Guest (But Let's Be Real She is the Only One Keeping This Thing Alive) Post: Sunset Boulevard

Ever since I largely abandoned this blog for my much-more-popular Star Trek fashion blog, Laura McClain has been reprimanding me for neglecting it. From time to time she tells me I should write one (I just saw the new Bond movie and HOO BOY is that one begging to get the UCM treatment), and I say "I totally will!!!" and then don't. Then she sends me one and shows me how it's done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is Hollywood in the 1950s, where “Every Movie’s a Circus” (I HAD TO, YOU GUYS)]

William Holden: I bet you’re wondering how I ended up dead in this pool, right? THIS is how you do a beyond-the-grave narration, Spacey!

[it is a LITTLE BIT earlier]

William Holden: I need to get a writing job. I’m supposed to be living the Hollywood dream!

Some Thugs: You’re behind on your car payments, so we’re here to vaguely menace you.

[he GOES to a FANCY PRODUCER’S office and PITCHES a STUPID-SOUNDING baseball movie but he’s still PRETTY HOT]

Fancy Producer: Eh…..

Betty Schaeffer: Fancy producer, I read this baseball script. It’s pretty retarded. Also I yell all of my lines, for no apparent reason.

William Holden: Thanks for nothing, sister.

[he MAKES a SERIES of DESPERATE phone calls to GET a JOB to NO AVAIL]

William Holden: Guess I’ll just drive my car around the streets of Hollywood.

[the THUGS see him and he LEADS them on a CHASE]

William Holden: I’ll just park my car here, in the garage of this giant monster house.

Erich von Stroheim: Ah, you are here. Madam has been waiting.

William Holden: Eh?

[he GOES into the HOUSE which is SUMPTUOUS]

Gloria Swanson: FINALLY YOU’RE HERE. WHERE IS THE TINY CASKET?

William Holden: Ehhhh? Wait a second, you’re….you’re Norma Desmond. You used to be in pictures. You used to be big.*

Gloria Swanson: I AM BIG IT’S THE PICTURES THAT GOT SMALL.*

[she sort of HISSES and DOES weird things with her HANDS]

Gloria Swanson: NOW TAKE MY BELOVED FRIEND AND BURY HIM.

[she REVEALS a DEAD MONKEY that is not REALISTIC, but you’re still like AAAAA]

William Holden: I’m not a monkey undertaker (lol). I’m a writer.

Gloria Swanson: A WRITER, EH? PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MY 700-PAGE SCRIPT FOR SALOME. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE THAT MOVIE, OBVIOUSLY.

William Holden: I guess I could try to bilk you out of some dough.

[he TYPES in her LIVING ROOM decorated with old PHOTOS of her which is a HOT BITCH move]

Erich von Stroheim: Your things are in the guest bedroom over the garage. I moved them from your apartment.

William Holden: This is creepy, but I’m going to see how it plays out for some reason.

[they WORK on her SCRIPT and WATCH her old MOVIES and she TOUCHES his INNER THIGH a LOT and YELLS]

Gloria Swanson: WATCH MY CHARLIE CHAPLIN ROUTINE. I HAVE STILL GOT IT.

Erich von Stroheim: I have moved you into the husband’s old bedroom. It is next to Madame’s.

William Holden: Gross. Yet I will continue to live here.

Gloria Swanson: I BOUGHT YOU SOME NEW SUITS. PUT ON YOUR TUX FOR MY NEW YEAR’S PARTY.

William Holden: When are the other guests getting here?

Gloria Swanson: WE JUST NEED US. AND MAX, WHO IS STARING AT US WEIRDLY.

William Holden: Just us? But why….oh. Ohhhhhh.

Audience: No duh, Holden.

William Holden: Yeah, I reaaaaaaaaaaaaally don’t want to get with that.

Gloria Swanson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[he LEAVES to go  PARTY with NORMAL people]

Betty Schaeffer: Hi! Sorry I was a bitch about your script. I am scrappy and cute and I still yell all my lines for some reason! I liked a story you wrote once and want to make it into a movie.

William Holden: Hmmmmmmm.

Erich von Stroheim: [on PHONE] You must come back. Madame has slit her wrists in a fit of attention-seeking.

William Holden: Shit.

Gloria Swanson: YOU DON’T LOVE MEEEEEEE. LET ME DIIIIIIIE.

William Holden: Oh, SHIT.

[he FUCKS her, MERCIFULLY off-screen]

Gloria Swanson: TRA LA EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL. AND MR. MAYER HAS CALLED! HE WANTS ME BACK. THEY ALL WANT ME BACK.

[they GO to the STUDIO and she looks FLY as FUCK]

Cecil de Mille: Uh, hi Norma. What are you doing here?

[all the TEAMSTERS and old WARDROBE ladies SURROUND her and FAWN and it’s NICE to see this BITCH get the RESPECT she DESERVES]

Cecil de Mille: We just wanted to rent her hilariously old car for a movie. But never tell her that. She was the greatest of them all!

[meanwhile, OUTSIDE]

William Holden: Hello, loud yelling girl. You can use my story to write a screenplay.

Betty Schaeffer: Write it with me!

William Holden: Hmmmmmmmm.

[he SNEAKS out a LOT to WRITE with her and it’s OK, but you JUST WANT to get back to the MANSE of DELUSION]

Gloria Swanson: I MUST BE PERFECT FOR MY COMEBACK! SLATHER ME WITH CREAMS.

[there is a SLATHERING montage]

Betty Schaeffer: I’m breaking up with my fiancé. I love you, predictably.

[they MAKE OUT]

Erich von Stroheim: Your sneaking out has distressed Madam. I will do anything to protect her. I discovered her and was her director. AND HER HUSBAND.

[there is a HILARIOUSLY DRAMATIC musical CUE]

Gloria Swanson: I KNOW THERE IS ANOTHER GIRL. LOOK AT MY HANDS, JOE! I’M FALLING APART!

[she CALLS Betty to TELL her William Holden’s TERRIBLE GIGOLO secret]

William Holden: Yes, Betty, come over. See the truth!

Betty Schaeffer: Let’s get out of here!

William Holden: No, I hate you now. I know I’m the protagonist, but I’m really just kind of a dick.

Gloria Swanson: NOW I HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF.

William Holden: I’m leaving you, Norma.

Gloria Swanson: YOU CAN’T! MAAAAAAAAAAAX!

William Holden: Tell her, Max! Tell her about the car and that you write all her fan mail and that she’s a miserable disgusting failure!

Erich von Stroheim: Madame is the greatest star of them all.*

[Holden PEACES OUT and Gloria Swanson HISSES a LOT and gets CRAZY EYES and then SHOOTS his ASS and you’re like, GOOD]

Reporters: Hubbub! Hubbub! What a scoop!

Gloria Swanson: [SITS CATATONICALLY]

Some Reporter: The news cameras are here.

Gloria Swanson: CAMERAS?

Erich von Stroheim: Uh, yeah. I will support your delusion because I am a good person.

Gloria Swanson: I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK ON SET AND TO BE WITH YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN THE DARK [HISSSSSSS]. I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP MR. DEMILLE.*

[she WRITHES a LOT at the CAMERA and it RULES]

Guest Post: My Week with Marilyn

Once again, Laura McClain picks up the slack where I have let it fall. Also I had NO idea Emma Watson was in this AT ALL until I read this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is 1956]

Freckled Youth: Jolly good. Though my family is rich and I literally live in a castle, I have decided that I want to shame them and go into the movie business.

His Dad: Good luck, son. FYI, you can come back to a boring research job when your stupid dream is dead.

[he GOES to LONDON to try to WORK for Laurence Olivier's PRODUCTION COMPANY]

Freckled Youth: Cheerio! I'd like a job, sir! It's fine if it's unpaid, for I am a rich boy!

Olivier Lackey: Hmph! No jobs in the movie business here!

Freckled Youth: No worries! I'll just wait in the office until a job comes along.

[he WAITS on a LEATHER COUCH and FETCHES Noel Coward's PRIVATE NUMBER to show his PLUCK]

Kenneth Branagh: Hello! Though I am a celebrated Shakespearean actor, I am an astonishingly poor choice to play Olivier.

Julia Ormond: I'm worse! You won't even realize I'm playing Vivian Leigh until it's expressly stated. Hello, my boy. We know your parents. Give him a job on your movie, Larry.

