Spencer

This one was kind of a toughie. I didn’t HATE it, but there were many times when I was like “BITCH JUST GO TO DINNER,” and then felt insensitive to Diana’s mental health struggles. Sometimes it’s hard to make ourselves do things that on the surface seem very easy! And I guess if she had actually GONE to dinner we wouldn’t have much of a movie, because about 90% of it is her psyching herself up to go to dinner and then not doing it. And the food didn’t look good, but still. Try to go to dinner, babe. This weekend will be over soon. 

***

[it is the EARLY 90s but ALSO some kind of DREAMLIKE ASTRAL PLANE]

KStew: Alas, it is time to attend the annual Windsor Family Christmas Extravaganza. And I’m lost, again. Symbolically. 
[she DRIVES in a CONVERTIBLE as her wig FLUTTERS in the BREEZE and STOPS to ask for DIRECTIONS, a PAINFUL reminder of LIFE pre-Siri]
KStew: Hello, can anyone tell me where your neighborhood castle is?
British Diner Patrons: [STARE in SILENCE]
KStew: Right-ho. 
[she HAPPENS UPON a scarecrow in a FIELD and STARES at it while LOOKING WOUNDED]
The Castle Chef: Hello, your highness. I’m just out on a quail-scavenging trip or something. Allow me to escort you to your weekend of good old-fashioned family togetherness.
KStew: Fuuuuuck.
Stern Butler: Ugh, it's you. Time for the annual Windsor Good-Time Eating Disorder Activator. One must gain three pounds this weekend. For the fun of it all. 
[she SITS on a SCALE because this FAMILY is TAILOR-MADE to TRIGGER her]
Sally Hawkins: Your highness! I have been assigned as your dresser again this Christmas. DO NOT LET THEM BREAK YOU. 
KStew: THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE
[she SEES a BOOK about Anne Boleyn in her ROOM which, is a real TROLL by the Royal Family]
Prince Chuckles: Happy Christmas Eve. Here are some pearls.
KStew. Thx I guess. 
The Entire Royal Family: [sits in judgmental silence]
[KStew IMAGINES DUMPING her pearls into her PEA soup and CHOMPING them up, which actually LOOKS like an IMPROVEMENT to that Nickelodeon SLIME MONSTROSITY]
Wills and Harry: Mummy! Happy Christmas!
[she GIVES them normal-kid PRESENTS which is NICE because they probably GET like, BREECHES and HAUNTED PALACES from their grandparents]
KStew: My childhood manor is right ‘round the bend. Perhaps I will go there, in the middle of the night. 
[she ALMOST gets SHOT by palace guards for her SKULKING]
[it is CHRISTMAS MORNING and she WEARS a HAT and LOOKS DOWNTRODDEN when she SEES Camilla]
Prince Chuckles: Can you maybe chill out a little and stop being late to everything and speaking in like, vague metaphors?
KStew: [SLAMS her HANDS on the pool table in IMPOTENT RAGE]
Prince Chuckles: I’m going to take our gentle sons pheasant hunting tomorrow morning to make them more like me.
Some Maid: I am here with yet more dresses for you to wear, ma’am. 
KStew: WHERE IS MY BFF SALLY HAWKINS, DON’T YOU SEE I’M HANGING ON BY A THREAD.
Some Maid: Chuckles has sent her away. For your own good. And we’ve stapled  your curtains closed so no one can see in. Also for your own good. 
KStew: I simply can’t go to dinner, even in this amazing gown. They’ll kill me like they did Anne Boleyn! 
[she IMAGINES CUTTING her ARM with a SEAM RIPPER as the AUDIENCE SCREAMS]
Literally Everyone: Time for dinner. 
KStew: I CANNOT.
[she PUTS on the SCARECROW coat and GOES to her DUSTY CHILDHOOD home where she HALLUCINATES her YOUTHFUL self and CONTEMPLATES THROWING herself down the STAIRS which is her SIGNATURE MOVE]
Sally Hawkins: I’ve been called back because everyone knows you’re losing it like whoa. Let’s go to the beach. I am in love with you.
KStew: [LAUGHS with DELIGHT and it’s CUTE]

KStew: Knowing I am loved has given me confidence. I will rescue my children from the pheasant shoot! And put my yellow princess suit on that scarecrow in an astonishing act of symbolism! 

[she TAKES Wills and Harry to KFC in her SPORTS car and it’s a JARRING reminder that it’s the 90s and not OLDEN TIMES]

Phantom Thread

 

Listen, I can’t claim to truly understand any Paul Thomas Anderson film. To be perfectly honest, we’re probably not supposed to. Film nerds always need something to dissect and I do enjoy a lot of his work, except Magnolia which can GTFO. And it’s always nice to see DDL’s hot face unobscured by voluminous mustaches or Lincoln beards. So I think I liked this movie? I like clothes and chilly men, and I can certainly sympathize with the effects of eating something that REALLY doesn’t agree with you. 

***

[it is a GLAMOROUS time filled with LOUD and ATONAL music]

Daniel Day-Lewis: It is I, Reynolds Woodcock, an elegant couture designer with the name of an amateur porn star. 

[he actually CREATES a COUTURE gown because DDL doesn’t PHONE it in, BITCHES]

His Lover: You never talk to me at breakfast anymore. 

His Sister: Shall I get rid of her?

DDL: [without LOOKING UP] Mmhmm.

[he dons FUSCIA SOCKS and goes to some kind of INN where Alma, a waitress, SMILES at him and immediately FALLS DOWN]

DDL: That was adorkable. Now to my breakfast! Here is the list of meats I would like to consume. Recite it back to me. 

[she DOES without BREAKING his GAZE and it is STRANGELY INTENSE as all their INTERACTIONS shall BE] 

DDL: You passed my test. Let's go on a date.

[they RIDE in his FANCY car and GO to DINNER]

DDL: My mother is dead. I find it comforting to think of her ghost watching me. Let me take off your lipstick. I like to see who I’m talking to.*

[they GAZE some more and I’m REMINDED that DDL doesn’t get enough RECOGNITION for being a damn SMOKESHOW ZADDY]

DDL: Now I shall give you the full Woodcock, meaning I will make a dress for you.

[they GO to his STUDIO and he DRAPES fabric and it’s MILDLY erotic until his SISTER weirdly SHOWS UP to TAKE notes]

DDL: You have no breasts.*

Alma: :(

DDL: Don’t worry, it’s my job to give them to you.*

Alma: :)

[she BECOMES his MUSE and LOVER and MOVES into his HOUSE where she MODELS his SUMPTUOUS dresses but also HELPS to MAKE them(?)]

Alma: Good morning! La la la!

[she BUTTERS her toast and POURS tea which is APPARENTLY UNBEARABLE]

DDL: Such noise! My day is ruined!

His Sister: He needs his reflection time in the morning! Only I know this, due to our bizarrely close relationship. 

Alma: I think he’s too fussy.*

[DDL has a FITTING with a RICH MATRON and she PASSES out DRUNK at a PARTY wearing his DRESS]

Alma: She doesn’t deserve your genius! I will pry it from her unconscious body.

DDL: You get me. I love you but also hate myself, as all geniuses do, and will take it out on you so just a head's up on that.

Alma: I want to prepare DDL a special dinner, just for the two of us. Can you leave the house so we can be alone?

His Sister: [STARES in CONFUSION]

[it is the FATEFUL dinner]

DDL: Where is everyone? What is going on? Why is this asparagus made with BUTTER when you know I prefer oil and salt? Why are you trying to destroy me?!

Alma: I just want to love you!

[instead of LEAVING his BITCHY ASS, she GETS the BRIGHT IDEA to LIGHTLY POISON him with some MUSHROOMS she PICKED earlier]

Alma: Here’s some normal, fungi-free tea.

[he COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY on a WEDDING dress he is MAKING for a LITERAL PRINCESS]

Alma: I will care for you!

DDL: Oh God, it’s coming out of both ends. The agony!

[he TOSSES ABOUT and HALLUCINATES his MOTHER because he is also SUFFERING from Mommy Issues Disease]

His Sister: I brought the doctor. Can he examine him?

DDL: Get the fuck out.*

Alma: You heard him. I am all that he needs!

[it is the NEXT morning]

DDL: My night of explosive diarrhea has made me realize how much I do in fact need you. Marry me!

Alma: I did it!

[they GET MARRIED and exactly ZERO things are FIXED cause that’s NOT how marriage WORKS]

DDL: You still butter your toast too loudly. And sometimes you bring me tea and want to go dancing. You've ruined my life!

Alma: Fuck this. I know how to make him love me again - thorough the power of poison. 

[she LEVELS up and puts a WHOLE mushroom in his OMELET]

DDL: Thanks for this omelet. It looks intriguing. 

[they STARE at each other for like, EVER and it is TENSE, and then he EATS it]

DDL: I knew about the diarrhea poison the whole time. Thanks for physically weakening me so I can finally accept your caretaking. I love you, Mommy.

Alma: I love you too. This is what love is. 

DDL: Now you’d better get out of here darling, before I’m sick.* 

[she CARESSES him as he SITS on the TOILET, but he’s not like, ACTUALLY using it in this ROMANTIC MOMENT, just to CLARIFY]

*actual line from movie

A Place in the Sun

This movie is legit incredible. It's all sad and sexy and chock-full of insightful social commentary. My one quibble is that I kind of think that if you're making a movie about someone trying to social-climb and encountering true obstacles, you shouldn't cast someone who is this hot. Hot people can do whatever they want! Is anyone ever going to keep a hottie from attending a party because they have cheap shoes or something? BEAUTY IS CURRENCY, GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

***

[it is the REPRESSED 1950s. Montgomery Clift HITCHHIKES as the camera ZOOMS IN on his hot, troubled face]

Montgomery Clift: How I wish I could get in that beautiful car with that beautiful woman, who is speeding away from me. 

