Spencer

This one was kind of a toughie. I didn’t HATE it, but there were many times when I was like “BITCH JUST GO TO DINNER,” and then felt insensitive to Diana’s mental health struggles. Sometimes it’s hard to make ourselves do things that on the surface seem very easy! And I guess if she had actually GONE to dinner we wouldn’t have much of a movie, because about 90% of it is her psyching herself up to go to dinner and then not doing it. And the food didn’t look good, but still. Try to go to dinner, babe. This weekend will be over soon. 

***

[it is the EARLY 90s but ALSO some kind of DREAMLIKE ASTRAL PLANE]

KStew: Alas, it is time to attend the annual Windsor Family Christmas Extravaganza. And I’m lost, again. Symbolically. 
[she DRIVES in a CONVERTIBLE as her wig FLUTTERS in the BREEZE and STOPS to ask for DIRECTIONS, a PAINFUL reminder of LIFE pre-Siri]
KStew: Hello, can anyone tell me where your neighborhood castle is?
British Diner Patrons: [STARE in SILENCE]
KStew: Right-ho. 
[she HAPPENS UPON a scarecrow in a FIELD and STARES at it while LOOKING WOUNDED]
The Castle Chef: Hello, your highness. I’m just out on a quail-scavenging trip or something. Allow me to escort you to your weekend of good old-fashioned family togetherness.
KStew: Fuuuuuck.
Stern Butler: Ugh, it's you. Time for the annual Windsor Good-Time Eating Disorder Activator. One must gain three pounds this weekend. For the fun of it all. 
[she SITS on a SCALE because this FAMILY is TAILOR-MADE to TRIGGER her]
Sally Hawkins: Your highness! I have been assigned as your dresser again this Christmas. DO NOT LET THEM BREAK YOU. 
KStew: THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE
[she SEES a BOOK about Anne Boleyn in her ROOM which, is a real TROLL by the Royal Family]
Prince Chuckles: Happy Christmas Eve. Here are some pearls.
KStew. Thx I guess. 
The Entire Royal Family: [sits in judgmental silence]
[KStew IMAGINES DUMPING her pearls into her PEA soup and CHOMPING them up, which actually LOOKS like an IMPROVEMENT to that Nickelodeon SLIME MONSTROSITY]
Wills and Harry: Mummy! Happy Christmas!
[she GIVES them normal-kid PRESENTS which is NICE because they probably GET like, BREECHES and HAUNTED PALACES from their grandparents]
KStew: My childhood manor is right ‘round the bend. Perhaps I will go there, in the middle of the night. 
[she ALMOST gets SHOT by palace guards for her SKULKING]
[it is CHRISTMAS MORNING and she WEARS a HAT and LOOKS DOWNTRODDEN when she SEES Camilla]
Prince Chuckles: Can you maybe chill out a little and stop being late to everything and speaking in like, vague metaphors?
KStew: [SLAMS her HANDS on the pool table in IMPOTENT RAGE]
Prince Chuckles: I’m going to take our gentle sons pheasant hunting tomorrow morning to make them more like me.
Some Maid: I am here with yet more dresses for you to wear, ma’am. 
KStew: WHERE IS MY BFF SALLY HAWKINS, DON’T YOU SEE I’M HANGING ON BY A THREAD.
Some Maid: Chuckles has sent her away. For your own good. And we’ve stapled  your curtains closed so no one can see in. Also for your own good. 
KStew: I simply can’t go to dinner, even in this amazing gown. They’ll kill me like they did Anne Boleyn! 
[she IMAGINES CUTTING her ARM with a SEAM RIPPER as the AUDIENCE SCREAMS]
Literally Everyone: Time for dinner. 
KStew: I CANNOT.
[she PUTS on the SCARECROW coat and GOES to her DUSTY CHILDHOOD home where she HALLUCINATES her YOUTHFUL self and CONTEMPLATES THROWING herself down the STAIRS which is her SIGNATURE MOVE]
Sally Hawkins: I’ve been called back because everyone knows you’re losing it like whoa. Let’s go to the beach. I am in love with you.
KStew: [LAUGHS with DELIGHT and it’s CUTE]

KStew: Knowing I am loved has given me confidence. I will rescue my children from the pheasant shoot! And put my yellow princess suit on that scarecrow in an astonishing act of symbolism! 

[she TAKES Wills and Harry to KFC in her SPORTS car and it’s a JARRING reminder that it’s the 90s and not OLDEN TIMES]

Phantom Thread

 

Listen, I can’t claim to truly understand any Paul Thomas Anderson film. To be perfectly honest, we’re probably not supposed to. Film nerds always need something to dissect and I do enjoy a lot of his work, except Magnolia which can GTFO. And it’s always nice to see DDL’s hot face unobscured by voluminous mustaches or Lincoln beards. So I think I liked this movie? I like clothes and chilly men, and I can certainly sympathize with the effects of eating something that REALLY doesn’t agree with you. 

***

[it is a GLAMOROUS time filled with LOUD and ATONAL music]

Daniel Day-Lewis: It is I, Reynolds Woodcock, an elegant couture designer with the name of an amateur porn star. 

[he actually CREATES a COUTURE gown because DDL doesn’t PHONE it in, BITCHES]

His Lover: You never talk to me at breakfast anymore. 

His Sister: Shall I get rid of her?

DDL: [without LOOKING UP] Mmhmm.

[he dons FUSCIA SOCKS and goes to some kind of INN where Alma, a waitress, SMILES at him and immediately FALLS DOWN]

DDL: That was adorkable. Now to my breakfast! Here is the list of meats I would like to consume. Recite it back to me. 

[she DOES without BREAKING his GAZE and it is STRANGELY INTENSE as all their INTERACTIONS shall BE] 

DDL: You passed my test. Let's go on a date.

[they RIDE in his FANCY car and GO to DINNER]

DDL: My mother is dead. I find it comforting to think of her ghost watching me. Let me take off your lipstick. I like to see who I’m talking to.*

[they GAZE some more and I’m REMINDED that DDL doesn’t get enough RECOGNITION for being a damn SMOKESHOW ZADDY]

DDL: Now I shall give you the full Woodcock, meaning I will make a dress for you.

[they GO to his STUDIO and he DRAPES fabric and it’s MILDLY erotic until his SISTER weirdly SHOWS UP to TAKE notes]

DDL: You have no breasts.*

Alma: :(

DDL: Don’t worry, it’s my job to give them to you.*

Alma: :)

[she BECOMES his MUSE and LOVER and MOVES into his HOUSE where she MODELS his SUMPTUOUS dresses but also HELPS to MAKE them(?)]

Alma: Good morning! La la la!

[she BUTTERS her toast and POURS tea which is APPARENTLY UNBEARABLE]

DDL: Such noise! My day is ruined!

His Sister: He needs his reflection time in the morning! Only I know this, due to our bizarrely close relationship. 

Alma: I think he’s too fussy.*

[DDL has a FITTING with a RICH MATRON and she PASSES out DRUNK at a PARTY wearing his DRESS]

Alma: She doesn’t deserve your genius! I will pry it from her unconscious body.

DDL: You get me. I love you but also hate myself, as all geniuses do, and will take it out on you so just a head's up on that.

Alma: I want to prepare DDL a special dinner, just for the two of us. Can you leave the house so we can be alone?

His Sister: [STARES in CONFUSION]

[it is the FATEFUL dinner]

DDL: Where is everyone? What is going on? Why is this asparagus made with BUTTER when you know I prefer oil and salt? Why are you trying to destroy me?!

Alma: I just want to love you!

[instead of LEAVING his BITCHY ASS, she GETS the BRIGHT IDEA to LIGHTLY POISON him with some MUSHROOMS she PICKED earlier]

Alma: Here’s some normal, fungi-free tea.

[he COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY on a WEDDING dress he is MAKING for a LITERAL PRINCESS]

Alma: I will care for you!

DDL: Oh God, it’s coming out of both ends. The agony!

[he TOSSES ABOUT and HALLUCINATES his MOTHER because he is also SUFFERING from Mommy Issues Disease]

His Sister: I brought the doctor. Can he examine him?

DDL: Get the fuck out.*

Alma: You heard him. I am all that he needs!

[it is the NEXT morning]

DDL: My night of explosive diarrhea has made me realize how much I do in fact need you. Marry me!

Alma: I did it!

[they GET MARRIED and exactly ZERO things are FIXED cause that’s NOT how marriage WORKS]

DDL: You still butter your toast too loudly. And sometimes you bring me tea and want to go dancing. You've ruined my life!

Alma: Fuck this. I know how to make him love me again - thorough the power of poison. 

[she LEVELS up and puts a WHOLE mushroom in his OMELET]

DDL: Thanks for this omelet. It looks intriguing. 

[they STARE at each other for like, EVER and it is TENSE, and then he EATS it]

DDL: I knew about the diarrhea poison the whole time. Thanks for physically weakening me so I can finally accept your caretaking. I love you, Mommy.

