The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

[it is SEATTLE. You can tell because of the RAIN]
Some Guy: I'm really hot and walking in the rain, in an alley, in the dark. Always a good plan.
[he gets CHASED and BIT by VAMPIRES]
Some Guy: Owwwww! This will not be the last time you see me in this movie!!!
[MEANWHILE, in the DREAM MEADOW]
KStew: I read poetry because it makes me sound super deep. Check it: "Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire--"
Robert Frost: Fuck you, stop reading my poem in that monotone.
RPattz: Well, I thought it was good.
[they STARE at each other, BLURRILY, so you know it's ROMANTIC]
RPattz: Marry me.
KStew: Make me a vampire.
RPattz: How many times are we going to have this conversation?
KStew: Um...a lot, I think. We've already had it like 5 times. And each time I somehow look less interested in you.
[MEANWHILE, in Mustacheville]
Sheriff Swan: Bella, you're my daughter, but I grounded you because I am totally Team Jacob. You should probably be hanging out with him more.
KStew: GOD DAD I TOLD YOU I LOVE EDWARD GODDDDD also Jacob won't call me back so I just stare at his poorly-written letter all day. Let's just go to school.
Anna Kendrick: I was nominated for an Oscar, for God's sake. Ugh, whatever.
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: I'm going to throw a graduation party! I can already tell it's gonna be amazing. Because I'm psychic. Also I can see something else, something LOOMING, as you can tell by my "worried" face.
[MEANWHILE, in Bella's BEDROOM]
Some Guy, Now Revealed to Be Riley: Mmmmm...human scent.
RPattz: Uh, so maybe you should skip town for a second, Bella? For no real reason other than you like seeing your mom, and you might not get to see her EVER AGAIN IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
KStew: K.
[they sit in the SUN except Edward SPARKLES in the sun, so he just CHILLS in the KITCHEN]
Bella's Mom: I made you a quilt of memories! Literally! Well, almost literally! It's just tshirts.
[they HUG in a really AWKWARD way]
KStew: Thanks, Mom. This will be great for when I'm a vampire and don't need to sleep. I mean...thanks.
[back in FORKS, the RAINIEST PLACE that ever got RAINED on]
Cullens: It's Victoria, the bad vampire! Hey, Victoria, you look different somehow.
Bryce Dallas Howard: No I don't! Don't you see my red hair? It's obviously still me.
Cullens: Okay! Let's fight!
[they DO, and a WEREWOLF also helps, and there is ANIMOSITY, and she ESCAPES]
KStew: That vacation was nice! I'm glad I got to see my mom before I become undead. Well, back to school.
Taylor "Baby Mustache" Lautner: Hey. I'm wearing a shirt, but I promise, it's me.
KStew: What are you doing here? Why won't you return my calls? How can you have that many abs?
Taylor "Pipes" Lautner: Well, I just thought you should know that the vampire who wanted to kill you is back. Also good to know? I have a motorcycle.
KStew: Let's ride on it.
RPattz: Ummmm it's literally the beginning of the school day, what are you doing?
[they DRIVE OFF, though they were AT SCHOOL and her dad is the fucking SHERIFF]
KStew: Why you be frontin'?
Taylor "Babysmooth" Lautner: Well, it's kind of complicated, and might involve a made-up thing that we werewolves have called "imprinting." It means two people are M.F.E.O., in the words of that girl in Sleepless in Seattle.
KStew: Huh. Okay. I hope that doesn't come back later in this book series and get super weird.
Taylor "I'd Hit It" Lautner: Don't worry, it won't. PSYCH!! It totally will. But anyways, what I wanted to tell you was that the orange-haired vampire is still totes trying to kill you.
KStew: She's really bad at killing me. It took her a whole movie and a casting change so far. Jeez.
Taylor "Tribal Tat" Lautner: I know, right? Plus there's some new vampire around who wants to kill you too. Everyone wants you, Bella. Especially me. In a sexual way. But it's cool, we got this covered.
[they establish a PROTECTION SCHEDULE so Bella doesn't DIE]
RPattz: Why do I have to drop you off with that...thing?
Taylor "Finally Shirtless" Lautner: No bigs, guys, just toolin' around town with no shirt on. DEAL WITH IT.