[he instead GETS a LIFT in a truck CONTAINING live chickens]

Montgomery Clift: Hello. I'm here to see my uncle, the owner of this swimsuit company. 

His Uncle: Ah yes! Come to my house tonight, my boy, and we'll discuss your future! 

His Aunt: Are you SURE you want to give him a job, darling? He's so poor and his mother was so RELIGIOUS. How vulgar!

[Montgomery Clift ARRIVES in a cheap suit and is ASHAMED but he's SUPER hot so who CARES?]  

His Uncle: You're family and we take care of family down at Bikini, Inc. My son will give you a job worthy of your station.

[Elizabeth Taylor ENTERS and is BREATHTAKING and VIVACIOUS]

Elizabeth Taylor: Tra la! Come on everyone, time to go to a rich-person party!

[literally everyone LEAVES and Monty is not INVITED]

Montgomery Clift: I will say nothing but my face will show a thousand feelings.

[it is the FACTORY]

Monty's Cousin: So the girls place swimsuits into boxes and you stack them. Sometimes you'll put them on a cart. Easy enough for you, dumdum?

[it is NOT at first but he GETS better at the EASIEST job in the WORLD as Factory Girl Shelley Winters GAZES at him]

Montgomery Clift: Well, well, well. Fancy running into you at this movie theater. Guess what, I'm walking you home.

Shelley Winters: I suppose I don't really have a choice in the matter, but OK. You just can't come inside. 

Montgomery Clift: Guess what, I'm coming inside.

[he TURNS UP the radio and the camera PANS away to INDICATE that they are DOING IT and honestly, I'm not SEEING a lot of ENTHUSIASTIC consent here]

[time PASSES, INDICATED by FLYING calendar pages]

Monty's Uncle: My boy, what are you doing on the line? This won't do! Go work in the office. And come to a ball at my house while you're at it. 

[he GOES to the ball but FEELS rebuked by society so he PLAYS pool and Elizabeth Taylor HAPPENS UPON him]

Elizabeth Taylor: Gosh, you sure are a swell player. I'm just going to stand here with my perfect body and face, to make you even more nervous. 

Montgomery Clift: I know I'm just sexy gutter trash, even in a tux, but will you dance with me? 

Elizabeth Taylor: And how!

[they DANCE all night long]

Shelley Winters: Where were you? With all those pretty society girls? 

Montgomery Clift: [extremely UNCONVINCINGLY] No way, sugar, you're the only one for me. 

[he GOES to another ball and DANCES with Elizabeth Taylor and it is SENSUAL]

Montgomery Clift: I love you. If I could only tell you how much I love you.* 

Elizabeth Taylor: Tell Mama. Tell Mama all.*

Montgomery Clift: Did you just call yourself "Mama?" 

[they KISS and it's too much BEAUTY for my eyes to BEHOLD]

Montgomery Clift: This is fucking awesome.

Shelley Winters: I have to tell you something and since we had sex in the 50s, obviously you know what it is. 

[she WEEPS]

Montgomery Clift: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[he TAKES her to the ABORTION doctor and she TELLS a series of ESCALATING lies]

The Doctor: I'm sorry but there's nothing I will do, because the past sucks.

[she WEEPS and it is truly HEARTBREAKING]

Shelley Winters: I guess we'll just have to get married.

Montgomery Clift: [SHITS a brick]

Elizabeth Taylor: Come and visit me at my family's gorgeous lake house!

[they FROLIC and are beautiful and she TELLS him about a DROWNING that I'm sure WON'T be IMPORTANT to the PLOT later]

Shelley Winters: I feel abandoned! Where could he be?

[she SEES a photo of Monty in the SOCIETY pages, DRIVING a SPEEDBOAT and LOVING life]

Shelley Winters: I'm at the lake bus station, you liar. You have to marry me, RIGHT NOW or I'll tell the papers, which was apparently a real threat in the 50s!

Montgomery Clift: GULP. 

[he TELLS more LIES to Elizabeth Taylor, who is TROUBLED]

Montgomery Clift: Aw shucks, the registrar is closed for the holiday. What say we take a refreshing boat ride on Lake Murder? 

Shelley Winters: OK I guess, though I don't know how to swim as I mentioned earlier in the movie. 

[he RENTS the BOAT with a FAKE name and they DRIFT in the water OMINOUSLY as it GETS DARK]

Shelley Winters: I know you don't really want to marry me, but we'll have a small, inconsequential life together filled with lots of factory work and children and no speedboats. It'll be fine!

Montgomery Clift: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

[she STANDS up in the BOAT because of her FEELINGS and they FALL into the WATER]

Montgomery Clift: Here I am back at the vacation house, nothing to see here, I definitely haven't been fully clothed in a lake anytime recently.

[he is a SWEATY mess of PTSD with no CHILL] 

Elizabeth Taylor's Dad: Well, my daughter likes you so I suppose you can marry her, even though you're still kind of trashy.

Montgomery Clift: GREAT SOUNDS GOOD, NOTHING CAN GET IN THE WAY OF THAT.

[meanwhile, Shelley Winters' BODY is FLOATING in the LAKE]

A Detective: Hmmm. I know that this poor young woman wasn't on the boat by herself, and we can't find another body. Obviously this is a murder.

[they FIND the SMOKING GUN speedboat pic in Shelley's house and almost INSTANTLY arrest a SWEATING Monty and there is a TRIAL]

Montgomery Clift: I didn't kill her! I think? I mean it wasn't on purpose! Was it? I don't even know!

The Prosecutor: We know you did it. Now get into this canoe we've brought into the courtroom and show us what happened! 

[Monty FALLS OUT of the courtroom CANOE which somehow PROVES his GUILT]

The Judge: I sentence you to death in the electric chair.

Elizabeth Taylor: I will always love you, and also be scarred by this experience forevermore.  

A Priest: Confess your sins, my son.

Montgomery Clift: TBH, I didn't kill Shelley but I also didn't try to save her because I kind of hated her.

A Priest: Then you had murder in your heart which I guess is the same as actual murder.

Montgomery Clift: Yeah.

[he WALKS slowly to his DEATH and his face is both totally EXPRESSIONLESS and also CONTAINS every EMOTION that has ever EXISTED]

*actual line from movie

Interiors

I know, I KNOW. But he’s not actually IN it and there are no references to the Marx Brothers and the visually striking poster kept popping up on Prime, so I thought it might be interesting. But I hated it and everyone's terrible haircuts and I want those two silent, weird hours of my life back. I consider myself suitably punished for watching one of his stupid Bergman knockoffs. 

***

[it is the late 70s in a NYC that has NEVER EXISTED]

Geraldine Page: I am white.

Diane Keaton: I am also white.

Mary Beth Hurt: I join you in your whiteness.

Sam Waterston: I am also white and my hair will be whiter still someday. 

The Dad: Hello, my white family. I am leaving your mother to continue to be white elsewhere. But I will not divorce her, to keep up WASP appearances.

Geraldine Page: I am heartbroken but I will do no more than slightly grimace. 

[she STARES at some VASES]

Geraldine Page: I have brought you one of my staring vases for your home. It is not white but beige, like everything that surrounds us. Beige is the white of browns. 

Mary Beth Hurt: May I take your beige coat, mother?

Geraldine Page: No need. I will go call your sister, who I like more than you, to see how she’s doing but mostly to talk about myself.

Diane Keaton: Hello, mother. You’ve interrupted my smoking and staring out a window, dressed in a full beige outfit, including sweater, shirt, other shirt, skirt, shoes, coat, hat and shoes.* It is always dark in my home.

Geraldine Page: So dark and so meaningful. 

[they STARE at their RESPECTIVE windows and WALLS for a WHILE]

Diane Keaton: My second book of poetry is difficult to write. I have to see my analyst.

Geraldine Page: Your father left me.

[they QUIETLY HANG UP]

Diane Keaton’s Husband: My second novel is difficult to write.

Everyone: Our problems are relatable. 

[Geraldine Page GOES HOME and CAREFULLY tapes up her DOORS and WINDOWS and TURNS on the GAS and it’s a BUMMER]

Mary Beth Hurt: You attempted suicide. Let’s definitely never talk about it again.

Geraldine Page: I apologize. I felt sad and powerless, much less white than usual.

[she GOES to a CHURCH with her ESTRANGED HUSBAND]

The Dad: I want a real divorce, I think.

[she SCREAMS and KNOCKS over a BUNCH of CANDLES and it was SO LOUD cause I had the VOLUME turned up SO HIGH because all these WHITE PEOPLE can’t SPEAK above a WHISPER]

Another Sister Who Has Never Been Mentioned: I am home from being a movie star, which impresses literally none of you.

Everyone: We are so pretentious that being a movie star seems gross. 

[they GO to the FAMILY BEACH HOUSE to REMIND us that BEING WHITE/BEIGE is HARD]

The Dad: Hello, daughters and various sons-in-law. I have met a woman that, while white, is a lot more normal than your weird-ass mom.

Maureen Stapleton: HELLO EVERYONE! SO NICE TO MEET YOU! WHAT A LOVELY FAMILY! THIS DINNER IS DELICIOUS! YOUR FATHER LOVES DANCING! DO YOU LIKE MY RED DRESS?

Mary Beth Hurt + Diane Keaton aka Beige and Beiger: This is the most disgusting human being I have ever met. 

[they are SUCH BITCHES to her for NO REASON]

Maureen Stapleton: IT’S OK, DEAR, THEY ARE JUST SAD ABOUT THE DIVORCE! I’M UNDERSTANDING!

