Phantom Thread

 

Listen, I can’t claim to truly understand any Paul Thomas Anderson film. To be perfectly honest, we’re probably not supposed to. Film nerds always need something to dissect and I do enjoy a lot of his work, except Magnolia which can GTFO. And it’s always nice to see DDL’s hot face unobscured by voluminous mustaches or Lincoln beards. So I think I liked this movie? I like clothes and chilly men, and I can certainly sympathize with the effects of eating something that REALLY doesn’t agree with you. 

***

[it is a GLAMOROUS time filled with LOUD and ATONAL music]

Daniel Day-Lewis: It is I, Reynolds Woodcock, an elegant couture designer with the name of an amateur porn star. 

[he actually CREATES a COUTURE gown because DDL doesn’t PHONE it in, BITCHES]

His Lover: You never talk to me at breakfast anymore. 

His Sister: Shall I get rid of her?

DDL: [without LOOKING UP] Mmhmm.

[he dons FUSCIA SOCKS and goes to some kind of INN where Alma, a waitress, SMILES at him and immediately FALLS DOWN]

DDL: That was adorkable. Now to my breakfast! Here is the list of meats I would like to consume. Recite it back to me. 

[she DOES without BREAKING his GAZE and it is STRANGELY INTENSE as all their INTERACTIONS shall BE] 

DDL: You passed my test. Let's go on a date.

[they RIDE in his FANCY car and GO to DINNER]

DDL: My mother is dead. I find it comforting to think of her ghost watching me. Let me take off your lipstick. I like to see who I’m talking to.*

[they GAZE some more and I’m REMINDED that DDL doesn’t get enough RECOGNITION for being a damn SMOKESHOW ZADDY]

DDL: Now I shall give you the full Woodcock, meaning I will make a dress for you.

[they GO to his STUDIO and he DRAPES fabric and it’s MILDLY erotic until his SISTER weirdly SHOWS UP to TAKE notes]

DDL: You have no breasts.*

Alma: :(

DDL: Don’t worry, it’s my job to give them to you.*

Alma: :)

[she BECOMES his MUSE and LOVER and MOVES into his HOUSE where she MODELS his SUMPTUOUS dresses but also HELPS to MAKE them(?)]

Alma: Good morning! La la la!

[she BUTTERS her toast and POURS tea which is APPARENTLY UNBEARABLE]

DDL: Such noise! My day is ruined!

His Sister: He needs his reflection time in the morning! Only I know this, due to our bizarrely close relationship. 

Alma: I think he’s too fussy.*

[DDL has a FITTING with a RICH MATRON and she PASSES out DRUNK at a PARTY wearing his DRESS]

Alma: She doesn’t deserve your genius! I will pry it from her unconscious body.

DDL: You get me. I love you but also hate myself, as all geniuses do, and will take it out on you so just a head's up on that.

Alma: I want to prepare DDL a special dinner, just for the two of us. Can you leave the house so we can be alone?

His Sister: [STARES in CONFUSION]

[it is the FATEFUL dinner]

DDL: Where is everyone? What is going on? Why is this asparagus made with BUTTER when you know I prefer oil and salt? Why are you trying to destroy me?!

Alma: I just want to love you!

[instead of LEAVING his BITCHY ASS, she GETS the BRIGHT IDEA to LIGHTLY POISON him with some MUSHROOMS she PICKED earlier]

Alma: Here’s some normal, fungi-free tea.

[he COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY on a WEDDING dress he is MAKING for a LITERAL PRINCESS]

Alma: I will care for you!

DDL: Oh God, it’s coming out of both ends. The agony!

[he TOSSES ABOUT and HALLUCINATES his MOTHER because he is also SUFFERING from Mommy Issues Disease]

His Sister: I brought the doctor. Can he examine him?

DDL: Get the fuck out.*

Alma: You heard him. I am all that he needs!

[it is the NEXT morning]

DDL: My night of explosive diarrhea has made me realize how much I do in fact need you. Marry me!

Alma: I did it!

[they GET MARRIED and exactly ZERO things are FIXED cause that’s NOT how marriage WORKS]

DDL: You still butter your toast too loudly. And sometimes you bring me tea and want to go dancing. You've ruined my life!

Alma: Fuck this. I know how to make him love me again - thorough the power of poison. 

[she LEVELS up and puts a WHOLE mushroom in his OMELET]

DDL: Thanks for this omelet. It looks intriguing. 

[they STARE at each other for like, EVER and it is TENSE, and then he EATS it]

DDL: I knew about the diarrhea poison the whole time. Thanks for physically weakening me so I can finally accept your caretaking. I love you, Mommy.

Alma: I love you too. This is what love is. 

DDL: Now you’d better get out of here darling, before I’m sick.* 

[she CARESSES him as he SITS on the TOILET, but he’s not like, ACTUALLY using it in this ROMANTIC MOMENT, just to CLARIFY]

*actual line from movie

The Intern

So I think this movie’s heart was in the right place and there’s a very appealing sweetness to it. I just…I don’t know WHY this movie exists. What does it want from us? It’s like some dude in an undergrad discussion section that natters on and on about a subject that is potentially interesting, but then finishes talking without making a single point and the TA is silent for a few seconds and just like “…ok, thanks for that.” And the dude is attempting to think in a feminist way but he just can’t quiiiite get there. It’s nobody’s fault and everyone is trying their best. That’s actually a killer title for a Nancy Meyers movie. Someone call Diane! 

***

[it is a SANITIZED WORLD where EVERYONE is PLEASANT]

Robert De Niro [in V.O.]: I am an old man. But I’m spry! I retired a few years ago and then my wife died and I feel adrift, but not in a depressing way. I wonder what could give my life meaning again.
[there is a MONTAGE of him DOING TAI CHI and GOING to FUNERALS and CHILLING at Starbucks]
Robert De Niro: Why, it’s a job posting for a seniors internship program, which makes perfect sense, since high-performing tech start-ups in 2015 are always posting fliers on community bulletin boards. 
[he carefully SELECTS a TIE and is HIRED due to his CAN-DO spirit and EXPERIENCE as a phone book EXECUTIVE]
Andrew Rannells: Welcome to our fashion tech company in the world’s most artful Brooklyn loft. We’ve only been open for 18 months but somehow have the footprint and staff of a company that’s been operating for a decade! Don’t overthink it.
[De Niro MEETS his SCRUFFY intern COMPATRIOTS who are AWED by his SUITS and BRIEFCASE]
Andrew Rannells: I’ve assigned you to our founder and HBIC, Anne Hathaway. That’s her, on the quirky office bike!
[we SEE her being CAPABLE and RULING the OFFICE with KINDNESS and ATTENTION to DETAIL] 
Anne Hathaway: I’m so busy and stressed, and even though my outfits are on point and I appear to be endlessly patient, I don’t have time for this intern!
Robert De Niro: Reporting for duty, ma’am!
Anne Hathaway: I’m good, thanks. 

Robert De Niro: Okey dokey! 
[he READS the PAPER and DOLES out LOVE ADVICE to the NERDS and is GENERALLY AGREEABLE, as is his WONT]
Renee Russo: I’m the office masseuse and see that you’re a little tight in the hips, you silver fox.
[she RUBS him DOWN in a OVERLY FAMILIAR way and he POPS a BONE, which was a SURPRISE for us ALL]
The Scruffy Interns: Hooray!
[De Niro RESCUES Anne Hathaway from her DRUNKEN town car DRIVER and DRIVES her around, PROVIDING WISDOM like Kevin DID for Bethenny on RHONY]
Anne Hathaway: Thanks for dropping me off. Don’t you love my house? It looks like a picture book because this is a Nancy Meyers movie. 
[De Niro MEETS her ADORABLE CHILD and USELESS, neck-bearded HUSBAND]
Anne Hathaway: It's so hard being a working mom. I'm trying to #leanin but you all seem disappointed in me. 
Useless Neckbeard: I’m attempting to be supportive, but am really doing the “death by a thousand cuts” routine. Remember how I gave up my career so you could chase your dreams?
Anne Hathaway: I’m just so BUSY! They want me to hire a CEO for the company, but I think I can do it all myself!
[she and De Niro BOND over LATE-NIGHT work pizza and she CREATES a Facebook ACCOUNT for him and they GENERALLY bro out]
Anne Hathaway: I really appreciate your platonic friendship and the fact that you’re not Jack Nicholson, who would have insisted on a rewrite where I bang you. 
Robert De Niro: I’m just here to be your Manic Pixie Dream Grandpa! 
[they LOOK at EACH OTHER with MUTUAL FONDNESS and ADMIRATION]
Anne Hathaway: Oh no! I’ve accidentally sent an email to my mom calling her a fucking bitch, as one does.
Robert De Niro: The scruffers and I shall retrieve it!
[he and his INTERN BROS GO to her MOM’S house where HIJINKS ENSUE and DELETE the EMAIL]
Anne Hathaway: You’re my favorite employees ever! Let’s get drunk!
[De Niro TAKES her CHILD to SCHOOL and then SEES Ol’ Neckbeard TRYSTING in a CAR in FRONT of his OWN HOME like a GENIUS]
Robert De Niro: [SHAKES HEAD in DISAPPOINTMENT]
Anne Hathaway: I have something shocking to tell you, Robert De Niro - my husband is cheating on me. I think I have to hire a CEO to protect his oh-so-fragile masculinity.  

