Guest (But Let's Be Real She is the Only One Keeping This Thing Alive) Post: Sunset Boulevard

Ever since I largely abandoned this blog for my much-more-popular Star Trek fashion blog, Laura McClain has been reprimanding me for neglecting it. From time to time she tells me I should write one (I just saw the new Bond movie and HOO BOY is that one begging to get the UCM treatment), and I say "I totally will!!!" and then don't. Then she sends me one and shows me how it's done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is Hollywood in the 1950s, where “Every Movie’s a Circus” (I HAD TO, YOU GUYS)]

William Holden: I bet you’re wondering how I ended up dead in this pool, right? THIS is how you do a beyond-the-grave narration, Spacey!

[it is a LITTLE BIT earlier]

William Holden: I need to get a writing job. I’m supposed to be living the Hollywood dream!

Some Thugs: You’re behind on your car payments, so we’re here to vaguely menace you.

[he GOES to a FANCY PRODUCER’S office and PITCHES a STUPID-SOUNDING baseball movie but he’s still PRETTY HOT]

Fancy Producer: Eh…..

Betty Schaeffer: Fancy producer, I read this baseball script. It’s pretty retarded. Also I yell all of my lines, for no apparent reason.

William Holden: Thanks for nothing, sister.

[he MAKES a SERIES of DESPERATE phone calls to GET a JOB to NO AVAIL]

William Holden: Guess I’ll just drive my car around the streets of Hollywood.

[the THUGS see him and he LEADS them on a CHASE]

William Holden: I’ll just park my car here, in the garage of this giant monster house.

Erich von Stroheim: Ah, you are here. Madam has been waiting.

William Holden: Eh?

[he GOES into the HOUSE which is SUMPTUOUS]

Gloria Swanson: FINALLY YOU’RE HERE. WHERE IS THE TINY CASKET?

William Holden: Ehhhh? Wait a second, you’re….you’re Norma Desmond. You used to be in pictures. You used to be big.*

Gloria Swanson: I AM BIG IT’S THE PICTURES THAT GOT SMALL.*

[she sort of HISSES and DOES weird things with her HANDS]

Gloria Swanson: NOW TAKE MY BELOVED FRIEND AND BURY HIM.

[she REVEALS a DEAD MONKEY that is not REALISTIC, but you’re still like AAAAA]

William Holden: I’m not a monkey undertaker (lol). I’m a writer.

Gloria Swanson: A WRITER, EH? PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MY 700-PAGE SCRIPT FOR SALOME. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE THAT MOVIE, OBVIOUSLY.

William Holden: I guess I could try to bilk you out of some dough.

[he TYPES in her LIVING ROOM decorated with old PHOTOS of her which is a HOT BITCH move]

Erich von Stroheim: Your things are in the guest bedroom over the garage. I moved them from your apartment.

William Holden: This is creepy, but I’m going to see how it plays out for some reason.

[they WORK on her SCRIPT and WATCH her old MOVIES and she TOUCHES his INNER THIGH a LOT and YELLS]

Gloria Swanson: WATCH MY CHARLIE CHAPLIN ROUTINE. I HAVE STILL GOT IT.

Erich von Stroheim: I have moved you into the husband’s old bedroom. It is next to Madame’s.

William Holden: Gross. Yet I will continue to live here.

Gloria Swanson: I BOUGHT YOU SOME NEW SUITS. PUT ON YOUR TUX FOR MY NEW YEAR’S PARTY.

William Holden: When are the other guests getting here?

Gloria Swanson: WE JUST NEED US. AND MAX, WHO IS STARING AT US WEIRDLY.

William Holden: Just us? But why….oh. Ohhhhhh.

Audience: No duh, Holden.

William Holden: Yeah, I reaaaaaaaaaaaaally don’t want to get with that.

Gloria Swanson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[he LEAVES to go  PARTY with NORMAL people]

Betty Schaeffer: Hi! Sorry I was a bitch about your script. I am scrappy and cute and I still yell all my lines for some reason! I liked a story you wrote once and want to make it into a movie.

William Holden: Hmmmmmmm.

Erich von Stroheim: [on PHONE] You must come back. Madame has slit her wrists in a fit of attention-seeking.

William Holden: Shit.

Gloria Swanson: YOU DON’T LOVE MEEEEEEE. LET ME DIIIIIIIE.

William Holden: Oh, SHIT.

[he FUCKS her, MERCIFULLY off-screen]

Gloria Swanson: TRA LA EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL. AND MR. MAYER HAS CALLED! HE WANTS ME BACK. THEY ALL WANT ME BACK.

[they GO to the STUDIO and she looks FLY as FUCK]

Cecil de Mille: Uh, hi Norma. What are you doing here?

[all the TEAMSTERS and old WARDROBE ladies SURROUND her and FAWN and it’s NICE to see this BITCH get the RESPECT she DESERVES]

Cecil de Mille: We just wanted to rent her hilariously old car for a movie. But never tell her that. She was the greatest of them all!

[meanwhile, OUTSIDE]

William Holden: Hello, loud yelling girl. You can use my story to write a screenplay.

Betty Schaeffer: Write it with me!

William Holden: Hmmmmmmmm.

[he SNEAKS out a LOT to WRITE with her and it’s OK, but you JUST WANT to get back to the MANSE of DELUSION]

Gloria Swanson: I MUST BE PERFECT FOR MY COMEBACK! SLATHER ME WITH CREAMS.

[there is a SLATHERING montage]

Betty Schaeffer: I’m breaking up with my fiancé. I love you, predictably.

[they MAKE OUT]

Erich von Stroheim: Your sneaking out has distressed Madam. I will do anything to protect her. I discovered her and was her director. AND HER HUSBAND.

[there is a HILARIOUSLY DRAMATIC musical CUE]

Gloria Swanson: I KNOW THERE IS ANOTHER GIRL. LOOK AT MY HANDS, JOE! I’M FALLING APART!

[she CALLS Betty to TELL her William Holden’s TERRIBLE GIGOLO secret]

William Holden: Yes, Betty, come over. See the truth!

Betty Schaeffer: Let’s get out of here!

William Holden: No, I hate you now. I know I’m the protagonist, but I’m really just kind of a dick.

Gloria Swanson: NOW I HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF.

William Holden: I’m leaving you, Norma.

Gloria Swanson: YOU CAN’T! MAAAAAAAAAAAX!

William Holden: Tell her, Max! Tell her about the car and that you write all her fan mail and that she’s a miserable disgusting failure!

Erich von Stroheim: Madame is the greatest star of them all.*

[Holden PEACES OUT and Gloria Swanson HISSES a LOT and gets CRAZY EYES and then SHOOTS his ASS and you’re like, GOOD]

Reporters: Hubbub! Hubbub! What a scoop!

Gloria Swanson: [SITS CATATONICALLY]

Some Reporter: The news cameras are here.

Gloria Swanson: CAMERAS?

Erich von Stroheim: Uh, yeah. I will support your delusion because I am a good person.

