Ryan Phillippe: Therapy is so great. I love talking about myself, and how woeful I am about my life and being a complete Lothario and liar all the time. You're a REALLY GREAT therapist. I'm not full of shit at ALL.
Swoosie Kurtz: Why, thank you, young man. Here. Have a book about parenting, since your parents clearly didn't raise you right. [aside] Ass.
Tara Reid: [on phone] Mo-ooooooom!! Ryan Phillippe put naked pictures of me on the internet!! Make him stoooooopppp! Make him stop typecasting meeee!!
Swoosie Kurtz: I'll get you, Phillippe!
Ryan Phillippe: No, you won't. This smirk on my face makes that perfectly clear.
[Ryan Phillippe IMMEDIATELY takes out another girl, PROVING that he is AWESOME with the LADIES]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: God. I'm so bored with my rich Upper East Side lifestyle. Not even the cocaine I keep in this crucifix can keep me entertained. I think I'll fuck around with some people's lives. Wanna fuck me...I mean, help me, dear stepbrother?
Ryan Phillippe: I love toying with people's emotions, and also, your boobs!
[he GRABS one as they PLOT to destroy Reese Witherspoon's HONOR]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: All right. If you seduce that Kansas virgin, I'll let you do me. You can put it anywhere.*
Teenage Viewers: Oh. My. GOD. This movie is SO SCANDALOUS.
Selma Blair: I'm awkward!
Ryan Phillippe: Hey there. I'm not a bad boy at all, no matter what you might have heard.
[he makes many FACES when other people AREN'T LOOKING that DISPUTE this claim]
Reese Witherspoon: Please. I may be from Kansas, and a virgin, but I'm not stupid. I heard all about you.
[there is a GAY SUBPLOT involving Pacey from Dawson's Creek and Daniel Meade from Ugly Betty]
Ryan Phillippe: Turns out Selma Blair's mom has been spreading dirty rumors about me! BITCH IS GOING DOWN.
Selma Blair: I'm awkward! And I have a crush on my music teacher! And he's black! And my mom will be so mad! AAAA!
Sean Patrick Thomas: I'm writing a musical about the life of Martin Luther King, Jr.
Selma Blair: Dr. King is my faaaaavorite.*
[she does an AWKWARD DANCE]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Let's practice kissing in Central Park. That's not totally bizarre at all.
[they KISS and there is a SPIT STRING]
Reese Witherspoon: I seem to be changing my mind about you.
Ryan Phillippe: Good. My plan is working. I mean...yeah. Love. All that.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: You need to sleep with Selma Blair to accomplish my plan. I mean, I can't do it...could I? No. The kissing was lesbiany enough.
[Ryan Phillippe goes DOWN on Selma Blair, turning her into an AWKWARD NYMPHOMANIAC]
Ryan Phillippe: Something about this...it doesn't feel right. I'm so confused now!
Reese Witherspoon: Perhaps if I make crazy faces at you, you will realize that you love me.
[she DOES, and he DOES]
Reese Witherspoon: Now, you may have this virgin flesh.
Ryan Phillippe: Uh...no.
Reese Witherspoon: WHAT?! I just reneged on a promise I made in Seventeen magazine for you! DAMN YOU!
[he LEAVES and then FINDS her in Penn Station SOMEHOW at the top of an ESCALATOR and they DO IT, but not in Penn Station]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: You'll ruin your rep as a complete man-whore if you date her, you know. And I'm not just saying that to fuck with you.
[he DUMPS Reese Witherspoon]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Okay, I was just saying that to fuck with you. Don't you want to have sex with me now?
[Ryan Phillippe is ACCOSTED by the black music teacher in CENTRAL PARK, because shit GOES DOWN there]
Reese Witherspoon: I must find him! I'll just look in Central Park. [she sees him, like, IMMEDIATELY] Noooo!! Don't hurt him!
[she FALLS in front of a TAXI but is SAVED by Ryan Phillippe, who gets TOTALLY THRASHED by the TAXI and DIES]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: [to herself] Wah wah wah. He died. Big whoop. [to society] I'm devastated!
Reese Witherspoon: Suuuuuuure you are.
[SMG is revealed as a COKE WHORE and a BITCH via Ryan Phillippe's JOURNAL, which they took to KINKO'S to have COPIED and BOUND in time for the FUNERAL]