[they go to a COUNCIL MEETING, which does not sound like a FUN DATE]
KStew: Ummmmm you do know I'm white, right? If I knew I was coming to some sort of council meeting, I'd have stopped by the Trite Native American Stereotype Store and picked up a peace pipe.
Taylor "GNC Frequent Buyer's Club" Lautner: No worries, the tribe will accept you for no reason that's been established. Now let's listen to some legends that might inspire your later actions!
[they hear a STORY about a WIFE who CUT herself to distract a VAMPIRE one time]
KStew: Wow. I'm inspired. Can't you see it on my face?
Anyone: No.
Taylor "Lopsided But Still Extremely Attractive Pecs" Lautner: I can see it. And I love you. And now I will kiss you!!
[she CLOCKS him in the FACE and breaks her HAND]
KStew: Go away! I don't want to be your friend anymore!! I just want to be a Mormon, I mean vampire!!!
Rosalie, the Pretty Vampire: Ugh! You're so dumb! Why do you want to be a vampire? All we get are amber contacts, a thirst for blood, and terrible wigs.
KStew: Because I love Edward, duh.
Rosalie: Well, I loved some man once and he and his friends gang-raped me to death, so. Deal with that.
KStew: Whoa, heavy.
Jasper, the Possibly-Southern Vampire: Yeah, and I got used by a sexy lady vampire to train newborns in her vampire army. Let's watch a flashback about it. My wig was just as bad back then.
KStew: Hold on! I just now realized that these mysterious stranger vampires and Victoria are RELATED. And I'm the first one to realize it! Which means...I'm the smartest person in this movie! Yessssssss.
Mr. Kelly Taylor, the Dad Vampire: Well, perhaps we can broker a truce with the wolves to help us fight this encroaching army.
Taylor "Jorts" Lautner: On one condition: will we, at any time, be required to wear shirts?
Mr. Kelly Taylor: You are no more required to wear shirts than we are to wear wigs that look like actual hair, so: no.
Taylor "18 Years Old as of 2/11/2010" Lautner: We're in.
[they TRAIN for the FIGHT and it is JUST KIND OF COOL]
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: Wait!! What about my graduation party!?
KStew: Is that tonight? I thought we were painting a house, so I wore this raggedy old shirt. But this looks like a party.
Taylor "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Chest Hair" Lautner: Yeah. And we showed up. Even though we're in a fight now or whatever. But I'm over it. But I'm not. So much conflict.
[he STARES at something to show his CONFLICT]
Taylor "Skin the Color Mocha/Livin' La Vida Loca" Lautner: But I did bring you a present. It's a charm in the shape of a wolf. I made it myself, which is why it's so shitty-looking.
KStew: You made it? I would have sworn it was from the Trite Native American Stereotype Store.
RPattz: Okay, enough chatter. So we'll hide in the mountains while the fight is happening and everything will be okay. Let's go to the literal top of a mountain where it is fucking SNOWING and not bring enough blankets.
KStew: But...I'm cold. See? I'm shivering. It's my one acting technique.
Taylor "Share My Sleeping Bag" Lautner: I'll warm her up. I'm hotter than you.*
Team Jacob: OH SNAP Y'ALL
RPattz: Perhaps we can take this moment to come to an understanding, dog. She picked me.
Taylor "Body Heat" Lautner: But she could still pick me. I'm better for her. And her feelings apparently don't matter. We'll just sort it out between us men.
RPattz: Well, she agreed to marry me already, so...YA BURNT.
Taylor "Low Rise Cargo Shorts" Lautner: AAAARGH THAT MAKES ME WANT TO FIGHT SOMEONE!!! Good thing there is an army of vampires down there!
KStew: No! I will keep you here with kissing!!
[they MAKE OUT with her PSYCHIC BOYFRIEND, like, FEET away]
Taylor "Honey Dip Can I Get a Scoop" Lautner: I have to go. I have to fight the vampires. Also I need to hide my huge boner. But mostly to fight the vampires.
[there is a HUGE FIGHT and it is PRETTY RAD ACTUALLY]
Dakota Fanning: Oh. Hello. I brought my Steampunk Justin Bieber Vampire Squad here to remind you that we're in charge. You know, the Italian vampires with the council? You remember us.
