The Duchess

[it is ENGLAND, in OLDEN TIMES]

Keira Knightley: Ha ha ha ha ha! Being an aristocrat is so very droll! Ladies, let us make a wager on these gentlemen as they race around our large estate for our amusement. I shall make a wager on that fine specimen there. My life is so free and easy! Ha ha!

The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: I shall win for you, my lady.

[meanwhile, in the SUMPTUOUS HOUSE]

Ralph Fiennes: I'd like to marry your daughter, please. And she needs to give me a son. Stat. I'll even pay her once she has delivered me one.

Charlotte Rampling: How lovely. My daughter. A whore. But a legitimate whore!

[Keira Knightley's FACE is shown in CLOSE-UP for like A YEAR]

Ralph Fiennes: Now, to the business of making me a son.

[he DISROBES her by CUTTING her DRESS and they BONE, in an EXTREMELY AWKWARD fashion]

Keira Knightley: My. Being a duchess is difficult, as I am a high-spirited and intelligent lady. Here, let me prove it.

[she SASSES some POLITICIANS at a DINNER and GAMBLES a lot and wears FABULOUS clothes]

Society: Oh, we love her! And her fashions.

Ralph Fiennes: We're going to take in this child. I have spoken my decree.

Keira Knightley: Is this your bastard child? Well, whatevs, I will love her anyway. Also, I will soon have a son for you!

[she has a BABY, but it is ONLY A GIRL]

Keira Knightley: I love you anyway, baby. I love you so much I will name you after me. But when I have your sister, I will call her Harryo, which is not really a real name.

[SIX YEARS LATER, they go to a PARTY in BATH, because that is LITERALLY all they did back then]

Keira Knightley: Oh. Hello there. I saw my rakish husband speaking with you just now. Was he asking you for a roll in the hay?

Lady Bess: Oh, no, he just asked me to dance.

Keira Knightley: Ha ha! I'm sure he wanted more than just a dance, especially with those bosoms. What say you and I be best friends?

[they are BFF, like, INSTANTLY]

Lady Bess: I have nowhere to live!

Keira Knightley: Live with us!

[they MAKE OUT a little bit]

Ralph Fiennes: Hmm. Since my wife apparently does not enjoy intercourse with me, I shall sleep with her slutty friend with the incredible rack.

[they get CAUGHT]

Keira Knightley: I shall shout at you, because the louder I shout, the better I act! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???

Lady Bess: Look, we weren't trying to hurt you. Why don't we all just live here together? Hmm?

[that is ACTUALLY what they DO]

The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: Oh. Hey. I'm back in the picture now, and I still love you.

[they BONE, but in a HOT way]

Ralph Fiennes: End this affair!

Keira Knightley: No!

Ralph Fiennes: This will be the mistake of your life!*

Keira Knightley: No, I made that mistake many years ago.* BURNNNNNN!!!

Ralph Fiennes: Fine, then I'll prevent you from seeing your kids.

Keira Knightley: Noooooooo!!

[she gets DRUNK and sets her WIG on FIRE]

Ralph Fiennes: Please put Her Grace's hair out.*

The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: GEORGIANA!!! GEORGIANA!! I'M IN THE HALL! COME OUT HERE!

Keira Knightley: Look, I'm pregnant with your child, but this is all super-scandalous. I'm going away to the country.

Lady Bess: I'm coming with you. If you'll have me. Since I basically stole your husband.

Keira Knightley: We're cool.

[she gives BIRTH but has to give the BABY to her BABY DADDY'S family to avoid a SCANDAL]

Society: Welcome back! We have missed your fashions.

Keira Knightley: And I have missed your adoration. And my wigs.

Title on screen: Everything turned out all right for everybody, considering how fucked-up the whole love triangle thing was. Lady Bess married the Duke after the Duchess died. And the boyfriend from Mamma Mia! became Prime Minister* eventually.

*of hottness