Gentleman's Agreement

You know, while I blow it some grief for being rather ham-fisted in its approach, I do have to give this movie props for attempting to take on an absolutely enormous issue like five minutes after the greatest human rights atrocity in modern history. I don't find it to be entirely successful, but the attempt is very admirable. Also Gregory Peck is a smokeshow, which is basically why I watched it, TBH. 

***

[It is 1948, maybe too CLOSE to the war for this movie to HAVE the proper perspective]

Gregory Peck: Well son, we live in New York now. Daddy’s been hired to write for a magazine. It’s sad that your mom is dead.

Freckle-Faced Son: Sure is, pops!

Gregory Peck’s Mom: Good thing I’m here to take care of you two knuckleheads! 

Gregory Peck: Time to go to work!

His Editor: Say, I’ve got a crackerjack assignment for you. I think we should write about antisemitism. It’s a hot-button issue.

Gregory Peck: Yeah, since the Holocaust literally JUST happened!

20th Century Fox: DON’T MENTION THE HOLOCAUST, LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

[Gregory Peck GOES to a party where he MEETS the editor’s niece Kathy, who in the GRAND TRADITION of old movies could be ANYWHERE from 25 to 55 BASED on general styling]

Kathy: Well hi there. I suggested that my uncle run the piece on antisemitism. Let’s fall in love, shall we?

Gregory Peck: And how!

[they are INSTANTLY in love for no REASON I can UNDERSTAND]

Freckle-Face Son: Hey Pops, what’s antisemitism? 

Gregory Peck: Hmm. I cannot explain this easily to you, so I must take the assignment. But I can’t find the angle! 

[he PACES around his apartment in a three-inch-long tie]

Gregory Peck: If only my old childhood chum Dave could help me! He’s way Jewish. But he is at Army. 

[he WRITES Dave a letter while REFLECTING on the fact that Dave doesn’t LOOK all that Jewish or something which GIVES him a great idea]

Gregory Peck: I know! I’ll live as a Jewish man for six months. And by “live as” I mean I’ll just sort of sternly tell people I’m Jewish after they’ve said something offensive and temporarily change my name to Greenstein. Then I’ll know everything. 

Mom: [NODS wisely]

Gregory Peck: Now, to begin my life as a Jewish man. 

Kathy: I'm so proud of you! But wait, just to confirm, you’re not...REALLY Jewish are you?

[she SHRINKS away ever so SLIGHTLY for foreshadowing]

Gregory Peck: Huh.

[it is the OFFICE]

Gregory Peck: Secretary, I want you to write two letters to an employment agency – one from a real red-blooded American name and one from a stereotypically Jewish name. Let’s see which one gets an interview.

June Havoc, aka Dainty June from Gypsy: Hey, that’s what I did to get this job. I am secretly Jewish. Gross, right?

Gregory Peck: So am I! 

[various people are CAGILY anti-Semitic in a “wink wink” kind of WAY while Peck RESPONDS in his STERN Atticus Finch VOICE]

Celeste Holm: Here I am, a fabulous fashion editor awash in hats and quips. Let’s have a martini! I couldn't care less that you are Jewish, you handsome, handsome man.

Kathy: But I kind of do! Even though I know you are not. We got engaged somewhere in here, I guess and I don’t want you to continue your experiment at the party my WASP sister is throwing for us. It’s just TOO REAL. 

[they HAVE the first of many FIGHTS]

John Garfield: It’s me, Dave, your token Jewish friend, here to visit and be surprisingly cool with your mildly offensive journalism gimmick. I shall tell you what it is like to be Jewish.

[he LAYS IT OUT and also FIGHTS yet another anti-Semitic piece of SHIT at a restaurant]

Celeste Holm: You two Jewish boys are all right! 

Freckle-Face Son: Say pop, are we Jewish? 

Gregory Peck: Kind of?

Freckle-Face Son: Okey dokey, I guess. 

Gregory Peck: Hey honey, my old pal Dave and his family need a place to stay. People won’t rent to his family because he truly has to live life as a Jewish man in 1948 and isn’t on some Tyra Banks-esque lark. Can they live in your family’s empty country home for a while?

Kathy: They wouldn’t understand! They WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND!

Gregory Peck: The fuck?