Gloria Swanson: I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK ON SET AND TO BE WITH YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN THE DARK [HISSSSSSS]. I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP MR. DEMILLE.*

[she WRITHES a LOT at the CAMERA and it RULES]

Shutter Island

First of all: there are obvs spoilers up in this piece. I actually had this movie semi-spoiled for me by someone on my Facebook feed the weekend it opened (bad form, by the by), so I read the Wikipedia article to see what the ending was, not really intending to see the movie. It's the kind of film that, if one of my friends wanted to go see it in the cinema, I would go, and gladly, but I wouldn't go of my own volition. Then my roommate brought a bootleg copy home, so I watched it. And you know what? I really liked it, even knowing (most) of the ending.

Also: best use of a one-note musical phrase since Terminator. So scary!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is EXTREMELY FOGGY]
Leonardo DiCaprio: So we gotta investigate this island for the criminally insane. I'm not sure why they're sending me here with a brand-new partner, but I'm sure we'll work well together. Also, my wife died, FYI.
Mark Ruffalo: Right, boss. I am as ruggedly handsome as the cliffs of this scary island are simply rugged.
[they ARRIVE and it is SUPER CREEPY]
Drew Carey's Brother: Surrender your firearms, and all your hope.
Leo: What?
DCB: Um...nothing. Also, the only way to get on or off the island is at this one dock. Just so everyone knows.
[there is SCARY MUSIC]
Ben Kingsley: Welcome to my island. A woman named Rachel Solando has escaped, but as you can see, the rocky terrain would make it very difficult for her to leave the island. She drowned her kids and is living in a fantasy world. Phew, I think that's all the exposition we need, maybe.
Leo: Where's her main psychiatrist?
Ben Kingsley: He, uh, went on vacation.
Michelle Williams: I am your dead wife in a dream and I am telling you that this woman is still on the island and so is this other guy who supposedly doesn't exist wooooo I am deaaaaad!!
Leo: Hmm. My dead dream-wife sounds really sensible. I'm sure this mystery man, Andrew Laeddis, is here.
[they CLIMB AROUND on the island looking for her]
Leo: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!!
Group Therapy Members: GET AWAY FROM HERE!!
Leo: Something weird is going on here.
Mark Ruffalo: Sure, boss.
Ben Kingsley: Oh, wait, we found the supposedly-escaped woman.
Emily Mortimer: What are you doing in my house? I am crazy.
Leo: Something VERY WEIRD is going on here.
[he BREAKS IN to a SECRET WARD]
That Pedophile-Lookin' Dude: You beat me up! Look at my face! You did this!
Leo: What? Huh? What? I just need to find Andrew Laeddis!
[some SCARY MUSIC plays]
Mark Ruffalo: Oh, look, I found the intake form for Andrew Laeddis. You can just read it and see what it says and then this mystery will be solved.
Leo: Um...maybe later.
Mark Ruffalo: Dude. This is, like, a key piece of evidence. Look at it!
Leo: LATER!! I need to concentrate on formulating my Nazi conspiracy theory!!
[they SCALE some CLIFFS and Mark Ruffalo FALLS, maybe]
Leo: Noooooooooooooooo! My newly-appointed partner who I feel so close to that I must scale these cliffs to saaaaaaaaaaaave!!!
[he goes in a CAVE]
Patricia Clarkson: Sup. I'm in a cave, and I have awesome dark hair, and I'm super hot, though I am 50. I am the real Rachel Solando, and I was a psychiatrist here, and I confirm all of your Nazi conspiracy suspicions!!
Leo: I was right about the Nazi conspiracies! I must save my partner! He must be in the lighthouse where they do the Nazi experiments!
[he SWIMS to the lighthouse and it is THRILLING]
Ben Kingsley: So, hey, listen. You know how you think you're a U.S. Marshal and you were investigating an escape and you were trying to find Andrew Laeddis? Turns out you're Andrew Laeddis and you have been here for two years because your wife drowned your kids and then you killed her.
Leo: Wait, whaaaaaaaa?
Mark Ruffalo: Hey, boss. I'm actually your psychiatrist, not your partner.
Leo: Huuuuhhhhh???
Ben Kingsley: We wanted to let you play out your fantasy so we could cure you, otherwise the board is gonna make us lobotomize you. So are you cured?
Leo: Um...yes?
Mark Ruffalo: What's our next move, boss?
Leo: Well, it looks like this conspiracy goes deeper than I thought! Would you rather live as a monster or die as a good man?*
[presumably, they SNIP his BRAIN and he is a ZOMBIE]

In Bruges

[it is, unsurprisingly, BRUGES]
Colin Farrell: What the fuck are we doing in fuckin' Bruges? This is a fuckin' podunk town! Let's go do some more contract killings, like we do!
Brendan Gleeson: Harry said to cool it here for a few days in this charming B&B run by an extremely pregnant and lovely woman. Let's have some fun, see some sights, eh?
[they take a BOAT RIDE and Colin Farrell is like PISSED while Brendan Gleeson GAZES at things in a CHILDLIKE MANNER]
Colin Farrell: I don't want to hang out here anymore! Everything I see keeps giving me memories!
[he remembers KILLING a PRIEST and accidentally a LITTLE BOY and it is REALLY SAD ACTUALLY]
Colin Farrell: My guilt!! Waaaaaah!!
[he meets a HOT GIRL and gets her NUMBER and also befriends a DWARF that is not Peter Dinklage on a MOVIE SET]
Colin Farrell: Okay, maybe we can hang out here a little while longer. I have a date tonight!
Brendan Gleeson: We're supposed to wait for our easily-angered boss Harry to call, though!
Colin Farrell: But this girl is SUPER DUPER HOT. She even has teeth that are crooked in a hot way.
Brendan Gleeson: Okay, fine, I'll stay here and be old.
Ralph Fiennes (on phone): Hey, are you having fun in Bruges? It's a fucking fairytale, innit? A bloody fucking fairytale land.
Brendan Gleeson: I guess.
Ralph Fiennes (on phone): Tell Ray to go down the pub.
[Brendan Gleeson PRETENDS to send Colin Farrell away because he is ACTUALLY NOT THERE but is SUPPOSED to be and it goes on for MUCH LONGER than it HAS to, but this makes it HILARIOUS]
Ralph Fiennes (on phone): Okay, you have to kill him. The kid's done. He killed a little boy. If I'd killed a child, accidentally or otherwise, I would put my pistol in mouth right then and there. HONOR, DUDE.
Brendan Gleeson: Fine. I'll kill him.
[meanwhile, Colin Farrell is PUNCHING CANADIANS and SHOOTING GUYS with BLANKS, though he is on a DATE]
Brendan Gleeson: I guess I'll go pick up the gun, though I do it reluctantly.
[he RETURNS to find Colin Farrell GONE to the PARK, attempting to KILL HIMSELF]

Brendan Gleeson: Noooooo! Oh, wait. I was supposed to kill you. Dang. I guess we're both on Harry's hit list now. Get on a train outta here. You have a future while I do not. I shall wait for Harry to come kill me.

Colin Farrell: Uh...okay. Bye. Sorry you're gonna die.

[he gets on the TRAIN, but the CANADIANS he punched come FIND him and he gets ARRESTED]

Ralph Fiennes: So now I must kill you for sending the boy away and not killing him.

Brendan Gleeson: Okay. Let's go up to the bell tower so we don't hurt any civilians.

[their BATTLE ends with Brendan Gleeson getting SHOT in the LEG]

Ralph Fiennes: I have too much respect for you to kill you.