Robert De Niro: Don't sell yourself short, homie. 
[they go on a BUSINESS TRIP and WATCH Singin’ in the Rain in MATCHING hotel robes and CRY and she RELUCTANTLY hires a CEO]
Anne Hathaway: I've taken all the weep-baths and I still don't know if made the right choice. Bobby D will set me straight!
[Renee Russo ANSWERS his DOOR because there was a ROMANTIC SUBPLOT that was SO UNNECESSARY I didn’t even INCLUDE it]

Robert De Niro: Anne Hathaway, I think you can be your own CEO based on this one time I watched you show warehouse workers how to fold tissue paper. You care so much!

Anne Hathaway: But my MARRIAGE!
[her LOW-STATUS husband SHOWS UP at the OFFICE]
Useless Neckbeard: I cheated on you and it was so wrong but I support your dreams. Please keep bringing in that sweet fashion tech money.
Anne Hathaway: OK, I’m going to fire that CEO and be a badass #girlboss. But where is Robert De Niro, who I now realize is my best friend?
[his DESK is EMPTY and for a SECOND I thought that he had PULLED a FULL Mary Poppins and BLOWN AWAY with the WIND to HELP another rich WHITE woman REALIZE her POTENTIAL]
Anne Hathaway: Oh wait, he’s just here in the park, doing tai chi.
[they do TAI CHI together FOREVERMORE]

Legends of the Fall

This is my family's favorite movie. My dad would always insist on playing the soundtrack on long car rides, making our trips through rural Illinois to visit my grandparents seem majestic and deeply emotional. I was never really a fan (Brad Pitt eats a heart at one point, which is a big no thanks) but I did enjoy this rewatch.

**

[it is MONTANA, in the PAST]
One Stab [in VO]: Hello. I am here to tell you the tale of three brothers. And I thiiiiiink I’m a pretty respectful portrayal of a Native person?
[we HEAR the BACKSTORY of the Ludlow family in which Anthony Hopkins STOPS being an Army Colonel because he HATES the TRAIL OF TEARS and BUILDS a MANSION in the MIDDLE of NOWHERE and has THREE SONS and his WIFE is like “Smell ya later, I’m going back to civilization,” and Strapping Baby Brad Pitt MAIMS a GRIZZLY on an ADVENTURE so you KNOW he’s the COOL one]
One Stab [in VO]: The boys were BFFs and nothing could ever, ever, EVER tear them apart.
[it is LATER]
Elliott from E.T.: Hello, family! I am home from Harvard, and I have brought along my beautiful fiancé, Hubris. I mean “Susannah.”
[Aidan Quinn STARES at her like a SEX MURDERER]
Julia Ormond: What a beautiful landscape! I know I’ll be happy here with my boyish husb- wuh wuh wuh WUHHH?
[Brad Pitt APPEARS across the VISTA on a HORSE, with FLOWING FLAXEN LOCKS and ROUGHSHOD CHARM in TOW]
Julia Ormond: Holy SHIT.
[she LEARNS the WAY of the LAND cause she’s NOT like the OTHER GIRLS]
Anthony Hopkins: [CHOMPING on a GIANT CIGAR] What a treat to have a woman in the house again. Surely this will have no tragic consequences!
[Julia Ormond longingly WATCHES Brad Pitt TAME a WILD and SYMBOLIC horse]
Elliott from E.T.: I have enlisted in the army, due to my idealism.
Anthony Hopkins: You’re a damned fool! You’re the wimpiest one!
Julia Ormond: Please go protect him, Brad Pitt.
[she WEEPS and he HOLDS her in his MUSCULAR grip and they ALMOST KISS]
Aidan Quinn: [LURKING in the SHADOWS] Whaaaa?!
[it is WAR]
Elliott from E.T. [via letter]: It’s very gross here and I keep peeing my pants with fear. Maybe this was a bad idea.
[there are VIOLENT MONTAGES of his BROTHERS not LETTING him do ANYTHING on the field of BATTLE, some of which I FAST-FORWARDED]
Aidan Quinn: Our brother has joined a suicide mission to prove his bravery! You’re supposed to be supervising!
[Elliott DIES, obviously, and Brad Pitt is EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED and maybe EATS his HEART? and EVENTUALLY the BROTHERS return HOME to BEGIN their RIFT]
Aidan Quinn: This is kind of awkward, seeing as you’re basically my brother’s widow, but I love you. Please marry me.
Julia Ormond: :/
[she BONES Brad Pitt INSTEAD and they SPEND a LOT OF TIME brushing their LUSCIOUS LOCKS out of each other’s FACES]
Aidan Quinn: You’ll never make her happy. But you also have to marry her.
Brad Pitt: I will do both of those things.
[he DOES NOT]
Aidan Quinn: I'll show you all! I’m going to Helena to become a capitalist!
[MEANWHILE, Brad Pitt and Julia Ormond HERD cattle and BATHE in RIVERS and have NO FUN EVER, and he is CATATONIC]
Emo Brad Pitt: Since I almost accidentally murdered you because of my PTSD, I’m leaving now. To where I know not.
Julia Ormond: I’ll wait for you forever.*
[he PEACES OUT and the MUSIC is SO LOUD]
One Stab [in VO]: He had to find his destiny, like the rocks that meet the river and the sun shining in the sky and the mountains reaching to the heavens, and the bears feasting on children in the woods.
[Julia Ormond WRITES Brad Pitt LETTERS in her MIND and we see MONTAGES of him being DASHED ABOUT on SHIPS and MURDERING exotic ANIMALS for TUSKS]
Emo Brad Pitt [via LETTER]: I am dead, emotionally. Marry someone else.
Julia Ormond: WEEP.
Aidan Quinn: You always loved him more, Daddy! He stole my girlfriend and he killed our brother.
[Anthony Hopkins ROARS in ANGUISH and has an TRAUMA STROKE and it is SAD]
One Stab [in VO and I just REALIZED that he NEVER actually TALKS]: I heard a stirring in the winds and a beating in the heart of the land and other mystical stuff.
[Brad Pitt CRESTS a HILL yet again with a MILLION HORSES because this ASSHOLE always has to MAKE an ENTRANCE]
Brad Pitt: I’m ho-o-o-me! I shall never explain how I overcame my man pain. Here are some tusks. Look at my hair!
[it is BEAUTIFUL]
The Ranch Hand: Julia Ormond moved to Helena to marry your brother, who finally wore her down. He’s a congressman!
Isabel Two: Welcome home, Brad Pitt. It’s me, the hot daughter of the ranch hand who loved you as a young girl and who wasn’t brought up earlier in this recap because this movie is so long.
Brad Pitt: SCHWING.
[they FALL in LOVE via MONTAGE and get MARRIED and have BEAUTIFUL children]
Ranch Hand: You don’t really have any work skills so maybe become a bootlegger?
[he DOES and doesn’t PLAY by the RULES and the “corporate” BOOTLEGGERS are PISSED, but I wasn’t REALLY paying ATTENTION at this part]
Brad Pitt: Hello, Aidan Quinn and Julia Ormond. Nice to see you at this county fair as I frolic with my perfect family.
[she has ZERO CHILL and it’s like GIRL, get AHOLD of yourself]
Brad Pitt: Tra la, back to the ranch, family!
[they are FOLLOWED by the COPS who are in the POCKETS of the EVIL BOOTLEGGERS(?) and there is a STANDOFF and Isabel Two is KILLED by a ROGUE BULLET and it is HORRIBLE]
Brad Pitt: NOT AGAAAAAAAIN!
[he BEATS everyone UP and GOES to JAIL for a WHILE]
Brad Pitt: I know what I must do.
[there is a STRESSFUL MONTAGE where he and his RANCH BROS go on a MIDNIGHT REVENGE RAID interposed with Julia Ormond WEEPING at HERSELF in the MIRROR and CUTTING OFF her HAIR]
Brad Pitt: [SCALPS the shooter GUY, like I get that you’re MAD but HOLY SHIT, dude]
Julia Ormond: [SHOOTS herself]
Aidan Quinn: I played by all the rules and you played by none of them, and they all loved you more.*
The Evil Bootlegger: We’re here to kill you, Brad Pitt.
Anthony Hopkins: [unintelligible BEAR ROAR]
[the OLD BOY still has some GRIT in him, and SHOOTS most of THEM and then Aidan Quinn SHOOTS the main one UNEXPECTEDLY from BEHIND the HOUSE because the Ludlows will ALWAYS be BROTHERS even when they all BANG the same GIRL]
Aidan Quinn: Let’s have a reconciliation in front of these three corpses. Now let’s go bury them in the woods…as a family.
[they DO that GUY thing where they HUG AGGRESSIVELY and CRY-LAUGH and MEANWHILE the BODIES are just LYING there]
One Stab [VO]: Yes indeed, the body count was high for everyone that loved Brad Pitt. He was the rock they broke themselves against.*
[it is the FUTURE and OLD MAN Brad Pitt is MAULED to DEATH in SLOW MOTION by a GRIZZLY that is MAYBE the SAME one from the BEGINNING of the MOVIE but I’m not an EXPERT on the LIFESPAN of GRIZZLIES]
One Stab [VO]: It was a good death.*
My Family: [LEAPS to their FEET APPLAUDING]

*actual line from movie

A Few Good Men

 

Ah, Sorkin. Remember the early 90's, when your ego hadn't swallowed you whole and you could write non-grandiose dialogue and a female character that wasn't a TOTAL idiot, just kind of an idiot? Take us back.

***

[it is Washington, D.C.]