[they BREAK UP maybe? but he still GOES for his journalist EXPERIMENT to the place where they were going to HONEYMOON because apparently they don’t ADMIT Jews]

Gregory Peck: Do you or do you not accept Jews?!*

Hotel Manager: [STARES impassively]

Freckle-Face Son: Pop, some boys from school chased me and called me dirty words because I am maybe Jewish. Why would they do that to me? Why, Pop?

[it is LEGITIMATELY sad]

Kathy: No, Billy, no! You’re no more Jewish than I!*

Gregory Peck: What the FUCK.

[they BREAK UP for real, FINALLY]

Celeste Holm: I know it’s not my place, but I don’t think Kathy is the right woman for you. She's clearly a bigot and her hats aren't even that cute. 

[her eyes GLISTEN with UNREQUITED LOVE tears]

The Editor: What a page-turner, Peck! You really outdid yourself.

Dainty June: Whaaaa? You’re not Jewish?! But I thought you were a [insert terrible slur] like me!

Gregory Peck: Look at me! Don’t I have the same face, the same hands as I did when you thought I was Jewish?*

[he MANSPLAINS antisemitism, to her, a Jewish person]

Kathy: I’m not an anti-Semite, right John Garfield?

John Garfield: No, not outright, but when people make terrible jokes do you say something? Do you stand up for people when they are discriminated against? The worst kind of people are the nice people who do nothing.

[I NOD along, ASHAMED of myself for the JOKES I have made whilst WRITING this]

Kathy: I’ve been so wrong! Gregory Peck, I’m sorry. Your Jewish friend can live in our family home. 

Gregory Peck: Hooray! We are in love again.

Celeste Holm: I guess I’ll just win an Oscar for this movie. I mean, I was fine in it. 

[antisemitism is SOLVED thanks to one BRAVE WASP]

*actual line from movie

Legends of the Fall

This is my family's favorite movie. My dad would always insist on playing the soundtrack on long car rides, making our trips through rural Illinois to visit my grandparents seem majestic and deeply emotional. I was never really a fan (Brad Pitt eats a heart at one point, which is a big no thanks) but I did enjoy this rewatch.