Alma: I love you too. This is what love is. 

DDL: Now you’d better get out of here darling, before I’m sick.* 

[she CARESSES him as he SITS on the TOILET, but he’s not like, ACTUALLY using it in this ROMANTIC MOMENT, just to CLARIFY]

*actual line from movie

Interiors

I know, I KNOW. But he’s not actually IN it and there are no references to the Marx Brothers and the visually striking poster kept popping up on Prime, so I thought it might be interesting. But I hated it and everyone's terrible haircuts and I want those two silent, weird hours of my life back. I consider myself suitably punished for watching one of his stupid Bergman knockoffs. 

***

[it is the late 70s in a NYC that has NEVER EXISTED]

Geraldine Page: I am white.

Diane Keaton: I am also white.

Mary Beth Hurt: I join you in your whiteness.

Sam Waterston: I am also white and my hair will be whiter still someday. 

The Dad: Hello, my white family. I am leaving your mother to continue to be white elsewhere. But I will not divorce her, to keep up WASP appearances.

Geraldine Page: I am heartbroken but I will do no more than slightly grimace. 

[she STARES at some VASES]

Geraldine Page: I have brought you one of my staring vases for your home. It is not white but beige, like everything that surrounds us. Beige is the white of browns. 

Mary Beth Hurt: May I take your beige coat, mother?

Geraldine Page: No need. I will go call your sister, who I like more than you, to see how she’s doing but mostly to talk about myself.

Diane Keaton: Hello, mother. You’ve interrupted my smoking and staring out a window, dressed in a full beige outfit, including sweater, shirt, other shirt, skirt, shoes, coat, hat and shoes.* It is always dark in my home.

Geraldine Page: So dark and so meaningful. 

[they STARE at their RESPECTIVE windows and WALLS for a WHILE]

Diane Keaton: My second book of poetry is difficult to write. I have to see my analyst.

Geraldine Page: Your father left me.

[they QUIETLY HANG UP]

Diane Keaton’s Husband: My second novel is difficult to write.

Everyone: Our problems are relatable. 

[Geraldine Page GOES HOME and CAREFULLY tapes up her DOORS and WINDOWS and TURNS on the GAS and it’s a BUMMER]

Mary Beth Hurt: You attempted suicide. Let’s definitely never talk about it again.

Geraldine Page: I apologize. I felt sad and powerless, much less white than usual.

[she GOES to a CHURCH with her ESTRANGED HUSBAND]

The Dad: I want a real divorce, I think.

[she SCREAMS and KNOCKS over a BUNCH of CANDLES and it was SO LOUD cause I had the VOLUME turned up SO HIGH because all these WHITE PEOPLE can’t SPEAK above a WHISPER]

Another Sister Who Has Never Been Mentioned: I am home from being a movie star, which impresses literally none of you.

Everyone: We are so pretentious that being a movie star seems gross. 

[they GO to the FAMILY BEACH HOUSE to REMIND us that BEING WHITE/BEIGE is HARD]

The Dad: Hello, daughters and various sons-in-law. I have met a woman that, while white, is a lot more normal than your weird-ass mom.

Maureen Stapleton: HELLO EVERYONE! SO NICE TO MEET YOU! WHAT A LOVELY FAMILY! THIS DINNER IS DELICIOUS! YOUR FATHER LOVES DANCING! DO YOU LIKE MY RED DRESS?

Mary Beth Hurt + Diane Keaton aka Beige and Beiger: This is the most disgusting human being I have ever met. 

[they are SUCH BITCHES to her for NO REASON]

Maureen Stapleton: IT’S OK, DEAR, THEY ARE JUST SAD ABOUT THE DIVORCE! I’M UNDERSTANDING!

[she ACCIDENTALLY BREAKS the BEIGE vase in a SYMBOLIC GESTURE]

Mary Beth Hurt: You vulgarian! That’s right, I said it! The cruelest words a WASP could ever speak.

[this SHOCKING DISPLAY of  EMOTION sends EVERYONE to SMOKE and STARE in their RESPECTIVE rooms]

The Movie Star Sister: Hello, Diane Keaton’s husband. I’m just hanging in the garage for no reason. You seem menacingly drunk rather than just white-people silently-sulking drunk.

[he TRIES to RAPE her in SILENCE and it’s FUCKING HORRIBLE and NEVER SPOKEN OF again]

Geraldine Page: I have come to the beach house in the middle of the night to skulk around in a deranged yet dignified way.

Mary Beth Hurt: Mother, why don’t you love me? 

Geraldine Page: [LITERALY WALKS DIRECTLY INTO THE OCEAN]

Mary Beth Hurt: [SILENTLY ATTEMPTS TO SAVE HER]

Sam Waterston: [SILENTLY SAVES MARY BETH HURT]

Maureen Stapleton: [SILENTLY GIVES MBH CPR]

Mary Beth Hurt: I am alive. Mother is dead.

Diane Keaton: Yes. Let us gaze out of this window.

The Movie Star Sister: Let me get in on that.

[they STARE at NOTHING and then place WHITE ROSES on Geraldine Page’s SHINY COFFIN because even in DEATH, COLOR would be TOO VULGAR]

*I'm not kidding, every stich of clothing on these peoples' bodies was beige. This movie was brought to you by Big Beige. But it worked cause now I have like four beige sweaters in my Banana Republic cart. 

Gentleman's Agreement

You know, while I blow it some grief for being rather ham-fisted in its approach, I do have to give this movie props for attempting to take on an absolutely enormous issue like five minutes after the greatest human rights atrocity in modern history. I don't find it to be entirely successful, but the attempt is very admirable. Also Gregory Peck is a smokeshow, which is basically why I watched it, TBH. 

***

[It is 1948, maybe too CLOSE to the war for this movie to HAVE the proper perspective]

Gregory Peck: Well son, we live in New York now. Daddy’s been hired to write for a magazine. It’s sad that your mom is dead.

Freckle-Faced Son: Sure is, pops!

Gregory Peck’s Mom: Good thing I’m here to take care of you two knuckleheads! 

Gregory Peck: Time to go to work!

His Editor: Say, I’ve got a crackerjack assignment for you. I think we should write about antisemitism. It’s a hot-button issue.

Gregory Peck: Yeah, since the Holocaust literally JUST happened!

20th Century Fox: DON’T MENTION THE HOLOCAUST, LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

[Gregory Peck GOES to a party where he MEETS the editor’s niece Kathy, who in the GRAND TRADITION of old movies could be ANYWHERE from 25 to 55 BASED on general styling]

Kathy: Well hi there. I suggested that my uncle run the piece on antisemitism. Let’s fall in love, shall we?

Gregory Peck: And how!

[they are INSTANTLY in love for no REASON I can UNDERSTAND]

Freckle-Face Son: Hey Pops, what’s antisemitism? 

Gregory Peck: Hmm. I cannot explain this easily to you, so I must take the assignment. But I can’t find the angle! 

[he PACES around his apartment in a three-inch-long tie]

Gregory Peck: If only my old childhood chum Dave could help me! He’s way Jewish. But he is at Army. 

[he WRITES Dave a letter while REFLECTING on the fact that Dave doesn’t LOOK all that Jewish or something which GIVES him a great idea]

Gregory Peck: I know! I’ll live as a Jewish man for six months. And by “live as” I mean I’ll just sort of sternly tell people I’m Jewish after they’ve said something offensive and temporarily change my name to Greenstein. Then I’ll know everything. 

Mom: [NODS wisely]

Gregory Peck: Now, to begin my life as a Jewish man. 

Kathy: I'm so proud of you! But wait, just to confirm, you’re not...REALLY Jewish are you?

[she SHRINKS away ever so SLIGHTLY for foreshadowing]

Gregory Peck: Huh.

[it is the OFFICE]

Gregory Peck: Secretary, I want you to write two letters to an employment agency – one from a real red-blooded American name and one from a stereotypically Jewish name. Let’s see which one gets an interview.

June Havoc, aka Dainty June from Gypsy: Hey, that’s what I did to get this job. I am secretly Jewish. Gross, right?

Gregory Peck: So am I! 

[various people are CAGILY anti-Semitic in a “wink wink” kind of WAY while Peck RESPONDS in his STERN Atticus Finch VOICE]

Celeste Holm: Here I am, a fabulous fashion editor awash in hats and quips. Let’s have a martini! I couldn't care less that you are Jewish, you handsome, handsome man.

Kathy: But I kind of do! Even though I know you are not. We got engaged somewhere in here, I guess and I don’t want you to continue your experiment at the party my WASP sister is throwing for us. It’s just TOO REAL. 

[they HAVE the first of many FIGHTS]

John Garfield: It’s me, Dave, your token Jewish friend, here to visit and be surprisingly cool with your mildly offensive journalism gimmick. I shall tell you what it is like to be Jewish.