Demi Moore: Two soldiers murdered one of their coworkers in Guantanamo but I don’t think it’s their fault. As a capable, confident female naval officer-attorney excelling in a traditionally male space, I respectfully ask to take on their case.
The Men in Charge: Lol. Get out.
[we FLASHBACK to GUANTANAMO in the RECENT PAST]
That Guy in Every Sorkin Movie: This young solider wants a transfer and keeps breaking the chain of command because we ignore him.
Kiefer Sutherland: He’s a pu**y and I hate him!
Jack Nicholson: Calm down, boys. Let’s keep him here and whip him into shape.
[he WIGGLE-WAGGLES his GROSS EYEBROWS]
[back in present-day D.C., at a SOFTBALL PRACTICE where Tom Cruise at MAXIMUM CHARM beans GROUNDERS]
Demi Moore: So, I hear you’ve been assigned as lead counsel on this case. I know all about you. Harvard grad, son of a famous litigator, two years in the Navy, loves to plea bargain, possibly wearing lifts…
Tom Cruise: Thanks for providing all that exposition, sweetcheeks. Now scram, I have a scrimmage to win!
Demi Moore: Well as your superior officer, I'm joining this defense team!
Tom Cruise: Sure, whatever, I’m just gonna plea bargain cause I love to plea bargain as much as I love to make witty rejoinders. Also, these guys are murderers.
Demi Moore: Have you ever heard of a Code Red? Yeah, I didn’t think so.* 
Tom Cruise: I am mildly intrigued, but there is softball to be played and Yoo-Hoo to be consumed and work is boring! Let’s go to Guantanamo to check some boxes.
Kevin Pollack: Better wear the whites.*
Tom Cruise: I hate the whites.*
[they all GO to GUANTANAMO where Noah Wylie is their JEEP DRIVER]
Jack Nicholson: Welcome, chums. Nice whites. I’m here to be both ingratiatingly helpful and mildly sinister.
[they GO to a LUNCH filled with MALE GLADHANDING]
Demi Moore: I have some actual questions about what went down here. 
Tom Cruise: Hey, shut up. 
Jack Nicholson: Let her speak, but first let me tell you boys about how nice it is when powerful women blow you.
[he STARES Demi DOWN with his PERVERT BROWS but she is UNRUFFLED]
Tom Cruise: Yikes. I mean...yeah, women, amirite? Oh, before we go I’d like the dead guy's files, if that’s cool. 
Jack Nicholson: You have to ask me nicely.*
Tom Cruise: That was weird. And this file is also weird. I feel like something is missing…but I still just want to plea bargain, cause there are pickup basketball games to attend! 
[they MEET with their CLIENTS who are very MILITARISTIC and OPAQUE but EVENTUALLY say that they were ORDERED to do a Code Red which means you BEAT the SHIT out of your BROTHER-IN-ARMS to MAKE him HAPPIER and more PRODUCTIVE]

Kevin Bacon: I’m the prosecutor on this case and since you’re my b-ball bro, I’ll do you a solid and plead them down to two years if you don’t mention this “Code Red” nonsense.
Tom Cruise: Great! Let’s wrap this up, soldiers.
The Alpha Soldier: No. We did nothing wrong. We were ordered, and you follow orders. 
Demi Moore: To trial it is!
Tom Cruise: Aw MAN, now I have to work! Good thing I’m the most brilliant litigator to never try a case.
[he and Demi and Kevin Pollack PREPARE for the CASE in MONTAGE FORM and we SEE Cruise’s GENIUS BLOSSOM]
Tom Cruise: I will put on this uniform and be very handsome cause let’s be honest, I really am. Time to trial!
[he MAKES a VERY SORKIN-Y opening statement to DEMONSTRATE his COCKSURE COURTROOM STYLE]
Kevin Bacon: I call to the stand many “hey, it’s that guy!” witnesses, including Cuba Gooding Jr. and Christopher Guest.
[Tom Cruise is BRILLIANT all the TIME in his REBUTTALS]
Demi Moore: It’s going GREAT. 
[the BETA defendant TAKES the STAND and RUINS EVERYTHING]
Tom Cruise: Goddammit Demi Moore, why didn’t you prep him better? You're supposed to be the Hermione of this operation!
Demi Moore: Well Kevin Pollack is actually the one who is supposed to pr-
Tom Cruise: NO, YOUR FAULT.
Demi Moore: Want to go on a date?
[they DO and have the LEAST amount of CHEMISTRY ever RECORDED on FILM and it is NEVER SPOKEN of AGAIN]
Demi Moore: I still believe in our extremely unwinnable case with no witnesses or proof of anything.

[they LOSE a KEY WITNESS and Tom Cruise GETS DRUNK and FLAILS around in a MANNER that SUGGESTS he has NEVER actually been DRUNK in his LIFE]
Demi Moore: Call Jack Nicholson to the stand. He says that he was going to transfer the murder victim but we both know that’s not true. 
Tom Cruise: No, we will literally go to prison if we so much as suggest he did anything untoward because apparently he is King of Navy. YA DUMB.
Kevin Pollack: Your father was the greatest lawyer in history but I would still have you defend me over him because you are just that amazing at lawyering. 
Tom Cruise: You have found my weak spot because I am Tom Cruise in a Tom Cruise movie and a Tom Cruise movie just ain't a Tom Cruise movie unless I, Tom Cruise, has some kind of issue with my father, Tom Cruise Sr. Bring me my thinking bat!
[his MAGIC BAT gives him the KEY to the CASE]
Tom Cruise: I call Jack Nicholson to the stand!
Jack Nicholson: Here I am, to intimidate the shit out of you and calmly answer all of your “gotcha” questions about suitcase-packing. Adequately rattled? Are we done here? 
Tom Cruise: I didn’t dismiss you yet. Sit down. 
Jack Nicholson: Oh HELL no. Time to bring out the big Nicholson guns. You want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall.*
[he Nicholsons SO HARD]
Tom Cruise: Well look out, old timer, cause I’m gonna Cruise the hell out of you. I want the TRUTH!*
[he Cruises his FACE OFF]
Jack Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH,* whatever that means! It was I that ordered the Code Red!

Tom Cruise: I….didn’t think that would happen.

[EVERYONE is BLOWN AWAY]
Kevin Bacon: Uh...I think we have to arrest you now, Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: Wait, what?
Jury Foreman: The defendants are not guilty.
Judge: But they are dishonorably discharged. 
The Beta Soldier: What does that mean? We didn’t do anything wrong!
The Alpha Soldier: It was our duty to protect that dead wimp. We deserve this.
Tom Cruise: You don't need a badge on your arm to have honor.*
[they SALUTE each other RESPECTFULLY and I CRIED a LITTLE?]
[the movie ENDS ABRUPTLY and we have NO IDEA what happens to ANY of these PEOPLE and I have some FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS]

*actual line from movie

Annnnnd we're sort-of-back-post: Breakfast at Tiffany's

Remember when I was all "I will save the blog-child and she will thrive"? Like, a year ago? Whoops, sorry about that. Here's something for y'all - a movie from 1967 that we're all sick to death of! Happy holidays?

