Guest Post: Nine

From a chat dated 1/11/10:

Laura: so what will be the first UCM of the teens?me: oh man, i don't knowi saw sherlock holmesLaura: oh godhow's that?me: i've just been watching so much jersey shoresherlock holmes is finelike, not expectation-breakingthere were many punchesand slight gayness/hottness
and like quick cutsLaura: lolwell, that's somethingit's manlyyet gayyou need to see nineme: i know!Laura: because i need to hear your opinions on its awfulness

It is now over two weeks later and no Sherlock Holmes for you, my lovelies. But my darling guest poster Laura McClain has provided you with a breakdown of what everyone I spoke to said was dreck: Nine. Be Italian!!
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[it is the GLAMOROUS 1960s]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Watch me smirk and smug my way through this grainy black and white press conference footage.
Audience: This movie looks so artsy!
[he GOES to a SOUNDSTAGE in the DARK]
Daniel Day-Lewis: I will smoke soulfully and rub my brow. Acting!
[a SEDUCTIVE figure MOVES from the SHADOWS and KISSES him]
Audience: Art!
[SUDDENLY, 50 lingere-clad chicks APPEAR and start GYRATING while TOSSING their HAIR like EXTRAS in a WHITESNAKE video]
Audience: Oh, right. Rob Marshall directed this.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. I’m at such a crossroads in my life. I’m a world-renowned director with a bevy of beautiful women living in Milan. However, my facial stubble indicates my despair.
His Producer: Come to work, Guido. You must direct this movie, as it is your job.
Sophia Loren: Hello, my son. I am a ghost here to try to explain why you’re fucked up about women? Or something? At least I’m authentically Italian.
Daniel Day-Lewis: My life is too empty! I must run away to a spa.
[he DRIVES his SPORTS CAR up the SIDE of a MOUNTAIN in MILAN and you’re like “boo fucking hoo, Guido”]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Alone at last! Now, to sulk in the spa.
[the PHONE RINGS]
Penelope Cruz: Hola, Guido. I will sing you a sexy, sexy song while writhing in my Victoria’s Secret underthings.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my mistress.
[the PHONE RINGS AGAIN]
Marion Cotillard: Bonjour, Guido.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my wife.
[he goes and CHILLS with Judi Dench, his COSTUME DESIGNER and IMAGINES her SINGING a FOLLIES number]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh dear. Why do I only daydream in glitzy production numbers? Gaaaay.
[he REMEMBERS how Fergie SHOWED him her BOOBS when he was a CHILD and then HUMPED a CHAIR and THREW sand in his FACE]
Fergie: You know there’s a problem when I’m the best performer in your musical.
Penelope Cruz: Hey! I’m here in my trashy mistress outfit! I love you Guido, though you are extremely unlovable!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Eeeek! You go stay in the dilapidated motel next to the train station. We’ll have sex there. But you have to put on whore makeup first.
Marion Cotillard: Hi, honey! I decided to come join you on your spa retreat!
[she SINGS a DIGNIFIED song in an ATTEMPT to SAVE the MOVIE but it is TOO LATE]
Penelope Cruz: Here I am, in my hooker heels. I’ll just sit near you and your wife having dinner. Not obsessive at all.
Marion Cotillard: Guido! For shame!
[she STORMS off]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh man, my wife is so pissed. A trip to the bar will cure what ails me.
Kate Hudson: Heeeeeeeeey Guido. Why am I here? Man, I look orange and bloated.
[she SINGS the WORST SONG ever RECORDED to SEDUCE him]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Wait a second….that’s Kate Hudson.
[he RUNS AWAY]
Penelope Cruz: You bastard! You ignored me and put me up in a hovel! Now I will kill myself.
[she DOESN’T]
His Producer: Hey, could you stop fucking everything in sight for like, two seconds and come make this movie? Your star is here.
[Nicole Kidman and her FROZEN FACE enter]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my Nordic muse with her mangled Australian accent.
[they GO for a CAR RIDE and she SINGS a SONG about how he is her EVERYTHING and you’re like “Really, everyone?? This guy?”]
Nicole Kidman: I don’t want to be your fantasy anymore, Guido. PEACE.
Daniel Day-Lewis: I have to find a new star. Beloved wife whom I constantly cheat on, will you come watch screen tests of nubile Italian women with me?
Marion Cotillard: Yes, for some reason.
[they WATCH a SCREEN TEST where he HITS on more CHICKS and it REMINDS Marion Cotillard of when she was a SUCKER and FELL for HIM]
Marion Cotillard: DONE. Now, to remove any remainder of subtlety from this movie.
[she DOES a RAUNCHY striptease that REPRESENTS their MARRIAGE or SOMETHING]
[a YEAR PASSES]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. All alone. Clearly I have changed, as I grew a beard and am chilling with the Dench in a non-sexual way.
Judi Dench: Go get your wife back. Make a boring art film.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Brilliant!
[he GOES to the FILM STUDIO and once again HALLUCINATES about LADIES in their PANTIES, only now everyone is looking at him all BENEVOLENTLY and it is WEIRD]
Marion Cotillard: Oh Guido! You have truly changed!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Yes. Yes, I have.
[he has NOT]