[he LAYS IT OUT and also FIGHTS yet another anti-Semitic piece of SHIT at a restaurant]

Celeste Holm: You two Jewish boys are all right! 

Freckle-Face Son: Say pop, are we Jewish? 

Gregory Peck: Kind of?

Freckle-Face Son: Okey dokey, I guess. 

Gregory Peck: Hey honey, my old pal Dave and his family need a place to stay. People won’t rent to his family because he truly has to live life as a Jewish man in 1948 and isn’t on some Tyra Banks-esque lark. Can they live in your family’s empty country home for a while?

Kathy: They wouldn’t understand! They WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND!

Gregory Peck: The fuck?

[they BREAK UP maybe? but he still GOES for his journalist EXPERIMENT to the place where they were going to HONEYMOON because apparently they don’t ADMIT Jews]

Gregory Peck: Do you or do you not accept Jews?!*

Hotel Manager: [STARES impassively]

Freckle-Face Son: Pop, some boys from school chased me and called me dirty words because I am maybe Jewish. Why would they do that to me? Why, Pop?

[it is LEGITIMATELY sad]

Kathy: No, Billy, no! You’re no more Jewish than I!*

Gregory Peck: What the FUCK.

[they BREAK UP for real, FINALLY]

Celeste Holm: I know it’s not my place, but I don’t think Kathy is the right woman for you. She's clearly a bigot and her hats aren't even that cute. 

[her eyes GLISTEN with UNREQUITED LOVE tears]

The Editor: What a page-turner, Peck! You really outdid yourself.

Dainty June: Whaaaa? You’re not Jewish?! But I thought you were a [insert terrible slur] like me!

Gregory Peck: Look at me! Don’t I have the same face, the same hands as I did when you thought I was Jewish?*

[he MANSPLAINS antisemitism, to her, a Jewish person]

Kathy: I’m not an anti-Semite, right John Garfield?

John Garfield: No, not outright, but when people make terrible jokes do you say something? Do you stand up for people when they are discriminated against? The worst kind of people are the nice people who do nothing.

[I NOD along, ASHAMED of myself for the JOKES I have made whilst WRITING this]

Kathy: I’ve been so wrong! Gregory Peck, I’m sorry. Your Jewish friend can live in our family home. 

Gregory Peck: Hooray! We are in love again.

Celeste Holm: I guess I’ll just win an Oscar for this movie. I mean, I was fine in it. 

[antisemitism is SOLVED thanks to one BRAVE WASP]

*actual line from movie

Anna Karenina (2012)

Have you guys ever noticed how much Keira Knightley gasps in movies? Seriously, it's a thing. She's like a skittish deer, constantly being happened upon and shrieking. I had a roommate like that once and it was annoying as hell. Look alive, Knightley! 

***

[it is IMPERIALIST RUSSIA, but also a giant THEATER because this MOVIE is HIGH-CONCEPT]

Matthew McFayden: It's me, Sexy Darcy! I grew a hilarious mustache and have strayed from my loyal wife. Little do I know the eventual tragic consequences of my wandering wang.
His Wife: [SOBS HYSTERICALLY]
[he WRITES a LETTER to his BELOVED SISTER to ASK her to come and CHILL OUT his wife]
Keira Knightley: Oh, that scamp! Husband, may I go?
Jude Law: Yes, but I and my receding hairline disapprove.
[she BOARDS a TRAIN bound for MOSCOW, where the THEATER concept is USED CREATIVELY]
Matthew McFayden: Why it's my dear friend, country bumpkin Levin! What brings you to town, old chum?
Domhal Gleeson: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW AND MUST DECLARE MY INTENTIONS, THOUGH LOVE IS PROVINCIAL.
Matthew McFayden: Splendid! But I must warn you, she is in love with a hunk.
Domnhal Gleeson: I MUST SHOW HER MY LOVE AND ALSO MY WIG.
[meanwhile, Keira Knightley GETS OFF the TRAIN and CATCHES a GLIMPSE of an OFFICER in the BLONDEST, CURLIEST WIG ever COMMITTED to film]
Keira Knightley: Gasp! I'm intrigued. But first I must shame my sister-in-law into forgiving my brother.
[she DOES, kind of]
Matthew McFayden: Hurrah! Let's all go to a ball!
Domhal Gleeson: HELLO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, WILL YOU MARRY ME.
Alicia Vikander: Sorry, but no.
Domhal Gleeson: NOW I WILL REJECT ALL FEELINGS AND GO TEND THE FIELDS OF RUSSIA FOREVERMORE.
[the theater OPENS up to SAID FIELDS, kinda DESTROYING the MOVIE'S theater-logic, but it is BEAUTIFUL anyway]
Alicia Vikander: There's my suitor with the flaxen curls! Wait, where is he going?

Count "Original Ramen" Vronsky: I noticed you from across the room, Keira Knightley. Let us dance.
[they do a WEIRD, arm-centric DANCE as the room SPINS FRANTICALLY]
Keira Knightley: Gasp again! My feelings!
[she GAZES in the MIRROR and IMAGINES a FORESHADOWING locomotive RACING at her]
Keira Knightley: Thus begins my storyline, just 20 minutes into the movie.
Count "Platinum Labradoodle" Vronsky: I have followed you to St. Petersburg because I love you. Such is the power of arm-dancing.
Keira Knightley: Do not pursue me at every social event!
[he DOES]
Jude Law: Your not-so-furtive glances at 2002 Justin Timberlake are attracting attention from society.
Keira Knightley: I don't know what you're talking about!
[she GOES to Count "Young Amy March" Vronsky's HOUSE and they BONE]
Keira Knightley: Finally I know happiness! Let us liaise all over St. Petersburg!
[there are MANY super-tight SHOTS of their WIGS TANGLING mid-LOVEMAKING]
Count "But Why is it SO Blonde" Vronsky: I shall race for you, my lady, on my beloved horse.
[he CARESSES the Horse's FLANKS for TOO LONG]
Lady Mary Crawley and that Lady from "The Affair": You are scandalous, Keira, and we love it.
[Count "I Might Be Hot But There’s No Getting Past This" Vronsky FALLS off his HORSE and he has to SHOOT it and it is the most UPSETTING thing to HAPPEN thus far]
Keira Knightley: NOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone: O.M.G.
Jude Law: You have shamed me publicly. I'm furious but my voice will never raise above a whisper.
Keira Knightley: Well, I'm pregnant and it's not yours, because you insist on using a weird 1890s condom.
Jude Law: If only it was 1998. My golden curls would have wiped the goddamn floor with Time-Traveling Spencer Pratt over there. This cuts the deepest.

[he TOUCHES his BALD HEAD sadly]

Jude Law: You are depraved* and can no longer see your son that you never really saw anyway.
Keira Knightley: I am distraught! Also I think that Count "Mama Rose and her Hollywood Blondes" Vronsky is cheating on me!
[she STARTS to DIE in CHILDBIRTH for ATTENTION but is EVENTUALLY fine and has her BABY]
Meanwhile in SUBPLOT-LAND...
Domhal Gleeson: I HAVE TRIED TO SOOTHE MY ANGUISH WITH GRAIN THRASHING BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH. I MUST GO AND TRY TO WIN ALICIA VIKANDER’S HEART AGAIN.
Alicia Vikander: I was a foolish child to love Season Two Felicity instead of you.
[they VISIT and PLAY some kind of SCRABBLE game with GIANT blocks for like, EVER, and I GUESS they AGREE to get MARRIED]
Keira Knightley: I want to rejoin society. I'm not ashamed of what I've done, though I've spent the last 20 minutes of this film weeping.
Count "I'm Just...I'm Out of Ways to Describe it" Vronsky: Yeah...you’re teetering on the edge at all times so maybe that’s not the best idea.
Keira Knightley: I KNEW IT, YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME.
[she IMAGINES him BONING Cara Delevingne, who’s is RANDOMLY in this MOVIE]
Keira Knightley: There is only one way to be at peace.
[she WALKS in SUPER-SLOW MOTION through the THEATER because OH RIGHT, this is in a THEATER and THROWS herself under a TRAIN]
Everyone: [SADNESS MONTAGE]
[a BE-HATTED Jude Law SITS in a FLOWER FIELD while his son and Keira's SCANDAL daughter PLAY]
Director Joe Wright: My concept was amazing until it wasn't. Hope you enjoyed the wig parade.