The Gayest-Looking Steampunk Vampire, Which is Pretty Impressive Really: I've got pretty feet!
Cullens: That's great and all, but that orange-haired vampire is still trying to kill our human friend.
RPattz: No, I defeated her. It pretty much played out exactly how you thought it would.
KStew: I cut myself like the lady in that story from before!! Yayyyyy
Taylor "Still Hot When Injured" Lautner: Well, I broke every bone in my body, so BEAT THAT.
KStew: Oh. Sorry. And I'm still marrying the vampire. Because I want to bone him. And we can't until after we're married. Because fornication is a sin or whatever.
Stephenie Meyer: Still Mormon! Woooooo!

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

[it is a DREAM MEADOW]
Kristen Stewart: Ugh. This dream is lame. Is that my grandma over there? Wait a minute...it's me! As an old lady! With my hot vampire boyfriend who will always be young and beautiful, so beautiful that I will never have the words to describe it because I am bad with words.
R. Patts: Hey. Remember me? And how I sparkle in the sunlight? (Gay.) I'm super hot, but super pale, and super never open my mouth, which is apparently full of marbles. That is all.
[she AWAKENS to realize it is her BIRTHDAY, and she is now "OLDER" than her VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND, which is TERRIFYING, though she is only 18]
Kristen Stewart: Whyyyyyyy please just change me into a vampire please please please! I'm going to repeat this extensively, so just get used to it now.
R. Patts: Babe? Can you hang on? I'm kinda busy walking in slo-mo across the windy parking lot. The better to display my hottttttnesssss, which is actually not that hott.
Kristen Stewart: Ugh, fine. I'll just go talk to my racially diverse group of friends that I never hang out with.
The Asian Guy: We don't know what happened to the black guy! Dang!
Taylor "Jailbait" Lautner: Hey Bella. I brought you a present from the Trite Native American Stereotype Store. That's also where I got my wig.
[he tosses his TERRIBLE WIG]
R. Patts: ARE YOU TALKING TO MY GIRLFRIEND STEP OFF DUDE
Taylor "Inappropriate Thoughts" Lautner: Hey, settle down. I'm just your girlfriend's really, really close friend who she never sees ever? We're basically best buds. But we never hang out.
Kristen Stewart: [mumbles something without EVER OPENING HER MOUTH]
R. Patts: I love to hear your lovely voice, my darling. Oh, and just so we get this out of the way: there is a vampire, like, congress thing in Italy that upholds our laws, and they will kill anyone who breaks them. That was my Suicide Plan B if I couldn't save you from the vampire that was hunting you in the last movie. Okay, setup done.
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: I got you a present! But I'm psychic, so I already know you love it! Also, I know you hate parties, but I'm throwing you one anyway! You can't resist me because I am too cute and chipper and have adorable hair!!
Kristen Stewart: Ugh. Fine.
[she goes to the vampires' SUMPTUOUS HOUSE, where they give her MANY PRESENTS]
Jasper, the Lacking-in-Self-Control Vampire: Hello, Bella. I would wish you a happy birthday, but I'm having trouble controlling my thirst for human blood. I tried to sate it by looking really gay, but it didn't work.
[Bella CUTS HERSELF on a CD case, you know, as you do, and there is a VAMPIRE THROWDOWN]
Mr. Kelly Taylor, the Dad Vampire: Don't mind him and his murderous rage. He just wants to drink your blood. No bigs! Let's get you stitched up. Also here is some more exposition about those Italy vampires. They are kind of bad. That's about it.
Kristen Stewart: K.
[the next OVERCAST DAY]
R. Patts: Look, can we go talk in the forest?
Kristen Stewart: The forest? This must be serious. That is where we went to discuss how you are a vampire.
R. Patts: My family and I are moving. I'm breaking up with you. But I cannot look at you, as it would betray the fact that I cannot act.
Kristen Stewart: You're breaking up with me? You're leaving me? I am really sad about this, though my dead eyes will never show it.
R. Patts: Yes, I am leaving. Now that we have repeated that point the contractually-obligated three times, I'll go. You stay here in the forest, since that's safe.