Kenneth Branagh: Right-o! You are now third assistant director, sort of due to your pluck, but mostly due to nepotism. I am getting ready for a new movie, starring.....MARILYN MONROE.

Freckled Youth: Guhhhhhhhhhh.

Assistant Director of the Movie: You will be my bitch on this film! Do as I say!

Hermione Granger: I work in the costume shop and will not date you!

Freckled Youth: Please?

Hermione Granger: OK.

[they GO on a DATE and it is BORING]

Kenneth Branagh: Come to the airport to greet Marilyn.

[a MILLION flashbulbs GO OFF, BLINDING the MOVIE AUDIENCE]

Michelle Williams: Why hello! Boo-doo-dee-doop!

[she CHARMS everyone at a PRESS CONFERENCE]

Freckled Youth: She's amazing.

Michelle Williams: I am adorably damaged, like a sexy baby. Here is my acting coach. She's basically around to soothe my fears. I sure have a lot of them!

[her ACTING COACH gives her METHOD line readings at a TABLE READ, REMINDING everyone how DUMB method acting is]

Michelle Williams: I am too damaged by life to learn my lines or be punctual.

Judi Dench: I get to be nice in this movie. Everything you're doing is perfect, Marilyn. You are perfect. Let me kiss your fine, fine ass.

[Marilyn FUCKS UP a LOT and Branagh is ANNOYED]

Kenneth Branagh: What the fuck is wrong with her? Why is she always twelve hours late to everything? Go get her, freckled youth.

[he SEES her NAKED and is all "guhhhhhh" AGAIN]

Michelle Williams: I am wounded! My husband is writing a cruel character based on me. LITTLE GIRL LOST!

Arthur Miller: Blerg. I'm going back to America. You deal with her, Freckles.

Freckled Youth: And how!

[they BEGIN an INNOCENT friendship CONSISTING of CONSTANT praise on Freckles' PART]

Michelle Williams: I don't understand this character! How can I play her??

Kenneth Branagh: Darling, just be sexy! Isn't that what you do?

[she FLIPS OUT]

Michelle Williams: Everyone here hates me because they love me, but they don't really love me and they hate me. Or something. Life is so hard for Marilyn Monroooooe. I can't even go shopping.

[this is TREATED like the TRAGEDY it is]

Hermione Granger: So I guess we're not dating anymore?

Freckled Youth: Um....kind of trading up.

[he and Marilyn have a GLORIOUS day of VISITING castles and boarding schools where she LOOKS at PAINTINGS and SHAKES her ASS for the COMMON folk]

Michelle Williams: I feel so free! Let's swim naked for exactly two minutes!

[he GETS a WATER boner]

Kenneth Branagh: Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up. She's much better on set.

Acting Coach: Marilyn is wigging out again.

[she WEEPS a LOT and TAKES more PILLS and STARES FORLORNLY at THINGS]

Freckled Youth: I love you, Marilyn. I want to take care of you.

Michelle Williams: My mother was in an institution. Here is a picture of Abraham Lincoln. I pretend he is my father, cause i don't know who my father was. Also I am smart based on this copy of Ulysses on my nightstand. I AM ALL THINGS.

[she PASSES OUT]

Everyone in the Movie: She will BREAK YOUR HEART.

Freckled Youth: Everything will be fine!

Michelle Williams: I lost a baby! Maybe? Nobody will ever discuss this again!

[she WEEPS and is CATATONIC some more]

Kenneth Branagh: Well, we finished the movie. Arthur Miller is coming back to pick up his wife. Bad luck, old chap.

Freckled Youth: Maybe she still loves me? Or something?

Michelle Williams: I don't. But thanks for taking pity on me and then building up my self-esteem, though that is pretty much impossible.

[he CRIES and everyone is like "duh"]

Michelle Williams: Bye! I will kiss you, which is kind of mean.

[he and Branagh WATCH CLIPS of the movie, which LOOKS genuinely TERRIBLE]

Kenneth Branagh: Haha. She's the greatest actress ever. I hate her. What a week, right?

Freckled Youth: Week?