Hot Girl's Boyfriend that Colin Farrell Shot Earlier: Colin Farrell and my hot girlfriend are down in the plaza, because apparently Bruges only has, like, one plaza! She bailed him out of jail! You can kill him now.

Brendan Gleeson: Nooooooooo!

[Ralph Fiennes SHOOTS him in the NECK so he can't CHASE him, but instead he CLIMBS back UP the tower and JUMPS the fuck OFF so he can WARN Colin Farrell]

Colin Farrell: What the fuuuuuuuck? You died to save me! I regard you as a father figure.

Ralph Fiennes: So nice that you found your father figure right before you DIED.

[he CHASES him ALL THROUGH BRUGES for like a REALLY long time and they end up at the MOVIE SET where the DWARF is in a movie]

Ralph Fiennes: Gahhhh! I must shoot you for killing that child!!

[he SHOOTS Colin Farrell, but one of the bullets EXPLODES the HEAD of the DWARF so he can't tell that it's a DWARF and not a CHILD he killed]

Ralph Fiennes: Well, you've got to stick to your principles.*

[he BLOWS his own HEAD off]

Colin Farrell: I really hope I live.

[MAYBE he does, but MAYBE he does not]

The Naked Kiss

This was actually already published a while back on this blog. But I love it so, and I need you guys to read it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the 1960s]
Kelly: Give me my money, you bastard!!!
Pimp: I'm drunk! Please stop hitting me with your purse!
[her WIG flies off, which only makes her ANGRIER]
Kelly: My bald head!! The shame!! Give me my money!!
[she STORMS out, allowing a TIME SHIFT to two YEARS later]
Griff: Seeing as how I'm the top cop in this one-horse town, I like to hang around the bus station chatting and seeing what low-lifes might come in on the b--WHAAAA?
[he sees Kelly, who is TOTALLY FOXY]
Griff: So...you in town on business?
Kelly: Yep. Angel Foam. It's champagne. Ten bucks a bottle.
[it is OBVIOUS that she is a WHORE]
Griff: Well...that's dirt cheap. I'll take you. I mean it.
[they go back to HIS PLACE and ostensibly BONE, though they are FULLY DRESSED afterward]
Griff: Go check out this one place, Candy's. She'll have a place for a woman like you. But not around here. We'll get along like noise and a hangover* if you try to peddle your trade here, though I just partook in the sweet, sweet product you sell.
[Kelly walks around town and finds a HOUSE that has a sign advertising a PLEASANT ROOM for rent]
Kelly: [nodding in approval] Perhaps I could mend my whorish ways here.
Josephine the Seamstress: Welcome. You can rent this room, where I store a mannequin that represents my dead husband. I talk to it sometimes. You can if you like.
Kelly: I am not in any way creeped out by that. I'll take it. By the way, who's this "Grant" character I've heard so much about?
Josephine: He's a wonderful man. His great-grandfather founded our town. Also, he funded a hospital for crippled children. Also, he is BFF with Griff, the cop.
Kelly: Crippled children, eh? That sounds like a one-way ticket to redemption!
[she somehow gets a JOB at the hospital, though her only WORK EXPERIENCE is WHORING]
Hospital Staff: We love you, Kelly! You are an angel!
[she HELPS her KNOCKED-UP coworker]
Buff, another coworker: So I think I might become a whore over at Candy's. Look, she even gave me $25 in advance.
Kelly: Noooooooo!!!!!
[she CONFRONTS Candy and stuffs the DIRTY MONEY in her mouth]
Some Other Coworker: Let's go to a party at Mr. Grant's house.
[they go, and Grant gives Kelly a PRESENT, though he has JUST MET her]
Grant: You are beautiful. Allow me to show you my vacation footage from Venice in a seductive manner on my leopard-print couch.
[the camera PANS into the light of the PROJECTOR to indicate that they are DOING IT]
Grant: Kelly is the woman of my dreams!
Griff: Hmmm. This is fishy to me.
Kelly: Grant, I must tell you - I was a prostitute.
Grant: No biggie. Marry me. A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a wine bottle.*
Griff: What?!? You can't marry her!!
Kelly: I told him everything about my past! He loves me! I'm going to surprise him at home to cook him dinner!
[she GOES to his HOUSE and sees a SMALL GIRL running out who has APPARENTLY just been MOLESTED]
Grant: See? We're both perverts, because pedophilia and prostitution are exactly the same!
[Kelly FREAKS OUT and hits him on the head with a PHONE, killing him]
Griff: Ha HA! I see what happened! He wanted to call off the wedding because you're a WHORE!!
Kelly: No! There was a little girl! He's a child molester!
Candy: She told me she was going to blackmail him!
Kelly: Shut up, liar!
Candy: Nobody stuffs dirty money in my mouth.*
[no one will HELP Kelly, but then Buff REALIZES she needs to HELP her]
Griff: Okay, gather up all the blonde girls.
Cop that Looks Like Dennis Kucinich: Is this her?
[he PARADES, like, 20 girls in until FINALLY...]
Kelly: Yes! That's her!
Griff: Though you are a whore, you have saved our town's children. Thanks. And bye.
[she GOES on her WAY, because a WHORE is always a WHORE, even when she kills a CHILD MOLESTER]

The Manchurian Candidate (2004)

[it is the GULF WAR...the first one]
Liev Schreiber: AAAAA! SOLDIER THINGS!
[he SAVES some people, or so it SEEMS]
Denzel: And that's how he got this medal, even though I am the one giving the talk about it.
Crazy Guy: DO YOU HAVE DREAMS? ABOUT THE WAR?
Denzel: Uh...
[he DOES, and they are TERRIFYING]
Television Reports: The leading choice for Vice Presidential nominee is Jon Voight.
Meryl Streep: Pick my son. DO IT. I am STREEP and YOU MUST OBEY.
Television Reports: This just in - Liev Schreiber is now the VP nominee.
Denzel: I don't think he's actually a hero. Based solely on my dreams and the rantings of a crazy dude.
[he meets a CUTE GIRL on the TRAIN, though he acts SUPER SKETCHY all the time]
Denzel: They're watching me! Something weird is going on!
[he finds a CHIP or something in his SHOULDER but it falls down the DRAIN]
Denzel: I must get more evidence!
[he BITES Liev Schreiber and gets the CHIP from HIM]
Liev Schreiber: WTF?
[he gets a PHONE CALL that turns out to be the ACTIVATION of his BRAINWASHING]
Scary Doctor: Now we will drill into your brain.
Denzel: Now I will do research on microfiche, because it is way more interesting than Googling!
[he finds out some CONSPIRACY INFORMATION]
Cute Girl from Train: Are you okay?
Denzel: I'm taking this to the Feds!
Cute Girl from Train: I AM THE FEDS.*
Meryl Streep: This is unacceptable!!
[it turns out that she is BEHIND IT ALL]
Denzel: Look! I have evidence that we have been brainwashed!
Jon Voight: I believe you, son.
[he goes KAYAKING but is KILLED by a BRAINWASHED Liev Schreiber]
Jon Voight's Daughter: Dad? Dad? Wait, it's my ex-boyfriend...killing my dad!! Whaaaa!!
Liev Schreiber: Must...eliminate...witnesses...
[he KILLS her too and it is SAD]
Denzel: Seriously! There's evidence!
Liev Schreiber: Oh...shit. Oh, wait, my mom is on the phone and she wants to talk to you.
Meryl Streep: DO AS I SAYYYYY
[Denzel is turned into an ASSASSIN via the BRAINWASHING]
Television Report: It's our new President-elect, and his hot young Vice President-elect!
Meryl Streep: Just make sure you stand on your mark, sweetheart. Then the assassin will shoot the president, and not you. I did this for you, baby. FOR YOU.
[she KISSES him in a REALLY NON-MOTHERLY WAY]
Liev Schreiber: I know I have been brainwashed. Weep weep.
[he does NOT stand on his MARK, but instead LOOKS at Denzel REALLY MEANINGFULLY and Denzel SHOOTS him and his mother SIMULTAENOUSLY]
Denzel: I have saved the day. But I am sad about it.
Cute Girl from Train Who is Also a Federal Agent: Thanks.