Kristen Stewart: I guess I'll just wander aimlessly for a while in the forest and then lay down. That's a thing, right? After a breakup, ladies be eating Ben and Jerry's and laying in the woods!
[a HUGE-ASS WOLF rescues her, but it is actually a DUDE in the FORM of a WOLF]
Charlie, the Sheriff Dad: Oh! My daughter is back. Thanks, shirtless Indian.
Kristen Stewart: My life is...over.
[there is the LONGEST PASSAGE-OF-TIME MONTAGE ever]
Fritzi from Camp: God, you're so depressing! I don't even know why we hang out with you. But yeah, let's go to a movie or whatever.
[they GO, and Bella picks up some BIKERS in a PARKING LOT because she wants an ADRENALINE RUSH to FORGET her TROUBLES]
Disembodied Head of R. Patts: Bella. Be safe. Don't be stupid, Bella, though I guess being stupid is kind of intrinsic to your nature. Listen to me, the poor CGI mirage.
Kristen Stewart: I am so codependent that I will do anything just to see his mirage!! If that means extreme sports, so be it! I'm gonna find some dirt bikes and fix them up with my really super-close friend Jacob!
Taylor "Six-Pack" Lautner: You're here to hang out with me and my wig! Awesome! Let's fix some bikes...and also develop our relationship through some sort of vaguely indie song.
[there is a BIKE-FIXING and FRIENDSHIP-BUILDING MONTAGE]
Kristen Stewart: Well, now that the bikes are fixed, I can test my theory that exxxxtreme sports will allow me to see my mirage boyfriend!
[she tries to RIDE AWAY from the FIGMENT of her IMAGINATION, which is kind of like RUNNING from COLD, but instead she HITS a ROCK]
Taylor "I Hate Shirts" Lautner: Oh my god! Bella! You're bleeding. Here, let me remove my shirt and apply pressure to your head.
Kristen Stewart: Daaaaaaaaang, dude, you got a rockin' bod.
[the two of them go on an awkward "DATE" with Mike Newton to FACEPUNCH, which is a totally hilarious fake movie name]
Mike Newton: Wow, I feel sick. And like I might be a baby Nathan Fillion. But mostly sick.
Taylor "Gun Show" Lautner: AAAAGGGHHH I AM ENRAGED FOR NO REASON AND NOW WE ARE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE
Kristen Stewart: Fine! Whatever, I'm going for a walk in the woods, because that always ends well for me.
[she goes to the DREAM MEADOW from before, but it is BROWN and DEAD instead of GLORIOUS and GREEN]
Kristen Stewart: This meadow is too metaphorical!! Why can't I regain the joy I had when I first saw my sparkling Edward here? So glittery...so...glittery...
French Black Dude Vampire: Hello, Bella. Where are your vampire friends? If they're not protecting you anymore, you should probably look out, since Victoria, the crazy vampire with the orange hair, is seeking vengeance on Edward for killing her mate, so she's gonna kill you. Everyone got that? Good.
[he strokes his DREADLOCKS and displays his BARE CHEST under a BLAZER]
French Black Dude Vampire: You know, I think I'll just kill you myself. You like shirtless fellows, no?
[some HUGE FUCKING WOLVES show up and there is a NOT-TERRIBLY-EXCITING fight]
Kristen Stewart: What the? Wolves? Is this related to why my best bud isn't calling me anymore? I must go confront him...in the rain!!
Taylor "Baby Oil" Lautner: Sup. I'm just hanging out in the rain, shirtless. I cut my hair and I'm done with shirts now. No shirt, no shoes, no problem, that's my new philosophy.
Kristen Stewart: What the fuck, dude?
Taylor "JK Livin" Lautner: Is it cool if I do some HARDCORE PARKOUR up to your roof? I just...really need to talk to you. But I can't tell you what's going on.
Kristen Stewart: Tell me what's going on!!
Taylor "Daaaaamn how are you 17" Lautner: I literally...........................................can't.*
Kristen Stewart: Oh, I bet I know what it is, though. Because I've so totally proven my powers of...uh...figuring stuff out. You're a werewolf. Great.
Taylor "Caramel Cream" Lautner: Look, it's not like this is a lifestyle choice. It's not like I'm a gay person or something, who totally chooses filthy buttsex. I was born this way. And I was also born shirtless.