*actual line from movie

A Single Man

[it is 1962]
Colin Firth: Every morning I get up. And I do a bunch of things that one does in the morning. And it is all shot very beautifully. But it does not matter, because my partner of 16 years is dead. And I want to die too.
[he goes about his BUSINESS, but in a BEAUTIFUL way]
Colin Firth: Class, let's talk about invisible minorities. This is my way of secretly telling you I am gay.
Full-Lipped Student: I respond to your secretiveness, and your gayness.
[Colin Firth DRIVES past his NEIGHBOR'S house in SLOW-MOTION and pretends to shoot their son]
Jon Hamm (on phone): Hi. This is a flashback to when you found out your lover was killed in a car accident. Since it's 1962, you can't come to the funeral, which seriously sucks. Sorry.
[it is SERIOUSLY HEARTBREAKING because Colin Firth is GOOD at ACTING]
Colin Firth: I guess I'll kill myself.
[he lays his BELONGINGS out in an ORDERLY, BEAUTIFUL manner]
Julianne Moore: Are you coming over? I just spent like 20 minutes doing my eye makeup.
[there is a CLOSEUP of her EYE for like LITERALLY TWO MINUTES which is actually a REALLY LONG TIME to look at an EYE]
Colin Firth: Yes. I 'll bring the gin. I need to be drunk, because I'm going to kill myself.
Hot Latin Man: Sorry. I broke the gin you just bought. Let's share a cigarette and some longing looks.
Colin Firth: Okay, but I am too sad to make out with you, though you are literally a supermodel.
Hot Latin Man: Let us look at this beautiful sky. Notice how the lighting is incredibly gorgeous.
[there is a CLOSEUP of his EYE]
Julianne Moore: You got here! Look how gorgeous my hair is! I'm so brash! Let's dance around and almost bone, but not, because a) you are gay and b) you are sad.
[there is a FLASHBACK of his HOT DEAD LOVER]
Colin Firth: Okay, but I really need to go kill myself now.
[there is a CLOSEUP of a FLASHBACK of an EYE]
Colin Firth: All right, Colin, old chap. Let's take care of this business.
[he TRIES to shoot himself but CANNOT, so he gets into a SLEEPING BAG because he thinks it will be EASIER or something]
Colin Firth: Okay, that's not working. Better go to the bar.
Full-Lipped Student: Hey. I've been stalking you.
[there is a CLOSEUP of his EYE]
Colin Firth: Oh. That's not weird. I hope you think I'm cool.
Full-Lipped Student: Let's go swimming.
[they DO, and it is BEAUTIFULLY MOONLIT, until Colin Firth BANGS his HEAD]
Full-Lipped Student: Oh. You're hurt. I guess we won't bone.
[there is a BLURRY FLASHBACK that is BEAUTIFUL]
Colin Firth: No, not this time, friend. Looks like I'm going to die. I guess that's what I wanted.
[he DIES and it is KIND of SAD but ALSO BEAUTIFUL]

The Squid and the Whale

[it is PARK SLOPE in 1986]
Little Brother: It's me and mom against you and dad.*
Big Brother: Thanks for that heavy-handed introduction, bro. Now we know what's going to happen to all us privileged white people.
Laura Linney: We're getting a divorce and your dad is moving across the park. Where the houses are more dilapidated.
Jeff Daniels: Don't worry, boys, I'll still love you as much as I ever did, which is to say: only when you're doing something to please me, like pretending to like the same pretentious books as I do and excelling at tennis.
Big Brother: Now that I understand that your love is based on my actions and not unconditional, I will try to be more like you, which is to say: I will be a terrible person.
[he acts PRETENTIOUS but still gets a GIRLFRIEND]
Jeff Daniels: She's not pretty enough.
Anna Paquin: But I am, right?
[she PRANCES AROUND in her SHORT SHORTS]
Laura Linney: Listen, boys. Allow me to tell you far too much about my marriage to your father. That's what good rich white parents do, right? Overcommunicate?
Little Brother: [JERKS OFF at school, smears JIZZ on some girl's locker, and gets DRUNK at HOME ALONE]
Big Brother: I wrote this song totally myself! Like, completely on my own.
[he plays HEY YOU by Pink Floyd and it's like DUDE. did you REALLY think people would NOT NOTICE]
Laura Linney: Fuck. We have fucked up our children.
Billy Baldwin: Don't worry, I'll teach them tennis. And also date you.
Jeff Daniels: He's a philistine! How can you be with him??
Little Brother: I like him. Probably because he's the opposite of you, dad, you fucker.
Jeff Daniels: Gahhhhhh your yelling has given me a heart attack or something!
[he FALLS DOWN in the ROAD]
Big Brother: So...I guess this means my parents are human? I'm going to go scare myself by looking at the squid fighting the whale in the American Museum of Natural History.
[he DOES, and it is PENSIVE]

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

[it is NEW JERSEY]
Michael Cera: I'm sensitive and hairless! I have so many indie rock band posters on my walls that they are actually part of the structural integrity of my home! Whyyyyyyy did you break up with me, Bitchy Girlfriend?!?!
[he MOPES and is INDIE]
Bitchy Girlfriend: Ugh, my stupid ex made me another fucking mix CD.
Kat Dennings: But the mix CDs are so good!
[she RETRIEVES it from the TRASH because she is also SUPER INDIE]
Kat Dennings' Friend: OMG, Where's Fluffy, the high-concept band we love, is playing tonight somewhere in Manhattan! But we don't know where! Let's go on a multi-borough adventure to find them, as that is their concept - you never know where they'll play! How indie!
Kat Dennings: Promise you won't get drunk, though you always do?
Kat Dennings' Friend: Promise!
[she gets SO FUCKING DRUNK]
Michael Cera's Gay Bandmates: Come on, dude! Where's Fluffy is playing! It's gonna be an all-night adventure!
[obviously, they START at the SAME PLACE that Kat Dennings and her FRIEND do]
Bitchy GF: Ugh, here alone again, lame-o?
Kat Dennings: Uh...no! I'm here with my...boyfriend! Who is right over...there!
[she RANDOMLY picks Michael Cera because he looks UNTHREATENING and ATTRACTIVE to YOUNG WOMEN and KISSES him]
Bitchy GF: Whaaaaaaaaaa?
Michael Cera: Whaaaaaaaaaa?
Michael Cera's Gay Bandmates: Awesome! Now he can focus on another girl besides that bitch!!
[Michael Cera has a MEMORY or perhaps FANTASY about the Bitchy GF with a DUSTY SPRINGFIELD song]
Michael Cera: I'll never get over her! I'm too sensitive!
Kat Dennings' Friend: I'm so drunk!!
[she FALLS because of the DRUNKNESS]
Michael Cera's Gay Bandmates: Look, dude, we'll take the drunky, you go with this new hot girl and find Fluffy!!
Michael Cera and Kat Dennings: Uh...okay.
[they sit AWKWARDLY in his CAR and listen to a MIX CD he made]
Michael Cera [on CD, weeping]: So that's it, that's the breakup CD I made for you.*
Michael Cera: That's...not even real.*
[they DRIVE AROUND MANHATTAN in his YUGO and are INDIE FLIRTING and get mistaken for a CAB]
Michael Cera's Gay Bandmates: Dude, we lost the drunk girl.
Kat Dennings: Shit! Now our adventure to find Fluffy is an adventure to find my friend! Will this night get any crazier?!?!
[Kat Dennings' Friend goes to PORT AUTHORITY and BARFS in the TOILET, then drops her PHONE in the BARF, then drops her GUM in the BARF, then FISHES them out and USES the phone and CHEWS the GUM and it is GROSSSSSSSSS]
Kat Dennings: Well, I guess my friend is lost forever. We might as well go to Brooklyn Pool, where I will be able to easily get in ahead of the line, though I am 18. Perhaps there is something about me that you do not know.
[they go to UNION POOL, which is a REAL BAR that I have BEEN TO, but for some reason call it BROOKLYN POOL, probably so everyone knows they're in BROOKLYN]
Jay Baruchel: Sup, pretty lady!
[he FRENCHES her]
Michael Cera: Now I am sad.
[they THINK Where's Fluffy is there, but it is a TRICK and the HUNT is still ON]
Kat Dennings' Friend: I see Jesus! I see Jesus! And an altar boy with no pants!
Michael Cera's Gay Bandmates: She must be at that gay Christmas-themed burlesque show, obviously!
[they FIND her, FINALLY, and take her HOME]
Bitchy GF: Hi! I'm sitting on the hood of your car to show that I want to be back with you, which I didn't realize until I saw you with that other girl. Also, Kat Dennings, I heard you can't have an orgasm, because high school girls are totally known for their ability to orgasm.
Kat Dennings: I am shamed!
Michael Cera: I guess I'll go back to that bitch.
[everyone is SAD and INDIE]
Bitchy GF: Now I will dance to "You Sexy Thing" in an abandoned parking lot. This is the least indie thing ever.
[Michael Cera REMEMBERS how Kat Dennings is WAY BETTER than the Bitchy GF via a SINGLE MEMORY when he tousled her HAIR]
Michael Cera: Bitchy GF never lets me tousle her hair! I will just leave her in this abandoned parking lot.
[he DOES, and she is PISSED]
Kat Dennings: Sigh. I guess I'll just hook up with my stupid ex.
Jay Baruchel: Thanks, babe. I am not using you for your dad's music industry connections AT ALL.
[he TOTALLY is, and she FINALLY gets it]
Michael Cera: Sorry I was an ass.
Kat Dennings: Sorry we sort of hated each other, but then didn't. Here, have a pierogi.
[they SIT at VESELKA, which is DELICIOUS]
Kat Dennings: I know! Let's go somewhere secret.
[they go to her DAD'S MUSIC STUDIO because LO AND BEHOLD he is some sort of PRODUCER with CLOUT and has pictures with, like, ROCK STARS]
Kat Dennings: Yup. My dad's famous. Wanna lay down some tracks?
Michael Cera: Do I ever!!! But by "tracks," I hope you mean "you," because I would like to make out with you.
[they HAVE SEX, I guess, because she has an ORGASM which is RECORDED by the MIXING BOARD]
Michael Cera's Gay Bandmates: We found Fluffy! Let's go!!!
[they go to a ROOF somewhere in the EAST 60s and ALL the CHARACTERS are there a la a SHAKESPEARE PLAY when everything gets WRAPPED UP]
Kat Dennings: Ugh, these other characters are lame. Let's go.
[they go to PENN STATION, literally the LEAST ROMANTIC PLACE EVER]
Kat Dennings: Are you sad that you missed it?*
Michael Cera: I didn't miss it. This is it.*
[they get all INDIE and KISS on an ESCALATOR]