**

[it is MONTANA, in the PAST]
One Stab [in VO]: Hello. I am here to tell you the tale of three brothers. And I thiiiiiink I’m a pretty respectful portrayal of a Native person?
[we HEAR the BACKSTORY of the Ludlow family in which Anthony Hopkins STOPS being an Army Colonel because he HATES the TRAIL OF TEARS and BUILDS a MANSION in the MIDDLE of NOWHERE and has THREE SONS and his WIFE is like “Smell ya later, I’m going back to civilization,” and Strapping Baby Brad Pitt MAIMS a GRIZZLY on an ADVENTURE so you KNOW he’s the COOL one]
One Stab [in VO]: The boys were BFFs and nothing could ever, ever, EVER tear them apart.
[it is LATER]
Elliott from E.T.: Hello, family! I am home from Harvard, and I have brought along my beautiful fiancé, Hubris. I mean “Susannah.”
[Aidan Quinn STARES at her like a SEX MURDERER]
Julia Ormond: What a beautiful landscape! I know I’ll be happy here with my boyish husb- wuh wuh wuh WUHHH?
[Brad Pitt APPEARS across the VISTA on a HORSE, with FLOWING FLAXEN LOCKS and ROUGHSHOD CHARM in TOW]
Julia Ormond: Holy SHIT.
[she LEARNS the WAY of the LAND cause she’s NOT like the OTHER GIRLS]
Anthony Hopkins: [CHOMPING on a GIANT CIGAR] What a treat to have a woman in the house again. Surely this will have no tragic consequences!
[Julia Ormond longingly WATCHES Brad Pitt TAME a WILD and SYMBOLIC horse]
Elliott from E.T.: I have enlisted in the army, due to my idealism.
Anthony Hopkins: You’re a damned fool! You’re the wimpiest one!
Julia Ormond: Please go protect him, Brad Pitt.
[she WEEPS and he HOLDS her in his MUSCULAR grip and they ALMOST KISS]
Aidan Quinn: [LURKING in the SHADOWS] Whaaaa?!
[it is WAR]
Elliott from E.T. [via letter]: It’s very gross here and I keep peeing my pants with fear. Maybe this was a bad idea.
[there are VIOLENT MONTAGES of his BROTHERS not LETTING him do ANYTHING on the field of BATTLE, some of which I FAST-FORWARDED]
Aidan Quinn: Our brother has joined a suicide mission to prove his bravery! You’re supposed to be supervising!
[Elliott DIES, obviously, and Brad Pitt is EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED and maybe EATS his HEART? and EVENTUALLY the BROTHERS return HOME to BEGIN their RIFT]
Aidan Quinn: This is kind of awkward, seeing as you’re basically my brother’s widow, but I love you. Please marry me.
Julia Ormond: :/
[she BONES Brad Pitt INSTEAD and they SPEND a LOT OF TIME brushing their LUSCIOUS LOCKS out of each other’s FACES]
Aidan Quinn: You’ll never make her happy. But you also have to marry her.
Brad Pitt: I will do both of those things.
[he DOES NOT]
Aidan Quinn: I'll show you all! I’m going to Helena to become a capitalist!
[MEANWHILE, Brad Pitt and Julia Ormond HERD cattle and BATHE in RIVERS and have NO FUN EVER, and he is CATATONIC]
Emo Brad Pitt: Since I almost accidentally murdered you because of my PTSD, I’m leaving now. To where I know not.
Julia Ormond: I’ll wait for you forever.*
[he PEACES OUT and the MUSIC is SO LOUD]
One Stab [in VO]: He had to find his destiny, like the rocks that meet the river and the sun shining in the sky and the mountains reaching to the heavens, and the bears feasting on children in the woods.
[Julia Ormond WRITES Brad Pitt LETTERS in her MIND and we see MONTAGES of him being DASHED ABOUT on SHIPS and MURDERING exotic ANIMALS for TUSKS]
Emo Brad Pitt [via LETTER]: I am dead, emotionally. Marry someone else.
Julia Ormond: WEEP.
Aidan Quinn: You always loved him more, Daddy! He stole my girlfriend and he killed our brother.
[Anthony Hopkins ROARS in ANGUISH and has an TRAUMA STROKE and it is SAD]
One Stab [in VO and I just REALIZED that he NEVER actually TALKS]: I heard a stirring in the winds and a beating in the heart of the land and other mystical stuff.
[Brad Pitt CRESTS a HILL yet again with a MILLION HORSES because this ASSHOLE always has to MAKE an ENTRANCE]
Brad Pitt: I’m ho-o-o-me! I shall never explain how I overcame my man pain. Here are some tusks. Look at my hair!
[it is BEAUTIFUL]
The Ranch Hand: Julia Ormond moved to Helena to marry your brother, who finally wore her down. He’s a congressman!
Isabel Two: Welcome home, Brad Pitt. It’s me, the hot daughter of the ranch hand who loved you as a young girl and who wasn’t brought up earlier in this recap because this movie is so long.
Brad Pitt: SCHWING.
[they FALL in LOVE via MONTAGE and get MARRIED and have BEAUTIFUL children]
Ranch Hand: You don’t really have any work skills so maybe become a bootlegger?
[he DOES and doesn’t PLAY by the RULES and the “corporate” BOOTLEGGERS are PISSED, but I wasn’t REALLY paying ATTENTION at this part]
Brad Pitt: Hello, Aidan Quinn and Julia Ormond. Nice to see you at this county fair as I frolic with my perfect family.
[she has ZERO CHILL and it’s like GIRL, get AHOLD of yourself]
Brad Pitt: Tra la, back to the ranch, family!
[they are FOLLOWED by the COPS who are in the POCKETS of the EVIL BOOTLEGGERS(?) and there is a STANDOFF and Isabel Two is KILLED by a ROGUE BULLET and it is HORRIBLE]
Brad Pitt: NOT AGAAAAAAAIN!
[he BEATS everyone UP and GOES to JAIL for a WHILE]
Brad Pitt: I know what I must do.
[there is a STRESSFUL MONTAGE where he and his RANCH BROS go on a MIDNIGHT REVENGE RAID interposed with Julia Ormond WEEPING at HERSELF in the MIRROR and CUTTING OFF her HAIR]
Brad Pitt: [SCALPS the shooter GUY, like I get that you’re MAD but HOLY SHIT, dude]
Julia Ormond: [SHOOTS herself]
Aidan Quinn: I played by all the rules and you played by none of them, and they all loved you more.*
The Evil Bootlegger: We’re here to kill you, Brad Pitt.
Anthony Hopkins: [unintelligible BEAR ROAR]
[the OLD BOY still has some GRIT in him, and SHOOTS most of THEM and then Aidan Quinn SHOOTS the main one UNEXPECTEDLY from BEHIND the HOUSE because the Ludlows will ALWAYS be BROTHERS even when they all BANG the same GIRL]
Aidan Quinn: Let’s have a reconciliation in front of these three corpses. Now let’s go bury them in the woods…as a family.
[they DO that GUY thing where they HUG AGGRESSIVELY and CRY-LAUGH and MEANWHILE the BODIES are just LYING there]
One Stab [VO]: Yes indeed, the body count was high for everyone that loved Brad Pitt. He was the rock they broke themselves against.*
[it is the FUTURE and OLD MAN Brad Pitt is MAULED to DEATH in SLOW MOTION by a GRIZZLY that is MAYBE the SAME one from the BEGINNING of the MOVIE but I’m not an EXPERT on the LIFESPAN of GRIZZLIES]
One Stab [VO]: It was a good death.*
My Family: [LEAPS to their FEET APPLAUDING]