Kristen Stewart: Oh. Cool. Well, let's go hang with your "pack."
[she learns that ALL WEREWOLVES HATE SHIRTS and are HOT but have semi-weird looking FACES but are still PRETTY HOT]
Kristen Stewart: Yeah, I still miss my vampire boyfriend. Can't you see the pain on my face???
Anyone: No.
Kristen Stewart: Fine, I'm just gonna go cliff diving.
[her CLIFF DIVING makes Alice, the PSYCHIC, think she has KILLED HERSELF and then there are SHENANIGANS that basically end with EDWARD trying to PROVOKE the VOLTURI because he thinks she is DEAD]
Kristen Stewart: Shit, we better go to Italy and stop him. This is too much like Romeo and Juliet...and not in a good way!
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: I'll grab my jaunty scarf, gloves, and sunglasses, and we'll be on our way!
[they drive a YELLOW PORSCHE through the countryside, because that is REALLY INCONSPICUOUS]
Alice: You need to run through this festival to stop Edward from exposing his disco ball skin!! Go!
[she runs for, like, EVER, in slo-mo, because this movie is NOT QUITE LONG ENOUGH]
R. Patts: Oh. Hey. Are we dead? Awesome.
Dakota Fanning: No, but you're about to be. Come with me.
[they go to the VAMPIRE CONGRESS PLACE]
Michael Sheen: Well. Hello. I'm still attractive even with these blood-red contacts in. How about that?
[they have a LONG CONVO that basically ends with a VAMPIRE FIGHT which is MODERATELY COOL]
Michael Sheen: ...and the next time we see you, we want that human mate of yours to be a vampire! Her supernatural shield talents are too good to be wasted!
Dakota Fanning: I couldn't even hurt her with my mind bullets!!
R. Patts: Okay, fine, we'll make her a vampire.
Kristen Stewart: Yessssss. I am really excited about that. Can't you tell...from my acting?
R. Patts: Don't get too excited...because before I make you a vampire...we have to get married.
Stephenie Meyer: Mormons! [jazz hands]

Serenity

[it is a SPACE SCHOOL]
Exposition Teacher: We used up Earth That Was and left for a bunch of other planets on a new solar system, and we "terra-formed" them, which is why they all look like Earth That Was and have air and horses, and then we made this Alliance, which is great. SO GREAT. EVERYONE LOVES THE ALLIANCE.
Little River: But not everyone does.
Exposition Teacher: EVERYONE. DOES.
[it is a SPACE HOSPITAL, where the SAME GIRL is being EXPERIMENTED ON]
Waiting for Guffman Guy: ...so then we just stick this thing into her brain and fuck around with it. Fun, huh?
Dr. Simon: Yeah. Fun.
[he uses a CRAZY PULSE WEAPON to KNOCK OUT everyone in the room and ESCAPE with his SISTER and if you never saw the SHOW, you will be like WHAT but TRUST ME it's GOOD]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Wow, Waiting for Guffman Guy. Just - wow. You are seriously bad at your job of taking possibly-psychic people and doing experiments on them. And for that: you die.
[he does a NERVE PINCH THING that makes the guy FALL OVER, which wouldn't be SO BAD except that there is a SWORD THERE that STABS him]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Now you know how I kill people. Remember that.
[meanwhile, on SERENITY, chunks are LITERALLY FALLING OFF the spaceship]
Nathan Fillion: We better go rob a bank to fix our ship. Do we need to re-introduce the crew?
Zoe: It wouldn't be a bad idea, sir. Some of the people who liked "Firefly" may have convinced their friends to see the movie without having seen the show.
Nathan Fillion: Can't say that's much of an idea, but all right. Where's your husband, the pilot?
Alan Tudyk: Over here! Being wacky and wearing a Hawaiian shirt!
Nathan Fillion: And Kaylee, our mechanic?
Kaylee: Right here, cap'n! Just fixin' up Serenity so she runs good for this job. And thinkin' 'bout the doctor. 'Cause I got an unrequited love for him.
Dr. Simon: She does. It's...mutual. I don't want to talk about it.
