Pillow Talk

[it is the FABULOUS SIXTIES]

Doris Day: My! I have SUCH a fabulous life here in New York City, with my amazing single gal pad and drunken maid!

Thelma Ritter: Heh.

Doris Day: I'll just make a business-related call for my interior design business on my party line.

Rock Hudson: I'll sing you a song, baby. I wrote it just for you.

[he sings a TERRIBLE song to SOME FLOOZY]

Doris Day: Having a party line is terrible! Oh, how I wish there were enough phone lines for everyone in New York! Sir, I cannot stand sharing this line with you anymore!!

[she FLOUNCES over to the PHONE COMPANY and basically tells them he is a RAPIST]

Phone Company: We'll send over an investigator right away!

[the INVESTIGATOR is a WOMAN who is easily CHARMED]

Doris Day: Grrr! This just grates my cheese! Oh well, I guess I'll go visit my non-boyfriend, Tony Randall.

Tony Randall: I bought you a car! Please marry me! I am rich and surprisingly handsome for Tony Randall!

Doris Day: No thanks! I am a career woman! ...but secretly, I just want to be married, because that's what all women want.

[she LEAVES in a HUFF]

Rock Hudson: Hey, buddy!

Tony Randall: Hi, friend! Let me tell you about this hot girl who won't marry me!

[they go to Tony Randall's SWEET PAD, where Rock Hudson FIGURES OUT that the girl on his PARTY LINE is his friend's GIRLFRIEND]

Rock Hudson: Oh, what delicious shenanigans could ensue from this knowledge!

[meanwhile, at some LAME PARTY]

Doris Day: Okay, I'm going home. This party is stupid. Give me a ride, young man.

Someone's College-Aged Son: Okay, but only if I can molest you in my car.

Doris Day: And how!

[he PERSUADES her to get a DRINK with him at a BAR because WOMEN are easily PERSUADED]

Someone's College-Aged Son: Let me tell you, Doris Day, you are a difficult woman.

Rock Hudson: Whaaaa? That is the woman on my party line! Let the shenanigans begin!

[he FAKES a Texan ACCENT and CHARMS her with his GOOD LOOKS and general GAYNESS]

Doris Day: Oh my! I'm so charmed!

[they have several ALMOST-RUNINS at Tony Randall's office but NEVER MEET]

Tony Randall: Waaaaaaaiiiit a minute! I just figured everything out! You're the jerk on the party line! And her new boyfriend! And my best friend! This is bonkers. Go to my cabin in Connecticut until I can sort something out.

Rock Hudson: Okay, but let me see her one last time.

[they go to a NIGHTCLUB so the movie can have ONE BLACK PERSON in it]

Sassy Black Singer Lady: Mmmmmmmhm.

Rock Hudson: Come to Connecticut with me!

Doris Day: Connecticut! How romantic!

[they GO, but she BUSTS him for being the COMPOSER when she recognizes the TERRIBLE SONG]

Doris Day: You tricked me! Now I hate you!!

[she LEAVES in a HUFF again]

Rock Hudson: Oh, what do I do? I really love her! I know...I'll ask her drunken maid.

Thelma Ritter: You gotta hire her to redecorate your apartment. It's a perfect plan.

Doris Day: Heh heh heh.

[she makes his apartment look TOTALLY INSANE]

Rock Hudson: Whaaaaaaat?!? This is unacceptable!

[he STORMS over to her place, PULLS her out of bed, and CARRIES her across town as she SHRIEKS]

Doris Day: Oh, help! Help! A strong, attractive man is carrying me away! It's all I ever wanted, but I will put up a valiant fight!

Rock Hudson: What did you do to my apartment?

Doris Day: I redecorated it.

[they KISS and it is kind of AWKWARD but I guess HAPPY]