*actual line from movie

Anna Karenina (2012)

Have you guys ever noticed how much Keira Knightley gasps in movies? Seriously, it's a thing. She's like a skittish deer, constantly being happened upon and shrieking. I had a roommate like that once and it was annoying as hell. Look alive, Knightley! 

***

[it is IMPERIALIST RUSSIA, but also a giant THEATER because this MOVIE is HIGH-CONCEPT]

Matthew McFayden: It's me, Sexy Darcy! I grew a hilarious mustache and have strayed from my loyal wife. Little do I know the eventual tragic consequences of my wandering wang.
His Wife: [SOBS HYSTERICALLY]
[he WRITES a LETTER to his BELOVED SISTER to ASK her to come and CHILL OUT his wife]
Keira Knightley: Oh, that scamp! Husband, may I go?
Jude Law: Yes, but I and my receding hairline disapprove.
[she BOARDS a TRAIN bound for MOSCOW, where the THEATER concept is USED CREATIVELY]
Matthew McFayden: Why it's my dear friend, country bumpkin Levin! What brings you to town, old chum?
Domhal Gleeson: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW AND MUST DECLARE MY INTENTIONS, THOUGH LOVE IS PROVINCIAL.
Matthew McFayden: Splendid! But I must warn you, she is in love with a hunk.
Domnhal Gleeson: I MUST SHOW HER MY LOVE AND ALSO MY WIG.
[meanwhile, Keira Knightley GETS OFF the TRAIN and CATCHES a GLIMPSE of an OFFICER in the BLONDEST, CURLIEST WIG ever COMMITTED to film]
Keira Knightley: Gasp! I'm intrigued. But first I must shame my sister-in-law into forgiving my brother.
[she DOES, kind of]
Matthew McFayden: Hurrah! Let's all go to a ball!
Domhal Gleeson: HELLO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, WILL YOU MARRY ME.
Alicia Vikander: Sorry, but no.
Domhal Gleeson: NOW I WILL REJECT ALL FEELINGS AND GO TEND THE FIELDS OF RUSSIA FOREVERMORE.
[the theater OPENS up to SAID FIELDS, kinda DESTROYING the MOVIE'S theater-logic, but it is BEAUTIFUL anyway]
Alicia Vikander: There's my suitor with the flaxen curls! Wait, where is he going?