***

[it is the SWINGING 60’s]
Audrey Hepburn: Croissants and diamonds really go together well. Nom nom.
[she GOES home to her SWEET brownstone and is ASSAULTED by a NERD]
Nerd: Where’d you go, baby? I gave you money for the powder room! You owe meeeee.
[she BUZZES her NEIGHBOR’S buzzer and things get pretty RACIST]
Mickey Rooney: I am Japanese! Miss GoRiiiiiiiiiiigtry!!!
Audrey Hepburn: Hello DARLING! Don’t be cross with me!
[he FORGIVES her, as EVERYONE does]
George Peppard: Hi, I’m new here. Sorry I buzzed you, but I didn’t pick out this apartment for a mysterious reason. Where’s your furniture?
Audrey Hepburn: I’m naked! And sleeping in the middle of the day. Hello, cat! The phone’s in the suitcase! Oh no, I have to go to Sing Sing!
[she RUNS around QUIRKILY]
George Peppard: I am intrigued by this woman- child.
Audrey Hepburn: My DARLING friend Sally has to give me the weather report. It’s innocent! Bye!
[she RUNS off in a GIVENCHY GOWN]
Patricia Neal: Paaaaaul daaaaarling. Do you loooove the house? I couldn’t resiiiiiist.
[she is OLD and LEAVES money on his DRESSER, after they DO IT]
Audrey Hepburn: Hi. I saw your lady john leave money on your dresser. Can I come and lay in bed with you, since we are both subtly whores? I will call you Fred now.
George Peppard: Uh, ok.
Audrey Hepburn: You’re a writer. Why aren’t you writing more? I can’t imagine what could possibly inspire you here.
George Peppard: Keeping my hair perfectly shellacked takes a lot of time. But maybe something around here could be inspirational…
Audrey Hepburn: Darling! Come to my sexy party!
[there is a PERFECT party SCENE involving CAFTANS and GAYS and EYE PATCHES and CRYING into MIRRORS, while Hepburn DUMPS booze on people UNWITTINGLY]
The Guy Who Gets Face-Slashed in Psycho: Ah, that tomato really is something. A real genuine phony.
[the PARTY ends with COPS and Mickey Rooney RACISM, as ALL good PARTIES do]
Audrey Hepburn: [sits on FIRE ESCAPE and sings "Moon River" to SHOW how PERFECT and WOUNDED she is]
George Peppard: Gaaaaaaaze. Oh, my lady john is here.
Patricia Neal: Daaaaarling…there is a strange maaaaan outside your apartment building. I think my husband hired goons to waaaaatch you.
George Peppard: I’ll put a stop to this!
[he GOES to MENACE the MAN though he could not be LESS menacing]
Man in Stetson: Hi there, son. I’m here for my wife, Lulu Mae. Let me tell you the backstory, while I eat this Cracker Jack.
[he tells a LONG and BORING story about how Hepburn was a HICK who MARRIED an OLD DUDE when she was like NINE, but RAN AWAY to be a CITY floozy]
Man in Stetson: Also, I’ve been takin’ care of her dumdum brother, and I can’t do that no more. He’ll have to go into the army.
George Peppard: Though I have known Holly for roughly five minutes, I am somehow personally betrayed by this story. I will bring you to her!
Audrey Hepburn: I just CAN’T go back with you, darling! Here’s some money for my beloved dimwit brother. Take care of him.
[they put Stetson on a BUS to the STRAINS of "Moon River"]
Audrey Hepburn: I feel guilt and want to get drunk. Let’s go watch some 60s-bodied strippers.
[they DO and she acts like a JERK]
Audrey Hepburn: Sorry I was a jerk last night. It’s just my jam. Let’s spend the day doing new things! Isn’t it great how we are both whores and don’t have to worry about day jobs?
[they STEAL from a five-and-ten, go to the LIBRARY and harass Mr. Banks at TIFFANYS where they get a CRACKER JACK ring ENGRAVED]
George Peppard: Everything is amazing. Now I will kiss her into a camera smeared with Vaseline. And break up with my lady john.
Patricia Neal: Oh, so it’s like thaaaaat, huh?
[she BURNS him in an ELEGANT way and you SUDDENLY wish the WHOLE movie was about HER]
George Peppard: I love you, Holly!
Audrey Hepburn: Oh darling, don’t be silly, I couldn’t possibly be with you. I have to marry for money!
[she GETS herself ENGAGED to a HOT, RICH Brazilian dude]
George Peppard: Nerd rage!
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME later…]
Audrey Hepburn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Hot Brazilian Dude: Please to help, man resembling Ken doll! The weird woman-child is loco!
[he FINDS her DESTROYING her APARTMENT because her BROTHER is DEAD and it is SAD, but also, maybe Audrey Hepburn isn’t SUPER great at ACTING?]
George Peppard: I’m sorry about your brother. Let’s hang out one more time before you go to Brazil.
[they have a PLEASANT time, but then she gets ARRESTED for the MOB thing that happened like, HOURS ago]
George Peppard: I bailed you out of jail because I am a classic “nice guy” who thinks he’s being a great friend but is really just trying to blackmail you into loving him. Anyway, your filthy foreign fiancé is dumping you because you are scandalous.
Audrey Hepburn: Whatever. I’ll go to Brazil anyway and have an adventure.
George Peppard: No! You have to stay here, because you belong to me, because I am a creep!
Audrey Hepburn: No! I am free, just like the nameless cat!
[she LETS the CAT out of the CAB and then INSTANTLY runs after it]
Audrey Hepburn: This rain-soaked cat has made me realize that I love you.
[they MAKE out and I hope that he SELLS a STORY or SOMETHING, because they are STILL both WHORES]

 

Guest Post: Reality Bites

Oh hey guys! This blog still exists! Frequent guest poster and keeper-of-the-flame Laura McClain wrote something so we don't look like total slackers! Thank god. She notes, however:

I should add the disclaimer that I loved this movie in college, and I still kind of like it now, even though it is the predecessor to "Rent", by which I mean one cannot watch it as an adult without having minor rage-strokes. You know you're an adult when you scream "get a fucking job, you hippies!" about 30 times in the viewing of one movie. I weep for my youth.

Anna again. I just noticed that this poster is so 90s. "buzz words." "channel surfing." Amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the EARLY 90s like WHOA]

Winona Ryder: Fellow graduates! How can we repair the damage that's been done to us by commercial culture? Heed my hipster call to action!

[the CORE group of friends PARTY on a ROOF, documentary-style. A CLOVERFIELD MONSTER does not ATTACK them]

Steve Zahn: Graduation, woo!

Janeane Garafolo: Conjunction junction what's your function?

[she SLEEPS with SOME dude in her 70s-THEMED bedroom and ADDS him to her EFF LIST]

Ethan Hawke: I'm coming to crash on your couch without asking and with no intention of ever paying rent, ever.

Winona Ryder: He will turn this house into a den of slack.*

Ethan Hawke: HOW DARE YOU. I am ABOVE getting a fucking JOB and you should know that!

[he FONDLES his GREASY hair and SMOKES some WEED]

Janeane Garafolo: I'm a manager at the GAP now! Look at me sell these easy-fits! It's liberating, isn't it?*

[she and Winona DRIVE and SING and CAUSE a CAR ACCIDENT with YUPPIE Ben Stiller]

Winona Ryder: Don't sue me, please! I'm poor and have an adorable haircut!

Ben Stiller: I am taken with your youthful idealism.

[he TAKES her on a DATE and Ethan Hawke MOCKS him though he has NO LEG to STAND on, EVER]

Winona Ryder: Hey boss, can I feature my sensitive hipster documentary on your chipper morning show aimed at the elderly? Now THAT'S understanding your target audience!

John Mahoney: Just give me my fucking cup of coffee.

[she TRICKS him into SAYING he likes VERY YOUNG GIRLS on-air and is FIRED]

Winona Ryder: No biggie! I was valedictorian, I can get another job! We're not even in a recession (yet).

[she TRIES and FAILS]

Swoozie Kurtz: Honey, just get a job at the Burger-Matic!

Winona Ryder: Noooooooo! Unexpected David Spade cameo!

[there are NUMEROUS references to SELLING OUT though NOBODY seems to KNOW what that MEANS]

Janeane Garafolo: Can you maybe pay some rent? And stop calling psychics on 800 numbers? (90s!)

Winona Ryder: FINE. I'll just use the gas card my dad is paying for to get some cash. Integrity?

Janeane Garafolo: I'm scared that I have AIDS and my funeral will be like a scene out of "Melrose Place."

Winona Ryder: "Melrose Place" is a REALLY good show.*

[they LAUGH because of FRIENDSHIP]

Ben Stiller: I sold your documentary to my aggressively hip MTV-style TV channel!

Winona Ryder: Hooray!

Ethan Hawke: NOOOOOO! SELLOUTS!!!!

Steve Zahn: Time to come out to my parents. I am still in this movie.

[he and Janeane REHEARSE his COMING OUT and it RULES]

Steve Zahn: Got kicked out of my house. Not super fun in real life.

Ben Stiller: Time for the documentary premiere!

Winona: I bought a new babydoll dress!

Ethan Hawke: You look like a doily.*

Winona Ryder: I should really hate you so, so much, but I don't?

[they GO to SEE the MOVIE and its INTEGRITY has been DESTROYED by a PIZZA GRAPHIC]

Winona Ryder: MY IDEALISM!!!

Ethan Hawke: Time to swoop in for the kill. I love you. [he GIVES PUPPY DOG EYES]

[they DO IT and his HAIR is SO GREASY, I can't EVEN HANDLE it, YOU GUYS]

Winona Ryder: That was so great. Everything is perfect now!

Ethan Hawke: [HIPSTER FREAKOUT]

Ben Stiller: I'm so sorry that I didn't protect the integrity of your stupid movie. Let's go to New York and fix this. I literally could not be a better boyfriend.

Ethan Hawke: Hey, bitch. Sorry I bailed this morning, but not really. I'm probably going to be mean to you, always. And possibly set your house on fire. Peace out.

[he DEDICATES a RUDE and OBSCENE song to HER, because he is PREDICTABLY in a TERRIBLE BAND]

Winona Ryder: WHOM SHALL I CHOOSE???

[she PINES in MONTAGE FORM and MISTAKES several GREASE MONKEYS for Ethan, whilst SMOKING all the CIGARETTES]

Winona Ryder: I must go to him!

Ethan Hawke: Hey, I'm back. My dad died. I guess this is supposed to excuse my behavior? Maybe? I love you, I guess. Whatever.

[he CRIES and it is DISGUSTING]

Winona Ryder: I have totally made the right decision.

