Derailed

[it is CHICAGO]

Clive Owen: My suburban life is so boring. I have a really hot wife, and a smart kid, and a sweet bull terrier, but I'm just so - blah.

His Daughter: Dad! Help me with my book report! And my expository insulin, so everyone knows I'm diabetic!

[he gets on the TRAIN, but his WIFE took all his CASH, so he can't PAY for his TICKET]

Jennifer Aniston: Yes, I know that the whole train is staring at my legs, but I'll pay for your ticket.

Clive Owen: I will pay you back tomorrow. But I will never smile.

One of the Wu-Tang Clan: Yo! My man! I work in the mailroom and we talk about sports! I used to be in a gang or something!

Clive Owen: You are a good man, though you have braids in your hair.

[the NEXT day]

Clive Owen: Here's your money. I have a daughter with diabetes.

Jennifer Aniston: I also have a daughter. Now we have bonded over the fact that we both have daughters.

Clive Owen: Perhaps we should have sex, based on this bonding experience.

[they get in a CAB to get a ROOM]

Jennifer Aniston: No! I can't!

[she gets OUT of the CAB]

Cliver Owen: Look, a seedy hotel.

Jennifer Aniston: My mind is changed by your pointing at that hotel.

[they get a ROOM and start to BONE and a dude BUSTS in the DOOR and holds them at GUNPOINT and RAPES her and CLOCKS him]

Bad Guy from Ocean's Twelve: Mais oui! I have beat you up and now you are beholden to me!!

Jennifer Aniston: My husband will kill me if he finds out we had an affair! He'll keep my daughter from me!

Clive Owen: Fine. No police.

Bad Guy from OT: Give me $20,000!

Clive Owen: Okay.

Bad Guy from OT: Okay, now give me $100,000!!

Clive Owen: But that's the money my wife and I saved for a new experimental treatment for my daughter's diabetes!

Wu-Tang Dude: Look, I'ma scare this muthafucka for you, aight? I was in JAIL. I KNOW SHIT. Here's a shank I made in prison. You can have it. For luck.

[they go to the DOCKS or something and the Wu-Tang Dude ends up SHOT in the HEAD and it is SAD because he was NICE]

Clive Owen: Shiiiiiiiiiiit.

Bad Guy from OT: Where's my money? I have your girl here. Come to this condo and give me my money.

[he GOES to the CONDO and gives him the MONEY in a BRIEFCASE and it is TRAGIC because the MONEY is for his KID]

Detective: Somebody killed my friend, the Wu-Tang Dude.

Clive Owen: NOT ME!!!! I mean...not me. This guilt is too much. I'm going to confess. But I better check in with Jennifer Aniston first.

Receptionist: Sure, she's right there. [she points to a BLACK LADY]

Clive Owen: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

[he goes to the CONDO and it is VACANT and the picture of the DAUGHTER that Jennifer Aniston SHOWED him is on the FRONT of the RENTAL CATALOG]

Clive Owen: She used my parenthood to bamboozle me! This means war.

[he SEES he with the BAD GUY and they are MAKING OUT and it was ALL a SET-UP]

Clive Owen: Time for revenge.

[he CLOCKS the BAD GUY and then INTERRUPTS the CON and basically EVERYONE but

HIM ends up SHOT]

Clive Owen: I believe that's my briefcase.

[he gets his MONEY and you're like YEAH]

His Boss: You embezzled $10,000!

Clive Owen: I was going to pay it back!

[he gets COMMUNITY SERVICE, which means TEACHING in a PRISON]

Clive Owen: I'll just read this homework while you convicts...what's this? This story in this blue book is just like my story. Perhaps the bad dude is in this prison.

The Story: ...and when he finished reading, he went to the laundry room.

[he goes to the LAUNDRY ROOM]

Bad Guy from OT: Bonjour. I am still alive. You ended up at the wrong prison, mon ami.

Clive Owen: I chose this prison.*

[he STABS him with the SHIV and it is VERY SATISFYING]

Clive Owen: Honey? I'm home. And everything's cool.