Count "Original Ramen" Vronsky: I noticed you from across the room, Keira Knightley. Let us dance.
[they do a WEIRD, arm-centric DANCE as the room SPINS FRANTICALLY]
Keira Knightley: Gasp again! My feelings!
[she GAZES in the MIRROR and IMAGINES a FORESHADOWING locomotive RACING at her]
Keira Knightley: Thus begins my storyline, just 20 minutes into the movie.
Count "Platinum Labradoodle" Vronsky: I have followed you to St. Petersburg because I love you. Such is the power of arm-dancing.
Keira Knightley: Do not pursue me at every social event!
[he DOES]
Jude Law: Your not-so-furtive glances at 2002 Justin Timberlake are attracting attention from society.
Keira Knightley: I don't know what you're talking about!
[she GOES to Count "Young Amy March" Vronsky's HOUSE and they BONE]
Keira Knightley: Finally I know happiness! Let us liaise all over St. Petersburg!
[there are MANY super-tight SHOTS of their WIGS TANGLING mid-LOVEMAKING]
Count "But Why is it SO Blonde" Vronsky: I shall race for you, my lady, on my beloved horse.
[he CARESSES the Horse's FLANKS for TOO LONG]
Lady Mary Crawley and that Lady from "The Affair": You are scandalous, Keira, and we love it.
[Count "I Might Be Hot But There’s No Getting Past This" Vronsky FALLS off his HORSE and he has to SHOOT it and it is the most UPSETTING thing to HAPPEN thus far]
Keira Knightley: NOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone: O.M.G.
Jude Law: You have shamed me publicly. I'm furious but my voice will never raise above a whisper.
Keira Knightley: Well, I'm pregnant and it's not yours, because you insist on using a weird 1890s condom.
Jude Law: If only it was 1998. My golden curls would have wiped the goddamn floor with Time-Traveling Spencer Pratt over there. This cuts the deepest.

[he TOUCHES his BALD HEAD sadly]

Jude Law: You are depraved* and can no longer see your son that you never really saw anyway.
Keira Knightley: I am distraught! Also I think that Count "Mama Rose and her Hollywood Blondes" Vronsky is cheating on me!
[she STARTS to DIE in CHILDBIRTH for ATTENTION but is EVENTUALLY fine and has her BABY]
Meanwhile in SUBPLOT-LAND...
Domhal Gleeson: I HAVE TRIED TO SOOTHE MY ANGUISH WITH GRAIN THRASHING BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH. I MUST GO AND TRY TO WIN ALICIA VIKANDER’S HEART AGAIN.
Alicia Vikander: I was a foolish child to love Season Two Felicity instead of you.
[they VISIT and PLAY some kind of SCRABBLE game with GIANT blocks for like, EVER, and I GUESS they AGREE to get MARRIED]
Keira Knightley: I want to rejoin society. I'm not ashamed of what I've done, though I've spent the last 20 minutes of this film weeping.
Count "I'm Just...I'm Out of Ways to Describe it" Vronsky: Yeah...you’re teetering on the edge at all times so maybe that’s not the best idea.
Keira Knightley: I KNEW IT, YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME.
[she IMAGINES him BONING Cara Delevingne, who’s is RANDOMLY in this MOVIE]
Keira Knightley: There is only one way to be at peace.
[she WALKS in SUPER-SLOW MOTION through the THEATER because OH RIGHT, this is in a THEATER and THROWS herself under a TRAIN]
Everyone: [SADNESS MONTAGE]
[a BE-HATTED Jude Law SITS in a FLOWER FIELD while his son and Keira's SCANDAL daughter PLAY]
Director Joe Wright: My concept was amazing until it wasn't. Hope you enjoyed the wig parade.

*actual line from movie

Rebecca (1940)

 

COVID hasn't quite driven me to watch the Netflix version of this movie yet. All I know is that Armie Hammer wears an enormous mustard-colored suit, which is really all I need to hear. Maxim de Winter would NEVER. 

Perhaps Laurence Olivier wore a mustard suit in this version as well, but we'll never know. His suits are just another mystery of this very mysterious film. 

** 

[we OPEN on a BURNED-OUT shell of a MANSION, which is DEFINITELY not a SPOILER]

Joan Fontaine VO: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.* 

[FLASHBACK to Laurence Oliver TEETERING over a ROCKY CLIFF, Winslet-style]

Joan Fontaine: No, please! Don’t do it! 

Laurence Olivier: Who are you? I was having a dramatic moment! 

[she RUNS AWAY and meets up with her Dowager Boss at their FANCY hotel]

Dowager Boss: I’m paying you to be my companion, not climb around on cliffs! Ugh, I hate you. 

