Guest Post: Titanic

First of all: I hated this movie from the moment I saw it. I'd like to say it was my keenly-honed sense of What Is Bad Dialogue at the age of 16, but in reality, it was probably a reaction to the hype surrounding it - the "If everyone else likes this, then it is not worth liking" reaction that I also had to Green Day when Dookie came out (who I now realize are actually pretty good) and UGG boots my freshman year of college (which I still hate). In any event, my fiery hatred of this movie (Kate Winslet notwithstanding, because I would gay-marry her in the states that allow it) means that I have not seen it one million times, and it is much easier to write one of these things for something you have seen one million times. Has Laura McClain seen this one million times? Maybe. But she has certainly captured its essence in what is one of our longer UCMs to date. We hope you enjoy.

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[it is the LATE 90s]
Bill Paxton-not-Pullman: I’m so excited to dig amongst the ruins of the Titanic! The treasures we will find!
[he PILOTS a baby SUBMARINE and DIGS through WRECKAGE with CLAW HANDS]
Bill Paxton: A trunk! This is where the diamond will be.
[there is no DIAMOND, just some MUD]
Science Worker: Look what I found while cleaning the wreckage.
[he HOLDS us a CHARCOAL drawing of a NAKED CHICK which is PRESERVED, against ALL LOGIC]
BPax: Whaaaaa? This naked chick is wearing the cheesy diamond!
[meanwhile, in the HOME of SOMEONE who has CLEARLY led a RICH and FULFILLING life]
News Report: People are still grave-robbing the Titanic. Check out the cans on this tragic shipwreck victim.
Very Old Woman: Haaaaand me the phooooone.
[she CALLS Bill Paxton, SOMEHOW]
VOW: The woman in the picture is meeeee.*
[she TRAVELS to BPax’s BOAT and GOES down to the WRECKAGE]
VOW: Even though nobody aaaasked, I will tell you my traaaagic tale. They called Titanic the ship of dreaaaaams. And it waaaas. It reaaaally was…*
[we are TRANSPORTED to the PAST via the MAGIC of a PAN FLUTE]
Kate Winslet: Pish. This ship is nowhere near as impressive as my giant hat.
Billy Zane: Ha ha! Silly Rose! This ship rules!
[they BOARD the SHIP whilst MISTREATING those of a LOWER social standing]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Fellas, me and my comically Italian friend here are gonna beat your asses in this here poker game.
Random Roughneck: Care to make it more interesting?
[he LAYS down Titanic TICKETS]
Leo: Flush. Or straight, or whatever. I win!
Porter: All aboard!
Leo: Ya-hoo!
[the SHIP pulls AWAY from the DOCK with like, RIDICULOUS DRAMA]
Audience: Dial it back, Cameron, we all took fourth-grade history.
Kate: Yawn. I guess my gilded stateroom is nice and all, but UGH. So bored.
[she UNPACKS a bunch of Monet and Picasso PAINTINGS for no REAL reason but to show that she is WAY DEEP]
Leo: I am so grateful for my pitiful metal bunk in steerage! I will scream out my joy for my good fortune but balancing precariously on the bow of the ship!
[he YELLS a CATCHPHRASE and “WOOS” a LOT like a TEEN on TRL]
[MEANWHILE, in FIRST CLASS…]
Kathy Bates: Hey there, young lady! I am Molly Brown. Some may even call me unsinkable! Wink wink.
Kate’s Mom: New money.*
[they all EAT lunch and the ship owner BRAGS about SIZE and Kate MAKES a SASSY Freud JOKE which AMUSES Victor Garbor, the ship designer]
Zane: We’ll just have to control what she reads from now on.
[he does not TWIRL a MUSTACHE, but he MIGHT as WELL]
Leo: I will sketch these hardworking people on the ship deck. Dreamboat!
[he SEES Kate and is like, WHOA]
Kate: I can’t take this anymore! These fancy parties and these beautiful gowns and that dickface I have to marry! Weeeep!
[she RUNS to the BACK of the SHIP and DANGLES over it]
Leo: Don’t do it! We’re in the North Atlantic. That water is hella cold.
Kate: Your words have soothed me, vagrant. I will let you pull me to safety.
[she SLIPS on her AMAZING dress and ALMOST dies and it is SUSPENSEFUL]
Zane: You filth! How dare you touch my property!
Kate: No, he saved me. I was leaning over to look at the propellers.
Zane: You women. So stupid. Come to dinner with us, young ruffian. I’d like to insincerely thank you for saving my fiancée while looking like a big shot when I make fun of your hayseed ways.
Kate: Thanks again for saving me. The inertia of my life was just too intense.
Leo: No biggie. Look at my sketches of French prostitutes.
[they BOND over ART]
Kate: Oh, why can’t I be poor and free, like you? I want to ride horses in the surf and spit.
[they have a SPITTING LESSON and it is GROSS]
Kate’s Mom: So you’re the peasant who saved my precious daughter. See you at dinner.
Kathy Bates: Come, you dashing young rogue. I’ll let you borrow my son’s implausibly well-fitting tuxedo.
[he GOES to DINNER and CHARMS the PANTS off all the RICHIE RICHES]
Leo: So, you want to go to a real party?*
[they go into STEERAGE and have fun, ETHNIC times, while Zane’s MANSERVANT looks on MENACINGLY]
Zane: I can’t believe you. Cavorting with a hobo like that!