Pride and Prejudice (2005)

[it is OLD-TIMEY ENGLAND]
Keira Knightley: I have so many sisters! We're poor! Kind of! My mom is annoying! Let's go to a ball!
[they DO, and see a NEW GUY IN TOWN and his SURLY FRIEND]
Jane Bennett: Ooh, that new guy is cute, and his hair is taller and redder than Conan O'Brien's, but I am very shy. Fortunately, we can dance austerely and flirt in an extremely subtle manner.
Keira Knightley: Yeah, but his friend sure seems mad about something.
Mr. Darcy: Though I am a sexy amalgam of Alan Rickman, John Cusack, and Ewan McGregor, I am not Colin Firth. Minus 50 Brood Points!
[he BROODS in a SUBPAR way and INSULTS people]
Mrs. Bennett: We gotta get Jane married to the new guy in town! I have the perfect plan! We'll make her ride a horse in the rain and catch a really bad fever in a time period where people literally die of fever! Then she'll have to stay over! BEST PLAN EVER!
Keira Knightley: My mother is an idiot.
[she WALKS over there to RESCUE Jane and runs into Mr. Darcy again and they GLARE at each other in a SEXY MANNER]
Mr. Collins: Hi. I'm here to marry one of you. Any of you, really. I'm too short to get a wife any other way.
Keira Knightley: Ew.
[there is ANOTHER BALL because RICH PEOPLE love BALLS]
Lydia: OMG WICKHAM IS SO CUTE AND I LOVE SOLDIERS!!
Wickham: Your sister is really annoying. But you are hot. Also, Mr. Darcy was mean to me in the past, so if you hear him talking shit about me, that's why. Just FYI.
Keira Knightley: Now I hate that prideful, prejudicial creep even more!!
Miss Bingley: Those Bennetts are gross. Let's go away from here.
[they all BOUNCE and Jane's hopes are DASHED]
Charlotte Lucas: So...I'm old and ugly, apparently, even though I'm 27 and kind of cute in a quirky way, so I'm going to marry your gross cousin.
Keira Knightley: Ew!
[she goes to VISIT them and meets Lady Catherine and is SASSY to her and WALKS some more]
Mr. Darcy: I like how you sassed my aunt.
[they RUN to a GAZEBO in the RAIN to make the next scene MORE DRAMATIC]
Mr. Darcy: So...even though you're poor, and your family is totally embarrassing, will you marry me?
Keira Knightley: Uh...no. Ass.
[he writes her a LETTER because ALL COMMUNICATION was LETTER-BASED in olden times]
Mr. Darcy (in the letter): I didn't do any of the bad things you said I did. For reals. Also, Wickham is a jackass, even if he does have a long, lustrous ponytail.
Keira Knightley: [GAZES INTENSELY to show how she FEELS]
[she goes on a TRIP with her AUNT and UNCLE and they stop at Darcy's HUGE-ASS HOUSE]
Keira Knightley: Wow, he has a lot of marble statues...nude ones, at that. I shall gaze at the marble nudeness for a good long while.
Mr. Darcy: Oh. Hey. You're here. Uh...this is awkward.
Keira Knightley: Uh...yeah. Bye.
[she gets a LETTER from Jane that says that their SLUTTY SISTER has run off with Wickham and is RUINED]
Keira Knightley: This is literally the worst thing that can happen! Oh, how society shapes our lives!!
[she goes HOME and Lydia comes back MARRIED to Wickham]
Lydia: Ha ha! I'm married now! Suckaaaaas! Don't tell anyone, but Mr. Darcy basically paid Wickham to marry me.
Keira Knightley: So many feelings!! I shall gaze some more!! Emote! Emote!
Some Random: Mr. Bingley's back!
Jane: Whatevs. I'm sooooo over him.
[he PROPOSES]
Jane: I'm sooooo marrying him.
[Lady Catherine comes to the BENNETT HOUSE in the MIDDLE of the NIGHT, which is TOTALLY WEIRD]
Lady Catherine: Don't marry my nephew!
Keira Knightley: My character has been developed as a woman who will not obey the rules of society! Mostly! I reject your request!
[she TRIES to sleep but CAN'T, so she goes for a WALK and sees Mr. Darcy STROLLING through the MORNING MIST]
Mr. Darcy: So...all that stuff I said before? Still on the table.
Keira Knightley: Awesome.
Mr. Bennett: But...you hate him.
Keira Knightley: No, I love him.
Mr. Bennett: Oh. Well, okay. That explains everything.
[they sit on a BARGE or something with CANDLES and LOOK at each other]
Keira Knightley: You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy" when you are supremely, incandescently happy.
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES one part of her BODY]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES another part of her BODY]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES yet ANOTHER part of her BODY]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES yet ANOTHER part of her BODY]
Audience: Oh my god, seriously, stop.
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.

Guest Post: High Fidelity

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that both frequent contributor Laura and I have a complex relationship with Cusack. Sort of like the relationships he has with all women in a classic man-child Cusack role in the mostly-faithful-but-moved-stateside adaptation of Nick Hornby's lovely novel. In terms of Nick Hornby stateside adaptations, though, you could do worse (see: Fever Pitch).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is CHICAGO, not LONDON]

John Cusack: Depressed. So depressed. Plus superior to all others. Why do women leave me?

[his current GIRLFRIEND takes her STUFF and LEAVES him]

John Cusack: I shall ponder my love life via my favorite man-child activity - making a Top Five list.

[he LISTS the FIVE great LOVES/BREAKUPS of his LIFE]

[It is the PAST]

Little John Cusack: Hey, girls are everywhere! And they have boobs!

[he SEES his GIRLFRIEND MAKING OUT with some other KID]

His Friend: Slut.*

[it is the PRESENT]

Jack Black: Check me out in my breakout performance! Wooo! Your music sucks, douchebag!! I'm so much smarter than all of you!! WOOOO!

Todd Louiso: So awkward! So cute, but so awkward!

[he SKULKS around AWKWARDLY]

John Cusack: Grump grump. I own a record store. Isn't that appropriate?

[he MOPES around some more, WHILST listening to OBSCURE music on VINYL that we LAME PEOPLE wouldn't UNDERSTAND]

John Cusack: I shall go to the Double Door. Perhaps that will cure my sadness.

Denise Huxtable: [SINGS a SLOW JAM]

John Cusack: Is that Peter fucking Frampton?*

[they DO IT]

John Cusack: Though I got it on with that hot chick, I cannot forget my vaguely Icelandic, bad-acting girlfriend.

[his GIRLFRIEND comes over and MINDFUCKS him for a WHILE, whilst ACTING POORLY]

Joan Cusack: Hey, brot- I mean, boyfriend of my friend. Sorry she dumped you. I don't even like that Ian guy she left you for.

John Cusack: WHAT IAN GUY???? That creep who used to live above me??

[he has FANTASIES about his GIRLFRIEND doing it with a GRAY-PONYTAILED Tim Robbins]

John Cusack: I must find ex-girlfriend Catherine Zeta-Jones. She will give me the answers to why all women leave me! Plus, she was hot and awesome.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Hey, what's up? I'm a total yuppie bitch now.

[she SNAPS her FINGERS in a CONDESCENDING way]

John Cusack: NOOOOO! Lili Taylor will have the answers. She wrote songs about Joe! She understands heartache!

Lili Taylor: My meds aren't working. Allow me to attempt to seduce you in a heartbreaking manner.

John Cusack: Aaaa! Women!