[they MOVE OUT of the APARTMENT, presumably because they can no longer AFFORD it]

Me: [Throws LAPTOP across ROOM]

The Green Hornet

[it is 1990]
Tom Wilkinson: Well, well, well, son. Looks like we're going to need some clunky exposition. I'll handle that. You're in trouble at school again. I know you're having a tough time with your mother's death, but I need to run this newspaper! Also, your name is Britt. Sorry about that.
Li'l Rogen: I hate you!!!!! I am going to rebel SO HARD later!!!
[it is LATER]
James Franco: Hey. I'm in this movie, doing a favor for my best bud, the Rog-man. And somehow everything I do is hilarious. And I'm taking over all the crime in this town. My name is even better: James Clear, and I sell crystal meth, so they call me "Crystal Clear." PRETTY GOOD. Sorry, Nazi dude. You're just not scary enough.
Christoph Waltz: Not scary enough? NOT SCARY ENOUGH???
[he SHOOTS Franco's henchmen with a DOUBLE-BARRELLED PISTOL and then fucking BLOWS the whole CLUB up]
Christoph Waltz: That's right, I'm fucking scary.
[meanwhile, in a HOTEL]
Seth Rogen: Woooooooooooooooooooo!! I'm rich and I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!
[he MAKES OUT with a HOT GIRL in every one of his DAD'S CARS in FAST MOTION like it is a MUSIC VIDEO]
Michel Gondry: Oui, I directed this.
Tom Wilkinson: I'm trying to clean up this city with my news reporting and you aren't doing anything to help! I'm going to take a walk in the garden to clear my head.
Seth Rogen: FINE, DAD, I HATE YOUUUU. I'm just going to drink this delicious, delicious coffee with a leaf drawn on the top.
News Report: Newspaper magnate Your Dad just died of a bee sting.
Seth Rogen: Nooooooooo! But I hated him!! But he was my dad! Conflict!!
[his coffee comes with NO LEAF and is GROSS]
Seth Rogen: Where's my fucking coffeeeeeee!
Maid: You fired everyone who worked for your father, though I'm not exactly sure why you would do that. Anyway, Kato, your dad's mechanic, used to make your coffee.
Kato: Yup. Check it.
[he shows him the COFFEE MACHINE and makes him a BETTER CUP]
Kato: Also I gave this one car polycarbonate windows, so you can't smash them.
Seth Rogen: Oh man! You are so cool! Let's get drunk in the garage and be buds!!
[they DO, and listen to RECORDS on the RECORD PLAYER in the CAR, because that is a THING]
Seth Rogen: I like you because you also hated my dad! Let's go cut the head off his statue!
[they DO, but also STOP some THUGS from a ROBBERY with PUNCHING and stylized FIGHTING]
Michel Gondry: Oui, zis is my movie.
Kato: Is that why everything looks weird and cool?
Michel Gondry: Oui.
Seth Rogen: I know! We can fight crime all the time! It would be so badass!
Kato: Um, I don't know.
Seth Rogen: Come on, dude! Live up to your potential! What do you want the name of your autobiography to be? Balls Deep in Shitkicking Dudes, by Kato? I would read that, and I don't read shit, but when they made the movie of it, I would see the shit out of it.*
Kato: Okay. As long as we can listen to "Gangsta's Paradise" on vinyl while we drive.
Seth Rogen: Absolutely.
[they become HEROES? but actually just drive their CAR into METH LABS and give people a BUSINESS CARD with their EMAIL ADDRESS on it]
Christoph Waltz: Who is this guy?
Seth Rogen: Ooh, and I can use my newly-inherited media empire to spread the gospel about this new criminal. We'll call him...THE GREEN BEE.
Staff: Um...that sucks.
Kato: How about THE GREEN HORNET.
Staff: Better.
[the NEWSPAPER is all about the GREEN HORNET because Seth Rogen RUNS it]
Christoph Waltz: The green hornet is ruining my crime empire!!!
Cameron Diaz: Oh, hey, I'm your temporary secretary. And I have a minor in criminology, so I should be really helpful on this Green Hornet thing.
Seth Rogen: Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn, you too FINE to be temporary! HIRED!
[she uses her MINOR in CRIMINOLOGY to PREDICT what the HORNET will do]
Seth Rogen: We got an email!! We got an email from the bad guy in our Hotmail account!!
[they LITERALLY SHOW the WINDOWS LIVE sign-in page]
Seth Rogen: Oh, now we have to go meet the big bad guy in a vacant lot. This should go well.
Kato: I don't know if we ---
Seth Rogen: I AM IN CHARGE, KATO.
[he BURIES them in a HOLE in their CAR but then they BLAST the car OUT and it is KIND OF COOL but they kill a HENCHMAN]
Christoph Waltz: You killed Chili, my favorite henchman! YOU WILL PAY.
Kato: Can I show off my fighting skills some more?
Michel Gondry: Oui.
[he DOES and it is COOL]
Seth Rogen: You think you're SO AWESOME with your karate skills and your car-building skills and shit. I was the one who suggested ejector seats!! And you went on a date with my secretary!
Kato: Oh, it was more than a date.
[they FIGHT over a WOMAN who is too hot for EITHER of them]
Kato: FINE. I'm OUT.
[meanwhile, in a WAREHOUSE]
Christoph Waltz: I have decided that my new name, instead of Chudnofsky, is now BLOODnofsky, and I will wear only red and have a catchphrase!! I'm not sure why!! Also I wear a gas mask!
DA Scanlon: Oh hey, Britt - I was hoping you could meet me at Compachi Hibachi on La Cienaga at 8:30 tonight to discuss me buying you off to make me look better in your paper. I mean...for dinner.
Email from Bad Guy: Hello, Green Hornet. I would like to hire you to kill Britt Reid. AT THE COMPACHI HIBACHI ON LA CIENAGA.
Kato: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
[they ALL go to Compachi Hibachi on La Cienaga]
DA Scanlon: I would like to pay you to print only good stories. I tried to get your dad to do the same, but he wouldn't, so I killed him.
Seth Rogen: Oh really? Because I just recorded you saying that, motherfucker!! It's all on this flash drive that looks like sushi!!
DA Scanlon: Oh REALLY? Because the Green Hornet is going to kill you!!
Kato: NOPE. Oh, and I forgive you.
Seth Rogen: Thanks. Let's kick ass. I have a gas gun.
Christoph Waltz: I'm ungassable!!*
[they have a SHOOT-OUT and literally the most LUDICROUS CAR CHASE in the ENTIRE WORLD that involves the NEWSPAPER PRINTING AREA and a GLASS ELEVATOR and only the FRONT HALF of the car driving around in a BUILDING]
Michel Gondry: Oui. Zis car chase is fantastique.
Seth Rogen: Now to upload the mp3 of DA Scanlon's confession onto the Internet, with my "Internet Upload" button!!
[there is NO DATA on the SUSHI DRIVE]
Seth Rogen: Well, I guess we have to kill him now??
[they DO, in the most INSANE manner POSSIBLE that involves the EJECTOR SEATS]
Seth Rogen: Yayyyyy! Now I will give the EIC job to the dude who deserves it, which isn't me.
[they RE-SOLDER the HEAD onto the STATUE of his DAD because he has CLOSURE?]

How Do You Know

Yes, I have loved Paul Rudd for about 15 years now. Yes, Reese Witherspoon is charming and likable and I actually liked Legally Blonde. Yes, Owen Wilson has his moments. And yes, he's Jack Nicholson.

However: this movie is so, so, so much less than the sum of its parts. But my best friend is leaving for Kenya today, and she wanted to see it, and I wasn't opposed (well, I kind of was, but Paul Rudd) so we went to the luxury cinema where you get free popcorn. Big ups to iPic at Bayshore Mall!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reese Witherspoon: I love softball! I love it more than anything and I am really good at it! But I’m not good…AT LOVE.

Paul Rudd: Hey – I got your phone number from your friend? Because you are bad at dating, maybe? But I just wanted to let you know that I have a girlfriend.

Reese Witherspoon: Uh…okay? I’m going to go out on a date with and possibly have a relationship with Owen Wilson, famously roguish pitcher.

Owen Wilson: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[they DATE but don’t actually seem to LIKE each other that much]

Cousin Larry: Oh, hey, Paul Rudd…you are being investigated by the federal government for lying about business.

Paul Rudd: What!?!?! What the FUCK kind of subplot is this?!

Jack Nicholson: I’m your father slash boss, and this is terrible. I am in this movie for some reason.

[there is a LONG-ASS SCENE about INDICTMENTS and LAW and it is LITERALLY a lesson in how NOT to write a MOVIE SCENE]

Kathryn Hahn: I am also in this movie! And I want to punch Jack Nicholson, and I almost did just now, because assistants routinely take swings at CEOs.

Paul Rudd: It’s ok. You’re pregnant. That might come up later.

Paul Rudd’s Girlfriend: So…I think we should break up, because I don’t want to be involved with you because of your federal investigation. Byeeeeeee.

Paul Rudd: What to do? I guess I will get drunk and sing a Teddy Pendergrass song about hot oils.

[he DOES, and it is ALMOST cute enough to make the rest of the movie WORTH IT, but not actually]

Paul Rudd: Hi, let’s go on a date now.

Reese Witherspoon: Uh, okay? I thought you had a girlfriend? I am just continually sort of confused in this movie?

[she gets CUT from the SOFTBALL TEAM, which is her LIFE]

Reese Witherspoon: I will stare at my mirror full of inspirational sayings and I will GET PAST THIS. Because I am STRONG. YES. Then I will go on this date.

[they DO, and do not TALK, but GAZE a lot, and Rudd is INTO IT, but Reese is NOT]

Owen Wilson: I think we should move in together, though up to this point everyone probably thought we were just fuckbuddies? Because I am a cad.

Reese Witherspoon: Okay! But I will just bring like 4 suitcases and not actually move out of my apartment, I think.

[he cleans out a SOCK DRAWER for her which proves he is NOT READY for cohabitation]

Reese Witherspoon: Let’s make this work, though clearly it is not working slash will never work!

Paul Rudd: Hey! I’m still being investigated by the feds. And I might love Reese Witherspoon? After one date? Because that is a thing that happens.

[he RUNS INTO HER in the ELEVATOR in the BUILDING that both his DAD and her BOYFRIEND live because COINCIDENCES]

Paul Rudd: OH MY GOD, HI.

Reese Witherspoon: Oh, hey. Am I still in a movie? I feel like I just wandered on set and was given lines to say. Want to come in?

[he DOES, and Owen Wilson gets JEALOUS, and Reese MOVES OUT]

Reese Witherspoon: Let me hang out at your place, platonically.

