Six Days, Seven Nights

[it is NEW YORK]

Anne Heche: My, my, my! My life is so busy! Busy all the time! Busy like one of those little animals in a Richard Scarry book!!

David Schwimmer: But honey...I got us tickets to a remote island vacation. To de-stress you.

Allison Janney: And he already approved it with me, your boss!

Anne Heche: Yes! This is exactly what my life needs!

[they go to TAHITI and have to go on a TINY PLANE to get to the REMOTE ISLAND]

Harrison Ford: Well, hey there. Need a ride?

[the PLANE drips some OIL]

Anne Heche: Uh...

Harrison Ford: We're your only option.

David Schwimmer: Is there a PROBLEM here? Could I BE more neurotic? Oh, wait, no, that's Matthew Perry's intonation. I get him and me mixed up sometimes.

Harrison Ford: Let's go! I am a cocky, cocky pilot, with a hot, hot girlfriend!

Anne Heche: I am amused by you.

[they go to the island WITHOUT INCIDENT]

Anne Heche: It is so nice to sit here and relax without the cares of the world!

Harrison Ford: Hello, pretty lady...

[he FALLS off his BAR STOOL]

Anne Heche: Okay, great. Now we have established that a) you are attracted to me and b) you are not to be trusted. Let's get the goddamn plot going.

Allison Janney: Oh! That's my whole purpose! Spurring the plot! Yes! Okay. You need to go to a photo shoot. Just for a day. You're the closest one. And to make this extremely 90s, the photo shoot is with Evander Holyfield and Vendela! VENDELA!

Anne Heche: But...this means I have to get a ride with the drunken, leering pilot. God.

Harrison Ford: $700? I'll do it. I'm the best you've ever been with.*

Anne Heche: Ha. A sexual innuendo. How droll.

[they get LOST in a STORM and CRASH on a DIFFERENT, REMOTER island]

Anne Heche: Even though we are in a seriously life-threatening situation, I am going to act like a harpy!

Harrison Ford: And I will vacillate between hating you and being seriously attracted to you!

[she gets a SNAKE in her PANTS and although she could LITERALLY DIE from being bitten by it, it is used as a CUTE ENCOUNTER]

Harrison Ford: I think there's a beacon on this mountain.

[they CLIMB it and there is NO BEACON]

Anne Heche: Look! A boat!

[it is PIRATES]

Anne Heche: Wait, pirates? Like, pirates pirates?

[they get CHASED by the PIRATES]

Harrison Ford: Nothing quite gets me going like being chased by pirates. Though we are in danger for our lives, let's have a romantic evening.

Anne Heche: But we can never be together.

Harrison Ford: Oh well. Let's bone anyway.

[meanwhile, on the LESS REMOTE ISLAND]

David Schwimmer: My fiancee is missing!! We must find her!!

Harrison Ford's Hot Girlfriend: Yes! And my man is also missing!

David Schwimmer: Maybe we can comfort each other.

[predictably, they BONE]

David Schwimmer: Now I am racked with guilt, an emotion I play with Olivier-like intensity and Pauly-Shore-like skill.

[back on the MORE REMOTE ISLAND]

Harrison Ford: Look! Pontoons! We can rig our plane with pontoons and fly to safety, though the radio is busted and we don't know where we are!

[there is a FIXING THE PLANE MONTAGE]

Pirates: Arrrrrrr!

Anne Heche: The pirates! Let's go!

[they FLY back, just as their LOVED ONES are having a FUNERAL for them]

Anne Heche: Well, bye.

Harrison Ford: Yeah...bye.

[he thinks BETTER of his DECISION and RUNS to the AIRPORT, where she is ON THE PLANE for HOME but has DE-PLANED just in TIME and they are HAPPY because when you RUN to the AIRPORT to TELL someone you LOVE them, you live HAPPILY ever AFTER]