Fargo

[it is MINNESOTA]
William H. Macy: Okay, so I've got this plan, see, this plan for you guys to kidnap my wife and we'll split the ransom you get from my overbearing father-in-law. It's perfect, no way at all it could go wrong. Here's a car from my father-in-law's dealership.
Steve Buscemi: Sounds good. We'll get some pancakes and get laid on the way.
[they DO]
William H. Macy: YOU HAVE TO GET THE SEALANT ON THE CAR. I'm sorry, customers, my personal problems are surfacing here.
Father-in-Law: I know I told you earlier that I wouldn't do business with you, but now I have decided I will, so there's no need for you to extort money from anyone...in case you were planning to.
William H. Macy: Shit.
[EVERYTHING goes WRONG and he tries to CANCEL the kidnapping but CAN'T and his wife gets KIDNAPPED after running around in a SHOWER CURTAIN]
William H. Macy: SHIT. I am the worst husband ever.
[meanwhile, in the KIDNAPPERS' CAR]
Steve Buscemi: Hey! Keep it still back there, lady, or we'll kill ya!
[they get PULLED OVER and kill a COP and some ONLOOKERS and it is CRAZY BLOODY]
Peter Stormare: [extremely SCARY silence]
[meanwhile, in a ROOM with pictures of DUCKS in it]
Frances McDormand: Oh God. Gotta get up and get to a triple homicide scene, and I'm pretty darn pregnant! Thanks fer the eggs, hon.
[she SURVEYS the scene and is CLEARLY a SMART detective, though she has MORNING SICKNESS]
Deputy: Looks like we got a guy with plates that start with DLR.
Frances McDormand: I think those might be dealer plates, there.
Deputy: Oh. Geez.*
Frances McDormand: Ya hear about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he changed his name to J3L 2404?*
Deputy: Yah. That's a good one.*
[meanwhile, at a CABIN, Mrs. William H. Macy tries to ESCAPE but only succeeds in RUNNING AROUND AIMLESSLY and it is HILARIOUS]
Steve Buscemi: [laughs]
Peter Stormare: [extremely SCARY silence]
[meanwhile, in a MOTEL]
Frances McDormand: So, you're hookers. What can you tell me about these guys you stayed with the other night?
Hooker: Well, the little guy was funny-lookin'. He wasn't circumcised.*
Frances McDormand: Is that it?
Hooker: Yah.
[meanwhile, at the CAR DEALERSHIP]
Steve Buscemi [on phone]: We're gonna need more money. We killed some people. Yeah. Sorry about that.
William H. Macy: But the plan! It was so perfect! GAH!
[meanwhile, in MINNEAPOLIS, where the sheriff has TRACKED DOWN the INTERMEDIARY]
Frances McDormand: Just investigatin' a murder and some stolen vehicles, here! Know anything about it?
William H. Macy: Uh...no.
[he OBVIOUSLY does]
Frances McDormand: All right! I'm savin' yer reaction in my detective's brain.
High School Boyfriend: So good to see you, sheriff! I know you're married and pregnant, but here is my sad life story about my dead wife. Maybe you'll make out with me now?
Frances McDormand: Uh...no.
[meanwhile, in the PARKING RAMP where the EXCHANGE is to take place]
Father-in-Law: Give me my daughter!
Steve Buscemi: Give me my money!
[he SHOOTS the father-in-law and the father-in-law shoots HIM in the FACE and the father-in-law ends up DEAD, with GOOSE DOWN everywhere]
William H. Macy: Oh, geez.*
[some more CLUES are found that lead the PREGGERS SHERIFF to the CABIN where the KIDNAPPERS are]
Steve Buscemi: I got shot in the fucking face, man! I WANT THAT FUCKING CUTLASS CIERA!
Peter Stormare: [KILLS him with an AXE like PAUL BUNYAN and puts him in the WOOD CHIPPER]
Frances McDormand: Oh dear. Oh geez. Look at this. His foot's still stickin' right outta the wood chipper! Ya killed all these people just fer some money. That's just not right. Now I gotta arrest ya.
[she DOES]
Her Husband: My paintin's goin' on a stamp.
Frances McDormand: I unraveled a huge web of lies and murder. But a stamp's good too.

Psycho

[it is PHOENIX in the 1960s]
Janet Leigh: I'm so conflicted. I love my man, but we have such a sordid affair, and he has to pay his bitch ex-wife alimony, and he lives in a tiny room, and we have to have sex in tawdry hotels. Why can't something come along that could solve all of our problems??
Her Boss: Please take this $40,000 in cash from this blustery businessman to the bank.
Janet Leigh: That's IT! Hooray for MacGuffins!
[she goes home and PACKS and does NOT take the money to the BANK]
Janet Leigh: Thus have I chosen the wrong path.
[some MUSIC plays to ILLUMINATE the WRONGNESS]
Janet Leigh: Oh my. This music is certainly ominous. And tiring!
[she FALLS ASLEEP on the SIDE of the ROAD]
Police Officer: You're going to need to leave.
Janet Leigh: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! DON'T SUSPECT ME!!!
Police Officer: Uh...okay.
Janet Leigh: I gotta ditch this car, man.
[she TRADES it in for a NEW CAR in a HASTY manner]
Janet Leigh: Shit! I thought the ominous music might stop with a new car, but no.
[she IMAGINES what everyone is SAYING and her GUILT is APPARENT]
Janet Leigh: I'll just stop at this terrifying-looking motel here.
Anthony Perkins: Hi. Welcome. You're pretty. No one else is staying here. Don't be scared. Want some food?
Janet Leigh: Sure, socially awkward man.
[she HEARS him ARGUING with his MOTHER about how he has a CHEAP EROTIC MIND]
Anthony Perkins: We may have to eat in the parlor, which is full of taxidermied birds. I hope that's cool.
Janet Leigh: Suuuuure...so, what's up with your mom?
Anthony Perkins: DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOM! SHE'S NOT CRAZY!!! She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes.*
Janet Leigh: You have reminded me that I have made a rash decision by stealing that cash. I better go remedy it.
[she goes to her ROOM to PACK and feel GUILTY some more]
Janet Leigh: You know what would be good? A nice shower.
[Mother STORMS in and KILLS her and it's TERRIFYING even though you NEVER see the KNIFE go in and the BLOOD is CHOCOLATE SYRUP]
Anthony Perkins: Mother! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[he CLEANS UP after Mother and PUSHES the CAR into a SWAMP]
Anthony Perkins: Surely, no one will find her here. She wasn't even using her real name!
[meanwhile, in PHOENIX]
Everyone: Where's Janet Leigh?
Blustery Businessman: Where's my money?
Detective: I'll find her. It'll be easy, I'll just stop at a bunch of dilapidated motels until I find the right one.
[he DOES]
Detective: So, have you seen this girl?
Anthony Perkins: [gives the SKETCHIEST ANSWER in the history of DETECTIVE WORK]
Detective: If it doesn't gel, it isn't aspic, and this ain't gelling.*
[he goes to INTERROGATE Mother, but is KILLED before he can DO SO and it is WAY STARTLING]
Janet Leigh's Sister: Maybe we should go see if that detective has found anything else.
[they go to the MOTEL and it looks DESERTED but REALLY it is NOT]
Janet Leigh's Boyfriend: Well, nothing going on here...except creepiness. Why won't that old lady respond to our hollers? Let's talk to the sheriff.
Sheriff Pajamas: You went to the Bates place? And saw an old woman? That's impossible - Mrs. Bates killed her lover and herself ten years ago.
Sister and Boyfriend: Whaaaaaa?
[meanwhile, back at the BATES MOTEL]
Anthony Perkins: Mother, you have to go in the fruit cellar a while.
Mother: You think I'm fruity?!?*
Boyfriend: We better search this motel. Something funny's going on here.
[they DO, and find PAPER with the number 40,000 on it, which PROVES that something HAPPENED, apparently]
Sister: I'll search the house while you keep the creepy antisocial guy occupied.
[she DOES, and finds a bunch of WEIRD-ASS SHIT, including the DESSICATED BODY of Mother]
Anthony Perkins [in a WIG and DRESS]: Now I will KILL YOU!!
[the BOYFRIEND stops him as the MUMMY looks CREEPY]
Psychiatrist: He has a multiple personality disorder, or something. And an Oedipus complex. And he's basically just crazy.
Anthony Perkins: I'm not even gonna swat that fly. I hope they are watching. They'll see. They'll see and they'll know and they'll say, 'Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly.'*