[she ACCIDENTALLY BREAKS the BEIGE vase in a SYMBOLIC GESTURE]

Mary Beth Hurt: You vulgarian! That’s right, I said it! The cruelest words a WASP could ever speak.

[this SHOCKING DISPLAY of  EMOTION sends EVERYONE to SMOKE and STARE in their RESPECTIVE rooms]

The Movie Star Sister: Hello, Diane Keaton’s husband. I’m just hanging in the garage for no reason. You seem menacingly drunk rather than just white-people silently-sulking drunk.

[he TRIES to RAPE her in SILENCE and it’s FUCKING HORRIBLE and NEVER SPOKEN OF again]

Geraldine Page: I have come to the beach house in the middle of the night to skulk around in a deranged yet dignified way.

Mary Beth Hurt: Mother, why don’t you love me? 

Geraldine Page: [LITERALY WALKS DIRECTLY INTO THE OCEAN]

Mary Beth Hurt: [SILENTLY ATTEMPTS TO SAVE HER]

Sam Waterston: [SILENTLY SAVES MARY BETH HURT]

Maureen Stapleton: [SILENTLY GIVES MBH CPR]

Mary Beth Hurt: I am alive. Mother is dead.

Diane Keaton: Yes. Let us gaze out of this window.

The Movie Star Sister: Let me get in on that.

[they STARE at NOTHING and then place WHITE ROSES on Geraldine Page’s SHINY COFFIN because even in DEATH, COLOR would be TOO VULGAR]

*I'm not kidding, every stich of clothing on these peoples' bodies was beige. This movie was brought to you by Big Beige. But it worked cause now I have like four beige sweaters in my Banana Republic cart. 

Gentleman's Agreement

You know, while I blow it some grief for being rather ham-fisted in its approach, I do have to give this movie props for attempting to take on an absolutely enormous issue like five minutes after the greatest human rights atrocity in modern history. I don't find it to be entirely successful, but the attempt is very admirable. Also Gregory Peck is a smokeshow, which is basically why I watched it, TBH. 

***

[It is 1948, maybe too CLOSE to the war for this movie to HAVE the proper perspective]

Gregory Peck: Well son, we live in New York now. Daddy’s been hired to write for a magazine. It’s sad that your mom is dead.

Freckle-Faced Son: Sure is, pops!

Gregory Peck’s Mom: Good thing I’m here to take care of you two knuckleheads! 

Gregory Peck: Time to go to work!

His Editor: Say, I’ve got a crackerjack assignment for you. I think we should write about antisemitism. It’s a hot-button issue.

Gregory Peck: Yeah, since the Holocaust literally JUST happened!

20th Century Fox: DON’T MENTION THE HOLOCAUST, LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

[Gregory Peck GOES to a party where he MEETS the editor’s niece Kathy, who in the GRAND TRADITION of old movies could be ANYWHERE from 25 to 55 BASED on general styling]

Kathy: Well hi there. I suggested that my uncle run the piece on antisemitism. Let’s fall in love, shall we?

Gregory Peck: And how!

[they are INSTANTLY in love for no REASON I can UNDERSTAND]

Freckle-Face Son: Hey Pops, what’s antisemitism? 

Gregory Peck: Hmm. I cannot explain this easily to you, so I must take the assignment. But I can’t find the angle! 

[he PACES around his apartment in a three-inch-long tie]

Gregory Peck: If only my old childhood chum Dave could help me! He’s way Jewish. But he is at Army. 

[he WRITES Dave a letter while REFLECTING on the fact that Dave doesn’t LOOK all that Jewish or something which GIVES him a great idea]

Gregory Peck: I know! I’ll live as a Jewish man for six months. And by “live as” I mean I’ll just sort of sternly tell people I’m Jewish after they’ve said something offensive and temporarily change my name to Greenstein. Then I’ll know everything. 

Mom: [NODS wisely]

Gregory Peck: Now, to begin my life as a Jewish man. 

Kathy: I'm so proud of you! But wait, just to confirm, you’re not...REALLY Jewish are you?

[she SHRINKS away ever so SLIGHTLY for foreshadowing]

Gregory Peck: Huh.

[it is the OFFICE]

Gregory Peck: Secretary, I want you to write two letters to an employment agency – one from a real red-blooded American name and one from a stereotypically Jewish name. Let’s see which one gets an interview.

June Havoc, aka Dainty June from Gypsy: Hey, that’s what I did to get this job. I am secretly Jewish. Gross, right?

Gregory Peck: So am I! 

[various people are CAGILY anti-Semitic in a “wink wink” kind of WAY while Peck RESPONDS in his STERN Atticus Finch VOICE]

Celeste Holm: Here I am, a fabulous fashion editor awash in hats and quips. Let’s have a martini! I couldn't care less that you are Jewish, you handsome, handsome man.

Kathy: But I kind of do! Even though I know you are not. We got engaged somewhere in here, I guess and I don’t want you to continue your experiment at the party my WASP sister is throwing for us. It’s just TOO REAL. 

[they HAVE the first of many FIGHTS]

John Garfield: It’s me, Dave, your token Jewish friend, here to visit and be surprisingly cool with your mildly offensive journalism gimmick. I shall tell you what it is like to be Jewish.

[he LAYS IT OUT and also FIGHTS yet another anti-Semitic piece of SHIT at a restaurant]

Celeste Holm: You two Jewish boys are all right! 

Freckle-Face Son: Say pop, are we Jewish? 

Gregory Peck: Kind of?

Freckle-Face Son: Okey dokey, I guess. 

Gregory Peck: Hey honey, my old pal Dave and his family need a place to stay. People won’t rent to his family because he truly has to live life as a Jewish man in 1948 and isn’t on some Tyra Banks-esque lark. Can they live in your family’s empty country home for a while?

Kathy: They wouldn’t understand! They WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND!

Gregory Peck: The fuck?

[they BREAK UP maybe? but he still GOES for his journalist EXPERIMENT to the place where they were going to HONEYMOON because apparently they don’t ADMIT Jews]

Gregory Peck: Do you or do you not accept Jews?!*

Hotel Manager: [STARES impassively]

Freckle-Face Son: Pop, some boys from school chased me and called me dirty words because I am maybe Jewish. Why would they do that to me? Why, Pop?

[it is LEGITIMATELY sad]

Kathy: No, Billy, no! You’re no more Jewish than I!*

Gregory Peck: What the FUCK.

[they BREAK UP for real, FINALLY]

Celeste Holm: I know it’s not my place, but I don’t think Kathy is the right woman for you. She's clearly a bigot and her hats aren't even that cute. 

[her eyes GLISTEN with UNREQUITED LOVE tears]

The Editor: What a page-turner, Peck! You really outdid yourself.

Dainty June: Whaaaa? You’re not Jewish?! But I thought you were a [insert terrible slur] like me!

Gregory Peck: Look at me! Don’t I have the same face, the same hands as I did when you thought I was Jewish?*

[he MANSPLAINS antisemitism, to her, a Jewish person]

Kathy: I’m not an anti-Semite, right John Garfield?

John Garfield: No, not outright, but when people make terrible jokes do you say something? Do you stand up for people when they are discriminated against? The worst kind of people are the nice people who do nothing.

[I NOD along, ASHAMED of myself for the JOKES I have made whilst WRITING this]

Kathy: I’ve been so wrong! Gregory Peck, I’m sorry. Your Jewish friend can live in our family home. 

Gregory Peck: Hooray! We are in love again.

Celeste Holm: I guess I’ll just win an Oscar for this movie. I mean, I was fine in it. 

[antisemitism is SOLVED thanks to one BRAVE WASP]

*actual line from movie

Legends of the Fall

This is my family's favorite movie. My dad would always insist on playing the soundtrack on long car rides, making our trips through rural Illinois to visit my grandparents seem majestic and deeply emotional. I was never really a fan (Brad Pitt eats a heart at one point, which is a big no thanks) but I did enjoy this rewatch.