Joan Fontaine: It’s OK, I hate me too, for I am the meekest, most self-loathing wet blanket in cinema history. 

Laurence Olivier: Now I am in a tuxedo and feeling all better. And who might you be? 

Joan Fontaine: Oh my, I don't have a name! I don't deserve one. 

Laurence Olivier: Now that we are alone, I must thank you for interrupting my suicide. As a reward I will speak faster than the Micro Machines guy and take you on dates against your will. 

Joan Fontaine: <3

[the Dowager ABRUPTLY decides they have to LEAVE and Joan Fontaine is HEARTBROKEN]

Joan Fontaine: I’m sorry to disturb you while you’re in the shower, but I am going away forever.

Laurence Olivier: Well that won’t do. Why don’t you stay with me?

Joan Fontaine: Do you need a secretary or something?*

Laurence Olivier: I’m asking you to marry me, you little fool.* 

[OBVIOUSLY she cannot RESIST this AMAZING proposal and they are MARRIED]

Dowager Boss: HA! Good luck living up to his first wife, whose death destroyed him. She had a first name. It was...REBECCA.

Joan Fontaine: REBECCA.

[they GO to Manderley, his IMPOSING mansion]

Mrs. Danvers: WELCOME TO THE HOUSE, MADAM. I SHALL BE RUNNING THINGS AS I RAN THEM FOR THE FIRST MRS. DE WINTER.

[she is ICE-COLD and Joan Fontaine is INTIMIDATED but then again, she is INTIMIDATED by literally EVERYTHING]

Mrs. Danvers: I HOPE YOU WILL BE COMFORTABLE IN THIS ROOM. THIS OF COURSE WAS NOT HER ROOM, HER ROOM WAS BETTER. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO IN THAT ROOM.

[Joan Fontaine BREAKS a statue and HIDES the pieces in TERROR even though its TECHNICALLY HER statue now**]

Joan Fontaine: Let’s go for a walk by the sea, darling! Oh no, the dog ran away! I’ll fetch him!

Laurence Olivier: No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[she FOLLOWS the DOG to a CREEPY SHED and is UNSETTLED]

Laurence Olivier: DID YOU GO TO THE SHED

Joan Fontaine: Why are you so angry? What have I done? Why am I such a sentient trash bag?

[he APOLOGIZES like a CLASSIC ABUSER]

Joan Fontaine: I am mysteriously drawn to Rebecca. Perhaps I shall check out the West Wing.

Mrs. Danvers: HELLO. I WAS JUST LURKING BY THE DOOR, AS ONE DOES. I KNEW YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE HER ROOM.

[the ROOM is OPULENT and LITERALLY everything is MONOGRAMMED with an “R” like, we GET IT, Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: LOOK AT HOW SEXY HER NIGHTIE WAS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TOUCH IT? IN ITS SEXY PARTS?

[she FONDLES the NIGHTIE]

Mrs. Danvers: DO YOU THINK THE DEAD WATCH OVER THE LIVING?* I BET SHE WATCHES YOU FUCK AND THINKS YOU’RE BAD AT IT.

Joan Fontaine: Why must you torture me?!

[she PULLS it together, KIND OF, and PLANS a COSTUME BALL to PROVE that she is as FUN as Rebecca]

Mrs. Danvers: I SUGGEST THAT YOU WEAR THIS TOTALLY ORIGINAL COSTUME THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS EVER WORN AND LOOKED AMAZING IN BEFORE, CERTAINLY NO ONE WHOSE NAMED STARTED WITH AN “R.”

Joan Fontaine: For some reason, I trust you now. Surprise, darling! Look at my costume!

Laurence Olivier: TAKE IT OFF!

Joan Fontaine: You monster! Why do you hate me so?

Mrs. Danvers: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KILL YOURSELF.

[she BECKONS Joan Fontaine to an OPEN WINDOW, but before she can PLUMMET to her DEATH, a boat WASHES up on shore CONTAINING a Rebecca CORPSE]

Joan Fontaine: Darling? Why are you hiding in the creepy shack? This must be so terrible for you. Oh, I know that I can’t measure up to the way you loved her.

Laurence Olivier: You think I loved Rebecca? I hated her!*

Joan Fontaine: Wuhhhh?

