very satisfying.
Idris Elba: Are you okay? Let's go bone under our ceiling mirrors again.

Guest Post: Her Married Lover

Lord knows we love a made-for- television movie up in this blog. Such fodder. We had not one, but TWO Lifetime movie weeks! Remember those days, guys? Good times. Laura McClain wants to take us back there. Hit it.
(Also, this movie is apparently called A Clean Kill in some places? And it's very popular in Australia? Whatever.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
Pretty Brunette: A woman is dead! Her car is at the bottom of the ravine!
Surly Cop: So you want to report a vehicular accident?
Pretty Brunette: No….a MURDER.*
Surly Cop: Okay. Walk along that yellow line through those doors. The line is symbolic or something.
[she and her PEASANT DRESS and PLATFORM SNEAKERS walk slowly down a HALLWAY as many RANDOM establishing shots of HISPANIC people are SHOWN]
Rotund Detective: So, tell me about this dead lady. Who killed her?
Pretty Brunette: Her husband….we were lovers.
Rotund Detective: Okay. What’s his name?
Pretty Brunette: Richard Mannhart.
Rotund Detective: Man heart? REALLY? That’s the best name the screenwriters could come up with?
Pretty Brunette: It’s symbolic!
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Pretty Brunette Voiceover: I stopped at a convenience store late one night to pick up some things…
[she WALKS around the STORE looking TERRIFIED for NO REASON]
Patrick Dempsey’s Nerd Friend from Can’t Buy Me Love: This is a stick-up!
Pretty Brunette: Gasp!
[a man GRABS her from BEHIND and COVERS her MOUTH with his LEATHER-GLOVED hand while CARESSING her LADY BITS with his OTHER, UN-GLOVED hand]
Mysterious Stranger: Shhhhhh….don’t make a sound.
Convenience-Store Clerk: [SHOOTS criminal]
Pretty Brunette: But…where did the leather-gloved man go? He saved my life! Also, that caressing was hot.
[she CLEANS her HOUSE while LISTENING to the RADIO]
Radio Announcer: That was Richard Mannhart, acclaimed mystery writer.
Pretty Brunette: That voice! THAT VOICE! It’s leather-glove man!
[she FINDS him TEACHING at a COMMUNITY COLLEGE]
Pretty Brunette: Why did you run from the convenience store?
Mysterious Stranger, aka Man-Heart: I think you have me mistaken for someone else.
[he PULLS on a LEATHER GLOVE so you KNOW it's him, as ONLY HE owns LEATHER GLOVES]
[MEANWHILE, back in the PRESENT]
Some Cops: Your wife’s in pretty bad shape Mr. Mannhart. You’d better come with us.
Man-Heart: Why? I will act suspiciously at my book-signing!
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Pretty Brunette: I will go to work editing a movie with a very sinister child in it.
Man-Heart: [SNEAKS up BEHIND her and HUMPS her while WEARING a GLOVE again]
Pretty Brunette: So erotic!
[she GOES back to his CLASS and she CREEPILY takes his PHOTO, and they have a SEXY ENCOUNTER on a ROOF]
Pretty Brunette: So then we started having an affair…it was sexy yet sinister.
Rotund Detective: [LOOKS at her IMPASSIVELY]
[there are MONTAGES of them having SEX on VARIOUS surfaces, though she ALWAYS wakes up ALONE and FULLY CLOTHED, including SHOES]
Man-Heart: I love you so much, baby.
Pretty Brunette: I love you too! I’m tired of sharing you with her - get a divorce!
[they GO to a PARK, where all INTENSE CONVOS occur]
Man-Heart: I’m divorcing her! Take this enormous chintzy ring as proof that I will marry you!
Pretty Brunette: Hooray! Let’s celebrate this occasion by taking pictures in that photo booth!
[they DO and then BONE on a ROCK in like a CAVE or something]
[MEANWHILE, back in the PRESENT]
Nurse: Your wife is in a coma. She’s probably going to die.
Some Cops: So tell us about your mistress. She gave us a lot of private info about you!
Man-Heart: She was just my stuuuuudent! I don’t know how she knows about me! I will
continue to seem suspicious!
[his WIFE dies]
Pretty Brunette: So we were going to get married…but he never showed up to meet my friend who looked like Katie Couric. So I called him to bitch him out.
[she wears a TIERED TEA-LENGTH wedding dress, which is possible PROOF of her CRAZY]
Pretty Brunette: Where are you? You’re supposed to love me!
Man-Heart: I don’t even know who you are! You’re just my stuuuuudent!
Pretty Brunette: Why are you denying me? Is it because your bitch wife is right there?
Rotund Detective: Why didn’t you end it with him?
Pretty Brunette: He was too irresistible!
[he is NOT]
Man-Heart: I’m sorry I didn’t come by, baby…but look! I wrote out our whole affair in my new novel. My writer’s block is cured! It also details how I will kill my wife to take her money and be with you!
Pretty Brunette: Gasp! You cannot do this!
[she READS his TERRIBLE-LOOKING manuscript]
Pretty Brunette: I have to talk to you after class, which I am still taking for some reason!
Man-Heart: YOU’RE JUST MY STUUUUUDENT! STOP STALKING ME!
Pretty Brunette: What is WRONG with you???
[she GOES to tell his WIFE that he is going to KILL her but the WIFE is BITCHY and
DISMISSIVE]
Pretty Brunette: I will stalk her to save her life!
[she FOLLOWS his wife in a CAR and totally RUNS her OFF the ROAD while trying to SAVE her, though it is INDICATED that the BRAKES were CUT]
Rotund Detective: Okay. I need some proof that you were his lover to book him. Literally nobody ever saw you together.
Pretty Brunette: I have proof!
[she HANDS him the PHOTO BOOTH pictures]
My Friend Dawn: Well, this is Lifetime….the bitch can’t be crazy. They always side with the chick in these movies.
Rotund Detective: Okay. Thanks. I’m going to get a nice lady cop to take you into another room.
[they WALK her DOWN a HALLWAY past Man-Heart, and she SUDDENLY has a SERIOUS case of the CRAZY EYES]
Rotund Detective: Sorry, Mr. Mannhart. This time...the bitch IS crazy.
[he GIVES him the PHOTO BOOTH pictures, which show her in a Donna Martin hat POSING with his PHOTO and it’s PRETTY CREEPY]