**

[it is MONTANA, in the PAST]
One Stab [in VO]: Hello. I am here to tell you the tale of three brothers. And I thiiiiiink I’m a pretty respectful portrayal of a Native person?
[we HEAR the BACKSTORY of the Ludlow family in which Anthony Hopkins STOPS being an Army Colonel because he HATES the TRAIL OF TEARS and BUILDS a MANSION in the MIDDLE of NOWHERE and has THREE SONS and his WIFE is like “Smell ya later, I’m going back to civilization,” and Strapping Baby Brad Pitt MAIMS a GRIZZLY on an ADVENTURE so you KNOW he’s the COOL one]
One Stab [in VO]: The boys were BFFs and nothing could ever, ever, EVER tear them apart.
[it is LATER]
Elliott from E.T.: Hello, family! I am home from Harvard, and I have brought along my beautiful fiancé, Hubris. I mean “Susannah.”
[Aidan Quinn STARES at her like a SEX MURDERER]
Julia Ormond: What a beautiful landscape! I know I’ll be happy here with my boyish husb- wuh wuh wuh WUHHH?
[Brad Pitt APPEARS across the VISTA on a HORSE, with FLOWING FLAXEN LOCKS and ROUGHSHOD CHARM in TOW]
Julia Ormond: Holy SHIT.
[she LEARNS the WAY of the LAND cause she’s NOT like the OTHER GIRLS]
Anthony Hopkins: [CHOMPING on a GIANT CIGAR] What a treat to have a woman in the house again. Surely this will have no tragic consequences!
[Julia Ormond longingly WATCHES Brad Pitt TAME a WILD and SYMBOLIC horse]
Elliott from E.T.: I have enlisted in the army, due to my idealism.
Anthony Hopkins: You’re a damned fool! You’re the wimpiest one!
Julia Ormond: Please go protect him, Brad Pitt.
[she WEEPS and he HOLDS her in his MUSCULAR grip and they ALMOST KISS]
Aidan Quinn: [LURKING in the SHADOWS] Whaaaa?!
[it is WAR]
Elliott from E.T. [via letter]: It’s very gross here and I keep peeing my pants with fear. Maybe this was a bad idea.
[there are VIOLENT MONTAGES of his BROTHERS not LETTING him do ANYTHING on the field of BATTLE, some of which I FAST-FORWARDED]
Aidan Quinn: Our brother has joined a suicide mission to prove his bravery! You’re supposed to be supervising!
[Elliott DIES, obviously, and Brad Pitt is EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED and maybe EATS his HEART? and EVENTUALLY the BROTHERS return HOME to BEGIN their RIFT]
Aidan Quinn: This is kind of awkward, seeing as you’re basically my brother’s widow, but I love you. Please marry me.
Julia Ormond: :/
[she BONES Brad Pitt INSTEAD and they SPEND a LOT OF TIME brushing their LUSCIOUS LOCKS out of each other’s FACES]
Aidan Quinn: You’ll never make her happy. But you also have to marry her.
Brad Pitt: I will do both of those things.
[he DOES NOT]
Aidan Quinn: I'll show you all! I’m going to Helena to become a capitalist!
[MEANWHILE, Brad Pitt and Julia Ormond HERD cattle and BATHE in RIVERS and have NO FUN EVER, and he is CATATONIC]
Emo Brad Pitt: Since I almost accidentally murdered you because of my PTSD, I’m leaving now. To where I know not.
Julia Ormond: I’ll wait for you forever.*
[he PEACES OUT and the MUSIC is SO LOUD]
One Stab [in VO]: He had to find his destiny, like the rocks that meet the river and the sun shining in the sky and the mountains reaching to the heavens, and the bears feasting on children in the woods.
[Julia Ormond WRITES Brad Pitt LETTERS in her MIND and we see MONTAGES of him being DASHED ABOUT on SHIPS and MURDERING exotic ANIMALS for TUSKS]
Emo Brad Pitt [via LETTER]: I am dead, emotionally. Marry someone else.
Julia Ormond: WEEP.
Aidan Quinn: You always loved him more, Daddy! He stole my girlfriend and he killed our brother.
[Anthony Hopkins ROARS in ANGUISH and has an TRAUMA STROKE and it is SAD]
One Stab [in VO and I just REALIZED that he NEVER actually TALKS]: I heard a stirring in the winds and a beating in the heart of the land and other mystical stuff.
[Brad Pitt CRESTS a HILL yet again with a MILLION HORSES because this ASSHOLE always has to MAKE an ENTRANCE]
Brad Pitt: I’m ho-o-o-me! I shall never explain how I overcame my man pain. Here are some tusks. Look at my hair!
[it is BEAUTIFUL]
The Ranch Hand: Julia Ormond moved to Helena to marry your brother, who finally wore her down. He’s a congressman!
Isabel Two: Welcome home, Brad Pitt. It’s me, the hot daughter of the ranch hand who loved you as a young girl and who wasn’t brought up earlier in this recap because this movie is so long.
Brad Pitt: SCHWING.
[they FALL in LOVE via MONTAGE and get MARRIED and have BEAUTIFUL children]
Ranch Hand: You don’t really have any work skills so maybe become a bootlegger?
[he DOES and doesn’t PLAY by the RULES and the “corporate” BOOTLEGGERS are PISSED, but I wasn’t REALLY paying ATTENTION at this part]
Brad Pitt: Hello, Aidan Quinn and Julia Ormond. Nice to see you at this county fair as I frolic with my perfect family.
[she has ZERO CHILL and it’s like GIRL, get AHOLD of yourself]
Brad Pitt: Tra la, back to the ranch, family!
[they are FOLLOWED by the COPS who are in the POCKETS of the EVIL BOOTLEGGERS(?) and there is a STANDOFF and Isabel Two is KILLED by a ROGUE BULLET and it is HORRIBLE]
Brad Pitt: NOT AGAAAAAAAIN!
[he BEATS everyone UP and GOES to JAIL for a WHILE]
Brad Pitt: I know what I must do.
[there is a STRESSFUL MONTAGE where he and his RANCH BROS go on a MIDNIGHT REVENGE RAID interposed with Julia Ormond WEEPING at HERSELF in the MIRROR and CUTTING OFF her HAIR]
Brad Pitt: [SCALPS the shooter GUY, like I get that you’re MAD but HOLY SHIT, dude]
Julia Ormond: [SHOOTS herself]
Aidan Quinn: I played by all the rules and you played by none of them, and they all loved you more.*
The Evil Bootlegger: We’re here to kill you, Brad Pitt.
Anthony Hopkins: [unintelligible BEAR ROAR]
[the OLD BOY still has some GRIT in him, and SHOOTS most of THEM and then Aidan Quinn SHOOTS the main one UNEXPECTEDLY from BEHIND the HOUSE because the Ludlows will ALWAYS be BROTHERS even when they all BANG the same GIRL]
Aidan Quinn: Let’s have a reconciliation in front of these three corpses. Now let’s go bury them in the woods…as a family.
[they DO that GUY thing where they HUG AGGRESSIVELY and CRY-LAUGH and MEANWHILE the BODIES are just LYING there]
One Stab [VO]: Yes indeed, the body count was high for everyone that loved Brad Pitt. He was the rock they broke themselves against.*
[it is the FUTURE and OLD MAN Brad Pitt is MAULED to DEATH in SLOW MOTION by a GRIZZLY that is MAYBE the SAME one from the BEGINNING of the MOVIE but I’m not an EXPERT on the LIFESPAN of GRIZZLIES]
One Stab [VO]: It was a good death.*
My Family: [LEAPS to their FEET APPLAUDING]

*actual line from movie

Anna Karenina (2012)

Have you guys ever noticed how much Keira Knightley gasps in movies? Seriously, it's a thing. She's like a skittish deer, constantly being happened upon and shrieking. I had a roommate like that once and it was annoying as hell. Look alive, Knightley! 

***

[it is IMPERIALIST RUSSIA, but also a giant THEATER because this MOVIE is HIGH-CONCEPT]

Matthew McFayden: It's me, Sexy Darcy! I grew a hilarious mustache and have strayed from my loyal wife. Little do I know the eventual tragic consequences of my wandering wang.
His Wife: [SOBS HYSTERICALLY]
[he WRITES a LETTER to his BELOVED SISTER to ASK her to come and CHILL OUT his wife]
Keira Knightley: Oh, that scamp! Husband, may I go?
Jude Law: Yes, but I and my receding hairline disapprove.
[she BOARDS a TRAIN bound for MOSCOW, where the THEATER concept is USED CREATIVELY]
Matthew McFayden: Why it's my dear friend, country bumpkin Levin! What brings you to town, old chum?
Domhal Gleeson: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW AND MUST DECLARE MY INTENTIONS, THOUGH LOVE IS PROVINCIAL.
Matthew McFayden: Splendid! But I must warn you, she is in love with a hunk.
Domnhal Gleeson: I MUST SHOW HER MY LOVE AND ALSO MY WIG.
[meanwhile, Keira Knightley GETS OFF the TRAIN and CATCHES a GLIMPSE of an OFFICER in the BLONDEST, CURLIEST WIG ever COMMITTED to film]
Keira Knightley: Gasp! I'm intrigued. But first I must shame my sister-in-law into forgiving my brother.
[she DOES, kind of]
Matthew McFayden: Hurrah! Let's all go to a ball!
Domhal Gleeson: HELLO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, WILL YOU MARRY ME.
Alicia Vikander: Sorry, but no.
Domhal Gleeson: NOW I WILL REJECT ALL FEELINGS AND GO TEND THE FIELDS OF RUSSIA FOREVERMORE.
[the theater OPENS up to SAID FIELDS, kinda DESTROYING the MOVIE'S theater-logic, but it is BEAUTIFUL anyway]
Alicia Vikander: There's my suitor with the flaxen curls! Wait, where is he going?

Count "Original Ramen" Vronsky: I noticed you from across the room, Keira Knightley. Let us dance.
[they do a WEIRD, arm-centric DANCE as the room SPINS FRANTICALLY]
Keira Knightley: Gasp again! My feelings!
[she GAZES in the MIRROR and IMAGINES a FORESHADOWING locomotive RACING at her]
Keira Knightley: Thus begins my storyline, just 20 minutes into the movie.
Count "Platinum Labradoodle" Vronsky: I have followed you to St. Petersburg because I love you. Such is the power of arm-dancing.
Keira Knightley: Do not pursue me at every social event!
[he DOES]
Jude Law: Your not-so-furtive glances at 2002 Justin Timberlake are attracting attention from society.
Keira Knightley: I don't know what you're talking about!
[she GOES to Count "Young Amy March" Vronsky's HOUSE and they BONE]
Keira Knightley: Finally I know happiness! Let us liaise all over St. Petersburg!
[there are MANY super-tight SHOTS of their WIGS TANGLING mid-LOVEMAKING]
Count "But Why is it SO Blonde" Vronsky: I shall race for you, my lady, on my beloved horse.
[he CARESSES the Horse's FLANKS for TOO LONG]
Lady Mary Crawley and that Lady from "The Affair": You are scandalous, Keira, and we love it.
[Count "I Might Be Hot But There’s No Getting Past This" Vronsky FALLS off his HORSE and he has to SHOOT it and it is the most UPSETTING thing to HAPPEN thus far]
Keira Knightley: NOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone: O.M.G.
Jude Law: You have shamed me publicly. I'm furious but my voice will never raise above a whisper.
Keira Knightley: Well, I'm pregnant and it's not yours, because you insist on using a weird 1890s condom.
Jude Law: If only it was 1998. My golden curls would have wiped the goddamn floor with Time-Traveling Spencer Pratt over there. This cuts the deepest.