Laurence Olivier: Yes. She was a big jerk who loved to party and sleep with her cousins and have abortions. She told me right in this very spot that I could never get away from her, and OH HOW SHE LAUGHED.* And then she fell and banged her head and died and honestly, it was pretty convenient. I put her body in a sailboat and that’s that.

Joan Fontaine: Oh darling, I believe every word of this story!

[there is an INQUEST cause Larry MISIDENTIFIED a different CORPSE that he KNEW wasn’t Rebecca]

Rebecca’s Cousin/Lover: Someone drilled holes in the boat! He’s a murderer!

Laurence Olivier: No! We have to see her doctor!

[they GO TO Rebecca's DOCTOR for some REASON and LEARN that she had INCURABLE CANCER]

The Judge: Well, I guess she just killed herself in the most elaborate way possible. Nothing more to see here!

Everyone: Hooray!

[Laurence Olivier DRIVES home and SEES that Manderley is AFLAME]

Joan Fontaine: It’s Mrs. Danvers! She’s gone mad!

[we SEE Mrs. Danvers FLAIL in the WEST WING as it BURNS because she is a DEVOTED SERVANT and DEFINITELY not BECAUSE she was GAY FOR Rebecca]

*actual line from movie 

**TBH, I would do this too

A Few Good Men

 

Ah, Sorkin. Remember the early 90's, when your ego hadn't swallowed you whole and you could write non-grandiose dialogue and a female character that wasn't a TOTAL idiot, just kind of an idiot? Take us back.

***

[it is Washington, D.C.]

Demi Moore: Two soldiers murdered one of their coworkers in Guantanamo but I don’t think it’s their fault. As a capable, confident female naval officer-attorney excelling in a traditionally male space, I respectfully ask to take on their case.
The Men in Charge: Lol. Get out.
[we FLASHBACK to GUANTANAMO in the RECENT PAST]
That Guy in Every Sorkin Movie: This young solider wants a transfer and keeps breaking the chain of command because we ignore him.
Kiefer Sutherland: He’s a pu**y and I hate him!
Jack Nicholson: Calm down, boys. Let’s keep him here and whip him into shape.
[he WIGGLE-WAGGLES his GROSS EYEBROWS]
[back in present-day D.C., at a SOFTBALL PRACTICE where Tom Cruise at MAXIMUM CHARM beans GROUNDERS]
Demi Moore: So, I hear you’ve been assigned as lead counsel on this case. I know all about you. Harvard grad, son of a famous litigator, two years in the Navy, loves to plea bargain, possibly wearing lifts…
Tom Cruise: Thanks for providing all that exposition, sweetcheeks. Now scram, I have a scrimmage to win!
Demi Moore: Well as your superior officer, I'm joining this defense team!
Tom Cruise: Sure, whatever, I’m just gonna plea bargain cause I love to plea bargain as much as I love to make witty rejoinders. Also, these guys are murderers.
Demi Moore: Have you ever heard of a Code Red? Yeah, I didn’t think so.* 
Tom Cruise: I am mildly intrigued, but there is softball to be played and Yoo-Hoo to be consumed and work is boring! Let’s go to Guantanamo to check some boxes.
Kevin Pollack: Better wear the whites.*
Tom Cruise: I hate the whites.*
[they all GO to GUANTANAMO where Noah Wylie is their JEEP DRIVER]
Jack Nicholson: Welcome, chums. Nice whites. I’m here to be both ingratiatingly helpful and mildly sinister.
[they GO to a LUNCH filled with MALE GLADHANDING]
Demi Moore: I have some actual questions about what went down here. 
Tom Cruise: Hey, shut up. 
Jack Nicholson: Let her speak, but first let me tell you boys about how nice it is when powerful women blow you.
[he STARES Demi DOWN with his PERVERT BROWS but she is UNRUFFLED]
Tom Cruise: Yikes. I mean...yeah, women, amirite? Oh, before we go I’d like the dead guy's files, if that’s cool. 
Jack Nicholson: You have to ask me nicely.*
Tom Cruise: That was weird. And this file is also weird. I feel like something is missing…but I still just want to plea bargain, cause there are pickup basketball games to attend! 
[they MEET with their CLIENTS who are very MILITARISTIC and OPAQUE but EVENTUALLY say that they were ORDERED to do a Code Red which means you BEAT the SHIT out of your BROTHER-IN-ARMS to MAKE him HAPPIER and more PRODUCTIVE]