Paul Rudd: YES OKAY PLEASE.

[they get DRUNK and he GAZES at her a lot, which is a sign of LOVING]

Paul Rudd: I touched your leg.*

Me: [genuine laughter]

Reese Witherspoon: Oh, I am going back to my boyfriend now, sorry!

Paul Rudd: Of all the thoughts I had about you over the past few days, and there were millions, the one that never occurred to me was that my mind would be exaggerating about you. And it wasn’t.*

Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!

Jack Nicholson: Federal investigation! Still happening! I could go to jail. Or you could go to jail for me! Please decide.

Paul Rudd: GIVE ME A SECOND.

Owen Wilson: Come back to me, baby.

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. But: are we monogamous? Because we haven’t had that conversation, apparently, though we are living together.

Owen Wilson: Sure, baby, yeah…we are now! Bye!!! I’m going on the road! I will probably not cheat on you!

Reese Witherspoon: I’m moving out again!

Paul Rudd: With all these hijinks, you would think this movie would be more hilarious, but it really isn’t. Sorry. At least I’m dreamy.

Reese Witherspoon: Can I come hang out with you again? Platonically? Even though I know you’re in love with me?

Paul Rudd: Yes, of course! I’m just waiting to see if my friend has her baby.

[the phone RINGS]

Paul Rudd: Oh, she had it, just now. Let’s go to the hospital!

[they DO, and film the BABYDADDY proposing, but then the CAMERA isn’t ON, and they RE-DO it, and it is apparently HILARIOUS, but really just terrible and boring and awful]

Kathryn Hahn: My life is fine now because I have a baby and a fiancé!

Reese Witherspoon: I don’t think I want those things, but I don’t know! Oh, epiphanies!! Oh, and my birthday was tonight. Tomorrow, my boyfriend or whatever he is is throwing me a party.

Paul Rudd: Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Let me come to your party. Then I will declare my love for you and decide if I want to go to jail for my dad. If you love me, NO JAIL.

[there is a FANCY PARTY full of LITERAL BALLERS]

Owen Wilson: I got you this diamond watch that proves I will spend a lot of money on you. Also, I didn’t let you take your time unwrapping it, which also proves I am wrong for you.

Paul Rudd: I got you this Play-Doh and the story of how Play-Doh was invented, and how with one small adjustment, your life could be perfect. Also I let you unwrap the present at your own pace.

Reese Witherspoon: Of course! These metaphorical differences between the two men who are pursuing me prove everything! I love Paul Rudd.

[she follows him to the BUS STOP and they KISS because they are PERFECT for each other because SURE SOULMATES RIGHT FINE]

Jack Nicholson: I’m going to prison for fraud LOL

Guest Post: It's Complicated

Since I keep dropping the ball, my frequent contributor Laura McClain has picked up the slack. I even SAW this movie and was uninspired to write about it. It's...pretty dumb. But no one can resist La Streep and the Best Baldwin AND Steve Martin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the PRESENT]

Meryl Streep: I can’t believe my kids are all grown up and out of the house. As a warm earth mother/wildly successful caterer, my life is so hectic!

[she RUNS INTO her ex-husband Alec Baldwin at a PARTY]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, Meryl. You’re such a great lady. Look at you, being all 60-something and independent.

[he GRABS the ASS of his TROPHY wife]

Rita Wilson: I still can’t believe he left you for that young idiot.

Mary Kay Place: I know, right? Men are the worst.

Meryl Streep: Eh, I’m basically over it.

[they CLINK their GIANT glasses of WHITE WINE]

Meryl Streep: Aging sure is “complicated”. Plastic surgeon, do you think you can help me with my droopy eyelid?

Plastic Surgeon: Sure. We can cut your face open and staple your skin to your skull.

Meryl Streep: [RUNS AWAY]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, hello Meryl. Funny running into you in this elevator.

[he HIDES a PAMPHLET on INFERTILITY]

Meryl Streep: Ha! I can’t believe he’s going to try and have another child. Especially since our creepy, “Children of the Corn”-esque children are all in their 20s!
[they GO to NY to ATTEND the GRADUATION of one of the CREEPY KIDS]

Creepy Kid #1: Mom, we’re all going to go party tonight! Laters!

Meryl Streep: Ah, empty-nest syndrome. I will go to the bar to drown my sorrows.

Alec Baldwin: Why Meryl! What are you doing here? Let’s have wine. And scotch. And martinis. Maybe a tequila shot? Now we will dance awkwardly to this Jimmy Buffet song.

[they FUCK in his HOTEL room and it is both GROSS and extremely ENTERTAINING]

Alec Baldwin: [GRABS her VAGINA] Home sweet home!*

Meryl Streep: [BARFS in a DRAWER]

Creepy Kid #2: I’m so glad our whole family is here in New York! It’s like old times!

[the KIDS and John Krasinski, CREEPY #1’s fiancé, LOOK at each other in a NAUSEATING way]

Meryl Streep: This never happened, Alec! We’re going back to California and never speaking of this again!

Alec Baldwin: Whatever you say.

[he THRUSTS his HIPS in a GROSS/HILARIOUS manner]

Meryl Streep: Well, I’m glad that crazy weekend is over! Time to focus on building a giant addition to my house, which makes perfect sense, now that I’m the only one living here.

Steve Martin: Hello! I am your low-key, modest architect. You sure are pretty, elderly lady.

Meryl Streep: Your gentle humor is a welcome change from my blustery ex-husband! Let me make you a fancy sandwich in my catalogue kitchen.

[they EAT a MEAL that is FOOD PORN]

Alec Baldwin: Zounds! Why is this white-haired rascal sniffing around my woman?

[he LURKS outside the WINDOW, HILARIOUSLY]

Alec Baldwin: OMG, I thought he’d never leave.*

[they BONE again, and it is CUTE because they are both LESS HOT than they USED to be]

Alec Baldwin: Here, Meryl. Take this giant blunt. We will smoke it together someday.

Meryl Streep: Whatever you say, big guy.

[she WIGS out a BIT]

Meryl Streep: Friends, I must tell you! I’m sleeping with my ex! I’m a bit of a slut!*

[they all CELEBRATE and SPILL their WHITE WINE and like, DANCE around a DINING table or SOMETHING]

Alec Baldwin: Let’s bone at this hotel!

[John Krasinksi SEES them TRYSTING in the ELEVATOR in a LUDICROUS coincidence]

Meryl Streep: I will now disrobe in front of you, Alec. Please don’t comment on my age.

[he STARES at her in WONDER and then has a PANIC attack or SOMETHING]

Doctor: I have made a house call to this hotel, because that is a real thing that happens. You should start taking this embarrassing old-man medication.

Alec Baldwin: But that will reduce my sperm count! I mean….

Meryl Streep: Yes….I prefer a lot of semen.*

[they WATCH Oprah, like the OLD FARTS they are]

Steve Martin: Hello, Meryl! I have the new plans for your ridiculously huge home addition. Now you can see the ocean from your window. The ocean that is blue like your glorious eyes.

Meryl Streep: Would you like to go to my son’s graduation party with me tomorrow?

Steve Martin: Yahooo!

Alec Baldwin: Can I come over tonight and fuuuuuuck? You can make me my favorite dinner.

Meryl Streep: I cannot resist you and your gravelly voice.

[she MAKES the DINNER but he DOES not SHOW]

Meryl Streep: Pish. I can’t believe I waited around for him! I will smoke this giant blunt to feel better about my life.

Steve Martin: Here I am, ready to pick you up for our date.

Meryl Streep: [eating GIANT piece of CAKE] Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!

[they GO to the PARTY and SMOKE the GIANT blunt and it is TRULY hilarious]

Steve Martin: [various STONER things]

John Krasinski: I can’t believe you’re smoking pot!

Steve Martin: Want some?

John Krasinski: Hell yeah!

Alec Baldwin: I feel left out! You were supposed to smoke the blunt with ME!

Meryl Streep: Here you go!

[they are all HIGH and HILARIOUS and Alec Baldwin’s TROPHY WIFE can see that he still LOVES Meryl]

Steve Martin: Let’s eat some more food! Still high!

[they MAKE croissants and MAKE OUT and it is SQUICKY because I am IMMATURE]

Alec Baldwin: My wife kicked me out. Can I stay with you?

[he WEEPS]

Creepy Child #3: Oh Daddy, of course you can! Let’s all stay here, at Mom’s house! You too, Krasinski!

[they DO and Baldwin TRIES to SEDUCE Meryl in with their KIDS in the other ROOM which is a CLASSY move]

Alec Baldwin: I will get naked in front of this computer! I’m sure Meryl is not Skypeing with the architect! If Diane Keaton movies have taught me anything, it is that old people do not understand technology!

[she IS and Martin SEES his DICK and is subsequently HEARTBROKEN]

Creepsters: You and Daddy are having an affair?

Meryl Streep: Yes, but we’re not getting back together!

[they RUN AWAY]

Meryl Streep: What have I done?!?!

John Krasinksi: Come see your children. They need you!

My Friend Sean: Get your own family, Krasinski.*

[there is WEEPING and a GROUP HUG]

Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry I messed everything up. I still love you.

Meryl Streep: It is too “complicated”.

[she GOES to her MANSION, all ALONE]

Steve Martin: Hey, I’m back. Want to make some croissants? This is not a euphemism.