Rear Window

[it is NEW YORK in the 1950s]
Jimmy Stewart: Wah wah wah. I broke my leg and I can't do my job, but I have a hot-ass, super-awesome girlfriend and a sassy, no-nonsense nurse to take care of me. But I'm still whining.
[many PHOTOGRAPH-RELATED things are shown to DISPLAY his SKILLS]
Thelma Ritter: I'm here from the insurance company, who apparently sent me to massage you and reprimand you. Why don't you marry that pretty girlfriend of yours?
Jimmy Stewart: She's just too perfect.
Thelma Ritter: Didn't you hear me? I AM NO-NONSENSE AND SASSY. That means what I say it the truth, like it or lump it. Once, it was see somebody, get excited, get married. Now, it's read a lot of books, fence with a lot of four-syllable words, psychoanalyze each other until you can't tell the difference between a petting party and a civil service exam.*
Jimmy Stewart: Get outta here. I have a lot of voyeuring to get done before my girlfriend gets here.
[he WATCHES his neighbors, including a DANCER, a SAD SPINSTER, an UNHAPPY COUPLE, some NEWLYWEDS, and a DOG that rides in a BASKET]
Grace Kelly: Hi! I brought you a lobster dinner and my beautiful self.
Jimmy Stewart: GAH! I don't want to marry you!! You don't understand me! STOP SMOTHERING ME!!
[he is kind of a DICK, but she LOVES him]
Grace Kelly: I won't see you for a long time...at least until tomorrow night.* Because I love you, you asshole.
[Jimmy Stewart WATCHES his neighbors SOME MORE and sees the UNHAPPY SALESMAN leave a bunch of times]
Jimmy Stewart: Now I am suspicious!
[he uses BINOCULARS to look closer and then a TELEPHOTO LENS that is PHALLIC to look EVEN CLOSER and notices MORE SUSPICIOUS THINGS]
Grace Kelly: I told you I'd be back. Let's make out.
Jimmy Stewart: I think my neighbor killed his wife! She's GONE!
Grace Kelly: You're crazy.
[they see the neighbor TIE UP a HUGE fucking CRATE and his wife's PURSE and JEWELRY are still there]
Grace Kelly: Okay, maybe not.
[Jimmy Stewart calls his COP FRIEND, who ALSO tells him he is CRAZY]
Jimmy Stewart: What do you need? Bloody footsteps leading up to the door?*
Cop Friend: One thing I don't need is heckling.*
Grace Kelly: YOU said I couldn't pack in one suitcase. BUT LOOK! I have a sexy, sexy negligee in this suitcase. That's all I need to stay here and solve this mystery with you.
Jimmy Stewart: Now that you believe that my neighbor killed his wife, I want to bone you.
Cop Friend: Seriously, you guys, he did NOT kill his wife. We have, like, a million pieces of extremely sketchy and unconfirmed evidence.
Jimmy Stewart: Whatevs. Get out of here so my girlfriend can change into her sexy nightie.
[she DOES and it is SEXY]
Dog-in-a-Basket Owner: Someone killed my dog! YOU'RE ALL TERRIBLE PEOPLE!
Grace Kelly: That dog knew too much.*
[they send a NOTE to the SALESMAN and then SCHEME to get him OUT of his APARTMENT so the women can go DIG in the GARDEN]
Thelma Ritter: [SHRUGS because there is NOTHING THERE]
Grace Kelly: You know, I've always wanted to climb through a window in a beautiful dress and delicate shoes. BEST. PLAN. EVER.
[she CLIMBS through an OPEN WINDOW into the SALESMAN'S APARTMENT to do some SNOOPING]
Jimmy Stewart: Oh no! The sad spinster is going to kill herself!
Thelma Ritter: Oh no! We missed the salesman returning because we were distracted by the sad spinster!
[the salesman FINDS Grace Kelly and tries to KILL her and Jimmy Stewart is LITERALLY IMPOTENT but then the POLICE arrive and ARREST her for BURGLARY]
Jimmy Stewart: But look! She got the wife's wedding ring! I have never been so attracted to her as I am right now.
[he calls his COP FRIEND to BAIL her OUT, but accidentally BUSTS himself when the SALESMAN calls]
Jimmy Stewart: Shiiiiiiiiit.
[there is a RIDICULOUSLY SUSPENSEFUL SEQUENCE while we WAIT for the salesman to GET THERE]
Salesman: Why didn't you turn me in?
Jimmy Stewart: Take THAT!
[he flashes FLASHBULBS in his FACE to DISTRACT him, but the SALESMAN does not have a BROKEN LEG and tries to THROW him out the WINDOW]
Police: We're here and everything is cool. Apparently he moved whatever was buried in the garden to a hatbox in his apartment. Want to see?
Thelma Ritter: I don't want any part of it.* Gross.
Grace Kelly: Let's get married, since solving this gruesome murder of a wife by her husband has somehow changed your mind about me being too perfect.
[everyone is HAPPY in the courtyard except the NEWLYWEDS, who are FIGHTING]