Kevin Bacon: I’m the prosecutor on this case and since you’re my b-ball bro, I’ll do you a solid and plead them down to two years if you don’t mention this “Code Red” nonsense.
Tom Cruise: Great! Let’s wrap this up, soldiers.
The Alpha Soldier: No. We did nothing wrong. We were ordered, and you follow orders. 
Demi Moore: To trial it is!
Tom Cruise: Aw MAN, now I have to work! Good thing I’m the most brilliant litigator to never try a case.
[he and Demi and Kevin Pollack PREPARE for the CASE in MONTAGE FORM and we SEE Cruise’s GENIUS BLOSSOM]
Tom Cruise: I will put on this uniform and be very handsome cause let’s be honest, I really am. Time to trial!
[he MAKES a VERY SORKIN-Y opening statement to DEMONSTRATE his COCKSURE COURTROOM STYLE]
Kevin Bacon: I call to the stand many “hey, it’s that guy!” witnesses, including Cuba Gooding Jr. and Christopher Guest.
[Tom Cruise is BRILLIANT all the TIME in his REBUTTALS]
Demi Moore: It’s going GREAT. 
[the BETA defendant TAKES the STAND and RUINS EVERYTHING]
Tom Cruise: Goddammit Demi Moore, why didn’t you prep him better? You're supposed to be the Hermione of this operation!
Demi Moore: Well Kevin Pollack is actually the one who is supposed to pr-
Tom Cruise: NO, YOUR FAULT.
Demi Moore: Want to go on a date?
[they DO and have the LEAST amount of CHEMISTRY ever RECORDED on FILM and it is NEVER SPOKEN of AGAIN]
Demi Moore: I still believe in our extremely unwinnable case with no witnesses or proof of anything.

[they LOSE a KEY WITNESS and Tom Cruise GETS DRUNK and FLAILS around in a MANNER that SUGGESTS he has NEVER actually been DRUNK in his LIFE]
Demi Moore: Call Jack Nicholson to the stand. He says that he was going to transfer the murder victim but we both know that’s not true. 
Tom Cruise: No, we will literally go to prison if we so much as suggest he did anything untoward because apparently he is King of Navy. YA DUMB.
Kevin Pollack: Your father was the greatest lawyer in history but I would still have you defend me over him because you are just that amazing at lawyering. 
Tom Cruise: You have found my weak spot because I am Tom Cruise in a Tom Cruise movie and a Tom Cruise movie just ain't a Tom Cruise movie unless I, Tom Cruise, has some kind of issue with my father, Tom Cruise Sr. Bring me my thinking bat!
[his MAGIC BAT gives him the KEY to the CASE]
Tom Cruise: I call Jack Nicholson to the stand!
Jack Nicholson: Here I am, to intimidate the shit out of you and calmly answer all of your “gotcha” questions about suitcase-packing. Adequately rattled? Are we done here? 
Tom Cruise: I didn’t dismiss you yet. Sit down. 
Jack Nicholson: Oh HELL no. Time to bring out the big Nicholson guns. You want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall.*
[he Nicholsons SO HARD]
Tom Cruise: Well look out, old timer, cause I’m gonna Cruise the hell out of you. I want the TRUTH!*
[he Cruises his FACE OFF]
Jack Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH,* whatever that means! It was I that ordered the Code Red!

Tom Cruise: I….didn’t think that would happen.

[EVERYONE is BLOWN AWAY]
Kevin Bacon: Uh...I think we have to arrest you now, Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: Wait, what?
Jury Foreman: The defendants are not guilty.
Judge: But they are dishonorably discharged. 
The Beta Soldier: What does that mean? We didn’t do anything wrong!
The Alpha Soldier: It was our duty to protect that dead wimp. We deserve this.
Tom Cruise: You don't need a badge on your arm to have honor.*
[they SALUTE each other RESPECTFULLY and I CRIED a LITTLE?]
[the movie ENDS ABRUPTLY and we have NO IDEA what happens to ANY of these PEOPLE and I have some FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS]

*actual line from movie