[he TOUCHES his BALD HEAD sadly]

Jude Law: You are depraved* and can no longer see your son that you never really saw anyway.
Keira Knightley: I am distraught! Also I think that Count "Mama Rose and her Hollywood Blondes" Vronsky is cheating on me!
[she STARTS to DIE in CHILDBIRTH for ATTENTION but is EVENTUALLY fine and has her BABY]
Meanwhile in SUBPLOT-LAND...
Domhal Gleeson: I HAVE TRIED TO SOOTHE MY ANGUISH WITH GRAIN THRASHING BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH. I MUST GO AND TRY TO WIN ALICIA VIKANDER’S HEART AGAIN.
Alicia Vikander: I was a foolish child to love Season Two Felicity instead of you.
[they VISIT and PLAY some kind of SCRABBLE game with GIANT blocks for like, EVER, and I GUESS they AGREE to get MARRIED]
Keira Knightley: I want to rejoin society. I'm not ashamed of what I've done, though I've spent the last 20 minutes of this film weeping.
Count "I'm Just...I'm Out of Ways to Describe it" Vronsky: Yeah...you’re teetering on the edge at all times so maybe that’s not the best idea.
Keira Knightley: I KNEW IT, YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME.
[she IMAGINES him BONING Cara Delevingne, who’s is RANDOMLY in this MOVIE]
Keira Knightley: There is only one way to be at peace.
[she WALKS in SUPER-SLOW MOTION through the THEATER because OH RIGHT, this is in a THEATER and THROWS herself under a TRAIN]
Everyone: [SADNESS MONTAGE]
[a BE-HATTED Jude Law SITS in a FLOWER FIELD while his son and Keira's SCANDAL daughter PLAY]
Director Joe Wright: My concept was amazing until it wasn't. Hope you enjoyed the wig parade.

*actual line from movie

A Few Good Men

 

Ah, Sorkin. Remember the early 90's, when your ego hadn't swallowed you whole and you could write non-grandiose dialogue and a female character that wasn't a TOTAL idiot, just kind of an idiot? Take us back.

***

[it is Washington, D.C.]

Demi Moore: Two soldiers murdered one of their coworkers in Guantanamo but I don’t think it’s their fault. As a capable, confident female naval officer-attorney excelling in a traditionally male space, I respectfully ask to take on their case.
The Men in Charge: Lol. Get out.
[we FLASHBACK to GUANTANAMO in the RECENT PAST]
That Guy in Every Sorkin Movie: This young solider wants a transfer and keeps breaking the chain of command because we ignore him.
Kiefer Sutherland: He’s a pu**y and I hate him!
Jack Nicholson: Calm down, boys. Let’s keep him here and whip him into shape.
[he WIGGLE-WAGGLES his GROSS EYEBROWS]
[back in present-day D.C., at a SOFTBALL PRACTICE where Tom Cruise at MAXIMUM CHARM beans GROUNDERS]
Demi Moore: So, I hear you’ve been assigned as lead counsel on this case. I know all about you. Harvard grad, son of a famous litigator, two years in the Navy, loves to plea bargain, possibly wearing lifts…
Tom Cruise: Thanks for providing all that exposition, sweetcheeks. Now scram, I have a scrimmage to win!
Demi Moore: Well as your superior officer, I'm joining this defense team!
Tom Cruise: Sure, whatever, I’m just gonna plea bargain cause I love to plea bargain as much as I love to make witty rejoinders. Also, these guys are murderers.
Demi Moore: Have you ever heard of a Code Red? Yeah, I didn’t think so.* 
Tom Cruise: I am mildly intrigued, but there is softball to be played and Yoo-Hoo to be consumed and work is boring! Let’s go to Guantanamo to check some boxes.
Kevin Pollack: Better wear the whites.*
Tom Cruise: I hate the whites.*
[they all GO to GUANTANAMO where Noah Wylie is their JEEP DRIVER]
Jack Nicholson: Welcome, chums. Nice whites. I’m here to be both ingratiatingly helpful and mildly sinister.
[they GO to a LUNCH filled with MALE GLADHANDING]
Demi Moore: I have some actual questions about what went down here. 
Tom Cruise: Hey, shut up. 
Jack Nicholson: Let her speak, but first let me tell you boys about how nice it is when powerful women blow you.
[he STARES Demi DOWN with his PERVERT BROWS but she is UNRUFFLED]
Tom Cruise: Yikes. I mean...yeah, women, amirite? Oh, before we go I’d like the dead guy's files, if that’s cool. 
Jack Nicholson: You have to ask me nicely.*
Tom Cruise: That was weird. And this file is also weird. I feel like something is missing…but I still just want to plea bargain, cause there are pickup basketball games to attend! 
[they MEET with their CLIENTS who are very MILITARISTIC and OPAQUE but EVENTUALLY say that they were ORDERED to do a Code Red which means you BEAT the SHIT out of your BROTHER-IN-ARMS to MAKE him HAPPIER and more PRODUCTIVE]

Kevin Bacon: I’m the prosecutor on this case and since you’re my b-ball bro, I’ll do you a solid and plead them down to two years if you don’t mention this “Code Red” nonsense.
Tom Cruise: Great! Let’s wrap this up, soldiers.
The Alpha Soldier: No. We did nothing wrong. We were ordered, and you follow orders. 
Demi Moore: To trial it is!
Tom Cruise: Aw MAN, now I have to work! Good thing I’m the most brilliant litigator to never try a case.
[he and Demi and Kevin Pollack PREPARE for the CASE in MONTAGE FORM and we SEE Cruise’s GENIUS BLOSSOM]
Tom Cruise: I will put on this uniform and be very handsome cause let’s be honest, I really am. Time to trial!
[he MAKES a VERY SORKIN-Y opening statement to DEMONSTRATE his COCKSURE COURTROOM STYLE]
Kevin Bacon: I call to the stand many “hey, it’s that guy!” witnesses, including Cuba Gooding Jr. and Christopher Guest.
[Tom Cruise is BRILLIANT all the TIME in his REBUTTALS]
Demi Moore: It’s going GREAT. 
[the BETA defendant TAKES the STAND and RUINS EVERYTHING]
Tom Cruise: Goddammit Demi Moore, why didn’t you prep him better? You're supposed to be the Hermione of this operation!
Demi Moore: Well Kevin Pollack is actually the one who is supposed to pr-
Tom Cruise: NO, YOUR FAULT.
Demi Moore: Want to go on a date?
[they DO and have the LEAST amount of CHEMISTRY ever RECORDED on FILM and it is NEVER SPOKEN of AGAIN]
Demi Moore: I still believe in our extremely unwinnable case with no witnesses or proof of anything.

[they LOSE a KEY WITNESS and Tom Cruise GETS DRUNK and FLAILS around in a MANNER that SUGGESTS he has NEVER actually been DRUNK in his LIFE]
Demi Moore: Call Jack Nicholson to the stand. He says that he was going to transfer the murder victim but we both know that’s not true. 
Tom Cruise: No, we will literally go to prison if we so much as suggest he did anything untoward because apparently he is King of Navy. YA DUMB.
Kevin Pollack: Your father was the greatest lawyer in history but I would still have you defend me over him because you are just that amazing at lawyering. 
Tom Cruise: You have found my weak spot because I am Tom Cruise in a Tom Cruise movie and a Tom Cruise movie just ain't a Tom Cruise movie unless I, Tom Cruise, has some kind of issue with my father, Tom Cruise Sr. Bring me my thinking bat!
[his MAGIC BAT gives him the KEY to the CASE]
Tom Cruise: I call Jack Nicholson to the stand!
Jack Nicholson: Here I am, to intimidate the shit out of you and calmly answer all of your “gotcha” questions about suitcase-packing. Adequately rattled? Are we done here? 
Tom Cruise: I didn’t dismiss you yet. Sit down. 
Jack Nicholson: Oh HELL no. Time to bring out the big Nicholson guns. You want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall.*
[he Nicholsons SO HARD]
Tom Cruise: Well look out, old timer, cause I’m gonna Cruise the hell out of you. I want the TRUTH!*
[he Cruises his FACE OFF]
Jack Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH,* whatever that means! It was I that ordered the Code Red!

Tom Cruise: I….didn’t think that would happen.

[EVERYONE is BLOWN AWAY]
Kevin Bacon: Uh...I think we have to arrest you now, Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: Wait, what?
Jury Foreman: The defendants are not guilty.
Judge: But they are dishonorably discharged. 
The Beta Soldier: What does that mean? We didn’t do anything wrong!
The Alpha Soldier: It was our duty to protect that dead wimp. We deserve this.
Tom Cruise: You don't need a badge on your arm to have honor.*
[they SALUTE each other RESPECTFULLY and I CRIED a LITTLE?]
[the movie ENDS ABRUPTLY and we have NO IDEA what happens to ANY of these PEOPLE and I have some FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS]

*actual line from movie

Annnnnd we're sort-of-back-post: Breakfast at Tiffany's

Remember when I was all "I will save the blog-child and she will thrive"? Like, a year ago? Whoops, sorry about that. Here's something for y'all - a movie from 1967 that we're all sick to death of! Happy holidays?