[PRESUMABLY they FALL in LOVE and HOPEFULLY get HIGH some MORE]

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

[it is SEATTLE. You can tell because of the RAIN]
Some Guy: I'm really hot and walking in the rain, in an alley, in the dark. Always a good plan.
[he gets CHASED and BIT by VAMPIRES]
Some Guy: Owwwww! This will not be the last time you see me in this movie!!!
[MEANWHILE, in the DREAM MEADOW]
KStew: I read poetry because it makes me sound super deep. Check it: "Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire--"
Robert Frost: Fuck you, stop reading my poem in that monotone.
RPattz: Well, I thought it was good.
[they STARE at each other, BLURRILY, so you know it's ROMANTIC]
RPattz: Marry me.
KStew: Make me a vampire.
RPattz: How many times are we going to have this conversation?
KStew: Um...a lot, I think. We've already had it like 5 times. And each time I somehow look less interested in you.
[MEANWHILE, in Mustacheville]
Sheriff Swan: Bella, you're my daughter, but I grounded you because I am totally Team Jacob. You should probably be hanging out with him more.
KStew: GOD DAD I TOLD YOU I LOVE EDWARD GODDDDD also Jacob won't call me back so I just stare at his poorly-written letter all day. Let's just go to school.
Anna Kendrick: I was nominated for an Oscar, for God's sake. Ugh, whatever.
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: I'm going to throw a graduation party! I can already tell it's gonna be amazing. Because I'm psychic. Also I can see something else, something LOOMING, as you can tell by my "worried" face.
[MEANWHILE, in Bella's BEDROOM]
Some Guy, Now Revealed to Be Riley: Mmmmm...human scent.
RPattz: Uh, so maybe you should skip town for a second, Bella? For no real reason other than you like seeing your mom, and you might not get to see her EVER AGAIN IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
KStew: K.
[they sit in the SUN except Edward SPARKLES in the sun, so he just CHILLS in the KITCHEN]
Bella's Mom: I made you a quilt of memories! Literally! Well, almost literally! It's just tshirts.
[they HUG in a really AWKWARD way]
KStew: Thanks, Mom. This will be great for when I'm a vampire and don't need to sleep. I mean...thanks.
[back in FORKS, the RAINIEST PLACE that ever got RAINED on]
Cullens: It's Victoria, the bad vampire! Hey, Victoria, you look different somehow.
Bryce Dallas Howard: No I don't! Don't you see my red hair? It's obviously still me.
Cullens: Okay! Let's fight!
[they DO, and a WEREWOLF also helps, and there is ANIMOSITY, and she ESCAPES]
KStew: That vacation was nice! I'm glad I got to see my mom before I become undead. Well, back to school.
Taylor "Baby Mustache" Lautner: Hey. I'm wearing a shirt, but I promise, it's me.
KStew: What are you doing here? Why won't you return my calls? How can you have that many abs?
Taylor "Pipes" Lautner: Well, I just thought you should know that the vampire who wanted to kill you is back. Also good to know? I have a motorcycle.
KStew: Let's ride on it.
RPattz: Ummmm it's literally the beginning of the school day, what are you doing?
[they DRIVE OFF, though they were AT SCHOOL and her dad is the fucking SHERIFF]
KStew: Why you be frontin'?
Taylor "Babysmooth" Lautner: Well, it's kind of complicated, and might involve a made-up thing that we werewolves have called "imprinting." It means two people are M.F.E.O., in the words of that girl in Sleepless in Seattle.
KStew: Huh. Okay. I hope that doesn't come back later in this book series and get super weird.
Taylor "I'd Hit It" Lautner: Don't worry, it won't. PSYCH!! It totally will. But anyways, what I wanted to tell you was that the orange-haired vampire is still totes trying to kill you.
KStew: She's really bad at killing me. It took her a whole movie and a casting change so far. Jeez.
Taylor "Tribal Tat" Lautner: I know, right? Plus there's some new vampire around who wants to kill you too. Everyone wants you, Bella. Especially me. In a sexual way. But it's cool, we got this covered.
[they establish a PROTECTION SCHEDULE so Bella doesn't DIE]
RPattz: Why do I have to drop you off with that...thing?
Taylor "Finally Shirtless" Lautner: No bigs, guys, just toolin' around town with no shirt on. DEAL WITH IT.
[they go to a COUNCIL MEETING, which does not sound like a FUN DATE]
KStew: Ummmmm you do know I'm white, right? If I knew I was coming to some sort of council meeting, I'd have stopped by the Trite Native American Stereotype Store and picked up a peace pipe.
Taylor "GNC Frequent Buyer's Club" Lautner: No worries, the tribe will accept you for no reason that's been established. Now let's listen to some legends that might inspire your later actions!
[they hear a STORY about a WIFE who CUT herself to distract a VAMPIRE one time]
KStew: Wow. I'm inspired. Can't you see it on my face?
Anyone: No.
Taylor "Lopsided But Still Extremely Attractive Pecs" Lautner: I can see it. And I love you. And now I will kiss you!!
[she CLOCKS him in the FACE and breaks her HAND]
KStew: Go away! I don't want to be your friend anymore!! I just want to be a Mormon, I mean vampire!!!
Rosalie, the Pretty Vampire: Ugh! You're so dumb! Why do you want to be a vampire? All we get are amber contacts, a thirst for blood, and terrible wigs.
KStew: Because I love Edward, duh.
Rosalie: Well, I loved some man once and he and his friends gang-raped me to death, so. Deal with that.
KStew: Whoa, heavy.
Jasper, the Possibly-Southern Vampire: Yeah, and I got used by a sexy lady vampire to train newborns in her vampire army. Let's watch a flashback about it. My wig was just as bad back then.
KStew: Hold on! I just now realized that these mysterious stranger vampires and Victoria are RELATED. And I'm the first one to realize it! Which means...I'm the smartest person in this movie! Yessssssss.
Mr. Kelly Taylor, the Dad Vampire: Well, perhaps we can broker a truce with the wolves to help us fight this encroaching army.
Taylor "Jorts" Lautner: On one condition: will we, at any time, be required to wear shirts?
Mr. Kelly Taylor: You are no more required to wear shirts than we are to wear wigs that look like actual hair, so: no.
Taylor "18 Years Old as of 2/11/2010" Lautner: We're in.
[they TRAIN for the FIGHT and it is JUST KIND OF COOL]
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: Wait!! What about my graduation party!?
KStew: Is that tonight? I thought we were painting a house, so I wore this raggedy old shirt. But this looks like a party.
Taylor "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Chest Hair" Lautner: Yeah. And we showed up. Even though we're in a fight now or whatever. But I'm over it. But I'm not. So much conflict.
[he STARES at something to show his CONFLICT]
Taylor "Skin the Color Mocha/Livin' La Vida Loca" Lautner: But I did bring you a present. It's a charm in the shape of a wolf. I made it myself, which is why it's so shitty-looking.
KStew: You made it? I would have sworn it was from the Trite Native American Stereotype Store.
RPattz: Okay, enough chatter. So we'll hide in the mountains while the fight is happening and everything will be okay. Let's go to the literal top of a mountain where it is fucking SNOWING and not bring enough blankets.
KStew: But...I'm cold. See? I'm shivering. It's my one acting technique.
Taylor "Share My Sleeping Bag" Lautner: I'll warm her up. I'm hotter than you.*
Team Jacob: OH SNAP Y'ALL
RPattz: Perhaps we can take this moment to come to an understanding, dog. She picked me.
Taylor "Body Heat" Lautner: But she could still pick me. I'm better for her. And her feelings apparently don't matter. We'll just sort it out between us men.
RPattz: Well, she agreed to marry me already, so...YA BURNT.
Taylor "Low Rise Cargo Shorts" Lautner: AAAARGH THAT MAKES ME WANT TO FIGHT SOMEONE!!! Good thing there is an army of vampires down there!
KStew: No! I will keep you here with kissing!!
[they MAKE OUT with her PSYCHIC BOYFRIEND, like, FEET away]
Taylor "Honey Dip Can I Get a Scoop" Lautner: I have to go. I have to fight the vampires. Also I need to hide my huge boner. But mostly to fight the vampires.
[there is a HUGE FIGHT and it is PRETTY RAD ACTUALLY]
Dakota Fanning: Oh. Hello. I brought my Steampunk Justin Bieber Vampire Squad here to remind you that we're in charge. You know, the Italian vampires with the council? You remember us.
The Gayest-Looking Steampunk Vampire, Which is Pretty Impressive Really: I've got pretty feet!
Cullens: That's great and all, but that orange-haired vampire is still trying to kill our human friend.
RPattz: No, I defeated her. It pretty much played out exactly how you thought it would.
KStew: I cut myself like the lady in that story from before!! Yayyyyy
Taylor "Still Hot When Injured" Lautner: Well, I broke every bone in my body, so BEAT THAT.
KStew: Oh. Sorry. And I'm still marrying the vampire. Because I want to bone him. And we can't until after we're married. Because fornication is a sin or whatever.
Stephenie Meyer: Still Mormon! Woooooo!

