3.11.2008

Cruel Intentions

[it is NEW YORK in the 1990s]
Ryan Phillippe: Therapy is so great. I love talking about myself, and how woeful I am about my life and being a complete Lothario and liar all the time. You're a REALLY GREAT therapist. I'm not full of shit at ALL.
Swoosie Kurtz: Why, thank you, young man. Here. Have a book about parenting, since your parents clearly didn't raise you right. [aside] Ass.
Tara Reid: [on phone] Mo-ooooooom!! Ryan Phillippe put naked pictures of me on the internet!! Make him stoooooopppp! Make him stop typecasting meeee!!
Swoosie Kurtz: I'll get you, Phillippe!
Ryan Phillippe: No, you won't. This smirk on my face makes that perfectly clear.
[Ryan Phillippe IMMEDIATELY takes out another girl, PROVING that he is AWESOME with the LADIES]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: God. I'm so bored with my rich Upper East Side lifestyle. Not even the cocaine I keep in this crucifix can keep me entertained. I think I'll fuck around with some people's lives. Wanna fuck me...I mean, help me, dear stepbrother?
Ryan Phillippe: I love toying with people's emotions, and also, your boobs!
[he GRABS one as they PLOT to destroy Reese Witherspoon's HONOR]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: All right. If you seduce that Kansas virgin, I'll let you do me. You can put it anywhere.*
Teenage Viewers: Oh. My. GOD. This movie is SO SCANDALOUS.
Selma Blair: I'm awkward!
[falls DOWN]
Ryan Phillippe: Hey there. I'm not a bad boy at all, no matter what you might have heard.
[he makes many FACES when other people AREN'T LOOKING that DISPUTE this claim]
Reese Witherspoon: Please. I may be from Kansas, and a virgin, but I'm not stupid. I heard all about you.
[there is a GAY SUBPLOT involving Pacey from Dawson's Creek and Daniel Meade from Ugly Betty]
Ryan Phillippe: Turns out Selma Blair's mom has been spreading dirty rumors about me! BITCH IS GOING DOWN.
Selma Blair: I'm awkward! And I have a crush on my music teacher! And he's black! And my mom will be so mad! AAAA!
Sean Patrick Thomas: I'm writing a musical about the life of Martin Luther King, Jr.
Selma Blair: Dr. King is my faaaaavorite.*
[she does an AWKWARD DANCE]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Let's practice kissing in Central Park. That's not totally bizarre at all.
[they KISS and there is a SPIT STRING]
Reese Witherspoon: I seem to be changing my mind about you.
Ryan Phillippe: Good. My plan is working. I mean...yeah. Love. All that.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: You need to sleep with Selma Blair to accomplish my plan. I mean, I can't do it...could I? No. The kissing was lesbiany enough.
[Ryan Phillippe goes DOWN on Selma Blair, turning her into an AWKWARD NYMPHOMANIAC]
Ryan Phillippe: Something about this...it doesn't feel right. I'm so confused now!
Reese Witherspoon: Perhaps if I make crazy faces at you, you will realize that you love me.
[she DOES, and he DOES]
Reese Witherspoon: Now, you may have this virgin flesh.
Ryan Phillippe: Uh...no.
Reese Witherspoon: WHAT?! I just reneged on a promise I made in Seventeen magazine for you! DAMN YOU!
[he LEAVES and then FINDS her in Penn Station SOMEHOW at the top of an ESCALATOR and they DO IT, but not in Penn Station]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: You'll ruin your rep as a complete man-whore if you date her, you know. And I'm not just saying that to fuck with you.
[he DUMPS Reese Witherspoon]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Okay, I was just saying that to fuck with you. Don't you want to have sex with me now?
[Ryan Phillippe is ACCOSTED by the black music teacher in CENTRAL PARK, because shit GOES DOWN there]
Reese Witherspoon: I must find him! I'll just look in Central Park. [she sees him, like, IMMEDIATELY] Noooo!! Don't hurt him!
[she FALLS in front of a TAXI but is SAVED by Ryan Phillippe, who gets TOTALLY THRASHED by the TAXI and DIES]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: [to herself] Wah wah wah. He died. Big whoop. [to society] I'm devastated!
Reese Witherspoon: Suuuuuuure you are.
[SMG is revealed as a COKE WHORE and a BITCH via Ryan Phillippe's JOURNAL, which they took to KINKO'S to have COPIED and BOUND in time for the FUNERAL]

5 comments:

Laura said...

I took my friend Elisha to see this movie after she got dumped before the winter dance. She was SO. TRAUMATIZED. She couldn't even eat her Denny's chicken strips after the movie.

I will also never forget the laughter from every person in the theatre when Ryan Phillippe got hit by the cab and then the next shot was his smirking photo next to the coffin. So hilarious.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I remember literally zero things about this movie except for the scene about which you (correctly) quoted teen viewers ("SO SCANDALOUS"). That scene is permanently burned on my retinas and yet I somehow forgot hot Pacey gay subplot?!?!?! Was it not actually that hot and that's why I don't remember it??

Movie Maven said...

The Pacey gay subplot wasn't that hot, but Pacey was platinum blonde.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Oh god, I definitely do NOT remember that. I probably blocked it out.

BeckEye said...

This movie was pure crap. I hate Ryan Phillippe and his little pouty boy face.