***

[it is the SWINGING 60’s]
Audrey Hepburn: Croissants and diamonds really go together well. Nom nom.
[she GOES home to her SWEET brownstone and is ASSAULTED by a NERD]
Nerd: Where’d you go, baby? I gave you money for the powder room! You owe meeeee.
[she BUZZES her NEIGHBOR’S buzzer and things get pretty RACIST]
Mickey Rooney: I am Japanese! Miss GoRiiiiiiiiiiigtry!!!
Audrey Hepburn: Hello DARLING! Don’t be cross with me!
[he FORGIVES her, as EVERYONE does]
George Peppard: Hi, I’m new here. Sorry I buzzed you, but I didn’t pick out this apartment for a mysterious reason. Where’s your furniture?
Audrey Hepburn: I’m naked! And sleeping in the middle of the day. Hello, cat! The phone’s in the suitcase! Oh no, I have to go to Sing Sing!
[she RUNS around QUIRKILY]
George Peppard: I am intrigued by this woman- child.
Audrey Hepburn: My DARLING friend Sally has to give me the weather report. It’s innocent! Bye!
[she RUNS off in a GIVENCHY GOWN]
Patricia Neal: Paaaaaul daaaaarling. Do you loooove the house? I couldn’t resiiiiiist.
[she is OLD and LEAVES money on his DRESSER, after they DO IT]
Audrey Hepburn: Hi. I saw your lady john leave money on your dresser. Can I come and lay in bed with you, since we are both subtly whores? I will call you Fred now.
George Peppard: Uh, ok.
Audrey Hepburn: You’re a writer. Why aren’t you writing more? I can’t imagine what could possibly inspire you here.
George Peppard: Keeping my hair perfectly shellacked takes a lot of time. But maybe something around here could be inspirational…
Audrey Hepburn: Darling! Come to my sexy party!
[there is a PERFECT party SCENE involving CAFTANS and GAYS and EYE PATCHES and CRYING into MIRRORS, while Hepburn DUMPS booze on people UNWITTINGLY]
The Guy Who Gets Face-Slashed in Psycho: Ah, that tomato really is something. A real genuine phony.
[the PARTY ends with COPS and Mickey Rooney RACISM, as ALL good PARTIES do]
Audrey Hepburn: [sits on FIRE ESCAPE and sings "Moon River" to SHOW how PERFECT and WOUNDED she is]
George Peppard: Gaaaaaaaze. Oh, my lady john is here.
Patricia Neal: Daaaaarling…there is a strange maaaaan outside your apartment building. I think my husband hired goons to waaaaatch you.
George Peppard: I’ll put a stop to this!
[he GOES to MENACE the MAN though he could not be LESS menacing]
Man in Stetson: Hi there, son. I’m here for my wife, Lulu Mae. Let me tell you the backstory, while I eat this Cracker Jack.
[he tells a LONG and BORING story about how Hepburn was a HICK who MARRIED an OLD DUDE when she was like NINE, but RAN AWAY to be a CITY floozy]
Man in Stetson: Also, I’ve been takin’ care of her dumdum brother, and I can’t do that no more. He’ll have to go into the army.
George Peppard: Though I have known Holly for roughly five minutes, I am somehow personally betrayed by this story. I will bring you to her!
Audrey Hepburn: I just CAN’T go back with you, darling! Here’s some money for my beloved dimwit brother. Take care of him.
[they put Stetson on a BUS to the STRAINS of "Moon River"]
Audrey Hepburn: I feel guilt and want to get drunk. Let’s go watch some 60s-bodied strippers.
[they DO and she acts like a JERK]
Audrey Hepburn: Sorry I was a jerk last night. It’s just my jam. Let’s spend the day doing new things! Isn’t it great how we are both whores and don’t have to worry about day jobs?
[they STEAL from a five-and-ten, go to the LIBRARY and harass Mr. Banks at TIFFANYS where they get a CRACKER JACK ring ENGRAVED]
George Peppard: Everything is amazing. Now I will kiss her into a camera smeared with Vaseline. And break up with my lady john.
Patricia Neal: Oh, so it’s like thaaaaat, huh?
[she BURNS him in an ELEGANT way and you SUDDENLY wish the WHOLE movie was about HER]
George Peppard: I love you, Holly!
Audrey Hepburn: Oh darling, don’t be silly, I couldn’t possibly be with you. I have to marry for money!
[she GETS herself ENGAGED to a HOT, RICH Brazilian dude]
George Peppard: Nerd rage!
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME later…]
Audrey Hepburn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Hot Brazilian Dude: Please to help, man resembling Ken doll! The weird woman-child is loco!
[he FINDS her DESTROYING her APARTMENT because her BROTHER is DEAD and it is SAD, but also, maybe Audrey Hepburn isn’t SUPER great at ACTING?]
George Peppard: I’m sorry about your brother. Let’s hang out one more time before you go to Brazil.
[they have a PLEASANT time, but then she gets ARRESTED for the MOB thing that happened like, HOURS ago]
George Peppard: I bailed you out of jail because I am a classic “nice guy” who thinks he’s being a great friend but is really just trying to blackmail you into loving him. Anyway, your filthy foreign fiancé is dumping you because you are scandalous.
Audrey Hepburn: Whatever. I’ll go to Brazil anyway and have an adventure.
George Peppard: No! You have to stay here, because you belong to me, because I am a creep!
Audrey Hepburn: No! I am free, just like the nameless cat!
[she LETS the CAT out of the CAB and then INSTANTLY runs after it]
Audrey Hepburn: This rain-soaked cat has made me realize that I love you.
[they MAKE out and I hope that he SELLS a STORY or SOMETHING, because they are STILL both WHORES]

 

Guest Post: My Week with Marilyn

Once again, Laura McClain picks up the slack where I have let it fall. Also I had NO idea Emma Watson was in this AT ALL until I read this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is 1956]

Freckled Youth: Jolly good. Though my family is rich and I literally live in a castle, I have decided that I want to shame them and go into the movie business.

His Dad: Good luck, son. FYI, you can come back to a boring research job when your stupid dream is dead.

[he GOES to LONDON to try to WORK for Laurence Olivier's PRODUCTION COMPANY]

Freckled Youth: Cheerio! I'd like a job, sir! It's fine if it's unpaid, for I am a rich boy!

Olivier Lackey: Hmph! No jobs in the movie business here!

Freckled Youth: No worries! I'll just wait in the office until a job comes along.

[he WAITS on a LEATHER COUCH and FETCHES Noel Coward's PRIVATE NUMBER to show his PLUCK]

Kenneth Branagh: Hello! Though I am a celebrated Shakespearean actor, I am an astonishingly poor choice to play Olivier.

Julia Ormond: I'm worse! You won't even realize I'm playing Vivian Leigh until it's expressly stated. Hello, my boy. We know your parents. Give him a job on your movie, Larry.

Kenneth Branagh: Right-o! You are now third assistant director, sort of due to your pluck, but mostly due to nepotism. I am getting ready for a new movie, starring.....MARILYN MONROE.

Freckled Youth: Guhhhhhhhhhh.

Assistant Director of the Movie: You will be my bitch on this film! Do as I say!

Hermione Granger: I work in the costume shop and will not date you!

Freckled Youth: Please?

Hermione Granger: OK.

[they GO on a DATE and it is BORING]

Kenneth Branagh: Come to the airport to greet Marilyn.

[a MILLION flashbulbs GO OFF, BLINDING the MOVIE AUDIENCE]

Michelle Williams: Why hello! Boo-doo-dee-doop!

[she CHARMS everyone at a PRESS CONFERENCE]

Freckled Youth: She's amazing.

Michelle Williams: I am adorably damaged, like a sexy baby. Here is my acting coach. She's basically around to soothe my fears. I sure have a lot of them!

[her ACTING COACH gives her METHOD line readings at a TABLE READ, REMINDING everyone how DUMB method acting is]

Michelle Williams: I am too damaged by life to learn my lines or be punctual.

Judi Dench: I get to be nice in this movie. Everything you're doing is perfect, Marilyn. You are perfect. Let me kiss your fine, fine ass.

[Marilyn FUCKS UP a LOT and Branagh is ANNOYED]

Kenneth Branagh: What the fuck is wrong with her? Why is she always twelve hours late to everything? Go get her, freckled youth.

[he SEES her NAKED and is all "guhhhhhh" AGAIN]

Michelle Williams: I am wounded! My husband is writing a cruel character based on me. LITTLE GIRL LOST!

Arthur Miller: Blerg. I'm going back to America. You deal with her, Freckles.

Freckled Youth: And how!

[they BEGIN an INNOCENT friendship CONSISTING of CONSTANT praise on Freckles' PART]

Michelle Williams: I don't understand this character! How can I play her??

Kenneth Branagh: Darling, just be sexy! Isn't that what you do?

[she FLIPS OUT]

Michelle Williams: Everyone here hates me because they love me, but they don't really love me and they hate me. Or something. Life is so hard for Marilyn Monroooooe. I can't even go shopping.

[this is TREATED like the TRAGEDY it is]

Hermione Granger: So I guess we're not dating anymore?

Freckled Youth: Um....kind of trading up.

[he and Marilyn have a GLORIOUS day of VISITING castles and boarding schools where she LOOKS at PAINTINGS and SHAKES her ASS for the COMMON folk]

Michelle Williams: I feel so free! Let's swim naked for exactly two minutes!

[he GETS a WATER boner]

Kenneth Branagh: Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up. She's much better on set.

Acting Coach: Marilyn is wigging out again.

[she WEEPS a LOT and TAKES more PILLS and STARES FORLORNLY at THINGS]

Freckled Youth: I love you, Marilyn. I want to take care of you.

Michelle Williams: My mother was in an institution. Here is a picture of Abraham Lincoln. I pretend he is my father, cause i don't know who my father was. Also I am smart based on this copy of Ulysses on my nightstand. I AM ALL THINGS.

[she PASSES OUT]

Everyone in the Movie: She will BREAK YOUR HEART.

Freckled Youth: Everything will be fine!

Michelle Williams: I lost a baby! Maybe? Nobody will ever discuss this again!

[she WEEPS and is CATATONIC some more]

Kenneth Branagh: Well, we finished the movie. Arthur Miller is coming back to pick up his wife. Bad luck, old chap.