All About Eve

[it is NEW YORK in the 1950s]
Gay-but-not Columnist: Here is a bunch of exposition about these people. But who you're really going to hear about tonight is EVE, who's accepting an award. This is...ALL ABOUT EVE.
[flashbackflashbackflashback]
Mrs. Playwright: Why, child! You're out in the rain! I have noticed you stalking my friend, the great Broadway star, before. Why don't you come in and do your stalking out of the cold!
Eve: Gee, shucks, golly, thanks a bunch. I couldn't begin to tell you how much this means to me. Shucks. Golly.
[they go INSIDE and she is AWED]
Bette Davis: WHAT DO YOU WANT? I'M PUTTING ON MY COLD CREAM.
Eve: Well, I just wanted to meet you. You're my hero. I'm just a young Army widow from Wisconsin who used to work at a brewery. When you're a secretary in a brewery, it's hard to pretend you're anything else. Everything is beer.*
Thelma Ritter: What a sad story. It has cracked even the veneer of this sarcastic, no-nonsense character I always play, but always awesomely.
Bette Davis: Hmm...perhaps you could be of use to me, child. I have been looking for someone I can kick around without feeling very bad about it.
[she HIRES her as some sort of GIRL FRIDAY/PROFESSIONAL FAN]
Eve: [STARES at her WEIRDLY and acts STALKERY]
Bette Davis: This is weirding me out. Let's just have a party for my 8-years-younger boyfriend, the director, who has been in Hollywood. I'll get raging drunk. It'll be fabulous.
[she DOES, and it IS]
Director-Boyfriend: Eve's quite interesting, isn't she? I sort of like her.
Bette Davis: FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS...IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY NIGHT.*
[she gets DRUNKER]
Gay-but-not Critic: I brought this very beautiful girl as my date to cover up my gayness. She's a graduate of the Copacabana School of Dramatic Art.*
Marilyn Monroe: I'm gonna be famous!
Bette Davis: I'm so oolllldddd!!!
[she gets EVEN DRUNKER and MORE FABULOUS]
Eve: Oh golly gosh gee willikers. I sure would love to be Bette Davis' understudy.
Mrs. Playwright: That sounds perfectly logical, and not at all creepy and stalkery. I'll talk to the producer behind my best friend's back to help you.
[she DOES, and it is SCANDALOUS]
Director-Boyfriend: Oh, hey, sweetie. Eve read your part during Miss Copacabana's audition and she was better than you ever were. SUCKA!
Bette Davis: I WILL NOT BE PLOTTED AGAINST.*
[Director-Boyfriend PUSHES her on a BED to more STRONGLY prove his POINT]
Mrs. Playwright: Hmm...perhaps Bette Davis needs to be taken down a notch.
[she plans a TRICK so that Eve will PERFORM instead of Bette Davis and they get STRANDED in the COUNTRY]
Bette Davis: I'll take this opportunity of being stranded in a car to tell you my entire philosophy of being a woman in show business.
[she DOES]
Bette Davis: Slow curtain. The end.*
The Press: We love Eve!
Bette Davis: I HATE YOU ALL.
Gay-but-not Critic: So, Eve, looks like your plan is working pretty well. We should hang out. Maybe I'm not gay. No one knows.
[they go to the CUB ROOM and EVERYONE is there and DRAMA ensues in the BATHROOM]
Eve: If you don't tell your husband to give me the part in his new play, I'll tell everyone about the trick you played and you'll be ruined. RUINED!
[she does a lot of INTENSE LOOKING to show she means BUSINESS]
Mrs. Playwright: All right. I'll do what you ask, you contemptible little worm.
Bette Davis: Guess what! Director-Boyfriend and I are getting married!
[she RETIRES because she is MARRIED and you can't KEEP HOUSE and ACT as well]
Eve: MY PLAN IS FALLING INTO PLACE. Now, for the playwright!
[she has an AFFAIR with the playwright and tries to CONVINCE him to leave his WIFE, because she hasn't done ENOUGH DAMAGE]
Gay-but-not Critic: Ohhhh, no you don't. You're mine now! I know all about your made-up story. Dead husband? PLEASE. You're a LIAR.
[Eve LAUGHS and he SLAPS her in the WORST STAGE COMBAT ever to be FILMED]
Gay-but-not Critic: Now remember as long as you live, never to laugh at me. At anything or anyone else, but never at me.*
[we are RETURNED to the original TIME FRAME, where Eve is ACCEPTING her AWARD]
Everyone: [stares ICILY]
Bette Davis: Nice speech, Eve. But I wouldn't worry too much about your heart. You can always put that award where your heart ought to be.*
[Eve RETURNS to her HOTEL ROOM to BASK in her DECEIT and GRANDEUR]
Some Random: Hi. I snuck into your room, and then fell asleep in it. Can I please become your protege in much the same way you did with Bette Davis, and form a Machiavellian scheme to basically take over your life?
Eve: Sure.
[the RANDOM puts on Eve's CAPE and LOOKS at herself in a 360-degree MIRROR for, like, EVER so you KNOW it's come FULL CIRCLE]

Daisy Kenyon

[it is NEW YORK]
Joan Crawford: Stay very still, my friend, whilst I paint you for a magazine. Listen to the beautiful music playing on my rec- HEY!
Dana Andrews: Hi, honeybunch. I turned off your record so I could talk to you.
Joan Crawford's BFF: Let me just grab my coat and go. I'm on my way to the Biggest Shoulderpads in the World Competition.
Dana Andrews: Now, listen, sugarplum, I gotta be with you. I don't care about my wife or my kids or anything. Just you.
Joan Crawford: That's too bad, since I have a dinner date. I need to go change.
[she CHANGES into literally the EXACT SAME DRESS but with SPARKLES on it]
Dana Andrews: Fine. Just don't get too deep into it.
Henry Fonda: Hello. I love you.
Joan Crawford: You're just talking crazy because you're an ex-GI who designs yachts and whose wife died. All of those things...they're making you crazy! But I like it.
[Dana Andrews is back at HOME, where his FAMILY is CRAZY]
Shrewish Wife: Why are you always gone? Why aren't you here with me and the girls?
Dana Andrews: Well, the SEC -
Shrewish Wife: OH GOD I'LL NEVER REMEMBER THAT!* Just talk to me about other things.
[she BEATS their younger DAUGHTER for an UNSPECIFIED reason, and then they all go to the STORK CLUB, where they RUN INTO...]
Joan Crawford: Ha! We're leaving! Damn him!
[some sort of SUBPLOT involving a JAPANESE DUDE and his FARM allows Dana Andrews to go to CALIFORNIA and come back]
Dana Andrews: Okay, I'm back.
Joan Crawford: Okay, I'm married. We're moving to the cape.
[they DO]
Dana Andrews: Let's all just have a drink and sort this out.
Henry Fonda: I'll divorce her whenever she wants. But I do love her. I guess.
Joan Crawford: I want another martini.*
[NOTHING is settled AT ALL]
Dana Andrews: [on phone] You mean more to me than my whole family!
Shrewish Wife: GAAAAH!!! I'm divorcing you! And I'm dragging HER name through the mud while I'm at it!
[there is an ACTUAL TRIAL with WITNESSES and EVERYTHING, even though it is a DIVORCE]
Dana Andrews: I can't put you through this!
Joan Crawford: Leave me alone!
[she RUNS AWAY to the CAPE and CRASHES her car in a HILARIOUS manner]
Dana Andrews: Okay, do you love me?
Henry Fonda: Or me?
Joan Crawford: You can both leave!!
[only Dana Andrews LEAVES because Henry Fonda KNOWS in his HEART that she LOVES him or something]

Guest Post: Notorious

Frequent contributor Laura McClain knows that only good can come out of a zany Ingrid Bergman, a debonair Cary Grant (is that redundant?) and a Nazi Claude Rains. And some sort of ore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is a POST-WAR Miami]

Radio Announcer: The trial of that Nazi is at an end! He is guilty! Look, it’s his daughter!