Saint Ange/House of Voices

I promise you, this condensed version makes EXACTLY AS MUCH or possibly MORE sense than the movie.
~~~~~~~
[it is an ORPHANAGE in FRANCE]
Little Boy: Hey! There are scary children in the bathroom! In the mirror! Let's look at them by climbing on the sink!
Little Girl: Uh, that might be a bad--
Little Boy: [falls to his DEATH]
[it is a BUS STOP]
Virginie Ledoyen: Bonjour. Je suis --
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Oh, we're speaking English.
Virginie Ledoyen: But...I'm French. And you are French. Everyone in this movie is French. We're in fucking France. Why are we speaking English?
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Je ne sais p--I mean, I don't know. Anyway, come with me to the orphanage with your suitcases full of secrets.
[they go to the ORPHANAGE, but all the children are LEAVING because they all SIMULTANEOUSLY got ADOPTED, which seems UNLIKELY]
Little Girl: [mysterious whisper]
Virginie Ledoyen: Oh REALLY?!
Helenka: I am from an indeterminate non-France country, and I will be staying here with you to clean the orphanage since it's now...closed? I guess? And we're going to clean it, for some reason. Oh, and don't mind Judith.
Judith: I'm crazy! I take crazy pills!!
Helenka: Calm down!!
Virginie Ledoyen: I have a feeling something...MYSTERIOUS happened here. Like, maybe a child DIED.
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Uh, yeah, we told you that.
Virginie Ledoyen: I will uncover the SECRET!! But I also have a secret!! Ha ha ha!!
[she UNWRAPS her BELLY to reveal she is PREGGERS]
Everyone: Duh, we knew that. Why else would a super-pretty girl hole herself up in an abandoned orphanage except that she's a whore? Ha ha, whores get what the deserve.
[some DOORS open and then CLOSE]
Virginie Ledoyen: OMG SCARY!!
[she finds a CHAPEL with some PHOTOS of DEAD CHILDREN]
Creepy Black Dress Lady: That's right! You have found our secret!!!
[she removes the TARP from a CAR with a great FLOURISH]
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Yes! There were children at this orphanage! CHILDREN!! Then they died.
Virginie Ledoyen: MY GOD!!! SUCH SECRETS!!
[some FOOTSTEPS are HEARD but it is LITERALLY NOTHING]
Helenka: CALM DOWN! [something in Romanian]
[they find some KITTENS but then someone DROWNS the kittens]
Judith: You didn't want me to have the kittens!!!
Virginie Ledoyen: Let's go investigate the big bathroom where the scary children used to hang out!
[she CONVINCES Judith to stop taking her CRAZY PILLS to bring her into her INSANITY]
Judith: Yes! I am fully crazy now!
[they throw a FLASHLIGHT through the MIRROR to reveal a SECRET AREA]
Virginie Ledoyen: Good thing my flashlight still works after I chucked it through a fucking mirror! Now, let's explore this area with rotting wood floors.
[she finds a DUMBWAITER because those are SCARY]
Judith: It doesn't work! Look! Look!
Virginie Ledoyen: The door has to be closed for it to work.*
[she finds an IMMACULATE WHITE LABORATORY that is like a MILLION FEET DOWN that could be a MURDER ROOM but could also be an ALIEN LAB]
Virginie Ledoyen: The scary children!! THEY ARE HERE!!
[some BALD KIDS roll up and she BIRTHS her baby on the FLOOR, SCREAMING]
Helenka: So...yeah. She went crazy, I guess? She definitely drowned those kittens. And now she's dead? But I'm not sure where.
Creepy Black Dress Lady: She's outside the dumbwaiter. On the main floor. Or possibly in the basement. Where there is definitely not a murder room.
Judith: Let's get out of here! I am taking my pills again...OR AM I!?!?!
[she sees Virginie Ledoyen, NUDE, nursing her BABY, surrounded by BALD KIDS, with ALL-WHITE EYES and it is kind of BLASE actually]
Everyone: SECRETS!!!!

Guest Post: Titanic

First of all: I hated this movie from the moment I saw it. I'd like to say it was my keenly-honed sense of What Is Bad Dialogue at the age of 16, but in reality, it was probably a reaction to the hype surrounding it - the "If everyone else likes this, then it is not worth liking" reaction that I also had to Green Day when Dookie came out (who I now realize are actually pretty good) and UGG boots my freshman year of college (which I still hate). In any event, my fiery hatred of this movie (Kate Winslet notwithstanding, because I would gay-marry her in the states that allow it) means that I have not seen it one million times, and it is much easier to write one of these things for something you have seen one million times. Has Laura McClain seen this one million times? Maybe. But she has certainly captured its essence in what is one of our longer UCMs to date. We hope you enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is the LATE 90s]
Bill Paxton-not-Pullman: I’m so excited to dig amongst the ruins of the Titanic! The treasures we will find!
[he PILOTS a baby SUBMARINE and DIGS through WRECKAGE with CLAW HANDS]
Bill Paxton: A trunk! This is where the diamond will be.
[there is no DIAMOND, just some MUD]
Science Worker: Look what I found while cleaning the wreckage.
[he HOLDS us a CHARCOAL drawing of a NAKED CHICK which is PRESERVED, against ALL LOGIC]
BPax: Whaaaaa? This naked chick is wearing the cheesy diamond!
[meanwhile, in the HOME of SOMEONE who has CLEARLY led a RICH and FULFILLING life]
News Report: People are still grave-robbing the Titanic. Check out the cans on this tragic shipwreck victim.
Very Old Woman: Haaaaand me the phooooone.
[she CALLS Bill Paxton, SOMEHOW]
VOW: The woman in the picture is meeeee.*
[she TRAVELS to BPax’s BOAT and GOES down to the WRECKAGE]
VOW: Even though nobody aaaasked, I will tell you my traaaagic tale. They called Titanic the ship of dreaaaaams. And it waaaas. It reaaaally was…*
[we are TRANSPORTED to the PAST via the MAGIC of a PAN FLUTE]
Kate Winslet: Pish. This ship is nowhere near as impressive as my giant hat.
Billy Zane: Ha ha! Silly Rose! This ship rules!
[they BOARD the SHIP whilst MISTREATING those of a LOWER social standing]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Fellas, me and my comically Italian friend here are gonna beat your asses in this here poker game.
Random Roughneck: Care to make it more interesting?
[he LAYS down Titanic TICKETS]
Leo: Flush. Or straight, or whatever. I win!
Porter: All aboard!
Leo: Ya-hoo!
[the SHIP pulls AWAY from the DOCK with like, RIDICULOUS DRAMA]
Audience: Dial it back, Cameron, we all took fourth-grade history.
Kate: Yawn. I guess my gilded stateroom is nice and all, but UGH. So bored.
[she UNPACKS a bunch of Monet and Picasso PAINTINGS for no REAL reason but to show that she is WAY DEEP]
Leo: I am so grateful for my pitiful metal bunk in steerage! I will scream out my joy for my good fortune but balancing precariously on the bow of the ship!
[he YELLS a CATCHPHRASE and “WOOS” a LOT like a TEEN on TRL]
[MEANWHILE, in FIRST CLASS…]
Kathy Bates: Hey there, young lady! I am Molly Brown. Some may even call me unsinkable! Wink wink.
Kate’s Mom: New money.*
[they all EAT lunch and the ship owner BRAGS about SIZE and Kate MAKES a SASSY Freud JOKE which AMUSES Victor Garbor, the ship designer]
Zane: We’ll just have to control what she reads from now on.
[he does not TWIRL a MUSTACHE, but he MIGHT as WELL]
Leo: I will sketch these hardworking people on the ship deck. Dreamboat!
[he SEES Kate and is like, WHOA]
Kate: I can’t take this anymore! These fancy parties and these beautiful gowns and that dickface I have to marry! Weeeep!
[she RUNS to the BACK of the SHIP and DANGLES over it]
Leo: Don’t do it! We’re in the North Atlantic. That water is hella cold.
Kate: Your words have soothed me, vagrant. I will let you pull me to safety.
[she SLIPS on her AMAZING dress and ALMOST dies and it is SUSPENSEFUL]
Zane: You filth! How dare you touch my property!
Kate: No, he saved me. I was leaning over to look at the propellers.
Zane: You women. So stupid. Come to dinner with us, young ruffian. I’d like to insincerely thank you for saving my fiancée while looking like a big shot when I make fun of your hayseed ways.
Kate: Thanks again for saving me. The inertia of my life was just too intense.
Leo: No biggie. Look at my sketches of French prostitutes.
[they BOND over ART]
Kate: Oh, why can’t I be poor and free, like you? I want to ride horses in the surf and spit.
[they have a SPITTING LESSON and it is GROSS]
Kate’s Mom: So you’re the peasant who saved my precious daughter. See you at dinner.
Kathy Bates: Come, you dashing young rogue. I’ll let you borrow my son’s implausibly well-fitting tuxedo.
[he GOES to DINNER and CHARMS the PANTS off all the RICHIE RICHES]
