Ah, Sorkin. Remember the early 90's, when your ego hadn't swallowed you whole and you could write non-grandiose dialogue and a female character that wasn't a TOTAL idiot, just kind of an idiot? Take us back.
***
[it is Washington, D.C.]
Demi Moore: Two soldiers murdered one of their coworkers in Guantanamo but I don’t think it’s their fault. As a capable, confident female naval officer-attorney excelling in a traditionally male space, I respectfully ask to take on their case.
The Men in Charge: Lol. Get out.
[we FLASHBACK to GUANTANAMO in the RECENT PAST]
That Guy in Every Sorkin Movie: This young solider wants a transfer and keeps breaking the chain of command because we ignore him.
Kiefer Sutherland: He’s a pu**y and I hate him!
Jack Nicholson: Calm down, boys. Let’s keep him here and whip him into shape.
[he WIGGLE-WAGGLES his GROSS EYEBROWS]
[back in present-day D.C., at a SOFTBALL PRACTICE where Tom Cruise at MAXIMUM CHARM beans GROUNDERS]
Demi Moore: So, I hear you’ve been assigned as lead counsel on this case. I know all about you. Harvard grad, son of a famous litigator, two years in the Navy, loves to plea bargain, possibly wearing lifts…
Tom Cruise: Thanks for providing all that exposition, sweetcheeks. Now scram, I have a scrimmage to win!
Demi Moore: Well as your superior officer, I'm joining this defense team!
Tom Cruise: Sure, whatever, I’m just gonna plea bargain cause I love to plea bargain as much as I love to make witty rejoinders. Also, these guys are murderers.
Demi Moore: Have you ever heard of a Code Red? Yeah, I didn’t think so.*
Tom Cruise: I am mildly intrigued, but there is softball to be played and Yoo-Hoo to be consumed and work is boring! Let’s go to Guantanamo to check some boxes.
Kevin Pollack: Better wear the whites.*
Tom Cruise: I hate the whites.*
[they all GO to GUANTANAMO where Noah Wylie is their JEEP DRIVER]
Jack Nicholson: Welcome, chums. Nice whites. I’m here to be both ingratiatingly helpful and mildly sinister.
[they GO to a LUNCH filled with MALE GLADHANDING]
Demi Moore: I have some actual questions about what went down here.
Tom Cruise: Hey, shut up.
Jack Nicholson: Let her speak, but first let me tell you boys about how nice it is when powerful women blow you.
[he STARES Demi DOWN with his PERVERT BROWS but she is UNRUFFLED]
Tom Cruise: Yikes. I mean...yeah, women, amirite? Oh, before we go I’d like the dead guy's files, if that’s cool.
Jack Nicholson: You have to ask me nicely.*
Tom Cruise: That was weird. And this file is also weird. I feel like something is missing…but I still just want to plea bargain, cause there are pickup basketball games to attend!
[they MEET with their CLIENTS who are very MILITARISTIC and OPAQUE but EVENTUALLY say that they were ORDERED to do a Code Red which means you BEAT the SHIT out of your BROTHER-IN-ARMS to MAKE him HAPPIER and more PRODUCTIVE]
Kevin Bacon: I’m the prosecutor on this case and since you’re my b-ball bro, I’ll do you a solid and plead them down to two years if you don’t mention this “Code Red” nonsense.
Tom Cruise: Great! Let’s wrap this up, soldiers.
The Alpha Soldier: No. We did nothing wrong. We were ordered, and you follow orders.
Demi Moore: To trial it is!
Tom Cruise: Aw MAN, now I have to work! Good thing I’m the most brilliant litigator to never try a case.
[he and Demi and Kevin Pollack PREPARE for the CASE in MONTAGE FORM and we SEE Cruise’s GENIUS BLOSSOM]
Tom Cruise: I will put on this uniform and be very handsome cause let’s be honest, I really am. Time to trial!
[he MAKES a VERY SORKIN-Y opening statement to DEMONSTRATE his COCKSURE COURTROOM STYLE]
Kevin Bacon: I call to the stand many “hey, it’s that guy!” witnesses, including Cuba Gooding Jr. and Christopher Guest.
[Tom Cruise is BRILLIANT all the TIME in his REBUTTALS]
Demi Moore: It’s going GREAT.
[the BETA defendant TAKES the STAND and RUINS EVERYTHING]
Tom Cruise: Goddammit Demi Moore, why didn’t you prep him better? You're supposed to be the Hermione of this operation!
Demi Moore: Well Kevin Pollack is actually the one who is supposed to pr-
Tom Cruise: NO, YOUR FAULT.
Demi Moore: Want to go on a date?
[they DO and have the LEAST amount of CHEMISTRY ever RECORDED on FILM and it is NEVER SPOKEN of AGAIN]
Demi Moore: I still believe in our extremely unwinnable case with no witnesses or proof of anything.
Tom Cruise: Great! Let’s wrap this up, soldiers.
The Alpha Soldier: No. We did nothing wrong. We were ordered, and you follow orders.
Demi Moore: To trial it is!
Tom Cruise: Aw MAN, now I have to work! Good thing I’m the most brilliant litigator to never try a case.
[he and Demi and Kevin Pollack PREPARE for the CASE in MONTAGE FORM and we SEE Cruise’s GENIUS BLOSSOM]
Tom Cruise: I will put on this uniform and be very handsome cause let’s be honest, I really am. Time to trial!