Invasion of the Bee Girls

I was going to wait until tomorrow to publish this, but I can't withhold this kind of awesome from you any longer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
No-Tell Motel Staff: Oh no! A corpse! A corpse in our seedy, seedy motel!
Investigators: This dead man is a scientist. A government scientist. This could somehow be related...to his science. Better call in the Feds.
Federal Investigator: I'm here to look dashing and investigate this crime. Who was last seen with this married man? His secretary?
Hot Science Administrator: No, actually, I'm the head of the department.
Federal Investigator: A woman? In a position of power? My manhood is both threatened and tingly. So, tell me what happened that night.
Hot Science Administrator: Nothing, okay? NOTHING. [pause] Okay, we balled, and we balled, and we balled, until he dropped dead.*
Federal Investigator: Interesting. And hot.
[meanwhile, in the FOREST]
Nude Woman: Hey! I'm just riding my dirt bike - nude!
Nude Man: Awesome! Let's roll slowly down this hill and fuck!
[they DO, and he BITES it]
Nude Woman: Hahahahaha!!!
[like FOUR MORE DUDES die of SEXUAL EXHAUSTION and they call a TOWN MEETING]
Dr. Murder:* So we're not sure what's causing this epidemic, but we're pretty sure the solution is complete sexual abstinence.
Townspeople: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU MUST BE JOKING.
Dr. Murder: No, for real, you guys. I have a theory, but it's so crazy, so insane - I can't tell it!
[meanwhile, in a TASTEFULLY-APPOINTED home]
Husband: Well, complete sexual abstinence isn't going to be anything new around HERE.*
Wife: [looks DOUR and BORING]
Federal Investigator: We need to talk to that Dr. Murder and find out what this "crazy idea" he has is.
[they try to MEET him, but instead see him get RUN OVER by a MYSTERIOUS CAR]
Hot Science Administrator: What could be happening? Let's go to his house and find out.
[they find a GAY SEX DUNGEON at his house, with many shots of WHIPS and CHAINS because gays are KINKY]
Federal Investigator: WHAAAAA?
[meanwhile, at the LAB]
Herb Klein: Boy, science is great, but my wife is so lame.
Hot Entomologist: Maybe we should have dinner. But I'll never take off my sunglasses. Ever. They are the hugest sunglasses in the world.
[they have DINNER and she FLIRTS with him and he CANNOT RESIST because men are HORNY]
Hot Entomologist: Now I will strip for you to classical music. But then I will kill you with my compound eyes!!! Now you know why I wear the sunglasses!!
[she KILLS him with her SEXY BEE POWERS]
Hot Entomologist: Now to add a new bee girl to our arsenal!
[she takes MRS. KLEIN to her LAB, where she and five other women in SEXY LAB COATS slather ROYAL JELLY all over her NAKED BODY, including her BREASTS, which are REAL, and FEATURED HEAVILY]
Hot Entomologist: Yes!! Yes!! She is emerging from the radioactive chamber that makes her into a bee girl! You can tell by her compound eyes! Ladies, expose your bosoms!
[all the assistants RIP OPEN their sexy lab coats and just RUB their own BREASTS]
Hot Entomologist: Now, we'll all make out.
[meanwhile, in an ACTUAL lab]
Federal Investigator: Look! I found a flimsy explanation for what's going on in this science book! That hot entomologist was combining bee DNA with human DNA, and also they are radioactive for some reason! And that gay dude got run over because he was immune to the charms of the killer bee girls!
Hot Science Administrator: It all makes sense! I guess!
[meanwhile, at the SAME or maybe a DIFFERENT tastefully-appointed HOME]
Wife: I'm sorry I've been a sexual bore.*
[she takes off her TOP in an UNSEXY manner, but then takes off her STOCKINGS in a SEXY manner]
Husband: No! You're a bee girl! Get away from me!
[he STRANGLES her with her OWN STOCKINGS, though she is NOT a bee girl because she is NOT wearing SUNGLASSES]
Hot Science Administrator: We need to solve this thing - and fast!
[they bring a GEIGER COUNTER to the FUNERAL of Herb Klein and DEDUCE that the SUNGLASS-WEARING women are BEE GIRLS]
Hot Entomologist: We are found out! We must eliminate everyone else who knows about this!
[she and her SEXY ASSISTANTS try to transform the Hot Science Administrator into a BEE GIRL, but the Federal Investigator SAVES her and BLOWS UP the lab]
Federal Investigator: Good thing that's all over. Let's make out now.
[as they do, we see a BEE resting on a FLOWER as "Thus Spake Zarathustra" plays DRAMATICALLY]