Leo: So, you want to go to a real party?*
[they go into STEERAGE and have fun, ETHNIC times, while Zane’s MANSERVANT looks on MENACINGLY]
Zane: I can’t believe you. Cavorting with a hobo like that!
[he FLIPS a TABLE to SHOW he MEANS business]
Kate’s Mom: I don’t want you seeing that vagabond again!
[she YANKS on Kate’s CORSET strings to show that she, too, MEANS business]
Kate: I HATE YOU ALL.
Leo: Hey! It’s you! What’s up?
Kate: I can never see you again. This burgeoning romance is just waaaay too clichéd.
Leo: Blerg.
Kate: Forget it. I changed my mind. Your bangs are too floppy to resist.
[they KISS on the BOW of the SHIP and it looks UNCOMFORTABLE]
[MEANWHILE, lest you FORGET where we ARE…]
Ship Owner: Faster! I want the world to marvel at both size and speed. That’s what she said!
Captain: But sir, I…
Ship Owner: Silence!
[IMMIGRANTS shovel more COAL into the ENGINES]
Kate: Welcome to my stateroom. Look at this honking diamond my lame fiancé gave me.
Leo: Sweet.
Kate: I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. Wearing this. Wearing ONLY THIS.*
Leo: SWEET.
[she DISROBES and he DRAWS her BOOBIES]
VOW: It waaaas the mooooost eroooootic moooment of my liiiiife.*
Everyone on BPax’s Ship: Yikes.
Kate: Let’s go for a walk - gah!
[the MANSERVANT starts to PURSUE them and they RUN AWAY for SOME REASON instead of ACTING like ADULTS]
Manservant: The joke is on them. I put the giant diamond in the poor boy’s coat. Mwah ha ha.
Leo: Ha ha! We got away. And look at this cool car down in steerage.
Kate: Put your hands on me.*
[they have EXCESSIVELY SWEATY sex]
Kate: I’m running away with you! Let’s make out!
Guy in Crow’s Nest: Aww. Look at ‘em! Kissin’ on th’ deck!
Other Guy: Awwwwwww.
[they DO not NOTICE a HUGE FUCKING ICEBERG]
Ship: Slam!!!
First Class Passengers: What the what? How dast you disturb my moneyed slumber!
Ship Owner: But this ship is unsinkable! At least that’s what our ads say…
Victor Garber: You fool! Titanic will flounder.*
Leo: Wow, look at all this ice. I think the ship might be in tro-
Zane: Thief! He stole my priceless necklace!
[the ship cops DRAG him AWAY because catching a PETTY THIEF is really IMPORTANT right now]
Kate: Could he have done it? I am so conflicted!
[MEANWHILE, the GUYS in the ENGINE ROOM are DROWNING in ICY water]
Porters: Now, just stay there, unwashed steerage passengers. We’re keeping you locked below deck. For your own safety.
Rich Passengers: My life jacket looks smashing with this tuxedo! Bring me another brandy!
[a MILD panic STARTS, but EVERYONE is still in the DARK/DENIAL]
String Quartet: Let’s play jaunty tunes on the deck, to keep people calm.
Ship: I am tipping over.
Kate: I must find Leo! I won’t get in this lifeboat. GOODBYE, MOTHER.*
[she RUNS below DECK and FINDS him HANDCUFFED to a POLE]
Kate: I will axe you free!
[she DOES, but now they are BELOW deck where SHIT is GOING DOWN, namely the SHIP]
Leo: Run!
Kate: Swim!
[they OVERCOME many CGI WATER-BASED obstacles and EVENTUALLY make it ABOVE deck]
Zane: There you are. Get in this lifeboat. I will get in a different lifeboat with your boyfriend here. Why WOULDN’T you trust me?
Kate: I will reluctantly agree.
[some FLARES explode, ILLUMINATING Leo’s Tiger Beat FACE]
Kate: NOOOO!
[she LEAPS out of the BOAT and into the BIGGER, DOOMED boat]
Leo: You idiot! I love you!
[Zane MAKES a POUTY face and then PURSES them with a GUN, because the INHERENT drama of one of the WORST maritime disasters in HISTORY is not ENOUGH]
Kate: Damn it! Guess we have to run/swim/narrowly escape death again.
[MEANWHILE, touching things HAPPEN, like an old couple LAYING in a BED and the CAPTAIN getting DROWNED to DEATH]
Leo: We implausibly made it back up to the top!
Ship: I am tipping more! Slide down my wooden deck!
Kathy Bates: [from a lifeboat] God almighty.*
[she WATCHES the SHIP from a DISTANCE and for all my SNARKING it is a pretty REMARKABLE/CHILLING sight]
Leo: Run to the top of the ship! Somehow I know exactly what to do in the rare event that an enormous ocean liner sinks!
Kate: This is where we first met.*
Audience: Awwww.
Ship: See ya.
[the SHIP sinks and it is TERRIFYING]
Leo: Swim, Rose! I found a door for you to lay on. Let’s discuss our relationship while I freeze to death.
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME passes and SERIOUSLY everyone is DEAD]
Kate: There’s a boat, Jack! It came back for us! Jack? Ohhhh shit.
Me, as a 15-Year Old: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Kate: I’ll never let go!
[she LETS go and WHISTLES her way to SALVATION]
VOW: So that’s my tragic tale. Only took three hours to tell!
BPax: Yeah, nice yarn, grams. So….do you have the diamond?
VOW: [Smiles MYSTERIOUSLY]
[later that NIGHT]
VOW: I will drop this priceless diamond into the ocean for absolutely no reason.
[she DIES and her HEAVEN is the Titanic and she and Leo KISS to a SLOW CLAP from all the PASSENGERS and it is SWEET but also kind of CREEPY]

Guest Post: Dangerous Liaisons

I did the teen sensation version of this a while back, but Laura McClain has brought us the original. Also, don't forget about the other version of this story, which apparently takes place in a topsy-turvy world where Colin Firth and John Malkovich can somehow play the same role.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is FRANCE, in RESTORATION TIMES, where NOBODY has an ACCENT]
Glenn Close: Come, servants. Powder and bustle me.
[she is CORSETED and PLUMED]
John Malkovich: Yeah, me too. Fop me up.
[they GAZE at each other with SEXUAL MISCHIEF in their EYES]
Glenn Close: Ah, Valmont. Playing endless games of whist and posing on chaise lounges can be ever so dull. What say we ruin some lives today?
John Malkovich: You read my mind, my wicked friend slash former lover.
Glenn Close: Another one of former lovers is going to marry a stupid teenage virgin. Pop that cherry, would you? He shall be ever so pissed.
John Malkovich: I refuse, not because I am gay, as you might assume from the way I walk, talk and behave, but because that conquest is too easy for a man of my sexiness.
Audience: Ew.
[Uma Thurman PAYS a VISIT with her mom, SWOOZIE KURTZ]
John Malkovich: That’s her? Sold. But I’m also planning to hit this soldier’s wife who prides herself on her faithfulness. Seducing her shall be my masterpiece.
Glenn Close: Care to make it interesting? If you succeed, you can have sex with me, too, as a reward.
[she DOES not SAY “you can put it anywhere” but it is STRONGLY IMPLIED]
John Malkovich: Hurrah. Let the games begin.
[it is WEIRD, for though they are GOOD ACTORS, you don’t REALLY want to see them have SEXYTIMES]
Glenn Close: Ah, the opera. The perfect place to see and be seen. Hello, Uma Thurman. Let’s be best friends, shall we? I have no ulterior motives.
Uma Thurman: Hooray! Friends!
[Keanu Reeves ENTERS and it is REMINISCENT of when Bill and Ted TRAVELED to medieval times and PRETENDED to be KNIGHTS]
Keanu Reeves: Whoa.
Glenn Close: Perhaps this young music teacher could instruct your daughter, Swoozie? I’m taking a normal amount of interest in your family. Nothing suspicious here!
[Keanu and Uma GAZE at each OTHER in an OBVIOUS MANNER]
[MEANWHILE, in the COUNTY…]
John Malkovich: Hello, virtuous woman. How very droll that we are staying at the same country house. Ha ha!
Michelle Pfeiffer: Dude, I already know all about your reputation. Also, you look like a serial killer.
John Malkovich: Blast! This shall prove a difficult game to play. While I plan my next strategic move, I’ll bone the virgin, who has conveniently come to visit.
Glenn Close: Use her love for Keanu to seduce her.
[Malkovich CONVINCES poor, DUMB Uma to GIVE him the KEY to her ROOM and then BASICALLY RAPES her]
Uma Thurman: It’s okay that you forced me to have sex with you, because you’re super good at it! And now I am too!
[she WRITHES AROUND]
John Malkovich: Hello, Michelle Pfeiffer. Ah, I see you’re doing charity work! I also love charity work. And praying. Praying is the best.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I am falling for this, for some reason.
John Malkovich: So, now that I’ve convinced you that I am a kind man, I must tell you that I LOVE YOU AND I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU AND I LOVE YOU.
Michelle Pfeiffer: Gah! No! You must not! I am struggling with so many feelings! Go away! Come back! No, go! No, have sex with me!
John Malkovich: I have her right where I want her. But wait! What is this….feeling? It’s not angry, or even hungry.** I must flee!
Glenn Close: You love her. Ohhhhhh, this shall not stand.
