Oscar Watch '09: Doubt

[it is THE BRONX in 1964]

The Community: Woo! Catholicism! We're all Irish and Italian!

[one of the ALTAR BOYS is BLACK so you KNOW some shit is gonna GO DOWN]

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Let me talk to you about doubt, you guys. My sermon is surprisingly interesting for a 1960s Catholic priest, don't you think?

[as he SPEAKS, Meryl Streep walks around SMACKING insolent YOUTHS]

Meryl Streep: A little too interesting, if you ask me!

Amy Adams: I liked it! But then, I am a very chipper young nun.

[Philip Seymour Hoffman gives the BLACK ALTAR BOY a TOY so you can see that they have a SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP]

Meryl Streep: I don't like it. I don't like a lot of things.

[Amy Adams takes a piece of GRISTLE out of her MOUTH and Streep STARES at her until she puts it back IN and EATS it]

Amy Adams: Okay, class. Let's talk about history. And I'll be nice, unlike some nuns.

Meryl Streep: Like me!

[she does some MEAN things]

Philip Seymour Hoffman: She just doesn't want the church to change! Oh well. I will win over the congregation with my charm and personality, two things she clearly lacks.

[the BLACK ALTAR BOY comes back to CLASS smelling of ALCOHOL and looking GRIM]

Amy Adams: Something must have happened! I will share my fears with Meryl Streep. She will know what to do. Or she might use this incident as fodder for her campaign against this new priest...but that seems unlikely. I mean, she's a nun! Nuns don't do vindictive things!

Meryl Streep: I know he was inappropriate with that boy! I KNOW IT.

Amy Adams: But...I...we don't know...I'm so confused!

[a LIGHTBULB burns out]

Meryl Streep: You blew out my light.*

Philip Seymour Hoffman: So, I'm here to discuss the Christmas pageant. How about we include "Frosty the Snowman"?

Amy Adams: Oh yes!

Meryl Streep: SECULAR SONGS? Ohhhhhhh no. Also, we didn't really ask you here to talk about the pageant; we were actually going to accuse you of improper behavior with a student. Suckaaaaa!

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Well, there's an explanation. But I can't tell you.

Meryl Streep: TELL US! Or we will continue to suspect you, though our proof is shoddy at best.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: He stole the altar wine. I wanted to keep it a secret because he's having a hard enough time already, since HELLO DUDE IS BLACK.

Amy Adams: Oh good! An explanation! Tra la!

Meryl Streep: NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Let me tell you a story, congregation. A story about gossip. This woman confessed to the sin of gossip and the priest told her to take a pillow to her roof and cut it open. And she did, and there were feathers everywhere. And then the priest told her to gather up all the feathers and she was like "I can't, because they're everywhere." And he was like "THAT'S GOSSIP. IT'S A METAPHOR."

Amy Adams: Do you think that was directed at someone in particular?

Meryl Streep: Uh...yeah. It's on. It. Is. On.

[she calls the kid's MOM]

The Mom: Look, this priest is nice to my son, okay? And my son needs to graduate from this school to get into a good high school. And maybe...well, maybe he likes the attention. And by "attention," I mean "molestation." Bottom line: my son is gay, maybe?

Meryl Streep: What?!? What kind of mother ARE you?

The Mom: You don't know anything about me! My son is strange! He needs to get into a good high school! It's just till June.

Meryl Streep: Fine. Then I will take him on alone. Get ready to see some acting,

motherfuckers.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: OH, IT'S ON, BITCH.

[they ACT their FACES off]

Meryl Streep: I called a nun at your last parish.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: What? You're not supposed to do that! The Catholic church is pretty hierarchical, a hierarchy that ends with the Lord.

Meryl Streep: BUSTED. I didn't really, but your reaction is proof! PROOOOOOOOF!!!

[Philip Seymour Hoffman gets TRANSFERRED]

Amy Adams: So I guess you were right.

Meryl Streep: I have doubts! I HAVE DOUBTS!!*