America's Sweethearts

This post was inspired by a conversation after the previous post between my frequent guest writer and me:

me: all i can think of when i think of diane lane is "must love dogs"
Laura: ooof
that sounds so painful
me: it is like the gold standard of badness when my sister talks about movies
Laura: wow
that's "america's sweethearts" for me
another john cusak nightmare
Laura: my eyes
me: i wanted to burn my eyes and ears with drano
Laura: yes
i remember nothing
except the fat suit
oh god
the PAIN

I blocked a lot of this movie out of my memory, so forgiveness, please, if it's spotty.

John Cusack: I am a movie star, though a reluctant one. Can't I just be a regular guy?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I am too glamorous and beautiful for you! Come, my latin lover!
Hank Azaria: Let me pull out my Stereotypical Latino Macho Man character. Si!
Billy Crystal: So I knooooow you've broken up, you two, but I really need you to do this press thing, because the director is crazy.
Christopher Walken: CRAZY!!
Billy Crystal: See? Hold on a second while I make a sexual innuendo joke involving this German shepherd. Gross…but HILARIOUS!!
[they all CONVENE at some HOTEL where the PRESS CONFERENCE is going to HAPPEN and HIJINKS can ensue]
Julia Roberts: I used to be fat, so now I have self-esteem issues, and can only serve my beautiful, glamorous sister.
John Cusack: Now that you are not fat, I think I may love you.
[they HOOK UP and it is SCANDALOUS]
Billy Crystal: Oh no! Bad things are happening! I shall make wisecracks in the hopes that those wisecracks will solve all my problems! Help me, Assistant Seth Green!
[Seth Green gets HIT in the HEAD and it is HILARIOUS]
Christopher Walken: Now I shall screen my movie, for the first time ever, at this press conference! YOU'LL SEE!! YOU'LL ALL SEE THE TRUTH!!!
[plays the MOVIE, which is actually just SECRET FOOTAGE of the actors when they're NOT ACTING, exposing Catherine Zeta-Jones as a RAGING BITCH]
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Nooooooooooo!!!
[she STORMS out with her LATIN LOVER in tow]
John Cusack: Now I can publicly break up with her and get with the no-longer-fat sister. Hurrah!
Julia Roberts: I'm not fat! Or a raging bitch! Hurrah!


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

omg i remember zero of this movie, including the fat suit. i think at some point someone was on a roof. anytime someone is on a roof in a movie, i always remember that part for some reason.

Movie Maven said...

i always think i remember julia roberts smoking in the hallway and being reprimanded by paul giamatti, but i then i remember that that's actually in My Best Friend's Wedding.

Emily Sue said...

This movie was so bad people walked out of it in Duluth, MN! Must Love Dogs runs a close second, as does Serendipity. Stop it, Cusack, stop it!

Movie Maven said...


And my BFF Laura and I waited like literally MONTHS to go see it and we were despondent when it SUCKED.

It's on the docket.

Russell said...

I'm not fat! Or a raging bitch! Hurrah!

That is now my daily affirmation.

If you ever need to get some good will for John back, just watch Better off Dead or Grosse Point Blank.

Movie Maven said...

Maybe next week will be "good Cusack week." I feel bad now, because seriously...who doesn't want a boy to hold a boombox over his head and play "In Your Eyes"?

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

::raises hand tentatively::

p.s. omg the word verification has 74 letters this time. i actually fell asleep in the middle of entering them and when i woke up, i had a long grey beard.

Anonymous said...

I feel no pity. He's not illiterate, is he? He can read a script.

Also, Identity. And Con Air. And Runaway Jury. And Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. And...