[they have an ACTING FIGHT about PASSION and it is SEMI-HOT but MOSTLY GROSS]
Glenn Close: I shall take a lover to spite him.
Keanu Reeves: WHOA.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I submit. Let’s have sex whilst I weep copiously, basically making this Rape #2.
[they DO it and it is NOT ROMANTIC]
Glenn Close: I can’t believe you love this woman. You’ve gone soft, Valmont! Your reputation will be destroyed!
John Malkovich: Nooo! Without my reputation and my wigs I am nothing!
[he GIVES Michelle Pfeiffer the BRUSH-OFF, though he LOVES her]
Michelle Pfeiffer: [GOES BALLISTIC]
Michelle Pfeiffer: I am dying of grief. Literally.
[doctors put HOT CUPS on her BACK to CURE her of her MALKOVICH LOVE]
Keanu Reeves: Malkovich! I heard that you balled Uma! This shall not stand!
[they have a REALLY LONG swordfight, and Keanu STABS him GOOD]
John Malkovich: Come closer, Keanu. While I slowly bleed to death, I shall give you this speech about love. Tell Michelle Pfeiffer that my time with her was the only happy time I ever had. But more importantly, call out Glenn Close to society for being a mega-bitch.
Keanu Reeves: Okay.
[he DIES, his head LOLLING to the SIDE in a REALISTIC MANNER]
Glenn Close: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I will break everything in my house! I guess I loved him after all!
[at the OPERA, where SOCIETY GATHERS]
All of Society, Upon Seeing Glenn Close: Boooooo! BOOOOOOOOO!*
[Glenn Close GOES home and TAKES her MAKEUP off and it is COOL]

**copyright GOB Bluth

A Single Man

[it is 1962]
Colin Firth: Every morning I get up. And I do a bunch of things that one does in the morning. And it is all shot very beautifully. But it does not matter, because my partner of 16 years is dead. And I want to die too.
[he goes about his BUSINESS, but in a BEAUTIFUL way]
Colin Firth: Class, let's talk about invisible minorities. This is my way of secretly telling you I am gay.
Full-Lipped Student: I respond to your secretiveness, and your gayness.
[Colin Firth DRIVES past his NEIGHBOR'S house in SLOW-MOTION and pretends to shoot their son]
Jon Hamm (on phone): Hi. This is a flashback to when you found out your lover was killed in a car accident. Since it's 1962, you can't come to the funeral, which seriously sucks. Sorry.
[it is SERIOUSLY HEARTBREAKING because Colin Firth is GOOD at ACTING]
Colin Firth: I guess I'll kill myself.
[he lays his BELONGINGS out in an ORDERLY, BEAUTIFUL manner]
Julianne Moore: Are you coming over? I just spent like 20 minutes doing my eye makeup.
[there is a CLOSEUP of her EYE for like LITERALLY TWO MINUTES which is actually a REALLY LONG TIME to look at an EYE]
Colin Firth: Yes. I 'll bring the gin. I need to be drunk, because I'm going to kill myself.
Hot Latin Man: Sorry. I broke the gin you just bought. Let's share a cigarette and some longing looks.
Colin Firth: Okay, but I am too sad to make out with you, though you are literally a supermodel.
Hot Latin Man: Let us look at this beautiful sky. Notice how the lighting is incredibly gorgeous.
[there is a CLOSEUP of his EYE]
Julianne Moore: You got here! Look how gorgeous my hair is! I'm so brash! Let's dance around and almost bone, but not, because a) you are gay and b) you are sad.
[there is a FLASHBACK of his HOT DEAD LOVER]
Colin Firth: Okay, but I really need to go kill myself now.
[there is a CLOSEUP of a FLASHBACK of an EYE]
Colin Firth: All right, Colin, old chap. Let's take care of this business.
[he TRIES to shoot himself but CANNOT, so he gets into a SLEEPING BAG because he thinks it will be EASIER or something]
Colin Firth: Okay, that's not working. Better go to the bar.
Full-Lipped Student: Hey. I've been stalking you.
[there is a CLOSEUP of his EYE]
Colin Firth: Oh. That's not weird. I hope you think I'm cool.
Full-Lipped Student: Let's go swimming.
[they DO, and it is BEAUTIFULLY MOONLIT, until Colin Firth BANGS his HEAD]
Full-Lipped Student: Oh. You're hurt. I guess we won't bone.
[there is a BLURRY FLASHBACK that is BEAUTIFUL]
Colin Firth: No, not this time, friend. Looks like I'm going to die. I guess that's what I wanted.
[he DIES and it is KIND of SAD but ALSO BEAUTIFUL]

Serenity

[it is a SPACE SCHOOL]
Exposition Teacher: We used up Earth That Was and left for a bunch of other planets on a new solar system, and we "terra-formed" them, which is why they all look like Earth That Was and have air and horses, and then we made this Alliance, which is great. SO GREAT. EVERYONE LOVES THE ALLIANCE.
Little River: But not everyone does.
Exposition Teacher: EVERYONE. DOES.
[it is a SPACE HOSPITAL, where the SAME GIRL is being EXPERIMENTED ON]
Waiting for Guffman Guy: ...so then we just stick this thing into her brain and fuck around with it. Fun, huh?
Dr. Simon: Yeah. Fun.
[he uses a CRAZY PULSE WEAPON to KNOCK OUT everyone in the room and ESCAPE with his SISTER and if you never saw the SHOW, you will be like WHAT but TRUST ME it's GOOD]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Wow, Waiting for Guffman Guy. Just - wow. You are seriously bad at your job of taking possibly-psychic people and doing experiments on them. And for that: you die.
[he does a NERVE PINCH THING that makes the guy FALL OVER, which wouldn't be SO BAD except that there is a SWORD THERE that STABS him]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Now you know how I kill people. Remember that.
[meanwhile, on SERENITY, chunks are LITERALLY FALLING OFF the spaceship]
Nathan Fillion: We better go rob a bank to fix our ship. Do we need to re-introduce the crew?
Zoe: It wouldn't be a bad idea, sir. Some of the people who liked "Firefly" may have convinced their friends to see the movie without having seen the show.
Nathan Fillion: Can't say that's much of an idea, but all right. Where's your husband, the pilot?
Alan Tudyk: Over here! Being wacky and wearing a Hawaiian shirt!
Nathan Fillion: And Kaylee, our mechanic?
Kaylee: Right here, cap'n! Just fixin' up Serenity so she runs good for this job. And thinkin' 'bout the doctor. 'Cause I got an unrequited love for him.
Dr. Simon: She does. It's...mutual. I don't want to talk about it.
River: [says something POSSIBLY PSYCHIC]
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: I just want to get on with this gorram bank robbery!!
Nathan Fillion: Jayne, settle down and get in the hovercraft. We don't know why you have a girl's name.
[they go ROB a BANK, but are AMBUSHED by REAVERS, who are basically THE WORST]
Nathan Fillion: All right, time for a chase scene.
[they get CHASED and it is EXCITING but they are SAFE at the end]
Dr. Simon: You almost got my sister killed! We're getting off this ship, even though we are fugitives from the law and might not find another crew so willing to protect us.
Nathan Fillion: Great plan. Good luck with that.
[they all go to a SPACE SALOON and meet up with their CONTACTS to do a BUSINESS DEAL]
River: Miranda.
[she STARES at a JAPANESE-LOOKING COMMERCIAL and instead of having a SEIZURE, totally KICKS everyone's ASS]
Nathan Fillion: What in the rutting -- let's go. You two clearly can't handle yourselves. We better go talk to Mr. Universe about this.
David Krumholtz: Duhhhhh, the commercial was a subliminal message that makes her into an assassin, obviouslyyyyy. You're welcome. I have a robot bride.
Nathan Fillion: Looks like we need to go to that planet she mentioned, Miranda.
Kaylee: But Shepherd Book hasn't been featured in the movie yet! We need to visit him!
Nathan Fillion: Fine, let's go.
[they DO, and he has CORNROWS]
Inara: Also can you come help me, a former sort-of crew member who is clearly in love with you? This is not an Alliance trap at all.
[it is CLEARLY a trap, but they go ANYWAY and SAVE her]
Nathan Fillion: FINE. EVERYONE FROM THE SHOW IS IN THE MOVIE NOW ARE YOU HAPPY.
Kaylee: Yes, cap'n.
Nathan Fillion: Okay, now let's go to that outer rim planet.
Zoe: There's the other issue, that we have to go through Reaver territory to get there.
Nathan Fillion: I know! Let's disguise our ship as a Reaver ship! We'll just strap on some corpses and red paint and pass on through. Good thing the Alliance killed a bunch of our friends.
[everyone is like EW but they know it is THE ONLY WAY]
Alan Tudyk: Is now a good time for another pithy comment? No? Okay, well, we're here on the outer planet.
[the PLANET is totally INHABITABLE but everyone is MYSTERIOUSLY DEAD]
Sarah Paulson: Hi. I'm a recording that will conveniently explain what happened here. See, we tried to stop people from fighting with this drug in the air supply, but it made everyone give up the will to live and they all died. Except for a tiny percentage of the people, who became the Reavers. Sorry, universe! We ruined this world.