His Girlfriend: Hey, here I am again. Just hanging around your house. I need to pick up more stuff, as I seem to have more stuff than anyone in the world.

[she makes BEDROOM EYES at him]

John Cusack: I hate my life!!

His Girlfriend: My dad died. I am miserable. Have sex with me in this car.

John Cusack: Um…okay. Are we back together?

His Girlfriend: Of course.

Audience: What is up with this girl?

John Cusack: I am having a concert to promote these kids whose album I produced. It was a subplot.

Jack Black: Can my band play? We're called Sonic Death Monkey.*

John Cusack: God, no!

His Girlfriend: Jack Black's band is playing!

John Cusack: Nooooo!

[the BAND plays, and is AWESOME, although they are no TENACIOUS D]

John Cusack: I'm going to make my girlfriend a mix tape. I'm…happy…now?

The Age of Innocence

So I was perusing some blog entries from 2003 while "working" today, and I found this little gem. It hearkens back to a time when these really were "ultra-condensed" and not just "condensed."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Narrator: Hey, audience, let me read to you directly from the novel, since the screenwriter was LAZY.

Daniel Day-Lewis: I am going to marry Winona Ryder, but I love her cousin, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Michelle Pfeiffer: I'm her cousin. I'm scandalous. Society shuns me.

Society: Shun! Shun! Shun!

Daniel Day-Lewis: I will marry Winona Ryder, but not before I kiss you, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Michelle Pfeiffer: Ok. But you better marry her.

[time goes forward]

Daniel Day-Lewis: I'm only 57.

Robert Sean Leonard: Mom's dead. Dad, let's go see your old flame.

Daniel Day-Lewis: That's okay, son, I'll wait on this bench.

THE END

There Will Be Blood

I liked this better than I thought I would, considering what I've heard about it. It is (as you may be able to tell from the length of this condensation) too long, and sags in a lot of places, but DDL on the crazy train is always fun to watch, and there are a surprising amount of hilarious (whether intentional or not) moments. John A, you were right!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 1898, and there are DISCORDANT STRINGS]
Daniel Day-Lewis: [MINES some SILVER all by HIMSELF and then FALLS into the MINE and breaks his LEG but still CLIMBS back up because he's HARD FUCKING CORE]
[it is 1902]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Now I have enough money to drill for oil.
[he RAISES one glorious OIL-COVERED HAND to the sky as if to say YEAH, BITCHES]
Dude With a Baby: [dots his baby's HEAD with OIL, then gets KILLED by FALLING TOOLS]
Daniel Day-Lewis: I shall adopt you as my son, baby. Yes, that's it, little one. Admire my voluminous mustache.
[it is 1911]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Good people of this town, I am an oilman. I would like to drill your town, but only if you want me to. Yes. YES! Clamor behind the camera! Focus on my face! MY FACE! Come, my son. Let us leave this place.
Paul Dano: Do you want me to tell you where to find some oil? I will. Just pay me and tell me what church you go to.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Church? I like 'em all. Yeah, they're all good.* Here's $500.
[DDL and his son go to the SUNDAY RANCH and pretend to hunt for QUAIL]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Do you have any bread?*
Mr. Sunday: No, but we have potatoes.*
Daniel Day-Lewis: Potatoes would be fine, thank you.*
Mr. Sunday: Oh, I wasn't actually offering--whatever, dude, just take the potatoes.
Daniel Day-Lewis: We would like to buy your ranch. For quail hunting. Only.
Paul Dano: Reaaaaaaally. What about the oil?????
Daniel Day-Lewis: Waaaaaait aaaaaa miiiinute. Aren't you...
Paul Dano: I'm his twin brother. That's the story I'm sticking with. You'll never really know if I'm actually a different guy. Now give me a bunch money so I can start a crazy church.
[he HEALS a woman's ARTHRITIS by the LAYING ON OF HANDS and also by lots of SHOUTING]
Paul Dano: All the armies of my boot will kick you in the teeth!!*
Daniel Day-Lewis: That was freaky.
Paul Dano: Listen, I really want to bless your oil rig. Will you let me?
Daniel Day-Lewis: Suuuuuuuuure.
[he lets the LITTLE SISTER do it INSTEAD because she is a VICTIM of ABUSE]
Paul Dano: He has publicly offended me. Now we shall battle.
[the OIL RIG goes up WITHOUT A HITCH until they hit some GAS and the SON is EXPLODED off the ROOF and goes DEAF]
Daniel Day-Lewis: My son, I shall carry you to the mess hall to the strains of every percussion instrument in the world. More drums!! More pots and pans!! I need percussion!!
Paul Dano: Hey, can I have my other $5000?
[DDL SLAPS him like a little BITCH and beats him FURIOUSLY and puts MUD in his FACE and STEPS on him with his HOT HIPSTER BOOTS]
Paul Dano: My father is stupid!!
[he beats his FATHER, because EVERYONE gets BEATEN in this movie]
DDL's Brother: Hey. I'm your brother. From another mother.*
Daniel Day-Lewis: Really??
DDL'S Brother: Look at my voluminous mustache! Of course I am your brother, from Fond du Lac!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Of course. Let me tell you my secrets by the light of this campfire.
[his SON tries to SET the brother on FIRE]
Daniel Day-Lewis: The best course of action here is probably to trick my son into getting on a train and sending him away. I'll do that.
Man from Standard Oil: Let me buy you out so you can take care of your son.
Daniel Day-Lewis: One night, I'm gonna come inside your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.*
Man from Standard Oil: What the fuck? We're outtie.
[he makes a DEAL with a different OIL COMPANY, who does NOT tell him how to raise his FAMILY, to build a PIPELINE, but they have to go through LAND he does not OWN]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Let us swim in the ocean, my brother! You...ARE my brother, right?
DDL's Brother: Uh...actually, I'm not. Your brother was my friend. And now I'm you're friend, right? Right????
[DDL shoots him in the HEAD and BURIES him]
Owner of Land: Hey. If you want to build your pipeline through my land, you have to join Crazy Church. You're a sinner. I know you are.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Fiiiiiiiine.
[he gets BAPTIZED and SHOUTS about how he ABANDONED his SON]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Bring my son back from the deaf school! Assuage my guilt!
His Son: [SIGNS something]
Daniel Day-Lewis: I refuse to learn your crazy, hand-flapping language. But I do love you. I guess I'll just start drinking to deal with it.
[it is 1927]
Daniel Day-Lewis: [drunkenly SHOOTS some shit in his ENORMOUS MANSION, which has an actual BOWLING ALLEY in it]
His Son: [SIGNS something]
Interpreter: I want to go to Mexico with my wife, the little girl from the ranch, and start my own business.
Daniel Day-Lewis: SAY IT! SPEAK OUT LOUD!!!
His Son: I want to go to Mexico.
Daniel Day-Lewis: You're not my son. No, seriously. I found you in a basket. BASTARD IN A BASKET!!! BASTARD IN A BASKET!!!!!*
[his son LEAVES because he can TELL that this is the part where DDL REALLY gets on the CRAZY TRAIN]
Paul Dano: Hey. I have a deal for you. Do you want to get the oil that's under the land you didn't buy, but just put a pipeline through?
Daniel-Day Lewis: There's no oil under that land.
Paul Dano: But...you never tapped it.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Drainage! Drainage, Eli! Drained dry, you boy! If YOU have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and I have a straw and my straw reeeeeeeeaches across the room and starts to drink YOUR milkshake. I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT UP!!*
[he THROWS some BOWLING BALLS at him and CHASES him and then finally BEATS him to DEATH with a BOWLING PIN]
Daniel-Day Lewis: I'm finished.* I'm going back to being a shoemaker's apprentice.