*this guy's name is actually "Dr. Murger," but Steph and I heard "murder" pretty much every time anyone said it. Bonus hilarity!

Match Point

[it is LONDON, and NOT New York]
Voiceover: This movie is about luck. FYI.
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: I would love a job at your chichi tennis club, as I have many tennis skills.
Tom, His Handsome Pupil: What ho! You're a tennis coach, but you like opera? I am astonished. Please to escort me to the opera, no homo.
[they go to the OPERA and Emily Mortimer GAZES at JRM in an extremely OBVIOUS MANNER]
Tom, His Handsome Pupil: You have proven to me through your love of opera and Dostoyevsky that you are worthy to come to our country house. Also, my sister wants to bone you. So there's that, also.
[they go to the SWANK country house and do some CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION]
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: What's this I hear? Ping-pong sounds emanating from an empty room? I must investigate.
ScarJo: Hello. Are you enjoying my breasts? I certainly am.
[they LOOK at each other MEANINGFULLY for WAY TOO LONG]
ScarJo: Has anyone ever told you you play a very aggressive game?*
JRM: Has anyone ever told you you have sensuous lips?*
Tom, His Handsome Pupil: Oh, I see you've met my fiancee! She's delightful, no?
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: Your fiancee! I must have her.
Shaun of the Dead's Mom: Tut tut tut. These children of ours are dating such dilettantes. First Tom with the starving actress with the killer rack, then our daughter and this - tennis coach! Tut!
Brian Cox, AKA "That Guy Was in X-Men": But you realize that I could groom this young man to be the perfect husband for our daughter! He may be Irish, but we won't let that get in the way.
[they give him a BUSINESS JOB where he does BUSINESS THINGS and wears a BUSINESS SUIT]
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: What exactly does this company do?
Brian Cox: Ho ho ho! My boy, that doesn't matter! Globalization! Finance! BUSINESS!
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: But...I want those boobies.
[he RUNS INTO ScarJo on the STREET, because London is SUPER SMALL]
ScarJo: Hey. I was going to an audition. I'm really nervous. Mostly because I'm shitty at acting.
JRM: Even though we are dating siblings, I will come with you for "moral support." Then we can get a drink.
[she BUSTS him for LUSTING after her INSANE TA-TAS]
JRM: Oh well. I guess I'll just marry Emily Mortimer, since she loves me and her dad gave me a business job.
[they go BACK to the country house and SHOOT some SKEET with SHOTGUNS]
Shaun of the Dead's Mom: Tut tut! This actress is annoying!
Tom, the Handsome Pupil: [literally not raising his voice AT ALL] I'm sorry to raise my voice at you, but please don't speak of my lady that way.
ScarJo: What-EVER! I'm just going to go run across a field in the rain in this white top!
JRM: And I'm going to run after her! In the rain!
[inevitably, they BONE in a FIELD and it is MODERATELY HOT]
ScarJo: Okay, this needs to be done. PEACE.
JRM: Nooooo!!! The most wonderful breasts ever! Gone!!
Emily Mortimer: I want a baby!
JRM: God, stop bothering me. It's like we're married or something.
Emily Mortimer: We ARE married! Pay attention to me! Oh, and by the way, Tom dumped that crazy-ass American.
[SOMBER OPERA MUSIC plays to denote Jonathan Rhys-Meyer's MOOD as he LOOKS intensely at NOTHING]