Nathan Fillion: Everyone in the universe must know about this! Let's broadcast it, using Mr. Universe's broadcasting equipment.
David Krumholtz: Sure, come on by. This is also not a trap.
[it is ALSO A TRAP]
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: But how we gonna get past them Reavers agin? And what about all the Alliance ships that are sure to be waiting for us?
[they pit their TWO ENEMIES against EACH OTHER and it is AMAZING]
Alan Tudyk: I am a leaf on the wind.*
[he PILOTS the ship EXPERTLY and LANDS it but then gets STABBED by a HARPOON and it is TERRIBLE]
Zoe: I am a soldier! I will not stop to grieve! I will fight!
Dr. Simon: I'm really sad I never did you.
Kaylee: Really? Screw this, I'm gonna live!!*
[they set up a REAVER BOTTLENECK and have a HUGE FIREFIGHT while the captain goes to BROADCAST the message]
River: Guys, I'm going to go defeat the Reavers alone. BRB.
[she goes NUTS with, like, an AXE and it's AWESOME]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Oh no you don't, captain! We have to have our man-to-man battle! And I need to use that nerve pinch thing again!
[there is a LOT of FIGHTING and it is COOL and NERVE-WRACKING]
Nathan Fillion: Here's the thing about that nerve pinch thing, though: I don't have nerves there. YA BURNT.
[he WINS and broadcasts the THING and everyone is ALIVE except the two that DIED EARLIER]
Kaylee: Yes! Now I can bone the doctor!
Dr. Simon: Wooooo!
Inara: Yes! Now I can continue to look at the captain in a suggestive way!
Nathan Fillion: Woooooo, I guess?!
River: Yes! Now I can not be crazy, mostly!
Zoe: I'm still sad, but also strong.
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: Woooooo! Let's go steal somethin'! But have morals about it!
[they DO, we assume]

Terminator Salvation

[it is 2003]
Helena Bonham Carter: Please donate your body to science, convicted murderer? PLEEEEEEEASE?!? Everyone deserves a second chance.
Sam Worthington: I don't deserve one, but if you kiss me, I'll do it anyway.
Helena Bonham Carter: Though you are a felon, and I have cancer, let's make out.
[they DO, and he signs a PAPER]
Helena Bonham Carter: You won't regret this. For reals.
[it is 2018]
Christian Bale: Go, humans! Fight Skynet! You are the resistance!
[they have an AWESOME BATTLE and he is the ONLY SURVIVOR]
Christian Bale: Nooooooooooooooo!
Sam Worthington: I'm aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!!! And covered in muuuuuuuuuud!!!
[meanwhile, back in the SUBMARINE that is the HEADQUARTERS of the HUMAN RESISTANCE]
Michael Ironside: So we found out that Skynet has a kill list, and we're all on it. John Connor, you're number 2.
Christian Bale: But who's number 1?
Michael Ironside: I don't know, some civilian named...KYLE REESE.
My Friend Deborah: But! Skynet couldn't possibly know that Kyle Reese is going to travel back in time and impregnate Sarah Connor, thus becoming John Connor's father!
[she PUSHES UP her NERD GLASSES]
Michael Ironside: Oh, and we found this radio frequency that disables the robots, so we're going to attack Skynet in four days so they don't kill us, thus killing, like, a lot of human prisoners.
Christian Bale: Oh, we are, are we? We'll see about that. Let me go talk to my baby mama.
Bryce Dallas Howard: That's me! Women love being pregnant! Do you want to listen to your tapes now?
Linda Hamilton [on tape]: So you have to find your father as a teenage boy and send him back in time to knock me up. Does that all make sense? I hope so, because that conversation is gonna be aaaawk-waaaard!
[meanwhile, SOMEWHERE ELSE]
Sam Worthington: Hmm. I wonder where I am. Everything looks so post-apocalyptic.
[a TERMINATOR tries to KILL him, but SUDDENLY -]
Anton Yelchin: Come with me if you want to live.*
[they go to the OBSERVATORY and listen to the RADIO and hear JOHN CONNOR]
Anton Yelchin: I am drawn to him for some reason. Weird. I guess it could be that I'm actually his father, since I travel through time and meet his mother in what is actually the past, but is in my future, but that seems implausible. Oh well. Let's go see if we can find some other humans. Come on, mute child sidekick.
[they find an OUTPOST that has JANE ALEXANDER in it]
Humans: Go away! This is our food and fuel!
[the MUTE CHILD looks FRIGHTENED because she has SKYNET SPIDEY-SENSE]
Humans: Oh shit! Robots!
[one of the ROBOTS releases MOTORCYCLES from its LEGS and it is SWEET]
Sam Worthington: Gooooooo!
[the HK robot takes the humans PRISONER but LEAVES the FELON and he is CONFUSED]
Christian Bale: Okay, let's test this radio frequency plan we have.
[they DO, and it WORKS, though one would THINK that Skynet would have CLOSED this LOOPHOLE]
Michael Ironside: Hmm. There is a lot of activity in the LA area. Send some fighter pilots to see what's going on. Make sure one of them is a hot, ethnically-ambiguous lady. I mean, the only other woman in this film is pregnant! That's not eye candy!
[the FIGHTERS get DOWNED but the HOT, ETHNICALLY-AMBIGUOUS LADY is fine]
Sam Worthington: We should travel together, because it's safer.
Moon Bloodgood: Okay. I will cuddle up to you for warmth, but not in a sexual way. Okay, in kind of a seuxal way.
[they go through a MINEFIELD with MAGNETIC MINES that STICK to him because HELLO HE IS A PROTOTYPE TERMINATOR]
Sam Worthington: Wha...whaaaa? Where am I?
Christian Bale: Don't you mean what am I, you fucking robot! You're a robot, you fucking robot!
Sam Worthington: No, I'm human!
Christian Bale: Seriously...you are a robot.
Moon Bloodgood: But! I fell in love with him that one time when we cuddled and he didn't rape me, because women love cuddling and not being raped! I'm going to put the entire colony at risk to rescue this man-robot I just met.
[they ESCAPE, though she is a MORON]
Christian Bale: Catch him!
[there is a CHASE SEQUENCE that ends in the RIVER with HYDROBOTS, which are COOL]
Sam Worthington: Um, hello? I'm a robot, so I can totally sneak into Skynet? And help you rescue Kyle Reese, since you're so fucking obsessed with him.
Christian Bale: Fine. I guess I trust you now for some reason.
Michael Ironside: Okay, we're going forward with the plan to destroy Skynet headquarters, even though there are probably more humans inside than there are outside it.
Christian Bale: No way man! I should never have trusted you.
[he gets on his RADIO and tells everyone NOT to ATTACK until he SAYS so and they TRUST him because he is a NATURAL LEADER]
Christian Bale: Okay, I gotta save Kyle now.
Bryce Dallas Howard: But what will I tell your men when they ask where you've gone?
Christian Bale: I'll be back.* OH SNAP! THAT IS A LINE FROM THE OTHER MOVIES. People love familiarity.
[he goes to SKYNET and basically HOTWIRES it to GET IN, which also seems like a HUGE LOOPHOLE but WHATEVER]
Sam Worthington: All right, now I'll just interface with the mainframe of Skynet and get all the answers I need...
Helena Bonham Carter's Disembodied Head: Hello. Here are a bunch of news stories that explain what happened in the 15 years you were in a coma. Also, you were built to do just what you did: lure John Connor here so we can kill both him and Kyle Reese. Suckaaa!
Sam Worthington: Too much...information! So...confusing! Reverting...to...Australian accent!
[he RIPS out the CHIP in his HEAD and it is GROSS but he is NO LONGER a ROBOT]
Christian Bale: Kyle Reese! Where are youuuuu!
Anton Yelchin: I'm here! How do you know me? This is weird! I'm escaping now.
[they have a HUGE BATTLE with a NUDE CGI ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER that involves MOLTEN METAL and FREEZING of SAID METAL, but not before Christian Bale gets RUN THROUGH with a HUGE POLE but somehow DOES NOT DIE]
Christian Bale: Thank you for helping me, robot-man. I will hotwire your heart the way I hotwired Skynet.
[they ESCAPE in a HELICOPTER and Skynet EXPLODES]
Bryce Dallas Howard: I don't think you're going to make it without a new heart, since you got stabbed with that huge fucking pole.
Sam Worthington: You can have mine, it's cool. I wasn't really that into it anyway. Plus, this hot, ethnically-ambiguous lady won't leave me alone.
Moon Bloodgood: Even supposedly-badass fighter women love men!
[they give his HEART to John Connor and he gets HIS SECOND CHANCE to be GOOD]
Christian Bale: So now we just get to hang out and try to figure out this time loop thing wherein Kyle is my father, but I'm the one who sends him back in time. Don't think about it too hard, just enjoy the explosions.