River: [says something POSSIBLY PSYCHIC]
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: I just want to get on with this gorram bank robbery!!
Nathan Fillion: Jayne, settle down and get in the hovercraft. We don't know why you have a girl's name.
[they go ROB a BANK, but are AMBUSHED by REAVERS, who are basically THE WORST]
Nathan Fillion: All right, time for a chase scene.
[they get CHASED and it is EXCITING but they are SAFE at the end]
Dr. Simon: You almost got my sister killed! We're getting off this ship, even though we are fugitives from the law and might not find another crew so willing to protect us.
Nathan Fillion: Great plan. Good luck with that.
[they all go to a SPACE SALOON and meet up with their CONTACTS to do a BUSINESS DEAL]
River: Miranda.
[she STARES at a JAPANESE-LOOKING COMMERCIAL and instead of having a SEIZURE, totally KICKS everyone's ASS]
Nathan Fillion: What in the rutting -- let's go. You two clearly can't handle yourselves. We better go talk to Mr. Universe about this.
David Krumholtz: Duhhhhh, the commercial was a subliminal message that makes her into an assassin, obviouslyyyyy. You're welcome. I have a robot bride.
Nathan Fillion: Looks like we need to go to that planet she mentioned, Miranda.
Kaylee: But Shepherd Book hasn't been featured in the movie yet! We need to visit him!
Nathan Fillion: Fine, let's go.
[they DO, and he has CORNROWS]
Inara: Also can you come help me, a former sort-of crew member who is clearly in love with you? This is not an Alliance trap at all.
[it is CLEARLY a trap, but they go ANYWAY and SAVE her]
Nathan Fillion: FINE. EVERYONE FROM THE SHOW IS IN THE MOVIE NOW ARE YOU HAPPY.
Kaylee: Yes, cap'n.
Nathan Fillion: Okay, now let's go to that outer rim planet.
Zoe: There's the other issue, that we have to go through Reaver territory to get there.
Nathan Fillion: I know! Let's disguise our ship as a Reaver ship! We'll just strap on some corpses and red paint and pass on through. Good thing the Alliance killed a bunch of our friends.
[everyone is like EW but they know it is THE ONLY WAY]
Alan Tudyk: Is now a good time for another pithy comment? No? Okay, well, we're here on the outer planet.
[the PLANET is totally INHABITABLE but everyone is MYSTERIOUSLY DEAD]
Sarah Paulson: Hi. I'm a recording that will conveniently explain what happened here. See, we tried to stop people from fighting with this drug in the air supply, but it made everyone give up the will to live and they all died. Except for a tiny percentage of the people, who became the Reavers. Sorry, universe! We ruined this world.
Nathan Fillion: Everyone in the universe must know about this! Let's broadcast it, using Mr. Universe's broadcasting equipment.
David Krumholtz: Sure, come on by. This is also not a trap.
[it is ALSO A TRAP]
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: But how we gonna get past them Reavers agin? And what about all the Alliance ships that are sure to be waiting for us?
[they pit their TWO ENEMIES against EACH OTHER and it is AMAZING]
Alan Tudyk: I am a leaf on the wind.*
[he PILOTS the ship EXPERTLY and LANDS it but then gets STABBED by a HARPOON and it is TERRIBLE]
Zoe: I am a soldier! I will not stop to grieve! I will fight!
Dr. Simon: I'm really sad I never did you.
Kaylee: Really? Screw this, I'm gonna live!!*
[they set up a REAVER BOTTLENECK and have a HUGE FIREFIGHT while the captain goes to BROADCAST the message]
River: Guys, I'm going to go defeat the Reavers alone. BRB.
[she goes NUTS with, like, an AXE and it's AWESOME]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Oh no you don't, captain! We have to have our man-to-man battle! And I need to use that nerve pinch thing again!
[there is a LOT of FIGHTING and it is COOL and NERVE-WRACKING]
Nathan Fillion: Here's the thing about that nerve pinch thing, though: I don't have nerves there. YA BURNT.
[he WINS and broadcasts the THING and everyone is ALIVE except the two that DIED EARLIER]
Kaylee: Yes! Now I can bone the doctor!
Dr. Simon: Wooooo!
Inara: Yes! Now I can continue to look at the captain in a suggestive way!
