Ultra-Condensed Movies

[it is PRETEND NEW YORK]
Carrie: We're baaaaaaaaaaaaack! And wearing crazier dresses than ever.
Charlotte: OMG A WEDDING I LIVE FOR WEDDINGS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE GAY WEDDINGS.
Samantha: I just hope there's a straight man there I can bone in the bathroom.
Miranda: Oh look: there is. WHAT A SURPRISE.
[they are all EXACTLY THE SAME except more PARODY-LIKE]
Liza Minnelli: How gay is this gay wedding? Gay enough that I am both officiating it, and performing "All the Single Ladies." So: very gay.
Big: Do we haaaaaaaaaave to go out tonight? I just want to hang out on the couch. Look! I even bought us a sweet TV!
Carrie: Nooooo we can't turn boring!! Though our lives are literally made of fantasy!!
[she puts on a SHINY JUMPSUIT]
Samantha: Hold on, I'm putting cream on my vag. Okay, what? Smith Jerrod is on the phone? And he is still very attractive? And he wants me to be his publicist again? Super!
[they go to a MOVIE PREMIERE and Miley Cyrus is there for SOME REASON]
Miranda: By the way, I hate my job, so I quit it. I guess we're not really dealing with my issues in this movie? Whatevs, as long as my hair looks cute, which it does.
Carrie: Mine does too, mostly! I'm gonna go to my old apartment, which I still own for some reason, and write for a few days.
Big: Dang, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let's bone.
[presumably, they DO, but she keeps her BRA on]
Samantha: Guess what, ladies! I just randomly got us a trip to Aaaaaaabu Dhaaaaaaaaaabi! I don't even know how I did it! I think it was my creamed-up vag, though.
Charlotte: But I have responsibilities! I need to make cupcakes while holding my child and talking on the phone and wearing vintage Valentino! THESE THINGS CANNOT WAIT.
[they BULLY her into agreeing to go]
Carrie: So off we went, halfway around the world, with 85 dresses each, and plenty of preconceived notions about the middle east. We were ready. Oh, and girls? Big and I think we might take a few days off from each other a week.
Charlotte: BUT THAT IS UNORTHODOX AND MEANS YOU DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER AND THE ONLY DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE I SUBSCRIBE TO IS THE NORMAL ONE
Carrie's Butler, because they each get a butler: I am from India and only see my wife occasionally. And we're okay.
Carrie: See? These third-world people do things differently! And they're fine. I mean, weird, but fine. Look! That girl is wearing a burqa AND eating french fries!
Charlotte: But I miss my family!!
Carrie: This is an inter-French-ion!** You have to stop thinking about your family for a second!
Charlotte: BUT I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS KIDS AND NOW HAS THEM AND LOVES THEM BUT IT'S SO HARD EVEN THOUGH I AM CRAZY RICH AND HAVE A HOT NANNY!!
Samantha: Come on, let's ride camels in Aaaaaaaaaaaaabu Dhaaaaaaaaaaaaabi! It'll be funny because we're white!
Miranda: And it will allow me to use this pun I just thought of: inter-fun-tion! It's like an intervention, but FUN! GET IT?!
[Charlotte FALLS OFF the camel and it is NOT EVEN AMUSING]
Samantha: Oh, look. A man. I would like to have sex with him.
Carrie: Lawrence of Arabia?
Samantha: More like Lawrence of my labia.*
[she BONES him in PUBLIC and gets ARRESTED, but not before:]
Carrie: Ooh, look! Shoes! I love those! It is one of my main character traits! I'm going to buy some, but first I'll put down these spices I bought before.
[she SETS the SPICES DOWN and you KNOW something BAD is going to happen LATER]
Aidan: Oh! Hey! We used to date! And now I'm extremely attractive! And somehow in a spice market in Abu Dhabi! Let's have dinner!
[they DO, and they KISS, and she tells BIG and he is KINDA MAD, she THINKS]
Carrie: Oh god! I'm having a mid-wife crisis!
Miranda: Wait...is that like...a mid-life crisis except you're a wife? Or a crisis involving a midwife? Because it really sounds like the latter, and that...doesn't make sense.
Carrie: SHUT UP, I'M PUNNING.
Miranda: We have kids! So we're getting drunk while we're here!
Charlotte: Wooooooooooo Mommy's drunk!!!!
Samantha: I got arrested for being extremely disrespectful of the culture in this country...bail me out?
[they do, and their FREE TRIP gets CANCELLED so they have to PACK real FAST]
Charlotte: Oh my god! I'm so rich I don't know how to pack!!
Samantha: Just put it in your suitcase! God!
[they try to go to the AIRPORT and she wears SHORTS, which is like, a DICK MOVE]
Some Men: Those women are disrespecting us! Follow them!
Carrie: My passport is missing! It must be with those Foreshadowing Spices from before!
[they go BACK to the market and the passport is STILL THERE, which is BASICALLY IMPOSSIBLE]
Some Men: Get back here! We have different values about women's bodies and your shorts are offending us!
A Girl in a Burqa: Come with me.
[they go into a BACK ROOM and all the women in BURQAS are wearing DESIGNER CLOTHES underneath and it is RETARDED]
Carrie: Wow! I guess we're all exactly the same in the world! Retarded! Let's ignore our significant cultural differences instead of trying to work through them.
Everyone: Yay!
[they FLY home in their PRINCESS CLASS SEATS]
Big: Oh, hey. Are we cool? I traded the sweet TV for some jewelry.
Carrie: Ladies be loving jewelry!
Miranda: I got a new job where my meetings are outside! I'm so happy!
Charlotte: I like being a mom again! But sometimes I need a break!
Samantha: I still like boning!
Everyone: We haven't changed! Don't you feel secure?
The Audience: No, it's kind of weird that you haven't changed, actually.

*I really thought she said "inter-French-ion," referring to the girl with the French fries? But the internet says it was "inter-friend-tion, which honestly makes even less sense to me, because who else but your friends would stage an intervention anyway? Isn't that the whole point of an intervention? "We love you, and we don't want you ruining your life with booze/meth/buying too many vintage dresses"? Ugh, whatever.