[he MAKES a VERY SORKIN-Y opening statement to DEMONSTRATE his COCKSURE COURTROOM STYLE]
Kevin Bacon: I call to the stand many “hey, it’s that guy!” witnesses, including Cuba Gooding Jr. and Christopher Guest.
[Tom Cruise is BRILLIANT all the TIME in his REBUTTALS]
Demi Moore: It’s going GREAT.
[the BETA defendant TAKES the STAND and RUINS EVERYTHING]
Tom Cruise: Goddammit Demi Moore, why didn’t you prep him better? You're supposed to be the Hermione of this operation!
Demi Moore: Well Kevin Pollack is actually the one who is supposed to pr-
Tom Cruise: NO, YOUR FAULT.
Demi Moore: Want to go on a date?
[they DO and have the LEAST amount of CHEMISTRY ever RECORDED on FILM and it is NEVER SPOKEN of AGAIN]
Demi Moore: I still believe in our extremely unwinnable case with no witnesses or proof of anything.
[they LOSE a KEY WITNESS and Tom Cruise GETS DRUNK and FLAILS around in a MANNER that SUGGESTS he has NEVER actually been DRUNK in his LIFE]
Demi Moore: Call Jack Nicholson to the stand. He says that he was going to transfer the murder victim but we both know that’s not true.
Tom Cruise: No, we will literally go to prison if we so much as suggest he did anything untoward because apparently he is King of Navy. YA DUMB.
Kevin Pollack: Your father was the greatest lawyer in history but I would still have you defend me over him because you are just that amazing at lawyering.
Tom Cruise: You have found my weak spot because I am Tom Cruise in a Tom Cruise movie and a Tom Cruise movie just ain't a Tom Cruise movie unless I, Tom Cruise, has some kind of issue with my father, Tom Cruise Sr. Bring me my thinking bat!
[his MAGIC BAT gives him the KEY to the CASE]
Tom Cruise: I call Jack Nicholson to the stand!
Jack Nicholson: Here I am, to intimidate the shit out of you and calmly answer all of your “gotcha” questions about suitcase-packing. Adequately rattled? Are we done here?
Tom Cruise: I didn’t dismiss you yet. Sit down.
Jack Nicholson: Oh HELL no. Time to bring out the big Nicholson guns. You want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall.*
[he Nicholsons SO HARD]
Tom Cruise: Well look out, old timer, cause I’m gonna Cruise the hell out of you. I want the TRUTH!*
[he Cruises his FACE OFF]
Jack Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH,* whatever that means! It was I that ordered the Code Red!
Demi Moore: Call Jack Nicholson to the stand. He says that he was going to transfer the murder victim but we both know that’s not true.
Tom Cruise: No, we will literally go to prison if we so much as suggest he did anything untoward because apparently he is King of Navy. YA DUMB.
Kevin Pollack: Your father was the greatest lawyer in history but I would still have you defend me over him because you are just that amazing at lawyering.
Tom Cruise: You have found my weak spot because I am Tom Cruise in a Tom Cruise movie and a Tom Cruise movie just ain't a Tom Cruise movie unless I, Tom Cruise, has some kind of issue with my father, Tom Cruise Sr. Bring me my thinking bat!
[his MAGIC BAT gives him the KEY to the CASE]
Tom Cruise: I call Jack Nicholson to the stand!
Jack Nicholson: Here I am, to intimidate the shit out of you and calmly answer all of your “gotcha” questions about suitcase-packing. Adequately rattled? Are we done here?
Tom Cruise: I didn’t dismiss you yet. Sit down.
Jack Nicholson: Oh HELL no. Time to bring out the big Nicholson guns. You want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall.*
[he Nicholsons SO HARD]
Tom Cruise: Well look out, old timer, cause I’m gonna Cruise the hell out of you. I want the TRUTH!*
[he Cruises his FACE OFF]
Jack Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH,* whatever that means! It was I that ordered the Code Red!
Tom Cruise: I….didn’t think that would happen.
[EVERYONE is BLOWN AWAY]
Kevin Bacon: Uh...I think we have to arrest you now, Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: Wait, what?
Jury Foreman: The defendants are not guilty.
Judge: But they are dishonorably discharged.
The Beta Soldier: What does that mean? We didn’t do anything wrong!
The Alpha Soldier: It was our duty to protect that dead wimp. We deserve this.
Tom Cruise: You don't need a badge on your arm to have honor.*
[they SALUTE each other RESPECTFULLY and I CRIED a LITTLE?]
[the movie ENDS ABRUPTLY and we have NO IDEA what happens to ANY of these PEOPLE and I have some FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS]
Kevin Bacon: Uh...I think we have to arrest you now, Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: Wait, what?
Jury Foreman: The defendants are not guilty.
Judge: But they are dishonorably discharged.
The Beta Soldier: What does that mean? We didn’t do anything wrong!
The Alpha Soldier: It was our duty to protect that dead wimp. We deserve this.
Tom Cruise: You don't need a badge on your arm to have honor.*
[they SALUTE each other RESPECTFULLY and I CRIED a LITTLE?]
[the movie ENDS ABRUPTLY and we have NO IDEA what happens to ANY of these PEOPLE and I have some FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS]
*actual line from movie
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