Atonement

[it is ENGLAND between the WARS]
Briony: Mother, I've written a play. Please note how precocious I am.
Her Mother: Yes, darling. It's lovely. I'm going to have a lie-down because it's hot and I'm rich.
Briony: Sister dear, I've written a play.
Keira Knightley: Lovely. Let's lie on the grass. It's so hot. So very hot, and so meaningful.
Briony: Cousins, I've written a play. Won't anyone notice how good a writer I am???
Annoying Twin Redheaded Cousins: Booooo! We don't like plays!!
Briony: Surely my beloved brother Leon will notice. I wish he would get here.
[she goes to her ROOM and GAZES out the WINDOW with INTENSITY and sees her sister STRIP to her undies and DIVE into the FOUNTAIN right in front of James McAvoy]
Briony: He's not worthy to see my sister's...indecent places. My adolescent mind is spinning!
[time REWINDS so we can see ANOTHER VERSION of the SAME SCENE, which is TOTALLY DEEP]
Keira Knightley: Hello. I have a vase and some flowers. They represent something.
James McAvoy: Yes. Let me help you with them.
[he BREAKS the vase and a piece FALLS into the FOUNTAIN, which prompts her to DIVE in and RESCUE them]
Keira Knightley: I am scandalized, but attracted.
[Leon and his SKEEZY friend ARRIVE and everyone is HAPPY]
Skeezy Friend: Hey there, young redheaded cousin of my friend who is aptly named Lola. Want some? Chocolate, I mean? Nothing untoward here.
[he LOOKS at her GROSSLY]
Lola: Um...I guess.
Skeezy Friend: Bite it. You have to bite it.*
[elsewhere on the MANOR, while TYPEWRITER KEYS play in the DISTANCE]
James McAvoy: Today by the fountain...she was so beautiful...so ridiculously thin...so dripping wet. And I was such a boor. I shall write her a letter of apology whilst listening to some opera recordings.
Keira Knightley: How rude I was to him. I shall gaze at my beautiful self in this mirror from many angles, in many levels of focus, until I feel better.
[they both HANG OUT in their own ROOMS for a LONG TIME and James McAvoy writes a LETTER that says the word CUNT in it]
James McAvoy: Ha ha ha! I can't give that to her. I shall write a new letter, but I shall foolishly save this other one that says "cunt" in it. No tragic mix-ups could possibly occur.
[obviously, he CONFUSES them and gives the CUNT one to Briony, and she RUNS to the house to the strain of TYPEWRITER KEYS and READS it because she is a little SNOOP]
Briony: I am more scandalized! Lola, do you think he's a sex maniac?
Lola: Yes. You should take whatever action your jumped-to conclusions deem best.
[Briony DISCOVERS her sister DOING it with James McAvoy in the LIBRARY]
Keira Knightley: But that's not what happened!
[time REWINDS again, since PERSPECTIVE is a big THEME, or possibly MOTIF]
James McAvoy: Hi. Sorry about that letter. I'm not saying I don't want to kiss your cunt, but you really weren't supposed to see that.
Keira Knightley: I know. Please follow me to the library. I may seem cold now, but I am not.
[they PROCEED to have basically the HOTTEST SEX EVER against a stack of BOOKS and are DISCOVERED by Briony]
Briony: I don't understand! More jumped-to conclusions are in order!
[the TWINS go MISSING and everyone SEARCHES for them and Lola is ASSAULTED by an UNIDENTIFIED MAN]
Briony: I saw him! I SAW HIM! With my own eyes! This is in no way informed by the jealousy I feel towards my sister and her man!
[James McAvoy is ARRESTED and it is SHITTY]
Keira Knightley: Noooooooooooo!!!
[FOUR YEARS later]
James McAvoy: I know I look terrible because I am in a battle, but do I not fill out this Army uniform rather well? Now, let's have some French food and get to Dunkirk so we can get back home.
[SIX MONTHS earlier than that]
Keira Knightley: I love you. I know we just humped in the library before you went to prison, but really...I love you.
James McAvoy: Your love will sustain me when I ship out.
[it DOES, to SWELLING and ABRUPTLY ENDING music]
Briony: Won't you forgive me, my sister? I wrote you a letter. I'm really sorry about the whole sending your boyfriend to prison on false rape charges thing.
Keira Knightley: Well, I'll still hate you, but go ahead and recant if you like. I'll be here, wearing a man's bathrobe.
James McAvoy: I would really like to kill you, Briony, but I won't, for it would sully my good name.
[there is YET ANOTHER TIME SHIFT to earlier]
James McAvoy: Dunkirk suuuuuuucks. We gotta get off of this beach, man.
Comic Relief Dude: I say, let Germany HAVE France. God. I mean, we've got India and Africa. That's sufficient.
[an EXTREMELY LONG SHOT of Dunkirk is shown with a LOT of STUFF happening, such as a CHOIR and a MERRY-GO-ROUND]
James McAvoy: Let's rest here in this exploded church. I'm going to remember a time when I saved Briony from drowning for some reason, and also hallucinate about my mother cleaning my feet in soft focus. Let me be, please.
[there is another TIME SHIFT and I totally LOST the TIMELINE]
Briony: I must do penance for my actions as a child. I shall become a nurse.
[she NURSES a sick FRENCH SOLDIER who thinks she is his GIRLFRIEND and she is TRAUMATIZED because she thinks of her SISTER]
Briony: Will I never have peace for my sins????
[she RIDES the TUBE to the strains of TYPEWRITER KEYS]
Keira Knightley: This is earlier, back before James McAvoy went to prison. Everyone still with us? No? Well, whatever. I love him. I love you, okay?
James McAvoy: Yeah, I think we all got it.
[now Briony is OLD]
Vanessa Redgrave: The book I wrote about my sister and her boyfriend will be my last book, since I'm dying slowly from a series of small strokes. And I know in the book I said they ended up together at the end, but that was all a lie, since he died in France in the exploded church and she died in a Tube tunnel. So I never got forgiven, and they never got to be together. How's that for a downer?
[Keira Knightley and James McAvoy FROLIC on a FRENCH BEACH, presumably in a DREAM or Briony's MIND]

Girl With a Pearl Earring

[it is HOLLAND back in the DAY]
Scarlett Johansson's Blind Dad: Here's a tile I painted once. Sorry you have to go work as a maid.
[she goes to her NEW HOUSE, which has a MILLION KIDS in it]
Jolly, Plump Cook: Here's all the shit you have to do. Go sleep in the basement.
[Scarlett Johansson TOILS at housework whilst wearing a CAP]
Scarlett Johansson: Hello, Madam.
Lady of the House: Do not speak to me! I am pregnant with my 87th child, but am only 29! My icy beauty defeats your voluptuousness!! Go get me some meat.
Mean Child: Yeah, get us some meat!
[she goes to the MEAT STALL and shows that she means BUSINESS by SMELLING the meat]
Cillian Murphy: Hello there, maid. Do you like my long, luxurious locks? They are for you. As is my meat. Heh, heh.
[the Lady of the House has the BABY and IMMEDIATELY becomes PREGGERS again]
Jolly, Plump Cook: We have to throw a party for the new baby and the new painting. But be wary of that patron...he likes to get maids pregnant.
[they have a PARTY and it is FUN for everyone who is NOT a SERVANT]
Colin Firth: Though I am first billed, I have said very little to this point. I enjoy the way the light plays across your face as you clean the windows, maid.
[she is SKETCHED OUT but he is HOT and also has LONG, LUXURIOUS LOCKS]
Scarlett Johansson: I have work to do...but I do so love to learn about painting! I am so torn.
The Lady of the House: I am suspicious of you, but I do not know why.
[they have ANOTHER PARTY in which the PATRON treats Scarlett Johansson in a DISRESPECTFUL manner]
Colin Firth: I will not have that sort of behavior. I shall paint her...alone.
[they are ALONE in his STUDIO and it is SCANDALOUS]
Colin Firth: Take off your cap.
Scarlett Johansson: I can't!! I will make a turban out of these scraps of cloth.
[as she does so, he SPIES on her and sees that she, too, has LONG, LUXURIOUS LOCKS...the HOTTEST HAIR in all of HOLLAND]
The Lady of the House: Bring me my pearl earrings!
Colin Firth: Look! They are the perfect accompaniment for my painting!
The Lady of the House: I am scandalized!
Colin Firth: Pierce your ears and wear the earrings. It MUST BE.*
Scarlett Johansson: You looked inside me.*
[the PAINTING must be REALLY GOOD, but she will NOT pierce her EARS]
Tom Wilkinson: I want to bone you, but I think you are boning the painter. Now I shall try to rape you. Tell no one or you're fired.
[the MEAN CHILD sees the ATTACK and stores it AWAY for FUTURE USE]
Colin Firth: Okay, we really need to finish the painting. My mother-in-law is on our side. You need to pierce your ears.
Scarlett Johansson: You do it. It will be more allegorical that way.
[he DOES and it is SENSUAL or something]
Scarlett Johansson: All this near-rape and ear-piercing has gotten me hot and bothered. I'm going to go find the butcher's son and let him do me in an alley.
Cillian Murphy: Marry me.
Scarlett Johansson: [LEAVES in silence]
[the MEAN CHILD sees the EARRINGS exchanged and somehow KNOWS that that means something SCANDALOUS is GOING ON]
The Lady of the House: Let me see the new painting!! I am ugly with rage now instead of beautiful with no feeling!
[she LOOKS at the PAINTING and throws a TANTRUM and tries to DESTROY it with a PALETTE KNIFE]
The Lady of the House: GET OUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!
Scarlett Johansson: [LOOKS at many things in a SAD MANNER]
Jolly, Plump Cook: Here, I brought you the earrings and the turban cloth. Laters.
Editor of Film: Look! The actual painting! LOOK AT IT! LOOOOOK! This movie was based on HISTORY!!!!

Guest Post: Mrs. Brown

When I received this latest submission from frequent guest contributor and dear friend Jason Whittle, my first thought was of the Herman's Hermits song "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Daughter," which I like to think of as the runner-up in a competition to find the Best Song Addressed to Your Girl's Mom About Your Relationship with Your Girl*. (The winner, obviously, being "Ms. Jackson," because they were for real.)