Star Trek

[it is the FUTURE]
Captain of the Kelvin: Hmm. An electrical storm. That's strange. Let's go investigate.
[it turns out to be a TRAP and there is a FUCKING CRAZY Romulan ship there]
Eric Bana: Arrrrrrg!! Romulans have ears like Vulcans but are mean and bald and have face tattoos! And we are PISSSSSSSSSED. Come to our ship, Captain.
Captain of the Kelvin: All right. You're in charge now, George Kirk.
George Kirk: I shall fulfill my duties as captain by evacuating the ship, thus saving the life of most of the crew, and my wife, who is literally in labor currently.
Mrs. Kirk: George! Our baby just got born on the shuttle! Let's name him after your dad, Tiberius.
[the audience CHUCKLES because people TOTALLY KNOW Captain Kirk's MIDDLE NAME because they are NERDS]
George Kirk: No, let's name him after your dad, Jim.
[he EXPLODES but everyone else is SAVED and it is SAD]
Mrs. Kirk: Noooooooo!!
[it is LATER in the FUTURE in IOWA]
Baby Kirk: Yeah!!! I may be only 10, but I'm gonna drive my stepdad's antique car while blasting Beastie Boys so you know I'm a badasssssssss!
[he CRASHES the car into a FUCKING RAVINE and it is SWEET]
Baby Kirk: I'm James Tiberius Kirk...BITCHES.
[it is VULCAN]
Baby Spock: Greetings, Vulcan bullies. I suppose you have some additional insults intended to elicit an emotional response from me.
Vulcan Bullies: Your mom's human, so your dad's a traitor.
Baby Spock: DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOM!!!!!
[he KICKS their ASSES and bleeds GREEN BLOOD]
Winona Ryder: Spock, you need to decide for yourself what you want to do. Listen to your heart. I know you have one, because you are half human.
Zachary Quinto: I will try to balance these two worlds.
Vulcan Council: You are accepted to the science academy! That's kind of a big accomplishment, since you're half human, which basically means you're retarded.
Zachary Quinto: Dissing my mom again? HELL NO. I'm out. I'm going to Starfleet instead.
[back in IOWA in a FUTURE BAR]
Chris Pine: Sup, pretty lady? I'm just a regular joe who happens to live in the town where Starfleet Academy is.
Zoe Saldana: Get lost, townie. You can call me Uhura. Just Uhura. I am also a badass.
Other Starfleet Dudes: Yeah, townie! That leather jacket is SO last century!!
[he gets his ASS KICKED but is STILL a BADASS]
Captain Pike: Come to Starfleet. I know who you are. Your dad was awesome, and you could also be awesome. I DARE YOU.
Chris Pine: Let me pensively ride my motorcycle and think about it.
[he DOES]
Chris Pine: Okay, I'm in.
Karl Urban: Hello, I'm Dr. Leonard McCoy, but I will tell you a story that will allow you to designate me with the nickname "Bones." Also, I may puke on you.
[they go to the ACADEMY and then it is THREE YEARS LATER]
Chris Pine: I will beat this unbeatable test, thus showing that I am a badass.
Zachary Quinto: Who is this guy who beat my test? He must have cheated.
[they have a HEARING or something and TYLER PERRY is there for some reason]
Captain Pike: This just in: the Vulcans are in distress! We're going to send all our cadets there, since the entire rest of Starfleet is otherwise engaged. Good plan, right?
[they all get ASSIGNED places but Kirk is on ACADEMIC PROBATION so Bones SNEAKS him on with MEDICAL KNOWHOW]
Chris Pine: Though I have a black eye and swollen hands, I am still the most attractive man on this ship, and therefore the most qualified to lead you. And also! I think this is a trap.
Everyone: Whaaaaaa?
[it is TOTALLY a TRAP and there are ROMULANS there and a bunch of SHIT happens in SPACE]
Captain Pike: Spock, you're in charge. Kirk, you're first officer, though you basically stowed away on this ship and are constantly flaunting the rules. I'm going to the Romulan ship. brb.
Zoe Saldana: So the Romulans are drilling into the planet with this big flame drill and we can't use our transporter until it's turned off. Basically: this calls for a ground crew.
Chris Pine: I'll go!
John Cho: Me too! Oh, I'm Sulu. I just learned to drive spaceships.
Random Dude in a Literal Red Shirt: Yeah! Let's kick some Romulan ass!
[obviously, he DIES]
Chris Pine: No worries. That will give us a chance to kick more ass.
[they DO, and Sulu does it with a FUCKING COOL SWORD, and then they FALL but are BEAMED BACK just in TIME]
Anton Yelchin: Wictor, wictor.* So basically, what's going on is the Romulans are going to implode Vulcan with some red matter. I hope this news is more palatable in my hilarious Russian accent.
Karl Urban: Dammit, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!* Explain it to me more simply, but keep the accent.
Zachary Quinto: I must save the Vulcan elders! brb.
[he saves his DAD and some other ELDERS, but his mom DIES and it is SAD]
Zoe Saldana: Sorry your mom died. Wanna make out?
Zachary Quinto: I was going to say that's illogical, but then I realized you're mad hot. Totes logical.[they MAKE OUT in the ELEVATOR]
Chris Pine: I am way more equipped to lead this ship than you!! Look at me! Even after a space battle, I am still crazy hot!
Zachary Quinto: I am totally just as hot as you are, I just have a weird haircut. I'm abandoning you for mutiny. We're going to go save Earth from the Romulans.
[Kirk wakes up on the STAR TREK VERSION OF HOTH and gets CHASED by some MONSTERS into a CAVE and it is EXCITING]
Leonard Nimoy: Oh. Sup, Kirk.
Chris Pine: Buhhhhh? Who are you? How do you know me?
Leonard Nimoy: I could tell you, but the Vulcan mind meld is totally more efficient.
[he MELDS to his MIND and EXPLAINS how he is SPOCK, but from the FUTURE and we are in an ALTERNATE STAR TREK UNIVERSE]
J.J. Abrams: That's right, nerds. I can do whatever the fuck I want, because it's parallel, bitches.
Leonard Nimoy: Don't mention any of this to now-Spock, though.
Chris Pine: Aw man! He already hates me! I guess it will be easier for me to enrage him to show that he is emotionally compromised on this mission and I need to take over control of the ship.
Leonard Nimoy: Talk about our mom. We hate that.
[they go to an OUTPOST and find SCOTTY, who is HILARIOUS]
Simon Pegg: I'm Scottish and humorous! Let's beam up now.
[they BEAM to the ship using a FUTURE EQUATION that Old Spock told them]
Chris Pine: You never loved your mom, did you?
Zachary Quinto: NEVER TALK ABOUT MY MOM!!!!
[they FIGHT and almost BREAK the SHIP but Kirk WINS]
Anton Yelchin: We'll go behind Saturn and find the Romulan ship and take them out.
[Kirk and Spock go ON BOARD and RESCUE the CAPTAIN and STEAL the OLD SPOCK'S SHIP with the RED MATTER, all while KICKING ASS]
Chris Pine: Okay, now that we're beamed back on the Enterprise, we can offer you some assistance, Romulans.
Eric Bana: No, I would rather die in agony than accept your help.
Chris Pine: You got it.*
[the Romulans EXPLODE EVERYWHERE and it RULES]
Chris Pine: Yay! We won! Oh wait, we're getting sucked into a black hole.
Simon Pegg: It's cool, I got this.
[he EXPLODES some more shit to DRIVE them AWAY from the black hole]
Everyone: Sweet!
[they go back HOME and are all READY for more ADVENTURES]

Heaven Can Wait (1943)

HBO claimed to be playing the 1978 version of this movie, the one with Warren Beatty, which I have seen far more times than anyone should. I think maybe we taped it off TV when I was a kid? Anyway, I hadn't seen it in maybe ten years, so I taped it. But when I sat down to watch it, the guide had LIED. It was, in fact, the 1943 version with Don Ameche, and, apparently, an entirely different plot (like, entirely).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the LOBBY of HELL]
Devil: Well, come in, come in! So you're interested in coming to Hell, eh?
Old Man Don Ameche: Well, the line for Heaven is really long.
Devil: But you haven't done anything bad enough!
Old Man Don Ameche: I think if I tell you the story of my life, you'll see it's one long misdemeanor...*
[he LAUNCHES into his TALE]
Don Ameche: You see, from the day I was born, women were fighting over me...
His Mom: My baby!
His Grandma: I want to hold him!
[they act CRAZY because he has a MYSTERIOUS CHARM]
Don Ameche: And it didn't get any better!
Little Girl: Gee, I sure like that beetle you got there.
Little Don Ameche: Well, you can have it.
Little Girl: That other beetle you have sure looks PRETTY lonely...
Little Don Ameche: Sigh. Do you want this one too?
Little Girl: Do I look like the kind of girl who would take a boy's last beetle?*
[he GIVES it to her because WOMEN are DEMANDING]
