Guest Post: The Hurt Locker

Okay, I don't want to set a precedent here of fan-submitted UCMs, because then I might have to be like "no, I ain't like this" and make you feel sad. And no one wants that. But GUYS. Raych, of the super-hilarious and informative Books I Done Read, has submitted this one and let me tell you: it is fan-effing-tastic. If you submit something, make sure it is this great.

I also want to take this moment to point out that the porn title in last week's ep of 30 Rock for this movie was The Pert Knockers. It was not spoken, it just showed up behind Jack on the Kabletown guide. That is all. Enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[It is IRAQ]

That Guy from Memento: War is kind of fun! Let’s make some dick jokes.

Anthony Mackie: Ok. Hey, the hastily-cobbled-together wagon we sent to go set off that bomb fell apart.

That Guy from Memento: I’ll put on the bomb-repellant suit and go set it off myself. I’m the Team Leader, so you sort of assume that I’m not going to get killed because you’ve forgotten that I’m not really in that one trailer you saw.

Me: [assumes he’s not going to get killed (see: above)]

[The bomb EXPLODES and he is KILLED, illustrating both that this job is DANGEROUS and that the SUIT will not SAVE you.]

[It is LATER at the ARMY BASE and there is LOUD MUSIC]

Anthony Mackie: Uh, hey.

Jeremy Renner: What is UP? I am your new Team Leader. I am going to remove this plywood that blocks this window, even though it’s supposed to protect us from air raids, because I am a RECKLESS MAVERICK.

Anthony Mackie: Ok.

[They go on several MISSIONS to defuse BOMBS and Jeremy Renner is SUPER GOOD at defusing BOMBS, but also prone to doing RECKLESS THINGS like taking off his HEADSET and tugging UNNECESSARILY HARD on WIRES that are attached to BOMBS and not wearing the BOMB-REPELLANT SUIT.]

Jeremy Renner: [sets off a smoke flare for no reason except so that his team can’t SEE HIM to make sure none of the INSURGENTS attack his ass, which is sort of their JOB]

Me: Now that’s just silly.

Brian Geraghty: Hello? I haven’t really done much til now, but I’d just like to mention that I’m also on this team? Also, I’m very very frightened of dying in battle, FYI.

[They run into some OTHER AMERICANS in the DESERT who have a FLAT TIRE and they BANTER for COMIC RELIEF and it is actually FUCKING HILARIOUS but then they are SHOT at by IRAQIS and have to HUNKER DOWN in a CREVASSE of SAND.]

Jeremy Renner: Now I will show my TRUE COLORS as Team Leader, by being really gentle and soothing with Brian Geraghty, who is sort of losing his shit, and by giving my juice pack to Anthony Mackie even though I’m obviously REALLY THIRSTY. See my human side!

[They KILL the Iraqis DEAD and Jeremy Renner is ACTUALLY SORT OF GOOD at LEADING.]

Me: [is still sort of fed up with him]

Jeremy Renner: Fine, how about I make friends with this Iraqi kid named Beckham? Look, I let him win at soccer.

Me: [relents, because kids winning at soccer are cute]

[They go to a suspected BOMB SITE where the BOMB is inside a DEAD KID who is OBVIOUSLY not BECKHAM but who JEREMY RENNER thinks IS]

Jeremy Renner: Aghhhhh! My human side! It burns!

[He sends everyone OUT and sheds some MANLY TEARS. He goes on a RAMPAGE to find the ones RESPONSIBLE but INSTEAD meets a VERY NICE Iraqi professor and is BEATEN UP by the professor’s WIFE and it is RANDOM]

[They go to ANOTHER bomb site and it is NIGHT and there is basically just a lot of SHRIEKING and FLAMES.]

Anthony Mackie: Well, this bomb has already gone off, so I’m not sure why we’re here.

Brian Geraghty: [concurs]

Jeremy Renner: I AM ADDICTED TO ADRENALINE! Plus I just got beat up by a professor’s wife. Let’s split up in the dark and try to find some bad guys.

Anthony Mackie: Um, no?

Jeremy Renner: [pulls rank]

Anthony Mackie: [obeys, because he is a GOOD SOLDIER]

[They SPLIT UP and Brian Geraghty is CAPTURED by BAD GUYS and they SAVE HIM but Jeremy Renner accidentally SHOOTS HIM in the LEG.]

[It is LATER and Brian Geraghty is being HELICOPTERED out of IRAQ.]

Brian Geraghty: I’m actually really pissed about this. You think this is where I say something chummy to demonstrate how close we’ve grown despite your recklessness, but I am seriously choked.

[Jeremy Renner sees Beckham and realizes that the DEAD KID was NOT Beckham and this proves…SOMETHING.]

[They go to YET ANOTHER BOMB SITE, but this time it is STRAPPED to a GUY]

Guy (via Translator): I wish I had not strapped on this bomb? Please help. I have children.

Jeremy Renner: No problem, I will just cut this bomb-cage off of you with bolt cutters, except shit, there is a timer and not a lot of minutes on it.

[He takes WAY TOO LONG to EXPLAIN to the guy that he CAN’T cut off the BOMB in time, which SEEMS sort of POINTLESS because the guy will be DEAD in a few seconds ANYWAYS, plus the TRANSLATOR is now WAY OVER THERE.]

Guy: [explodes]

Jeremy Renner: I have failed at something for the first time ever. I AM SO CONFLICTED.

Anthony Mackie: I’m not really sure why this needs saying, but I don’t enjoy almost dying every day.

Jeremy Renner: I…sort of enjoy almost dying every day? NOW I AM MORE CONFLICTED.

[Their TOUR of DUTY is OVER. Jeremy Renner goes HOME and raises his SON with his WIFE and grows a SKEEVY MOUSTACHE and it is BORING.]

Jeremy Renner: Oh son of mine, you love your mobile and your parents and your blanket, but I only love one thing and that’s defusing bombs.

[Jeremy Renner is in an ARMY PLANE wearing FATIGUES and looking RESOLUTE.]