However - I then read the condensation Jason wrote and there is no mention of mothers or daughters or being lovely or planning a picnic but not being able to predict the weather at all. But who doesn't love The Dench and ponies?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 1863 and Queen Victoria is in MOURNING]
Judi Dench: I loved my husband, Prince Albert and then he died. Now, I am mopey and insist that everyone mope with me.
A Courtier: Maybe the Queen should ride a horse.
Billy Connolly: I have come from the north. I am not as genteel as you all. Prince Albert loved me and I know how to ride horses. I have brought a white pony.
[He STANDS outside every day with a PONY, just in case the QUEEN wants to RIDE]
Judi Dench: Why do you stand outside every day with a pony? I have not asked you to prepare my pony.
Billy Connolly: My God, woman! I never thought I’d see you in such a state.
The Court: O.M.G.
Judi Dench: This man speaks to me like a person instead of a title. I need someone to boss me around a bit in the absence of my dearly loved husband. You are an upstart but I consider you my dear friend, Billy Connolly.
England: OMG, the Queen has been in mourning for so many years, we miss her. Also, I hear she’s snogging some Scot.
Prime Minister: Ummm, we need you to come back to London.
Billy Connolly: You should go.
Judi Dench: BUT, you promised I wouldn’t have to!!!!
Billy Connolly: It’s ok, I’ll get drunk and worry constantly about people trying to kill you.
Judi Dench: You are no longer my friend tho I still obviously love you.
[Billy Connolly ATTACKS a man with A GUN]
Judi Dench: Billy Connolly has saved my life, I shall have a medal cast but I won’t warm to him again.
Someone: Umm, Billy Connolly is dying.
Judi Dench: Oh, no! You’re my friend and I love you. Don’t die.
[He DIES]
The Queen’s Advisors: BURN his diary. He had influence and perhaps was sticking it to the queen!!!

*A related, though not identical, category is "Best Song Addressed to Your Girl About Your Relationship with Your Girl's Mom," of which "Stacy's Mom" is a part.

Garden State

[it is LA]
Zach Braff: I don't know where my life is going. I wish something momentous would happen to change all that, with a soundtrack to end all soundtracks.
His dad: Your mom is dead.
Zach Braff: That'll work.
[it is NEW JERSEY]
High School Friends: Duuuuuuuude! How's LA? Let's get wasted!
Zach Braff: I am confused about what my life has become. I wish I would meet someone quirky.
Natalie Portman: Here, listen to this song. It will change your life in an extremely clichéd manner. Let's have a funeral for this hamster now.
Zach Braff: I find your quirkiness adorably attractive. Let's hang out and ride on a motorcycle.
[they go to THIS DUDE'S MANSION and HANG OUT]
Dude: I invented silent Velcro.
Zach Braff: I paralyzed my mom.
Everyone: Life is intense.
Peter Saaaarsgaaaard: I want to give you something, but we have to ride around on your motorcycle and go to a bunch of crazy places.
[they go to SOME PLACES and get SOME STUFF until they end up at a HOUSEBOAT by a QUARRY]
Zach Braff: I shall yell into this quarry to signify how my life has changed.
[they ALL yell and then Natalie Portman and Zach Braff MAKE OUT while Saaaaarsgaaaaard looks on AWKWARDLY]
Peter Saaaarsgaaaard: Here. I stole this necklace from your dead mom.
Zach Braff: Thanks. Now I understand life.
Natalie Portman: Please don't leave.
Zach Braff: I must.
[he gets on the PLANE and then GETS OFF AGAIN]
Zach Braff: Okay, I'll stay.
[they presumably live QUIRKILY ever after and listen to a bunch of BANDS]

The Da Vinci Code

International posters are so telling, aren't they? "Sakrileg" is a way better name for this book/film, because it makes it sound like the schlocky, lowest-common denominator work of festering insipidity (is that a word?) that it is. "The Da Vinci Code" makes it sound like it's going to be intellectual or something.

And yes, I really did see this film. In the theater. I will have you know, however, that I did not pay for it and saw it primarily in order to have a foundation for hating it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is PARIS]
Tom Hanks: Behold my long, lustrous, leonine hair. I hide my acting talent in it, especially in this film. But you know I'm important because of the hair.
Audrey Tautou: Mais oui. Zis man is dead. 'E was mon grandpere. Let us seek 'is killer together.
Audience: Pander! Pander to our love of already-popular movie stars!
[they CRACK codes that any ARMCHAIR CRYPTOGRAPHER would have no trouble cracking]
Tom Hanks: Oh no! This code is something only a professional could crack. That's no fun for the audience.
Audience: Pander! Pander to our stupidity!
Ian McKellen: I can't be evil, because I'm a cripple.
[he BETRAYS them and GIMPS away]
Ian McKellen: Suckas!!!!
Paul Bettany: Well, you all know I'm bad, because I'm an albino.
Audience: Yes! Pander! Pander to our hatred of albin…wait, who hates albinos?
Tom Hanks: Hold on, I'm getting another vision.
[he sees a HISTORY CHANNEL special in his MIND, which is apparently the method by which he SOLVES MYSTERIES]
Tom Hanks: Oh, I get it now. You're a descendant of Jesus! Those crazy-ass Catholics tried to cover your family line.
Audrey Tautou: Zat seems completely plausible. Merci for 'elping me.
Audience: Pander! Pander to our hatred of Catholicism, and love of historical fiction, which, you may recall, is called "fiction" for a reason!!
[they get STUPIDER]

The Fountain

Originally published in November 2006.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
bald hugh jackman: don't worry, tree in a bubble. i'll protect you.
rachel weisz's voice: finish it.

bald hugh jackman: i don't know how it ends!! and i'm in some sort of spacey-future-metaphor bubble!
[he FLOATS in some sort of NEBULA]
audience: what is going on?!?!?
rachel weisz: let's go walk in the snow. i have cancer.
dr. hugh jackman: i can't! i need to do this cancer research so i can cure you!
rachel weisz: okay, well, read my almost-finished manuscript. we're in it. you're a conquistador and i'm the queen of spain! cool, right?
[she falls ASLEEP while he READS]
conquistador hugh jackman: i will die for spain.
queen rachel weisz: go find the fountain of youth, please. a mayan told me about it.
[sends him on a crazy MISSION to SOUTH AMERICA]
darren aronofsky: i wonder just how close i can get the camera to everyone's faces without it getting crazy? [there is a series of INCREDIBLY CLOSE close-ups]
dr. hugh jackman: have we found a cure for cancer?
ellen burstyn: yes.
rachel weisz: [DIES]
dr. hugh jackman: noooooooooooooo! [he continues reading the MANUSCRIPT]
conquistador hugh jackman: hello, scary native man. i will fight you as a metaphor for fighting death.
scary native man: oh, i guess you're a god of some kind. here, kill me.
audience: what?!?!?
bald hugh jackman: i have finished the book! [GLOWS brightly until the AUDIENCE is blinded]
conquistador hugh jackman: hooray, the tree of life!
[he drinks the SAP but then turns into a huge pile of FLOWERS]
darren aronofsky: behold, my child's mother is the most beautiful woman in the world, and i am the deepest man ever! muhahahaha!
audience: um...okay.

visual effects: A
parallel storylines: A
continuity: D
comprehensibility: D-
overblown pretentiousness: A++

Classics Week Guest Post: Citizen Kane

Due to an unprecedented number of submissions of "classic" films for this blog (okay, it was two, but we're totally going to make this work), we've decided to make this week Classics Week here at the ultra-condensed studios. Russell Reed takes on what may be the #1 classic of all time - or maybe just the most overrated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is 1940-something and we ZOOM in on Xanadu castle into the BEDROOM of a DYING man]

Kane: I’m dying alone and sad. I will make sure to drop this snow globe as artfully as possible when I die. Also, Rosebud.

[He DIES, and even though there is NO ONE around to hear his LAST WORD, a reporter with ESP picks up on it and decides to INVESTIGATE, interviewing people in his LIFE and seeing lots of FLASHBACKS]

[in the PAST]

Rich dude: Hey, I can raise your son in the lap of luxury, so you should totally give him to me.

Kane’s parents: Ok.

[We see Kane SLEDDING in the background in a DEEP FOCUS shot]

[less in the PAST, we see Kane become a CITIZEN, newspaper MOGUL, and have a LOVELESS marriage, which PISSES OFF William Randolph Hearst since this is based on his LIFE]

Reporter: Well, that didn’t really explain anything. I guess I’ll never know what he meant, but that’s cool cause I got this ESP thing going for me.

[In a GIANT furnace, Kane’s belongings are being BURNED and we see that his SLED was named ROSEBUD, thus showing that even if you become RICH and POWERFUL you should make time for SLEDDING]