Guest Post: Unfaithful

God, Diane Lane. Isn't it ENOUGH that you're amazingly gorgeous? Isn't it ENOUGH that you got to kiss John Cusack, even if he was sort of bloated and orange in that movie (which we have discussed before in the Cusack Wars of 07, the catalyst of which was Diane Lane to BEGIN with)? Isn't it ENOUGH that you ALREADY had an extramarital affair-related movie, wherein Viggo Mortenson played the free-spirited blouse salesman who stole your heart away from Liev Schreiber? Now you're cavorting with a free-spirited French book salesman? What's next? Gonna cheat on Thomas Jane with Joseph Gordon-Levitt? He's half your age!! You know what, Diane? We're fighting. Hear that, everyone? Diane and I are fighting. Laura McClain, tell her she looks fat in that poster, and I'm not just saying that because I'm jealous. She really does. God.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(it is an IDYLLIC SUBURB)
Richard Gere: Life is lovely! I love you.
Diane Lane: Totally! I love you too!
Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle: I love you all too!
[though things seem GREAT, the MOURNFUL music SUGGESTS upper-class UNREST]
Diane Lane: Time to run errands in New York. What a windy day!
[the WIND is COMICALLY CRAZY, but the MUSIC is STILL FOREBODING]
Diane Lane: Whoaaaa!
[she goes FLYING into a HOT FRENCHMAN]
Hot Frenchman: Mon dieu! You ‘ave cut your knee! Would you like ze band-aid?
Diane Lane: Umm…okay.
Hot Frenchman: I sell ze books in eh charming way. Take one!
[he READS from the ROMANTIC book whilst UNDRESSING her with his EYES]
Diane Lane: [breathily] I must flee!
[she DOES, and then TELLS her HUSBAND about MEETING the FRENCHMAN]
Diane Lane: [on PHONE] I wanted to thank you for being so nice -
Hot Frenchman: Come and see me!
[she DOES and they DO IT]
Diane Lane: What have I done???
[she RIDES the TRAIN and ACTS her FACE off, but in a GOOD WAY]
Diane Lane: I will never go back!
[she DOES, and there are HUNDREDS of pseudo-classy SEX MONTAGES in which the MOURNFUL music WAILS]
Richard Gere: Why don’t I ever see you anymore? And why are you buying all this skanky lingerie that I never get to see?
Diane Lane: Uh…gotta go.
[he HIRES a DETECTIVE to FOLLOW her]
Diane Lane: We must end this.
Hot Frenchman: Let’s do it in ze restaurant bathroom instead!
[they DO]
Diane Lane: For real, I think we should end it.
Hot Frenchman: Look! A movie theatre!
[they DO it there too]
Diane Lane: Seriously, I’m chafing.
Hot Frenchman: Mon dieu! A stairwell!
Audience: Stop rubbing your sex life in our faces!!!
Richard Gere: I can’t believe you fucked my wife. And why do you have this? I gave her this twee snow globe! It represents our marriage!
[he BASHES the FRENCHMAN in the HEAD with it]
Richard Gere: Aaa! No one must ever know!
[he WRAPS the GUSHING CORPSE in an ORIENTAL RUG and just CARRIES it OUTSIDE and into his TRUNK]
Diane Lane: I sure am glad I just ended my affair with hot Frenchman.
A Detective: Hey, did you know this guy? We found him in a landfill.
Diane Lane: Uh…no.
Richard Gere: Uhhhh…double no.
Diane Lane: What did you do?
Richard Gere: What did YOU do??
[there is MARITAL-ENDING angst, and the music WEEPS]
Diane Lane: I love you.
Richard Gere: I love you too.
[they SIT at a STOPLIGHT]