Don Ameche: But I had this lame-o cousin who was always salting my game.
Cousin Albert: I'm upstanding! And I wear glasses, so I'm smart.
Their Grandpa: I like you better than that Albert...he's so lame. Here, have some money from our family coffer.
[he SPENDS recklessly but NO ONE CARES because he is SO FUCKING CHARMING]
Don Ameche: Mom! Dad! I found the girl I'm going to marry! I just met her.
Cousin Albert: Family, this is my fiancee.
Gene Tierney: Hello.
Don Ameche: Of all the rotten luck! It's the woman I overheard lying to her mother on the phone and then followed to the bookstore, where I pretended to be a bookstore employee so I would have an excuse to talk to her, and she told me she wanted a book called How to Make Your Husband Happy and I was disappointed that she was engaged because she's so pretty, and now it turns out the husband is my cousin! Damn!
Gene Tierney: [has a SNEEZING FIT and is sent to the library]
Don Ameche: I love you. Let's get married.
Gene Tierney: But...you just met me. I mean - I don't really love your cousin; I only agreed to marry him to get out of Kansas and away from my amusingly provincial parents.
Don Ameche: Okay, let's go!
Gene Tierney: Okay. You are way hotter than your cousin anyway.
[they ELOPE and everyone is PISSED except GRANDPA]
Don Ameche: Then we had a kid, who was just a big a rascal as his old dad.
[the kid does some RASCALLY, yet still CHARMING things]
Don Ameche: But then...I had a dalliance.
Gene Tierney: You cheater! I'm moving back to Kansas with my parents!
Her Mother: Jasper, tell my husband not to read the comics aloud.
Her Father: Jasper, tell my wife I'll read the comics aloud if I want!
Jasper, Their Servant: These white folks is crazy!!
Don Ameche: Wife, I love you. Please come home.
Gene Tierney: My resolve has faded due to your charm. Also, my parents are annoying.
[they are HAPPY for a LONG TIME and then she DIES]
Son of Don Ameche: Dad, I met a girl!
Don Ameche: It's not...a showgirl, is it?
[he PAYS OFF the showgirl to DUMP his son so she won't SULLY his son's GOOD NAME, but then the son DUMPS her anyway]
Don Ameche: Well, don't I have egg on my face now?
[he gets OLD and has a NURSE that looks like his WIFE and then he DIES]
Don Ameche: So, now I'm dead. Wasn't my life scandalous and bad? Shouldn't I come to Hell?
Devil: No, sir. You'll find your wife waiting in the other place. Have fun, and give my regards to St. Peter!

Evening

[it is NOW or thereabouts]
Vanessa Redgrave: Harris... Harris...I am in a fever state because I am old and sick and all I can do is repeat your name... we killed Buddy... we killed him...
Toni Collette and Natasha Richardson: Mom, who's Harris? And you killed someone? What? Well, since you're delirious, we'll take this opportunity to establish our personalities as the older, responsible sister, who has kids and is married, and the younger one, who is single with no kids. There. Done.
[FLASHBACK TIME]
Claire Danes: Ah, to be Vanessa Redgrave as a young woman! I am so fresh-faced and pretty! But bohemian, because I live in the West Village! Check out my peasant skirt!
Hugh Dancy: Hello, sister's best friend who I am also friends with! Let us go to my parents' sumptuous house for my sister's wedding! But guess what: she should totally not be marrying this dude.
Claire Danes: Huh? Whatever do you mean?
Hugh Dancy: Instead, she should marry the son of our old housekeeper, who is now a doctor and also totally hot.
Patrick Wilson: Yes, I am a hot doctor. Let's ride on a boat.
Claire Danes: Wow, he really is hot. I better put on this totally awesome dress for the rehearsal dinner.
Meryl Streep's Daughter: I'm getting married! I'm excited! No, wait, I'm scared! No, wait, I want to marry Patrick Wilson! No, wait, it's all good! Ha ha ha! I'm getting married! Gah!
Glenn Close: All I care about is the seating chart! Ho ho ho!!
[meanwhile, back in the PRESENT]
Irish Nurse: Let me get you some water to make your dying more comfortable.
Vanessa Redgrave: Thank you. I like your white sparkly evening gown, even though it is one of my fever dreams.
[she TOSSES ABOUT and is OLD]
Claire Danes: Time for the wedding!
Meryl Streep's Daughter: I can't do it! Wait, I can, because I asked the hot doctor to be with me and he said no. Oh well. I just hope some people in my bridal party get married.
[Claire Danes' ESCORT looks at her MEANINGFULLY so you KNOW that he is her FUTURE HUSBAND]
Claire Danes: He said no, eh? Well that leaves him open for me.
Patrick Wilson: Yes, it does.
[she SINGS and he comes up on STAGE and they DANCE and it is ROMANTIC]
Hugh Dancy: I'm drunk! Always! And I say things people don't want to hear, like that my sister shoulda married the hot doctor!
Claire Danes: Let's go outside.
[they DO, and while they are OUT THERE, he KISSES the hot doctor]
Patrick Wilson: Uh.
Claire Danes: Uh.
Everyone else: We're jumping off a cliff! Come on! It's fun!
Hugh Dancy: I'll jump! I'm gonna jump, and I'm drunk! I saved this note you gave me in college for four years, Claire Danes. FOUR YEARS. Because I'm in love with you. I'M NOT GAY.
[he JUMPS and you're like SHIT HE DIED but then he DOESN'T DIE]
Claire Danes: Stop being in love with me! Stop carrying around that stupid note! Stop naming stars for me!
[she RUNS into the FOREST with Patrick Wilson and they BONE in a SHACK and he names a STAR for her, which is apparently FINE since she LIKES him]
Hugh Dancy: Come baaaaaaaaaack!! I love both of you!! Threeeee wayyyyyy?!?!
[he gets HIT by a CAR and this time he REALLY DOES DIE]
Glenn Close: WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! MY SON IS DEAAAAAAD!!! ACTINGGGGGG!! I am only in two scenes, so I have to make them count!! I love my dead, gay son.
[back in NOW]
Toni Collette: I'm pregnant. How's THAT for another layer of complexness?
[back in the PAST]
Claire Danes: Well, bye.
Patrick Wilson: Bye.
Vanessa Redgrave: I thought there would be so many chances...so many chances...
Slightly Older Claire Danes: So...you're married now. And so am I. This chance meeting on the street is all we will have.
Slightly Older Patrick Wilson: I still know which stars are ours.*
[they BID a CHASTE goodbye and it is HEARTBREAKING]
Natasha Richardson: I'm still not entirely sure what Mom is talking about.
Meryl Streep: Perhaps I can explain. I'm your mother's friend from a long time ago, the one who got married.
Vanessa Redgrave: Lila! Lila! Now I can die.
Toni Collette: I'm going to have a baby.
Vanessa Redgrave: Okay, now I can die for reals. Peace out.
[she DIES and it's SAD but it's OKAY]

Stand By Me

[it is the 80s]
Richard Dreyfuss: Oh no. This story in the paper says something about my childhood friend. Ah, memories...
[we are TRANSPORTED to the summer of 1959]
Jerry O'Connell: I heard my brother and his friend talking about how he found a dead body! Let's go look for it!
Ensign Wesley Crusher: Okay, but only if we can bring our motley band of friends along.
River Phoenix: I won't amount to anything!
Corey Feldman: I've got a crazy father!
Jerry O'Connell: I'm fat!
Ensign Wesley Crusher: And my awesome brother, John Cusack, just died. Come on, emotionally-compromised friends!
Kiefer Sutherland: Not so fast, babies. I'm going to steal your hat that your dead brother gave you. That way, everyone will see how much of a dick I am.
River Phoenix: Aw, forget him.
[they go to the JUNKYARD and FUCK AROUND until a MEAN DOG chases them away]
Ensign Wesley Crusher: All right, let's go.
[they buy PROVISIONS and walk along the RAILROAD track until they come to a BRIDGE]
Jerry O'Connell: We should go around.
Corey Feldman: Naw, let's go over it!
[they DO, and almost get HIT by a TRAIN, which only makes their bond STRONGER]
Ensign Wesley Crusher: Let's walk across this swamp!
[he gets a LEECH on his PENIS and his FRIENDS have to REMOVE it and it is SCARY]
Ensign Wesley Crusher: Okay, let's make camp here. I'll tell you all a story!
[he tells an AWESOME story about a PIE-EATING contest that ends in MASS VOMITING]
River Phoenix: I bet you'll be a great writer someday. Me, I won't amount to nothin'.
[they SLEEP and the next day FIND the body, but run into the OLDER BOYS]
Kiefer Sutherland: We're going to take credit for finding this body!!
River Phoenix: No, we are! And I've got the gun to prove it!
Corey Feldman: What!? Now even I think you're crazy. And I'm the crazy one!!
Kiefer Sutherland: Whoa, man. Settle down.
[they do NOT shoot anyone]
Richard Dreyfuss: So then we called the cops with an anonymous tip, and went home. Later, River Phoenix became a lawyer. But then he died. Fuck.