Freckled Youth: Maybe she still loves me? Or something?

Michelle Williams: I don't. But thanks for taking pity on me and then building up my self-esteem, though that is pretty much impossible.

[he CRIES and everyone is like "duh"]

Michelle Williams: Bye! I will kiss you, which is kind of mean.

[he and Branagh WATCH CLIPS of the movie, which LOOKS genuinely TERRIBLE]

Kenneth Branagh: Haha. She's the greatest actress ever. I hate her. What a week, right?

Freckled Youth: Week?

The King's Speech

As usual, because this movie was good, the condensed version is kind of boring. See it! Also, I think this might be the most disparate poster-quality-to-movie-quality ratio EVER, because WOW is that poster ever shitty. This one is better, but I needed you guys to see this Photoshop disaster.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is ENGLAND in the 1930s]
Colin Firth: I'm just the p- p- p- p- the Duke of York. This stammer shouldn't affect me.
[he TRIES to give a speech but CANNOT]
Helena Bonham Carter: It's fine, darling! We'll find you a speech therapist.
[they TRY, but everyone CANNOT help him]
Colin Firth: Oh b-b-b-b-b-bother.
Helena Bonham Carter: Perhaps this fellow whose office is in the basement could help us! Oh dear, he's Australian. No matter.
Geoffrey Rush: Yes, indeed I could, but your husband must come to my office.
Helena Bonham Carter: You know he's the Duke of York, right?
Geoffrey Rush: Oh. Well, still. He must come here.
Colin Firth: Hello, Dr. Logue.
Geoffrey Rush: No, no. We must be equals. Call me Lionel. And I'll call you Bertie.
Colin Firth: ONLY MY FAMILY CALLS ME THAT!!
[they BUTT HEADS but then WORK TOGETHER]
Geoffrey Rush: No! Don't smoke!
Colin Firth: All my physicians say it's good for me.
Geoffrey Rush: Well, they're all idiots.*
Colin Firth: They've all been knighted.*
Geoffrey Rush: Well, it's official, then.*
[they WORK on TALKING]
Guy Pearce: Hahahahaha! I'm going to be king, but I want to marry a twice-divorced American! Also I love to party!!
[their DAD, the KING, dies]
Guy Pearce: Oh bugger! Now I've got to be king! But I don't want to! Wah wah wah!!
[he ABDICATES the THRONE and everyone is like WHAT THE FUUUUUCKKKK]
Wallis Simpson: Haha! We might be Nazis!!
Colin Firth: Well, I guess I'm going to be king now.
Geoffrey Rush: You can do it!
Colin Firth: Shut up!! No I can't! Also, you are a fraud because you are not really a doctor!!
Geoffrey Rush: I just wanted to help people and be your friend!!!
Elizabeth Bennett: Darling, who are these people in our house?
Geoffrey Rush: Oh, it's just the king and queen, don't worry.
Elizabeth Bennett: Bwaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!
Colin Firth: Thank you for helping me. Now we can win World War II.
England: Yayyyy!

Guest Post: An Education

I know two things about this movie:
1. Carey Mulligan is the cutest
2. Whenever I see Saaarsgaaaaaaard, I am reminded that one of my friends once said he looked "unifinished, like a fetus"

So hopefully you'll enjoy this offering from Laura McClain anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is a LONDON burb in the 1960’s]

Carey Mulligan: Ho hum. My middle-class schoolgirl lifestyle is pretty boring. At least I have these adorable dimples.

[we SEE a MONTAGE of her doing SCHOOL-LIKE things, and being BRAINY]

Alfred Molina: You need to be more involved if you want to get into Oxford! Go play the cello, even though you don’t like it!

Carey Mulligan: Ugh, fine, dad.

[she PLAYS in the ORCHESTRA and then gets CAUGHT in a RAINSTORM]

Peter Saarsgaard: Cheerio! I am a music lover, and I don’t want your cello to get ruined! Why don’t you put it in my car and then walk alongside? Then you don’t have to worry about me attacking you!

Carey Mulligan: Okay, older gentleman. Thanks!
[they have a PLEASANT conversation about MUSIC and he DRIVES her HOME]

Peter Saarsgaaaard: Hello again! Do you want to come and hear some classical music with me at a posh place! My friends will be there too, so it’s not too creepy. Is it? Is this getting a little creepy?

Carey Mulligan: I am intrigued! But my parents will never let me.

Peter Saaaaarsgaaaaaard: Leave them to me!

[he is INCREDIBLY CHARMING to her PARENTS and CONVINCES them to let her GO]

Rosamund Pike: Hallo! I am here and very glamorous! And my boyfriend is oh so hot!

Dominic Cooper: Yes. Yes I am.

[they GO to the CONCERT and Carey Mulligan PETS Rosamund’s FUR to REMIND us that she is a CHILD]

Carey Mulligan: Beautiful music and fancy restaurants! This is the life I want to live!

[they GO to an AUCTION on a SCHOOL DAY and Saaaaaargaaaaaard LETS her BUY a CLASSICAL painting]

Carey Mulligan: Wow, Dominic Cooper, your apartment certainly is ostentatious! What do you guys do, anyway?

Saaaaaaaarsgaaaard: Uh…nothing. Hey, let’s all go away to Oxford next weekend!

Carey Mulligan: Dude. 16 years old, remember?

Saaaaarsgaaaard: Leave it to me.

[he GETS her PARENTS to LET her go by SAYING he KNOWS C.S. Lewis and is an Oxford GRAD which is a BIG FAT LIE]

Carey Mulligan: Yahoo!

[Rosamund Pike DRESSES her UP like a LADY though she is still JAILBAIT]

Rosamund Pike: You haven’t slept with him yet? Good for you!*

Carey Mulligan: Shit, am I supposed to do that?!

[at the HOTEL]

Saaaaaarsgaaaaaaard: Oh Minnie, you’re so beautiful. Come to bed.

Carey Mulligan: Yeah…I’m a virgin. And I want to stay that way until my seventeenth birthday, which should really indicate to you that I’m still a little girl with an idealized vision of love and sex.

Saaaaaarsgaaaaaaaaard: That’s cool. Can I see your boobs?

[he and Dominic Cooper ACT SHADY and then go STEAL a MAP from an OPEN HOUSE]

Carey Mulligan: My faith in you is shaken!

Saaaarsgaaaaaaaaard: [WORKS his CHARM MAGIC on her]

Carey Mulligan: Never mind, it’s totes okay! I am as naïve about men as I am smart in my English class!

Olivia Williams: As your stern but kind teacher, I am freaked out for you, Carey. You could do so much more than date old creepers!

Carey Mulligan: Pshaw. Everything is great. He’s even taking me to Paris for my birthday!

[believe it or NOT, Saaaarsgaaaaaaaard CONVINCES her PARENTS to TAKE her to PARIS, because he is a WIZARD or SOMETHING]

Girls at School: Paris! Boyfriend! Cigarettes! We all want to live vicariously through you!

Emma Thompson: Though I am in full Margaret Thatcher drag, I am the headmistresses of this school. Basically, if you pop your cherry, you’re kicked out, Mulligan.

Carey Mulligan: Duly noted.

[she and Saaarsgaaaard GO to Paris and START to AWKWARDLY bone]

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarsgaaaaaaaaaard: I thought we could use this to get the messy part over with.*

[he BRANDISHES a BANANA, and you’re like, SMOOTH, dude]

Carey Mulligan: I don’t want to lose my virginity to a piece of fruit!*

[they EVENTUALLY bone, and FROLIC in Paris and it’s CUTE but for the whole STATUTORY RAPE thing]

Rosamund Pike: It’s great to see you guys again! Let’s go to a sexy party!

[they DO and Dominic Cooper GETS up in Mulligan’s BUSINESS and it is NOTED by their PARTNERS]

Saaaarsgaaaaaaaard: I’m freaked out that someone else has noticed that you are hot. Marry me!

Carey Mulligan: Whaaaa?

Alfred Molina: Well, you don’t have to worry about Oxford if you marry him!

Her Mom: He’ll take good care of you!

Carey Mulligan: If this is all you wanted for me, why didn’t you just have me trolling round nightclubs?*

[they get ENGAGED and Olivia Williams is SAD]

Emma Thompson: So, I guess this means you’re deflowered. OUT.

Carey Mulligan: I don’t need school anyway! I don’t want to be bored and boring. Peace.

[Saaaarsgaaaaaaaard TAKES her and her PARENTS to DINNER]

Carey Mulligan: Just going to get a ciggie out of the glove box….whaaaaaaa?

[she SEES mail ADDRESSED to him and his WIFE, and you’re all I KNEW IT]

Carey Mulligan: You have to tell my parents that you’re married. Be a man.

Saaaaarsgaaaaaaaard: [SCREECHES AWAY in his CAR]

Alfred Molina: I’m sorry that we steered you wrong and were so hard on you. We just wanted you to be happy.

Carey Mulligan: Weeeeeeep! My life is ruined! You’re my only hope, Olivia Williams. I want to be the smart good girl again!

Olivia Williams: I will help you. Men are pigs.

[she STUDIES REAL HARD and gets in to OXFORD]

Carey Mulligan: Hooray! Good thing Saaarsss didn’t knock me up!