[he FLIPS a TABLE to SHOW he MEANS business]
Kate’s Mom: I don’t want you seeing that vagabond again!
[she YANKS on Kate’s CORSET strings to show that she, too, MEANS business]
Kate: I HATE YOU ALL.
Leo: Hey! It’s you! What’s up?
Kate: I can never see you again. This burgeoning romance is just waaaay too clichéd.
Leo: Blerg.
Kate: Forget it. I changed my mind. Your bangs are too floppy to resist.
[they KISS on the BOW of the SHIP and it looks UNCOMFORTABLE]
[MEANWHILE, lest you FORGET where we ARE…]
Ship Owner: Faster! I want the world to marvel at both size and speed. That’s what she said!
Captain: But sir, I…
Ship Owner: Silence!
[IMMIGRANTS shovel more COAL into the ENGINES]
Kate: Welcome to my stateroom. Look at this honking diamond my lame fiancé gave me.
Leo: Sweet.
Kate: I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. Wearing this. Wearing ONLY THIS.*
Leo: SWEET.
[she DISROBES and he DRAWS her BOOBIES]
VOW: It waaaas the mooooost eroooootic moooment of my liiiiife.*
Everyone on BPax’s Ship: Yikes.
Kate: Let’s go for a walk - gah!
[the MANSERVANT starts to PURSUE them and they RUN AWAY for SOME REASON instead of ACTING like ADULTS]
Manservant: The joke is on them. I put the giant diamond in the poor boy’s coat. Mwah ha ha.
Leo: Ha ha! We got away. And look at this cool car down in steerage.
Kate: Put your hands on me.*
[they have EXCESSIVELY SWEATY sex]
Kate: I’m running away with you! Let’s make out!
Guy in Crow’s Nest: Aww. Look at ‘em! Kissin’ on th’ deck!
Other Guy: Awwwwwww.
[they DO not NOTICE a HUGE FUCKING ICEBERG]
Ship: Slam!!!
First Class Passengers: What the what? How dast you disturb my moneyed slumber!
Ship Owner: But this ship is unsinkable! At least that’s what our ads say…
Victor Garber: You fool! Titanic will flounder.*
Leo: Wow, look at all this ice. I think the ship might be in tro-
Zane: Thief! He stole my priceless necklace!
[the ship cops DRAG him AWAY because catching a PETTY THIEF is really IMPORTANT right now]
Kate: Could he have done it? I am so conflicted!
[MEANWHILE, the GUYS in the ENGINE ROOM are DROWNING in ICY water]
Porters: Now, just stay there, unwashed steerage passengers. We’re keeping you locked below deck. For your own safety.
Rich Passengers: My life jacket looks smashing with this tuxedo! Bring me another brandy!
[a MILD panic STARTS, but EVERYONE is still in the DARK/DENIAL]
String Quartet: Let’s play jaunty tunes on the deck, to keep people calm.
Ship: I am tipping over.
Kate: I must find Leo! I won’t get in this lifeboat. GOODBYE, MOTHER.*
[she RUNS below DECK and FINDS him HANDCUFFED to a POLE]
Kate: I will axe you free!
[she DOES, but now they are BELOW deck where SHIT is GOING DOWN, namely the SHIP]
Leo: Run!
Kate: Swim!
[they OVERCOME many CGI WATER-BASED obstacles and EVENTUALLY make it ABOVE deck]
Zane: There you are. Get in this lifeboat. I will get in a different lifeboat with your boyfriend here. Why WOULDN’T you trust me?
Kate: I will reluctantly agree.
[some FLARES explode, ILLUMINATING Leo’s Tiger Beat FACE]
Kate: NOOOO!
[she LEAPS out of the BOAT and into the BIGGER, DOOMED boat]
Leo: You idiot! I love you!
[Zane MAKES a POUTY face and then PURSES them with a GUN, because the INHERENT drama of one of the WORST maritime disasters in HISTORY is not ENOUGH]
Kate: Damn it! Guess we have to run/swim/narrowly escape death again.
[MEANWHILE, touching things HAPPEN, like an old couple LAYING in a BED and the CAPTAIN getting DROWNED to DEATH]
Leo: We implausibly made it back up to the top!
Ship: I am tipping more! Slide down my wooden deck!
Kathy Bates: [from a lifeboat] God almighty.*
[she WATCHES the SHIP from a DISTANCE and for all my SNARKING it is a pretty REMARKABLE/CHILLING sight]
Leo: Run to the top of the ship! Somehow I know exactly what to do in the rare event that an enormous ocean liner sinks!
Kate: This is where we first met.*
Audience: Awwww.
Ship: See ya.
[the SHIP sinks and it is TERRIFYING]
Leo: Swim, Rose! I found a door for you to lay on. Let’s discuss our relationship while I freeze to death.
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME passes and SERIOUSLY everyone is DEAD]
Kate: There’s a boat, Jack! It came back for us! Jack? Ohhhh shit.
Me, as a 15-Year Old: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Kate: I’ll never let go!
[she LETS go and WHISTLES her way to SALVATION]
VOW: So that’s my tragic tale. Only took three hours to tell!
BPax: Yeah, nice yarn, grams. So….do you have the diamond?
VOW: [Smiles MYSTERIOUSLY]
[later that NIGHT]
VOW: I will drop this priceless diamond into the ocean for absolutely no reason.
[she DIES and her HEAVEN is the Titanic and she and Leo KISS to a SLOW CLAP from all the PASSENGERS and it is SWEET but also kind of CREEPY]