Nathan Fillion: Woooooo, I guess?!
River: Yes! Now I can not be crazy, mostly!
Zoe: I'm still sad, but also strong.
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: Woooooo! Let's go steal somethin'! But have morals about it!
[they DO, we assume]

Twilight

[it is PHOENIX]
Kristen Stewart: I must tell you my feelings and exposition in voiceover, for I am not a good enough actress to show you with my face, my face that remains frozen regardless of the situation. I'm moving to Forks, Washington, with my dad, because my mom wants to travel with her new husband or something? Though considering I'm a junior in high school and I seem to hate rain A LOT, this decision seems weird.
Her Dad: Sup. I bought you a truck that will indicate that you are different when you drive it to school, a la Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful.
Kristen Stewart: Thanks.
[they are SILENT because they are both LONERS]
Kristen Stewart: Well, time for school. It's so great to be starting a new school in March, though I voluntarily moved.
Fritzi from Camp: OMG let's totally be friends!
Asian Dude: Daaaaaaaamn, who's the new chick?
White Dude: I don't know, but she's hotttttt.
Black Dude: I would also express my interest in her, but that might be threatening.
[everyone goes NUTS over her because people in SMALL TOWNS are EASILY ENTERTAINED]
Kristen Stewart: Whoa. Who are those super-pale, red-lipped hotties over there?
Fritzi: Those are the Cullens. They're super weird. We shun them because they are different.
[the Cullens WALK in SLOW MOTION to DISPLAY their EERIE BEAUTY]
Not Tony Shalhoub: Welcome to Biology class! You can sit over there next to Edward Cullen.
Kristen Stewart: Hotttttt.
[a FAN blows on her HAIR and he HOLDS his NOSE because of her BLOOD SCENT but really it looks like he JIZZED in his PANTS]
R. Patts: I...have to leave.
Kristen Stewart: I'm so sad! That dude I don't know dissed me! My life is shit!
[he SAVES her from a SPEEDING VEHICLE and STARES at her some more]
Kristen Stewart: Whaaaaaaaaa? You dented the car with your HAND. This is strange indeed.
Long-Haired Native American Dude: The Cullens are not like us. Oh, and my tribe was descended from wolves. You might want to hang on to that info for later.
Kristen Stewart: Interesting. To Google!
[she GOOGLES some legends and one of the HITS literally says The Legend of SLAPPING BEAVER]
Kristen Stewart: Hmm. The information I need is not anywhere on the internet - it's in a book that happens to be in the bookstore in town. Now, to find a reason to go to town...
Fritzi: OMG, we're going prom dress shopping! You have to come, even though you have shown no interest whatsoever in prom!!
Kristen Stewart: K.
[she buys the BOOK and then gets ALMOST JUMPED by some BAD GUYS but is SAVED by R. Patts]
Kristen Stewart: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
R. Patts: Let's have dinner. Well, you have dinner. I'll watch you eat. Creepily. Or romantically? I can't tell anymore.
Kristen Stewart: Hmm. Something in this book has led me to the website I need! I know what's going on!
[there is a GOOGLE MONTAGE of VAMPIRE-RELATED WORDS]
Kristen Stewart: So, I think I know what your secret is. Let's go out into the forest, alone, so I can talk to you about it.
R. Patts: Okay.
Kristen Stewart: How long have you been 17?*
R. Patts: A while.*
Kristen Stewart: Vampire! I knew it! Yes! I am the Google Master!
R. Patts: You know I could eat you at any moment, right? That's why I jizzed in my pants when I saw you. Your blood smells better than any blood I've ever smelled. I want to eat it all day long. I'm pretty sure everyone over the age of 14 knows that when I say "blood" here...I don't really mean blood.
Kristen Stewart: Oh. Gross. Or hot? I'm not really sure.
R. Patts: It's hot, I assure you. Also hot is the fact that I stand in your room at night and watch you sleep. Totally hot, right?
Kristen Stewart: Uh...right? I guess? Not stalkery?
R. Patts: Can I show you the reason vampires can't go in the sun? It's going to be seriously weird and not hilarious at all.
