I did the teen sensation version of this a while back, but Laura McClain has brought us the original. Also, don't forget about the other version of this story, which apparently takes place in a topsy-turvy world where Colin Firth and John Malkovich can somehow play the same role.~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is FRANCE, in RESTORATION TIMES, where NOBODY has an ACCENT]
Glenn Close: Come, servants. Powder and bustle me.
[she is CORSETED and PLUMED]
John Malkovich: Yeah, me too. Fop me up.
[they GAZE at each other with SEXUAL MISCHIEF in their EYES]
Glenn Close: Ah, Valmont. Playing endless games of whist and posing on chaise lounges can be ever so dull. What say we ruin some lives today?
John Malkovich: You read my mind, my wicked friend slash former lover.
Glenn Close: Another one of former lovers is going to marry a stupid teenage virgin. Pop that cherry, would you? He shall be ever so pissed.
John Malkovich: I refuse, not because I am gay, as you might assume from the way I walk, talk and behave, but because that conquest is too easy for a man of my sexiness.
Audience: Ew.
[Uma Thurman PAYS a VISIT with her mom, SWOOZIE KURTZ]
John Malkovich: That’s her? Sold. But I’m also planning to hit this soldier’s wife who prides herself on her faithfulness. Seducing her shall be my masterpiece.
Glenn Close: Care to make it interesting? If you succeed, you can have sex with me, too, as a reward.
[she DOES not SAY “you can put it anywhere” but it is STRONGLY IMPLIED]
John Malkovich: Hurrah. Let the games begin.
[it is WEIRD, for though they are GOOD ACTORS, you don’t REALLY want to see them have SEXYTIMES]
Glenn Close: Ah, the opera. The perfect place to see and be seen. Hello, Uma Thurman. Let’s be best friends, shall we? I have no ulterior motives.
Uma Thurman: Hooray! Friends!
[Keanu Reeves ENTERS and it is REMINISCENT of when Bill and Ted TRAVELED to medieval times and PRETENDED to be KNIGHTS]
Keanu Reeves: Whoa.
Glenn Close: Perhaps this young music teacher could instruct your daughter, Swoozie? I’m taking a normal amount of interest in your family. Nothing suspicious here!
[Keanu and Uma GAZE at each OTHER in an OBVIOUS MANNER]
[MEANWHILE, in the COUNTY…]
John Malkovich: Hello, virtuous woman. How very droll that we are staying at the same country house. Ha ha!
Michelle Pfeiffer: Dude, I already know all about your reputation. Also, you look like a serial killer.
John Malkovich: Blast! This shall prove a difficult game to play. While I plan my next strategic move, I’ll bone the virgin, who has conveniently come to visit.
Glenn Close: Use her love for Keanu to seduce her.
[Malkovich CONVINCES poor, DUMB Uma to GIVE him the KEY to her ROOM and then BASICALLY RAPES her]
Uma Thurman: It’s okay that you forced me to have sex with you, because you’re super good at it! And now I am too!
[she WRITHES AROUND]
John Malkovich: Hello, Michelle Pfeiffer. Ah, I see you’re doing charity work! I also love charity work. And praying. Praying is the best.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I am falling for this, for some reason.
John Malkovich: So, now that I’ve convinced you that I am a kind man, I must tell you that I LOVE YOU AND I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU AND I LOVE YOU.
Michelle Pfeiffer: Gah! No! You must not! I am struggling with so many feelings! Go away! Come back! No, go! No, have sex with me!
John Malkovich: I have her right where I want her. But wait! What is this….feeling? It’s not angry, or even hungry.** I must flee!
Glenn Close: You love her. Ohhhhhh, this shall not stand.
[they have an ACTING FIGHT about PASSION and it is SEMI-HOT but MOSTLY GROSS]
Glenn Close: I shall take a lover to spite him.
Keanu Reeves: WHOA.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I submit. Let’s have sex whilst I weep copiously, basically making this Rape #2.
[they DO it and it is NOT ROMANTIC]
Glenn Close: I can’t believe you love this woman. You’ve gone soft, Valmont! Your reputation will be destroyed!
John Malkovich: Nooo! Without my reputation and my wigs I am nothing!
[he GIVES Michelle Pfeiffer the BRUSH-OFF, though he LOVES her]
Michelle Pfeiffer: [GOES BALLISTIC]
Michelle Pfeiffer: I am dying of grief. Literally.
[doctors put HOT CUPS on her BACK to CURE her of her MALKOVICH LOVE]
Keanu Reeves: Malkovich! I heard that you balled Uma! This shall not stand!
[they have a REALLY LONG swordfight, and Keanu STABS him GOOD]
John Malkovich: Come closer, Keanu. While I slowly bleed to death, I shall give you this speech about love. Tell Michelle Pfeiffer that my time with her was the only happy time I ever had. But more importantly, call out Glenn Close to society for being a mega-bitch.
Keanu Reeves: Okay.
[he DIES, his head LOLLING to the SIDE in a REALISTIC MANNER]
Glenn Close: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I will break everything in my house! I guess I loved him after all!
[at the OPERA, where SOCIETY GATHERS]
All of Society, Upon Seeing Glenn Close: Boooooo! BOOOOOOOOO!*
[Glenn Close GOES home and TAKES her MAKEUP off and it is COOL]
**copyright GOB Bluth
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