Ingrid Bergman: (walks in a DIGNIFIED MANNER)

[later, at her HOUSE]

Ingrid Bergman: Hey friends! Let’s drink our troubles away! I am drinking a lot, which indicates that my troubles are vast and disturbing. This party is wild!

[they PARTY in a TAME way]

Ingrid Bergman: Hey, stranger. Care for a drink? Who are you, anyway?

[she is not CONCERNED that there is a STRANGER in her HOUSE, but then the camera REVEALS that it is Cary Grant, so it makes SENSE that she DIGS it]

Cary Grant: [stares at her HOTLY]

Ingrid Bergman: Me and my sequined striped shirt need some fresh air. Let’s go for a joyride.

[they DO and it is very HITCHCOCKIAN]

Ingrid Bergman: What if I killed us right now?

Cary Grant: Uh….

[they get PULLED OVER before she can DO SO]

Cary Grant: No need to pull over this drunk, officer. I’m one of you.

Ingrid Bergman: You’re a copper!*

[she is ENRAGED and then PASSES OUT]

Cary Grant: Good morning, drunk. Tell you what. If you will let us exploit you as a spy for the Americans, we won’t throw you in the slammer for your repeated DUIs.

Ingrid Bergman: Fucking cops. How do you know I’m not a Nazi too?

[he PLAYS her a TAPPED phone CONVERSATION with her Nazi dad in which she GIVES an IMPASSIONED speech about how much she LOVES America]

Cary Grant: Busted!

[they GO to Rio for their SUPER-SECRET spy mission]

Ingrid Bergman: I’m turning over a new leaf! I’m not going to be a skanky party girl anymore!

[though she is the most DIGNIFIED “party girl” in HISTORY, he does not BELIEVE her]

Ingrid Bergman: I know what your problem is! You are TOTALLY in love with me! And you hate yourself!

[she YELLS about this for a WHILE until he KISSES her PASSIONATELY to SHUT her UP]

Spy Boss: Great news, Cary Grant! We have a mission for your new spy! We’re going to whore her out to this Nazi her dad was friends with. He is conveniently in love with her!

Cary Grant: NOOOO! I mean…totally. That sounds great.

Ingrid Bergman: But I thought you loved me! My whoring days are done!

Cary Grant: Sorry.

Ingrid Bergman: I shall seduce him…to spite you.

Claude Rains: I am so glad you called me! I have loved you forever. Come to my dinner party and meet my creepy mother and Nazi pals!

[she DOES, and it is SAD for those ACTORS that REALLY look like Nazis]

Ingrid Bergman: Oh, Cary Grant. How convenient to bump into you at this horse race.

[they have SPY talk which is COOL, especially since they TOTALLY want to BONE]

Claude Rains: Why are you talking to him? I feel inferior, obviously! You must convince me of your loyalty by marrying me!

Ingrid Bergman: So, spy boss. Want me to marry the conniving Nazi?

Spy Boss: Yeah, sounds good. This is really taking whoring to a whole new level, isn’t it?
[Cary Grant is TORMENTED, and ACTS like an ASSHOLE to COVER it UP]

Claude Rains: Let’s throw a lavish party for my Na - I mean, totally regular German expatriate friends.

Ingrid Bergman: Now is my chance to finally do some damn spy work!

[she STEALS his KEY to his SHADOWY wine cellar, and GIVES it to Cary Grant]

Cary Grant: My spy brain can deduce that there is something funny with these wine bottles.

[he CLUMSILY drops one and it is FILLED with some kind of ORE, which would not be FUN to DRINK]

Ingrid Bergman: Oh no! My crazy jealous husband is coming!

Cary Grant: Let’s make out.

[they DO and it is SCANDALOUS, but HOT]

Claude Rains: I shall simmer with barely contained rage. Why is my floor covered with ore?

[he has FIGURED it out, FINALLY]

Claude Rains: Mom, what should I do? My wife is totally a spy, and those mean Nazis will be so mad if they find out!

Nazi Mom: Let’s just poison her.

[they DO, in SMALL doses]

Ingrid Bergman: Time for a secret spy meeting. I think I might puke.

Cary Grant: That’s some hangover you have.*

[he is INSULTING, cause apparently that is how you TREAT someone you LOVE]

Cary Grant: Wait a second…she was a lot more fun when she was actually drunk! I think there’s something fishy going on here…

[he GOES to her HOUSE and FINDS her on her DEATHBED]

Cary Grant: I shall save your life! Sorry I was a douchebag. It’s cause I loved you, or something.

Ingrid Bergman: No biggie.

[he CARRIES her OUT, and IMPLIES that she is a SPY to the MANY Nazis in their house]

Claude Rains: Take me with you!

Cary Grant: Not so much.

[they DRIVE away, and the MUSIC is DISTRESSFUL cause he is TOTALLY going to be KILLED, but also TRIUMPHANT, cause we LOVE it when a Nazi gets his COMEUPPANCE]

Laura

[it is NEW YORK]
Waldo Lydecker: I remember that hot, hot day when Laura died...so hot, in fact, that when I received the officer investigating her murder, I was in the bathtub.
Dana Andrews: Hello. I am surprisingly attractive in these high-waisted 40s pants. So what's the deal with you and Laura? Were you in love with her? And why are you so ornery?
Waldo Lydecker: Why, I'm not mean. I should be sincerely sorry to see my neighbor's children devoured by wolves.*
[they go to Laura's AUNT'S house, where she is ENTERTAINING Laura's FIANCEE, whom she wants to GET WITH]
Vincent Price: Well, hey there, lieutenant. Did anyone realize I was so tall? No? That's okay.
Dana Andrews: Were YOU in love with her? Are you in love with this aunt? Who's in love with who here?
[they go to Laura's APARTMENT and GAZE at her PORTRAIT]
Dana Andrews: Looks like she's the kind of dame who hangs a portrait of herself over her own mantle.
Waldo Lydecker: Never EVER call her a dame!!!
[they HANG OUT and have a FLASHBACK]
Earlier Laura: Will you endorse this pen? I'd be SO AWESOME at the advertising firm I work at, though I am only 17.
Earlier Waldo: I don't use pens. I use a quill pen dipped in venom.*
[for SOME REASON, probably having to do with Laura's VERVE and WARMTH, he APOLOGIZES and her career TAKES OFF]
Waldo: I remember we had so much fun together, though I am old and sad, and she was young and vibrant.
[they are shown doing VIBRANT THINGS, including Laura eating LETTUCE, SEXILY]
Waldo: But then she met some men who were a more appropriate age for her and I had to stop that.
Earlier Laura: I'm going to marry Vincent Price.
Earlier Waldo: Noooooooooo! He's in love with that model! Don't do it!
[he PROVES that Vincent Price is a CAD]
Earlier Laura: I'm going to the country to think! Don't follow me!
Waldo: And then she got murdered.
Dana Andrews: Hmmm...I better go to her apartment and gaze at her portrait creepily some more. Then maybe I will not fall in love with her.
[he DRINKS in her apartment in an UNPROFESSIONAL manner]
Laura: Hey! What are you doing here! And why are you so very attractive?
Dana Andrews: Hey! You're supposed to be dead!
Laura: Uh...what? I've been in the country, completely cut off from everyone and everything. Totally.
[they invite the MAID into the KITCHEN and she FUCKING FREAKS OUT]
Maid: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! You're ALIVE!!!!
Laura: Yeah. Can you make us some eggs?*
[he tells Laura NOT to leave but she DOES and meets Vincent Price]
Vincent Price: I'm not hiding evidence! I'm innocent! For reals! This isn't even my shotgun!
Dana Andrews: Hmmmmmm...I am unconvinced. Also, Laura is fascinating.
[they invite EVERYONE over and have a LAURA'S NOT DEAD party to try and FERRET OUT the KILLER of the girl everyone thought was LAURA]
Dana Andrews: Okay, Laura...come to the station.
[he shines the BRIGHTEST LIGHTS IN THE WORLD on her face to INTERROGATE her and see how BEAUTIFUL she is]
Dana Andrews: I guess you're not the killer.
[they GAZE at each other A LOT]
Laura: No, I'm not.
[more GAZING]
Dana Andrews: I guess it was that crazy old man, then. The old "if I can't have you, no one can" deal. Sigh.
[they go BACK to Laura's and FIND the MURDER WEAPON in a CLOCK]
Waldo Lydecker: If I can't have her, no one can!
[he TRIES to shoot her, but is STOPPED by the POLICE]
Dana Andrews: Great. Now I can love you...my dream woman. Wait, ARE you a dream? Nooooooo!