[he is WRONG, for he stands in the SUN and fucking SPARKLES like a DIAMOND and looks DOWNTRODDEN]
Kristen Stewart: You're so beautiful. I wish I could go on and on about your beauty like I do in the book, but instead I will just stare at you with a blank expression that indicates "enjoyment of beauty."
[they LOOK at each other for, like, EVER and JUMP AROUND on TREES]
Fritzi: OMG - she is totally going out with that weird Cullen dude! Gossip!
[everyone GOSSIPS because they are JEALOUS]
Kristen Stewart: So even though we have known each other for less than a month, and exchanged only a few words: I am in love with you. Like, crazily so. Like Romeo-and-Juliet-on-crystal-meth style bonkers romance. Yet my face will never show it.
R. Patts: That's cool. I can't bone you anyway because I would probably kill you. Want to meet my family? We don't eat humans, so it's cool.
Kristen Stewart: K. Vampires are awesome.
[meanwhile, some ANIMAL has been KILLING people but it is NOT an ANIMAL, it is some BAD VAMPIRES]
R. Patts: No bigs, let's go play baseball.
[they play VAMPIRE BASEBALL, which involves the LOUDEST CRACK OF THE BAT and also RUNNING VERY FAST]
Bad Vampires: Hello. May we join you...IN EATING THIS HUMAN?
[there is a VAMPIRE FIGHT and it is LESS AWESOME than I anticipated]
R. Patts: I have to get you out of here right now because if they eat you I cannot live without you even though I also want to eat you and I love you and I'm so confused.
[there are some SHENANIGANS that end in the BALLET STUDIO in PHOENIX, where there is another VAMPIRE FIGHT that is MORE AWESOME]
Kristen Stewart: Ow! My lifeblood! The bad vampire is biting it!
[she WRITHES for a REALLY LONG TIME]
Mike Dexter from Can't Hardly Wait: You must suck the poison out of her arm, because you love her. I can't do it, because I'd probably kill her. Or something.
R. Patts: To taste her blood and then have to stop myself will be the hardest thing in the world.
[to himself] And that's not the only thing that's hard! Hey-oooo!
[he SUCKS the POISON out, but STOPS, because of his ENDURING LOVE or some shit]
Kristen Stewart: Thanks for not letting me become a vampire. Hey, wait, no - becoming a vampire would be totally awesome and then I could be with you forever!
R. Patts: No, I don't want to deflower you. I mean...dehumanize you. Yeah. This is about vampires. Not premarital sex. In any event, let's go to prom. No premarital sex could happen there!
[they DANCE, but OMINOUS THINGS are happening to set up the SEQUEL]

Once Bitten

Originally posted on my old blog in July 2005, inspired by someone at work who mentioned that Jim Carrey plays his own leg as a guitar in this movie. I had to see for myself.

Lauren Hutton: Go find me some virgin blood! Vampires need that kind of thing.
Minions: Okay, but it's going to be tricky in L.A. in the mid-80s.
[cut to ICE CREAM TRUCK at drive-in movie theatre]
Jim Carrey: Come on.
Girlfriend: No.
Jim Carrey: Please?
Girlfriend: No.
Jim Carrey: Shit.*
Buddies of Jim Carrey: Let's go to Hollywood and get some ass!
[montage of CRAZY Hollywood people, including Lauren Hutton's MINIONS]
Lauren Hutton: Hey, you're cute. Wanna come home with me?
Jim Carrey: Okay.
[they go to her HOUSE and MAKE OUT until she bites him on the THIGH and he FAINTS]
Jim Carrey: What happened?
Lauren Hutton's Gay Butler: Have some orange juice.
[they go to the Halloween Dance]
Megan Mullally: Nice vampire costume.
Jim Carrey: It's not a costume!
[Jim Carrey's Girlfriend and Lauren Hutton DANCE FIGHT over Jim Carrey while Jim Carrey plays his own LEG as a GUITAR]
Lauren Hutton: Once I bite him three times, he's mine.
Jim Carrey's Girlfriend: This vampire book has explained everything. Let's do it in this coffin and you won't be a virgin anymore!
Jim Carrey: All-righty then!

*When I was watching the movie with Spanish subtitles, this was translated as "Demonios!"

Grade for movie: D+
For playing your own leg as a guitar: A+