ScarJo: Sup. I'm back from America. Can we fuck some more?
[they DO, and although there is SHIRT-RIPPING, which is HOT, it is still PRETTY TAME, as the PASSAGE of TIME is shown through SCENERY]
ScarJo's Neighbor: Mousetraps work better with a bit of peanut butter than they do with cheese! I might seem like a hilarious, yet insignificant character now, but just you wait!!
Emily Mortimer: I want a baby! Still! That is my throughline!
ScarJo: I have something to tell you. And, since I am a woman who has been proven to be sexually promiscuous, that thing is obviously that I am pregnant. LEAVE YOUR WIFE!
JRM: I will! God! Stop bothering me, women.
[they have this discussion like FIVE MORE TIMES]
JRM: I'm, uh, in Greece. Yeah. Greece. For...vacation.
ScarJo: TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT US. I AM CLEARLY INSANE.
[she SEES him on the STREET and he is BUSTED for not being in GREECE]
ScarJo: You're a liar! YOU'RE A LIARRRRRR!
[repeat AS NEEDED]
JRM: Wait a minute...there was a gun earlier in this movie! The solution is so obvious!
[he HIDES the gun in his TENNIS BAG, and is ALMOST CAUGHT with it, but is NOT CAUGHT]
JRM: Oh. Hello. I know you. we talked about peanut butter and cheese.
ScarJo's Neighbor: Oh, come on in. Your flimsy excuse to enter my apartment is totally believable.
[he fucking SHOOTS her with the fucking SHOTGUN and makes it look like a ROBBERY and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK]
The One Black Dude Who Has Ever Been in a Woody Allen Film: Old lady? Are you okay? Are you okay? I'm just going to keep asking. Okay, I guess you're dead.
ScarJo: La, la, la. Oh, hello, black neighbor. I'm just going home.
[JRM fucking SHOOTS her too, destroying the most PERFECT BREASTS since Princess Buttercup's]
Emily Mortimer: Oh god! That poor girl! We knew her! But...back to me. Let's have a baby. BABIES. BABIES BABIES BABIES.
Scottish Detective: Hmm. This case seems like a cut-and-dried drug robbery gone wrong...but perhaps it's not. Oh look...this foxy lass has a diary!
[they QUESTION JRM because he is all up in that DIARY, which is full of STEAMY SECRETS]
JRM: I had an affair, but I didn't kill her! I will just continue to reiterate that fact unconvincingly...until I have convinced you.
Scottish Detective: I'm not convinced.
JRM: I better get rid of all this evidence. Step 1: Put it in my pockets, where anyone could find it. Step 2: Throw it in the Thames.
[he THROWS it all, but the old lady's WEDDING RING bounces off the RAIL in the manner of a TENNIS BALL, thus proving that LUCK IS EVERYTHING]
JRM: Now I am rid of this burden for once and for all.
[JRM gets up in the NIGHT, as he is RACKED with GUILT, even though he has successfully IMPREGNATED Emily Mortimer so she will STFU already]
ScarJo: You killed me! Youuuu killlllllled meeeeee!! Now I am haunting you, but there is no lipgloss in the afterlife, so please excuse my chalky lips!!
ScarJo's Neighbor: Youuuuu killllllled meeeeee tooooooo!! Sppoooookkkyyyyy!!
[the SCOTTISH DETECTIVE sits BOLT UPRIGHT in bed]
Scottish Detective: My dream has solved the case!!
Other Detective: No, it hasn't. We found some junkie with the old lady's wedding ring. He must have done it.
Scottish Detective: Well...but...maybe JRM threw all the evidence away and this junkie found it!
Other Detective: Ha ha! That is wholly preposterous! Let's go have some fish and chips!
JRM: Suckaaaas!!
Emily Mortimer: More babies!!
[everyone LAUGHS, but only because they are SO FUCKING MISERABLE]