Black Swan

[it is A BALLET STAGE]
Natalie Portman: I'm dancing! I'm dancing the Swan Queen and I'm beautiful!! Oh, it was all a dream. I guess I'm just in my pink bedroom full of stuffed animals.
Barbara Hershey: Sweetheart? Let me help you get dressed.
Natalie Portman: Ugh, Mom, I'm an adult.
Barbara Hershey: NO YOU ARE NOT. Have fun at work. Make sure you're the best ballerina ever, because I need to live vicariously through you.
[she goes and DANCES with lots of TECHNIQUE but very little PASSION]
Vincent Cassel: Allo, dancers. I weel be peecking a new Swan Queen this year. It will be VERY IMPORTANT. I am French.
[they have AUDITIONS and Natalie Portman is REAL GOOD but NOT SEXY ENOUGH]
Mila Kunis: Ha ha! I wear black and laugh a lot! This is because I am sexual, UNLIKE YOU.
Natalie Portman: I am fragile! I didn't get the part!
[she WEEPS and tears at her FINGERNAILS]
Barbara Hershey: You go in there and get that part.
Natalie Portman: Um, so, I was hoping I could be the Swan Queen.
Vincent Cassel: Ow weel you convince me, eh?
[he KISSES her and it is CREEPY and she BITES him]
Vincent Cassel: Now I see you have ze passion. YOU ARE MY NEW SWAN QUEEN.
Winona Ryder: Noooooooooooo! I am in this movieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
Vincent Cassel: Pay no mind to her, she is washed up, non?
[there is a GALA]
Vincent Cassel: The sex, do you like it?
Natalie Portman: Uh, haha, I'm innocent! Look! I'm even wearing a white gown. All white and pink, all the time! Byeeee!
[she WEEPS some more]
Barbara Hershey: What are these scratches on your back? ARE YOU SCRATCHING YOURSELF?
[she VIOLENTLY clips Natalie Portman's NAILS and it is ICKY]
Natalie Portman: I must find the passion in my dance!
[she TRIES to do that, but DOES NOT because of her INNOCENCE and FRAGILITY]
Mila Kunis: Let's smoke in the rehearsal space! I am a bad girl! Wooooo!
Vincent Cassel: Your friend Mila Kunis tells me I am working you too hard.
Natalie Portman: What? No!!
Mila Kunis: Sorry about that. To make up for it, I will take you out for a drink and then drug you.
[they go to a RAVE, which is apparently STILL A THING]
Natalie Portman: Ha ha! Rebelling against my mother is the best!
Mila Kunis: I know, right?! Let's make out!!
[they DO, and then have SEX and it is HOT???? but actually more CREEPY]
Natalie Portman: Oh my god, why did you just leave my house this morning?
Mila Kunis: Ummmm what? Wait, did you have a lezzie wet dream about me?* LOL YOU DID!
Natalie Portman: I don't know what's real!!!!
[she finds a FEATHER growing out of her BACK]
Natalie Portman: What is happening to me?!?!? I'm so skinny but still pretty but so creeped out right now!!
[she sees a figure COVERED IN BLOOD]
Lauren and Claire: AAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Natalie Portman: I will go talk to Winona Ryder, who is in the hospital because she ran in front of a car earlier.
[she gives Winona back the NAIL FILE she stole from her and Winona stabs HER OWN FACE with it]
Natalie Portman: Things!! Happening! Weird things!!! BUT I MUST DANCE.
[it is the NIGHT OF THE SHOW]
Mila Kunis: Oh, hey, FYI, I'm your alternate, which is apparently what we call understudies in dancing? Promise I'm not trying to be you or anything.
Natalie Portman: Yes you are!!!
[she fucking STABS her with a piece of a MIRROR and it is like DAMN]
Natalie Portman: Oh my god!! BUT I MUST DANCE.
[she DANCES like she's NEVER DANCED BEFORE and starts to TURN INTO a BLACK SWAN]
Vincent Cassel: Zut alors! You have found ZE PASSION.
Natalie Portman: But what about the body in my dressing room?
Mila Kunis: Heyyyyy I'm not dead! You are going crazy! And actually you stabbed yourself, haha!!
Natalie Portman: Oh, shit, I did. BUT I MUST DANCE.
[she DOES, and is PERFECT, and then DIES?]
Darren Aronofsky: BEHOLD MY GENIUS!! BEHOLD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guest Post: The Hurt Locker

Okay, I don't want to set a precedent here of fan-submitted UCMs, because then I might have to be like "no, I ain't like this" and make you feel sad. And no one wants that. But GUYS. Raych, of the super-hilarious and informative Books I Done Read, has submitted this one and let me tell you: it is fan-effing-tastic. If you submit something, make sure it is this great.

I also want to take this moment to point out that the porn title in last week's ep of 30 Rock for this movie was The Pert Knockers. It was not spoken, it just showed up behind Jack on the Kabletown guide. That is all. Enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[It is IRAQ]

That Guy from Memento: War is kind of fun! Let’s make some dick jokes.

Anthony Mackie: Ok. Hey, the hastily-cobbled-together wagon we sent to go set off that bomb fell apart.

That Guy from Memento: I’ll put on the bomb-repellant suit and go set it off myself. I’m the Team Leader, so you sort of assume that I’m not going to get killed because you’ve forgotten that I’m not really in that one trailer you saw.

Me: [assumes he’s not going to get killed (see: above)]

[The bomb EXPLODES and he is KILLED, illustrating both that this job is DANGEROUS and that the SUIT will not SAVE you.]

[It is LATER at the ARMY BASE and there is LOUD MUSIC]

Anthony Mackie: Uh, hey.

Jeremy Renner: What is UP? I am your new Team Leader. I am going to remove this plywood that blocks this window, even though it’s supposed to protect us from air raids, because I am a RECKLESS MAVERICK.

Anthony Mackie: Ok.

[They go on several MISSIONS to defuse BOMBS and Jeremy Renner is SUPER GOOD at defusing BOMBS, but also prone to doing RECKLESS THINGS like taking off his HEADSET and tugging UNNECESSARILY HARD on WIRES that are attached to BOMBS and not wearing the BOMB-REPELLANT SUIT.]

Jeremy Renner: [sets off a smoke flare for no reason except so that his team can’t SEE HIM to make sure none of the INSURGENTS attack his ass, which is sort of their JOB]

Me: Now that’s just silly.

Brian Geraghty: Hello? I haven’t really done much til now, but I’d just like to mention that I’m also on this team? Also, I’m very very frightened of dying in battle, FYI.

[They run into some OTHER AMERICANS in the DESERT who have a FLAT TIRE and they BANTER for COMIC RELIEF and it is actually FUCKING HILARIOUS but then they are SHOT at by IRAQIS and have to HUNKER DOWN in a CREVASSE of SAND.]

Jeremy Renner: Now I will show my TRUE COLORS as Team Leader, by being really gentle and soothing with Brian Geraghty, who is sort of losing his shit, and by giving my juice pack to Anthony Mackie even though I’m obviously REALLY THIRSTY. See my human side!

[They KILL the Iraqis DEAD and Jeremy Renner is ACTUALLY SORT OF GOOD at LEADING.]

Me: [is still sort of fed up with him]

Jeremy Renner: Fine, how about I make friends with this Iraqi kid named Beckham? Look, I let him win at soccer.

Me: [relents, because kids winning at soccer are cute]

[They go to a suspected BOMB SITE where the BOMB is inside a DEAD KID who is OBVIOUSLY not BECKHAM but who JEREMY RENNER thinks IS]

Jeremy Renner: Aghhhhh! My human side! It burns!

[He sends everyone OUT and sheds some MANLY TEARS. He goes on a RAMPAGE to find the ones RESPONSIBLE but INSTEAD meets a VERY NICE Iraqi professor and is BEATEN UP by the professor’s WIFE and it is RANDOM]

[They go to ANOTHER bomb site and it is NIGHT and there is basically just a lot of SHRIEKING and FLAMES.]

Anthony Mackie: Well, this bomb has already gone off, so I’m not sure why we’re here.

Brian Geraghty: [concurs]

Jeremy Renner: I AM ADDICTED TO ADRENALINE! Plus I just got beat up by a professor’s wife. Let’s split up in the dark and try to find some bad guys.

Anthony Mackie: Um, no?

Jeremy Renner: [pulls rank]

Anthony Mackie: [obeys, because he is a GOOD SOLDIER]

[They SPLIT UP and Brian Geraghty is CAPTURED by BAD GUYS and they SAVE HIM but Jeremy Renner accidentally SHOOTS HIM in the LEG.]

[It is LATER and Brian Geraghty is being HELICOPTERED out of IRAQ.]

Brian Geraghty: I’m actually really pissed about this. You think this is where I say something chummy to demonstrate how close we’ve grown despite your recklessness, but I am seriously choked.

[Jeremy Renner sees Beckham and realizes that the DEAD KID was NOT Beckham and this proves…SOMETHING.]

[They go to YET ANOTHER BOMB SITE, but this time it is STRAPPED to a GUY]

Guy (via Translator): I wish I had not strapped on this bomb? Please help. I have children.

Jeremy Renner: No problem, I will just cut this bomb-cage off of you with bolt cutters, except shit, there is a timer and not a lot of minutes on it.

[He takes WAY TOO LONG to EXPLAIN to the guy that he CAN’T cut off the BOMB in time, which SEEMS sort of POINTLESS because the guy will be DEAD in a few seconds ANYWAYS, plus the TRANSLATOR is now WAY OVER THERE.]

Guy: [explodes]

Jeremy Renner: I have failed at something for the first time ever. I AM SO CONFLICTED.

Anthony Mackie: I’m not really sure why this needs saying, but I don’t enjoy almost dying every day.

Jeremy Renner: I…sort of enjoy almost dying every day? NOW I AM MORE CONFLICTED.

[Their TOUR of DUTY is OVER. Jeremy Renner goes HOME and raises his SON with his WIFE and grows a SKEEVY MOUSTACHE and it is BORING.]

Jeremy Renner: Oh son of mine, you love your mobile and your parents and your blanket, but I only love one thing and that’s defusing bombs.

[Jeremy Renner is in an ARMY PLANE wearing FATIGUES and looking RESOLUTE.]