This was actually already published a while back on this blog. But I love it so, and I need you guys to read it again.
[it is the 1960s]
Kelly: Give me my money, you bastard!!!
Pimp: I'm drunk! Please stop hitting me with your purse!
[her WIG flies off, which only makes her ANGRIER]
Kelly: My bald head!! The shame!! Give me my money!!
[she STORMS out, allowing a TIME SHIFT to two YEARS later]
Griff: Seeing as how I'm the top cop in this one-horse town, I like to hang around the bus station chatting and seeing what low-lifes might come in on the b--WHAAAA?
[he sees Kelly, who is TOTALLY FOXY]
Griff: So...you in town on business?
Kelly: Yep. Angel Foam. It's champagne. Ten bucks a bottle.
[it is OBVIOUS that she is a WHORE]
Griff: Well...that's dirt cheap. I'll take you. I mean it.
[they go back to HIS PLACE and ostensibly BONE, though they are FULLY DRESSED afterward]
Griff: Go check out this one place, Candy's. She'll have a place for a woman like you. But not around here. We'll get along like noise and a hangover* if you try to peddle your trade here, though I just partook in the sweet, sweet product you sell.
[Kelly walks around town and finds a HOUSE that has a sign advertising a PLEASANT ROOM for rent]
Kelly: [nodding in approval] Perhaps I could mend my whorish ways here.
Josephine the Seamstress: Welcome. You can rent this room, where I store a mannequin that represents my dead husband. I talk to it sometimes. You can if you like.
Kelly: I am not in any way creeped out by that. I'll take it. By the way, who's this "Grant" character I've heard so much about?
Josephine: He's a wonderful man. His great-grandfather founded our town. Also, he funded a hospital for crippled children. Also, he is BFF with Griff, the cop.
Kelly: Crippled children, eh? That sounds like a one-way ticket to redemption!
[she somehow gets a JOB at the hospital, though her only WORK EXPERIENCE is WHORING]
Hospital Staff: We love you, Kelly! You are an angel!
[she HELPS her KNOCKED-UP coworker]
Buff, another coworker: So I think I might become a whore over at Candy's. Look, she even gave me $25 in advance.
[she CONFRONTS Candy and stuffs the DIRTY MONEY in her mouth]
Some Other Coworker: Let's go to a party at Mr. Grant's house.
[they go, and Grant gives Kelly a PRESENT, though he has JUST MET her]
Grant: You are beautiful. Allow me to show you my vacation footage from Venice in a seductive manner on my leopard-print couch.
[the camera PANS into the light of the PROJECTOR to indicate that they are DOING IT]
Grant: Kelly is the woman of my dreams!
Griff: Hmmm. This is fishy to me.
Kelly: Grant, I must tell you - I was a prostitute.
Grant: No biggie. Marry me. A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a wine bottle.*
Griff: What?!? You can't marry her!!
Kelly: I told him everything about my past! He loves me! I'm going to surprise him at home to cook him dinner!
[she GOES to his HOUSE and sees a SMALL GIRL running out who has APPARENTLY just been MOLESTED]
Grant: See? We're both perverts, because pedophilia and prostitution are exactly the same!
[Kelly FREAKS OUT and hits him on the head with a PHONE, killing him]
Griff: Ha HA! I see what happened! He wanted to call off the wedding because you're a WHORE!!
Kelly: No! There was a little girl! He's a child molester!
Candy: She told me she was going to blackmail him!
Kelly: Shut up, liar!
Candy: Nobody stuffs dirty money in my mouth.*
[no one will HELP Kelly, but then Buff REALIZES she needs to HELP her]
Griff: Okay, gather up all the blonde girls.
Cop that Looks Like Dennis Kucinich: Is this her?
[he PARADES, like, 20 girls in until FINALLY...]
Kelly: Yes! That's her!
Griff: Though you are a whore, you have saved our town's children. Thanks. And bye.
[she GOES on her WAY, because a WHORE is always a WHORE, even when she kills a CHILD MOLESTER]