Iron Man 2

Thank you to my lovely friend Charlie for the chance to see this movie a) for free, b) before it was officially released and c) in a packed, huge theater full of people who were REALLY EXCITED about it. That is the best possible way to see a movie, in my opinion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the END of the FIRST MOVIE]
Robert Downey Jr.: And, blah blah, blah, I am Iron Man.
Mickey Rourke: Nyet. He has stolen all this technology from my father, who just died and basically told me to avenge him, kind of, on his deathbed. Come, my beloved cockatoo. Let us build a suit to rival Tony Stark's.
[there is a BUILDING THINGS montage]
Mickey Rourke: [Russian chuckle]
[meanwhile, six months LATER in QUEENS]
Tony Stark: Welcome to the Stark Expo!! Do you like my sexy Iron Man dancers? I banged all of 'em. Yeahhhhhh I'm Tony Staaaaaaaaaarrrrk! But on a more serious note, here's a video of my father, Roger Sterling, explaining how we're going to make the future better.
[he checks his BLOOD TOXICITY and it is GETTING WORSE]
Robert Downey Jr.: I will hide my pain and cover it with sexy, sexy banter. But first, I guess I have to go to a senate hearing?
Garry Shandling: Tony Stark, you say you have created peace, but really you have created a weapon! And we want it! Also my face looks like a fish, but that's beside the point.
Robert Downey Jr.: You can never have my weapon, because I am my weapon!! That is not a double entendre!
Don Cheadle: It's...kind of a dangerous weapon, though, dude. Not that I want to betray you or anything.
Sam Rockwell: Boo hoo, I want to make weapons too! But I suck at it, relative to Tony Stark. Also, my name is Justin Hammer. What a retarded name.
[meanwhile, at Stark's KICKIN' PAD]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Tony! Tony! TONY! I'm really worried about you, as usual, and about the company, as usual, and my outfit is classic and sleek and amazing, as usual, and somehow I make these weird bangs look good, as usual.
RDJ: Well, worry no more, babycakes, I'm making you CEO!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Um...ok! I hope this won't affect our sexy banter, though.
RDJ: Psh, no way.
[meanwhile, in a DANK RUSSIAN PLACE]
Mickey Rourke: Tony Stark will paaaaaaaaaaaayyy! Wodkaaaaaa!!
[meanwhile, in Tony's BOXING RING]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Tony, I've brought you an extremely foxy notary.
Scarlett Johansson: It's okay to stare. I know my body is bangin'.
Jon Favreau: Daaaaaaaaaaaamn! Here, let me teach you to box.
[she TAKES him DOWN and it is HILARIOUS because she is a SEXY LADY and he is a BIG MAN]
Tony Stark: Yes, please.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, you!
[everyone goes to MONACO for a RACE because that is what VERY RICH PEOPLE do]
Sam Rockwell: Oh hey man, check it out, I'm super cool now because I have a Vanity Fair article coming out on me soon and I'm totally gonna be cooler than you in my three-piece suits and hot nerd glasses, so suck on that, Stark!
RDJ: Well, I have a racecar. That I'm gonna drive. Recklessly. Because I am dying of secret poison blood.
[he SUITS UP because he DOES NOT FEAR DEATH]
Mickey Rourke: Porfect.
[he just fucking STROLLS on to the racetrack and everyone is like WHAT but then they are like OH SHIT because he has WHIPS made of fucking LIGHTNING or some shit]
Gwyneth Paltrow: He is clearly after my lover. I mean boss. I mean former boss. Shit, just get in the car.
[there are SWEET SWEET EXPLOSIONS and eventually Jon Favreau HITS Mickey Rourke with his CAR]
RDJ: Now I will suit up and we will battle! And it will be super awesome!!
[it IS, pretty much]
Gendarmes: Come wiz us, monsieur, you are under arrest pour...well, you know what you did, we all saw it.
Mickey Rourke: Your prisons will never hold me!
[they do NOT, but only because he has some HELP in the form of a FAKED DEATH]
Sam Rockwell: Well, hello! Welcome to my pristine airplane hangar! Would you like some salmon carpaccio after your prison stay? I will also give you a skajillion dollars to help me develop something to rival Tony Stark's Iron Man suit.
Mickey Rourke: Da, I will help you, but I want my bord.*
Sam Rockwell: Uh, cool, man, I'm on it, now let's make some fuckin' soldier suits!
[meanwhile, at Tony Stark's BIRTHDAY PARTY]
RDJ: I'm drunk and in the Iron Man suit woooooooooooo! This is a great use of a superweapon yeaaaaaaaahhhh!! Throw some more shit up in the air for me to shoot at!
Don Cheadle: Oh, hell no.
[he gets in ANOTHER SUIT and they have an EPIC FUCKING BATTLE]
Don Cheadle: Sorry, man...I gotta take this with me and betray you to the US government, and also your rival, Justin Hammer.
RDJ: Everyone hates me!! I'm just gonna go eat fuckin' donuts in that iconic big donut.
Sam Jackson: Get your motherfuckin' donuts off of that motherfuckin' donut!
RDJ: Bwaaaaaa?
Scarlett Johansson: Hey. We're from SHIELD. We've been monitoring you.
Sam Jackson: You got to shape. The fuck. Up, son! We need you! Here's a bunch of your dad's old shit, maybe you can use it to figure out how to not be dying anymore.
RDJ: Um, my dad kind of hated me? So this is going to be really emotional? Ugh, whatever.
[he watches some OUTTAKES from his dad's REEL-TO-REEL MOVIES]
Roger Sterling: Son, my greatest creation was, and always will be, you.*
Me: [mild weeping in a theater full of Marvel employees]
RDJ: Oh shit! It says on this map of Flushing Meadows "The Key to the Future is Here." This is one of those "there's always money in the banana stand" moments, isn't it?! This is a double meaning.
[he uses his RETARDEDLY AMAZING COMPUTER to figure out that his dad hid a fucking ATOMIC STRUCTURE in the map of QUEENS]
JARVIS: Congratulations, sir. You have discovered a new element.*
RDJ: Holler!!
[he builds a CONTRAPTION involving MANY PIPES and a BEAM OF LIGHT and CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SHIELD to synthesize his element]
RDJ: Yes! Now I'm not gonna die from secret blood poison! Let's see if this shit works...
[he PLUGS it into his BODY]
RDJ: Tastes...like...coconut...*
[meanwhile, at the HEADQUARTERS of HAMMER INDUSTRIES]
Sam Rockwell: Hey, Russian! Where's my technology?
Mickey Rourke: Is not finished, can make salute only.
Sam Rockwell: What? Okay, henchmen, take his bird. Yeah. Yeah, and take his pillows. And his shoes. Hey. I just took all your stuff. How's that feel, huh? Bad, right? THAT'S HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.*
Mickey Rourke: Will not make drones work, sorry.
Sam Rockwell: Well, it's all good, bro, because I got some Stark technology up in here, paid for with the betrayal of his best buddy. So you can just chill out. I got an expo to go to.
[obvs he KILLS the HENCHMEN and takes his BIRD back]
Mickey Rourke: Hello. I am not dead, Tony.
RDJ: What the - trace the call!
Call Trace Computer: The call is coming from one of the five boroughs of New York City.
RDJ: Oh hell no - he's in fucking Queens!! JUSTIN HAMMER!!!!
[meanwhile, on the MAINSTAGE at the EXPO]
Sam Rockwell: Hey guys, sorry I don't have the charisma of Tony Stark. But check it - I got drones! They don't work yet, but I also have an Iron Man suit! His best friend is operating it under orders from the US military! BOOYA!
Don Cheadle: Ugh, I feel terrible.
RDJ: Oh hey guys, um...so I'm pretty sure that Russian guy is not dead and also he is planning to fuck this expo UP. We need to get out of here.
[the DRONES activate and start FUCKING SHIT UP]
RDJ: Too late.
[there is a CRAZY DRONE BATTLE and it is fucking COOL as SHIT]
Don Cheadle: I can't control my own suit! Nooooo! I don't want to kill you, Tony!
Gwyneth Paltrow: This is a PR nightmare!!
Scarlett Johansson: Time to put this amazing booty to use.
[she goes to HAMMER INDUSTRIES and fucking DOMINATES all the henchmen while Jon Favreau fights ONE MEASLY DUDE]
Scarlett Johansson: I have used technology and also my enviable body to win this situation, and my lack of acting talent didn't even get in my way. Though my huge tits almost did. Drink it in, nerds.
RDJ: Okay, awesome, now that Foxy Operative has rebooted your suit, we can fight the drones together, friend who betrayed me, but it’s kind of okay because I totally get why you did it.
Don Cheadle: Sweet.
[there is, OBVIOUSLY, another SWEET SWEET BATTLE]
Mickey Rourke: I have come to say dosvydanya to you.
[RDJ and Don Cheadle EXPLODE him]
All the Drones: eepBeep! We are going to explode!!
RDJ: Shit! I must save my lady love! I mean secretary! I mean boss! I mean…shit!
[he FLIES in and SAVES Gwyneth and takes her to a ROOFTOP in QUEENS with EXPLOSIONS in the background]
Gwyneth Paltrow: I always hoped our first kiss would be on a rooftop in Queens with explosions in the background.
RDJ: Well, come here, then.
[they FINALLY kiss and you are like THANK GOD because she needed to be HITTING THAT]
Don Cheadle: I’m keepin’ the suit, buddy! PEACE.
Garry Shandling: Oh no! Irony! Now I have to give them medals!
RDJ: Suckaaaaaaaaaaa.
Sam Jackson: So…we kind of want the Iron Man suit in our little organization, but we don’t really want you. So I’m not real sure how that’s gonna work out. We can figure it out in the next movie.
Agent Coulson: But guys…the next movie is Thor. I just found his hammer in the desert.
Marvel: OH SNAP CHECK OUT OUR SWEET CONTINUITY BITCHESSSSS