Guys and Dolls

When your mom requests an ultra-condensed version of a movie, you kind of have to do it.
~~~
[it is NEW YORK in the OLDEN DAYS]
Some Gamblers: Yo! Check out these horses! They are going to win! They are going to win so hard, that I am going to sing all about it!
[they DO, in FUGUE form]
Save-a-Soul Band: No! Gambling is bad!
[they MARCH around to show the EVILS of SINNING]
Frank Sinatra: It's me, Old Blue Eyes. Except I'm not old. But still awesome. And also, I cannot find a place in which to hold my crap game, a crap game which I have hosted for a long time. I do not know what I shall do.
[he SINGS about his CRAP GAME and how it MOVES AROUND]
Marlon Brando: I'm here, in town, to bet on things. I will bet on anything. Except perhaps a card that will squirt apple juice in your ear.
Frank Sinatra: What about cheesecake? Or strudel? Or my tie? I JUST HAVE TO GAMBLE. I HAVE A PROBLEM. Wait!! I have it. I bet you can't take that Save-a-Soul doll to Havana.
Marlon Brando: DONE AND DONE.
[meanwhile, at the HOT BOX, which may or may not be some sort of INNUENDO]
Miss Adelaide: Marry me! Seriously! We've been engaged FORRRREEEVVVVERRRRRR. My parents think we have kids! This is ridiculous! But first I have to go do this mostly gratuitous, yet awesome production number.
[she and her girls STRIP in a manner that was probably SCANDALOUS at the time]
Marlon Brando: Hey, baby, wanna go to Havana? I am just a poor gambling man who wants to take a pretty doll on a date.
Jean Simmons: No, please go away. I do not like the company of men such as you. In fact, I am so aware of the type of man I will fall in love with, that I will sing about it.
[she DOES, and he JOINS IN, and they sing a SONG about NOT LOVING each other, even though OBVIOUSLY they will EVENTUALLY]
Marlon Brando: Listen, if you come to Havana with me, I will bring some sinners to your mission, and then the mission will not fail. It's a win-win situation.
[they go to HAVANA and she ges DRUNK on RUM MILK that is served in COCONUTS]
Cubans: We have fiery Latin blood! We start fights at the smallest provocation!
[there is a HUGE FIGHT and they ESCAPE out the WINDOW]
Jean Simmons: I love you now! Thanks, Cuba! You have removed the stick from my ass! I just wanna sing about it! Bells ringing and whatnot! Metaphors involving everything, including salad! Who's ever heard of a metaphor that uses SALAD?!?!
[they RETURN to New York and find the GAMBLERS in the MISSION and everyone is like SHIT]
Marlon Brando: Gah! I better round up those sinners for real.
[meanwhile, at the HOT BOX]
Miss Adelaide: Here is some more dancing. And nagging about marriage. That's kind of how I roll.
[they dress up as CATS and their COSTUMES are every little girl's DREAM if that little girl REALLY LIKES COSTUMES]
Big Julie: I'm going to use my blank dice. But I remember where the spots were.
Frank Sinatra: Uhhhh...that's...cool...I guess.
Marlon Brando: Guys! I need your souls! I need them so badly that I will bet you guys on this ONE ROLL OF THE DICE. This moment is so dramatic that a song is required.
[he SINGS about LADY LUCK and the gamblers DANCE in the SEWER and it is sort of GAY but you don't REALLY notice how GAY it is because they are GAMBLERS]
Jean Simmons: That gambler stole my heart! And made a mockery of this mission! I can't believe he made a bet that he could take me to Cuba. I will never forgiv--OH!
[a LOT of gamblers FILE IN because they LOST a BET but they're THERE so they might as well SING, which they DO]
Nicely Nicely: Yes, at one point in the chorus, I say the words "sharp lapels of my checkered coat." Try THAT three times fast.
Jean Simmons: Oh, maybe you are not a welcher, Sky Masterson. I have seen the light. You paid $1000 because you felt bad about betting on me. Lets get married.
Frank Sinatra: Okay, Miss Adelaide, I'll marry you! I have somehow bridged a gap that I was not able to bridge for 14 years.
[they have a DOUBLE WEDDING that proves that you can call it SAD or call it FUNNY, but it's better than EVEN MONEY that the GUY'S only doin' it FOR SOME DOLL]