The Piano

[it is SCOTLAND]

Holly Hunter: You're not hearing my speaking voice. This is my mind's voice. I don't talk. I mean, I can. I just choose not to. I am going to New Zealand to marry a man I have never met. I love my piano. It is my voice.

[she and her ILLEGITIMATE CHILD are SHIPPED OFF]

Captain: Okay, so here's all your stuff...we'll just leave you guys on the beach. Peace!

Anna Paquin: Mumma, what now?

[they build a TENT with a HOOP SKIRT]

Sam Neill: Hi. I'm your husband. Nice to meet you. This is my helper, Harvey Keitel. He is white, but lives among the Maori. You might notice that we are foils of each other - I of imperialism, and he of communing with nature. I hope that imagery is suitable to you.

Holly Hunter: [silence]

Sam Neill: Right, you don't talk. Okay, let's go. We'll have to leave the piano.

Anna Paquin: She says we have to take it!! She signed it to me in our secret sign language.

Sam Neill: No, I'm sorry, my word is law.

[they take LITERALLY EVERYTHING but leave the piano on the beach]

Holly Hunter: [signs something]

Anna Paquin: Take us to the beach with the piano.

Harvey Keitel: No. I don't have time.

[he TAKES them ANYWAY because seriously what is keeping him so BUSY, he lives in a FOREST]

Holly Hunter: [plays a HAUNTING TUNE]

Harvey Keitel: This woman is so much more than I thought. I must possess her.

[he BARTERS some LAND for the PIANO so he can have it at his FOREST HOUSE]

Harvey Keitel: Now, teach me to play. But I don't actually need to play...just listen. Also, I might be doing stuff while you play. Sexy stuff.

Holly Hunter: [looks DISAPPROVING]

Harvey Keitel: Okay, I'll sell the piano back to you. One key per lesson.

Holly Hunter: [touches her BLACK dress]

Harvey Keitel: Okay, one black key.

(Note: at this point, I seriously paused the movie for like 6 minutes calculating how many black keys were on a piano based on the total number of keys and the distribution of black and white keys. I probably could have Googled it, but my couch is very comfortable. For the record, I guessed it would be 51/37, it is 52/36.)

Holly Hunter: [nods in ASSENT]

[they have a SUCCESSION of INCREASINGLY SEXY lessons]

Harvey Keitel: She is so wonderful! I can't stop thinking about her. I'll just polish her piano in the nude while she is gone.

[the TOWN has a PLAY and they ask him to play PIANO since he's getting "LESSONS," but he claims to be SHY]

Sam Neill: He STILL can't play?!? She goes there like ALL the time!!

Anna Paquin: La, la, la...perhaps I shall look inside the house of the piano lessons.

[she SEES them NAKED and is SCANDALIZED]

Sam Neill: Where has your mother gone?*

Anna Paquin: TO HELL!!!!!*

Sam Neill: Oh, really? My suspicions are now as aroused as my sideburns are attractive.

[he SEES them BONING and is IRATE and BOARDS up the HOUSE]

Harvey Keitel: Whyyyyyy?!? I shall return the piano, for I care for her so much.

Sam Neill: Okay, I'm going on a trip. You're not going to go visit your mountain man lover out there, are you? ARE YOU?

Holly Hunter: [shakes her HEAD]

[she writes on a PIANO KEY and gives it to her DAUGHTER to take to her LOVER]

Anna Paquin: I don't know what this is, but when I get to that very obvious fork in the road, I am going to take the one that goes to my stepfather instead of to my mom's boyfriend. My loyalties have now shifted.

Sam Neill: Nooooooooooooooo!! She is sending missives via her daughter!

[he RETURNS and HACKS off Holly Hunter's FINGER with an AXE and sends it via the DAUGHTER to the LOVER, which is basically the WORST ERRAND EVER]

Holly Hunter: I'm freakin' out!!

Sam Neill: Wait, you don't talk! How am I hearing you??

Holly Hunter: You are hearing my thoughts.

Sam Neill: Witch! Or something! Get out of here!

Harvey Keitel: Sweet, let's go. We can take the piano, for only I know how important it is to you, unlike your capitalist pig of a husband.

[they LOAD the piano on to, like, a CANOE, but somehow it DOES NOT SINK]

Holly Hunter: [writes on PAPER] Throw it overboard.

[they DO, and she gets CAUGHT in the ROPES and you're like SHIT SHE'S GONNA DIE but then she DOESN'T]

Holly Hunter: So now we live in a nice house and I teach piano and have a fake metal finger. It's pretty good.