Street of Chance (1942)

[it is NEW YORK]

Burgess Meredith: [gets hit on the head by a brick]

Some Dude: Help this guy! Hey man, do you know who you are?

Burgess Meredith: Well, sure I do! But why do my cigarette case and hat have someone else’s initials on them? Oh well, I’ll just go home.

His Landlady: WHAAAA?!?! You’re back!

His Wife: You’re home!!!!!!!

Burgess Meredith: Uh, yeah, I just left, like, this morning.

His Wife: Actually, you left over a year ago and never came back.

Burgess Meredith: Well, that explains the cigarette case and hat, I guess.

His Wife: Of course! You must have gotten hit on the head and lost your memory, and then taken on someone else’s identity! Clearly, this is the most plausible explanation!! I will let you go figure it out, because I am the most understanding wife in the history of the world.

Burgess Meredith: I’ll just tell my boss I had a nervous breakdown and go back to work.

[he does, but some THUGS follow him around]

Burgess Meredith: Hmmm…this is certainly mysterious.

[he goes back to the PLACE where the brick HIT him]

Hot Girl: Danny! Danny! What are you doing! Get inside!

[she explains that he is wanted for the MURDER of a RICH man who left a lot of money to his WIFE and his BROTHER, who are TOTALLY SUSPECT]

Burgess Meredith: Let’s solve this! I don’t know you, or anything about this double life I’ve been leading, but I’ll pretend I do, to hilarious (in a noir way) results!

[they go to the SMALL TOWN where they both work as SERVANTS to some RICH PEOPLE]

Brother of Deceased: Though I am totally creepy, I have money, so the ladies love me.

Wife of Deceased: Indeed.

[Burgess Meredith CONDUCTS TESTS to see if they could have committed the MURDER, but they COULDN’T have]

Burgess Meredith: Now I’m stumped. I know! I’ll ask bedridden, mute Granny! Blink me out the answer, Grandma. Just blink once for A, two for B, three for C…

[SEVENTEEN hours later]

Burgess Meredith: It was Hot Girl!

Hot Girl: I did it for you, Danny! For you!!!!

Burgess Meredith: I guess I’ll go back to my wife.

PIckup on South Street

I saw this film primarily because of the director, Samuel Fuller, who is quickly becoming my favorite 1950s director (nerd!!). The two other movies of his I saw were probably better, but this one was sweet as hell and took place in New York.
~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the 1950s]
Pickpocket: I am the best pickpocket EVER! No one could possibly catch me picking this hot woman's purse!
Feds: We saw you pick her purse.
Pickpocket: No way man!!
Feds: But we saw you because we were tailing her, because she works for...THE COMMUNISTS. She was transporting some film to a lead communist.
Head Fed: You need to help us, or you're as bad as the people who gave Stalin the a-bomb.*
Pickpocket: You wavin' a flag at me?*
[meanwhile, at the COMMUNIST'S house]
Hot Girl: I'm sorry, my purse got picked! I couldnt' deliver the thing you wanted me to deliver, the importance of which I have no idea about.
Commie Dude: Damn! Find the pickpocket and GET BACK THAT FILM!!!
[she finds a CRAZY STOOLIE LADY who helps her find the PICKPOCKET]
Hot Girl: You need to give me that film!!
[he CLOCKS her in the JAW]
Pickpocket: I'm sorry. Let me creepily massage your face and then kiss you.
Hot Girl: Inexplicably, I am attracted to you.
Pickpocket: Everybody likes everybody when they're kissing.*
Hot Girl: Seriously, though, I need the film. Here's $500.
Pickpocket: You bring me $25,000 and I'll think about it.
[the CRAZY STOOLIE LADY warns the pickpocket about the COMMIES]
Commie Dude: Oh HELL no!
[he KILLS the CRAZY STOOLIE LADY and it is SAD]
Hot Girl: I will help you, feds, in honor of the memory of Crazy Stoolie Lady.
Pickpocket: I will also help you in her honor.
[they RETRIEVE the FILM by having an AWESOME FIGHT in the THIRD AVENUE subway station and AMERICA is SAVED]

Classics Week Guest Post: Citizen Kane

Due to an unprecedented number of submissions of "classic" films for this blog (okay, it was two, but we're totally going to make this work), we've decided to make this week Classics Week here at the ultra-condensed studios. Russell Reed takes on what may be the #1 classic of all time - or maybe just the most overrated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is 1940-something and we ZOOM in on Xanadu castle into the BEDROOM of a DYING man]

Kane: I’m dying alone and sad. I will make sure to drop this snow globe as artfully as possible when I die. Also, Rosebud.

[He DIES, and even though there is NO ONE around to hear his LAST WORD, a reporter with ESP picks up on it and decides to INVESTIGATE, interviewing people in his LIFE and seeing lots of FLASHBACKS]

[in the PAST]

Rich dude: Hey, I can raise your son in the lap of luxury, so you should totally give him to me.

Kane’s parents: Ok.

[We see Kane SLEDDING in the background in a DEEP FOCUS shot]

[less in the PAST, we see Kane become a CITIZEN, newspaper MOGUL, and have a LOVELESS marriage, which PISSES OFF William Randolph Hearst since this is based on his LIFE]

Reporter: Well, that didn’t really explain anything. I guess I’ll never know what he meant, but that’s cool cause I got this ESP thing going for me.

[In a GIANT furnace, Kane’s belongings are being BURNED and we see that his SLED was named ROSEBUD, thus showing that even if you become RICH and POWERFUL you should make time for SLEDDING]